Our Day Will Come
by AlmayCorazon
Summary: A/U: Everything in my life had always been a struggle but I thought when Britt came into my life that would all change. Even if I knew that I was destined to break us apart and ruin the only good thing I had left. Expect Triggers a lot of them!
1. Chapter 1:The Purest of Pain

**Chapter 1: The Purest of Pain (Son by Four)**

* * *

><p>Everyone always thought that it would be me to ruin things because Brittany is so sweet and innocent with those amazing blue eyes and that dazzling smile.<p>

Little did anyone know what was under the surface of it all.

There's a reason why it was so easy to sabotage the small bit of happiness that I had held onto for so long.

I was destined to break us apart and for Britt to put us back together again.

This was going to be our year, I had been planning to come out in a big way, claiming her as mine with the greatest love song in the world and then we would move to New York and start our lives together.

But I'm getting ahead of myself... let's start from the beginning.

It all started on my 18th birthday, a hot and gorgeous day in June.

Mami had just made me a huge breakfast before she handed me Papi's credit card and dropped me off at Britt Britt's for a planned shopping spree.

I had a shopping list a mile long and had included a few things that I would get my girl.

My spirit was high and I thought nothing could break it.

Of course, things don't always go my way.

* * *

><p>I knocked on the Pierce's door for what seemed like hours before I gave up and just texted Britt.<p>

_**B...where are you? :/-Ana**_

_**Um? In New York, what's up?-B**_

_**Since when? I just saw you two nights ago! We were supposed to shop for today. You do remember what today is...right?-Ana**_

_**Umm...Been here since yesterday mrng. Sorry about shopping, something came up. 2day is Saturday silly :P J/K of course I know 2day. Happy birthday! :)-B**_

_**Yea thanks. So you're not coming to my party?-Ana**_

_**Should be there...hopefully. I gtg super busy I will txt u l8r, k? Xoxoxo-B**_

I was beyond pissed!

* * *

><p>I shoved my phone in my purse and stood on her steps for a moment, wiping at my burning eyes while I tried to figure out what to do next.<p>

Finally, after getting annoyed without my own self pity, I yanked my phone back out of my purse and just texted Q.

_**Yo Q! Wanna come shopping with me? I have the credit card and I will buy you something really pretty! ;)-S**_

_**You had me at something really pretty! ;) Get your ass over here!-Q**_

_**Be ready!-S**_

_**;)-Q**_

By the time I walked the few blocks to Quinn's she was already in her car waiting for me.

I shook my head and got in, annoyed that I hadn't just driven today.

"_So Lopez, what happened to Britt? Did she finally get wise and find a better girl to spend her time with?"_

_"Haha very funny."  
><em>

_"Why didn't you drive?" _

_"B was supposed to drive us...plans changed."_

_"Why?"_

I ignored her and just flagged my hand towards the road.

"_Do you want something pretty or not? This card isn't going to swipe itself! Let's get moving Fabray!"_

* * *

><p>Three hours and a thousand dollars later, Q dropped me off at home so I could get ready for tonight.<p>

I had spent most of my time at the mall checking my phone for messages from Britt but I still hadn't heard from her and I was getting anxious.

When I had asked Q if she wanted to hang out but apparently she had to meet up with someone, so I was on my own.

I stormed up to my bedroom and slammed my door for no other reason than to vent my frustration.

After tossing my new purchases into my closet, I checked my phone for the hundredth time and still there was nothing from Britt.

I was beyond annoyed and couldn't wait any longer so I caved and texted her.

_**Hey B, just got back home and I got you something nice ;) Be safe out there! Love u!-Ana**__  
><em>

I knew that I sounded pathetic but I was getting desperate to talk to her.

This was supposed to be a day for us, just her and me celebrating ME.

I stared at my phone begging it to ring for way too long and tried to be patient but I finally figured out that Britt was either ignoring me (unlikely) or she lost her phone again (possible)...and decided that had to be it.

So I called her hoping that she would answer.

_**"Hey you reached Brittany S. Pierce leave me a message if you wanna and I will call you as soon as I hide lord tubs cigars." *beep*  
><strong>_

* * *

><p>Among my amazing qualities being ignored has to be my biggest annoyance but it was my birthday and I wanted to enjoy it, Britt should know this already!<p>

Finally, I decided that I had spent enough time waiting for Britt after an hour of sulking and so I grabbed my keys and set out to find some fun.

I had hours to kill before my party, hours that I had been hoping to spend getting my mack on with Britt Britt but she was_ "super busy",_ so I wasn't going to sit around like some loser and wait for a phone call.

Too much of my childhood was spent being alone and there was no way that I was going to bring in my adult years the same way.

Papi's old car sat in my parking spot, needing a paint job and some serious love...I never drove it even though it was mine.

When I had gotten the car as a sixteenth birthday gift, I had been excited but after a few years of scraps and dents it wasn't looking so pristine anymore.

I wanted a new car but Papi had insisted that I get all my driving kinks out first.

Such is life.

* * *

><p>As I drove around and tried to figure out what I could do to entertain myself, my phone rang and I nearly caused an accident answering it.<p>

_"Hello?"_

Please be B!

_"Ana?" _

It was a guy, who's voice I didn't recognize, using my family nickname.

_"Who the hell is this?" _

"_Happy birthday Anita, It's Marco!"_

I hesitated and threw my head back against the headrest.

Why today?

_"How did you get this number, Marco?"  
><em>

_"I ran into Quinn and she gave it to me! Damn, she looks smokin' these days. Little Lucy has definitely grown up to be quite the looker. Anyway how is my Ana doing? 18 today, wow!"_

I pulled to the side of the road and sat in shock as I listened to a voice that brought back so many unwanted memories.

I couldn't believe after everything that I had gone through with this fucker, that Quinn would just voluntarily hand out my phone number.

My whole body was trembling and so now I was sitting there thinking of how I was going to kill her!

_"Please don't call me anymore Marco."_

I begged and my voice actually quivered what the fuck!

I was about to hang up when I heard him say the unthinkable.

_"See you tonight! I can't wait to meet your new friends!"_

He made a kissing noise and then the line went dead.

* * *

><p>I couldn't hold back my anger as I wiped away my tears and rested my head against the steering wheel silently praying that I had just imagined that phone call even though I knew that I hadn't.<p>

_"Damn-it Britt where are you?" _

I tried calling her a second and third time and was forwarded to her voice mail both times.

Fuck!

I banged on the steering wheel venting my frustration with Britt and Marco and fucking Quinn!

My sobs were out of control and my hands were sore, I knew I was losing it and that I needed to pull it together before I did something stupid.

No, I had to ignore the bad stuff, today was my day!

Still sobbing, I sped towards a store, loaded up on cigarettes and convinced a sleazy old guy to buy me some booze.

I was definitely losing my shit and I didn't think there was any way to stop.

Maybe I should have called Q or Puck or anyone that had been around when Marco was tormenting my life but instead I blasted my music and tried to push past the memories that were flooding my mind.

* * *

><p>I stupidly started guzzling the harsh liquor at red lights and stop signs.<p>

It's a miracle that I didn't fucking kill myself!

I blacked out at some point and woke up hours later, curled up on a couch on the other side of town.

Fuck my life!

To top it off, my mouth tasted like shit and my head ached something terrible.

I looked around and immediately recognized my surroundings.

Marco's house.

It all came rushing back to me.

I had driven to West Lima and parked outside Marco's house and continued to drink away my sorrows until the bottle was empty.

My head pounded as the rest of the thoughts came back to me.

I had somehow gotten up the courage to confront Marco.

Liquid courage in my veins, I banged on his front door, hoping to intimidate the shit out of him but I should have known better.

Instead of being tough, I cried in his arms and ended up on my knees blowing him right on his couch so that he would agree to not show up at my party.

* * *

><p>My sobering mind quickly remembered just how my day had I gotten to this point and immediately I saw those blue eyes that I claimed to love so much.<p>

Oh God!

Britt!

I quickly found my purse and keys by the front door where I had apparently dropped them, the house had been empty when I woke up, thank God for small miracles, my walk of shame was a little less shameful.

This was the richest and more rural part of town and so I knew that the chances that I was going to be seen were slim.

I did know though, that if I was seen, Papi would know in a heartbeat.

There was no stumbling from the house, I had to hold my head up and walk slow and poised.

It was supposed to be my day.

* * *

><p>My head was pounding, my throat felt raw and my jaw felt like it was going to fall off, there was no forgetting what I had done.<p>

I worked hard not to stumble towards the sidewalk in my heels but I managed it.

In fact, I manged to calmly climb into my car before I lost it again.

I chanced a glance in my rear-view mirror and saw the wreck staring back at me.

My eyes began to water as I wiped at the white crust that lingered on my lips.

_"Slut."_ I whispered to myself and then more tears came.

* * *

><p>Of course, I wanted nothing more than to die right then and there but I am Santana motherfucking Lopez and that meant that I couldn't let shit break me!<p>

I didn't have time for an emotional breakdown.

Sure I felt like a slut and I had fucked up BAD but my party should have started thirty minutes ago.

There was no more time to pity myself, I knew that I had to rush home, get to my room unnoticed and change into something fabulous.

Tonight was about me and I knew that I would be the center of attention...that should have been enough for me earlier but apparently on top of being a slut and a major fuck up, I'm also an idiot!

But I didn't have time to think about what I had just done.

I needed to think fast.

Really, what I needed more than anything was a fucking decoy, someone to distract people for me.

I wracked my brain for a good distraction while also, taking the opportunity to check my phone.

I had been out of touch with the world for at least five hours, so of course I had six missed calls, two from my mom, and three from Quinn but the one

Text messages had filled up my inbox to capacity and suddenly, I was thinking of all the places that I could have gone instead of fucking up the way that I did.

I had a bunch of birthday messages from various family members and one from Q telling me I should stop trying to make an entrance and hurry up but again the message I was most interested in was the one from Britt.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hey Ana...looks like I'm not going 2 make it 2nite. Lo siento! I will pick u up for a makeup bday brunch tomorrow, 10 sharp. K? Love u! Have fun!-B<strong>__  
><em>

I wasn't expecting the tears to come flooding down again but I knew I had to let all it out or fucking explode.

And so finally, I allowed myself two whole minutes to fall apart before I pushed it all back down.

I needed help and I needed it now!

I picked up my phone and called the only friend I had.

_"San, where are you?"_

_"Q, I need you!"_

_"Should I be worried?"_

_"Always...please?"_

_"You haven't sounded like this since-"_

_"Just...I need you to come through for me, Q."_

_"Anything."_

_"Thank you." _I sniveled.

Damn it, the tears hadn't stopped.

I begged Quinn to help me and because a bitch always helps a bitch in need, of course she came through for me!

She agreed to sneak up to my room and grab my outfit and then she would meet me at her place, so that I didn't have to worry about showing up looking like this.

I owed her big time!

* * *

><p>I don't remember the drive over to Quinn's which wasn't very far, so I didn't crash, thankfully.<p>

Like a pathetic stalker, I tried to call Britt back and there was once again no answer, so I left her a voice mail this time.

"_Hey B…I just wanted to let you know that I love you so much! I hope that you are having fun in NYC, just think, B...a year from now we will be moving there and starting our lives together! I can't wait to see you for brunch tomorrow. I love you! This year is going to be OUR year! Call me later okay. Bye!"_

Leaving a message without crying while trying to sound happy was the hardest thing yet!

Barely holding on to my sanity, I made my way through Quinn's dark house and stumbled into her bedroom.

Everything in there brought back a million memories and even some of Britt which made me feel even worse.

I sat on Q's bed bouncing my feet off the ground, rocking slightly while thanking the heavens that I had a spare key and that Judy wasn't home.

Judy was of course, at my house celebrating me and so I knew that Q and I wouldn't be interrupted.

The last thing that I needed was her mom to see me like this.

* * *

><p>I waited anxiously for Quinn and because I was trapped in my own depression, I didn't want to move until I knew she had managed to get my outfit from my room.<p>

I know that I should have gotten in the shower, it would have been easier to hide what I had done but I was too busy sobbing and worrying over Britt that I couldn't seem to think straight.

Quinn burst into the room holding one of my shopping bags and my makeup case.

She took one look at me and rushed to my side, dropping my stuff on the bed in the process.

Her eyes were sweeping over my face and I felt a blush color my cheeks.

She just there stood above me and examined my appearance before saying a word, I could only imagine what I looked like to her.

I knew that I looked like hell and at this point there was no sense in hiding it...she would have been able to tell even if I was freshly showered.

I finally looked up at her and tried to smile through my tears but she just shook her head and lifted up my face with her finger.

She turned my face one way and then another and then looked like she wanted to gag.

I watched as she took a deep breath before stooping lower so that she could see me better.

_"Thanks for helping me."_ I whispered.

"_What the hell is going on, San? What happened to you? You smell like a rubbing alcohol and an ashtray! It's gross!"  
><em>

_"I know."_

_"Oh my God! Please tell me that isn't jizz on your face too…it has been like five hours and some how you managed to fall completely apart! I can't leave you alone for five fucking hours? Is that jizz in your hair, too?"_

Her jaw dropped.

I looked up at her feeling defeated and dirty and just shrugged my shoulders.


	2. Chapter 2:Between the Cheats

**Chapter 2: Between the Cheats (Amy Winehouse)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I looked up at her feeling defeated and dirty and just shrugged my shoulders.<strong>_

* * *

><p><em>"Ugh? Let's get you cleaned up and get going. You can explain in the car. I don't even know what to say to you right now." <em>She kept tsking at me while she ushered me into the shower and while she was setting out my outfit.

After scrubbing my mouth raw and washing my hair three times I somehow managed to get dressed and look hot in twenty minutes thanks to Q and her waterproof mascara.

She manipulated me as if I was some kind of doll baby and I was grateful because without her I don't know how I would have been able to function.

We were in the car not even two minutes, as I drove us back to my house, before Quinn started in on me and shattered my semblance of peace.

"_It reeks in here San. What the hell were you doing? What possessed you to get drunk in the middle of the day? And why was there jizz-no, better yet how could you do this to Britt?" _

_S_he was staring daggers at me now.

I didn't really have any excuses for her and despite her being my decoy and wing-man, I partially blamed my state of being on her giving my number to Marco.

So I put on my bitchiest face and snapped at her.

_"I got a little drunk, smoked a pack of cigarettes and gave Marco a blow job just to get him to not show up tonight... thanks for that by the way!" _I scoffed.

My snark had returned full force as I remembered just how this was set into motion.

_"Marco, as in Marco Vega? Jeez, I haven't seen him in ages! Why the hell are you thanking me? And why would you even talk to that creep?"_

_"You gave him my number! You tell me?" _I yelled as we pulled into my crowded driveway.

* * *

><p>Q looked at me in confusion and disgust.<p>

Maybe I was wrong to believe Marco but I couldn't think of any other way.

_"No! I would never do that to you! I haven't seen him since that party all those years ago. I swear on everything, on Beth!"_

_"Really, Q?"_

I banged on the steering wheel, making her jump in her seat.

_"That's not necessary. Don't you ever swear on your kid! Not ever! Not cool!"_

I closed my eyes and held my head back trying to hold back the tears.

I was an emotional fucking wreck and the day wasn't even over!

Some birthday!

_"Fuck, I'm sorry! I kn—"_ She stumbled over her words while trying to comfort me.

I cut her off and stepped out the car not wanting to have this fucking conversation.

Not wanting to be pitied or lectured, I wanted to end it.

This was supposed to be my day!

I had to put a stop to this.

_"Look, Q, thanks for tonight, let's just go celebrate, ok? I think an hour late is fashionable enough. I'm pretty sure my parents are freaking." _I chuckled trying to turn the situation around.

Quinn smiled at me and nodded.

"_Lead the way Lopez!" S_he muttered as we confidently strode to the back of my house.

Leave it to Q to know when I mean business.

* * *

><p>The grounds where lit up and at least one hundred of my family members and my friends from school were there.<p>

I had even invited the glee club and Mr. Shue.

Britt and I had been planning this party for months and now that it was finally here she was no where to be found and it made my chest hurt.

I shoved down all thoughts of Britt and plastered on a smile.

Remnants of the day were brewing just beneath the surface but I had to look good for my parent's work colleagues especially for the couple that sat on the board of Columbia, my first pick of colleges.

I mingled and smiled until I thought that my face was going to crack apart.

Everyone was enjoying themselves and it was going off without a hitch.

I should have known that with the day that I had just had, that it couldn't last.

That's just how life goes for me.

But I was determined on putting the bittersweet day behind me and enjoying the night so I soldiered on.

Ignoring the anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

I really missed Britt but thankfully Q stuck by my side and made sure I kept up appearances and if anyone had perfected that over the years it was one Quinn Fabray.

Q and I were on the patio talking to the Silva's (the couple that sat on the board of Columbia and whose son was a director at Yale) when she squeezed my arm.

I smiled at her and continued the conversation slightly annoyed and then when I didn't respond to the gentle yet persistent nudging that followed Q started a coughing fit.

Sensing she wasn't going to give up, I excused us and dragged her away.

* * *

><p><em>"What the heck, Q? I thought we both wanted to talk to them? I know that you want Yale just as bad as I want Columbia,<em>" I said as I patted her back just in case the Silva's were watching us.

_"I know... it's just that—oh fuck!" _she muttered.

I was about to let Quinn have it until I heard his voice and my skin began to crawl.

_"Hey Ana." _

I looked at Quinn desperately and she nodded just to confirm that I wasn't hearing things, before I turned around.

He stood five feet away from me wearing a tailored suit and an award-winning smile.

I gripped my purse tightly and plastered on a smile equally as obnoxious.

_"Marco! What a surprise! I thought you couldn't make it?"_ I said kissing his cheek and then staring at him pleading with my eyes.

_"Funny thing, Ana, I wasn't going to come after your father invited me but someone convinced me that you were worth it!"_

Marco smirked at me.

I heard Quinn growl behind me and I reached back to grab a hold of her hand.

_"Oh really, Marco, That is funny. Hilarious even! Hey you remember Quinn, don't you? She says she hasn't seen you in ages!" _

I was seething, trying to keep on my facade, knowing that all eyes were on me tonight.

* * *

><p>Quinn rubbed my back and tried to pull my hand towards her and drag me back to my senses.<p>

I opened my mouth to fire an insult at Marco but was suddenly stopped by a warm pair of hands covering my eyes.

My body filled with warmth as I heard her whisper in my ear and smelled her sweet scent.

Britt!

_"Guess who?"_

She giggled and planted a quick kiss on my cheek.

I whipped around in shock, as brilliant blue eyes stared back at me.

I couldn't move a muscle.

Quinn nervously stood next to B and tried to smile big, trying her best to show me how I should be reacting but I was literally standing between my past and my future and froze up.

I suddenly remembered to smile after a beat and then I wrapped my arms around Britt.

"_God, B... I'm so glad you made it! You totally surprised me!" _

Relief and guilt filled me all at once.

She kissed the side of my face once more and whispered in my ear.

_"I wouldn't miss the opportunity to celebrate my favorite person in the entire world." _

I smiled genuinely for the first time all night.

I had almost forgotten that Marco was right behind me, almost!

_"How adorable is that, huh, Lucy? Ana? I'm going to go chat with your dad. I will be right back!" _

I swallowed back a retort and simply nodded.

Quinn dropped her head and began cursing under her breath.

This couldn't be good.

* * *

><p>The night was dwindling down and other than Q, Britt and the glee kids everyone else had cleared out.<p>

It was well past midnight and my parents were taking off for the night and allowing me some unsupervised time with my friends.

Once the parents vacated, the real party got under way as we began a game of 'never have I ever'.

Britt and I sat tangled together as the group formed a circle around the bar on the patio.

Puck brought out a huge bottle of rum and we got down to badness!

Puck filled a bunch of shot glasses and pointed at me.

_"I think the birthday girl should start us off!" _

Everyone cheered and looked expectantly at me.

Never one to back down from a challenge I raised my shot and loudly proclaimed.

_"Never have I ever had sex with...Quinn Fabray!"_

I chuckled as I placed my shot down and looked around at the hesitation around the bar.

Puck threw back his shot and then Frankenteen, Sam and then quietly Berry raised a shot to her lips and sipped.

I thought I was just seeing things until Lady Face whipped around and shot daggers at Berry.

_"Whoa! Who knew the game would get so interesting so fast!"_ he said as he slapped her on the back.

I turned to Q who looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her whole.

The game went on and more secrets were revealed, Puck had kissed another guy, Rachel and Mercedes admitted to never having had an orgasm to which I snickered in Q's ear earning me a growl.

I noticed that Rachel and Quinn kept shooting each other looks and I wanted details so I went to call out another truth but before I could say anything else she screamed out,

_"Never have I ever slept with Santana Lopez!" _

It was my turn to blush as Puck, Mike, Finn, Sam, Britt and Blaine all drank. _"What the hell?" _Quinn yelled out. _"Blaine?"_

* * *

><p>I put my head in my hands realizing that I deserved that one.<p>

I totally promised to never admit sleeping with Blaine one drunken night after leaving midnight mass and hanging out.

Only Britt had known and even she admitted that it was the kind of thing that should be buried and forgotten.

Kurt cleared his throat and began to say something when I heard a cackle and applause from behind me.

I should have known that he didn't leave.

I gripped the edge of my seat and bit down hard on my lips, trying to bite back a remark but he wasn't so kind.

_"Wow Ana! Who knew you were so generous with your time...well other than me! My, my how the times have changed, right Lucy?"_

* * *

><p>Marco plopped down on the other side of Q and reached out for Quinn's shot glass and poured himself a shot and quickly threw it back.<p>

I had reached across Q and slapped him so hard that his lip began to bleed.

It was no more then a split second but I shut him up.

Britt pulled me back down before I could do it again.

Clearly embarrassed and pissed off, Marco raised up from his seat winked at me and snickered,

"_This isn't over Ana! Just you wait and see!" _he walked off and for the first time in a long time I broke down in front of people.

Tears spilled down my face and sobs wracked my body.

No one asked questions, they just slowly cleared out all mumbling their goodbyes as Britt held me to her chest.

What the fuck?


	3. Chapter 3:The Best Deceptions

**Chapter 3: The Best Deceptions (Dashboard Confessional)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Tears spilled down my face and sobs wracked my body.<em>**

**_No one asked questions, they just slowly cleared out all mumbling their goodbyes as Britt held me to her chest._**

**_What the fuck?_**

* * *

><p>I woke up the next morning sandwiched between my two blonde best friends and suddenly all the sadness came rushing back.<p>

I knew that Britt would have questions and that I wouldn't be able to lie to her face.

I climbed out of the bed and ran to the bathroom feeling my throat burn, I quickly locked the door and then I hunched over the toilet vomiting until my stomach was empty.

I rested my head on the porcelain and began to cry.

I didn't hear the knocking or the pleading from the other side of the door or the lock being picked.

Instead all I kept hearing was Marco's moans from the night before as I was on my knees in front of him.

I continued to dry heave over the toilet trying my hardest to purge the feelings of shame and bitterness that filled me but it was no use.

I felt B's hand rubbing my back and pulling my hair into a messy bun.

I didn't deserve to be touched by her but I allowed it.

Q put a cool towel on my neck and found me some aspirin to calm my pounding head while Britt headed downstairs to make me some toast, leaving me alone with Q.

* * *

><p>We sat on the bathroom floor and she tried her best to calm me down.<p>

_"It's going to be ok San, maybe we can get a restraining order or something?" _she said soothingly.

_"Yea and how am I going to explain that to Britt?"_ I mumbled never raising my eyes from my lap.

Q sighed and said exactly what I didn't want to hear.

_"How about you just tell Britt the truth?"_

I stared blankly at her, not knowing how to respond.

Of course that was when Britt entered half smiling with a plate in her hand.

_"Tell me the truth about what?"_ Brittany said as she smiled delicately at me.

I didn't deserve that either but it would probably be the last smile that she gave to me for a while, so I smiled softly back at her.

I looked up into her eyes and I didn't even stutter.

_"Um…the truth about me and Marco and why everything is going to change now and probably not for the better."_ I said before turning my face back down towards my lap.

I knew that lying wouldn't work so I had settled for the truth.

Quinn stood up and tried to excuse herself but Britt stopped her.

_"No, you obviously know something I don't know Quinn and I don't like that so we are all going to go out to breakfast and between the two of you I am going to get the whole truth!"_ Britt looked serious and slightly pissed off and then just as quickly she smiled, _"Are we clear ladies?" _

Both Quinn and I just nodded our assent, neither one of us willing to turn down B.

Britt did a happy little jig and walked away, yelling over her shoulder.

_"Well? Get moving!" _she sang.

Immediately we snapped out of our daze, jumped up scrambling to get ready before Britt got angry again.

* * *

><p>We headed out to West Lima at Brittany's request in search of the best, most secluded brunch we could find.<p>

Only Quinn knew that for me this was returning to the scene of my indiscretion.

My nausea returned full force but there was nothing left for me to throw up.

This all just sucked so much.

Ugh...bad choice of words!

We sat quietly as Britt sang along to the radio and tried her best to get us to sing along.

When we didn't join in she got quiet and crossed her arms in frustration.

I kept my eyes on the road and tried to figure out how I was going to get through this breakfast in one piece.

After settling on the _We Lime Bistro_, we slid into a horseshoe shaped lime wedge booth in the back of the nearly empty restaurant.

I felt trapped as I sat between the two blondes.

One blonde, with every answer to every question Britt could possibly ask and the other who was bound to leave with a broken heart.

* * *

><p>We ordered our food and then Britt sat stone faced and nodded towards us.<p>

_"Well who wants to start?"_ she smiled sweetly as we both froze.

She sighed clearly annoyed with us both.

_"Fine, since there are no volunteers, I will choose then. How about we start with you Quinnie? Rachel huh?" _she chuckled.

Quinn looked at me and swallowed hard.

I flashed a comforting, supportive smile and nodded.

_"Rach and I have been sleeping together on and off since New York. We uh... haven't labeled it or anything its just kind of a stress release when my mom is passed out drunk and my dad...uh Russell isn't taking shots at me. It started when she had begged me to keep San from killing her after the whole kiss thing with Finn. We had grown close and she was uh...she was there for me since Beth was born and we uh um yea didn't tell anyone not even San until last night."_

I nodded in agreement not needing any more things to add to the list of secrets I was keeping.

Britt smiled and reached across the table and rubbed Quinn's hand.

_"I am so happy that you figured it out Quinnie. That's so awesome! No more pink hair then right? Cuz you look like cotton candy." _

Q smiled and shrugged, her rebellious pink hair had been something that definitely added to her hotness instead of taking away from it.

We all laughed as our food came out.

As we began to eat I started to think it wouldn't be so bad after all and then Britt turned to me and kissed my cheek making me blush.

This could be okay...right?

Maybe she was over it?

Wrong!

Of course Britt was like a dog with a bone and wasn't giving in so easily.

* * *

><p><em>"Ok, Santana, now that the easy stuff is out of the way how about you tell me that truth that you and Quinn were talking about. Oh and why don't you start with um, who's Marco?"<em>

I sat stalk still and shot Quinn a look.

I was waiting for that comfort she was supposed to provide but she just sat there picking at her food avoiding eye contact with me.

I was pissed.

I kicked her under the table and stole a piece of bacon for good measure.

I was leering openly at Quinn and that earned me a punch on the arm from Britt.

"_Don't get mad at Q. This is not her story to tell. She doesn't have any other secrets. So now you go ahead."_

_"Fine. But first how about you tell me why the hell you were in New York instead of shopping with me on my birthday?" _I snapped at her.

She frowned at me.

She knew I was deflecting but she shrugged and smiled.

_"No problem! I got a call from the dance director at Julliard and she offered me an audition but told me there was only a 24-hour window. So my dad rushed me onto a plane and we went straight there. So there goes it. Your move San and no more stalling."_

She wagged her finger at me.

I sighed and pouted but Britt was beginning to glare at me.

_"Ugh fuck... okay! Marco is my first everything, I mean like, sexually. He is my father's godson. He uh got me um pregnant when I was 13 and um when I finally told my dad I was already three months along, he got drunk and then beat me until I had a miscarriage. Marco blames me and kind of has been holding it over my head for years. We lost touch and my father and I have barely spoken in years. Marco is a lawyer now, since I last checked anyway. He had moved away from Lima, he lives in New York. I have tried to move past it and I thought that I did but then he called me yesterday and I fucking panicked! You were in New York and I had just finished dragging Quinn around the mall and she was busy, probably with Berry, so I went off on my own got drunk and went to his house to confront him. I wanted him to disappear. I'm so sorry B but before I uh knew it I was um on my knees literally trying to convince him not to show up last night."_

I was numb as I looked into Brittany's watery blue eyes.

She looked over at Quinn and then back at me with a look of confusion.

_"A baby? So that's why we stopped talking to Quinn when she got pregnant? Wait...why are you apologizing? What did you do San? I don't understand?"_

I looked at her and plainly said it.

_"I gave him a blow job last night. B, I am so sorry, I'm sick about it!" _I said, shoving my plate away.

I felt nauseous as I watched Britt break down over her pancakes.

Tears poured down her red face as she clutched her silverware.

* * *

><p>Quinn rubbed my arm but that only angered Britt more.<p>

_"Why the fuck are you comforting Santana, Quinn? How much of this did you know exactly?" _

She wiped away her tears as she stared down Quinn.

Q pulled away from me and didn't back down.

"_I knew all of it Britt. I was there to pick up the pieces when San was bleeding on my bathroom floor miscarrying and I cleaned San up last night after, well,_ _**that**__ and I defended you too!"_

Quinn tried to smile but it didn't reach her eyes.

Britt stood up from the table and looked down at us.

_"I think I need some space from the two of you. Enjoy your breakfast." _

She left us sitting there, me numb and Quinn crying and defeated.

I shrugged, swiped another piece of bacon and tried to swallow back the bitter taste in my throat.

When I finally looked up at Q, I could see that her walls had definitely come down.

After a year like she just had I know that losing a friend even if for just a little while hurt like a bitch.

I tried to make light of the situation with a big smile and a nudge.

Finally, I just stated the obvious.

_"Well Fabray, eat up, as you may recall, I drove Brittany's truck here and it's a long walk home."_


	4. Chapter 4:Love The Way You Lie

_**A/N:Warning: The following chapter my be a trigger for some, contains mentions of sexual/physical abuse.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4: Love the Way You Lie (Rihanna)<br>**

* * *

><p><strong><em>"Well Fabray, eat up I drove Brittany's car here and it's a long walk home."<em>**

* * *

><p>We didn't really eat much after Britt left us stranded and so I told Quinn that I would just call Puck but she seemed to think that it would only get worse if we got him involved so she decided to call Rachel.<p>

The twenty minute car ride was spent listening to RuPaul talk about how she was so glad that I was no longer trying to kill her after the whole kiss at Nationals thing.

I kept my mouth shut only because I knew that it would make Quinn happy.

Rachel had been on her way to an audition or something so she only had time to make one stop so she dropped us both at my house.

Once Rachel was gone Quinn and I sat outside on the curb trying to come up with different ways to fix this mess but unfortunately all of them involved groveling, which I refused entirely and Q refused to do without me.

After awhile we both realized how incredibly exhausted we were so I offered to take Quinn home.

Just as we were about to climb into my car, my mom came running out the house trying to flag me down.

I put down the window and tried not to seem impatient as she caught her breath.

_"Oh good hija, I caught you! Oh hi, Quinn! Are you staying for dinner? Marco will be here and I am sure you would love to catch up! Plus I am making your favorite!" _

My mom said as she leaned in through my window.

I was getting grumpy and just wanted to leave already but I knew that my mom would go on longer unless Quinn agreed to stay for dinner.

I turned to Q and smiled while pleading with my eyes for her to stay.

She finally just flashed my mom a smile and nodded.

_"Sure Gladys, I just um need to get home and change. We will be right back okay?"_

My mom nodded and then Q and I were finally on our way.

_"How do you get my mom to bend so easily?" _

I was impressed, I thought the conversation was going to end up being much longer.

_"Oh simple, just tell her what she wants to hear! Besides I never turn down her bacon and cheese fritters! God, those are like heaven!"_

Q threw her head back and rubbed her stomach.

She looked over at me and smiled.

_"So what is up with Marco showing up all of a sudden? It's been like over three years, right?" _She said with a scrunched up face.

I sighed heavily.

_"Yep something like 3 years, give or take. I don't know what it is he wants but it can't be good...at least not for me! He is up to something and I am afraid that my little performance last night just added fuel to the fire. I'm seriously fucked!"_

* * *

><p>The tears tried to come down but I wouldn't let them.<p>

I sat on Quinn's bed and waited for her to finish showering.

I realized that I hadn't looked at my phone since last night so decided to check my messages.

I only had two.

Marco texted apparently while we were at brunch, letting me know he had a huge surprise for me tonight and then there was one from Britt that came in a few minutes ago.

_**Hey Santana, I should let u kno that I rlly h8 u right nw. My hrt hurts n I don't kno how 2 fix it. I wish u told me about ur baby. It makes me wonder what else u kept frm me? Y did u lie? N e ways I talked 2 mom n she agreed 2 let me go spend time w my nana in Santa Fe so yea...no sweet lady kisses 4 u.-Brittany **_**  
><strong>  
>I threw my phone across the room and almost hit Quinn in the face as she entered the room.<p>

She caught it, looked at how pissed I was at my phone and then opened up my messages.

Her eyes looked up at me sadly and I shrugged, defeated.

_"There goes my chance to grovel!" _She muttered.

* * *

><p>We sat around the dinner table in silence.<p>

I kept my head down even though the conversation centered on me.

All I could think about was Britt's face as I told her about this idiot!

I was broken from my stupor by gasps from both my mom and Q, I had missed something.

I looked up and saw Marco smiling at me and holding a ring in my face.

I sat there staring at Marco and with my father staring me down beaming proudly.

That of course made me smile like an idiot.

Quinn gaped at me and while I sat fascinated at the adoring look on Papi's face.

For me it was a shock, Papi never smiles at me.

He is never proud of me, either, so I automatically responded to him like a starving child.

I didn't mean to accept a proposal but now I was stuck.

Marco slipped the ring on my finger and Quinn snatched my hand and gawked at the rock that I was now sporting.

My world was rapidly spinning out of control!

* * *

><p>At some point Quinn managed to drag me away from the table and up to my room.<p>

I sat on my window seat gazing out at my tree house where Britt and I had spent endless nights.

I don't know when the tears started or when Quinn had plopped down next to me, all I know is that I ended up sniveling into her sweater begging her to help me fix this.

_"San, what just happened down there? I can't believe this, that bastard could sell fire in hell! New York, wow!"_

My head snapped up.

_"What about New York, Q?"_

I gripped her sweater and stared desperately into her eyes.

She pushed my hair out of my face and gave me a pitiful look.

"_San, sweetie he asked for your hand in marriage and then convinced your dad to allow you to go off to New York with him until cheer camp in August. Wow, you really were out of it. San, honey, you leave tonight. We are supposed to be up here packing!"_ She rubbed my shoulders. _"What do we tell Britt now?"_

I shook my head in disbelief,

_"NO, NO, NO this can't be happening Q! There is no fixing this! Fuck!"_

I was beyond screwed!

* * *

><p>I rummaged through my purse as the plane landed at JFK, it was late and I was a raging bitch.<p>

Marco insisted on holding my hand during the whole flight and then he confiscated my fucking phone until I agreed to talk to him.

He told me he had a job lined up for me and that this was a great opportunity to reconnect.

I rolled my eyes the majority of the time and now I was desperately searching for gum since I couldn't smoke.

I begrudgingly followed Marco through the airport, baggage claim, and then into a cab.

We weaved in and out of traffic for about 30 minutes and I still refused to talk.

My phone couldn't help me right now...so I just sat there.

We pulled up to an upscale building somewhere in TriBeCa and Marco gripped my wrist and nearly dragged me out of the cab.

He held my wrist even tighter as we got on the elevator and almost pulled my arm out of its socket to get me off of it.

The apartment was open and ritzy.

My father would love it.

I spat on the ground right in the foyer.

I was on the floor before I realized that Marco slapped me.

* * *

><p>Shit was getting really scary, really fast, the semi-abusive pushover that knocked me up was now a man with a lot of power behind his punch.<p>

_"Okay Ana, enough! I let you have your pity party long enough. You are going to clean that shit up and unpack our stuff, now!"_

He landed a swift kick to my side and I shuffled away from him.

I used my shirt to clean the floor and scrambled to grab the bags.

My face throbbed as I arranged the clothes into drawers and into the closet.

I held back my tears as I sat on the king sized bed that took up one side of the room.

I twisted my ring around my finger and tried to ignore my aching body.

I just wanted to be home curled up in bed with Britt.

This was a living nightmare.

* * *

><p>I jumped up when the bedroom door opened.<p>

It was like he had me dangling on a string.

I was hundreds of miles away from Lima and at this psycho's mercy.

I didn't want to look at him but apparently I didn't have a choice.

I was burying myself inside my head when he grabbed my chin and lifted my face towards him.

I looked at him trying to hide my fear and tried not to wince when he touched my cheek.

"_Not so tough, now, without your friends are you?" _I just stared at him not knowing how to respond. _"Answer me Ana!"_ he said raising his voice slightly.

I shrugged.

_"I'm still tough."_ I mumbled.

He began to laugh as if I had just told the funniest joke in the world.

I cracked a smile at him hoping that he would just leave me be.

I would play his game if I could get my phone back or even just live peacefully for the next month and a half.

Just as I started to ease back into my comfort zone, Marco pushed me backwards and began undressing himself.

I looked up at him and then clenched my eyes shut.

"_Oh no, you are going to open your eyes and then you are going to enjoy everything I do to you. Got it?"_ he said standing between my legs and hovering over me.

I sat up and shoved him backwards leaping off the bed and running straight for the door.

I thought I was fast but he knew that he was faster.

I was halfway to the door when I was shoved from behind and went sliding head first into the fireplace.

I shielded my head and thankfully before I hit the fireplace I stopped.

Once again he was hovering over me, I began to feel helpless.

* * *

><p><em>"Please, Marco…I will do whatever you want. Please? Just stop this? Please?"<em> I begged him from my fetal position on the floor.

"_That's more like it, Ana. See how easy it is to just listen? I told your dad I could knock some sense back into you!" _He began to chuckle. _"Get it? Knock sense into you!" _

He let out a huge laugh before picking me up from the floor and tossing me over his shoulder.

That night I lay shivering, naked and hurting while Marco got reacquainted with my body.

He wouldn't stop until he had reclaimed each part of me and made me understand who was in charge.

It was almost morning when I finally fell into a fitful sleep with him curled around me.

I cried silently once I heard him start snoring in my ear.

I felt like I had fallen into some alternative reality and couldn't help but feel like this was some sort of retribution for all the shit I reigned down on the losers back in Lima.

If they could all see me now, I doubt any of them would want to save me.

Not even Britt, especially not Britt.

I deserved this.

I just prayed that by the time I got back to Lima I would still manage to maintain a part of myself, for myself.

I fell into sleep thinking of Brittany and all the times she held me close and whispered her sweet nothings in my ear and told me how amazing I was.

I tried to forget how I hurt her and just imagined that the arms around me were pounds lighter and that the tight hold was one of Britt's bear hugs.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: Let me know what you think...<em>**


	5. Chapter 5:Bend not Break

**Chapter 5:Bend _not_ Break (Dashboard Confessional)  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Warning: this chapter contains references to sexual acts and domestic abuse.<br>**

* * *

><p><strong><em>I tried to forget how I hurt her and just imagined that the arms around me were pounds lighter and the tight hold was one of Britt's bear hugs.<em>**

* * *

><p>It took me a few moments to remember where I was when the sun woke me up the next morning.<p>

I lay all alone in a huge bed in a strange room.

Everything just felt wrong and out of place.

I could hear the sounds of traffic outside and the smell in the room just screamed sex.

It wasn't until I stretched and pain shot through my body that I remembered the last 48 hours.

My life had managed to completely go to shit in less than two days and now here I was in this big apartment, far from home, with my fiancée…a twisted warped dream of the life that I was planning with Britt, my dream was now turned on its head.

I laid there quietly listening for the sounds of HIM but there didn't seem to be anyone in the apartment but me.

I slid out of the bed and set out in search of the bathroom.

My body was aching and my mouth felt insanely dry.

My clothes were no where to be found, so I just wrapped the bed sheet around my naked body, trying to shield myself from some hidden threat.

I was hoping that this wasn't how every day would be.

This was just all wrong.

How did I get to this point?

How had I screwed up so badly?

One thing I did know was that my birthday would forever be marred by this fucked up couple of days.

* * *

><p>After finding the bathroom and relieving myself, I decided to venture around the apartment.<p>

I stepped out of the bedroom and was greeted by a room full of guys in power suits and Marco smoking cigars and eating.

I gripped the sheet tighter around myself and tried to retreat back into the room but I had been spotted before I could move and then Marco let out a large laugh.

"_That, my colleagues, is my new fiancée, Ana, obviously seeking me out for another round!"_ All the guys looked at me and smiled or laughed. I felt my cheeks heat up and I immediately dropped my eyes. _"Ana, honey, why don't you come over and let me introduce you properly."_

I looked up at him in shock.

I took another step back and shook my head.

He shot me a warning glare which chilled me so I smiled and spoke up, my voice huskier than usual from all the screaming that I had done last night.

"_I am just going to get dressed first, okay?"_ I pleaded with him.

Marco waved me over and gave me another warning glare.

"_That won't be necessary, we are all friends here and I have already told them how friendly you are. So, no need for you to be shy!"_ He said with malice in his voice.

I was pissed!

* * *

><p>Even with my reputation in Lima, I had never felt this unclean.<p>

Marco was blatantly parading me in front of his fellow attorneys, as if I was some sort of call girl.

I made my way over to Marco who sat in the center of the seating area and stood by his chair.

"_Look at me."_ He muttered.

I looked up into his eyes and put on my best bitch smile.

He smirked back at me and before I could stop him, he ripped the blanket from my body.

I yelped and quickly tried to cover myself but I knew that it was useless.

He threw the blanket behind him and then stood up behind me.

He placed his hands on my wrists and lifted them above my head.

_"Give us a spin Ana." _He said, while squeezing my wrists and forcefully spinning me.

I was mortified.

He was doing everything he could to break me and despite my tough exterior, I was quickly cracking.

I couldn't let them see me cry, I wouldn't let Marco have the satisfaction of seeing me stumble.

I kept the smile on my face and looked every one of his colleagues straight in the eyes.

The men were all at least twenty years older than Marco and looked like they hadn't seen a woman in years.

I was surprised that they weren't whacking off right there, of course they were business men and they had some level of decorum.

Marco released my hands and gave me a shove forcing me to fall to my knees in front of a man who sat in the center of the couch.

"_Evans, this is the new girl I was telling you about. She should be able to turn a profit for you without batting an eyelash. And she sings!"_ Marco stared down at me and sneered.

* * *

><p>I held my head down and refused to look up at the man with the visible hard on.<p>

Evans looked down at me and I could just hear his heavy breathing.

He reached out to touch me and I slapped his hand away from me.

"_Oh, she is a feisty one. I would like to see what she can do, when can this be arranged Marco?" _The man inquired, as if I wasn't even in the room at all.

_"No time like the present. Ana, show Mr. Evans what you showed me the other night."_

I got another one of those warning glares and then looked up at Evans, a man old enough to be my grandfather and cringed.

I pushed back my shame and tried do this as fast and good as I could.

The groaning around me was now loud and blatant.

Someone smacked my bare ass which made me nearly choke as my throat was becoming bruised.

I felt my lower half being raised up and then someone slammed into me.

The tears trailed down my face before I could stop them.

* * *

><p>Feeling like a crumpled up piece of trash, I sat at the bottom of a scalding shower trying to wipe everything away.<p>

Marco had left to go back to work and said he expected dinner promptly at eight sharp.

That left me with a few hours to pull myself together.

He gave me back my phone before he left and slapped my ass, threatening me that if I told anyone about today he would make events like this morning happen everyday.

I sat in the shower until the water ran cold.

My body ached and my spirit was broken.

Marco had won.

I got dressed in the loosest clothes I could find which for me was almost non existent.

I picked up my phone and saw that no one had messaged me.

That never happened so I knew that Marco had probably gone through my phone.

I scrolled through it and saw that most of my numbers had been deleted including Puck and Britt.

Of course Puck, Britt and Quinn had numbers I could never have forgotten.

They were my best friends after all.

I sat with my phone in my lap staring off in a daze when the phone began to vibrate.

I picked up without even looking at the called id.

* * *

><p><em>"Yo San! How is the big apple?" <em>Quinn said screaming in my ear.

_"Hey Q...it's great." _I rasped out.

My throat was on fire and I had almost no voice left.

_"San? Are you okay?" _Q suddenly got serious.

_"Yea, never better. It is just like old times." _I said trying to get her to think back to my abusive relationship with Marco.

_"Did he hurt you? Is he there?" S_he sounded anxious.

_"Um, no he isn't here, look I'm not sure when I will be able to talk to you again. Just pass a message for me please?" _I begged her trying to rush not knowing whether there were cameras.

I wouldn't put anything past Marco at this point.

_"Anything San! What is it?"_

_"Call Brittany and say that I give in. Say that every time the landslide brings me down that I think of her. That I want to build my life around her and that no matter how many times this landslide tries to take me down that I will get through it by imagining our future together. Tell her that I'm so sorry. Tell her that I will explain everything in August. Just please make sure more than anything, that you tell her how much I love her, tell her more than my own life! Did you get all that?" _I squeaked out barely able to hold back my tears.

_"I heard you Ana." _

That sounded like Britt!

_"B? Are you there?"_ I squealed, she was there. She heard me! _"I miss you so damn much B!"_ Just then I heard the door slam. _"Shit, I have to go! I love you guys!"_

I turned to see Marco over my shoulder and then everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6:Clarity

_**A/N: I won't be changing the POV too often, I just thought a different perspective would help to understand somethings a bit better. Sometimes when you are in the situation it is hard to see it objectively.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6: Clarity (John Mayer)<strong>

* * *

><p><em><strong>I turned to see Marco over my shoulder and then everything went black.<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>Quinn's POV<strong>

* * *

><p><strong><strong>  
>I woke up to a bubbly Brittany perched on my bed holding onto my mom's cat and engaging the fur demon in conversation.<p>

I sat up and shielded my eyes from the bright sun.

Just taking in the Brittany that my best friend loved so much.

I wished that she could see this moment because I knew that it would make her so happy.

_"Hey Britt? I thought you went to see your Nana? Does this mean that you talking to me again?" _I asked nervously.

She turned to me and smiled.

_"Yea. I changed my mind. I thought about everything and I can understand why San kept things from me. I also get that you were just trying to be a good friend to her which she doesn't have a lot of. So I forgive you. Just don't lie to me again. Okay?"_

I nodded and she threw herself at me squashing a yelping cat between us.

_"Whoops, Sorry Mr. cat!"_

"_I promise you, B, no more lies!" _

Britt sat back and looked at me quizzically.

_"What is it Britt?"_

I was worried that she was changing her mind again...about forgiving me.

_"I can't find Ana. I slept in the tree house last night waiting for the light in her room to come on. Her car is there but she isn't. I thought maybe she would be here. I want her to help me understand what she did. Do you know where she is?" _

I sat back against my headboard and saw the despair on Brittany's face and it was heartbreaking.

* * *

><p><em>"She is in New York with her um fiancée...but it's not what you think. Marco tricked her into it, I should know, I was there! I think that he had planned to do this since the moment he came back to town. San totally freaked out last night, I wish you had been here. She probably wouldn't have broken so easily. I'm sorry Britt"<em>

Once again, for the second time within two days, I watched Britt's heartbreak.

_"Is she there for good? Did she give up on us? She hasn't answered any of my messages or phone calls. Do you think I scared her away?"_

"_No, Britt. She will be back for cheer camp. She didn't give up on you trust me. Actually since I have promised complete honesty there are some things that you should know."_

I sat up and looked her straight in the eyes.

It was now or never.

San would be pissed but Britt needed to know...about her past.

About everything.

* * *

><p><em>"I'm just trying to figure out how to say all of this. Britt, please just understand and know that San has her reasons from keeping parts of herself from you, I think it is more to protect herself. She hasn't had the easiest time in her life, even if the new car and the nice clothes tell a different story. You have saved her from herself in so many different ways. God, why is this so hard?"<br>_  
><em>"Come on, Quinnie, you are starting to scare me, I know that Santana has had it rough and I know there is stuff I don't know but maybe if I knew some of it, I would be able to help her even better!"<em> She begged.

I closed my eyes and just thought of how tight San had held onto me last night and how desperate she looked and sounded, so although this was really tough for me, it had to be done.

_"I'm just going to jump right in, okay?" _Britt smiled and nodded but I found it hard to smile back. I sighed and just said it all without pausing, "_When San was 13 Marco raped her. That's how she got pregnant. Her dad forced her to make her relationship with Marco work, even though Marco is 8 years older and should have known better. You know San she refused and then one night after she had slept over at my house she called me and told me she was outside and when I came down to get her she looked pale and bruised. Her dad had basically ambushed her. She tried calling Marco but he went on about her being a whore and that it wasn't his baby. She looked broken and scared. I rushed her to my bathroom and she lost the baby right there, kneeling in my tub. I gave her a spare key that night. After that she became the Santana we all know and love. She dated Marco for two years after that until her fifteenth birthday. He broke up with her that night because San's dad made him and we haven't seen him since. During those two years though she was like a zombie, he controlled everything, what she ate, wore, and when she rebelled he would beat her. Her mom was too scared to defend her and her dad agreed with Marco. She has barely held on these last couple years. Now she is hundreds of miles away all alone with that psycho."_

Brittany looked pale as she took in some of San's history with Marco.

_"Wow. My poor Ana! I wish I could hug her and squeeze her right this moment. I just want to hear her voice and I just want to know that she is okay._ _Do you think that he has her phone?" _

She looked defeated

_"Maybe or he probably forbid her from talking to you. He knows she and I are just friends, so maybe I can still call her without raising any red flags. Do you want me to give calling her a try?"_

A glimmer of hope flashed in her eyes.

_"Yes. Please. I will be quiet. I just need to hear her voice to know she is okay!" _

She pleaded with me.

Obviously it didn't take much to convince me.

* * *

><p>I reached for my phone and put it on speaker before dialing the number.<p>

It rang only once and then I heard San.

Her voice was deeper and even more raspy than usual.

She sounded like she was losing her voice and seemed a little paranoid.

As I tried to squeeze info out of her, Britt sat squeezing my hand and when San broke down and gave me the message for Britt.

Even I couldn't hold back my tears.

In less than 24 hours I could hear what Marco had done to her.

Britt couldn't hold back and called out to San.

I could hear the hope in Santana's voice as she called out to Brittany and my heart ached for them.

And then just like that, the panic was back and she told us she loved us.

We could hear her scream out and then a loud thud.

Britt was sobbing and I was just trying to hear what happened.

I heard someone breathing on the phone.

_"San? Is that you?"_

_"Hey Lucy, she can't come to the phone at the moment. She is so exhausted from all the catching up." _He laughed and then the line went dead I called back but it went straight to voice mail.

_**You reached Santana Lopez please leave me a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can. *beep***_

Britt left a tear filled message and begged San to call her back, even leaving her phone number just in case.

Never before had I looked forward to Sue Sylvester's cheer boot camp so much.

Three weeks secluded in the Pocono Mountains away from Marco, Santana's personal boogie man.

August couldn't come soon enough.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Shorty but goody! :) Review! **_


	7. Chapter 7:The Sharpest Lives

**Chapter 7: The Sharpest Lives (My Chemical Romance)  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>Three weeks secluded in the Pocono Mountains away from Marco, Santana's personal boogie man. <em>**

**_August couldn't come soon enough._**

* * *

><p><strong>Santana's POV<strong>

* * *

><p>My first week in New York was spent in the apartment relearning how to deal with Marco.<p>

By the end of the week, I had mentally began to countdown until cheer camp.

Marco told me that I wouldn't go back home before camp, that instead, he would be personally dropping me off at the camp the morning it began.

He was going to hold onto me for as long as he could.

On Saturday, one week after my birthday, five days after I talked to Quinn, Marco arranged for me to meet his contact at Columbia for an interview.

I was hoping to get into the pre-law program and I knew that any extra clout would get me in.

Marco tells me that it is all in who you know and what you can do for them.

We had thankfully not had anymore disagreements and I hadn't had to service anyone but him since the run in with Mr. Evans.

I made a nice dinner and cleaned the apartment up, hoping to impress Marco's contact.

I knew that if I could get in good at Columbia that I would be one step closer to making my life with B.

* * *

><p>I sat in our kitchen nursing a glass a wine, waiting for Marco to get home.<p>

I wore a beautiful cocktail dress that Marco brought home for me that hugged my every curve while still looking fairly modest.

I was more than ready to network my way into the school of my dreams.

When I heard the key in the lock, I quickly finished my wine and rinsed out the glass.

I rushed over to the door to greet Marco, hoping to stay on his good side tonight.

My bruises had all recently faded away and I was trying my best to not have anymore of them.

I just wanted to return to Britt in one solid piece and that could only happen if I just did what Marco asked of me.

Marco wrapped his arms around me and held me close to his chest and whispered in my ear.

"_You look amazing and it smells great in here. You will make an amazing wife soon enough! Mr. Evans should be here shortly."_

* * *

><p>I know that he felt my body stiffen as he mentioned just who our dinner guest would be.<p>

I tried to play it off but nothing gets past Marco.

_"Oh did I forget to mention that Mr. Evans is the dean of admissions to the law program? It must have slipped my mind!"_

He looked down at me smiled.

I forced a smile and reached up and kissed him.

I wasn't going to let him bait me.

"_Oh then I know that he already loves me! Wait until he tastes my rice and chicken!"_

I smirked and turned away heading back to the kitchen.

I hadn't gotten two steps before Marco grabbed a hold of my wrist squeezing gently.

"_That better be the only thing you let him taste."_

He grumbled before meeting my lips roughly with his own.

I laughed and walked away.

I may have overstepped before but now that I knew my boundaries I was prepared to play his games.

* * *

><p>My heart was racing but my face remained smiling and happy when I greeted Mr. Evans at the door.<p>

He kissed my cheek and then handed me a bottle of wine.

Marco came up behind me and put his hand on my lower back.

I knew that he did it to remind me of what he had said.

I looked up at him and showed him the bottle of wine.

"_Wasn't this nice of Mr. Evans? I can't wait to try this! Thank you so much Mr. Evans. Please come into the dining room and have a seat. I have made quite the feast! I can't wait for you to taste everything."_

I smiled as I placed a hand on his shoulder and guided him over to the table.

I could feel Marco shooting daggers at me but I knew that this was the only contact I should have without permission so I was milking it.

All throughout dinner Marco was shooting glares at me every time that Mr. Evans complimented me.

* * *

><p>"<em>So Ana, I have seen your transcript and your entrance letter and I have to say that our Pre-Law program would be lucky to have you! Maintaining a 4.0 average with 4 AP courses, tutoring, cheerleading, show choir, debate and track! I am very, very impressed! I am certain that you will be getting an acceptance letter shortly!"<em>

He winked at me and I couldn't help but grin.

He was handing me Columbia on a fucking gold platter and I was jumping up and down in my seat with excitement.

"_Yes, Mr. Evans she is quite the talent as you well know. She is amazing academically, socially, and sexually…" _My jaw dropped._ "Why the look Ana? We are all friends here!"_ Marco deadpanned.

It took me a moment to pick my mouth up off the floor, I couldn't believe Marco.

He couldn't even let me have this moment in time.

He had to bring up _that. _

Mr. Evans at least had the decency to appear flustered and embarrassed but not Marco, no, he was brazenly laughing and sneering at me.

* * *

><p>I stood up and began to clear the table, I had picked with Marco and he was once again showing me just were my place was.<p>

When I was alone in the kitchen I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding.

I fought the tears that were clogging up my sinuses and tried to regain my composure.

I could hear them out there laughing and discussing me.

Mr. Evans was now agreeing to things and I knew what would be next.

I swallowed hard and tried to ignore the churning in my stomach.

The kitchen door swung open and nearly knocked me down.

Marco reached for my wrist and yanked me back out into the dining area.

_"Come on Ana, Mr. Evans has agreed that he would love a repeat performance."_

_"Marco, please? No?"_

_"You started this game." _He snarled before shoving me towards Mr. Evans pushed back chair.

I looked up at Mr. Evans with tears in my eyes and he just smiled at me.

I knew that this was going to taint Columbia for me and make it something that would always remind me of this moment.

I didn't even bother looking up at Marco.

I just nodded and proceeded with what was asked of me.

Once again Marco hiked up my dress while I was on my knees and took me from behind.

This was becoming too regular for my liking.

* * *

><p>After they were finished with me, they excused themselves to the living room to drink and smoke cigars while I cleaned up.<p>

I stood in the kitchen dry heaving into the sink while I felt fluids dripping down my legs.

I rinsed out my mouth but I couldn't get the bitter taste off of my tongue.

I quickly cleaned up the kitchen and then swiped a bottle of wine.

I crept down the hallway into the bedroom and climbed up onto the bed.

My phone rested on the nightstand charging, I had been forbidden to touch it without permission and so it taunted me.

I could only answer if my parents called, never have I ever imagined that a call from my parents would seem like a Godsend.

Unfortunately the call never came.

I pulled out the cork of the wine bottle and promptly began taking long pulls from the bottle.

It seemed like only seconds before I had finished off the entire thing.

My body was buzzing and my head was swimming.

I put the bottle on the night stand and stared longingly at my phone.

I had to chance it just to hear her voice.

I picked up my phone and dialed the number that I had memorized the day I met her.

The phone rang and rang but it eventually went to voice mail.

I listened out for Marco and then left a message.

"_Hey Britt-Britt! It's me Ana. I had to sneak and call you. I just needed to hear your voice. I love you so much! I'm okay. I just miss you so much and can't wait to see you in twenty-one days! I know it sounds crazy but get Q to pray with you. Pray for me. For us. Please! I have to go. I love you!"_

I hung up the phone and then quickly erased my call log. I rested the phone exactly where Marco had placed it and then turned over to go to sleep.

* * *

><p>I had closed my eyes for barely a second before I was shaken awake.<p>

I sat up and immediately regretted it, my head started throbbing but I knew that I couldn't ignore Marco.

"_Get up! You start work in like twenty minutes! Let's go!" _

I was disoriented as Marco ripped me from the bed and started to dress me.

I just sat there and stared blankly over his shoulder as he slipped on my shoes.

"_Marco, baby, where are we going? It's late. Can't we just cuddle or something? I don't even have a job…what job would even be this late?" _

I knew that I was rambling but aside from being an emotional drunk I also couldn't shut myself up when I needed to.

"_Well, Ana, since you took it upon yourself to drink a whole bottle of vintage wine I didn't get the opportunity to tell you. Mr. Evans owns a strip joint on the side. Very upscale, high class and you just auditioned for the job tonight." _

I looked at Marco and shook my head.

This was not something I planned on EVER doing.

Marco raised his hand and I flinched back.

He went to swing and I fell off the bed before he could ever make contact with my face.

"_Marco, please, I can't ever be a successful lawyer if I am stripping. You know that. Please don't make me do this!" _

I begged and pleaded with him and it just resulted in him laughing at me.

"_Oh, no worries sweetheart, you won't be stripping publically. You are VIP, you will only do private dances and of course serving as an escort. I will allow you to keep half of everything that you earn. Think of it as my gift to you for being a good girl and doing what you are told!" _

He playfully patted my cheek and then continued to dress me.

I felt my stomach lurch and I ran wildly to the bathroom barely making it to the toilet before I lost my dinner.

I could taste remnants of semen mixed with wine and that only made for me get sick again.

"_Alright, get up, brush your damn teeth and let's get moving."_

* * *

><p>I moved like I was on autopilot, I turned off my mind and just did everything Marco told me to do, word for word.<p>

It was just easier that way.

Imagine me, Santana Lopez, taking orders.

This just proves that anything is possible.

I don't remember much of my night, I was given endless shots and even got to try out some of the high grade cocaine.

I know, I know…kills the brain cells but I had to cope in someway.

I danced and smiled just like I was expected to and true to his word, Marco let me keep $500 bucks.

I was flying high, literally and I quickly forgot who I was.

Marco seemed to like me stoned, when I got home each night I jumped on him and let him go at it all night long.

I became his puppet and once he discovered that this was the easy way to get me how he wanted, he decided to keep me this way.

Night after night we went on like this, he would come home, I would serve him dinner and then he would shake a baggy in my face.

I began to enjoy my nights and sometimes even my days when a high power executive needed arm candy to take to lunch.

I began to forget that there was a life waiting back home for me in Lima.

I dreamt less and less about those crystal blue eyes.

My life was in shambles and I didn't know how to pick it back up, so I just stayed high.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Cheer camp is next! :)**_


	8. Chapter 8:Smoke & Mirrors

**Chapter 8: Smoke & Mirrors (Lifehouse)  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>My life was in shambles and I didn't know how to pick it back up, so I just stayed high.<em>**

* * *

><p>I worked every single day and time that I Marco would allow me to.<p>

I had saved up almost ten thousand dollars and I refused to put it in the bank.

I became increasingly paranoid as time went on but just chalked it up to being around strangers all day.

All the days blended into one continuous stream of activities.

My brain was on autopilot and swimming in enough booze and cocaine to render me brain dead but I no longer cared.

I knew somewhere in my mind that this was temporary and that I would be back in boring old Lima soon enough so I was giving in to the enjoyment of living and winning!

A small sick part of me even wished that I could just stay.

I had even tried to convince Marco to just elope with me at one point but he seemed mortified and pushed me off onto another client.

Time flew by faster than we both expected and before I knew it there were only four days left until Marco would drive me to the Poconos.

I was a nervous wreck and it seemed to be catching because Marco seemed more on edge then I was.

He wouldn't let me work anymore and he cut down my supply of drugs, without even a warning.

Instead of a constant high he was weaning me off.

I knew that I should have been grateful, knowing that Sue was no nonsense about drugs and pregnancy but I wasn't.

Never in my life had I thrown so many tantrums.

Sue could handle a drunken cheerleader by forcing her to take a cold shower but someone higher than life she would promptly kick to the curb.

I knew that I should be happy that Marco was getting concerned but I was angry, I stopped eating and I wouldn't allow him to touch me no matter how much he threatened to kick my ass.

I just became a shell of myself and he seemed freaked out, I was no longer recognizable as the girl that he had beaten into submission and it shook him to the core.

* * *

><p>Marco knew that he wasn't going to be able to explain this away to my family and friends.<p>

I had gone through a drastic physical and emotional change and my body was almost skeletal.

I had lost fifteen pounds off my petite frame because of the blow and my hunger strike was just making it worse.

For the first time since I was in middle school, I tipped the scale at just under three digits.

None of my clothes fit me any longer so Marco was forced to buy me a whole new wardrobe.

He was no longer cocky or self assured.

Now he was just constantly nervous and careful around me.

I knew that I was out of touch but I didn't see myself like he did.

In my mind I was the same old Santana Lopez.

It all ended up turning a light on in his head because Marco became so desperate that he made a deal with me.

He agreed that he would call of the engagement after a few months and take the blame for it as long as when I came to Columbia I would go back to escorting and sharing the profits with him.

I turned him down at first but then he dangled a bonus in my face.

He told me that he would provide me with all the drugs that I needed to get by as long as I tried to control myself.

I just had to stop right now, I had to pass that entry drug test at camp or I could kiss my Cheerios uniform goodbye.

I agreed to it immediately.

* * *

><p>We woke up early Saturday morning before sunrise.<p>

Marco packed my bags for me and helped me wash my hair.

He was being really sweet to me and I knew it had a lot to do with his fear of my father, if Sue called him.

By the time that we climbed into the car, I looked like myself again.

I had my regulation ponytail and my Cheerios sweat suit on.

My makeup was perfect, especially since I had no bruises to cover up.

Marco told me that he had put my "medicine" in a special compartment at the bottom of my bag that was untraceable.

He told me that if I stretched it, I would be able to make it the whole month.

I hoped so!

We stopped at Starbucks and got the biggest, most caffeinated drink to help me with my shaking.

I had to stay clean today and I knew it was going to be really tough.

I wasn't an addict but when my hands wouldn't stop shaking I sure felt like one.

* * *

><p>We arrived at the camp before the buses from Lima and before Sue.<p>

Marco helped me move into my designated bunk and then I kissed him goodbye.

I watched Marco pull off and then I headed back inside my cabin to unpack my belongings.

I needed to keep myself busy in order to stay away from that hidden compartment.

I became paranoid and started to wonder if leaving it in my bag was the best plan.

So I grabbed all of it and decided to go for a hike in the woods.

I knew that the buses would be pulling in soon and that I had only a small window of opportunity to hide my stash.

Being a senior Cheerio, I knew this camp and these woods better than most of the newer girls and right now that was working to my advantage.

I walked a half a mile before I found what I was looking for.

There were a couple of huge trees that had fallen over and under one of them you could climb in.

Other than myself, Q, and Britt nobody knew that this existed.

I knew that it was risky putting this here but I couldn't trust Sue not to ransack the cabin.

So, I pulled out my pocket knife and cut a piece of the bark as deep as I could. I didn't know that I was capable of being so crafty but hey hang around Glee nerds long enough and you are bound to pick up anything.

I made a big enough hole and then stuck the stash deep into the hole before covering it back up with dirt and then the thick bark.

I made a small squiggle (because an X was too damn obvious) and then I climbed out of the tree.

I kept looking over my shoulder back at the tree and then at my surroundings.

My hands began to shake so I tucked them in my pockets and trudged back to camp.

* * *

><p>I got back in enough time to make it seem like I had been sitting on the steps just waiting patiently.<p>

The buses pulled up and I smiled bigger than I had in a long while.

A weight lifted off my shoulders as I prepared myself for what was ahead.

I heard Sue on a tirade before they even got off the bus and I knew immediately that it had been smart to stash my stuff.

Before long the camp was buzzing with activity.

I didn't really trust my shaking limbs to make it over to the buses so I sat patiently waiting.

I saw two blonde heads heading my way so I stood up so they could see me.

Q saw me first and then mumbled to Britt.

I smiled even bigger when she looked up at me.

She smiled and then dropped her luggage as she ran to me.

"_Britt, Sue is going to kill us if she sees this! Get back here!" _

But even Quinn couldn't blame her.

I was nearly knocked over by the force of the hug that I had received.

Britt held me tightly and I just rubbed her back as I heard her sobbing and apologizing in my ear.

I looked at Q and she nodded at me, confirming my suspicion that she had told B the whole story of me and Marco.

After a moment Britt stepped back and looked me over with a frown.

"_You look sick, are you okay?" _

Shit.

* * *

><p>I nodded never dropping my smile.<p>

She didn't seem convinced but was letting it drop for the moment.

I helped them bring their bags in and get settled.

The senior bunk this year only housed the three of us since we seemed to be the only ones left.

I was totally excited to have a full month of nights alone with my girls.

I sat on my bunk listening to the stories of the bus ride and how Sue wanted everyone down at the triage at six sharp for our physicals, which included our drug and pregnancy tests.

I had a feeling that all of those tests were at risk of being failed by me.

I had been taking poor care of myself, I had been high as a kite for weeks and I had been having unprotected sex with Marco almost everyday, including this morning.

Britt and Q finally sat on either side of me and started visibly examining me.

We had to change into our uniforms soon which consisted of red spanks and a black tank top.

I was nervous about it and was trying to stay in my hoodie as long as possible since their leering was making me anxious.

* * *

><p>"<em>What?"<em> I finally spat, with more venom than I had meant.

I was beginning to fiend for my drugs.

Both of them looked even harder at me.

"_San, we are just worried that's all. You haven't said a word to us yet and it's been almost twenty minutes. How are you?"_ B

Britt nodded in agreement and threw her arm around me.

I knew I had to bring myself back under control or risk giving myself away.

_"I'm okay, just adjusting. I guess I just seem like this because I am just tired. I'm sorry I snapped. I'm nervous about dealing with Sue again, just bear with me okay?"_ I said barely above a whisper.

I played with my engagement ring, a habit that I had developed, Britt snatched my hand and examined the diamond.

She looked back up at me.

"_Do you have to wear it while you are here? It hurts me to see it on you." _

I smiled at the adorableness that was Brittany and nodded.

"_You can take it off of me if you want." _

Britt's face lit up as she slid the ring off my finger.

"_Better?"_ I asked.

And she nodded,

_"Much better!"_

We were interrupted by the loudspeaker that was installed in every cabin, it sounded like Sue had the bullhorn in front of her mouth as she spoke into it.

**"_Attention ladies, the pathetic excuse for a triage nurse has come down with some kind of bird flu and so I the drug and pregnancy tests are cancelled until we get back to school. Unfortunately I am going to have to trust that you are all up to your peak level of Sue standards! I want you all to get your asses down to the mess hall in ten minutes! Sandbags, if you are here, which I assume you are because I could smell the silicone as I passed by the senior cabin, I want you down here now! As for the rest of you now have nine minutes to report!"_**

* * *

><p>I jumped up and immediately pulled off my sweatshirt and pants.<p>

I had already been dressed under them so it was easy move fast.

I heard both Quinn and Britt gasp as I threw my stuff on my bed and hustled out the door.

I would deal with them later.

I knew almost instantly that I was going to have to push myself extra hard because the minute jog to the mess hall had me winded.

I stopped short when I saw the red track suit two feet in front of me.

Sue looked down at me with a knowing look and my heart began to race.

"_Follow me Santana." _

If the look didn't get my attention, Sue's use of my first name sure did.

I walked with her to her office at the back of the mess hall.

She sat down behind her desk and folded her hands over a red file folder.

_"Shut the door and have a seat." _

I did as she asked and then quietly sat in front of her.

_"Yes coach?"_

_"Do you know why I called you in here without your sidekicks?" _

I felt like I was going to shit myself.

Something was definitely up.


	9. Chapter 9:Wasted

**Chapter 9: Wasted (Carrie Underwood)  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>I felt like I was going to shit myself. Something was definitely up.<em>**

* * *

><p>"<em>No, I'm not quite sure, Coach."<em> I said as I looked into her eyes.

"_Well let me enlighten you, I was recently in New York City at a conference and I ran into one of my college buddies. Ed McNamara. Does that name ring any bells."_ I shook my head not sure where this was going. _"Ed saw one of my best cheerleaders out escorting one of the rival coach's husbands. He told me he saw you snorting something and that you looked higher than God. I called you here to give you a chance to fix this before you lose everything. I cancelled the drug tests for you. I want you as my captain this year but I can't have you leading my Cheerios to Loserville. Got it?" _

I nodded.

_"Yes Coach."_

I couldn't let her see me cry, I wouldn't allow it.

_"So I am asking you right now, where is your stash? I know you hid it somewhere out in those woods. I have cameras everywhere. So I am going to go out there and run some drills and I while I am doing that I want you to go get your stash and bring every bit of it back to me. Got it?"_ I nodded again. _"If you mess this up, you can pack your stuff right now and hand in your uniform, for good. So think hard about how you want to end your high school career, understand?"_ I nodded. "_Well…what are you waiting for get a move on!"_

I jumped up out of the chair and headed straight back towards my cabin.

I passed curious eyes as I headed in the opposite direction of Sue but I didn't give a shit about those losers.

I passed by Q and Britt, who wanted to stop me but I just waved them off and promised to see them soon.

My whole body was zinging and my mind was running in circles.

I had to get to my phone, I had to call Marco.

I rushed into the cabin and found my phone on my bed, not where I left it but I didn't have time to think about it.

* * *

><p>I surprisingly had signal as I dialed Marco's number.<p>

"_Miss me already, Ana?"_ He laughed into the phone.

"_Sue knows. She pulled me into her office and demanded me to hand over my stash"_ I blurted out. _"What do I do? I'm freaking out!"_ There was silence on the other end and I panicked. _"Marco, baby, answer me!"_

Again, silence.

I began to sob out loud.

"_Calm down, she seems to be giving you a chance, right?"_

I nodded even though he couldn't see me and then I spoke up.

"_Yes, she said if I turned it over she would allow me to be captain but if I didn't I had to turn over my uniform. Marco I have worked too hard to lose the Cheerios again. I'm so scared!"_ I admitted.

"_Well, Ana. Take the chance she is giving you. Go get your stash and take it to her. You can get through this. You have your friends and strangely you even have Sue."_

He tried to comfort me and I instantly felt a sense of calm.

I thanked him and then tossed my phone back onto the bed.

I turned towards the door and saw Britt and Quinn standing there side by side looking at me.

I didn't need this right now.

I pushed past them and began trekking back through the woods.

I knew that they were following me but I just didn't have time for them right now.

* * *

><p>I found my stash easily and thanked God that we were all too big to fit into the tree at the same time.<p>

I climbed out the tree and held the bag to my chest.

I had no pockets and now realized that I wouldn't be able to do this quietly like I had thought.

I was going to have to do this out in the open and I felt a panic attack grip me.

My chest was tight and I couldn't breathe.

Oh God...I couldn't die like this.

Oh God.

I dropped to my knees and clutched the bag even closer.

I tried hard to breathe but I couldn't calm down enough.

I felt Britt on the ground beside me and I began to cry.

Britt rubbed my back and began to sing Landslide into my ear.

The pain in my chest subsided and I was able to get a handle on my breathing.

* * *

><p>I shot up startling Britt and began to run as fast as I could back down the hill towards Sue.<p>

I felt them running right along with me, Britt was a natural runner and easily matched my pace while Q seemed to be pulling in right behind me.

"_We are so proud of you right now, San"_

Q said between breaths.

I couldn't help but smile a little.

I had been pulling away from them but they refused to let go, this was why I loved them both so very much.

I knew then that what Marco had said was true.

I would make it through this because I had my friends and even Sue.

A sudden peace flooded my body as I came to a slow jog, we were running past Sue and the Cheerios now heading straight for office.

I heard her tell the girls to take five and go run laps around the mess hall.

Only Sue would think that was a break.

* * *

><p>When we reached Sue's office I placed my bag down in front of her and sat down.<p>

Q and Britt stood on either side of me and waited for Sue to respond.

I held my head up and looked Sue in the eye.

"_That's all of it coach. Every last bit. I hope you will still have me as your captain?"_ I said looking down into my lap.

I heard a heavy sigh from my coach and then I felt my best friends each lay a hand on my shoulder.

"_Ladies, thank you for making sure she stayed honest. When we talked last week I didn't believe that she would agree. I don't think she would have if you weren't here to have her back. It is good to see the unholy trinity back together. Between the four of us we can whip those pitiful creatures out there into champions. Santana, this stops right now! When was the last time?"_

My head swam with so many questions but I knew I had to focus.

I cleared my throat realizing just how dry it was and then I looked her straight in the eye, silently thanking Marco for getting me to stop.

"_It has been two days. Marco…made me stop so that I could dedicate myself to the team. I hated him for it but now I realize that it helped."_

I looked her in the eye and then dropped my head back down.

"_Well Santana, I want you to come to me if it becomes unbearable. Otherwise I want you out there pushing to be the best and stay the best because believe you me, Q would jump at the chance to get her spot back!"_

I heard Q laugh and nudge my shoulder but I couldn't meet her eyes just yet.

Shame was filling me.

But she didn't let that stop her playfulness.

"_You got that right coach!"_ she muttered.

We spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening getting back into shape and perfecting routines.

I had to push myself extra hard but as least I was doing it knowing that I had support from all directions, which was more than I could ask for.

* * *

><p>"<em>Come on ladies, two more laps! Go, Go, Go. Pick it up, Pick it up! Nice job Q, way to show these worthless slugs how it is done, properly! Sandbags, your spot is in the front with your blonde counterparts…you have 2.5 seconds to get those flotation devices to propel you forward or Q gets to be the Captain again!" <em>

My lungs were on fire and all feeling in my legs had long disappeared.

I took a deep breath and I pushed myself as far past my limit as I could go.

Before I knew it I was side by side with Q and we ended up finishing the last lap together.

I walked off to the side and stuck my finger down my throat and waited to feel the bile rising.

I had no shame after all that I had been through in the last month.

I had no choice but to force this, the churning in my stomach was unbearable.

Britt was right next to me blocking the view of my vomiting from the other Cheerios.

She just stood there and rubbed my back silently, I knew that she was waiting for us to be alone tonight before talking about what had transpired but was showing an incredible amount of patience in the mean time.

I blew out deep breaths and silently thanked the heavens that I had made it to the finish without dropping.

I forced myself to stand up and then I led the way to the mess hall.

* * *

><p>This would be the only week that Sue would allow us the luxury of eating a bunch of junk but she says that it is only to build up our strength before we take our Master Cleanses next week.<p>

The three of us sat at the back of the mess hall surrounded by empty tables.

We were at the top of the heap and so no one wanted to cross us or sit too close.

When we sat down my tray looked vastly different from Quinn or Britt's.

Quinn had a bacon cheeseburger and fries with a huge cup of diet soda while Britt had loaded her tray with mashed potatoes and a piece of steak.

If Mr. Shue could see the things there were put out for us to eat he would probably launch a protest.

I chuckled to myself as I looked down at my small salad and breadsticks.

I began to cover my lettuce in dressing when I realized just how quiet my company was being.

I looked up and saw Quinn staring at me like I had two heads.

_"What Quinn? Just because I am a brunette doesn't mean you can mistake me for the hobbit!"_ I smirked trying to be as normal as possible.

She sucked her teeth and rolled her eyes.

_"That can't be all that you're eating? You are like a stick San. You need to eat more, you can't afford to have Sue down your back anymore than she already is."_

Britt nodded in agreement as she rubbed my arm.

_"Ana sweetie, this is usually your favorite week of camp, because you can pig out. You hate salad! Here have a piece of my steak."_ Britt said cutting a huge piece of steak and placing it on top of my salad.

The smell of the meat made my stomach lurch but because I had already emptied my stomach I ended up dry heaving and coughing.

I violently shoved my plate away and stood up.

I couldn't take the pressure.

* * *

><p>I went to step over the bench so that I could make a quick exit when I ran straight into a red track suit.<p>

_"Where do you think you are going, S?"_

I looked up and saw that Sue had on her a deep scowl.

I could feel all eyes on me as the room became deathly silent.

_"I'm not feeling too hot. I was just going to head up to the cabin and lay down."_ I said while trying to maintain the eye contact that she found so important.

I felt her press down on my shoulder, all but forcing me to reclaim my seat.

She shook her head and then pulled Quinn's burger out of her hands.

_"You will sit here and eat this whole burger and then you can leave. Got it?"_

I swallowed hard as the smell of bacon assaulted my nose.

I nodded and took the burger from her hands and held it in front of my face.

I could see everyone watching me to see if I would defy Sue but I smiled and took a huge bite.

The saltiness of the meat reminded me of Mr. Evans for some reason and before I knew it I was getting sick all over Sue's favorite track suit.

There was a collective gasp as I put my head in my hands.

_"Sandbags, my office now! Q?"_ She barked, clearly trying to regain her composure.

_"Yes, coach?"_ Q nearly shouted.

_"Clean this mess up and then I want you two in my office with a new burger and have the cook whip up one of those chocolate protein milkshakes. Oh and bring a bucket."_


	10. Chapter 10:Don't Let Me Fall

**Chapter 10: Don't Let Me Fall (B.o.B)  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>"Oh and bring a bucket."<em>**

* * *

><p>Sue held her head high and marched off to her office.<p>

I didn't hesitate as I jumped up and followed her.

I heard a few snickers that I quickly shut down with my signature glare.

Once we were in her office Sue began to peel off her soiled jacket and then walked into the back room.

I could hear the water running and then after a few moments she reemerged in a black track suit looking a bit pale.

I felt sweat pouring off my skin and my mouth was becoming increasingly dry as I sat staring at the bag that still sat front and center on her desk.

I began to bounce my feet and scratch at my arms.

I felt cold and hot at the same time.

My mind was running laps.

I knew that my eyes were bouncing all over the place but they would continuously end up staring back at the desk.

Sue cleared her throat and reached for the bag.

Seeing the bag be moved grabbed my attention and my eyes shot up to her immediately.

* * *

><p><em>"How many times a day did you snort this stuff, S?"<em>

Sue dumped the baggies of white powder out onto the desk.

My chest suddenly constricted.

I couldn't believe how I was acting.

My own body was betraying me.

I felt like I was going to start hyperventilating.

_"I don't know. Five, maybe six times a day."_

I shrugged not really sure if the number was any larger than that or if it really mattered now that I had been found out.

I know that I had snorted the coke like it was candy.

Nose candy!

Ha!

_"For how long did you do this to yourself? When did you start?"_

Sue had no edge to her voice she just seemed genuinely concerned.

_"Two or…maybe three weeks ago? I'm not really sure. I don't remember much."_

I shrugged again and was beginning to feel trapped under her intense gaze.

_"Before these last few days when was the last time that you remember being sober, Santana?"_

_"Sober from just the coke or the alcohol too?"_

I had consumed a lot of alcohol since my birthday and I wasn't sure if I had been sober a full day since then.

I wanted to make sure I was as honest as could be, it was the only way that she would keep me on the team.

* * *

><p><em>"Both!"<em>

Her voice was becoming strained and at her statement I nearly fell out of my chair not expecting her to raise her voice.

_"The last time that I talked to Q and Britt. I think it was two days after my birthday."_

Had it really been that long?

I tried to maintain eye contact with Sue but her stare just seemed to get increasingly intense and intimidating.

I don't think she even meant to come off that way but old habits die hard.

_"So a month, you have been like this for that long and it was that frequent. I don't know S, I think you may have a problem. I don't know if this is something that this team can handle. Now, I'm not fan of quitters, I despise them from the core of my being, but in this case I think I need to call in a professional or maybe you should pack it up and go home."_

The hoarseness returned to Sue's voice and then I broke, she seemed like she was at the end of her rope.

_"No. Please. I will do anything you want, I can be the best."_ I was becoming desperate. _"Coach I cannot bring in my senior year without my uniform!"_

I knew what would happen if I showed up at school after losing Nationals with the glee club and then not wearing a Cheerios uniform…it would be the kiss of death.

Just then Q came into the room with Britt on her heels carrying a tray of food and a huge milkshake.

As Quinn was placing the tray down on the desk she glanced between the baggies and me before standing up again.

_"Is there anything else you need coach?"_ Q asked visibly torn between staying and leaving.

Sue looked up at her and then shook her head.

_"Just sit down with your friend here. I have made a decision for what is going to happen. Brittany shut the door and lock it."_ Sue said as she readjusted herself in her seat.

Britt ran over to the door and did as Sue asked before returning to the seat on my right.

Before Sue could continue we heard a really loud crash from just outside the door.

Sue jumped up and swung the door open.

There were six Cheerios sprawled out on the floor.

_"Get out! Pack your stuff, obviously if you were good cheerleaders you would have been successful at eavesdropping without calling attention to yourself but you are apparently incompetent. Say sayonara, you're on the first bus back to Lima tomorrow morning!" _She turned back into the office. _"B I need you out here to guard this door."_

Britt leaned over and kissed my cheek before heading out to guard the door.

* * *

><p>I could see the adrenaline coursing through Sue and it was a welcome change to the pity she had been showing me a little while ago.<p>

She paced back and forth, glancing occasionally between me and the baggies on my desk.

_"Alright"_ she said rubbing her palms together. _"Here is what we are going to do…Q you are going to be stepping in as co-captain along with S, effective immediately. Santana, consider yourself done with camp."_

My jaw dropped.

_"But coach—I"_

She cut me off before I could argue with her, she raised her hand to silence me and continued with her master plan.

_"Listen, it's my way or the highway JLo and if you want that uniform then you better shut it and listen!"_

She was becoming agitated and I quickly bowed my head and closed my mouth.

_"Now, back to the plan…Q, you are the face of the team once again so I am going to need you to step in and whip these girls into shape while I help S back on her feet. I will be personally training you Santana. We will eat meals together, we will take morning jogs and midnight jogs together and you three will be moving down here to this building. S will be on my radar around the clock and when I can't monitor her, Q it will be your personal responsibility or all three of you are off the squad."_

Quinn and I sat staring straight ahead.

I was bitter, I finally me made captain and I had to share it with my cheerleading rival.

I loved Quinn outside of the Cheerios but while we were in uniform it was always a competition, at least for me.

I had screwed myself.

I should have been stronger but now I was going to be babied, well with Sue it was more like bullied, but still, it would be like Marco all over again.

So much for my freedom.

Sue snapped me out of my reverie,

_"Starting now Santana!"_

* * *

><p>I had missed the fact that she had still been talking and had no choice but to just stare blankly ahead hoping that she wouldn't notice.<p>

Thank God for Q.

She reached forward and brought the food tray into her lap, she tore the burger in half and handed a piece to me.

_"Eat, San."_

She urged me to take it by basically shoving it in my hand.

I grabbed the burger and slowly began to eat it.

I wanted to throw it up but I pushed it down.

I could not be a Lima Loser and so I knew that I had to maintain my status on the top of the heap.

After I finished the first half of the burger I reached out for the milkshake to quickly wash away the taste.

_"What is repulsing you so much about this burger, San? You love burgers, the saltier the better. What changed?"_

Quinn prodded and I just closed my eyes and downed as much of the milkshake as I could.

_"Answer the question!"_ Britt said poking her head in the door.

Sue nodded for her to come fully into the room. Britt shut the door and sat back down next to me.

I looked around the room and realized that I was the only non-blonde in the room.

Then I noticed that the baggies were still sitting plain as day for the world to see on the desk.

I saw that Marco had separated it out so that would indeed last me longer.

I leaned forward and was counting the bags, out loud apparently, when I felt Britt's hands on my arms, pulling me backwards.

She grabbed my face and turned me to look her in the eyes.

The world seemed to disappear as I looked in those beautiful eyes.

* * *

><p><em>"Ana, please, tell us what happened!"<em> She was beginning to cry and I didn't want to be the reason anymore.

_"He forced me to service the dean of prelaw admissions at Columbia and that tastes like him."_ I choked out.

I saw Quinn throw the burger back down on the plate.

_"I think you may have just ruined bacon for me, San."_ She said turning a shade of green.

_"Sorry. I can still eat it if you want me too."_ I said feeling pitiful and disgusting.

Sue shook her head and told me that it wouldn't be necessary and that we would just find something else.

She did however force me to physically flush every single one of those baggies down the toilet.

I cried my eyes out like someone had just died each time one more bag dissolved in the water.

Sue kept repeating our McKinley high fight song over and over again and it wasn't long before Britt and Q joined in.

After pouring in the last baggie, I had to force myself to push down the lever to send it away and it felt like the hardest thing I had ever done next to losing my baby.

* * *

><p>That night after finally managing to keep food down we moved into the dorms behind the mess hall, that were originally built to replace the old cabins.<p>

Sue had wanted her Cheerios to be able to handle any situation so while she used the dorms as her own personal space the Cheerios put up with braving the elements.

When we saw where we would be staying we felt like we had stepped into a hotel and although it looked way better than our cabin we knew, me especially, that by being here we would be subjecting ourselves to Sue around the clock.

We moved our stuff into one big room and unpacked as quickly as we could because Sue had other things planned and had given us thirty minutes to report back to her.

Sue sent Q and B out to teach the girls the fight song routine and made me sit with her and talk.

We talked about easy things, like Mr. Shue's sweater vests and the Hobbit's sweaters.

She made me laugh and it wasn't long before she had me talking about Marco.

She told me that she was going to do everything that she could to get me back to myself.

I thanked her and then she and I ran laps around the other girls while they learned the routine.

It seemed much easier than I thought it would be and it surprisingly made me feel safer.

I was still craving the cocaine and was still feeling shaky but it seemed manageable.

Sue Sylvester was my saving grace and despite what everyone says about her I don't think that any other adult would have had such a blind faith me.

I felt adequate and capable for the first time in my recent memory, like I was almost good enough for Britt.

Almost.


	11. Chapter 11:I'm OK

**Chapter 11: I'm Okay (Christina Aguilera)  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>I felt adequate and capable for the first time in my memory, like I was almost good enough for Britt. <em>**

**_Almost._**

* * *

><p><em>"I was six the first time that my dad laid his hands on me."<em>

"_Has he done it often since then?"_

"_Every time my dad drinks I can usually expect at least a bruise of some sort. Usually when I know that he is going to  
>be home I try to stay out at Quinn's or Britt's. I have managed to avoid him for a couple of months now. We dance<br>around each other for the most part. I play my part as faithful, loving, and academic Santana and he plays the part of  
>doting yet distant father figure. I know though that if I step out of line that I will feel his wrath."<br>_  
><em>"How does that make you feel?"<em>

_"Helpless, I guess, I was just a kid back then and didn't do anything that extreme to deserve it but I have gotten used  
>to it. I learned quickly to just stay out of his way and to do want he asked of me, no matter what. When I left the<br>Cheerios after the whole human cannon thing, I got into a lot of trouble for doing so without his permission. I had to wear long  
>sleeves for weeks afterwards."<em>

"_Is that why you came back?"_

"_No, I love being cheerleader. I love the Cheerios. Marco taught me a long time ago that as long as I throw myself, with my full heart, into everything that I do I will be successful. I do the best at everything that I am involved in at school, even glee."_

_"How often did you interact with Marco as a kid?"_

_"A lot. My dad has five daughters, four of them from his first wife in Puerto Rico. He always wanted a son. Before I was born his best friend from church asked him to be Marco's godfather. My dad is this great surgeon and sits on town council. Why wouldn't this guy want my dad, right? I don't remember the guy but I know he really looked up to my father. Anyway, the guy ended up dying when I was about two and Marco was ten. Marco took his father's death badly, apparently, his mom had died of cancer just five years before so now he was basically left to be raised by his ailing grandmother. Marco had rebelled and was arrested a few times before my dad got a hold of him. I was a toddler so he didn't really know what to do with me but with Marco he did, I guess. My dad decided to be that manly influence for Marco, after bailing him out of jail yet again. From that moment on, I saw Marco almost everyday, we played together, he taught me to read, tie my shoes, and how to draw. Marco has been around all of my life. He is my family. I love him and hate him at the same time."_

"_Do you think that is healthy?"_

"_Of course not, I'm all fucked up coach. It is what makes me such a good bitch!" _I smirked.

_"Do you want to talk about the baby?"_

_"I'm not really sure what to say."_

My smirk vanished.

_"Whatever you want to say is fine."_

_"Well, it wasn't planned obviously. I had just turned 13 and Marco had just finished his first year of law school at Columbia. He had gone off to New York and finished college in two and a half years. He is an amazing talent and genius. He knows all my buttons and can manipulate like no one I have seen with the exception of you. So, yeah, he had been bragging about all the stuff he got from his trust fund since he just turned 21 and so he was taking me to go hang out at his dad's old cabin in the woods for the night. I was young and so stupid, I thought I knew everything, he was like a big brother, I had nothing to fear from him but of course that was until he forced himself on me...I wasn't ready for that."_

_"Did you tell anyone about it?"_

_"I told Q and my mom. My mom insinuated that I had asked for it by going off into the woods alone with a grown man. Keep in mind it was a grown man who until then I had been allowed to be alone with and nothing had happened. I was young though and my mother was the smartest person I knew. She told me to not bring it up again and I was forbidden from going to the cops. Q and I talked about it that one time and then never again."_

_"Did you see a doctor?"_

_"After a couple weeks I started having some serious cramps and was beyond sick so I convinced my mom to take me to a doctor. That's when I found out about the baby."_

_"What did your mom say about it?"_

_"We are devout Catholics, abortion wasn't an option and adoption is almost unheard of in my family. She told me that we would prepare my dad for the news but then time went by and I was gaining weight like crazy and my body was changing quickly. I was three months before I said anything and I wish I hadn't."_

"_Where did Marco fit in?"_

"_Marco and I had been dating long distance since he had school back in New York. He tried to fly out as often as possible. He treated me like gold. I had him wrapped around my finger. I forgave him for what he had done since my mom convinced me that I had asked for it. Of course all was well until I met Puck."_

* * *

><p><em>"What happened then?"<em>

_"My world fell apart. I met Noah when he came to clean our pool and we just talked, he was the first guy in my life that didn't treat me like I was his property. We were fast friends. I told Noah about the baby before I even told Q. There is something about Noah that is like coming home, even now, he provides me that protection that I haven't ever gotten from my own father or Marco. I had sex with him shortly after we met, which I realize now was stupid but I wanted to know what it was like to give myself to someone because I chose to. Marco found out somehow and so when we went to tell my dad about the baby, Marco told him what I had done with Noah and he wasn't sure whose baby it was."_

_"Do you think Marco believed the baby wasn't his?"_

_"Oh no, he knew that the baby was his, Marco just likes to have the upper hand. If I embarrass him he punishes me...that's actually how I ended up in New York and engaged as a matter of fact!"_

_"So what happened after you told your dad about the baby?"_

_"My dad got really angry that night so my mom told me to go stay with Q until he cooled down. My mom knew what my dad is capable of doing to me and so she was trying to protect me. Marco drove me to Quinn's and the whole time he made fun of the amount of shit I was in. He told me that he was sorry but that I needed to learn my place. He told me that my mom had and that she was happy now. I felt helpless and just needed a friend, someone to hold my hand and tell me I wasn't a slut and that I was better than people believed. I needed Quinn. That night I told Q everything. Quinn was so supportive of me and she helped me get to actually get excited, we talked about names and everything. I started to look forward to being a mom. I should have never got so attached. That's why her being pregnant was so painful for me and I just couldn't be around her and knowing that she had been so amazing to me killed me but I was afraid to get attached to Beth. I knew I was right to feel that way after Quinn gave her up."_

"_Have you talked to Quinn about how you felt?"_

"_Yea, I did. It was right after she had handed Beth to Shelby and signed the papers. We sat in her hospital room and she was so hurt. I had never seen her so broken down. I held her all night and then I apologized for everything and told her how I felt. She told me that she understood and that she forgave me."_

"_Good, she is the best friend you have. Like a sister."_

"_Yea, she is pretty awesome. I love her so much. I'm not close to my four older sisters they all have their own lives and kids. I don't think they even give my life any thought. Quinn is the sister that I would choose if I could, especially after that night."_

_"So you stayed at Quinn's that night but what happened once you were back home?"_

* * *

><p><em>"Ugh. I had walked home from Quinn's house in a great mood but I knew that I was walking into a minefield so I had tried to come home under the radar. My dad unfortunately was by the door waiting for me and of course he was drunk and when he drinks he gets irrational. He called me a slut and when I stood up to him for the first time in my life he snapped. I had been on my way up the steps and he had grabbed my foot and yanked me. I lost my balance and fell forward onto the steps and as he dragged me down he continued to yell and curse at me and tell me how much I disappointed him. I barely got away from him, I wanted to run but he was strong. He kept punching me and beating me. My mom came home and that was when he finally stopped. I was curled up in a ball at the bottom of the steps trying my best to guard my stomach but it ended up not even mattering. When my mom saw me she threw herself over my body and screamed out when one of his kicks hit her in the side. My dad backed off us and helped my mom up apologizing. He left me there but my mom hadn't forgotten me, she grabbed my overnight bag from the floor where I left it, helped me to my feet and again my mom asked me to leave."<em>

_"Where did you go?"_

_"Back to Quinn's, it was the only safe place I had. I mean sure I had Noah but I didn't want to ruin what we had with this drama and Marco was back in New York. So I went straight to Q, I was in agony. The physical pain was horrible. I am so grateful for Q, she took care of me as I you know…I lost the baby. It was the worse day of my life!" _I took a deep breath but my chest felt tight. _"I think I'm done, do you think that we can we stop now?"_

I was shaking and sobbing.

_"Yes. I told you Santana, you are in charge here. I am just trying to get you to stop holding in the things that you have been holding onto all of this time. So, just one more question first and then we can stop, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

My voice sounded strained and scratchy to my ears.

It had been a trying morning and I really just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

* * *

><p><em>"Do you blame yourself for losing the baby, Santana?"<em>

_"Yes."_

I got up and walked to the door before turning around, facing Sue, I cleared my throat and said what I had been feeling for a long time,

_"Actually I more than blame myself, I hate myself for it. I deserve all the pain in my life, the bad karma that I have brought on myself."_

I turned the knob and left the room.

I knew she wouldn't follow me for which I was insanely grateful.

I needed to be alone for a while and actually mourn what I had lost.

* * *

><p>The stars were out and Quinn was snoring across the room as I lay curled in a ball.<p>

I had cried all afternoon while Sue was drilling the Cheerios into the ground.

By the time Britt and Q had come back exhausted and sore I had fallen into a deep sleep.

At some point they left for dinner and left me alone for a while longer.

I felt drained and lonely.

I knew it was late but my body and my mind didn't seem to get the message.

I heard her before I felt her.

Britt wrapped her arms around me and kissed the back of my neck.

I felt my body relax into hers and some of my tension released.

_"I love you Britt. No matter what happens this year, I will always love you." _I whispered.

She hugged me tighter and kissed me again.

_"I love you too Ana, you are my favorite person in the whole world."_

_"You haven't even met everyone in the world, Britt Britt."_

_"I don't need to silly cuz I already found you."_

_"Thanks Britt."_

Britt began to sing sweetly in my ear about songbirds and then before I knew it I was fast asleep wrapped in one of Britt's bear hugs.

It finally felt like order had been restored.


	12. Chapter 12:ThisLove

**Chapter 12:This=Love (The Script)  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong><em>Britt began to sing sweetly in my ear about songbirds and then before I knew it I was fast asleep wrapped in one of Britt's bear hugs. <em>**

**_It finally felt like order had been restored_.**

* * *

><p>It was like a light switch had suddenly been turned on inside of me.<p>

I woke up one morning, halfway through cheer camp and I was back to myself again.

Britt and Q had already left for breakfast when I woke up.

Most likely expecting me not to be joining them.

I had been curled up in my bed for days and surprisingly Sue had actually let me.

It was like I hit a roadblock in my recovery and they had all given me space.

Which was what I needed.

Which is what I hadn't had in New York.

Space and time proved to be my saving grace.

Days in that room, in that bed had taken its toll on me.

I probably smelled to the high heavens.

I got up out of the bed and actually got showered, got dressed in my camp uniform, put up my hair into my regulation pony tail and then finished it all off with a fresh coat of lip-gloss.

* * *

><p>I felt like I had been cleansed of all the stuff that had been sitting on my heart for so long.<p>

Stuff that hurt ten times more than Britt picking Wheels over me.

I had finally mourned a loss of life, my baby short life and my own tattered one.

Suddenly something stood out from the one-sided conversations that Q had been having with me while I pretended to be asleep at night.

Britt had been sleeping for over an hour while I just laid there staring out my window at the moon, wondering if my baby was up there.

Quinn had squeezed onto the bed and laid nose to nose with me and began to whisper to me.

I pretended not the hear her.

"_I know you are awake, I just saw you close your eyes but I will allow you to keep pretending. Look San, I love you so much and it is killing me to be out there cheering without you. If you tell anyone this I will kill you and they will never find your body."_ It took everything in me to suppress a laugh. _"I see you smirking Santana, you are such a horrible faker! Anyway, now that I gave you my disclaimer, San I need you. You and I are like two shot, well a triple shot with Britt. I know that you are hurting bad and there is no changing what happened to you. I just want you to understand something, something you told me that night I gave up Beth. You told me that just because you can't have the life that you want doesn't mean you have to stop trying to live. I am sure you said it much better than that but I know you get it. I am here whenever, you know that. You are my sister, my other half. I love you. So please love yourself and start living for you again."_

I stood in front of the mirror for the first time in forever and I could see the difference that Sue had made in her personal training.

I had meat on my bones and there was contentment in my eyes that I hadn't seen or even felt in longer than I could remember.

I was going to make it through this, with my friends by my side.

Quinn's words stuck out in my mind.

And I was grateful for her.

She knew my pains, it was like she had been with me each time.

I had been a fighter through it all and I hadn't backed down...why start now?

I could turn things around.

This wasn't just mine and Britt's year but it was going to be MY year.

The year that I took control of my life once and for all.

Before I took a step outside of the room I dropped to my knees and clasped my hands in my lap.

_**"Dear heavenly father, please watch over me and help me to find that peace of mind I have always searched for. Please help me to enjoy my last cheer camp and just living. I know that my baby is up there with you. The safest place imaginable, thank you for taking care of that piece of me, all the pieces of me! I love you. Amen!"**_

Most people wouldn't expect me to be religious especially with the way I treat them but my heart is always with God...go figure!

* * *

><p>I walked into the mess hall with my ego back intact and with my head held high.<p>

The atmosphere changed almost instantly, the chatter quieted but I acted like I didn't notice.

I strolled over to the food line and filled my tray with a little bit of everything and grabbed a huge bottle of water before taking a seat at my usual table.

_"Great to have you back San!" _

Quinn grinned like an idiot but I all I could do was smirk and nod.

_"Great to be back, Q."_

I caught Sue glancing at me from her perch at the table next to us.

She nodded at me and then went back to her food.

_"Yea Ana! Does this mean you will be cheering again?"_ Britt asked me.

_"You betcha Britt Britt. I am going to top the pyramid again too. Thank you for last night. Those bear hugs were just the medicine I needed."_

_"I wish I had known that sooner."_ She frowned for a second and then her face lit up again. _"Do you two think that tonight we can hang out and just talk like old times?"_

_"Of course B! I need you and Q to help me catch up and plus I was hoping we could talk about what happened in New York?"_

_"Really San?"_ Q said looking slightly concerned.

_"Yep, the easiest way to put all the bad stuff behind me and move on is to get it all out in the open. Plus I have to tell you about the deal I made with Marco."_

_"Oh I have wanted to know soooo bad!"_ Quinn leaned in and whispered,_ "I haven't been able to properly gossip in ages!"_

* * *

><p>It took three days for me to catch up with the rest of the squad.<p>

I fell into an easy routine and finally felt like myself again.

I even worked out a brand new routine that was sure to place us in the national spotlight again.

One night, Britt and I laid on my bed counting stars together.

_"So we can be together this year? Like for real?" _Britt asked one night.

_"Yes baby love, you and me k-i-s-s-i-n-g and all the other good stuff."_

_"Good!"_

_"I already planned how I'm going to come out to my parents and my Abuela. Please just be patient with me Britt, it is going to be hard for me but I am going to do it, I promise."_

_"Okay. I will give you all the time that you need Ana just as long as we can be together for real."_

Falling asleep wrapped up in Britt's arms felt just right and completely perfect.

There was no other place that I would rather be.

* * *

><p>The last night of camp, was the Cheerios time away from Sue.<p>

Sue always left a day early to get everything ready back at school so we usually just goofed around and pigged out on whatever we could raid from the kitchens.

It was the head Cheerio's responsibility to make sure everyone towed the line.

Since that was me and Q we decided that we would have a talent show, a bonfire, and s'mores!

Britt plugged in my iPhone to a docking station and then turned up Otis by Jay-Z and Kanye.

She had gotten the best dancers together and created a kick ass routine.

I swear, I could watch her dance like this forever.

The night was a success, as it dwindled down everyone sat around the fire making the s'mores and it was time for the last act.

I stood up from the ground and climbed up to the top of our makeshift stage which was the steps of a cabin.

I had no music, this was going to be acapella and from my heart.

_"This is my favorite song of the moment because it reminds me of my girlfriend Brittany."_

* * *

><p>By the end of the song most of the Cheerios were starry eyed and Quinn was fiercely texting on her phone.<p>

My favorite Cheerio, was smiling widely at me and bouncing up and down in place.

I wasn't sure at first if this was the right venue to woo my lady love but I figured if we had the full support of the Cheerios then they would rein in their meathead jock boyfriends so when this did become official it wouldn't be so hard.

I walked down the steps and opened my arms wide, Britt did a running jump and I caught her, allowing her to wrap her long legs around waist.

I smiled as she pressed her lips against mine.

There was a chorus of_ "awwwws"_ and immediately I felt more confident about what I had to do when we got back to Lima.

As all the girls cleared out to go pack up the last bit of their stuff, I put Britt back down on her feet.

_"So you liked it?"_

_"Are you kidding? I loved it! I didn't know you listened to country Ana! I never heard that song before."_

I couldn't hold back my smile from her.

I loved to surprise Britt more than anything.

I knew that I couldn't really explain where my sudden love of country came from because it would bring me back to Marco.

I knew though that Britt wouldn't question it.

Thankfully!

_"Hey where did Quinn go?"_ Britt asked as we headed back down to the mess hall.

_"You know how Q is she can't handle too many emotions at once. She probably just needed some space."_

* * *

><p>We walked hand in hand down the hill chatting away about our life together after we escaped Lima, when we heard the arguing.<p>

_"I told you not to come here! I could get in so much trouble for this!"_

That was Quinn.

_"But I had to come and explain my actions in person. I know you Luce, you would have come back home and I would be at the top of your slushy list!"_

That voice was insanely familiar but for some reason I couldn't figure it out.

We crept quietly to the side if the building and peaked behind it.

There in the shadows of the parking lot stood a crying Quinn and a remorseful Rachel Berry.

I went to confront her but Britt pulled me back into the shadows.

I looked at her confused as to why she would stop me but she just put her finger to her lips and shook her head.

_"You might still be at the top of that list. Did you think that I wouldn't find out about any of it, Rachel? I may be out here in the woods but I still talk to Puck at least once a day. How could you go back to Finn?"_

Quinn ran her hands through her hair and cried out in frustration.

_"Luce, this just-fuck look I am not as strong as Santana or as clueless at Brittany."_

I tried to step out again but Quinn beat me to the punch literally.

She smacked Berry so hard that her neck snapped to the side.

_"Don't you ever talk about Britt like that, you understand? Santana would kick your ass if she heard you! Besides the only clueless one is apparently me."_

With that Quinn turned from her and started to walk back towards the front of the building.

_"Luce, Quinn please just wait up!"_

Quinn whipped back around and pointed her finger at Rachel walking back towards her, getting all up in her face.

_"Listen up Man hands"_ Rachel cowered in fear as the bitch Quinn made an appearance. _"You and I are done. You fucked Finn and then you pranced all around Lima and made out with him. If you are back on the slushy list it's your own damn fault. You are too much of a little chicken shit to realize how amazing we are together. Finn is going nowhere in life. At 18 he has hit his peak! He will be stuck in Lima for the rest of his life reliving the good old days of high school football. You will be stuck there too since you are obsessed with sticking by his pathetic side. I am leaving Lima and never looking back! So I hope you are happy!"_

Britt pulled my arm and we made our way back to our room.

Once we were out of earshot, I pulled Britt against the building into the shadows of the door way.

* * *

><p><em>"Why didn't you let me defend you to the hobbit?"<em>

_"Because Ana, that was a private moment and it would have only made everything worse."_ I nodded and pulled her into a kiss.

_"I love you so much Britt! You are so much smarter than me! You are definitely going to get into Julliard, I'm sure of it!"_

Quinn came rushing past us and slammed the door as she went into the building.

We heard more rustling and then Rachel came stumbling around the corner looking like a mess.

I reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her close to us.

_"Shit, Santana, Brittany you scared me!"_ she yelled out.

_"You think this is bad RuPaul just you wait and see what happens if you don't fix this shit! Got it?"_

Rachel nodded her head as I pushed her back away from the doorway.

Britt smiled at her and then said, _"Q has been through a lot, so if you are serious about her please don't hurt her anymore._"

I grabbed Britt's hand and we pushed past Rachel and went to comfort Quinn.

* * *

><p>It was a long night as Quinn lay between us crying and going on and on about Rachel.<p>

My head was pounding.

I couldn't believe that Berry had gotten so deep under Quinn's skin.

Britt held her tight but an hour in, I couldn't take the tears anymore, I was just getting back to myself...it was just too much.

Thankfully, Britt had sent me to go get water, so I wondered into the mess hall to take a break from the madness.

I sat at our usual table near the back of the hall and looked out one of the windows that faced the parking lot.

All the lights had shut off and everything was lit by moonlight, Rachel's car sat in the front and inside I could see her sleeping in her driver's seat.

Her arm hung out the window and her mouth hung wide open.

I knew that I should stay out of it but I have never been insanely good with following directions.

I climbed into the passenger seat of Rachel's car and slammed the door, jarring her awake and scaring the shit out of her.

I chuckled as she jumped.

* * *

><p><em>"Quinn?"<em>

_"You wish Berry."_

_"Oh God, Look Santana I really would prefer if you stayed out of this. I screwed up and I tried to apologize. Hurting me won't change things. Now please get out of my car or I-"_

_"What are you going to do call the cops? We are on a mountain Rachel, miles away from civilization and you are in Cheerio territory. They will have my back before yours."_

_"I have pepper spray!"_ she said reaching for her keys. _"So don't think of killing me!"_

_"Can-it Rachel. I am here to help Q and by default you. Quinn is hurting really bad after what you did and you need to fix things. Was sleeping with Finessa really worth it?"_

_"I'm not so sure anymore"_

_"That's a no then?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay, So what are you going to do about it?"_

_"What is a bigger statement than driving eight hours just to talk to her?"_

_"You are going about it all wrong! This is what you should do..."_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The song that Santana sings to Brittany will be revealed in a future chapter. Please Read and review. **


	13. Chapter 13:This is How I Disappear

**Chapter 13:This is How I Disappear (My Chemical Romance)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>"You are going about it all wrong! This is what you should do..."<em>**

* * *

><p>When I stepped off the bus, I knew that things had changed within me, things had unfortunately stayed depressingly the same in Lima.<p>

I had slipped my engagement ring back on my finger and realized just how heavy it all felt.

I hadn't spoken to Marco in almost a week but I knew that when I stepped back into my father's house I was supposed to act like I was reformed.

Marco had insisted that if I was going to walk away from this engagement smelling like a rose I had to play the part of a lovesick teenager.

It was going to be a cinch to play lovesick when I had been lovesick for over a year now but the trying thing was going to channel all of that love towards Marco and not Brittany.

I had been honest with Britt about what needed to happen in order for our relationship to work, I spent the almost 9 hour drive back to Ohio explaining to her that we had to outwardly return to the way we had been after Nationals.

She wasn't very happy about the huge step backwards that we were taking but I stressed that there was no other choice.

My father had been threatening for years to stick me in Catholic school and Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow was not where I wanted to end my high school career.

So when I stepped off the bus I abruptly let go of Britt's hand and ran into Marco's arms as if I had been lost without him.

* * *

><p>I didn't even look over my shoulder after Marco had trapped my lips in a deep and searing kiss.<p>

I wanted to give this my all so I couldn't afford to see how Britt was handling any of this.

I pulled back and looked up at him and he angled his head just slightly behind him.

There standing with his arms crossed and a big ass smirk on his face was my father.

My dad has always been on the sidelines of my life and I have become comfortable with that.

I wasn't used to him showing up for something as insignificant as my return from cheer camp.

But here he was and so even though Britt was probably heartbroken, I knew that Papi seeing me in love with Marco was a good thing.

It meant one step closer to all of this ending.

One step closer to being out and proud with Britt.

I leaned in and kissed Marco once more before walking over to my dad.

_"Papi! What a surprise"_

I hate surprises, everyone knows that except for my dad apparently!

* * *

><p>"<em>Anita, I missed you so much! I realized that I never got to give you your birthday present before you left in June and I wanted to take you to pick it up."<em>

I didn't understand why he didn't just bring whatever it was but I have learned to never question my father on his decisions.

He seemed like he was in a good mood and I really didn't want to test him.

_"Great! More surprises!"_

I rubbed my palms together and feigned excitement.

Quinn was dead wrong, I was a terrific faker because my dad ate my happiness right up.

I climbed into the back seat of my dad's gleaming red BMW and settled in.

The top was down so I was able to see more than I would have normally.

I looked over my shoulder and I watched a sad looking Brittany climbing into her mom's minivan and then I saw a sad looking Q climbing into Puck's pickup.

They both looked miserable but I didn't have that luxury.

I couldn't afford to wear my heart on my sleeve like they could.

I plastered a big smile on my face and continued to play the part.

* * *

><p>I pulled up outside of Britt's house a couple hours later with Quinn in the back seat.<p>

I couldn't wait to take her for a spin in my brand new car.

Q's jaw had dropped to the pavement when I pulled up in my new BMW convertible.

While her parents were well off like my parents, they believed in that whole thrifty Christian humility.

My parents were Roman Catholic...absobanance was a sign of how good God had blessed you.

So here I was...showing just what God have given me.

I got the all black version of my dad's car.

I had been coveting his car since he first bought it so he didn't even have to ask me what dealership I wanted to go to.

I knew that Britt was upset and I just wanted to fix things before too much time went by so I figured dinner and a movie on me would fit the bill.

Especially since I had the permission of Papi and Marco.

_"Come on Q, let's go get her."_ I said climbing out of the car.

Quinn followed me up to the Pierce's front door and seemed more nervous then I was.

I knocked twice and then waited as I heard footsteps coming down the steps.

Britt opened the door and then promptly tried to shut it, I stuck my foot in the door and all but pushed my way in.

Quinn seemed hesitant but stepped inside behind me.

* * *

><p><em>"You can't even let me have control over whether or not I want you in my house?"<em> Britt shrieked.

_"Britt, calm down."_ I placed my hands on her arms but she shrugged me off.

_"Don't tell me what to do Santana!"_ she yelled.

_"I had to do it, my dad was there! I told you what was going to happen when we came back here!"_ I pleaded for her to understand.

_"And I was okay with it…I promised you but then I saw you and Marco. I saw the look in your eyes when he looked at you. There was love there! You love him!"_

Huge tears began to make their way down Britt's cheeks as she stood there by her front door trying to avoid eye contact with me.

I tentatively stepped closer and placed my hand on her cheek.

She stepped back flinching and held her door wide open.

_"I can't do this. Please leave. Quinn you have to go too. Sorry."_ She wouldn't raise her eyes from the floor as she waited for us to move. _"Go! Now!"_ she yelled.

Quinn grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door.

My foot had barely left the threshold when the door slammed shut.

_"Fuck, she nearly got my foot! Shit!"_

I climbed back into my car and Quinn sat next to me looking just as miserable as I felt.

_"San, stay with me tonight...I need you."_

_"I can't, Marco is back at the house. It was hard enough getting permission to go for a joyride. My parents are actually letting him stay in my room with me while he is here...again! It's bullshit."_

_"Should I be worried?"_

_"Always."_

_"Ugh. Just promise me you won't do anything stupid tonight."_ She grabbed my hand again and held it in her lap._ "I know how hard it was for you to come back from the drugs and this is just the thing to send you spiraling back down."_

_"I can't make any promises, Q but I will try to come back to school in tact okay."_

I pulled my hand back and placed it back on the wheel as I focused on not crying.

_"I was afraid you would say that."_

_"Well, I can't lie to you. Lies have fucked me up too many times and I can't let them fuck up shit with the only friend that I seem to have left. So I can promise you that much. I will not lie to you."_

* * *

><p>I pulled up to my house after dropping Quinn off and was greeted by my father standing in the driveway.<p>

He didn't look too happy.

I looked at my dash and saw that I was home way early so it couldn't be that.

_"Fucking fantastic!"_ I muttered before climbing out of the car.

I hit the alarm button and then tried to greet my father with a smile.

Maybe this was temporary...he looked sober after all.

_"Hi Papi, thank you so much for the car, it drives like a dream."_

He held his hand out to me.

_"Hand the keys over."_

I gripped them tight and waited for him to crack a smile but he doesn't joke around.

_"Wait, did I do something wrong?"_

I felt the tears stinging the corners of my eyes but I refused to let them fall as I placed the keys in his hand.

He reached out with his other hand and grabbed my pony tail and yanked me towards the front door.

I was nearly on my tiptoes as he lifted me almost off the ground by my hair.

What did I do now?

Fuck!

* * *

><p><em>"Explain this!"<em> he said letting go and pushing me forward.

There on the coffee table was all the money that I had stashed in my duffel bag.

Money from escorting and stripping.

I was speechless.

_"Where did you get this? Where is Marco?"_

I tried to buy time while trying to come up with an explanation but it didn't work.

_"Don't you play dumb with me Santana, your mother was trying to wash your clothes and this is what she found. My godson tells me that he offered you a corporate job but that you went off and got one of your own. He says that you refused to let him know what you did for your money. Tell me what summer job can provide you with ten thousand dollars?"_

Marco had thrown me under the bus again and this time I couldn't even figure out why.

I looked into my father's eyes and I knew that he had in fact been drinking and I knew that no matter what I did this was going to end up with me in some kind of pain.

The amount of pain that I ended up with was up to me.

I had to decide which game to play.

So I chose the game that Noah used, two truths and a lie.

_"Yes Papi, Marco did offer me a corporate job."_ **Lie.** _"I have never worked in a corporate atmosphere."_ **Truth.** _"I made a bad decision choosing to keep the job I had but I didn't do anything illegal to make that money."_ **Truthful enough for me.**

_"What job was it Santana?"_

Crap.

I hadn't thought this far ahead.

_"It was uh…a tour guide. I took people all over the city and they tipped me on top of my salary."_ People do tip really big in the city, right? _"I swear to you Papi that I worked really hard and was going to take all of this money and put it towards my college education."_

_"Lies. All of it!"_

I tensed up my body and then it came, my father's fist met my cheek and I went sliding across the floor.

When I opened my eyes again he was standing over me.

Because of the force of his punch, my eye was rapidly swelling shut and everything was blurry.

_"I thought for sure that you going off and getting engaged would help you to keep your legs closed but you are addicted to being loose. I will beat it out of you, Santana!"_

He raised his hand again and I quickly curled myself up, covering my face in the process.

Silently begging him to hit me somewhere my Cheerio uniform would cover.

It was bad enough that school started in two days and I would probably have to use a shit load of make-up as it was but did he have to kick me?

I felt sick.

My screams filled the house and I was gagging so hard that it even made me sick to hear it.

Finally I called out for the only person that would try to help me.

_"Ma-"_ I couldn't get it out as another kick hit my stomach but she had heard me.

_"Aden! That's enough!",_ Thankfully, my mom once again was coming to my rescue. _"I didn't show you this money so that you could beat her!"_

What did she think he would do?

_"Gladys, it has to stop. None of my other girls are like this. I don't know why I let you stop me from putting her in Catholic school."_

He was pissed but he managed to walk away from me.

Thank God!

* * *

><p><em>"Mami…I'm so sorry!"<em>

My mom was on her knees beside me wiping my hair out of my face.

_"Ay dios mio! Damnit Aden! She has school in two days!"_ She yelled at my father's back. _"How is she going to explain this?"_

_"She should have fucking thought of that before she decided to take her whorish ways to the big city and get paid for them!"_

With that statement he walked into his study and slammed the door.

_"Should I leave?"_ I asked and my mom nodded her head.

_"Take your old car, you still have the old keys?"_ I nodded._ "Well come on then, let me help you up. Go sit in your car and lock the doors, I will pack you a bag okay?"_

I looked at the money on the table and then back to my mom.

_"I swear I didn't sell myself on the street, Mami. I wouldn't do that! You believe me right?"_

She averted her gaze and just lifted me up from the floor.

_"We will talk about that another time. Just hurry to the car, I don't want him to see you leaving. One black eye is beyond enough."_

I walked out of the house and climbed into my old car and locked the doors just like my mom said.

I pulled out my phone and saw that I had a text from Quinn.

_**Hey S, I am back at Britt's, she called me after u dropped me off. She is lying asleep in my lap. I hope u can fix this, we shouldn't both b miserable. Have a good night, ok? I will take good care of your girl, call me tomorrow.-Q**_

Shit, there goes my bed for the night.

I only had one place left to go.

_**Hey, can I come over for the night?-S**_

_**Yeah, u need me to cum get u?-NoNo**_

_**Um…no, I'm on my way. See you soon-S**_

_**K. –NoNo**_

My mom came rushing out of the house and handed me my bag through the window.

_"I will call you when it is okay to come home. I put your Cheerios uniform in there just in case you have to go to school from Quinn's. Okay? I love you mija!"_

She leaned in kissed my cheek and then shooed me away.

When I was backing out of the driveway I saw both my dad and Marco standing in the doorway both looking equally pissed.

I knew that it would be awhile before I saw Marco since he was leaving in the morning so I was glad that I got spared a night of his brand of _"loving"._

I guess there is a silver lining in everything.

* * *

><p>I parked my car and grabbed my bag, hoisting it onto my shoulder.<p>

My stomach was cramping up but I was used to this.

Knowing Nono he had just what I needed to dull the pain.

I knew that I was safe now but I still felt like I was probably adding fuel to the fire by staying with Puck, so I shot Quinn a text before I knocked on the basement door.

It was the least that I could do.

_**Hey Q, I'm out again. I kno ur not home so I am over at NoNo's until whenever. My parents don't know I'm not with u, OK?-S**_

_**Shit, I can go home if u want me 2!-Q**_

_**No, I'm here already. I just wanted you to know. Don't worry-S**_

_**Ok. Did he hit u?-Q**_

_**Yea, just once in a visible place, prolly a shiner tomorrow. My stomach is bruised up too...but I'm fine. :/-S**_

_**I am coming 2 get u!-Q**_

_**No, Britt needs you right now, I'm covered.-S**_

_**If u r sure?-Q**_

_**Gtg, night-S**_

_**Night-Q**_

* * *

><p><em>"Why are you standing out here? Come the hell in Lopez!"<em>

_"Hold your horses Puckerman!"_

_"I can't hotbox the basement while you're standing up here! Fuck did he hit you again?"_

Noah lifted my face and then grabbed my hand and pulled me into his basement room.

I threw my stuff down on the pullout sofa and then I was wrapped in Noah's strong hold.

I didn't realize how bad I had wanted to cry until this moment.

I let everything out and began to sob into his shirt.

I gave myself only a moment because I didn't want to be pitied.

After that, I stepped back and began to peal off my clothes.

_"Whoa, whoa…what are you doing?"_ Noah stepped back.

_"I fucking need you tonight Puck, please! Just get me high and fuck me, please?"_ I was begging him.

_"I'm not sure that is what you need. Quinn told me about your nose candy problem and about you making up with Britt."_

He re-lit his joint and then sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at me in my eyes.

I was standing there in nothing but my bra and jeans and he was looking at my face.

_"Noah…come on my dad didn't pay for these tits so that you could look me in the eye. Put your fucking pride on hold and just break this off. Please?"_ he shook his head and then reached for one of his t-shirts.

_"Put this shit on or I'm calling Quinn."_

I grabbed the shirt and pulled it over my head, grumbling the entire time.

_"Fine but I am still taking off my pants, I can't be comfortable in them."_ I reached out and snatched the joint from him before he could stop me. _"And this is weed, not cocaine. I think I can handle it!"_

_"Fine but if Quinn asks, you took it from me!"_

I shrugged and quickly finished off his joint and then when he rolled a second one we finished that one off too.

* * *

><p><em>"So Noah, you love me right?"<em> I said as we played COD for the third straight hour.

_"Yea of course I love you Santana! If you weren't a lez I would wife you up quick!"_

_"Then why won't you fuck me?"_

_"Because you love Britt and I can't do that to her."_

_"But we aren't together, as a matter of fact I am engaged to a different person."_ I said raising up my left hand.

_"Hey, hands on the controller! And I know all about your fiancé Marco, I thought you got wise years ago after all the shit he put you through. What happened?"_

_"I don't know. I just need this. I won't ask again. I promise!"_

_"Fine, fuck! Let's go."_ He said throwing down his controller.

_"Really?"_ I said standing up and heading to his bed.

_"Yeah, I mean as long as this is a one time thing and it stays between us, I can't have both Quinn and Brittany on my ass."_

I stripped off the remainder of my clothes and pulled Puck down onto me.

He kissed my lips and I kissed him back but all I could think about was Britt and how she was laying heartbroken in Quinn's lap.

I ran my hands down his bare back and helped him situate himself.

_"Last chance to back out…"_ he said looking me in the eye.

_"Just fucking do it Noah!"_

* * *

><p>I just wanted to forget everything and go back to a time when lying under Puck meant a sense of security and a sense of control.<p>

But before he even went all the way, I knew better.

He entered me and I immediately felt sick to my stomach but I wasn't going to stop.

My pride wouldn't let me.

I was going to finish this.

He continued to rut above me with all of the energy of an 18 year old boy but all I could think of is how just last night, I sat in Rachel's car and helped her figure out how to fix this same situation.

How stupid was I?

When he was finished I shoved him off of me and sat up.

_"Well, do you feel any better?"_

_"No, I feel like shit."_ I muttered.

_"Is it inappropriate to say I told you so?"_

I slapped his bare chest and climbed out of his bed.

_"Ow, what was that for?"_

_"For being right for once in your miserable life. I'm leaving."_

_"Remember you asked for it!"_

_"Shut up, Puck."_

_"Just covering my ass."_

I pulled on my pants and Noah's t-shirt.

I had somehow misplaced my bra and shirt but it didn't matter, I just needed to get the fuck out of this place.

* * *

><p>I sat in my car feeling lost and alone. What had I just done?<p>

_**I'm an idiot.-S**_

_**Tell me you didn't-Q**_

_**I promised you that I wouldn't lie-S**_

_**I'm going to kill him-Q**_

_**I pressured him not the other way around.-S**_

_**Where are you?-Q**_

_**Sitting in my car outside his house, you?-S**_

_**I'm standing on Britt's front steps-Q**_

_**Can you see me?-S**_

_**Yeah, drive me home?-Q**_

_**Can I stay for a few days?-S**_

_**Of course, that's what I meant.-Q**_

* * *

><p>I sat there silently and let the tears soak my cheeks.<p>

My face was on fire and when I looked in the rearview I could see that my eyes wasn't even open.

I looked like Popeye.

How could a man do this to his own daughter?

I watched as Quinn walked the five houses down and climbed into my car.

She took one look at me and then climbed back out.

_"Get out. I'm driving."_ She came around my side of the car and opened up the door.

_"Why?"_

_"Because you are high, Santana."_ I shrugged and climbed over the console.

_"Right...I forgot."_ I mumbled.

_"I thought you weren't going to do anything stupid, San." _

_"I never promised."_


	14. Chapter 14:Fading

**Chapter 14: Fading (Rihanna)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>"I thought you weren't going to do anything stupid, San." <em>**

**_"I never promised."_**

* * *

><p>The night before school started there was a huge party at Azimio's and since I was still at Q's it was easy to just go, no questions asked.<p>

My mom still hadn't called and when I tried call her I was forwarded to voicemail so I gave up.

I stood in the bathroom putting on my eyeliner when there was a banging in the door.

_"Hey San, Britt is downstairs. She didn't know you were here but now that she knows she wants to see you."  
><em>  
><em>"Why?"<em>

_"I may have let it slip about your black eye."_

_"Either you did or didn't. Which is it?"_

_"I did."_

_"Bitch."_ I muttered.

_"I heard that."_

_"Q, I will be out in a sec, I have to get this eyeliner perfect. Besides you can barely see it anymore."_

_"Ana? Please can I see you?"_

My heart sank to the pit of my stomach.

Why does she have such a hold on me?

I swung the door open and there in front of me stood Britt looking gorgeous in her cut off shorts and belly shirt.

She had made her height even more distinguishable with the amazing pair heels that I bought her on my birthday shopping spree.

_"The shoes look great on you B."_

_"You think so? I mean they are beautiful, thanks to you, but I wasn't sure if I looked good in them."_

_"Amazing."_

_"Hmmm?"_

_"You look amazing in them. Totally fuckable."_

She laughed to herself.

_"You would know, wouldn't you."_ she mumbled and I blushed. Then her next words made my heart drop. _"How's Puck by the way?"_

_"What?"_

_"Did you know that Puck's sister Abby is in one of my dance classes? Small world isn't it?"_

Fuck!

I turned back to the mirror and attempted to find some flaw in my make up but I didn't see anything.

* * *

><p><em>"Look at me Santana. You already know it's flawless."<em>

_"Britt I um..."_

_"You don't have to explain anything to me."_ She said holding her hand up._ "We are both single. Fuck who you want. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay after your dad...but you seem fine. So I will see you at the party."_

Britt left me standing there feeling like a total ass.

Quinn popped her head around the corner.

_"I was going to warn you but then she showed up and insisted that she talk to you in person."_

_"Are you ready? I needs a drink and I needs it now."_

_"So you don't plan on taking it easy tonight?"_

_"I don't fucking think so."_

_"Just remember we have school tomorrow and Cheerio practice at 6 am sharp."_

_"Perfect we have ten hours, I only need three!"_

* * *

><p>The fact that Azimio's house is literally two houses over from Q's is almost too perfect for words.<p>

The house was almost full to capacity but I managed to make it to the kitchen with little difficulty.

I lost Quinn at some point between the door and the kitchen but that was fine with me, it just meant that I got a head start.

I was three shots into a fresh bottle of tequila when Quinn and fucking Britt find me.

I pour another shot and throw it back.

The burn in my throat is helping to wipe away the bitterness that I feel.

Quinn grabbed a beer but Britt leaned in and grabbed my fifth shot from my hand and downed it herself.

_"There are like a million other shot glasses, B!" _I slurred.

_"Yes but this was the only way to get you to slow the hell down."_

_"I already have a mother thanks!"_

I laughed, at the thought and then raised the whole bottle to my lips while pushing past my two bodyguards.

The heat of the living room hit me immediately as I tipped the bottle and took a really long pull at it.

My throat was burning and my eyes began to water but I needed to black out badly.

I had almost finished the newly opened bottle before it was ripped from my hand by Quinn.

Then I was grabbed by the arm and dragged back into the kitchen by Britt.

_"B, please!"_

I was an emotional drunk and now the tears were coming.

_"No, I won't let you go back to that dark place."_

She looked like she was in physical pain.

I hurt her way too much.

And it killed me inside.

_"Too late for that Brittany, I just can't stop myself from fucking up!"_

_"Come on, I will take you back to Quinn's."_

_"No. I want to find Puck."_

_"Why so you can go off and fuck him again?"_

_"Yes if you must know!"_

_"Fine. I give up! Do what you want, Santana. I'm done!"_

_"Good! Go! Because I plan on doing just that!"_

She left me leaning against the counter that held all the booze.

I found another bottle and opened it and swiftly took another two shots.

I stumbled out into the party ready to dance my heart out and then I blacked out.

* * *

><p>I woke up shivering.<p>

It was still dark out but when I reached for Quinn, I was met with a big fat sweaty stomach.

No!

Fuck!

No!

I turned my head and there was nasty ass Azimio snoring and drooling into my hair.

My stomach turned and I jumped up.

I found my shoes and pulled down my dress, my panties were long gone and I wasn't up to searching for them.

It had to be really late because the house was deserted when I made it down to the bottom floor.

I found my way out of the house by accident.

I had lost a contact and was half blind at this point.

I walked to Quinn's and saw that her light was on in her bedroom.

I tried the door but it was locked and the spare was missing from under the mat.

I was going to have to knock.

I raised my hand up and then before I could knock the door was yanked open.

_"Where the heck have you been San?"_

The thought of that fat ass with his hands all on me, made my stomach lurch.

I pushed past Q and climbed the steps two at a time.

_"I made it!"_ I mumbled before throwing my guts up.

I spent awhile with my face in the toilet bowl.

When I started to dry heave, I rested my head on the seat, I faced the tub and then I remembered why I avoided Q's personal bathroom and used the one in the hall.

Quinn found me curled in a ball on the floor of her shower, shaking and crying.

_"Shit! San get up come on."_

_"No."_

_"Come on you have to get some rest, we have practice in three hours."_

Quinn peeled me off the floor by threatening to call Britt.

* * *

><p>I made it to her bed and closed my eyes for a second before I was woken up again by B.<p>

_"Come on Santana, get up, we are going to get in the shower."_

_"Together?"_

_"Yes. You kind of smell and I know that you can barely stand on your own."_

Never before had Britt's hands felt so clinical and cold when she touched me.

She washed my whole body and it made me feel even dirtier.

Once we were out of the shower, she helped me into my uniform.

The more she did for me the worse I felt even when she began to put my hair up in the regulation pony tail.

_"You should get to work on your makeup Santana, your bruise is showing, and I can never fix it like you. Oh and I hope that you remembered the drug test this morning so drink plenty of water. I have to go"_

_"Thanks, B."_

My mind was foggy as we rode to school.

Quinn made a stop at the Lima Bean on the way to school, to help me wake up,

And now I was quickly sipping on the coffee trying my best to be alert.

Everything was fine until Quinn started to bring me crashing back to Earth.

_"I think you need to pull Sue to the side and let her know about that little slip up of yours."_

_"I think she will be able to tell that I'm hungover, Q."_

_"No, I was referring to you getting high with Puck the other night."_

_"Shit, I forgot!"_

_"Weed will do that to you."_

_"Not funny Quinn."_

_"I wasn't meant to be."_

_"Well I guess you will get your spot as captain today. You won."_

_"I didn't want to win Santana. I was more than happy to share the spotlight with you."_

_"Sure you were."_

_"I was!"_

_"Why didn't Britt come with us?"_

_"She just wanted to help you get ready."_

_"Why?"_

_"She slept over last night because she was worried about you. I can't believe you don't remember that."_

_"What is there to remember?"_

_"You cried yourself to sleep in her arms last night, San. She got you up and got you ready and then drove home to get herself ready."_

_"She's going to be late for practice though, why would she do that for me?"_

_"Don't be dumb, San, obviously it's because she still loves you more than anything else, which you seem to keep forgetting."_

* * *

><p><em>"How many days have we been back from camp Santana?" <em>I had my head down as coach spoke in a angry tone.

Thankfully though, for my hangovers sake, she wasn't yelling.

_"Three days coach."_

_"And you're hungover?"_

_"Yes coach."_

_"Have gotten high?"_

_"Yes coach."_

_"I hear that it was with Puckerman."_

_"Um, I'm not sure coach." _I wouldn't throw him under the bus.

_"You don't need to cover for him, Lopez, just like you he has been suspended from the football team."_

_"You are suspending me?"_

_"Effective immediately, you are off the team. I want that uniform by days end."_

_"But coach I was honest with you."_

_"Yes and I applaud you but that doesn't change the fact that you are reckless and a threat to my Cheerios."_

_"When can I come back?"_

_"In January you can take another drug test before trying out."_

_"What?" _I stood up knocking my chair over.

I was furious but I was no match for Sue Sylvester.

_"Get out of my office Lopez, before I change my generous offer."_

* * *

><p>I was dumbfounded.<p>

I pulled out my stupid pony tail and headed back to the locker room.

I pulled out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that I kept in case of emergencies.

As I peeled off my uniform and changed into my regular clothes I felt empty.

It was different being at school out of uniform when it was my choice but this was just all wrong.

I hated losing control.

I stuffed my uniform in a laundry bag and dropped it on the floor outside of Sue's office not sure if I would ever have the chance to wear it again.

I walked the empty hallways and found Noah sitting on the floor beside my locker.

When he saw me he jumped up and looked me up and down.

_"You got suspended from the Cheerios didn't you?"_

_"Yep. I didn't rat on you though NoNo, I wouldn't do that just so you know."_

_"Wow, I haven't heard that name in ages."_

_"Well, it's always been our thing, our code names remember?"_

_"Sure do, TT!"_

_"Ha! So how did they find you out?"_

_"I failed the drug test. Usually I cheat and use Finn's stuff but they actually patted us down first and then hovered near the urinal. It sucks but we will get back on the teams."_ he smirked and wrapped his arms around me. _"So I was hanging around for a reason, are you ready for more bad news?"_

_"What?"_

_"Before I turned in my uniform I heard Azimio and Perkins telling the guys how they double teamed you last night."_

_"What?!"_

_"Is it true, TT?"_

_"I don't remember last night, NoNo. If I was waking up with anyone...it should have been you and not Azimio!"_

_"Shit. Sorry I wasn't there last night. What are you going to do? It's going to be all over school by the end of the day."_

_"Ugh!"_

I kicked a random purple piano blocking the hallway and headed off to the bathroom, telling Puck that I need to clear my head.

This was the last thing that I needed.

If the school knew, then Marco would know and it was my ass!

* * *

><p>I sat in a stall trying as hard as I could to remember the night before but I couldn't remember Azimio or Perkins or crying in Britt's arms.<p>

I needed damage control or any control, I was unraveling.

_**I need you.-Ana**_

_**What do you need-Marco**_

_**You know what I need.-Ana**_

_**I'm in New York.-Marco**_

_**Please! I will do whatever you want.-Ana**_

_**Fine. You will be glad to know that what you need is sitting in the glove box of your new car.-Marco**_

_**My dad took my keys.-Ana**_

_**I left my spare in your nightstand. I will see you this weekend make it last so you can do what I want.-Marco**_

I didn't respond to his text.

There was no need.

He was going to have his way with me and I was agreeing to it.

I had needs and so did he.

* * *

><p><em>"Hello?"<em>

_"Mamí, is he home?"_

_"He just left for a conference in Memphis."_

_"Can I come home?"_

_"Yes, I am headed to work and should be home at six if you want to come by then."_

_"Thanks Mami, see you tonight."_

I hung up and found Puck messing around on his guitar in the choir room.

_"Drive me home."_

_"What? School starts in like 30 minutes."_

_"I just need to grab something while my dad isn't there. Please?"_

_"Fine but no fucking around!"_

* * *

><p>We made it to my house in record time.<p>

I told Noah to wait in his truck and he agreed.

I ran up to my room grabbed the spare key then out back to the garage and climbed into my new car.

I unlocked the glove box and then began to search.

In the back I found a little black velvet bag.

Marco had anticipated this.

I looked around even though I knew that I locked the garage door and then I dipped my finger in and brought it to my nose.

_"Here goes nothing"_

I smiled to myself and then snorted.

I immediately remembered what had been missing since New York.

Why did I give this up again?

The Cheerios?

What a joke!

* * *

><p>I tucked the bag in my sneaker like Marco showed me and then climbed out the car.<p>

I headed back in the house and remembered that I didn't have my book bag, _"Perfect!"_

I grabbed my bag and then stuffed the little baggy into the inside pocket.

I made sure to put the keys back in my room.

I didn't want my mom to realize that I had been there so I tried not to disrupt anything.

_"See I told you I would be quick!"_

_"What did you just do?"_

_"I had to change my tampon and I needed my book bag."_

_"Oh."_ he looked uncomfortable, quickly forgetting his interrogation.

When we got back to school I headed straight to the bathroom and took another hit.

I wiped my nose and then took a deep breath.

I sat in my math class and zoomed through the worksheets, it was like I was on speed.

I felt like I was moving in slow motion and everything was just speeding by.

* * *

><p>I don't remember most of the day and so before I knew it I was in last period, glee club.<p>

I sat in the back with my head in my hands staring off.

I had snuck another hit just before so I was totally dazed.

It wasn't until the final bell rang and Quinn was hauling me to the parking lot that I kind of came back to myself.

She shoved me into the car and slammed the door.

I heard the back door slam and then we were in Quinn's room.

I just couldn't keep up.

I needed another hit.

_"Answer me Santana! Where did you get this?"_

My eyes snapped up to the bag Q was dangling in my face.

My head hurt and my world was spinning.

* * *

><p>I looked up her and then I felt the warm trickle coming from my nose.<p>

_"Shit, B, grab me some tissue her nose is bleeding."_

_"B?"_ I hadn't seen her standing next to Quinn. I didn't want her to see me like this. _"I'm so sorry"_

_"Yea"_ she said with a level of sadness I had never heard. _"So am I."_

_"Then, why are you even here, Britt?"_ I couldn't hold back my bitterness as I snapped at her.

_"You just don't get it do you?"_

_"Get what Britt?"_

_"Just forget about it, obviously you don't care enough to pay attention to what is going on around you. You are just so damned selfish!"_

_"Whatever, B."_

She looked like she was going to cry at any moment but I knew that she wasn't going to give me the satisfaction.

She stormed out of the room and I could hear her in the hall arguing with Quinn.

_"I am totally done with her. She can do what she wants. I'm through with this shit."_

_"But Britt! She needs you."_

_"Impossible. She needs someone like Marco or like her father, someone who chews her up and spits her out just like she has always done to other people!"_

_"I need you…"_ I whispered as I heard the front door slam.

I wanted to go after her but she was already gone.


	15. Chapter 15:I'm Like a Bird

**Chapter 15: I'm Like a Bird (Nelly Furtado)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>"I need you…" I whispered as I heard the front door slam. <em>**

**_I wanted to go after her but she was already gone._**

* * *

><p>I lay in bed as Quinn sat downstairs having dinner with Judy and Russell.<p>

Her dad had long since left the family but he wanted to see how Q's first day back was so her mom planned a stupid family dinner.

I was invited until the stunt I pulled with the coke and so now Q was giving me the silent treatment and I was banished to the guest room.

My high had long since worn off and even though Quinn shoved my baggie into my hands and told me she couldn't handle policing me anymore,

I just didn't feel like using.

I was drifting in and out of sleep but really I couldn't do anything but think of Britt.

_**Britt Britt, I love you. Text me back-Ana**_

I got no response to that message or the dozens like it.

I was about to write another message when my phone began vibrating.

"_Hello?"_

_"Ana? Its Mami. Where are you?"_

_"At Quinn's."_

_"I need you to come home. We need to talk."_

Great another talk!

_"Right now?"_

_"Yes. Get here as soon as you can."_

_"Okay, I'm on my way."_

I grabbed my keys and crept down the steps, hoping not to disturb the awkward dinner but of course luck hasn't really favored me lately.

Or ever, if I'm completely honest.

As I approached my car, Quinn came running after me.

_"Where are you going?"_

_"My mom wants me to come home."_

_"For good?"_

_"Although, I am sure you would like that right about now, I don't know yet. I will text you. Thanks for everything."_

_"Um, yea, okay. I love you San."_

She hugged me and then ran back to the house.

I know that it was probably Judy that had sent her to ask but knowing Q she didn't want to hurt me.

They would never turn me away but I had the feeling that I was quickly wearing out my welcome.

* * *

><p>I pulled into the driveway and was thankful that just my mom's car sat there.<p>

I locked the car and then headed to the front door.

Although, I grew up in the house I wasn't sure if I should knock or just walk in.

So I knocked a little and then pushed the door open.

I found my mom in the kitchen sitting at the island drinking a cup of coffee.

She seemed nervous.

Something was definitely up.

_"Hi, mija. Do you want anything to drink? Café?"_

_"Café, please?"_

She fixed me a cup of café con leche and then sat back down.

_"I have news about your father."_

_"What is it?"_

I didn't want to push her but I hated when she went on and on instead of getting to the point.

It was infuriating.

_"He got a job offer in Atlanta and he took it."_

_"Wow. What's the job?"_

_"Chief of Staff, his dream job."_

_"So we are moving?"_

_"Well, no, not quite."_

_"I don't think I understand, Mami."_

_"He is moving and will visit on his off weeks or weekends. I am staying until you graduate and then I will follow him."_

_"Wow. I can't believe this."_

_"Me either." _She said excitedly.

_"Is that all you called me for?" _I was annoyed with her.

_"No. I want you back here with me."_

_"What about when he comes home?"_

_"We will cross that bridge when we get there, at most you will just spend a few nights at Quinn's."_

_"I think I'm wearing out my welcome there."_

_"Well, there is always Marco's place in West Lima. It is closed up most of the time anyway."_

_"You know what Mami, how about this. You move to Atlanta and I will just move to West Lima, full time."_

_"Alone?"_

_"Alone? Seriously?"_

_"Would you move there?"_

_"You're actually considering it? Ha!"_

_"Well, Marco is your fiancé, it would only make sense for you to take care of your home."_

_"Yea, no...I'm not doing that, Mami. When can I move back in?"_

_"Tonight."_

_"When is he coming back?"_

_"Two weeks."_

_"I'll be in my room."_

* * *

><p>I climbed the steps, suddenly feeling weary.<p>

Had it really only been three days since I had left the Poconos?

Camp just seemed like a lifetime ago!

I shut my door and took off my clothes.

I felt so tired and lonely.

As I stepped out of my pants the baggie fell out.

I stood there and looked at it, contemplating whether I should take a hit or not.

I sat on my bed and continued to stare at it.

_**Hey, moving back home for now. Hopefully I can give you the space you need.-S**_

_**Ok-Q**_

My world will was becoming paper thin.

I was losing people left and right.

What the hell was I supposed to do now?

_**Britt, save me. Please? I was dumb. I'm back home for now.-Ana**_

_**Save u from what? May b Im the 1 who needs 2 b saved-B**_

_**Save me from myself? No sex, I promise. Can you just come hold me?-Ana**_

_**Idk.-B**_

_**Okay. I understand. Im sorry to bother you!-Ana**_

She didn't text back.

* * *

><p>I scooped up the baggie and placed it on my nightstand.<p>

I felt so numb and stupid.

This was all my fault.

I pulled out a tank top and some boxers and then went to take to shower.

As I let the water beat down on my body, I remembered my last shower and how cold and dirty I felt.

I allowed the water to run cold.

I dried my body, got dressed and brushed my teeth, I thought of the visit to the hot dentist with Britt and it made me smile.

My bruises were a sickly shade of yellow but they was fading.

Thankfully.

I couldn't ask for more than that.

My body felt relaxed but the turmoil inside of me was hot and gritty.

I needed to feel safe again.

* * *

><p>For once providence smiled on me.<p>

Britt sat on my bed waiting for me.

I looked at her, face flushed, hair a mess and eyes more swollen than my own.

She had been crying and no doubt it was because of me.

I chanced a glance at the baggie on the nightstand and then back at Britt.

_"I didn't take any more it. I wanted to but I didn't." _I whispered.

_"Good. That's a start."_

_"I'm sorry Britt."_

_"Stop apologizing, it hurts me the more that you do it. No more apologies. Just come to bed."_

She pulled off her jacket and then climbed under my covers.

I turned off the lamp and climbed in with her.

A sense of calm took over my body and I felt myself sink into it.

It was my bed but I felt hesitant in moving.

_"I thought you wanted me to hold you?"_

_"I did. I do…I just don't want to pressure you."_

_"OMG, Ana, do you think I would be here if I didn't agree to hold you?"_

I reached over and set my alarm and then allowed Britt to hold me close to her.

I slept tucked into her body and felt like I was finally home.

* * *

><p>I drove to school early the next day hoping to catch up on my AP homework before classes since I was essentially absent for the first day.<p>

Surprisingly, I had taken amazing notes and even more surprising, I had written down each homework assignment in detail.

I sat in the deserted library and tore through my homework as if my life depended on it.

As I finished my last trigonometry problem the morning bell rang.

I had a free period first thing and since I had finished up my homework I decided to go see Sue.

_"Can I talk to you?"_

_"What is it?"_

_"Like camp. Can I talk to you?"_

_"Come in and shut the door."_

I shut the door and then sat in front of her desk placing my bag at my feet.

I rummaged through the pockets and found what I was looking for.

I placed the velvet baggie on her desk and then looked up at her.

She looked at the baggie and then at me.

_"I spent all day high yesterday after we talked." _I admitted.

_"I know."_

_"Was it that obvious?"_

_"To me, to Q and to Brittany, you were dazed, unresponsive almost like a zombie."_

_"I'm ashamed of myself."_

_"You should be."_

_"Harsh."_

_"If you wanted kind platitudes you would have seen Ginger."_

_"I know."_

_"So why come back to me?"_

_"Because you are the only adult who doesn't walk around me or all over me. I trust you."_

_"So why did you do it?"_

_"To feel like I was in control."_

_"Were you?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"When you were high, do you feel like you controlled anything?"_

_"No."_

_"What about when you were drunk and you slept with those two gabbing football players?"_

_"I don't even remember that and it disgusts me. I was drunk off my ass and I don't remember what I did or who."_

_"Dangerous."_

_"Yea, I should go get checked out, I guess."_

_"So tell me Santana, will you pass the drug test in January?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"Do you think you have a problem?"_

_"No."_

_"So why are you here?"_

_"Because I had nowhere else to go, Q is sick of me, Britt came over last night and held me while I slept but when I woke up this morning she was gone. No note, no nothing."_

_"Who is to blame for all that?"_

_"Me."_

_"Just you?"_

_"Yeah. Just me."_

_"I think you need to reevaluate your priorities."_

_"Or what coach? What if I don't?"_

_"Then that phone call from Columbia that I got this morning about offering you a cheerleading scholarship is a waste."_

_"What?"_

_"Yep, you are a nationally ranked cheerleader Santana, you are about to be inducted to the National Honor Society and you are throwing it away."_

_"I only got that because of Marco."_

_"I beg to differ. Cheerleading has nothing to do with the law department. I called them myself. The Honor Society has nothing to do with Columbia it has to do with you busting your ass for that 4.2 average you have. Marco has nothing to do with any of that."_

_"I don't know what to say."_

_"It is not about what you need to say, it is about what you need to do."_

* * *

><p>I couldn't help the smile on my face as I walked into the choir room that afternoon.<p>

I had most classes with Q but she seemed to be avoiding me so this was my chance to corner her.

Mr. Shue was late once again so I climbed up next Quinn and plopped down beside her.

_"Hey Q."_ She looked at me and when she saw my clear eyes, she smiled.

_"Hey S."_

_"Yesterday was shit. I'm sober now."_ I whispered.

_"Good. It's been less then a day so who knows. Right?"_

Ouch.

_"I got offered a cheerleading scholarship at Columbia."_

_"Really?"_

Quinn couldn't hold back her excitement much more.

_"Yeah."_

Then she remembered that she was upset with me.

_"Don't screw it up."_

My heart dropped.

* * *

><p>Mr. Shue chose that moment to come into the class and no less than ten seconds after that Berry's hand shot in the air.<p>

Even though I expected her outburst it still annoyed me.

_"Yes Rachel."_

Mr. Shue seemed just as annoyed as everyone else.

_"As the glee captain, I would like to just offer up a fun theme for the week."_

_"Oh?"_ Mr. Shue said, seeming surprised.

_"God, please, no more Broadway!"_ Mercedes groaned.

_"More Broadway?"_ that was Kurt.

Rachel pursed her lips and shook her head.

_"No, see I know that for a lot of us this is our last year and after such a crushing loss at Nationals last year I just thought why not express ourselves with one of the most versatile and hurt wrenching genres."_

_"And that would be?"_ Finn asked.

_"Country." _The room got silent but I just smiled at Rachel hoping that no one else noticed.

Mr. Shue clapped his hands together and went to the white board. He scribbled in big bold letters, **"COUNTRY MUSIC WEEK"**

_"I love that idea Rachel, so class how about we pair off and I will give you until next Tuesday to give us a performance."_

* * *

><p>Everyone shuffled off and I sat still. Rachel came over to me and sat down.<p>

_"I couldn't help but hear about your misadventures of late."_

_"And?"_

_"It seems like you and I are suddenly in the same boat. So how about instead of me wooing my lady love you can also woo yours."_

_"You know Berry, that doesn't sound half bad. When do you want to start?"_

_"How about tonight at my place for dinner?"_

_"That sounds an awful lot like a date."_

_"Oh…definitely not, I'm in love with your sister friend over there."_

_"That's what I like to hear."_

_"What about you? You still crazy about that blonde over there?"_

_"Yeah. Forever and a day."_

I didn't expect to like Rachel's house so much or her dads for that matter but honestly being around them gave me hope for what my own future might bring.

I want Britt to love me again and even though I keep screwing it up I know that some day I will get it right and when I finally do, I will do whatever I can to keep a smile on her face.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: I know that the last few chapters have been a bit long so I thought I would give you a break and shorten it up just a little bit._ **


	16. Chapter 16:Bad Angel

**Chapter 16: Bad Angel (Dierks Bently, Miranda Lambert & Jamey Johnson)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I didn't expect to like Rachel's house so much or her dads for that matter but honestly being around them gave me hope for what my own future might bring. <strong>_

_**I want Britt to love me again and I even though I keep screwing it up I know that some day I will get it right and when I finally do, I will do whatever I can to keep a smile on her face.**_

* * *

><p>Rachel and I couldn't settle on a song.<p>

I wanted to sing the song _"You"_ by Chris Young again because it had worked so well at camp but Rachel insisted that it would be like rubbing salt into a open wound.

She suggested the song Wasted by Carrie Underwood instead but I shot it down immediately, I didn't want this to turn into my intervention.

We were both running out of ideas and were holding up the Berry's family dinner at Breadstix.

They all invited me to tag along but I told Rachel that it was just not really a comfortable thing to eat out with other people's families.

So we sat at Rachel's desk on YouTube for almost an hour trying to come up with something.

I racked my brain for some sort of solution.

We were quickly burning out when it suddenly hit me.

_"I got it! How about an anti-serenade?"_

_"That's sounds...interesting. Do enlighten me Santana, how would that work exactly?"_

_"Q, likes bold statements but not necessarily huge declarations of love and B just wants me to be safe, she told me once that I don't love myself as much as she does. I want to prove to her that I love her no matter what stupid shit I do."_

_"So knowing all this helps us how?"_

I couldn't believe that she of all people was rushing me to get to the point but I understand the need to eat Breadstix until you burst, so I continued.

_"You need to publicly break up with Finn and I need to commit to breaking my bad habits."_

_"But Santana, me and Finn...we aren't a couple."_

_"That may be the case to you, however, you still kissed him on a national stage and then slept with him while we were away so no matter how many times you stray he will always remember that romantically stupid day and how you ran to him when Quinn was out of the picture, and he will think that he owns your heart."_

I watched as understanding flashed in her eyes and then her smile lit up and she began to nod her head.

_"In that case, I've got the perfect song!"_

_"Of course you do!"_

* * *

><p>It was only about four when I left Rachel's, not being a Cheerio afforded me a lot of free time, I realized.<p>

As I walked out of her house I got a phone call from Noah asking me to come over as fast as I could, that it absolutely couldn't wait.

I decided to humor him even though I knew that it couldn't be that important, he was obviously just as bored as I was without football.

_"TT! Get in here"_

_"What's the big emergency, NoNo?"_ I said as I dropped onto the sofa. He was pacing like a maniac and shooting me nervous glances every few seconds. _"Well? Oh my God, please don't tell me you knocked someone up, not again!"_

_"I'm in love."_

_"What? Puck! That is NOT an emergency! I recall you saying something similar about that white rhino, Zizes."_

_"Look, this is different. Lauren was a game to me but this is real."_

_"If you say so,"_ I started tapping my foot impatiently, _"Well are you going to keep pacing or are you going to actually tell me about her?"_

_"Her name is Olivia. She is a junior who is practicing to join the track team. She just moved here from Kentucky. She is another Puerto Rican mamacita, like my favorite person." _I rolled my eyes.

"_Ok? Before you go on can I ask, Does she know that you exist?"_

I was enjoying seeing Puck flustered.

_"No, not really. We have AP English together, though and gym."_

_"So how do you know that you're in love with her?"_

_"I don't know how to explain it. She makes me want to grow up. I barely know her and I know that I would give anything for her. Time freezes, I get butterflies."_

_"Maybe you have cancer or something! Look, I was hoping to get home early, so tell me why of all people, you called me over?"_

_"Because you are my best friend, you have a way with the ladies and you are on the track team."_

_"Ugh. Enough. I apparently suck with the ladies, have you seen my girlfriend around? Plus, track doesn't start for another couple weeks."_

_"Exactly, she is training already and despite your smoking, drinking, and recent drugging you are still the best on the team, maybe you can get to know her, maybe invite her to glee."_

_"Why is that everyone's answer to everything? Does she even sing?"_

I stood up walking to the door, I was over this conversation.

_"I guess we will find out."_ He said as he opened the door for me. I growled and headed down the walkway. I turned just before he closed the door and called out, _"You owe me for this, Puckerman, you know I hate to play nice!"_

* * *

><p>I climbed up the steps to my room completely absorbed in thoughts of my duet with Rachel and Noah's sudden infatuation with this new girl.<p>

My day was going well even though I had spent the afternoon annoyed.

So when I opened my bedroom door I didn't expect it to go downhill but then I saw her just sitting there.

B sat waiting for me as if everything between us hadn't changed.

_"Hey."_ She said with a steely determination in her eyes.

_"Hi."_

I was nervous, the past couple days without her sucked and then when I woke up alone, I was certain she was done with me.

_"I texted you"_

I pulled out my phone and she had texted twice.

**_We need to talk-B_**

**_Im coming over-B_**

_"I'm sorry, I went see Noah and I didn't realize I had my ringer off."_

She tried to hide her flinch when I mentioned his name but I saw it.

_"I should go."_

She said abruptly standing, she was avoiding my eyes again.

I reached for her but she pulled away.

_"Don't."_ She said pushing past me, reminding me of myself that day she turned me down.

_"Britt, wait!"_

* * *

><p>My mom called as I cried over my homework and told me she was going out with her church friends and not to wait up for her.<p>

I don't know why she even wanted me here when she wasn't planning on being home much.

At least when I was at Quinn's I had some company.

The sun was still shining bright, it was barely 5, so I knew that Q should be home by now.

**_Q? Are you busy?-S_**

**_Umm...a little-Q_**

**_Ok, never mind then-S_**

**_Its just that B just called and said she was on her way.-Q_**

**_Of course, I understand. TTYL-S_**

I placed my phone on my nightstand and noticed that the baggie still sat there.

I picked it up and shoved it in my pocket.

I still hadn't taken off my jacket or shoes so I walked to my window and pushed it open.

It was a small jump and then I was in my tree house. I hadn't been inside of it in months.

I unlatched the door and stepped inside.

A million memories hitting me all at once.

Including my first kiss with Britt.

And it sucked.

* * *

><p>My dad and Marco built this for me back when I was still in their good graces.<p>

It was lit by a tiny little Princess Jasmine lamp in the corner and had all sorts of sheets and scarves covering the walls.

I called it my Magick Place and the name rang true especially after I made love to Britt for the first time in here.

No one ever came in her except me, Britt and sometimes Q.

I switched on the lamp and then searched around for my cigarettes.

I found them tucked in a corner behind one of the wall coverings and felt like I found fucking buried treasure.

I laid back on the hardwood floor and placed the baggie next to me.

I smoked cigarette after cigarette while staring the bag down.

I lost track of time just laying there.

_"What are you doing?" _I looked up and saw Q on the threshold.

_"Listening to an argument between the angels my shoulders."_

_"Who's winning?"_

_"The one in white."_

_"Is that a euphemism for cocaine?"_

My laughter sounded foreign and harsh to my own ears.

_"It wasn't meant to be. Are you going to come in?"_

_"Yea."_

_"You still angry at me?"_

_"I'm not sure. I will tell you after the angels are done arguing."_ She winked at me and then grabbed one of my cigarettes and quickly lighting it. _"Mmmm...I missed this."_

_"Smoking?"_

I realized she hadn't touched a cigarette since before her pregnancy.

_"No us, bantering back and forth. The Cheerios aren't the same without you. I think I need you around more than I care to admit, San."_

_"You just saw me a couple hours ago."_

_"Yea and then man hands stole you away."_

_"Don't call her that Q."_

_"Hold up, are you defending Rachel Berry."_

_"Yea" _I shrugged,_ "I guess I am. She loves you Quinn."_

_"Coming from you I don't know if I trust that statement. You haven't had the best judgment lately."_

_"Touché. But I have been high and drunk what's your excuse?"_

_"Touché."_

_"So what happened with B?"_

_"I don't think you want to know."_

_"Probably not but you should tell me anyways."_

_"She's out having dinner with Finn."_

I sat up in disbelief.

_"You don't think that they are gonna, you know...fuck do you?"_

_"Who knows for sure, I can't say it wouldn't be poetic justice."_

_"Fuck!"_

_"Maybe it's for class who is she partnered with?"_

_"Me."_

_"There goes my chance to grovel."_ I said echoing what Quinn had said a few months ago.

* * *

><p>Quinn and I had fallen asleep wrapped in each others arms on the floor of my tree house.<p>

Although we were as platonic as could be something in us was drawn to another in our sleep.

Britt has always said that we are two sides of the same coin, that we didn't really let our walls down in front of anyone but each other and so we weren't shy about comforting the other when a wall broke.

See what I mean when I say that B is a genius?

It would all be so simple if me and Quinn could be together but the bond was different, sacred but different.

Quinn's phone went off at some point and she jerked me awake when she answered it.

_"What happened?"_ She mumbled._ "Rachel sweetie slow down! Where are you? I'm on my way, I'm hurrying! I will. Okay, okay! Bye."_

_"What's wrong?"_ I asked wiping the salt out of my eyes as she was rustling around, straightening out her clothes and searching for something.

_"Fuck, I walked here! Shit, San I need a ride."_

_"Anywhere just tell me where?"_

I hated seeing her so distraught.

And right now, I would do anything to make sure that one of us was happy.

Or at least okay.

* * *

><p>I broke traffic laws, I nearly ran into a cop car and got a speeding ticket but I got there.<p>

Quinn had a death grip on my hand as we made our way into the ER looking for Rachel.

We found her sitting in a corner being comforted by Britt and Finn.

Quinn didn't even hesitate, she dropped to her knees in front of Rachel and held her hands.

_"I'm here Rachel, sweetie what happened to your dads?"_

I stood there thinking of the kind gay couple who had invited me into their home earlier that afternoon and gave me dating advice.

I sat across from them and just stared off out the window.

Britt broke the tension and tears with an odd placed comment that I didn't really hear.

When our eyes met, I had the weird feeling where everything disappears.

I looked up at her for the first time and noticed how pretty she looked in a pale purple dress.

She gave me a half smile and then put an arm around Rachel.

The moment that she looked away the spell was broken and I remembered who was sitting next to her.

_"Finn and I were at Breadstix and we saw it all happen. Rachel and her dads were leaving and two big guys followed them outside. Then we heard Rachel scream and we ran outside. The guys were beating up Rachel's dads and calling them really mean names. Finn called the police after trying to fight one if the guys."_

That's when I noticed how roughed up Finn looked.

I felt out of place but I couldn't just leave.

I wanted to know what happened and why.

I wanted Rachel to know that all bullshit aside that I was there for her.

* * *

><p>After awhile the cops eventually came and questioned everyone and then we just sat around staring off thinking about what this meant and how we just couldn't wait to get the hell out of this hick town.<p>

My phone began buzzing I tried to ignoring but it kept going off.

_"Yes?"_

_"Where are you, Santana?"_

_"At the hospital some guys roughed up Rachel's dads really bad."_

_"You need to come home right now."_

_"Mami, I can't just-"_

_"Get here. Now!"_ She growled into the phone.

What had crawled up her ass?

She hung up in my ear.

Something was wrong again.

I leaned down near Quinn and rubbed her back.

_"Rachel, I'm so sorry that this happened. Please give them my best. Call me if you need anything, okay? Q, I have to go."_

_"Why?"_

_"I'm not sure but I better leave now or I'm going to end up back here myself."_

I began to walk away but then I heard Finn mutter,

_"That wasn't funny, Santana"_

I stood there for a moment and then continued to walk away when I heard Quinn reprimand him.

_"She want joking, Finn."_

* * *

><p>I drove the same break neck speed back home, thankfully not running into the cops.<p>

I immediately noticed the problem, my dad's car sat right behind my mother's and there was a black SUV behind them.

Crap.

My house was lit up making me check the time.

11:35 p.m.

Believe it or not, when I was home I had a curfew and I had broken it.

But I had good reason.

That would be enough...right?

I rested my head on the steering wheel and wished that I had kept that baggie in my pocket.

I reached into my glove box but I couldn't even find a cigarette.

I didn't want to see my father, I was still healing from our last encounter.

I was just so fucking frustrated.

_"I never get a fucking break! Dear God please don't let him hit me. I just can't handle this tonight."_

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: This story just keeps running away with itself. More to come.  
><em>**


	17. Chapter 17:Goodmorning, Heartache

**Chapter 17: Goodmorning, Heartache (Billie Holiday)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>"I never get a fucking break! Dear God please don't let him hit me. I just can't handle this tonight."<em>**

* * *

><p>It was nearing midnight when I finally calmed my nerves enough to enter the house.<p>

It was late and I was exhausted.

When I left the house it was dark and desolate but now, all the lights were on and the whole house seemed a buzz with activity.

I heard laughter coming from the kitchen so I started to make my way there until I heard light footsteps coming down the hall and headed straight towards me.

_"Ana!" M_y eldest sister Sandra came rushing towards me and wrapped her arms around me as best she could over her swollen belly.

_"Sandra...wow! This is a crazy surprise how are you?" _

She stepped back and looked at me up and down.

_"Better than you sis"_ She leaned in and whispered, _"Is that a fading black eye?" _I smiled at her and nodded.

_"You know how it goes...I've had it covered but I rushed out of here so fast, I forgot. You know how Papi gets."_

She leaned back with a sadness in her eyes and just like that it was gone, a Lopez trait that seemed to work well when holding up walls.

"_It will be better soon."_

"_I hope so."_

* * *

><p>Sandra looped her arm through mine and led me into the kitchen.<p>

I was shell shocked.

There sat all of my sisters and their husbands.

My mom was at the stove cooking and my dad was having a serious conversation with Marco.

What the hell?

It wasn't even the third day of school, barely Wednesday and here was half my family sitting in the kitchen like it was normal.

This week was just way too crammed with drama

_"What's going on?" _I asked, causing a hush to fall over the room.

One of my sisters stood up beaming.

_"Well hey there, baby sister! We are here for you of course."_

_"Really Ceily, you came all the way from Texas just to see me in the middle of the night? Why?"_

They all looked at me with matching looks of confusion.

* * *

><p><em>"What are you drunk or something?"<em>

Damariz laughed and slapped her husband on the back, laughing to herself.

_"I wish."_ I mumbled, "_Seriously though, what do you mean when you say that you came here for me? Is all this because of the scholarship?"_

_"What_ _scholarship?"_ Sandra asked.

_"Today, I got offered a cheerleading scholarship from Columbia."_

I was distracted and so was everyone else because just about everyone acted like I had just told them about the weather outside.

Sandra, though smiled really wide and gave me a huge thumbs up.

And then Celia came over kissed me on my cheek and whispered in my ear.

_"I am so fucking proud of you!"_

Sandra kissed my other cheek and then squeezed me tightly.

_"So am I." _Before she quickly waddled back to her husband's side.

Everyone went back to their conversations and I just stood there like a dumb ass.

I was thrown for a loop.

I felt like I was being pranked or something.

* * *

><p>Marco came over to me and whispered in my ear,<p>

_"We need to talk and don't forget to play your part."_

I leaned in and kissed his lips and ran my hands through his hair and clasped them behind his neck.

My sisters were all watching me with looks of pride on their faces with the exception of Sandra.

Of all of my sisters, Sandra was the most like me.

We were ten years apart and although we never grew up together, when she was around it was like we had some form of ESP, she was the sister that I could trust.

The one I really loved.

I looked away from her and back up at Marco

_"What's going on my love?"_ He smirked and lightly grabbed my elbow and led me from the room.

* * *

><p>Once we were alone in my father's study his voice turned to ice.<p>

_"What kind of fool do you take me for Ana?"_

He was now towering over me trapping me against the desk.

I was even more confused now then when we were in the kitchen.

"_What the fuck is going on, Marco?"_

I was agitated, I had so many emotions swirling around in me today and this was just the fucking icing on the cake.

_"Damage control, my love, I'm just cleaning up the mess that you made. Plain and simple, you fucked up. You have slept with three guys in the four days since I last saw you. It's a small town Ana. So now you forced me to kill our truce. We are getting married tomorrow morning."_

_"No!"_

I stood there with my hands covering my face while I sobbed into his chest.

Sue was right, my relationship with him was unhealthy.

In a moment of anger I was leaning on him for comfort.

_"You brought this on yourself."_ He whispered into my hair, wrapping his arms around me. _"I will be working from Lima and flying out when I need to be in New York and on those days when I'm gone you will be on lock down, no more parties. You will be getting a job, a legit one, like at a law firm or something. I want to know your whereabouts at all times. Oh and tomorrow you are moving into my house in West Lima."_

_"This can't be the only way, Marco."_ I looked into his eyes pleading but after spending so much time with him this summer I knew from the look in his eyes that he wasn't going to back down. _"Can we at least push it to Saturday?"_

_"No, I have court on Friday and an associate's brunch on Saturday. You remember the brunch don't you?"_ he smirked, _"If you want me to fly you out I can."_ I shook my head.

There was no way I wanted to be around for another one of his brunches, after the first one I managed to stay in bed or be out working.

_"What about school tomorrow?"_

_"We are getting married first thing in the morning, right here in this room and then I will drop you off at school. You will only miss first period. Then I will pick you up at 3 sharp and we will go home for our honeymoon."_

I was so fucking angry and I couldn't show it or I'd be getting married bruised and broken.

I just wanted things to go back to being simple.

I just wanted Britt.

* * *

><p>That night as we lay in bed Marco asked me where I had put the baggie that he gave me.<p>

I told him I had it put away.

He made me get up go get it, even though I was exhausted.

So I had to climb back into the tree house in the middle of the night in my underwear just to go find this thing.

I watched him do a line off my AP French book and then he offered me one.

When I turned it down he raised his hand up, ready to strike me.

That was the last thing that I wanted so I quickly did two lines and then laid back down.

I was immediately awake and felt the need to climb all over Marco.

Which is just what he wanted.

_"There's my girl."_ He muttered. _"Come on and get what you've been missing, bebe."_

* * *

><p>I got up early and got dressed in a black V-neck shirt and jeans and left my hair down.<p>

I wasn't going to sensationalize this wedding.

My sisters (except Sandra) all stood around crying like idiots.

The whole process started at 7 am and was over just 15 minutes later.

Turned out that I would make it to first period after all.

I kissed all my sisters, who would be returning to their respective homes throughout the day and then I headed for the door.

Marco followed close behind me and so I slowed down.

I was headed to my old car when he grabbed my elbow.

_"Your dad gave you your car back. Come on Mrs. Vega, I'll even let you drive."_

I sat in the car and noticed the white powder that sat on the console.

I tried to ignore it but Marco noticed right away.

_"I see that you couldn't even make it out the car without a hit…interesting."_ He leaned over and snorted whatever was there and then sat back with a smile. _"There is just nothing like my morning medicine."_

_"You don't think it's dangerous for you to drive back like that?"_ I asked as we eased out onto the road.

_"Shit, a nagging wife already, it's been like ten minutes, slow it down. Oh and by the way, no more of that pool boy unless it has to do with school work and even then, I don't want you alone with him. Got it?"_

I nodded my head as I tried to fight the anger in my body.

I was gripping my steering wheel tightly and my face felt hot.

This was no way to live.

* * *

><p>I stood just inside the school door as I watched Marco pull away.<p>

My new wedding band made my hand feel even heavier.

I wanted to take it off so badly but I knew that I would forget to put it back on and I would be in a world of trouble.

I headed to my locker trying to make it to first period before the warning bell, I really didn't want to run into anyone.

I thought that I was in the clear as I closed my locker and turned to walk just across the hall to AP Math.

Except, the trouble with having a locker next to your sort of ex girlfriend, is that you are bound to see them more than you like.

Britt and Finn were walking hand in hand in my direction.

They both had on blank faces as they approached me.

I thought they had noticed my ring but then like a speeding train it hit me, they were coming to talk to me about last night.

_"Hey San."_ Britt said with a half smile.

_"Hey B, what's up? How did last night go?"_

_"They caught the guys that did this. Rachel's one dad is coping okay but the other one, they don't know if he is going to make it."_

_"Shit. How's Rachel handling it?"_

_"She uh…she's not good. She is still at the hospital."_

_"Wow. Well thanks for the update, I need to get to class and so do you B, your class is on the other side of the school in like 5 minutes."_

_"Yea, I know. I just wanted to tell you about it since you haven't responded to any text messages. I figured that you just didn't have your phone. "_

_"Um…I actually don't know where I left it. It might be in my car. Thanks."_

* * *

><p>I walked away from them as fast as I could and even though I could feel Britt staring holes into my back I just couldn't allow myself to turn around.<p>

She seemed cozy with Finn and if that is where she was happy, then I was going to be her number one fan.

I wasn't going to let this get to me like it did with Wheels.

I sat in the back of my AP Math bored out of my mind, when Quinn walked in about twenty minutes late and sat beside me.

_"What did I miss?_" She asked with a scratchy voice.

_"My wedding."_ I mumbled under my breath.

I didn't mean to say it but it slipped before I could stop it.

_"What?"_ she said a little too loudly.

The teacher glared and we both apologized.

I showed her the new ring that sat snug against my engagement ring.

"_I got home and all the Lopez sisters were there. Marco found out about Noah, Azimio, and I guess Perkins…I'm still not sure about that one…anyway he decided the way to fix me was to marry me outright. I'm moving to West Lima tonight. Oh and I can't sleep over anymore."_

Quinn looked pale as she sat there staring blankly at her textbook.

_"Fucking, Marco Vega."_ She muttered.

_"That's my husband you're talking about there Fabray."_ I muttered bitterly.

_"Yea, well fuck Marco Vega."_ She said a little louder.

And that's just what I did.

I missed glee because it happens after three and instead I spent the afternoon on my back, bent over furniture, or on countertops.

Marco wanted to christen every room in the house.

After I made dinner he had me blow him for dessert and then we did lines together curled up on the coach watching jeopardy.

This was my fucked up life now and I still couldn't find my phone.

I looked up at my "husband" and ran my hand across his face.

I hated how blow made me act around this man, it made me forget the hatred and only show him love but he loved me this way and so I knew that he would slowly send me spiraling back down to a dark place.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: I know I'm slapping you over the head with angst, just know that Brittana is endgame._ **


	18. Chapter 18:Fix a Heart

**Chapter 18: Fix a Heart (Demi Lovato)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>I hated how blow made me act around this man, it made me forget the hatred and only show him love but he loved me this way and so I knew that he would slowly send me spiraling back down to a dark place.<em>**

* * *

><p>I woke up Thursday morning feeling exhausted and sore, Marco was leaving in a few hours so he wanted to make the most of our first night as a married couple.<p>

I was so excited that he would be gone for a few days.

Luckily enough for me, Sandra was still in town and was going to be spending the weekend with me.

I would be dropping her off at the airport on Sunday and picking Marco up at the same time.

I needed some time with my sister. I missed her more than I had realized.

The end of the day couldn't come fast enough.

**_Hey Q, you awake?-S_**

**_I am now.-Q_**

**_I need a favor.-S_**

**_I figured. U don't normally text me 4am! What do u need?-Q_**

**_I need you to ride with me to Dayton & drop Marco off. Don't want to drive back alone.-S_**

**_When?-Q_**

**_Now.-S_**

**_Fuck! Okay. I'm getting dressed now.-Q_**

**_I owe you one! I will be there in ten minutes.-S_**

**_Fuck! Ok. C ya in 10-Q_**

* * *

><p>Marco loaded his bag into the trunk of the car and then he handed me a velvet baggie.<p>

_"Keep this safe and have fun with it. Did you talk to Lucy, can she ride back with you?"_ I nodded.

_"Yea, we are going to pick her up on the way."_ I mumbled.

_"You're quiet this morning."_

_"Just tired, babe. You wore me out last night and this morning."_

Men are so easy to bait.

His smile went from ear to ear.

I was hoping that if I kept him in a good mood he wouldn't antagonize Quinn.

One of his favorite hobbies.

Quinn stood on the sidewalk in her Cheerios uniform looking half asleep.

She gave us both a short greeting and then proceeded to curl up in the back seat and go back to sleep.

The ride was quiet, I fell asleep halfway through it myself and didn't wake up until Marco parked.

He made it a point to stick his tongue down my throat before leaving for his gate.

Quinn rolled her eyes and pulled me along.

Thankfully.

* * *

><p><em>"I'm so glad he's gone. Fucking Marco."<em> Quinn said as we climbed back into the car.

"_Hey fucking Marco just gave me a thousand in cash for the weekend."_

_"Great that turd can buy me breakfast!"_

We got back to Lima with an hour to spare before school started, so we decided to head over to _We Lime Bistro_ and have breakfast.

"_So are you going to let people know that you're married?"_

_"By people, you either mean the whole glee club or Britt...either way I don't think it will be an easy secret to keep."_

_"Has he hit you?"_

_"No, a few threats but no bruises. However he has pressured me to do other things."_

_"Like coke?"_

I nodded and then went back to moving my food around my plate.

My appetite hadn't been the best.

_"You can't let that happen, San. Tell him that you will get kicked off the track team."_

_"He used to run track, he knows that Coach Sumner is really lenient."_

_"Sorry to break it to you babe but after both you and Puck both getting suspended all the coaches have banded together for drug testing and now Figgins is petitioning the school board to make it mandatory. In the mean time they are voluntary but word is that if you refuse you will get cut from the team."_

_"You're fucking kidding me, right?"_

_"Nope. So either find a way to convince your new husband to cut the bullshit or say goodbye to that letterman jacket."_

_"I think it might just be easier to quit track, Q, you know how Marco is and me making decisions for myself is not high up on his list of priorities."_

_"Then you need to out lawyer him, consider it practice. No good can come of this. Did he leave you with anything?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Where is it?"_

_"In my pocket."_

_"Hand it over."_ She said reaching her hand towards me palm spread open.

_"I can't."_

_"San..."_ There was a warning in her tone but I didn't budge, _"Fine you like ultimatums right? Give it over or I will tell Sandra."_

_"You wouldn't!"_

_"Go ahead and call my bluff."_

_"I can't give this to you Q. I'm way more scared of Marco than I am of you or any of my sisters because at the end of the day I go home to him all alone and nobody can save me from that."_

I knew I sounded defeated and weak but I needed to make her see that this wasn't just fire she was playing with, it was my life.

_"Fine, okay I won't take it. Are you going to use it?"_

_"I don't know. I'm not even craving it or anything so that's good right? I mean do I look like a crackhead?"_

_"Not yet."_

* * *

><p>Breakfast pretty much ended after that comment.<p>

I paid our tab and drove us straight to school.

We parted ways and try as I might I couldn't side step Britt, yet again.

_"Hey Santana."_

I know it's my fucking name but I hate when she uses it, her usage of it always means she has put us back into the _'just friends'_ category or that she is pissed about something I did.

I shoved my hands in my pockets and gripped the baggie in my hand before pulling them out again.

_"Hey B."_ I said enthusiastically while opening my locker and trying to block my face from her.

_"My mom told me last night about your wedding."_

I froze.

There isn't exactly a guide in what to do in these situations.

I rubbed my sweaty palms on my jeans and then turned to look at her.

Her eyes were a bit bloodshot and she looked like she was trying to stop new tears from springing up.

_"Yea, I figured that you would find out before I had the chance to tell you. I'm-"_

_"Yea I know, you're sorry."_

_"I'll understand if you don't want to talk to me ever again."_

_"I wouldn't be standing here talking to you if that was my plan, Santana."_

_"Then what's your plan, Brittany."_ she flinched, she apparently doesn't like that full name shit either.

_"I thought about it all night. I can either kill Marco and kidnap you or I can let Finn make us official."_

_"Wow. So um soon?"_

_"You're one to talk."_

_"I deserved that one. This is all because of me sleeping with those guys, Marco was pissed so he did this."_

_"That was your own damn fault, you never learn, it was still your choice to stand there and say I do"_

_"I had no choice B."_

_"There is always a choice you just always seem to choose the wrong one."_

She turned around and walked away from me.

I stood there staring after her long after she turned the corner.

My walls were crumbling fast.

Once again Marco had anticipated my distress.

He gave me a cure, his medicine.

* * *

><p>I sat anxiously through AP French trying my hardest not to think about Britt or Marco.<p>

As soon as the bell rang, I was the first person out the door, I slammed into a few people as I sprinted to the closest bathroom but Cheerio or not, people still feared me.

I had a free period next so I knew that I could take my time but I just couldn't delay.

I had to do this before I changed my mind.

I went to the farthest stall and closed the door.

I felt my chest contracting and I felt like I was losing it.

I reached into the inside pocket of my bag and pulled out what I needed.

I pulled out one of my text books and placed it on my lap, pulled out a fifty from the money that Marco had given me and I rolled up the bill and took a deep breath.

I was shaking but that didn't stop me as I took my credit card and made four perfect lines, I was starting to lose my nerve.

* * *

><p>I heard people enter the bathroom and one voice stuck out the most, Britt.<p>

She was having a hushed conversation with someone and then I heard Q respond.

Fuck!

If I was going to do this I had to do it quick.

I leaned over and did the first two lines.

The buzz was immediate, the conversation stopped.

They were listening.

I sat stock still and waited.

After a moment they went back to their conversation.

I tried to be quieter when I did the next line, I was about to do the last one when I heard the silence again.

My heart was pounding in my ears.

Fuck it...I did the last line and then grabbed some tissue and wiped my nose.

As quietly as I could I put my things away.

I stood up and lowered my pants.

If they were still out there I needed to make some kind of noise.

So I forced myself to pee.

The bell rang for next period and I heard the door swing open and then close.

I flushed the toilet and then looked under the stall, no feet.

Good.

* * *

><p>Coke makes me paranoid as shit and this was just one of those moments.<p>

I threw my bag over my shoulder and then unlocked the stall, as I stepped out I found myself looking over my shoulder every few seconds.

Shit...I needed to calm myself.

This was the most cocaine that I had ever done away from Marco.

And I was paranoid about it.

My paranoia continued for the rest of the morning until I came down from my high.

Around the beginning of lunch time I was beginning to crash.

Hard.

I needed more but I could take such a big risk like four lines.

I just needed a little bit so I was going to be quick.

I leaned in my locker like I was searching for something, dipped my finger into the bag and then put it to my nose.

I sniffed quick and then fished in my book bag from my wallet and I folded the remainder of the baggie and slipped it to the bottom of my change and then I put my wallet in my purse.

With the way I felt like I was being watched, I couldn't take any chances.

When I popped my head back out, I looked in my mirror was grateful that I did because I had a little of powder on my nose and quickly wiped it clean.

I reapplied my lip gloss and then made my way to lunch.

Starving, I zipped through the lunch line and then found a table in the back.

I didn't want to be fucked with.

* * *

><p>Glee Club is the best part of my day but that is usually at the end of the day after school but today was a lunchtime performance that I hadn't gotten the fucking memo about.<p>

They stood on tables, including mine and then Aretha started belting out lyrics to a song I didn't know.

I turned my attention to my salad and began munching on a carrot when my phone began to ring.

_"Santana?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Can you meet me in the choir room?"_

_"Why?"_

_"Just, please?"_

_"There better be a good reason for this shit!"_

I slammed my phone closed as the song finished and grabbed my bag before heading to the choir room.

I hadn't noticed anyone following me or how quiet it was when I was walking.

When I entered the choir room I hesitated a moment when I saw all of the chairs were all arranged in a circle.

I looked for Finn but I didn't see him, it was deserted.

_"Ass."_ I muttered.

I turned to leave and I saw the whole motherfucking glee club blocking the doorways.

_"What the fuck is this?"_ I was being ambushed.

And when I was about to attempt to pass through them, Britt grabbed my arm.

_"Please Ana. Please just sit and hear us out. Please?"_

I was pissed but I couldn't deny her this after all the shit that I put her through in the last week.

_"Fine."_ I gritted my teeth and then she smiled at me and led me to a seat towards the back of the room.

I sat and looked around me and noticed that Quinn was missing.

_"Where is Q?"_

_"I'm here, I'm here we didn't start yet did we?"_ She said as she cracked the door open.

Everyone was situated but the two seats next to me were left empty. Britt sat directly across from me and wouldn't stop staring.

Quinn opened the door wider and that's when my heart seemed to shatter.

She pulled Sandra into the room and then shut the door.

I called her bluff and I fucking lost.

* * *

><p>My sister looked stoic but kind.<p>

She looked me straight in the eyes as she walked over to me.

I expected anger or sadness but she just sat next to me and pulled my hand into her lap.

Quinn took the seat on my other side of me and then took my free hand.

_"San, I'm glad you stayed. We really want to help you before this gets out of control. I only asked certain people here because your business didn't need to be out there like that, Finn was just a decoy."_

I glanced quickly around and noticed that Finn, Wheels, and Asian fusion weren't there.

The people who were there were the ones I was closest too, Mr. Shue wasn't even there. I looked at Quinn and smiled.

I was grateful for that courtesy.

She was giving me my dignity.

_"Thank you." _Q squeezed my hand and smiled._  
><em>

_"So you don't need to talk or anything just sit here and feel the love okay?"_

I nodded as I was coming down from my high and I was becoming shaky.

Sandra and Quinn both gripped my hands tighter and I felt my shaking slow a little.

Rachel stood up, she hadn't been to school in days but she came just for this, for me.

* * *

><p><em>"Santana, I love you. You are like my anti cheerleader, you keep me grounded and I believe your wit is preparing me for the hecklers on the red carpet."<em>, I smirked holding back my comments, _"So when Quinn called I told her I would come. I decided that I wouldn't sing to you. I'll leave that to Britt. Just know that although they are both at home healing, my dads would be more than willing to let you move in if you so choose. You are in a confusing place, I know it because I live there too, Just know that I'm here always."_

I sat there listening to Mercedes and Kurt both offer similar offers of encouragement.

They were pretty sentiments and all but not really useful to me.

I was feeling increasingly agitated but that was until NoNo cleared his throat.

_"Hey a TT."_ he smiled sweetly.

_"Hi, NoNo."_ I smiled back.

_"You know, I'm down to smoke it up from time to time and I'm all for the legalization of the green. This stuff though babe is bad news. It's going to kill you but first it's going to take you away a little at a time. Each special part of you is going to disappear until there is nothing left and then you will be lost. You are my best friend T, I want you as my best man, I want you as the godmother of my children but you have to stop this. Please? I just want to help anyway that I can, I'm here. Your big brother is here."_

I was shaking from the tears I was trying to hold in.

Quinn rubbed my back and then cleared her throat.

I was already sobbing, so I knew that when she started I would break even more, I was right.

_"San I remember the day we met, you had skinned your knees on the sidewalk outside my house after rollerblading. You were the first non white person that I ever met and I remember that I was fascinated with you. I helped you up, dusted you off and then I asked you if you spoke English. You called me a racist then I pushed you on your ass and you grabbed me as you went down. You were the first person to match me and surpass me in all levels of bitchiness. You are my sister, my partner in crime, and I have always wanted to be just like you. Lately I have been scared. Scared that I'm going to blink and you will be gone. You are already drifting. I heard you in the bathroom earlier snorting and then a little while ago I was right behind you at your locker. You are like a big sister to me and I am afraid that if you are lost I will get lost trying to save you. Every girl needs her big sister and that is why I called yours. I know you're mad about it but I can live with that as long as you get the help that you need."_

* * *

><p>The bell rang for the next period before anyone could continue and so some of the people left but Britt, Rachel and Q stayed behind.<p>

I looked up at B and realized that it was her that I wanted to hear from but she hadn't spoken a word to me, it was then that I realized that more than anything I wanted to hear what she had to say.

_"What you about you B? Do you have anything you want to say to me?"_

She looked up at me and nodded her head.

_"I do, I just don't know if you can handle it."_

_"I can handle anything. I can beat coke. I'm not addicted. It's just a stress release. I'm strong B."_

_"Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?"_

_"You?"_

_"Fine. I can do this then. Rachel can you play for me, that song we discussed earlier?"_

Rachel looked regretful like this was going to kill her but she nodded .

Britt stood in front of me, like I did the day that I sung Songbird to her.

When Rachel began to play I immediately knew the song, Quinn had played it endlessly when it came out. I cried out before she even sang the first line.

* * *

><p><em><strong>It's probably what's best for you<br>I only want the best for you  
>and if I'm not the best<br>then you're stuck**_

**_I tried to sever ties_**  
><strong><em>and I ended up with wounds to bind<em>**  
><strong><em>like you're pouring salt in my cuts<em>**

**_And I just ran out of band aids_**  
><strong><em>I don't even know where to start<em>**  
><strong><em>cause you can bandage the damage<em>**  
><strong><em>you never really can fix a heart<em>**  
><strong><em>Even now I know what's wrong<em>**  
><strong><em>how could I be so sure<em>**  
><strong><em>if you never say what you feel, feel<em>**

**_I must have held you hand so tight_**  
><strong><em>you didn't have the will to fight<em>**  
><strong><em>I guess you needed more time to heal<em>**

**_Baby I just ran out of band aids_**  
><strong><em>I don't even know where to start<em>**  
><strong><em>cause you can bandage the damage<em>**  
><strong><em>you never really can fix a heart<em>**  
><strong><em>ohhh ohhh...<em>**

**_yeah ohhh..yeah_**  
><strong><em>You must be a miracle worker<em>**  
><strong><em>swearing up and down you can fix<em>**  
><strong><em>what's been broken yeah<em>**  
><strong><em>please don't get my hopes up no no<em>**  
><strong><em>baby tell me how could you be so cruel<em>**

**_It's like you're pouring salt on my cuts_**  
><strong><em>Baby I just ran out of band aids<em>**  
><strong><em>I don't even know where to start<em>**  
><strong><em>cause you can bandage the damage<em>**  
><strong><em>you never really can fix a heart<em>**

**_Baby I just ran out of band aids_**  
><strong><em>I don't even know where to start<em>**  
><strong><em>cause you can bandage the damage<em>**  
><strong><em>you never really can fix a heart<em>**  
><strong><em>oh no no no<em>**  
><strong><em>you never really can fix a heart<em>**  
><strong><em>oh no no no<em>**  
><strong><em>you never really can fix a heart<em>**

**_oh hoo ohhh_**  
><strong><em>oh hoo yeah ohhh ohh ho oh oh oh<em>**  
><strong><em>You never really can fix my heart<em>**

* * *

><p>As she finished the song I could see that her whole world was crumbling just as much as mine was.<p>

She leaned down and kissed my forehead.

_"I can't stand by anymore Ana, I can't watch you destroy my favorite person in the whole world. You keep trying to fix things but they don't get better. I want you to get better so I am ending this thing we have for good. I love you always. Please get help."_


	19. Chapter 19:You Pulled Me Through

**Chapter 19: You Pulled Me Through (Jennifer Hudson)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Please get help.<em>**

* * *

><p>The moment that the door closed behind Brittany, my world stood still.<p>

No one moved or said anything.

I was sobbing out loud and kept calling her name every few minutes.

Quinn was brushing my hair back from my face and mumbling things in my ear but I couldn't really hear.

I was too busy breaking apart and I just needed to curl up and cry.

Thankfully my sister saw that and came through for me.

Sandra rubbed my back and then cleared her throat.

_"Come on Ana, I'm taking you home."_

I had lost my ability to speak but I followed her blindly.

Right now I just needed to trust someone else to take control, so I just kept a tight grip on her hand and let her lead me out of the school building and into my car.

She grabbed my keys from my purse and then she began to adjust herself.

Any other day, I would have smiled at just how short my oldest sister was, but this wasn't any other day.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, I saw that Britt's pink dirt bike was parked in front of my car and I cried even harder.

What had I done?

* * *

><p>I lived on the other side of town now but the ride home seemed to happen at lightening speed.<p>

Sandra didn't try to hold an awkward conversation or anything for the whole ride, instead, she just let me cry it out.

We pulled into the driveway and Sandra came around the car and helped me get out.

I should have been helping her, she was the one that was 5 months pregnant.

But I just couldn't get my brain to function.

I wanted more blow, I knew that I needed to stop, I just wanted to finish what I had on me and then I would stop.

It was then that I finally acknowledged to myself that this was getting bad because I started reasoning with myself about why I needed to have the drugs.

When we got into the house Sandra insisted that I change into more comfortable clothes and then come sit with her in the living room.

She was going to order us Japanese take/out.

My favorite, Quinn was usually the only person that would eat Japanese with me, I was glad to see that Sandra liked it too.

My head was full of so much junk and had my sister not been around, I was pretty sure that I would have sunken into a deep and dark depression.

I went into my bedroom and threw my bag and purse onto the bed.

When my wallet fell out of my purse and onto the bed, my hands began to shake.

Before I knew it I was fishing the stuff out of my wallet and holding it in my hand.

There wasn't much left but there was just enough to give me a nice buzz.

* * *

><p>I started thinking of all the ways that I could do it without my sister noticing but then I froze.<p>

This wasn't how I wanted to be.

This wasn't who I was.

_"Sandra!"_ I called out.

_"Yes?"_ She said poking her head into the room.

_"Can you take this please?"_ I said as I turned my head, closed my eyes, and held my hand in her direction. I couldn't watch my own actions. _"This is all I have left and I don't want to be tempted. Please?"_

Sandra reached out, snatched the bag, then promptly went to the bathroom and flushed it.

Thank God that she was here!

She clapped her hands together and then came back to me.

I was knelt down on the floor with my face in my hands crying.

_"Papi is right, I'm such a fuck up!"_

Sandra sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed my hair out of my face.

_"Ay, Niña, Papi is an asshole. All of his kids think so, well except Damariz, she's just an ass kisser."_

I smiled knowing that it was true.

Damariz was the only one out of all of us who followed in his footsteps and became a doctor.

She always took his side.

Bitch.

* * *

><p><em>"Come on up here and talk to me, Ana."<em>

She climbed further onto the bed and rested against the headboard, with a comforting smile on her face.

I dragged myself onto the bed, kicked off my shoes and then laid my head on her lap.

My future nephew didn't kick at all, he just seemed to be listening.

Nosey brat.

I laughed to myself.

I was so annoyed with all this crap.

_"Why can't I escape from all this bullshit, Sandra?"_

_"You can't run away from your problems Ana, they just follow you and get bigger because you made them run and now they have muscles."_ I laughed out loud.

_"That's ridiculous."_

_"What you don't think it's true?"_

_"No, I believe you its just I have never heard that kind of explanation from anyone outside of Brittany. It's ridiculous as in, it's funny. I have to tell Quinn about it. She would love it."_

_"Yea, I'm sure she would."_

_"Thanks for being here, San, I really appreciate it." _

_"Hmm...yea. So…I have some questions. You don't have to answer them because I know that you are like me and you don't like people in your shit but it would be nice if you'd let me in. I mean after all I am your favorite sister."_

_"You got that right. Ask away."_

I was still crying but it was silent now.

_"Are you gay?"_

_"Yes. Total Lesbian."_

_"So why the sex with guys?"_

_"You ever heard of a straight girl who sleeps with girls every once in awhile?"_

_"Yea…they are bisexual, right?"_

_"No, they are straight. Anyway that's what I do. I get all freaked out at being gay so I run to guys. It's just easier in the moment…but after, I feel horrible and just wrong."_

_"Does Papi know?"_

_"No, but Marco does."_

_"Hold up, Marco knows that you're gay but he still married you?"_

_"Yes. He is an asshole who likes to control my life. He just wants to be Papi's son for real and I think that he figures I'm his best way in. He just has this insane hold over me."_

_"Why do you think that is?"_

_"Because of the baby, I'm sure."_

_"What baby? Are you pregnant?"_

_"No, I was before though. Papi never told you?"_

_"Um…I think I would be less shocked right now if he had."_

_"Figures."_

_"What happened?"_

_"Marco raped me when I was 13, I got pregnant tried to hide it, slept with Noah, told Papi about the baby and he beat me until I lost it."_

_"Fuck."_

* * *

><p>I was sobbing again.<p>

Words escaped me, every time I told the story of my miscarriage it was like it was happening all over again.

_"I know."_

_"Wow. Pobrecita. I can't believe you went through all that alone."_

_"I had Quinn."_

_"She was a kid too, you needed me...you needed all of us. I'm sorry that I wasn't here. I'm sorry for your loss."_

_"It was my fault. This is all my fault. Don't feel sorry for me."_

She stopped rubbing my head and leaned closer.

_"Look at me Santana."_ I rolled onto my back and looked into her eyes. She was crying. I had never seen her cry, it physically hurt to see my sister in pain, so I know she must have felt for me. _"Niña, none of this, the baby, the bruises, the forced sex…yea Quinn told me that part…even the drugs, none of it is your fault. You are playing the cards you were dealt, it's not your fault you got a shitty hand. I'm so scared for you. I wish I could take you from all this. I wish I didn't live in New York and I lived closer to you but when you come to Columbia and you need me I'm there, baby and all."_

There were no words left to say.

* * *

><p>I told Sandra everything after she assuaged me of my guilt.<p>

And for the first time, someone in my family was listening to me.

Someone was hearing me.

And when it came to my sobriety, it made all the difference.

Because of Sandra listening, I felt like I had a reason to fight.

A reason to be better.

A reason to live.

She cried with me, got pissed with me and then just as I was about to fall asleep she wrapped her arms tightly around me and she prayed with me.

_"Abba, I know that you've got this under control. I just hope that Santana knows that you got her back and that her friends and I are here with her. Abba, I just ask that you form a bubble around her, help her with this addiction. Help her to see the value in herself that I see. I know there is a plan for her. Help her find it and stay on her path. I know you love her no matter who she loves, because you created her. Thank you for allowing me to be here with her and help me to continue to do so. Amen"_

* * *

><p>I jerked awake at some point during the night, sweating, thirsty and with a migraine.<p>

Sandra was still curled against me and even in her sleep, I felt safe.

My big sister had taken me under her wing and I felt untouchable.

I slid out of bed and went in search of my phone and a huge glass of water.

All the tears had left me and I just felt cleansed.

New.

Good.

* * *

><p>I suddenly knew that I could make it through, that I would stumble and fall outright but that I would be okay.<p>

After a brief search, I finally found my phone by the front door.

Once I got a glass of water, I took some pills and then sat on the couch.

I took a moment and silently thanked God when I had no messages from Marco, I didn't need his brand of drama right now.

Even after all this time, I had just one message in my inbox and it was from B.

_**I love you no matter what happens this year.-B**_

I smiled as I remembered my words to her towards the end of cheer camp.

My heart healed a little bit in that moment, just knowing that Brittany still loved me, it gave me hope that when I got myself together that she would be there waiting with open arms.

Britt and I don't have a sometime kind of thing, we have a timeless love…it transcends all the bullshit and takes on a life of its own.

I would give her space while I figured my shit out because she deserved it.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hey buttface-S<strong>_

_**She lives!-NoNo**_

_**Thanks for that today…I will talk to Olivia on Monday.-S**_

_**No need, Britt did it without me asking. Crazy huh?-NoNo**_

_**Yea, B is good like that. Treat her right NoNo-S**_

_**I will, hey…I love you-NoNo**_

_**Yea, back at you babe! G'night-S**_

_**;) Night! :P-NoNo**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Yo preggers?-San<strong>_

_**Hey, u alright?-Q**_

_**Yea…thanks for today, I am going to keep fighting the good fight.-San**_

_**That's what I like 2 hear. I'm proud of u!-Q**_

_**Church on Sunday?-San**_

_**Really?-Q**_

_**Yea, church, breakfast, airport?-San**_

_**I'm down, love you San!-Q**_

_**Love you too, sis. G'night :)-San**_

_**Sweet dreams, gud nite-Q**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hey, Berry-Santana<strong>_

_**Hello, Santana. Are you alright?-Rachel**_

_**Yea. Are you?-Santana**_

_**Honestly?-Rachel**_

_**Yes, I am really asking.-Santana**_

_**I'm not doing the best at the moment. My father has amnesia and he doesn't remember who he is or who I am or even his husband of 25 years. I haven't told anyone else, yet.-Rachel**_

_**OMG. You have to tell Quinn-Santana**_

_**I don't want to hassle her-Rachel**_

_**If you don't I am going to have to, I am so screwed up that I can't be reliable as a friend but Quinn will be. She is the best person in times of crisis. Please tell her.-Santana**_

_**Okay. I will. Thank you Santana, it's good to hear that you care so much, even right now.-Rachel**_

_**You would do the same for me. I hope it gets better. Call Quinn. G'night-Santana**_

_**I will right now. Good night! : )-Rachel**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sweet dreams B. I love you always. Thanks for being amazing.-Ana<strong>_

I didn't expect hear back from her, I had climbed back in bed and curled myself up with Sandra.

My heart was swollen with all the love that I was feeling.

I was just feeling really thankful.

As I was falling into sleep I heard my phone chime.

_**U r my moon, u r my sun, and when the long day is finally done u are the dreams that cloud my mind, u r the hope that lives inside, and when my life is finally through, I know that I will spend eternity walking side by side with u. Good night.-B**_


	20. Chapter 20:You're Lost, Little Girl

**Chapter 20: You're Lost, Little Girl (The Doors)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>U r my moon, u r my sun, and when the long day is finally done u are the dreams that cloud my mind, u r the hope the that lives inside, and when my life is finally through, I know that I will spend eternity walking side by side with u. Good night.-B<strong>_

* * *

><p><em>"Good morning Ana."<em>

_"Good Morning, Marco."_

I had fallen asleep rereading Britt's message like a zillion times.

I answered the phone without opening my eyes when it rang.

I was pretty wiped out from my day yesterday and I still had an hour before I had to get up for school.

I tried to pretend that the ringing was a part of my dream but it just kept going on and on.

_"You awake over there?"_

I had dozed off but his voice jerked me back awake.

Whatever he wanted couldn't be good.

But was it ever?

_"Yea. I'm up."_

I sat on the edge of the bed so that I could pay attention although I really just wanted to go back to my dreams.

_"Look, my case is going to trial. I can't leave New York right now. Can I trust that you won't get into trouble? I know it's asking a lot of you but I just don't have the energy right now to police you." _

I could hear how tired he was.

Serves him right!

This was a great opportunity to get myself together without his negative influence.

So I pounced.

_"How long will you be gone?"_ I asked, trying not to sound too excited.  
><em><br>"This is going to be a lengthy trial, I need to be on call at anytime and then I need to be around just in case there is an appeal, so a month or so. I can be back in Lima around the first of October, hopefully."_

_"Do you mind if I ask Quinn to stay with me?"  
><em>  
><em>"Yea, yea that's fine. I'm going to wire some money to your bank account. It took some convincing but I finally got Aden to give me your money back."<br>_  
><em>"Really? That's fantastic! Call me when you have time okay. I love you."<br>_  
><em>"Money has always been the way to your heart,"<em> he was laughing, _"Ok Ana I have to go. Be good. Oh and there is more of the good stuff in the bottom of my sock drawer."_

_"Um...thanks."  
><em>  
>I hung up the phone and stared at our dresser.<p>

If I wanted I could go on a bender, I could do whatever I wanted and just that quickly, I found myself torn between reality and oblivion.

* * *

><p><em>"Penny for your thoughts?" <em>

Shit, I forgot that my sister was here.

I whipped around and looked at her feeling guilty.

She was staring back at me as if she could see right through my soul, so I dropped my eyes.

_"That was um...Marco. His case went to trial he won't be home for a month at least."_

_"That's great, so then I can stay longer then?"  
><em>  
><em>"You don't have to do that, San, what about work or Johnny?"<em>

_"I am a housewife remember? Besides, a bonus to having a husband in the NFL is that he is never home. Why do you not want me here?"_

I let out a bitter laugh.

_"I think I need you here more than anything_. _I might get tempted to use again if I'm all by myself._"

_"Okay well, I will stay with you then. You need family and let's face it, I'm the best family that you've got."_

"_I couldn't agree more San."_

"_Good, I'm glad that's settled." _Sandra said, pulling me into a tight hug.

I smiled and then looked down at my phone._  
><em>  
><em>"Can I still ask Quinn to stay?"<br>_  
><em>"It's your house honey. I don't mind her staying if you don't."<br>_  
><em>"Good, I'm going to get ready for school then. How about you and I run over to Papi's before school and pick up my other car so you aren't stranded here? Sound good?"<em>

_"Sounds perfect."_

* * *

><p>Sandra followed me to school after we picked up my other car and she parked next to me.<p>

It was still early and the place was basically deserted.

She waved me over and I climbed in the passenger seat.

_"Everything okay?"_ I asked as I rubbed a hand over her belly.

She smiled and placed her hand on top of mine.

Our eyes met, grey to brown and she smiled softly.

_"Before I go Ana, I just wanted to run something by you, Okay?"_

_"Okay, anything."_

_"I have noticed that you lack decent structure. When I was still an active Marine, I found that routine saved me from fucking up. It's what gives us Lopez's such focus and determination. We thrive in routine and we hate authority unless we are the authority. So I challenge you to be the authority on what Santana needs. But I also know that you won't learn what that really means unless you have structure."_

_"Okay? So what do you suggest?"_

_"I want you home right after school, if you aren't going to be home please call and let me know. We will eat dinner together every night, in or out is your choice. I also want you to focus on training for track and Cheerios, no more alcohol and no more drugs. Got it?"_

* * *

><p>From almost anyone else this would have made me upset but coming from Sandra it just felt like love and concern.<p>

I flashed a genuine smile and nodded.

If anyone understood what I needed it would definitely be the sister that was the most like me.

So I would go along with her plans because I knew that she was doing things in my best interest.

_"You got it San. I have glee after school today and then I will be home afterwards. Thank you for caring so much, hopefully this can help me get back to myself."  
><em>  
>She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek.<br>_  
>"We will get through this together Mamita, one day at a time. I'm going to go food shopping and then drop by to see Papi. I will see you when you get home, yes? I'm making a big dinner so bring your friends, I want to get to know them better."<em>

_"Okay, I will. Thank you Sandra." _

She hugged me tight before I climbed out the car and headed towards the school.

It was going to be a long day but so long as I stayed sober, I figured that it would be alright.

* * *

><p>The last day of my first week back to school was anticlimactic compared to how it had been going when it started and it was a welcome change.<p>

I participated in all of my classes and even felt confident about a test that I took.

All was well and I was actually feeling happy for once.

I was on my way to lunch when I realized that I didn't have my wallet on me so I ended up running back to my locker.

Food had always played a huge roll in my recovery because it was too easy for me not to eat and so I knew that if I was going to stick to the right track, I had to eat.

I was leaning halfway into the cramped space of my locker searching high and low for my wallet, when I felt someone tap me on my shoulder.

When I turned around I came face to face with Quinn.

She looked nervous and kept staring at me like she was expecting something.

And after a moment, I knew just what.

_"What are you doing San?"_

* * *

><p><em>"I can't find my wallet...I probably left it at the house. What did you think I was doing, Q?"<em>

I knew what she thought but I wanted to hear say it.

So I cocked my eyebrow and crossed my arms over my chest.

She cleared her throat and looked at my locker for a moment before looking back at me.

_"You know what I thought, San. After yesterday I'm just on edge. I see that you're fine...I'm sorry."_

_"Yea well, you should be. Shit like this makes me want to do it, just to spite you."_

_"Seriously? Shit, I'm so sorry!"_

She looked guilt stricken

I couldn't contain my laughter as I closed my locker and threw my arm around her, I smiled.

_"I'm just fucking with you Q. But because you obviously have so little faith in me, you can buy me lunch."_

_"I'm sorry, San. You got it."_

_"Yea?"_

"_Yes, you told me you were going to try and I doubted you the first chance I got. I'm so sorry!"_

"_Yea, well prove it by buying a sista lunch. I was so busy crying last night that I didn't eat."_

_"No? What about this morning?"_

_"I had cereal and a banana."_

_"Mmmm...bacon would have been better."_

_"Yeah, I'll pass. I am still boycotting bacon."_

_"Blasphemy!"_

Since Q was buying I bought the most expensive lunch that I could put together and she shot me a glare.

But shrugged and continued to pile the tater tots.

_"What? You really hurt my feelings!"_

_"Yea...I'm so sure."_

I mock pouted as she paid for our food.

Grumbling the entire time.

She stuck her tongue out before she walked off and it was like we were six again.

* * *

><p>We sat at an empty table and then I flagged over Britt and Rachel.<p>

Before I knew it the whole glee club was crammed around me.

Looking for gossip.

And I would give it to them...better from me...right?

_"Look guys, thanks for all of your concern yesterday. I really appreciate it, just try and treat me the same okay. Also, for those of you who don't know, I got married." _

There were actually gasps around the table.

I had already figured that the gossip mill had made its round and so I was surprised that so little of the glee club knew.

People kept looking at Britt to see if it was to her,

_"You all met Marco at my birthday party, he's a lawyer in New York. It's only been a couple of days since the wedding, so there you have it, gossip straight from the source. Anyway I moved to West Lima and right now my sister Sandra is staying with me while Marco is in NYC. She wanted me to invite you for dinner tonight."_

* * *

><p>I didn't wait for any responses I just put my head down and dug into my food.<p>

They all wanted to know more so I knew that they would show up.

I had picked the cheesiest grilled cheese with tomato and I couldn't wait to devour it.

My mouth watered and my stomach was growling.

God I was hungry.

I took a bite and swallowed enjoying the gooey goodness.

Nirvana.

I jumped back when I felt a hand on my arm and saw that it wasn't anyone in glee.

It was Azimio.

_"What do you want?"_ I snapped.

He was leaning into me trying to be quiet as he mumbled in my ear.

_"You should get yourself checked out." _

He did wait for me to ask anything, he just quickly walked away while the sentence bounced around in my head.

I stared off thinking of all the implications of what he just said.

Can I not catch a fucking break?

Quinn nudged my foot and leaned in.

_"What did he just say to you?"_ I looked at her and then I felt my stomach turn. I jumped up quickly and grabbed my bag. I couldn't wait another second. _"San what just happened? Where are you going?"  
><em>  
><em>"I have to go."<em>

* * *

><p>I threw my bag over my shoulder and walked straight out into the parking lot to my car.<p>

How could he just drop that kind of bomb and walk off.

Like seriously?

As I was climbing in to the driver's seat, I heard footsteps running behind me.

Great!

I locked my doors and adjusted my seat.

In that moment, I was thankful for my tinted windows because I was sure that I looked insane as the tears streamed down my face and my whole body shook.

_"Fuck!"_

I screamed out banging my hands on the steering wheel.

Why now?

Fucking Azimio!

* * *

><p>Someone was knocking on my window but I couldn't see them through the tears.<p>

My whole world was blurry.

I had to get myself together.

My hands were shaking as I shoved the key into the ignition.

I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes and then I heard my tires squeal as I quickly put the car in reverse and hit the gas pedal.

Shit!

I had to get the fuck away from this place, these people, and fucking Azimio before I did something stupid.

I stopped at the exit of the parking lot and reached over for my book bag.

My mind was racing, I knew I had something in here that would calm me.

Something legal.

After a moment I found my lighter and two cigarettes.

Thank God.

I put one in my ashtray and put the other to my lips.

The knocking started again but it was more insistent this time.

_"Go. Away!"_ I said.

I took a huge drag as I lit the damn thing, I felt my nerves fray a little bit but the inhaling helped.

* * *

><p>I threw the car in drive and was about to hit the gas when I looked up, there blocking my way was Rachel and Quinn.<p>

Seriously?

I pressed my hand down on the horn and kept it there until Rachel moved but Q knew me better.

Quinn knew that I didn't want to get caught leaving, so she stayed put until I stopped pushing the horn, she was right.

I didn't need any attention from Figgins right now.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I put down my window and leaned out the car.

_"Get the fuck out of my way, Lucy!"_

_"We are coming with you. Just unlock the doors! Don't make me call Sandra!"_

_"Fuck you!"_

_"Then let us come...I mean it wherever you are going we are coming with you or I call Sandra."_

_"Fine, get the fuck in!"_

* * *

><p>I unlocked the doors and actually waited for Quinn and Rachel to get in the car.<p>

My sister didn't need to know about this.

Fuck!

They had barely closed their doors when I pulled off.

_"Shit! Santana slow down." _Q said quickly putting her seat belt on.

_"If you don't like the way I'm driving, then you can get the fuck out, Quinn, because I intend to drive like this the whole way."_

_"Excuse me Santana. If you don't mind me asking, what's the problem?" _Rachel asked.

_"Motherfucking Azimio is my problem!" _I said taking a long drag and cutting a corner.

They both yelped and I shook my head before shifting into the next lane.

_"Please San tell us what he said that has you like this?"_

_"He told me that I should get myself checked out. So that's where I am headed."_


	21. Chapter 21:Because of You

**Chapter 21:Because of You (Kelly Clarkson)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>"He told me that I should get myself checked out. So that's where I am headed."<strong>_

* * *

><p>I got onto the highway and then they began to ask more questions but I couldn't hear them over the crazy thoughts running through my head, so I just said exactly what they wanted to know, no more, no less.<p>

_"Look I can't take this test in Lima alright. Marco will find out and if it's nothing then I will get my ass kicked for nothing. Now please shut the fuck up and let me drive."  
><em>  
>I drove all the way to a town 50 miles out from Lima, a shit town called Parkson.<p>

I didn't think that Marco would know every fucking person in Ohio at least that is what I was hoping for.

I mean who ever heard of Parkson?

Britt and I had gotten lost here once during one of our random road trips.

Never in my life did I imagine that I would be back for this kind of thing.

I hoped that this place could give me the answers that I needed so desperately.

My very safety was on the line.

So, I just needed to know one way or the other.

Too much had happened over the course of a week.

I just couldn't take this pressure today but I had no other choice.

Even though they had invited themselves, I was glad that I had people with me.

Even if I refused to show it.

So much for thinking that my day would be uneventful.

* * *

><p>The woman at the clinic told me that if I waited around I could get my results immediately, so I did just that.<p>

Both Rachel and Q looked uneasy about their surroundings but I didn't give a shit.

_"If you do have something, how are you going to tell Marco?" _Quinn asked trying to make conversation.

_"No frigging clue. I need a cigarette. I'll be right back."_

_"Wait, we can come with you!" _

_"Don't bother!"  
><em>  
>I left them there and walked to the closest store.<p>

Thankfully, they didn't follow, I needed some air and time away from the questions.

I needed something else more but I had no way to get it so I settled for cigarettes.

Cocaine didn't rule my life.

* * *

><p>I found a store a block away from the clinic and went inside.<p>

There was a sign that said that I had to buy the cigarettes at a back counter.

I got three packs and then was headed out when I heard the word **_blow_**.

The sound of the voice was really low but when you have an addiction...or the ghost of one...there are triggers that control your mind.

The word blow...was mine.

I looked into the next aisle and there was a shady looking guy handing something off to a scrawny looking dude.

For a moment, I was tempted to walk over to him but this seemed a bit off since it was happening in plain sight in the daylight hours.

The last thing that I needed was to get arrested or be stuck in Lima like a loser.

My instincts had been right, I was on my way over to him anyway, when I heard the sirens.

I got the hell out of there hoping to God that nobody saw me.

As I was walking across the street, I saw the shady looking guy handcuffing the scrawny guy that he just sold the blow to.

The dealer had been a cop.

Great!

If I hadn't hesitated I would be in the back of that squad car too.

That was too fucking close for comfort.

* * *

><p>I was shaking like a leaf when I walked back into the clinic.<p>

Rachel and Quinn looked up at me but I avoided their eyes.

Of course they probably thought that I was high.

I didn't really blame them.

Quinn stood up and walked over to me, she was trying to see my eyes but I looked away again.

Fuck her...that was not what I needed right now.

The nurse had impeccable timing and saved me from an interrogation.

_"Santana G. Vega?_"

I pushed past Quinn and followed the nurse into the back room.

I knew that Quinn was checking to see if I was high and even though I knew that I wasn't, I didn't want her to see my eyes because of the fear that I knew was there.

Quinn knew me too well for me to get away with an attempt.

She would see that getting high had been my intention even if I didn't go through with it and would give me shit for it.

_"Well, you're lucky, Mrs. Vega, this is very treatable. You have Chlamydia. You should contact your sexual partners. Take this round of antibiotics and in a week you should be good to go. Also you should try to avoid any sexual activity until then."_

* * *

><p>Chlamydia.<p>

What the actual fuck?

I nodded and took the pill bottle from her.

When I checked my phone and saw that it was nearing two, I knew that we could still make it back to school in time for glee club.

We just had to go now.

I rushed past my Rachel and Q and out of the clinic not even checking behind me to see if they followed.

When we got into the car I could see that the cops were still at the store.

Did they notice me?

Shit, we needed to go.

I saw them looking towards my car so I drove the speed limit and kept checking my rear view mirror until we were back on the highway.

We weren't followed...thank the sweet Lord.

_"What happened?" _Quinn asked placing a hand on my leg._  
><em>

_"What? What do you mean?"_

I was anxious, did she know or was I just being fucking paranoid.

They say the effects of cocaine can last long after you are sober again.

Is that what this was?

Shit!

_"God, San are you high? If you are please pull over!"_

* * *

><p><em>"No Quinn I'm not fucking high. Just pissed off, I'm trying to get back before glee starts okay. Just let me drive in peace." <em>I snapped before lighting a fresh cigarette.

_"Fine."_ She said as she lit her own cigarette.

Rachel looked positively green in the back seat but she never said a word.

The car was quiet for a second but Quinn has never been able to just let shit like this go.

So now with a cigarette to calm her down, she took a deep breath and then tried again.

This time with a less accusatory tone.

_"Is it curable at least?"_

_"Yea. It's fucking Chlamydia.__ If I have it, I know that he does.__ Marco is going to fucking skin me alive."_

_"Not good."_

_"You got that right. This is very bad." _

_"Do you know who gave it to you?"_

I shrugged.

_"Has to be Azimio or Perkins...right?"_

_"I guess so."_

We pulled into the school parking lot as the clock rolled over to 3:30, we were only ten minutes late, Mr. Shue probably was just getting to the choir room himself.

I took a deep breath and then turned towards Q.

She looked at me wide eyed but I didn't even smile.

I just kept the car running and then unlocked the doors.

_"Get out."_

They didn't argue.

Well Quinn looked like she wanted to but Rachel pulled her out the car.

I waited for them to get out and then yelled out my window,

_"Dinner is at seven, I have to go."_

I pulled back out the lot and drove around for a while smoking and thinking about how I was going to tell Marco.

Of course...turns out I wouldn't have to.

My phone went off and I ignored it, it went off again and I knew I was in deep shit.

Marco hates it when I ignore him and he knew that school was out.

* * *

><p><em>"Why didn't you answer the first time?"<em>

_"I'm driving this expensive car that didn't want to crash."_

_"I just left the doctor's office... can you guess why?"_

_"Hold on let me pull over."_

I could hear him grumbling but I knew that shit was about to get bad so I took my time getting back on the line.

I lit another cigarette and then got back on the phone.

_"Yea I just got back from the clinic myself, I'm so sorry. That fucker Azimio just told me to get myself checked out. I was about to call you, actually."_

_"You are so lucky that I'm not there right now, Santana."_

Full name always equals deep shit.

_"I know, I am. I'm sorry about this. Did they tell you that it's curable?"_

_"Yes Santana, I know what fucking Chlamydia is! I will see you in tonight."_

I hated when he talked to me like I was an idiot.

_"What about your case? I thought you couldn't leave?"_

_"I don't have court until Monday morning. I am coming to Lima, just to see you my love and deal with this issue in person. I will be back on a plane in the morning. Pick me up at 8. Don't be late!"_

He hung up in my ear and I punched the steering wheel.

I knew what was coming and I was freaking out.

**_Cancel dinner Marco is coming home tonight.-Ana_**

**_What? Why?-Sandra_**

**_Long story. I'm going to text Quinn now so she can let everyone else know. See you in 5.-Ana_**

**_Are you on the way home?-Sandra_**

**_In a minute.-Ana_**

* * *

><p><strong><em>SOS. Dinner is off tell everyone.-S<em>**

**_What happened?-Q_**

**_Did you tell him?-Q_**

**_Marco is coming home to kick my ass and then leaving in the morning. I'm freaking.-S_**

**_Shit, this is NOT good.-Q_**

**_Still at glee told them dinner is off. Please let me know if u need anything.-Q_**

**_A miracle.-S_**

* * *

><p>I pulled back onto the road and drove home.<p>

Despite making it through a half a pack of cigarettes, I was shaking again but worse this time.

My shaking was so bad that it was hard for me to drive properly, thank God I didn't get pulled over.

I needed a hit of something stronger than cigarettes and I was thinking that I might just do one more line.

But luck had left me.

Sandra was waiting for me in the driveway shifting from one foot to the other anxiously, I have never seen her like this before.

She climbed in the car and told me to drive to Breadstix.

We ate in silence and then we sat in the car and I just sat there sobbing my heart out.

"You're going to make yourself sick...breathe."

"He's going to kill me. I'm so scared...please...promise me that you will stay out of his way. If anything were to happen to you or the baby..."

Sandra just sat with me and didn't say anything more.

She knew that there were no more words that could make me feel better right now.

_"If he touches you I will kill him."_

_"Please stay out of it Sandra. I'm going to take whatever punishment he gives me like a woman. I did this. Granted I don't remember it but it obviously happened."_

_"I don't care, I will kill him."_

* * *

><p>We got to the airport just after eight.<p>

Even though we left the restaurant with plenty of time to spare, a fucking tractor-trailer jackknifed in the middle of the highway and so we were backed up for almost an hour.

I knew that being late was going to just increase Marco's ire but this was out of my control.

The moment that I saw Marco the shaking came back and I felt like I was slowly losing control again.

I didn't want him to see me so unwound but he literally promised me that this visit was just so that he could kick my ass.

I waved at him to get his attention.

He didn't have any luggage with him.

Of course not.

When he saw me, he didn't smile or nod he just stared right through me.

When we got in the car, he made me drive while he held a conversation with my sister.

I think he hadn't counted on the fact that I wasn't alone.

But I'm sure he still had a plan.

He was being cordial to Sandra but I knew that he just wanted her not to be around.

But try as he might, he wouldn't get her to leave me.

It would draw suspicion.

He seemed really exhausted and angry with the whole situation which scared me even more.

I kept my eyes on the road though and just tried my best not to piss myself.

When we got back home, Sandra hugged me tight to her chest and then kissed my temple.

"Call for me...if you need me." She whispered.

I nodded and wished her a goodnight.

When Sandra went off to the guest room and shut the door, I lost all hope.

I was at his mercy.

And from the look in his eyes, I knew that it was on.

* * *

><p>Marco grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bedroom.<p>

Once the door was shut he advanced on me immediately.

He grabbed my arms and held me against the wall.

He was holding on tightly but I could tell that he wasn't putting all his strength behind it.

Marco was smart in his abuse, he didn't want to leave any trace of the pain he wanted to cause me.

Sandra was trained to kill with her bare hands and he knew that.

He was being cautious.

Controlled, even.

But Marco has always been a hothead, so I knew that he wouldn't be able to contain himself for much longer.

And I was right.

* * *

><p><em>"So word around town is that you are trying to be sober. That true?"<em>

_"Yes." _I squeaked out.

_"I don't like you sober, you know that."_

_"Marco...please...I can't get high anymore."_

He ignored me.

_"Tell me, Did you use the stuff in my sock drawer yet?" _

I shook my head and looked him straight in the eye.

_"Babe, please, I just don't like what it does to me. I don't like not being in control."_

_"Oh, but I love you more when you aren't in control, can't you tell by now? Hmm?"_

He left me standing against the wall and then went to his sock drawer.

I didn't move, I knew that he was watching me closely the whole time.

Marco knew me well and he didn't trust me.

Sandra was only down the hall...it wouldn't take much for me to run.

But he underestimated my fear.

I wouldn't move.

He was doing everything he could to break me but instead of physically this game was all psychological.

I watched him as he pulled out his supply and made lines on the glass top of the dresser.

My heart sank.

I don't know how many lines there were or what his point was but I knew that my sobriety would be ending tonight, less than 24 hours after it started.

Interventions were useless as long as I was still tied to this man.

* * *

><p>He handed me the rolled up bill as he yanked me across the room.<p>

The cocaine was lined up neatly and I wanted to cry.

But I didn't.

My inner addict was clawing at me as he stood with his hand on my arm.

_"You take every single one. I control you, Santana. Fuck everyone meddling. You belong to me. Now...do it."_ He growled into my ear.

I didn't think anymore as I bent over and took line after line.

He cackled in triumph.

But I was tripping hard and so when I was at six or seven lines, I started to feel jittery.

It was too much.

Too strong.

But he didn't care.

I stumbled backwards clutching my chest.

_"Please...n-n-no more."_ I begged.

My lungs felt like they were going to collapse.

* * *

><p>I sat on the bed and tried to slow down my breaths but they were coming out short and fast.<p>

Was this an overdose?

Marco finished whatever coke was on the dresser and then he pushed me further onto the bed.

I knew what was next and I had no power to stop him.

He was my husband, what was the use in fighting as he and took full advantage of my near catatonic state.

I had no control over my body or my voice since he was clutching his hands around my neck as he rammed into me over and over again.

My mind couldn't focus on the pain of my head slamming into the headboard because I was just trying so hard just to breathe.

I felt like I was dying, like I was slowly losing touch with reality.

And even as I was drowning and he didn't seem to notice.

I should have known what came next but I couldn't think anymore, I had lost too much oxygen and there were popping noises in my head.

So I closed my eyes for a moment and allowed the darkness to take me under but then my eyes wouldn't open back up.

I wondered if this is what NoNo meant when he said I was going to be lost.

And if I was in fact lost, would anyone ever be able to find me?


	22. Chapter 22:Under The Bridge

**Chapter 22: Under The Bridge (Red Hot Chili Peppers)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>And if I was in fact lost, would anyone ever be able to find me?<strong>_

* * *

><p>My skin felt like it was on fire, my head felt like it weighed a thousand pounds and was stuffed with cotton.<p>

How long had I been out?

I opened my eyes and saw nothing but darkness, I heard voices but I couldn't make them out.

And it didn't seem like they noticed me.

I closed my eyes again trying to ignore the pain that was slowly creeping into my consciousness.

This time I allowed the darkness to swallow me whole.

But I was still aware.

I could still hear the voices.

And I didn't like what I heard.

Not for a second.

* * *

><p><em>"What do you mean he left her there to die?! How evil can he be? Why weren't you there?"<em>

_"Cool your jets, there was no noise. He was silent in all of this."_

_"So how did you know to check on her then?"  
><em>  
><em>"I heard footsteps pounding down the steps and then tires screeching. I looked into the driveway and her old car was gone. I went upstairs to see who had left and there she was crumpled on the bed face down."<br>_  
><em>"And you actually carried her?"<br>_  
><em>"Yea, I know I shouldn't have but I had no other choice. She had stopped breathing so I gave her CPR and when I got her to start breathing again, I threw her skinny ass over my shoulder and brought her here. She isn't heavy."<em>

_"Wow! I'm glad you were there to bring her back."_

_"Me too."_

_"So what do the doctors say?"_

_"That she has lost a lot of oxygen to her brain and that they can't really tell what's going on until she wakes up."_

_"Has anyone heard from Marco?"_

_"Well my dad spoke to him. He is back in New York and denies even being here."_

_"But my dad listens to me and he knows that Marco is lying. He just doesn't realize how bad things are."_

_"So they are just treating it as a regular overdose and monitoring her? That's it?"_

_"Yea and because my dad works here they are treating it delicately. Thank God. The people in this town are so small minded and you know how gossip travels. I don't want her last few months here to be any harder than this past few weeks have been."_

_"Try the last few years." _Quinn said in her coldest voice.

And without seeing it, I knew that my sister flinched.

* * *

><p>I listened to my sister and Q going back and forth for a while before I decided to make my presence known.<p>

My voice came out low and crackled.

I barely recognized it.

_"Hey."_ That one word made my throat burn and my head ache ten times more.

_"Hey Ana, I'm so happy that you're awake. Mamita, I was so scared when I thought you were dead! I'm so happy to see your big brown eyes again!"_

Sandra was crying and I had to look away, it was too much to see someone as strong as her breaking down over someone as insignificant as me.

I looked over to the other side of the bed and I saw Q staring at me with tears in her eyes but she wasn't letting them fall.

She smiled at me almost shyly but then when I smiled back a big grin covered her face.

_"Hey San. You gave all of us quite a scare. I have been here everyday to see you and you're getting better."_

_"How…how long have I been here?"_ I squeaked out.

_"About three days, it's Tuesday morning. I'm supposed to be at school but I just couldn't be there because my focus sucked, I was just so worried about you."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Don't be, this isn't your fault. No one blames you." _Quinn said leaning in closer pushing my hair out of my face.

She kissed my face and then caressed my cheek.

I felt peace surround me but I was still full of hurt and anger.

_"My dad probably does." _

I knew that I was being defiant but I knew that it was true.

_"Fuck Papi."_

I could tell that my sister had seen enough of what I had been through.

Because I had been secretive about all my shit with Papi and Marco in the past, it was like a shock now that I have been open and honest.

But of course, honesty comes with a price, my world was falling completely apart.

I tried everyone else's way and now I think its up to me to start doing things my way.

I got myself through the bullshit this long and I managed well so now I needed to do that again just until I got to New York.

Hopefully with Britt by my side.

* * *

><p>Q and Sandra left a little while after I woke up and then the doctors came in.<p>

I had to sit through a psychiatric evaluation and then I was referred to a drug addiction counselor.

They actually thought I tried to kill myself!

Insanity!

I didn't snap at them though, they were doing everything they could to help me.

My neck had healed beautifully, that's how the doctor put it, and I think he was just trying to be nice because of who my father was.

I was in and out of it all night, Q and my sister had promised to come back later on that night but in the mean time I was all alone.

As usual.

When the psychiatrist had come in to see me, she had asked me to write down all the things that troubled me but I really could only think of one thing, Britt.

Silly I know, but I have just been through the ringer and honestly the thing for me that has been missing the most was my best friend.

Before the doctor left I asked her if she could find me some paper and a pen.

She seemed happy that I wanted to write my emotions down.

I am great with quips and witty remarks in the heat of the moment but when it comes to expressing how I feel I always freeze up.

So I set about writing Britt a letter.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Dear Britt Britt,<em>**

**_When I woke up in this stupid hospital gown and surrounded by all these people poking at me I kept thinking about the time that you broke your arm. _**

**_I remember sitting beside your bed and we made a game of the doctors and nurses, we made it our own little soap opera._**

**_Remember that?_**

**_I tried to do that again today but I realized what made the game so fun was you. _**

**_I know that you and I are taking a break from each other right now and that you are dating Finn but I just wanted to let you know that no matter what happens this year, know that I love you so much! _**

**_I wanted us to start off slow again, build our friendship back up and then maybe in the future we can be together._**

**_I am still in the process of pulling myself out of this hole. I am glad that you aren't here right now because I think it would break my heart to allow you to see this broken shell of who I am as a person. _**

**_You should always see me as beautiful and whole._**

**_So it's okay that you aren't here._**

**_I do however request that you please send along your comfy duck pajamas with Q, so that I don't have to wear this gown anymore. My ass is freezing! _**

**_Love Always,_**

**_Ana_**

* * *

><p>Quinn came back by herself that night.<p>

She told me that Sandra was currently at my dad's house fighting with him on my behalf.

I knew that my sister would soon realize just what it is that I had been up against for so long.

Our father was an asshole and he was stubborn.

But if anyone could get through to him, it was her.

I know for a fact that he would never lay a hand on her in anger so she was probably better at fighting battles against him then I was.

I was curled up in bed staring at Q as she stood on the side of my bed and looked nervously at me.

_"Q?"_

_"Yes San? Do you need like water or something?"_

_"No, I need you not to treat me like I am about to break and climb into this bed with me."_

_"Wow, I'm not that easy you know you have to at least take me to dinner first."_ She winked at me before climbing in and spooning my side.

I lifted my arm and wrapped it around her.

Quinn would forever be that source of comfort that I needed.

No matter what.

_"I don't think the diva wonder would like me scooping up her girl. Even if you were mine first."_

_"Ha...don't tell her that. She thinks that I have always belonged to her."_

_"I'll leave her to that delusion. What's happening with you two by the way?"_

_"Rachel and I are complicated. We fight all the time but the arguments are insanely vapid. It's just so screwed up and backwards but I think I might love her."_

_"Whoa...love?"_

_"Yea, do you think it's too soon?"_

_"Nah. I think that it's a good thing, Q. You deserve love."_

* * *

><p><em>"What about you? What do you deserve?"<em>

_"To not feel that scared ever again. I thought I was going to die."_

_"How much did you do that night?"_

_"Six or seven lines at least. I lost count. I just know that I went until I couldn't stand and Marco didn't seem to notice that my lungs were collapsing."_

_"Are you going to be like on some kind of watch or something?"_

_"Nope because I'm not a minor anymore it's up to me how I go from here, so after my body recovers I am free to go. There was nothing to charge me with because there was nothing in my possession and all the coke had absorbed in my system by the time I got here."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah, My dad came by a little while ago and asked that I stay out of trouble and be a good girl. I told him that I would be working on getting better and making him proud. He thinks I'm doing it for him…like always. I just hope that my lungs can recover from this."_

_"So has this like fucked your lungs for good?"_

_"They didn't say, they just said that I should stop smoking. I will try but you know me I can't make any promises. I smoke like a fucking chimney once I get going."_

_"Yea...I know."_

_"I'm just...so tired of all this, Q."_

_"I know, sweetie, I know."_

_"At least Marco isn't here...right?"_

_"Hmmm...right. So where do you stand with Marco."_

_"I'm his wife."_

_"And?"_

_"That's it for me right now Q, I don't feel anything towards him right now it's just a title and a certificate. I just want to get B back."_

_"She's with Finn now…which, can I tell you is kind of gross. Our glee club is quite incestuous, It's getting really gross."_

_"Yes, it is. You know, I can't believe that she is going out with him but then again you and I both slept with him so anything is possible."_

_"Ugh...don't remind me."_

* * *

><p>We talked for a few hours after that but then the nurses came in announcing the end of visiting hours and so I gave the letter to Quinn that I had written for Brittany.<p>

She smiled at it and promised to give it to her immediately.

My heart soared.

I just wish that I could see her face when she reads it.

Her freckles.

Her eyes.

Her laugh.

I missed her so much!

* * *

><p>I need to get back to myself and the best place to start was with the person that made me feel like I was worth something.<p>

Britt.

Peace surrounded me as I drifted back to sleep in the dark room.

I realized that it was the first time that I had been alone for the last little while.

I hadn't really had time to just think without interruption.

At this moment I was stuck between who I am and who I want to be, independent of everyone else.

I mean Britt is a big part of who I want to be but as far as my own mental health, I feel like I have a lot to work through.

Things had gotten really bad with Marco, I can see that now and so could everyone else.

He had crossed a line that I didn't even know was there.

There was just felt this incredibly empty feeling of being alone in the abyss, not knowing right from left or up from down.

I knew that feeling that I had as I thought I was dying is not something that I ever want to experience again.

So, I am going to deal with this my way and I'm going to get back my life.

One way or another.

I just know that I need to take back control of my life, my happiness, and my peace of mind before it's too late.


	23. Chapter 23:Mistake

**Chapter 23: Mistake (Demi Lovato)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I am going to deal with this my way and I'm going to get back my life. <strong>_

_**One way or another. **_

_**I just know that I need to take back control of my life, my happiness, and my peace of mind before its too late.**_

* * *

><p>They kept me at the hospital under<em> "observation"<em> until the end of the week at my father's request.

Even though I had things that I needed to do.

My father had the final say.

He may have had the last word as far as my stay but I wasn't going to just sit around and not doing anything while the world happened around me.

I wouldn't let him get in the way of my plans.

So, I had Quinn withdraw all the money from my bank account which came up to almost nine thousand dollars and then I had her go to her mom and ask her to find me an apartment.

And then Judy the great (as I like to call her when she is drunk and being super superior) began to question Q about whether this meant that I wouldn't be staying over so often.

Which I thought was rude but justified.

Whatever.

So, I told Q to tell her that I planned to stay in my own place as much as possible.

That pleased her.

Which worked in my favor.

Because I knew that getting me out of her house made Judy move faster.

Drunk and negligent as she may be, she had found me a two bedroom apartment close to school in just two days time.

And because I was offering to pay him in cash, the landlord took the money and promised that I could move in as soon as I was able.

Which for me, meant immediately.

* * *

><p>I signed a nine month lease.<p>

Knowing that was all the time that I needed and then I asked Puck and the other guys from glee to move my furniture from my dad's house over to the new place.

Everyone was insanely willing to help.

Thankfully!

I was very clear with them that I didn't want shit from Marco's house and even though Sandra tried to get me to at least take what little stuff I had taken there...I refused.

If I was going to break this vicious cycle of Marco and me then I was going to need a clean break.

Because I didn't plan on ever stepping one foot back in that house.

I even had NoNo drive my car and put it in front of the apartment building.

I hadn't seen the apartment yet but Judy and Q both assured me that it was really nice.

And just like that, without leaving the hospital, I was ready to get started with my life again.

Things were working out and I was going to treat the upcoming week as my do over for the start of school.

Already, I was behind in my studies and that didn't sit right with me.

I was nervous about going back to school but then I found out that Quinn told people who Marco had taken me away on a honey moon which was why I was gone for a week.

Although I thought that it sounded insane she said that people seemed to believe her especially since even Britt had verified it.

**_Britt._**

She amazed me.

When I sent the first letter off with Quinn, Britt didn't hesitate for a moment and because of that, I was now wrapped in the best smelling duck pajamas in the world.

And since then I had written a letter everyday to Brittany and I planned to give them to her when I saw her again.

Just so she knew that I was thinking about her.

* * *

><p>It was a Saturday morning, the sun was shining, the leaves were turning all sorts of beautiful colors and I was sober.<p>

Like stone cold sober.

I had gone a full week without a single drug in my system.

I had even told the doctors that aside from the antibiotics that I didn't want any painkillers.

The pain had been intense but I think that it helped me to build up my resolve to stay clean.

Every ache reminded me of why I needed to do things on my own, fuck what my father or my _husband_ thought.

I was doing this my way.

Judy wasn't kidding when she told me that the apartment complex was close to school, it was right across from McKinley, it was literally behind the school's football field.

I could literally roll out of bed and make it to school in under five minutes.

And I had an almost perfect view of the football field.

I feel like Quinn had something to do with which apartment that I was given because now I could literally see the Cheerios and the track team when practice was going on.

She was trying to encourage me.

And it was working.

I smiled as we pulled up and I could hear Sue on her bullhorn instructing the Saturday morning Cheerios practice.

Even though I was off the team, I was still going to wake up to the sound of that bullhorn.

I shook my head in amusement.

There was no escaping, Sue.

* * *

><p>Sandra held my hand as she led me into the apartment.<p>

I almost broke down in tears when I saw that this was all mine and no one else's.

My sister had bought me some furniture for the dining room and the living room.

She told me that she thought that I should keep this place for when I came back on breaks so that's when she broke it to me that her husband had planned to pay my rent on this place until I was projected to graduate from college, in four and a half years time.

I fell to my knees and cried.

I had such a feeling of gratitude and relief that I didn't have to go back crawling to Marco at any point.

This was my place.

Aside from my tree house, I have never had anything that was truly mine.

It felt amazing.

* * *

><p>Sandra opened a window as I lay on the comfy sofa and flipped to the TV channels.<p>

I could still hear Sue and it made my heart swell up.

I was going to get back on the Cheerios, at some point, hopefully.

_"Hey daydreamer, get up and come talk to me. I think I have a good idea on how you can make it through this school year."_

I pulled myself off the sofa and walked the ten feet to the dinning room and plopped down on a chair.

Sandra had a huge poster board and some markers sitting on the table.

_"What's all this?"_

_"This is where I want you to write down your goals for the school year. We are going to go month by month until graduation. I am not going to always be here unfortunately and so of course that means that you are going to have to help yourself."_

_"Um…okay?"_

_"And this will help you."_

_"How?"_

_"We will worry about that later, right now I am going to make us some lunch and I want you to start with September even though we are halfway through and write down a goal for each month. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Good."_

* * *

><p>It was a challenge to start but once I started it was easier than I thought.<p>

**SEPTEMBER- VARSITY TRACK TEAM**

**OCTOBER- KICK ASS ON MY SATs**

**NOVEMBER- PERFORM WITH THE GLEE CLUB AT SECTIONALS**

**DECEMBER- GET STRAIGHT As IN ALL MY CLASSES**

**JANUARY-****CHEERIOS!**

**FEBRUARY- GET BRITT BACK**

**MARCH-SPEND SPRING BREAK IN NEW YORK WITH SANDRA AND MY NEW NEPHEW**

**APRIL-KICK AS AT REGIONALS**

**MAY-START GETTING READY TO MOVE TO NEW YORK**

**JUNE-GRADUATE AT THE TOP OF MY CLASS AND WIN NATIONALS FOR CHEERIOS AND GLEE!**

Writing the list of goals really helped me figure out what it was that I could look forward to.

I never mentioned Marco or anything that had to do with him.

I knew that I was going to Columbia at this point and I knew that when I went I would be going because of me and not him.

I would be proud of myself and all that I had accomplished this year.

Despite all my turmoil.

Sandra and I went down the list goal by goal and I explained to her how I planned to accomplish each goal and we even talked about how I was going to treat myself to something nice after each thing was complete.

We were going to hang it in my closest so that it was a private thing and so that if Britt was over she didn't see that I planned to dedicate a whole month to winning her back.

* * *

><p>After lunch, Sandra decided that she was going to take a nap in what she called <em>her room<em>.

I was happy that she trusted that I would be okay on my own without her hovering over my shoulder.

I felt trusted and I wasn't going to break that trust.

But I was a bit tired of being indoors, so I left her a note and told her that I was going to go for a drive and maybe stop by McKinley.

I changed into some comfy sweats and then made my way out the door.

As I stepped in front of my building I saw that practice was ending and so I decided to run over and talk to Sue before I drove off anywhere.

This was as good a time as any.

_"Lopez. Back from the dead, I see. Still sober?"_

_"Yes coach. Hopefully for good."_

_"Good to hear."_

_"So what can I do for you?"_

_"I know that I have until January to be back on the team but I was wondering if you would let me be your team manager."_

_"What makes you think that you deserve that honor?"_

_"Because I love this team as much as you do and I will do anything to win, that hasn't changed. I will wash the uniforms by hand if I have to. I just want to be apart of the team anyway that I can. The Cheerios are apart of who I am. I know that I am not ready yet to be where I once was but I think this opportunity would help me to be able to get there again."_

_"Alright, you made your case, do you have track suit?"_

* * *

><p>I headed back to my car feeling like I had just proven something big to myself.<p>

From now until January, I would literally be walking around looking like a mini Sue.

I don't know how much Mr. Shue is going to like that but really I don't care.

Sue issued me five all black track suits that I was going to be required to wear each day until I was ready to try out again.

Of course I already had a couple of McKinley track suits since I actually used them, but these were really much nicer.

I was walking back to my car when I heard footsteps behind me.

_"So, do you like your new place Ana?"_

_"Oh, yea B…it's perfect." _

My heart was thudding really hard but I tried to play it off.

Hearing her voice directed at me and it was back to being sweet made my soul ache.

I leaned against my car and looked at my best friend as she stared at me with those gorgeous eyes.

I wondered if this was where we would start to work on our relationship again.

I smiled at her and reached out for her hand.

_"I missed you."_

_"I missed you too." _She smiled.

_"How are things with Finn?"_ She grimaced and squeezed my hand tighter.

_"I dumped him last night. He has an unhealthy obsession with Rachel. I couldn't take it anymore."_

_"He better get the hell over it!"_ Quinn said as she walked up and stood next to Britt.

I chuckled to myself and smiled at Quinn.

_"Be easy on him, how would you feel if your two exes were doing the dirty?"_ she scowled at me.

_"I had a taste of that this summer."_ I wrinkled my face in disgust, this glee club really was too incestuous.

I realized in that moment that somehow we were all interconnected sexually.

It made me gag.

I told my friends about it and we all gagged together.

It really was gross.

We ended up all laughing and counting up who we had slept with in glee club, I came away the winner with six people, Britt followed me with five, and preggers ended up with four.

We were so grossed out that we ended up just standing there laughing about it.

* * *

><p>After a while, they noticed me dazing off and simultaneously wrapped their arms around me in a big hug.<p>

_"We missed you so much S. Britt and I have been holding down the Cheerios as best we can but without you it has been hell. Is that what you talked to Sue about?"_

I held out my track suits and pointed to the bullhorn pin that was on the collar.

_"Say hello to your new Cheerios manager."_

They both squealed.

Here we were again, the Unholy Trinity, all seemed to be right with the world, order had been restored.

I smiled up at them and then I said.

_"And as your new manager, I say we go wake up my sister and then head out to Breadstix to celebrate!"_

_"Yes please!"_ Britt said bouncing up and down.

_"Great! They have this new bacon crusted chicken parmesan. Ugh! I have been so excited to try it!"_

_"Gross." _I said before punching her arm.

She stuck her tongue out and I let out a huge laugh.

And it felt amazing.

* * *

><p>We headed upstairs and found my sister curled up on the couch with a small tub of ice cream watching some chick flick and laughing hysterically with tears in her eyes.<p>

Quinn turned to me and then looked back at Sandra.

_"You know S, I think your sister had the better idea. How about we get take out and break in your new apartment?"_

_"Sounds like a plan." I said suddenly feeling exhausted. _

_I had to get my stamina back up. _

We lay out on the living room floor for the rest of the night watching horrible chick flicks and eating takeout until we thought we would burst.

It was a great way to come home.

Sitting there with these ladies, I realized that there was no other place that I would rather be.

I was finally comfortable with myself.

Marco had screwed up royally and I was reaping the benefits.

Unfortunately, however, I am a realist.

I knew that peace doesn't last like it should and underneath all the new found happiness I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.


	24. Chapter 24:Breathe

**Chapter 24: Breathe (Anberlin)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Unfortunately, however, I am a realist. <strong>_

_**I knew that peace doesn't last like it should and underneath all the new found happiness I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.**_

* * *

><p>It felt good to feel the clay beneath my feet again.<p>

It was early morning, barely after sunrise, when I had put on one of my track suits and went for a run.

My body craved movement.

After being left to my own devices for most of my childhood, I had developed fear of being still for too long.

I walked over to the school stadium and literally hit the ground running.

It was actually my older sister Celia that had started me out with running and it had stuck with me.

When I was 14, I had hit a deep depression after my miscarriage and with Marco running my life from hundreds of miles away in New York, I had hit bottom.

I felt reckless.

When my parents were away, I would leave the house and go joy riding in their cars, I was smoking and drinking.

And I was having a lot of sex.

My dad had stopped speaking to me unless he needed something and my mom had thrown herself completely into church duties.

They couldn't fix me so they just didn't talk about it.

When my wild behavior didn't get their attention, I took a new approach.

I had taken to starving myself and sleeping all day instead of going to school.

My sisters all have very strong personalities, a trait that we all inherited from our father.

Sandra and I have the strongest personalities and tempers and right behind us is my sister Celia.

So at that age, when I thought I had the world figured out, the only people capable of bringing me back from the brink of insanity...were my sisters.

Even if they didn't know it.

* * *

><p>At the time of my aching depression hit its peak, it was summertime, Sandra was in Afghanistan and Quinn was off at church camp.<p>

Celia was training to run the half marathon in Chicago at the time and for some reason she decided to come stay with us for the summer.

At first she left me alone but the moment that she realized that I was in bed all day she got me out running with her.

For her it had just been something to keep my busy but it actually probably saved my life.

I am insanely grateful to my sister for introducing me to something that is so cleansing and gratifying.

Something healthy to be obsessed with.

Running is something that you can only get better at and the results of it are almost immediate as long as you stick with it..

Marco is always telling me how alike he and I are.

We both have lettered in track, we were both state champions in debate and we had aspirations to go work in Congress someday.

If I was straight and Marco wasn't so screwed up, we would probably make an insane power couple but we are just so toxic together.

I had run about three miles when I started to feel winded and achy.

Which is highly unusual.

I can usually run ten miles easy and not really feel winded.

I had a long way to go if I wanted to get back to where I needed to be, because in just two short weeks, tryouts started.

I was going to try my very best, one thing's for sure, I had to become addicted to healthier things.

* * *

><p>Coach Sylvester had been upfront with my track coach and told him what I went through with the drugs.<p>

When she told me what she had done, I had expected to get suspended from the team immediately,

But I was surprised when Coach Sumner called me up early Sunday morning and asked me to meet him and Sue down at the track.

The moment I got there he hit the stop clock and told me to run until I couldn't run anymore.

At just under three miles when my lungs felt like they wanted to cave in, I had to stop.

I stood off to the side of the track and felt the tears burning my eyes as I gasped for air.

This was not acceptable.

I sat on the ground and tried to regain my composure and not cry like a loser.

I was so embarrassed.

_"Santana, this is not good."_ Coach Sumner said as he took a knee next to me. _"That took way longer than a first time JV runner and for you that is saying something. You have always been my fastest runner. You've exceeded over half of the school records and were on your way to breaking at least three state records when I last __saw __you in April. I'm not going to lie to you, at this rate I don't see you walking back onto the team. I suggest you get out to this track at least twice a day for the next two weeks and maybe go see a pulmonologist and see what you can do about your lung capacity. This is something that won't just affect you in track, your cheerleading career is on the line as well. Think long and hard about your priorities. I hope that I don't see you run like this again."_

_"I'm sorry coach."_

_"You should be and I'm not just talking about the drugs, I know about you smoking and drinking too. I hope you get your act together because if you don't you stand a chance to lose it all."_

He left me sitting there feeling defeated.

When the nicest, fairest coach at school tells you something like that, it's a shock to the system.

Oh how quickly, I had spiraled.

* * *

><p>I wasn't going to cry or beat myself up about this, I was just going to work my ass off and get better.<p>

Track was really important to me, more so than even the Cheerios...I couldn't lose it.

I pulled out my phone and unlocked my screen.

Hoping to find some encouragement.

_**Hey, what are you doing?-San**_

_**I was just laying here trying to figure that out...skipping church.-Q**_

_**Wow. Well, I'm at the school track right now and things aren't going so good. Wanna join?-San**_

_**Should I be worried?-Q**_

_**Not sure.-San**_

_**I'm on my way.-Q**_

_**OK.-San**_

* * *

><p>I zipped my phone back into my pocket plugged my headphones in my ears.<p>

My body needed to cooperate with me.

So I took an extra moment to stretch and then began to run again.

I tried to push myself and get my breathing under control but it hurt so bad.

I kept going, trying my best to run through the pain and exhaustion.

I was trying to make it to my second wind.

But it wouldn't come.

Quinn easily caught up to my slow stride and was even a step in front of me.

_"I think you should stop San, you look like you are about to pass out."_

_"I can't!" _I pushed out as I tried to out run her.

Stupid move.

She saw the challenge and so she ran beside me for a moment and then within seconds she was taking off past me.

Quinn was like a fucking gazelle.

Her sprints were effortless.

I tried pushing myself to where she was but my body was betraying me.

I tried to call out to her but I didn't have enough breath.

When I felt the world start to spin, I stopped running and stood hunched over balancing myself with my hands on my knees.

Before I knew it Quinn was coming up behind me.

* * *

><p><em>"Are you ready to stop now?"<em> Quinn asked with no sarcasm in her voice just a whole lot of concern.

_"I have no choice."_

_"You don't look so good San, maybe it's just too soon for you to be out here running like the last few months never happened."_

_"I'm trying to erase them Q."_

_"You can't ignore your problems or the things that have happened, the best that you can do is just to move past it all, trust me that's how I look at everyday, shit happened San but to think that you can go back to running like you used to is just crazy. You had a collapsed lung a week ago, San. You almost died."_

I began coughing really hard, my chest was closing up on me.

I knew in that moment that Quinn was right and my over exertion just a week after overdosing was insane.

I reached out to Q but I couldn't lift my arm.

She was looking at me hard and trying to make a decision.

The world was still spinning and so I tried blink it back.

She saw that I couldn't properly move my limbs and looked settled in whatever decision she had just made.

_"Goodness, San I'm taking you back to the hospital. Your lips are turning blue...you're scaring me. This isn't good."_

Q somehow managed to get me up and basically dragged me all the way back to my car.

She strapped me into the back seat and then ran upstairs.

A minute or so later I was still trying regain my strength and my breath but it was only getting harder.

Q and Sandra came out to the car and climbed in.

Sandra sat with me in the back seat and wrapped her arm around me.

_"Come on Ana, 1 in and 2 out, 1 in and 2 out."_

She was trying to coach me through breathing but I couldn't get my lungs to cooperate.

I was close blacking out.

* * *

><p>When we got to the hospital, my father was the attending on duty.<p>

It was his last week at Lima County Hospital and he had seen me here twice already within days of each other.

When he saw how my breathing was almost non-existent he became my father again and started ordering people around.

He couldn't treat me himself but that didn't stop him from standing outside the room and directing.

I wondered if this was how he was when I had been brought in a week ago.

I gagged as they forced a breathing tube down my throat.

I was put on a respirator and was admitted into a room once again.

I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop and here it was dropping right onto my chest.

Maybe I should try to be more optimistic, it seemed to work for Brittany.

I went through a battery of tests before the doctors left me.

My dad didn't waste a second of my being alone, he came right into the room the moment the doctors left and sat by my side.

Looking...remorseful?

* * *

><p><em>"What has become of you Santana?"<em>

I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head I didn't really have much energy to talk.

I just laid back on the pillows and looked at the pain that was written all over his features.

_"I thought if I was hard on you and pushed this thing with Marco we could move past all the bad blood between us since you lost…since your…"_

He couldn't say the words.

He couldn't get past the word baby or miscarriage.

Even if he caused it.

_"Mi'ja, I love you so much and now that I am moving to Atlanta, I am worried that leaving you behind, may not be the best thing to do. Should I convince Marco to come back."_

He must have seen the fear in my eyes because he nodded his head.

_"I want to be better to you, Ana. I want to show you the love that you deserve. I am going to try harder."_

When my father left the room, I just sat there staring off trying to process what had just happened.

A part of me felt like I was hallucinating from lack of oxygen.

I had been told to get some rest and let my lungs recover again.

I didn't find it hard to follow that advice since my body was incredibly exhausted.

As I was drifting off to sleep I felt my chest finally relax and for the first time in a long time, I could finally push out a full breath.

Something in me had finally healed.

For every one thing that was breaking around me, slowly but surely some old scar tissue was being wiped away, and I was healing.


	25. Chapter 25:Storm

**Chapter 25:Storm (Lifehouse)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>For every one thing that was breaking around me, slowly but surely some old scar tissue was being wiped away, and I was healing.<strong>_

* * *

><p>Waking up in the hospital Monday morning was not something that made me very happy but it was something that I had to accept at this point.<p>

One of the first things that I did as the sun began to shine in the window was to call Sue and talk to her about what had happened.

I expected her to insult me or make me feel like I deserved what I was going through but she was mainly supportive.

She told me that she would talk to all of my teachers and get my homework and if I had any tests that she would administer them at a later date, if necessary.

She told them that there was no way that she was going to let me lose out on amazing grades after I had worked so hard to get my grade point average to where it was at.

I was so grateful for the ally that Sue had turned out to be.

She may have not been the nicest person but she was definitely one of the most supportive.

Which was just what I needed in my life!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hey S, how are you today?-Q<strong>_

_**I'm ok, I have the beginning stages of pneumonia. My dad suggested I stay for awhile longer.-San**_

_**So he can watch over you?-Q**_

_**I think he is trying to help me get clean in his own little way, plus the doctors are scared of him so he can get away with bossing them around. He's trying I guess.-San**_

_**Nice of him?-Q**_

_**Yea, it is. Are you still coming by Fabray, I want to cuddle, please?-San**_

_**Maybe after practice tonight, the 1st game is in two days…you know how Sue gets.-Q**_

_**Wish I was there. :(-San**_

_**But you are getting better there right?-Q**_

_**Yea…hopefully! Doctors just came in for more tests. TTYL-San**_

_**Love you!-Q**_

_**Sap!-S**_

* * *

><p>I was beyond bored just sitting in the hospital with nothing much to do.<p>

I called my dad just because I could do that now, what with him trying to reach out to me.

I realized more and more that I just missed him even though his fist talked to me more then he did.

My good memories still outweighed the bad ones for some reason.

I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder and he hadn't even left town yet.

_"Good Morning sweetheart, how are you today?"_

_"I'm good Papi, do you think, you could come down here and sit with me for a little while. I'm lonely."_

_"Yes. Let me close out this conference call that I'm supposed to be on…shhhh, our secret…then I will come downstairs."_

_"Our secret. See you soon."_

In the past I would have thought that my father would have basically blown me off and shown up hours later but this time around he was true to his word.

About five minutes had gone by and here he was standing in his white coat, glasses perched on his nose.

He looked at the machines that surrounded me and then he used his stethoscope to check my breathing.

He nodded and then jotted some things down on my chart.

_"Papi you know you're not supposed to be treating me, right?"_

_"I am just helping out, I didn't operate on you or anything! Sheesh...what happened to my little rule breaker?" _he laughed as he dropped down on the chair beside me._ "So what's up mi hija?"_

_"I wanted to talk to you about Marco."_

_"Oh…touchy subject…don't you think? Are we ready for that?"_

His sense of humor was keeping me from exploding.

A sense of humor that I had rarely seen directed at me.

It meant that he was trying and that meant the world to me.

_"Yes, I know...but I needed to talk to you while you and I are on good terms. I feel like you and I can never mend this break between us until we discuss him. Please?"_

_"Okay. Is this about the drugs?"_

_"Yes and no."_

_"Okay. I'm all ears. Hit me with your best shot."_

_"I don't love him Papi, I don't think I ever will."_

_"I know, you've said that before but I just could never understand why."_

_"Remember when I got pregnant?"_

_"How could I forget? I caused you a lot of pain. Accused you of lying."_

_"I forgave you a long time ago. Its just that... I got pregnant because he raped me, Papi. I know I denied it after telling you the first time...but it happened. Then this past summer he beat me almost everyday and he made me perform sexual favors for his colleagues. I would be insane to love him after all the pain he has inflicted on me mentally, physically, and emotionally."_

My father clenched his jaw and looked at me with hurt eyes.

It hurt me to see him like this especially since he had seemed like he was in such a good mood when he had walked in but I just felt like it was now or never.

It is never easy to tell your parents that they screwed up and I hope my children never have to tell me that because I could see by the look in his eyes that it pained him to hear these things but it pained me double to hold them in.

* * *

><p><em>"And the drugs?"<em> His voice was hard and raspy, yet another trait that I inherited.

I could tell he was boiling over with rage but I knew that it was directed at Marco and not at me for once.

_"He liked me that way, high. He says that I am more malleable, more like the woman that he wants as a wife. Like his personal whore. I was becoming addicted to the coke but Quinn and Sandra helped me before I got too far and then…"_

_"What there's more?"_

_"Yes...Papi, I was stupid, I got drunk and had sex and don't remember it. I got Chlamydia and gave it to him. He flew in and he forced me to do the lines and then he basically raped me again. I am so sorry Papi!"_

I was crying into my hands, I was ashamed but I felt relieved at the same time.

I peaked at him through my fingers and I could see his head bent low and his body shaking.

He raised his eyes to me, they were bloodshot and sad.

He seemed to be holding in so many questions but he knew that there were only certain ones that would give him the answers that he needed.

_"What about the money?"_

I took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eyes, remembering the last time he and I had discussed this issue.

I had walked around with a bruise the size of his fist covering my face for a week.

He deserved the answer to this question as much as I needed to give it to him.

He was searching my face and I left my expression open.

This was not the time to build any walls, I had to be 100% truthful.

I had to get through all the pain of the last three months.

God has it only been three months?

Shit!

I shook my head to regain my focus and answered him the best way that I could

_"Marco never offered me a corporate job. I worked as an escort and stripped at private parties because he forced me to. I spent each night high and drunk. I made on average $500 to $3000 a night. Marco kept half of everything I earned...probably more than that. I hated myself for it but when I worked he didn't hit me and the sexual favors stopped. He forbid me to talk to you or anyone about it."_

_"I'm sorry, I did this to you. I forced him on you time and time again. You had finally b__een rid of him and I went searching for him right before your birthday. I thought it would be a great surprise now that you were both of legal age. I have failed you."_

_"You didn't know Papi."_

_"It's my job to know these things, Santana. I have been a father for more than half my life and I have failed all of you in some way but you, I have failed the most. Lo siento, querida bebe!"_

_"I forgive you."_

My dad held me close to him after I told him everything.

He looked at me differently but it seemed like it was in a different way, a better way.

The only thing that I didn't talk to him about was being gay…I thought I would cross that bridge a little later.

I dealt with what was most pressing to me, I also knew that by telling my father about all the abuse that I had suffered through the years that he would do his best to keep Marco away from me.

And at the end of the day that mattered to me more than anything.

* * *

><p>I stayed at the hospital for two more days with constant treatments and tests to observe my lung function.<p>

I was given specific instructions and a list of things that I was explicitly not to do.

Most of the things on the list were things that I enjoyed like smoking, drinking, running, dancing, and sex.

I had to refrain from everything on the list for one month and continue outpatient therapy.

My dad was really hard on his staff and wanted to make sure that when he left I was in capable hands.

He appointed Dr. Malek Jindahl as my primary physician and gave me his personal number so that I could call him anytime and he would answer.

It was nice to have my own doctor to call even if it was a little weird.

But of course, Dr. J insisted that it was fine with him.

He idolized my father and so I trusted him.

* * *

><p>My parents closed up the house and moved from Lima almost overnight.<p>

My mom had wanted to sell the house but my father refused.

He said that it was my inheritance and that he would never sell it.

I was happy that he had taken that stand because I didn't want to move my tree house and I didn't want anyone else to have it either.

The week after they left I walked through the house taking things that they had left behind like their flat screen TV, pictures, and money that I had stashed in various places.

It was almost haunting that the house really seemed no different than the lonely days I spent there as a child.

All the kids at school thought I was so cool because I had that big house to myself but in all reality, I was scared and neglected.

In many ways that hasn't changed and even though my dad and I have mended things between us, I still feel like they left me the first chance they could.

The walls that I built around myself, keep me safe from the pain of being alone and someday I hope to not need them anymore.


	26. Chapter 26:Hurt

**Chapter 26:Hurt (Christina Aguilera)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>The<strong>_ _**walls that I built around myself, keep me safe from the pain of being alone and someday I hope to not need them anymore.**_

* * *

><p>After my last hospital stay in September and the list of things that I had to abide by, I managed to get my lungs back up to where they needed to be.<p>

By mid October, I had cleared everything with my doctors and they gave me the okay to resume my normal activities but they cautioned me that I should leave smoking alone for good.

I planned to follow that advice.

As soon as I knew that I could, I worked my ass off to get back in shape and on top of that I made sure to make up everything I could to catch up in my classes.

Marco was still making himself scarce after nearly killing me and I was thankful for it.

My father told me that he sat him down and had a long talk.

Marco would be granting me a divorce very soon, if my dad had anything to do with it, it would be an annulment.

I still hadn't talked to Marco other than through my dad.

His excuse for suddenly being unavailable was the huge case load that he had but I knew that once my dad got a hold of him that he changed his tune and realized that I wasn't so vulnerable anymore.

He was slowly fading into my past again and I didn't mind much.

Once I realized that Marco wouldn't be around I began to live again.

I hung out with Quinn whenever I got the chance and I was even back on my weekly shopping schedule with Britt.

* * *

><p>My close proximity to the school provided me with no excuse to not attend football games.<p>

I ended up sitting with Rachel in the stands since both our cheerleaders were on the sidelines.

My new lease on life even allowed me to tolerate the hobbit more than usual.

She was okay in a loud and rowdy crowd because it was much easier to drown out her constant yammering.

I also began to spend time with Britt again outside of shopping.

I had her over a few times for Sweet Valley High marathons, however, I was still banned from sweet lady kisses which sucked.

She was back together with Finnept and apparently he made her happy so I just kept my distance when he was around and tried my hardest to keep my hands off Britt.

Everything was going alright, I had been clean and sober a solid month.

My pneumonia was long gone and so was my smoking habit.

My high school life was back on track and ironically after my parents moved to Atlanta, we have begun to talk at least once a day.

I was starting to feel loved and cared about and with my father now_ 'in the know'_ about my past it seemed that he wasn't so angry all the time.

I guess he was just frustrated with not knowing what was going on with me and had to rely on rumors that made their way back to him.

* * *

><p><em>"Hello?"<em>

_"Mrs. Vega?"_

I hated that my last name was officially Vega...it made my skin crawl but I didn't correct people anymore because it involved explaining and I just didn't care to spend that much time and effort.

It would change soon enough.

_"Yes? Who's this?"_

_"Dr. Jindahl. I hope that I caught you at an okay time. Can you make it in today by any chance?"_

_"Actually, I am headed to take my SATs, is it important? My lungs feel fine, I just had a check up last week."_

_"Well, unfortunately I must insist. Maybe after your test you could make it in?"_

Quinn was having a big bonfire down at the junction and I had been pretty psyched about it but I knew that she would understand if I had to take a slight detour, I mean I usually showed up late anyway.

_"Alright, doc, how about at 4?"_

_"Perfect, see you then, Mrs. Vega."_

* * *

><p>At first I was fine, I got to the cafeteria and signed in and was sent off with the M-Z group which annoyed me, since I was now stuck at the end of the alphabet.<p>

I was anxious about my test and then I was worried about what the good doctor had to say.

I had really wanted to talk to Quinn but now I had to wait until break in two hours, since the people with A-L last names were in a different part of the school.

The only upside was that now I got to stare at Britt without Finn lingering and watching me because she was at the end of the alphabet too.

The first half of the test went painstakingly slow, I had finished each section in record time and even had time to recheck my answers twice.

I looked over at Britt and she was near tears.

I wanted to strangle Finn.

My best friend was frustrated and I had to watch it go down without being able to help her.

I had offered to help Britt study but Finn had gotten territorial and said that he would be able to help her ten times better than I could.

I got it, he didn't want me to be alone with her, so then Quinn tried to help but the idiot had insisted in front of Britt and just went along with it.

I know that Britt is up for a scholarship to Julliard and since she needed every bit of scholarship money that she could get, this test was crucial.

She didn't have Quinn's money or my trust fund to get her to New York she was relying on pure talent.

Seeing her struggle pained me but I knew that at this point there was nothing I could do.

* * *

><p>When break came around they sent us to the cafeteria, providing us with a half hour to eat and mingle so that we could give our brains a rest.<p>

I headed towards Q, so that I could talk through some of this anxiety after that phone call but Britt had other ideas.

Before I knew it she had wrapped her arms around me and was sobbing into my neck.

I held her close and rubbed her back.

_"It's alright B, there is always the makeup."_

_"The scholarship deadline is this week Ana! I'm so screwed. I should of let you help me like I wanted you to."_

_"I'm sure you are doing great, B. Just think about what I have taught you and forget the rest. I know you got this!"_

_"Finn says that your tricks and shortcuts are dumb but then I tried his and now my head feels like it has marbles rolling around in it."_

I was beyond angry, he had no right to try and teach her stuff in a different way so close to the test.

He was an idiot!

I gripped Britt's hand and stormed over to where the dumb jocks were sitting.

_"Ana...don't."_ She whispered but I was on a mission.

And I didn't care who saw.

_"Hey creampuff!"_

Finn turned red as he looked my way.

I had my arms crossed over my chest after moving Britt to stand behind me just in case this got ugly.

Finn jumped up and stormed over towards me with his fists balled up and his stupid gassy baby face scrunched up.

I knew he was embarrassed but I didn't give a shit about those dumb meatheads.

Britt was hurting and he was going to pay.

* * *

><p>"<em>What is it Santana?"<em>

_"Do you know how long it took me to get Brittany to finally understand mathematical functions? I taught her all my tricks and that is why she has an 3.0 average but apparently you are smarter than me and now that she had to rely on your dumb ass ideas she couldn't work out the test, you fucking confused her!"_

"_Your methods made no goddamned sense, Santana."_

_"Maybe not to your puny nut sized brain, jockstrap, but Britt had gotten it. It would have been easier to just let me help her, I have helped her since the tenth fucking grade. And now, if she misses out on Julliard because of you and your stupid fucking territorial bullshit, I am going to stick my foot so far up your ass you are going to taste my sneaker for weeks."_

_"Take that back."_

_"Make me!" _

_"You know what Santana?" _I had conducted myself at a low growl but he was loud. Like screaming, loud. _"I'm sick of your shit. Just fucking come out of the closet already! You are just mad because I had the balls to ask Brittany out. If you would just admit to everyone that you're a lesbian already maybe you wouldn't be such a fucked up, crack addicted bitch!"_

The whole room went silent.

I stood there frozen.

My whole body was shaking.

And I couldn't bring myself to move but that didn't stop Britt.

She lunged at Finn who had already been on his way back to his table wearing a self satisfied smirk.

I turned and ran as fast I could out of the room.

Q says it was poetic justice watching the quarterback being tackled by a blonde cheerleader and getting wailed on.

I'm sure it was and I would have done it myself it hadn't of been for my tears.

I couldn't let them see me cry.

I didn't see anything past his words because I was already in the bathroom sobbing.

* * *

><p>I had just been outed in front of the whole senior class as a crackhead and a lesbian.<p>

I didn't know which one was worse.

All I knew is that I could show my face out there.

I was mid sob as the first wave of nausea hit me, followed by a second and a third.

I was knelt over the toilet gagging when Q found me...I hadn't even shut the stall door.

_"San? Sweetie? Are you okay?"_ I didn't have the energy to answer, so I just shook my head, turned back to the toilet and continued to empty my stomach. _"Right, stupid question. You will be happy to know that Sue just kicked out Finn and he has to make it all up." _

I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and sat against the stall wall.

_"He's a fucking asshole. I hate him!"_

_"Me too."_

The bathroom door swung open and Rachel popped her head in.

_"Britt was just escorted out of the building and if you two don't come out of this bathroom you will be too. Test starts in three minutes."_

My heart swelled at the thought that Britt had another chance to take the test!

I mean I hated that she was being sent home but I knew that I would be able to help her this time.

I rinsed out my mouth and headed back to my testing area.

I looked at Britt's empty seat and sighed.

I needed to get through this test and get out of this place.

I tried my best to focus on the rest of the test even though I could feel people watching me.

I was nerve wracked and knowing that I had to head back to the hospital to top it all off had me jittery.

_"Time! Please turn your tests in up at the front. Good luck to you all."_

* * *

><p>I rushed out of the building and headed straight to my car.<p>

I had been trying to get my key in the ignition for several minutes but I couldn't focus.

_"Ugh! God help me! Please?"_ I pleaded with the sky.

I finally got the key in and was able to start the car.

My hands were shaking so badly, my nerves were totally fried, I knew that I just needed a cigarette and I would be able to calm myself.

I closed my eyes, placed my head against the steering wheel and tried to breathe and just trying my best to ignore the craving.

I hadn't locked my doors so when Quinn got in it shouldn't have surprised me so much but when she touched my leg, I jumped and nearly had a heart attack.

_"Fuck! Quinn! You can't do that! Shit!"_

My hands began shaking harder as I rested my face on the steering wheel again and started breathing really fast.

_"San? It's okay honey. Here,"_ she handed me some gum. _"it helps with the nerves. Just chew and breathe slowly."_

I took the gum and chewed, I immediately began to breathe a little easier.

I turned to her and smiled, happy that I was able to calm down without nicotine.

_"Thanks Q."_

_"No problem. Feel better?"_

_"Yea."_

_"So where are you headed the bonfire isn't for three hours. Are you going to check on B?"_

_"Headed to the hospital actually."_

_"Really? Why?"_

_"I don't know yet, are you coming with?"_ she nodded and buckled her seat belt.

I love Q, she is always down for anything.

Even at the last moment.

* * *

><p>We sat in Dr. Jindahl's office anxiously.<p>

I still didn't know why I was here but since I hadn't been instructed yet to change my clothes, I still had confidence that this was a plain old follow up.

_"Mrs. Vega! Very nice to see you again._"

He reached out for my hand and shook it tightly.

_"I wish I could say the same doc, why am I here?"_

He sat behind my father's old desk and searched through some files, placed one open in front of him.

He looked back up at me and rested his folded hands on top of the open file.

_"I wanted you to come in so I could confirm your pregnancy and hopefully, get you set up for a proper checkup."_

_"What?"_

Both Quinn and I jumped forward in our seats and stared him down.

_"You didn't know? I was afraid of that. It seems my residents and interns were so terrified of your father they they failed to mention this to either of you."_

_"How far along?" _I nearly screamed out.

_"Nine weeks or so."_

I was counting back nine weeks in my head, I found myself hoping it was Marco's more than any other guy and even though NoNo would be the most supportive and loving, after seeing what he went through with Beth I didn't want to unload something like this on him.

The other options though were utterly unthinkable.

* * *

><p><em>"Um...I can't think...what was nine weeks?"<em>

_"It happened around the time of your overdose."_

_"I need to go. I will call you to set something up doc. I need to make some phone calls."_

I rushed out of his office with Q hot on my heels.

This was the last fucking thing that I needed.

It was like I was meant to stay in this shit hole town for the rest of my life.

_"Is this really happening right now, Q?_" I asked her after driving for five minutes in complete silence.

_"I'm afraid so love."_

_"I wish Sandra was here. Why did this shit have to happen when she decided to go home?"_

_"No worries, San, I'm coming back home with you right now and we can just talk this through and then we can go to the bonfire and try and ease your mind a bit."_

_"Um...how about you go to your bonfire and I will just head home. My head is hurting so I'm just going to go straight to bed. You can come by after though...do you still have your spare key?"_

_"Yea I do"_

_"Good. So you want me to take you home?"_

_"No that's ok San, Just drop me by Britt's that's where I left my car and I will see you tonight."_

* * *

><p>Lately, I have been a little too open with my emotions but at this moment I just wanted to curl up and be alone.<p>

When I got up to my apartment I shut all the blinds, put my Amy Winehouse playlist on repeat and then drowned myself in my blankets and pillows.

I was angry with the world, with Marco but most of all I was especially mad at myself, I wasn't built to be anyone's mother.

I was too fucking selfish for my own good.

I vaguely heard my phone ringing and then knocking at my door but I couldn't bring myself to move.

My phone continued to go off and so I finally checked the caller id, it was fucking Marco.

I threw my phone across the room feeling somewhat satisfied when I heard it shatter.

Unfortunately the knocking persisted.

_"Go away!"_

My voice was almost nonexistent and my words were no more than a whisper.

Whoever it was kept right on fucking knocking but I wasn't moving.

I started singing to myself trying my best to drown out the noise, I knew that I was losing it.

I rocked and sang until no sound came from my throat.

The knocking had finally stopped thankfully.

But that was only because whoever it was had gotten inside.

I was suddenly wrapped in Britt's warm comfort.

She laid on her side behind me and held me close to her.

I didn't want her to see me like this but knowing Britt, she didn't give a shit what I wanted when I was this deep in depression especially if it ended up with me trying to hide from the world like this.

_"You heard the news I take it?"_

* * *

><p>Britt was talking but I was only half listening.<p>

_"God San I'm so sorry this had to happen just when things were looking up for you. When I saw it on the news I rushed right over here. Thank goodness you taught me to pick locks."_ She was rambling and rocking me.

At some point Quinn came into the room with tears in her eyes.

Something had happened and it had to do with me and my world.

I forced myself to pay closer attention to my surroundings.

_"I canceled the bonfire, have you heard from your mom yet?"_

_"I haven't moved from this spot, I'm not even sure if I want to keep it, why would I talk to my mom?" _

Quinn looked confused and then I saw the light bulb go on in her head.

_"Shit San...where is your phone?"_

_"I threw it when I saw that Marco was calling me."_

_"San something has happened...something big."  
><em>

Quinn rummaged around in my covers until she found the remote.

She turned on the TV and almost immediately I saw my fathers face flash on the screen.

I sat up as the reporter began to speak.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Former prominent local figure was gunned down this afternoon. Aden Mateo Lopez was working at the Atlanta Medical Center this afternoon when a deranged man walked in and started spraying the room with bullets. As of this time there have been nineteen casualties and six are wounded. The hospital was locked down for six hours this afternoon while police searched for the gunman. The man, Isaiah Powell of Savannah, Georgia, was brought down shortly after his shooting spree when he opened fire on enforcement officials. A public vigil is being held at Lima General this evening to pray for the victims and their families. Aden Lopez was 49...<em>**

* * *

><p>I remember every second after I heard the news but I don't think I was really present, the world just seemed to move around me at a slow pace in black and white.<p>

I remember standing up and changing my clothes.

I remember using Quinn's phone to call my mother and I especially remember how hysterical she was.

I tried to comfort her but I know that it fell flat.

It was like my emotions had been sucked out of me.

As a child my father hated to wake up on Sunday's more than anything.

I inherited that trait from him, among others.

As a family we would always go to midnight mass on Saturdays and since I was in Catholic school my dad felt like his duties as a good Catholic had been fulfilled.

When I lost the baby I had stopped going to mass all together.

I tried to get up the urge to make it but there was always something more important going on.

Over the years I had only gone a handful of times and one of those nights resulted in meeting Blaine, sneaking into a bar afterwards and drinking away the nights sermon on homosexuality.

We ended up in bed together trying to fuck away the gay but we both left the motel feeling even more assured in who we were and what we couldn't be, straight.

I went to mass a few times after that but really something had died in me when I was told I was going to hell for who I loved.

Quinn and I had millions of conversations after that, involving religion and I always agreed with her.

God is love and so he could never hate me because I loved Brittany.

Even with Quinn urging me to not give up my faith, I still felt cheated and betrayed by those people that I trusted, it was why I refused to go to a Catholic highschool.

* * *

><p>So when I got up that night after hearing that my father had been taken away from me, I got dressed and walked to the church down the street, I know that Quinn was a bit shocked.<p>

I was just numb.

Papi and I were just fixing things, just getting back to being a father and daughter duo that loved each other endlessly.

I needed to find some absolution, I needed to embrace what little faith I had left.

I walked to the front of the church and knelt in front of the altar, I felt Q and B beside me but I was too focused on my petitions to pay them any mind.

I prayed so hard that night and lit candles.

I sat through midnight mass like my life depended on it.

It was my first one in years and I felt nothing as I sat there.

This place was the closest that I could get to my father at the moment so I was willing to suffer through what I was feeling towards the church.

I had lost a huge piece of myself that day and even though we had just gotten each other back, I was feeling guilty and ashamed of the fact that a part of me felt relieved.


	27. Chapter 27:Not Afraid

**Chapter 27: Not Afraid (Eminem)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>I had lost a huge piece of myself and even though we had just gotten each other back I was feeling guilty and ashamed of the fact that a part of me felt relieved.<em>**

* * *

><p>When we got back to my apartment I found Celia sitting down against my door frame in tears.<p>

Of my sisters, she had lived the closest, less than 100 miles away so I wasn't surprised that she made her way to her closest connection to Papi, me.

At that moment, feeling sad and exhausted, I just wanted to be alone.

But now that I was pregnant, that wasn't even a possibility anymore.

Seeing my older sister in tears made me feel sick.

It made it all real.

I knew that I would see all my sisters one by one show up on my doorstep over the coming days.

Now with Papi gone, for some reason, I now symbolized _home _to them.

Go fucking figure!

* * *

><p>Quinn and Britt left soon after I got home and I was glad for it.<p>

Britt had looked sad about leaving but she didn't fight Quinn when after they hugged me, she pulled Britt away.

Q though, knew that I needed time.

And that I really just wanted to deal with only those people who I needed to deal with in that moment.

So she hadn't taken no for an answer.

What would I do without her?

I felt confident that my friends could and would wait until I was ready to see them again and for that I was insanely grateful.

I brought my sister inside and sat her down at the table, she was dazed and confused.

She looked how I felt and it hurt me to see her this way.

As sisters, none of us had really been all that close but in moments like this...you would never know that.

I placed a hot cup of coffee in front of her and then we just sat there late into the night, not really speaking, just sitting in our own worlds.

* * *

><p>The morning after we all heard the news about Papi, was a somber and rainy Sunday.<p>

Damariz and Brenda had showed up early that morning loaded down with doughnuts and coffee.

Followed closely by Sandra, who was glowing even though she looked like she had spent the whole night crying.

When I saw her stomach my heart dropped.

That would be me soon enough.

Suddenly I was nauseous but I choked back the feeling and put on a brave face.

I was glad that the apartment was full of people because I knew that if I had allowed myself to be alone I would have relapsed...even if I was pregnant.

If I didn't have this new baby to worry about I would have found something to get me high, even if it was just a cigarette.

But instead I ended up going to church when I heard the news...I guess this baby was a small miracle.

My sisters took over my kitchen and made a huge breakfast while I sat in my shower and finally let out some emotion.

But unfortunately it was the wrong one, all I could feel was anger as I screamed at the top of my lungs.

My sobs were angry and I was cursing everything under the sun.

I ended up in heap on the shower floor.

* * *

><p>When Sandra managed to pry the door open, she found me with long gashes up and down my right arm.<p>

I had apparently been sitting there scratching and grumbling to myself.

Thankfully, she had kept my other three sisters back because I was sure that I looked insane.

My sister wrapped me in a towel and rocked me as I sobbed against her shoulder.

I felt her son kick and it hit my stomach and I just cried harder.

What the hell was going on in my life?

Sandra didn't scold me or show anger at my lashing out.

After letting me get all the tears out, she helped me into my bedroom and sat with me while got me dressed.

My wounds weren't very deep but she still put antiseptic and a bandage over my arm.

We didn't speak about it after that.

* * *

><p><em>"Come on Ana, you need to eat you're looking sick. Have you been eating?"<em>

I nodded as she looped her arm over my shoulders and hugged me to her warm body once I was dressed.

We took one step into the kitchen.

I smiled a little bit seeing my sisters all together but then my stomach lurched.

The moment that I smelled the bacon my morning sickness came rushing at me.

_"Oh God!"_ I moaned, covering my mouth and turning back around.

I barely made it to the bathroom before I became Linda Blair and started spewing out everything that I had eaten the day before.

Yea me, start showing morning sickness the morning that I'm surrounded by people!

A dozen hands were suddenly rubbing my back, pulling up my hair up, and coaxing me back from the edge.

All of my sisters had squeezed into the little room and were banding together to take care of me.

Which was something that they all probably needed at that point.

* * *

><p><em>"Are you alright Ana?"<em> Sandra asked me.

_"Yea, I'm just...you know...pregnant, I found out just before..."_ I mumbled with my face still lingering over the toilet.

At the thought of Papi, I had started to violently dry heave.

I was exhausted and the bile burned as it made an appearance after the last bout of dry heaving.

When it seemed to be done, Damariz felt my forehead and then pressed a cool towel against it.

I finally sat down and rested my head on the toilet bowl.

Damariz wiped my face and handed me a cup of water as I closed my eyes and let the porcelain toilet seat cool down the side of my face.

I felt disgusting.

There was a collective gasp after my announcement and although I was a married woman Marco had agreed with my family that we would hold off on kids, so this was a shock to them all.

_"It is Marco's right? I only ask because he's not around."_ That was Brenda trying to make a joke.

Except it wasn't all that funny.

I sat against the wall and looked straight in her eyes.

_"I don't know, maybe. It's him or three other guys." _

My sisters all looked at me with equal looks of disdain and confusion.

Yea, how's that for a fucking joke?

* * *

><p>My honesty has always thrown people for a loop.<p>

Everyone except my sisters.

With my father dead, my sisters needed something to distract them from their grief.

That morning I became their target.

They shot me with question after question but instead of answering I shut down and deflected with half answers.

Did they not see how tired I was?

Sandra eventually kicked them out of the room and shut the door.

_"Ana, maybe it's time to tell them what you told me about Marco and about the overdose?"_

_"Why?" _

I was honestly too tired to argue but I just wanted a good reason why I should spill my darkest secrets like they were insignificant fairy tales.

_"Because Papi kept them in the dark and it does nothing but divide us. We have to stick together, right now especially. I know that you weren't raised with us but you are still our baby sister and you need us, even Damariz."_

_"Ugh! Fine. I will tell them but you have to get rid of that bacon if you want me to talk about this."_

So that is how I found myself sitting against the center of my headboard with a bottle of water and some crackers surrounded by my older sisters.

* * *

><p>My sisters all had equal looks of horror on their faces as I told them about who I really was.<p>

They all looked pissed when I explained my past with Marco and I clued them into why Marco was M.I.A.

And I got nothing but comfort when I admitted how I was scared shitless about this pregnancy.

I even told them that I was gay.

None of them rejected me and that made me feel amazing.

Sandra squeezed my hand tightly as I talked about almost dying and how Papi still expected me to uphold my vows and be a good wife until recently.

_"So what are you going to do?" _Celia asked with unshed tears in her eyes.

_"Keep it. After losing my first baby so violently I can't carry life in my body and not keep it. I cannot lose my baby again."_

"_Call me an ass if you want but baby sis this pregnancy seems right on time to me. I think Papi dying the day you found out is a sign. Maybe you would have gone back to using."_

Damariz stuck her chin out and prepared for an onslaught of criticism but was surprised to see me and everyone else nodding in agreement.

She was right.

That's exactly what would have happened.

My sisters and I sat around for hours after that just talking and laughing.

I heard stories of how they grew up and what they thought of me.

I was the spoiled one, I had two cars and a trust fund while most of them were still paying off educations and car notes.

Little did they know back then, that what I had came at a big price.

They had childhoods...and I didn't.

* * *

><p>Me opening up helped them see that my grass wasn't much greener than theirs.<p>

I felt surrounded by love and friendship that I wish that I had experienced as a kid.

But they were here now...right?

My sisters lingered for hours and took turns offering any assistance that I needed.

It was past midnight when everyone finally cleared out.

Celia and Brenda had gone back to the hotel with Damariz so it was just me and Sandra.

With all the love, I was happy to have just a little breathing room.

_"So you are settled on keeping this baby?"_

_"Just as settled as you are San, I have never wanted anything more in my life."_

_"What about Columbia? What about law school?"_

_"I don't know. I want to stick with it. Papi has my education covered so I just need to get a place and work while going to school."_

_"That's an awful lot to take on by yourself Ana."_

_"Well what other choice is there? I can't lose my baby!" _I snapped.

Sandra sat across from me and ran her finger around the rim of her cup.

Then without responding she got up and left the room with a simple nod.

* * *

><p>I sat there thinking about my future and how I was going to juggle everything.<p>

I knew that I could do this on my own.

The doctor told me that my due date was in July so that gave me time to deliver, move to New York and start some classes.

I was still in deep thought when Sandra plopped down next to me again.

_"I just talked to Johnny. I told him about everything and he agrees that you should just come and live with us and I can just watch the baby while you are in classes. Johnny agrees that this way I won't be lonely and you can become that amazing attorney that you have always dreamed of being."_

_"Sandra, I could never put that on you!"_

_"I want to. Please, let me help you Ana."_

_"What about this place?"_

_"It's home-base for you. Look you moving in with us is the best thing for you and all of us. We can do this together!"_

_"Okay. I guess this is happening then."_

_"I guess so! I'm so excited! Little Johnny will have a cousin to play with!"_

More and more I find my fear dissipating when I allow myself to open up, almost the opposite of what I was taught as a child.

It's amazing what you learn as an adult that could have made your childhood much easier but then again creating an easy going childhood for your children is not as easy as it seems.

Some things just have to be done piece by piece, one moment at a time.


	28. Chapter 28:Lego House

**Chapter 28: Lego House (Ed Sheeran)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Somethings just have to be done piece by piece, one moment at a time.<strong>_

* * *

><p>After Sandra went to bed probably dreaming about babies and Little Johnny, I took off.<p>

Simply by habit I left her a note knowing that I probably would be out the whole night.

I still had no phone so I left her both Quinn and Britt's numbers.

I climbed in my car and suddenly the thought of the day my dad bought it for me flashed through my mind and I began sobbing out loud.

I probably looked insane but I didn't really care.

My mind was on overdrive, I drove slowly through the town thinking of all the memories that I had with my father in these very streets.

I was really regretting breaking my phone at the moment.

I didn't want to wake Q or Judy by knocking and now that NoNo was in a serious relationship with a girl who disliked me, I was only left with one place to go.

* * *

><p>I pulled up outside Britt's house and was surprised to see all the lights were on since it was well past midnight on a Sunday.<p>

Most of Lima was asleep in preparation for the work and school week.

Then again the Pierce's have never been an entirely conventional family.

I parked in their driveway behind Britt's pink dirt bike and slowly climbed the front steps.

My body felt waterlogged and weary.

I could hear them inside all talking and joking.

It felt like I was intruding so I hesitated before I knocked but then I realized that I really didn't want to be anywhere else.

And they had never turned me away.

* * *

><p>When I knocked everyone went silent and then the door was flung open.<p>

Mrs. Pierce smiled sadly at me and then opened her arms.

I hung to her tightly as I cried for the eight millionth time that day.

Her touch was as familiar to me or maybe more than my own mother's.

I was sure that it was definitely more comforting.

When she let me go I was immediately wrapped up in Mr. Pierce's arms and the very maleness of him made me ache so deeply in my chest.

When Britt sensed that I was going to start hyperventilating she pulled me away from her loving parents and we started heading up the stairs.

She didn't hug me right away, instead she said goodnight to her parents and continued to pull me up to her room.

When I entered Britt's room after having been away from it for so long it felt like I was finally coming home.

I hadn't seen these walls since two nights before my birthday, before all of this drama started and it wasn't until this moment that I realized how much I had been longing for it.

Longing for home.

* * *

><p>Once we were behind closed doors Britt pulled me into her bathroom and sat me down on the edge of the toilet.<p>

We didn't speak because it was unnecessary between us.

When you have a best friend that's so close to you, there is a silent language that develops and phases out need for small talk.

I needed to be taken care of without question and Britt knew just how to do that.

When the tub was full and it had her duck bubble bath all through it she pulled me back to my feet.

I stood there shifting back and forth from foot to foot, feeling a little uneasy.

My body felt heavy and my eyes were equally so but I couldn't rest, my mind wouldn't allow it.

She pulled off my clothes piece by piece and then she pulled off her own.

Normally, I would have protested a shared bath with her parents just downstairs but I didn't care tonight.

If this was what Britt thought was best for me in this moment I wasn't going to question her.

After we settled in the bubbles, I laid my head on her chest and she wrapped her arms around my middle and gave me a good squeeze.

_"You know B, you won't be able to do this for much longer."_

_"What take baths? Is Marco coming back?"_

I froze when she mentioned his name a sick feeling covered me suddenly.

I felt like his very name would taint all the amazing-ness that was Brittany.

I shook off the disgusting and disturbing feeling and leaned deeper into her and returning to the conversation.

* * *

><p><em>"I'm pregnant, B. I'm going to have a baby."<em>

It was her turn to freeze up, I leaned my head back and looked up her.

I expected a scowl or anger on her face but she just smiled and rubbed her hands across my stomach.

_"Wow Ana. We are going to have a baby? I hope it's a girl, then she can be the flower girl at our wedding. You're gonna have to divorce Marco though_."

I found myself laughing at the absurdity of it all but I knew that Britt was serious.

Which made all the laughter stop.

_"Wait, B...You still want to marry me after everything I've done?"_

_"Yes. A thousand times, yes. I want to be a Lopez. My dance name will be BLo and when I drop it low everyone will shout Oh! Get it?"_ She chuckled.

_"Britt was that a sex joke?"_ I was shocked at her crudeness.

She laughed and kissed my forehead.

_"Yeah. I didn't think you would get it."_

_"How long did it take you to come up with that?"_

_"I thought of it one day when I was down below...duh!"_

_"You were creating jokes when you were going down on me?"_

I was mock offended and lightly slapped her wrist.

_"It was right after you came. I promise."_

She pouted and then she nuzzled into my neck and took a deep breath.

She let out a deep sigh, and then planted a kiss right behind my ear.

_"I want you to be my girlfriend Ana."_

_"Mmm...Okay."_

_"Really? Is that a yes?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Um, okay...wow! That was quick."_

_"You okay, Britt?"_

_"Yea, I just didn't think you would say yes so fast."_

* * *

><p>We sat in the water until it went cold just laughing and joking.<p>

When we finally climbed out of the tub, I immediately felt refreshed.

Britt couldn't stop smiling and when I caught my reflection in the mirror, I saw that I was smiling too.

We crawled into bed and without hesitation Britt pulled my body against hers.

I felt peace in my soul and as I drifted off to sleep I heard Britt mumble. _"I can't believe you said yes." _and I smiled.

Although I was where I wanted to be and I felt safe, sleep didn't stay with me for very long.

I woke up with the moon shining brightly through the curtains.

Britt was laying half on me and half off.

She smiled as she clung to me.

I could lay like this forever just watching her sleep.

_"I love you Ana but please stop staring and go to sleep." _she mumbled without opening her eyes.

_"I love you too, Britt Britt but I just can't sleep...I have too much on my mind."_

Britt yawned deeply before finally opening her eyes and looking into mine.

She brushed my hair from my face and then flashed a brilliant grin before she rolled out of the bed and began searching for clothes.

_"Come on Ana get dressed."_

_"What? It's like..."_ I looked at her alarm clock, _"it's two a.m., Britt."_

_"So what...get up!"_ She whispered

* * *

><p>After we were dressed in our warmest clothes, we quietly went down the steps and like always we skipped the last step because of the loud creak it let out.<p>

Britt climbed in the driver seat of my car and waited for me patiently.

I handed her my keys and she pulled out the driveway slowly.

This was her first time driving my car and I knew that she was trying to be as cautious as possible.

I smiled at her and rested my hand on her thigh, urging her to relax.

After a few minutes we pulled up to my parents house and we got out the car.

_"Britt this is the last place that I want to be."_ I whined.

_"We aren't going inside, just trust me."_

I held onto her hand and kept my head down.

We walked around the house and stopped at the tree outside of my old bedroom window.

_"Come on babe."_ She said as she hoisted herself up the crooked steps.

My faced flushed as she called me babe for the first time.

I would follow her anywhere if she continued to call me that.

We climbed the tree quickly and entered the tree house with ease.

It was just as I had left it over a month ago.

There was a chill in the air but it was still relatively warm outside.

B plopped down on one of the throw cushions and rested her head against the back wall, turning the lamp on in the process.

* * *

><p><em>"So let's talk okay?"<em> B said with her serious expression back in place.

_"Okay, B."_ I sat down beside her with our hands intertwined and my head resting on her shoulder.

_"So are we still moving to New York?"_

_"Yes. I talked to Sandra earlier and she is going to let me and the baby stay with her while I go to school."_

_"Do you want me to move in with you and help out?"_

_"No B, I want you to go to Julliard and live in the dorms. Have the full college experience."_

_"I don't need the experience. I just want to be with you."_

_"How about you stay in the dorms the first year and then we can talk about it after that. Julliard is a serious school and you should be around the other dancers especially freshman year."_

_"Okay, fine, but who is going to watch the baby when you are at school following your dreams?"_

_"Sandra."_

_"I don't know Ana. I want our baby to see me everyday. I want to be there for you two."_

_"I want you there too, B, I just don't want to get in the way of your dreams, we will be in the same city. You can visit us anytime that you want. I just want you to follow your dreams, okay?"_

_"But Ana, having a family with you is my biggest dream of them all."_

She wrapped her arms around me and I began to shake again.

My heart had melted.

I wanted to cry tears of joy and sadness and hope but I had no more tears left to give and yet my body was still trying.

_"B...how can you still want that after everything that has happened?"_

_"I just love you so much. Now that I know what you went through and why you pushed me away so much, I know that you need me more than you like to admit, even if you don't say so you want this too."_

_"You're so smart B."_

_"I know."_

* * *

><p>I got back home at almost seven the next morning.<p>

When I walked in my mother and sisters were all having coffee at my table.

They turned to me waiting for an answer to where I had been but this was _my_ apartment.

I didn't need to answer to anyone.

I leaned in and wrapped my arms around my mother and held her as she sobbed in my arms.

I took in her spicy scent and it made me feel comforted.

I needed this embrace just as much as she did, even if it seemed a long time coming.

When she finally let go, I headed straight for the shower, I had thirty minutes to get to my first period class and I didn't want to be late.

I blew through my morning routine with ease.

I knew that after staying up all night talking my thoughts out with Britt and not sleeping, I should be dead on my feet but instead I felt energized and ready for my day.

My all black track suit and black sneakers fit perfectly with my mourning.

I put my hair up in a high bun and then grabbed my books, I still had fifteen minutes left.

I was surprised with myself, I had never gotten ready so quickly.

When I walked out to the dining room and grabbed my keys my mom cleared her throat loudly, stopping me in my tracks.

* * *

><p><em>"Mi'ja? Please sit down with us. Have some café?"<em>

_"I can't I'm going to be late."_

Also the smell of the coffee made my stomach turn but I didn't want to talk about that right now.

_"Please? I just need your help planning things. Your father's will is very specific."_

I sighed and tossed my bag on the sofa and sat down next to it.

I wanted to help any way that I could but right now, I just needed to be normal for one more day but I couldn't turn her down right now.

She had lost the love of her life and I couldn't deny her this.

_"Fine, Mami but I am only missing first period...then I have to go."_

_"Cafe?" S_he asked again, she was being so overly persistent and I was agitated.

So I snapped.

_"No Mami, I can't have café, okay?"_ I said exasperated, I held my head in my hands and looked at the floor.

_"Why not you love café, Ana?"_

Why was she pushing this so hard?

It was my home, I didn't need to mothered anymore.

I just wanted to leave.

_"Because..."_ I looked at my sisters and then at my mom. I was beyond frustrated. _"Because I'm pregnant."_

My mother placed her cup down on the table and pressed her lips firmly together.

She looked around at my sisters and then her eyes landed back on me.

She was angry.

As if this was on purpose!

* * *

><p><em>"What happened? We all agreed that you should wait!"<em>

_"I know Mami but you know, Marco."_

_"Is it even Marco's baby, Santana?"_

When Brenda had asked me a similar question last night, I was fine with it because she is my sister and she meant no harm.

It was cool with me because there was no malice behind it,

But when my own mother asked with a tone insinuating that I was whore, I completely flipped out.

I picked up my bag and walked straight to the door, flinging it open.

I paused and then turned back, looking her straight in the eyes trying my best to swallow back my tears.

I told the truth.

_"Actually Mami, to be honest, I don't know if this is Marco's baby. I guess, I'm just the little whore you always believed me to be! Good job!"_

With that I slammed the door and rushed out of the building.

* * *

><p>I walked to the school fuming.<p>

My night and early morning had been so amazing, so picture perfect.

But now I had to deal with insinuations.

I stormed into the school in full bitch mode.

The halls parted for me as I made my way to my locker.

Everyone in Lima knew by now and nobody could blame me for unleashing hell on the next person to say stupid shit to me.

They all turned away not wanting to be that person.

At least some people knew when to back the hell off.

And then there are the people who can cut through everything and get to the heart of me.

People like Q.

* * *

><p><em>"Hey San."<em>

_"Hey, Q."_

_"You're pissed, that must mean your mom is finally back in town."_

_"Yea."_

_"You told her?"_

_"Yea."_

_"She asked who's it was, didn't she?"_

_"Yea."_

_"She had no right to do that."_

_"You know that. I fucking know that but she doesn't apparently understand that!"_

_"Mothers never do."_

_"Ugh!" _

I huffed out shoving my book bag in my locker.

_"On a brighter note...I heard."_

_"Heard what?"  
><em>

_"I heard that you're official with Britt finally." _

I couldn't help the small smile that spread across my face as I blushed, leave it to Quinn to know how to make me get over myself.

* * *

><p><em>"Yea, I am done with the bullshit. I can't waste anymore time being scared of what other people think of me."<em>

_"That's great to hear!" _she said patting me on the back.

_"Speaking of B, Have you seen her?"_

_"Sue kept her after practice."_

_"Oh."_

As I grabbed my books and shut my locker I got a whiff of some guys breakfast and I had to literally sprint to the closest bathroom.

This pregnancy sucked already.

_"I do not miss morning sickness. Here drink this." _Quinn said as she stood over me, blocking the stall.

I chugged the bottle of water that she handed me.

She helped me up and then handed me a lollipop.

_"These helped me. I bought a whole bag__ for you__ yesterday."_ She handed me a bag of lollipops and smiled.

_"Thanks Q."_

_"Just trying to be a good Godmother."_

_"Well you are doing a great so far! Just keep these coming."_

* * *

><p>I spent the rest of the day with the candy shoved in my mouth and because I am such a great student my teachers let me be.<p>

Also, no teacher wanted to be the one to give the girl whose father was just murdered, detention.

The candy was working like a charm, for the most part, the only exception was the rank smell in the cafeteria.

I almost didn't make it to the bathroom after the combination of smells and the sight of people gorging on their lunches made my stomach turn violently.

I spent the rest of lunch sitting on the bleachers.

I might just be eating in the choir room from now on.

The one thing I was sure of though was that this baby was serving as a great distraction from my issues.

So much so, that I almost forgot about what would be awaiting me when I got home.


	29. Chapter 29:I'm Lost Without You

**Chapter 29: I'm Lost Without You (Blink-182)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>The one thing I was sure of though was that this baby was serving as a great distraction from my issues. <strong>_

_**So much so, that I almost forgot about what would be awaiting me when I got home.**_

* * *

><p>When school ended I headed to Cheerios practice to help with anything that Sue needed.<p>

When I got out onto the field it was empty.

I headed towards the doors to the gym but then I spotted three blondes sitting in a row on they bottom row of the bleachers.

Quinn and Britt sat side by side and Sue sat angled towards them.

They looked like they were having a deep conversation.

Britt had a look of confusion on her face while Q was grinning like an idiot.

Sue was handing Britt a piece of paper and she was kept nodding and looking down at it.

I approached them trying to figure out what was going on.

* * *

><p>"<em>Hey."<em>

_"San this is amazing!"_ Q said with sparkling eyes. _"I can't believe this is happening!"_

_"What's going on?"_ Britt looked up at me but quickly bowed her head again.

Britt knew that despite Quinn's excitement, I was probably going to be upset about it.

We were having one of those silent conversations.

I took a deep breath and looked at Sue who looked like she was just itching to give me whatever news it was.

_"Well Lopez your girlfriend here was spotted while she auditioned for Julliard by a major choreographer, I was contacted this morning and now, I have the honor of letting her know that she was just asked to go on Madonna's come back tour."_

I now understood the look that Brittany had given me when I had walked up.

We had literally just been planning our lives together the night before but this was the opportunity of a lifetime and no matter what she was about to do to convince me otherwise I wasn't going to allow her to give up her dream.

She would dance, end of discussion.

* * *

><p><em>"When do you go?"<em> I asked, while shoving my hands in my pockets.

I was trying to appear calm and collected although I was freaking out on the inside

_"I can't leave you right now, Ana!"_ Britt said with watery eyes.

_"You have to do this Britt Britt, I won't keep you here and you know that this is the opportunity of a lifetime. When does it start?"_

_"Next September in London, I would leave the first of the month."_

I swallowed the despair that I felt.

I wasn't going to allow her to give this up for me even if it killed me inside.

I would wait for her.

_"Wow! That's so awesome B!"_ I said smiling for her benefit.

She looked up at me starry eyed.

"_Really, Ana? You aren't mad?"_

I was furious but I wouldn't show it.

* * *

><p>I walked over and wrapped my arms around her and squeezed tight.<p>

The smell of Britt soothed the rumbling in my gut.

A huge part of me was wishing that I had just gone home instead of searching for Sue because I would have been spared this news for a little while longer.

I kissed Britt on her forehead and then stood back, holding her hands in my own.

_"We have to celebrate after all the grieving is done, ok?"_ I said as I kissed her hands and then released them. _"I'm headed home now to help with the funeral arrangements and then I'm going to buy a new phone so I will text you guys, later ok?"_

Both Quinn and Britt nodded.

I began to turn away when Sue cleared her throat loudly, I turned around halfway and then looked back at her.

_"Hey Lopez, When you come back to school, I want to see you in my office."_

She had a slight look of concern on her face and it made me feel happy inside.

Just knowing that she cared enough to want to talk.

_"You got it coach." _I said before turning back towards the end of the field and walking away.

After I was halfway across the field I began to jog, feeling like I needed to work off the excess anxiety that I was feeling.

I needed to get away from the hurt of Britt leaving me but I didn't want it to be too obvious that I was literally running away from them.

* * *

><p>When I got to my building another wave of nausea hit me.<p>

I ran up the steps two at a time and burst through the door.

I heard someone yell out as I went flying across the apartment and into the bathroom.

My stomach ached, my head was pounding.

And then my body was shaking again.

Every time another wave of nausea hit me I cried and shook harder.

I had barely eaten anything all day with the exception of the lollipops and so my stomach felt like it was trying to climb out of my throat.

When I felt like it was safe enough, I stood up and rested my head against my arms on the sink.

After taking a few deep breaths, I chanced a glance in the mirror.

My eyes were sunken in, my face was clammy and pale, and my hands were shaking as I pressed my hands against my cheeks.

I put my hand on my stomach and rubbed where I thought the baby would be.

_"You are killing mama today baby."_

It was the first time that I had acknowledged that there was a baby at all.

I was terrified to pay too much attention to the baby until I was past my first trimester.

My dry heaving finally stopped and I was finally able to stand on my feet without fear that I would be on my knees again.

I leaned forward on the sink and rested my head on the cool glass of the mirror.

There was a knock on the door.

_"Hold on a minute, please?_"

I grabbed my mouthwash and swished it around for a minute before spitting it back out.

I stood for a moment waiting to see if I would get nauseous again but it seemed like it had passed for the moment.

* * *

><p>My mom stood on the other side of the door.<p>

She held a cup of tea and a bowl of soup.

She smiled at me and gestured for me to climb in my bed.

I nodded and kissed her cheek.

_"Bendicion, Mamí, gracias."_ I said, as I crawled into my bed.

I was so tired and angry inside so I just sat there allowing her to mother me.

She handed me the cup of tea and placed the soup on my nightstand.

She kissed my forehead and then smiled at me.

My mom seemed satisfied with herself as she tucked the comforter around my hips and fluffed up my pillows.

I knew that she needed to distract herself from the reality that was her life.

In that moment she need to just be my mother and I just needed to feel like someone cared about me.

* * *

><p><em>"I talked to your sisters today. They told me what you talked about yesterday. I'm sorry that I judged you so harshly. I think I'm just frustrated and you were my target. You are all that I have left and I should have treated you better, I will treat you better."<em>

She sat down beside to me and rested her hand on my knee.

She was searching my face for answers similar to what my father had done not too long ago.

I tried to put a smile on my face but I just couldn't muster the energy.

I took a deep sip of the tea and allowed it to soothe the ache in my stomach before I continued.

_"Yea well honestly, Mami, I am starting to get used to it. I know that I am kind of hard to be around. That's why I spent so much time alone as a kid, that's why Marco kept me high all the time, and that's why you ended up in Atlanta and now Britt..."_

I trailed off feeling like I had already said too much.

She looked hurt at my words but she didn't argue them.

* * *

><p>My emotions were out of whack and at my mention of Britt I broke.<p>

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to fight back the tears that threatened to spill over.

It was futile to fight them.

Mami brushed the tears from my face and then grabbed a tight hold of my hand.

_"I'm here now Santana, I'm not leaving you again."_

_"Well, we will see about that."_ I mumbled

_"What about Brittany?"_ She asked, ignoring my comment.

_"She asked me to be her girlfriend yesterday, finally after so much wasted time we are finally a couple."_ I searched her eyes for disgust or disappointment but she just looked sad.

_"And what's wrong with that, isn't this something that you have wanted forever?"_

_"Well, other than the fact that I'm still married...wait you don't care?"_ I had to circle back.

_"Santana, I have watched the way you have been with each other for years. Your father and I were just waiting for you to come to us."_

_"He knew?"_

_"Aden knew more than he let on. He pushed Marco because he and I felt differently about you being a lesbian. He promised me that if you told him about it...came out to him, he wouldn't push anymore. I'm happy if you're happy and Brittany has always made you happy."_

_"She does make me happy. I want to marry her someday. She actually wants to help me raise this baby. Can you believe that?"_

I eased back into the conversation feeling so much better now knowing that I could have this kind of talk with my mom without judgment.

* * *

><p><em>"I always did like that girl, she is so loyal to you and so tell me what's wrong?"<em>

_"She just got offered a job dancing on the Madonna tour."_

_"Wow! What an honor! You told her to go, didn't you?"_

_"Of course I did, I couldn't keep her here because of my own mistakes."_

_"That baby is not a mistake."_

_"No, it isn't but my dealing with so many guys, was a really big mistake. Getting so drunk that I don't remember sleeping with two people was a mistake but the baby is a blessing."_

Mami smiled at me and caressed my cheek with pride.

_"Mi'ja, you and Brittany have loved each other from the moment that you met and no matter how far she goes your heart is with her and hers is with you."_

_"I know, I guess I just got excited about her wanting to help raise this baby, I thought for sure that she wouldn't want to speak to me again. She was excited about it. So, now that I'm excited too, she will be leaving just two months after I give birth."_

_"Ana, make every moment count from now until then, show her what she has to come home to. Brittany is not like me and your father, she will always be there for you and with you."_


	30. Chapter 30:Lovesong

**Chapter 30:Lovesong (Adele)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Brittany is not like me and your father, she will always be there for you and with you.<strong>_

* * *

><p>I knew that my mom was right and that I had been looking at this all wrong.<p>

This didn't have to be a bad thing.

Brittany and I had been through much worse and we still managed to make our way back to one another.

I was going to make the most of the time that I had left with Britt.

After Mami and I talked for a little longer she left me alone to take a nap.

When I woke up it was barely dark out and I was suddenly full of energy.

I was ready to get out of the house and I just wanted to do something, anything.

So I checked my bank account and saw that Marco had still been faithfully depositing money for me and although I should say screw him I needed a new phone.

My mom was worried about my rest and insisted that I nap a little longer, so I sent her out to the phone store with specific instructions and so she went out to buy me a new phone.

* * *

><p>While my mom was gone I decided to get a head start on some homework and a paper that was due last week, that I was lucky enough to get an extension for.<p>

I knew that everyone was giving me the opportunity to grieve but I just couldn't throw myself into the whole mourning thing,

I felt like a better way to honor my father was for me to become the person that he wanted me to become and to work hard.

So while my heart ached for the loss of his presence,

I knew that I need to get through this in my own way and in my own time.

My mom made it back in record time and told me that the guy at the Apple store was able to pull up the data from my old phone and transfer it over!

Things were starting to look up.

My mom in her endless effort to keep herself occupied began to clean the apartment.

I liked having her around but I wasn't sure that I could stay in this apartment...so confined.

I didn't want to waste any more time sitting around, so I finished up my homework and then decided to test out my new phone.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hey B, I finally got a new phone. What are you up to?-Ana<strong>_

**_I'm Breadstix w/ my parents, we just got here. Celebrating wanna come join us?-B_**

**_I don't want to intrude.-Ana_**

**_I'm coming 2 get u if u don't get ur butt here. Our baby needs 2 eat. Have u eaten 2day?-B_**

**_I had a little bit of soup.-Ana_**

**_All day?-B_**

**_Yea.-Ana_**

**_Not good enough. I will order 4 u.-B_**

**_K I just got in the car see you soon babe-Ana_**

**_:) love u-B_**

* * *

><p>When I told my mom that I was headed to Breadstix she invited herself along and since I was in such a great mood after our heart to heart earlier, I didn't protest, besides I didn't want to leave her alone.<p>

My apartment could only get so clean before she ran out of things to dust.

I think asking her to come out with me, made her feel like we were besties and right now I was willing to do anything to keep her busy.

I sat in the car and waited for my mom to come downstairs.

She insisted that she needed to change and get fabulous.

It must be in the genes, except lately I just didn't feel like being in anything but my jeans and sweater.

When my mom got in the car she started looking around like she had never seen a car before.

_"This car is gorgeous mi'ja."_

_"Um thanks. It's just like Papi's. Are you sure that you are okay with going out to dinner?"_

_"Yes, it is well past time for me to get acquainted with the Pierces', besides I don't want to be alone right now. You understand that, right?"_

_"Of course Mami, I totally understand."_

* * *

><p>We walked up to the table and Britt's dad stood up and pulled out a chair for my mother while Britt pulled out a chair for me.<p>

It was a great first impression on her.

They had met casually but this would be the first time that they actually sat and talked to one another.

When we sat down we all fell into our usual, run of the mill, from the hip conversations and my mom seemed to fit in almost seamlessly.

I thought that dinner would be awkward and that my mom would end up embarrassing me but she was polite and kind of funny.

Who knew?

I really liked my mom today.

Britt reached under the table and linked her pinky with mine and it felt like everything was as it should be in that moment.

Like we were becoming a family.

She leaned in and whispered in my ear exactly what I needed to hear.

_"No matter what happens I will always love you."_

* * *

><p>After dinner my mom asked me to take her home to the house, she said that being around the Pierces' and seeing their happiness reminded her of all the good moments with my father.<p>

She said that she was beginning to accept that he was gone and that she was ready for some alone time.

I was nervous about leaving her alone but she promised that she would call me if she felt like it was too much.

As I drove away, I was still uncomfortable leaving her there alone so I called Sandra and asked if she wouldn't mind stopping in and maybe staying with my mother.

I knew that she was the only one that I could ask.

And I knew that she wouldn't mind because staying in the same hotel with Damariz was probably killing her.

I had told my sisters that they were free to stay at my place but even Sandra agreed that they needed to be together and there just wasn't enough space in my two bedroom apartment.

* * *

><p>Even though we had school in the morning Britt begged her parents to let her stay the night with me.<p>

It didn't really take much convincing, seeing how I was literally steps away from the school.

So they allowed her to stay the night with me to which she jumped up and down like we were kids again.

So we dropped by her house so that she could get her stuff and then I tried to wait patiently as she fed Lord Tubbs, even though I couldn't really stand him, I even tried to convince her that he could stand to starve a little bit after she decided to give him a lecture on eating all his food.

After she got her books and a clean Cheerios uniform we headed straight to my place.

She kept her hand in my lap the whole car ride.

It was amazing to be able to take B back to my place with no parents lingering around corners and no open door policies.

As soon as we stepped inside the apartment, Britt trapped me against the door and pressed her lips to mine.

Up until this moment our kisses had been sweet and tender but this one screamed with need and passion.

My whole body ached for her touch.

She ran her hands along my sides and paused when she reached my stomach.

She lifted my shirt over my head and then knelt down in front of me.

She kissed my stomach a thousand times mumbling I love you.

I looked down at her and for the first time I could actually imagine her as a mom and a wife, my wife.

* * *

><p><em>"Marry me."<em> The words had passed my lips before I could stop them but then Britt looked up at me with tears in her eyes and simply nodded and I knew that I had meant it with all my heart.

_"Yes as soon as I get back from the tour."_

I felt a pang in my chest and a cold feeling wash over me.

I was missing her already and I had her right here in front of me.

I pulled her to her feet and then she began to urgently undress me.

She kept brushing her fingers along my stomach until we made it to the bedroom and I pinned her arms above her head.

I kissed her face and her neck concentrating on poring all of my love into this act.

She caressed my face as tears poured from her eyes.

I pulled back and straddling her waist, I sat up.

_"Are you okay Britt?"_

_"I'm just so happy."_

_"Me too, Britt Britt."_

She pulled me down and with her swift dancer's legs she rolled us over and was now straddling me.

This time she pinned my hands above me.

She made her way back down past my stomach, lifted my legs onto her shoulders and then slipped my panties off of me.

She looked down at me like I was her dessert.

She licked her lips and then leaned down and kissed me one more time before she made her way back down.

I felt her kiss on one thigh and then the other, she began to tease me by kissing everywhere but that sweet spot where I needed her.

* * *

><p><em>"Britt please?"<em> I begged, my whole body was sensitive to every action she made and I was becoming delirious.

She finally began to blow on the wetness that was dripping from me.

I let out a low moan as she began to lick and suck and touch me.

I felt her everywhere, it had never felt this amazing before.

She manipulated my body as I moaned and gripped the sheets.

_"Come for me babe."_ She said, I screamed out her name as I came undone.

I reached for her head as she kissed my thighs again.

I just needed her lips on mine more than anything else in the world.

_"Come up here Britt. Let me make love to you."_ s

She crawled up my body and lay down beside me.

I hugged her tight and pulled her into me.

I reached for her shirt but she pulled away.

_"It's okay Ana. I can't. You know I really want to but it's just that time for me."_ I nodded my head in understanding.

I pulled her close again and rubbed her back.

She buried her head into my chest and covered me with kisses.

Finally she came up to my face and kissed the tip of my nose.

I smiled and kissed her lips.

_"Okay rain check then, B?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Are you sleepy at all?"_

_"Nope, my mind is going crazy thinking about this tour and everything that it could mean for my career."_

_"Yea, I have been having similar thoughts but more about what it could mean for us."_

_"Are you sure that you are okay with me going away?"_

_"Yea. I will miss you like crazy but this is something huge, I'll manage."_

_"Yea but it's for a long time Ana. I mean crazy long, I talked to the choreographer this afternoon about the schedule."_

_"How long is long, exactly?"_

_"Three months in Europe, one month in Africa and Australia, two months in south America and then one month in Canada. After that we get to go home for six months before the US tour starts and that will be four months and then we end back in London for a few weeks."_

_"So seven months away, six months back, four and a half months away again? So the whole thing takes almost two years, from start to finish?"_

_"Yeah, but the great thing is that I get that six months and I added it up and I will be back for the baby's first birthday."_

_"Wow, at least we have that much right? What about practicing before the tour?"_

_"Oh yea, I will start that right after graduation in New York and then do that straight until we leave to start the tour in September. I will be there with you still, especially when you give birth in July."_

I nodded and I pulled her even tighter into me and just hummed to her as I began to cry.

This baby was turning me into a big cry baby.

I hated the vulnerable feeling that I felt.

If this is what it was like for Q then I need to buy her some flowers or something.

Britt held me as I cried into her chest.

Everything was hitting me all at once.

* * *

><p><em>"Baby love I know that this is bad timing. You have so much on your plate right now and I don't like being the one to add more to it. I'm here with you now, though. We will make the most of our time together. I will go to baby classes with you and help you shop and prepare for the baby and then when I come back from the tour the baby will be walking and will be able to be apart of our amazing wedding."<em>

_"Okay B."_

_"How's all that sound to you, babe?"_

_"It definitely sounds like a plan. "_

_"I love you babe!"_

_"I love you too, B."_

* * *

><p>I drifted off to sleep with Brittany holding me close.<p>

I knew that I loved her and that by letting her go off and spread her wings, she wouldn't feel like I trapped her at some point down the line.

I regretted having to climb out the bed in the middle of the night but my bladder wouldn't let me hold it until morning so I rushed as fast as I could to get back to the bed.

I climbed in and Britt sleepily pulled me back into her embrace. Just before I went back to sleep I felt my phone vibrate and I reached out for it.

When I saw the message it made me smile.

_**I'm glad that you have finally decided to let love in! Love u!-Q**_

I hope that if she walked in it was after the sex part because that would have been embarrassing but before I could run with that idea the phone buzzed again.

_**I just saw u sleeping in each others arms. Keep the love alive…don't sweat the small stuff. G'nite-Q **_

Let love in.

Quinn is always going on about the magic in love and in life until I feel like I will pass out from the sappiness.

But I was finally starting to understand what the heck she was talking about.

I knew that from now on, I was going to _try_ to let love in, I just hope that it doesn't turn on me, and make me regret that I opened the door.


	31. Chapter 31:Death and All of His Friends

**Chapter 31:Death and All of His Friends (Coldplay)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I knew that from now on, I was going to <strong>__**try**__** to let love in, I just hope that it doesn't turn on me, and make me regret that I opened the door.**_

* * *

><p>In movies funerals are always shot in gloomy cemeteries or everything is almost completely in gray and so in my mind that is how I pictured my father's funeral to be because my only point of references aside from television was my uncle Eddie's funeral when I was six and it had rained that day.<p>

The night before the funeral my sisters and I gathered at my father's house as we squared away all the arrangements. They kept going on and on about his will and kept speculating about how it would turn out. I tried not to seem interested because it seemed too soon to be imagining how rich we would all be once the will was read in a week. They were so anxious in fact that instead of flying back home after the funeral they planned to stick around.

I could see that Sandra was just humoring Brenda and Damariz as they made plans for the money that wasn't even theirs yet. I was still buzzing off the night that I had with Brittany so I tried to just stick to myself and not call any attention to myself. I knew that my father would be angry about all this and even though I knew on a conscious level that he could never touch me again, I still had a lingering fear.

* * *

><p>I had been sitting with Ceila and both fed up with all the talk we ended up leaving the room and going off to crack open the ice cream that I had brought over. I hadn't spent much time with her since that summer before her marathon so I thought that this was a good opportunity to see where she stood in all of this but she was faster than I was as always.<p>

_"So are you plotting on the old man's money too, Ana?"_ I paused just as I was about to put a heaping spoon of cherry vanilla in my mouth.

_"Nah. I'm the spoiled one remember? I have never lived without the means to survive like Brenda or been money hungry like Damariz. I just want to get out of Lima with my girlfriend and conquer the world."_

_"Hmmm…I think I can agree with that sentiment. My life in Chicago is good. I live free and happy, running my art studio without a care in the world. I have never really put much emphasis on a big bank account."_

_"Ahhh…right, you are Papi's flower child how could I forget!"_

_"Yes that is why he called me Florita…I'm going to miss him. I think only Sandra remembers because we are a bit older than the rest of you. He may have done it with you though since you grew up with him too. Papi used to sing us to bed at night and he would come up with these crazy songs that somehow made sense while including our_ names _and favorite whatever…color, book, best friend. It's the memory that I will hold on to tomorrow as we say goodbye."_

Celia quickly brushed a tear away before it could fall to her face. Even Celia, with all her peace and love had walls. It was a blessing and curse for the Lopez family.

_"Yea, Papi would do that for me too, up until I told him that I was pregnant. He had a great voice and that bed side manner that made him a good doctor helped soothe away some of my most terrible nightmares. I wish I could stop time right there and keep him the way he used to be with me. The last five years or so have been so volatile and damaging to our relationship. In the end he tried his best to fix it, little did we both know that there was no time for us to heal. I admit I felt a little bit relieved when I found out that he was gone."_ My sister raised an eyebrow and her eyes turned hard, _"I'm not glad he's dead by no means. I wanted him to be around forever. I ache inside just thinking that he will never meet my children or see me get married. I guess my relief had more to do with no longer needing to hide who I am or having to pretend to love Marco."_

Celia reached out and grabbed my hand and looked me deep in the eyes. She looked serious and creepy which are things I don't think I have ever seen on her face. I looked back and tried to lighten her up with a smile but she just squeezed my hand tighter.

_"Listen, a bit of advice. Don't ever repeat that to Brenda or Damariz…they have been jealous of you since before you were even born and they are basically looking for any crack in your walls. They love you because you are their blood but they will turn on you. Okay?"_ I nodded my head and pulled my hand away and then just like that she smiled at me sweetly and began to eat her ice cream. My family just gets weirder and weirder.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Hey, can you come stay with me?-Ana<em>**

**_Yea. Let me check brb-B_**

I sat anxiously and waited for a response. I really didn't want to be alone right now with my family especially after the creepy conversation that I had with my sister. I was hoping that B could come over.

**_Can u come get me?-B_**

**_Are you okay?-Ana_**

**_Can you hurry?-B_**

I climbed out of bed and threw on the first thing I could find and rushed out of the house. It seemed like something was up with Brittany. I ignored a few stop signs and red lights and made it there in record time. Brittany was sitting on her front steps with a bag thrown over her shoulder. When she climbed into my car she looked like a wounded puppy.

_"What is it B?"_

_"Just drive okay?"_ her voice was strained as she turned away from me. I could see her shoulders shaking as she looked out the window. I placed a hand on her thigh and I heard a low sob. Something was definitely wrong.

_"Are you alright Britt?"_

_"I'm fine."_ The tears were evident in her voice but I wasn't going to push it…she would open up when she was ready.

I pulled into the driveway and she just sat there and didn't move. I ended up having to walk around the car, open her door, grab her bag and then unbuckle her seat belt. She looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and I just smiled. I grabbed her hand and gave a light tug. 

_"Come on B, your baby is getting cold with me just standing out here."_

I winked at her and finally she gave a small smile. Before she stood completely she leaned into my stomach and kissed it. It was the only time that I would get to see her smile for the rest of the night. I kissed her head and helped her to stand. This wasn't my Britt and I need to figure out why.

* * *

><p>My old bedroom looked almost the same except the bed was different. I had taken the original one to my apartment and because my parents thought I should still have one just in case, they had actually had a new one put in here before their move to Atlanta. Another example of how abnormal my family can be.<p>

I quickly changed my clothes because I wasn't joking about freezing and I hadn't turned the heat on yet. Britt took her bag and left the room. I was really beginning to worry about her. I followed her out of the room and headed towards the bathroom, when I got there I heard the shower going and so I tried the door knob but it was locked. I stood there confused because she never locks doors, I gave up and just decided to head back to my room.

I figured that while I waited for her I would get myself ready for the morning. We were having a private viewing and mass for my father at 6 in the morning. My father would have hated to have to get up that early but he didn't have to worry about things like that anymore.

I pulled out a black dress that hugged my body but still had some taste. I had a lot of family coming into town from Puerto Rico and New York so I didn't want to be scandalous, in fact my mom had combed through my closet and this was what she approved of.

I laid out my clothes and my shoes and my eyeliner in my personal bathroom and stood back to look at it. Mami had asked that all of us girls not where a lot of makeup because she wanted us to be natural, so after struggling to find a way to doll myself up I just decided that I would put on my eye makeup and some lip gloss because I figured that was demure enough.

I was so grateful that I wasn't showing yet because I knew that even though I was married it would cause scandal with the family. Mami had even insisted that I wear my wedding ring despite me telling her about me and Brittany, so I put it on right then so that I wouldn't forget it in the morning. It felt like I had a shackle on my hand but I was doing this for family honor and for Papi.

I sat against my headboard playing Angry Birds and trying my best to wait for Britt but she still hadn't come out of the bathroom. I was about to go and get her when my door cracked open. Britt poked her head in and then quietly slipped inside shutting the door quietly behind her. I smiled at her and patted the bed beside me. She climbed in the bed but sat on almost the opposite edge than me.

_"Britt Britt, you are really starting to worry me."_ I gave her my hand and she looked down at it for a second before she took it in her own.

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Do you want to talk about it?"_ I slid closer to her but didn't go to close just in case space is what she needed. She nodded and let out a deep sigh.

_"I got my letter from Julliard today."_ I smiled and rubbed her hand.

_"And?"_

_"I got in."_

_"That's great Britt!"_ I said wrapping my arms around her.

_"I got a full scholarship even without the SAT scores."_

_"Wow! That's amazing!"_ she began to cry again and I just didn't understand.

_"It's my parents…they yelled at me."_ but B's parents never yelled, _"They told me that they worked so hard to save up money to send me to Julliard and that they had even taken out a second mortgage to keep me in dance classes. They knew that this was my dream since that trip we took to see my cousin perform there. So they did everything to make it happen and now I'm throwing it away for a tour."_

I nodded in understanding. She was torn almost as much as I was, if not more. She kept being forced to choose between a dream and reality. I wrapped my arms tighter and pulled her into me as she cried. I hurt for her.

_"I'm sure they mean well B. Getting a full scholarship to Julliard is an amazing gift and to them it is like watching you get everything you wanted and now they are thinking what happens after the tour when you get back."_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"Because that's what I have been thinking since I found out."_

_"So you agree with them?"_ she pulled away from me and squeezed her eyes shut.

_"No B. I agree with whatever you choose to do but that doesn't mean that I can't understand."_

_"I'm tired. Lets get some sleep."_

_"B?"_

_"I don't want to talk anymore, just hold me."_ I reached over and turned off the lamp and then wrapped my arms around her as she cried herself to sleep. I may have just made things worse.

* * *

><p>My alarm went off at 5 am but I had been up for at least an hour. I didn't trust that I would wake up with Britt still there so I forced myself up earlier. She still laid there curled in a ball hugging a pillow to her chest. I leaned in and kissed her neck and then ran my hand under her shirt. My hormones were up before I even was . She moaned in her sleep as I continued running my fingers up her stomach and brushed the underside of her breast. I was kneading her chest and kissing her neck deeply.<p>

_"Ssssss…uh…"_ Britt moaned out, she was definitely awake now.

_"Come take a shower with me B?"_ I asked and she just nodded her head. I pulled her up and then held onto her hand as we walked into my bathroom. I stripped her down and then she caressed me as she pulled my shirt over my head.

_"I'm sorry about last night."_ She mumbled.

_"Just let all the bad thoughts go today B. Today we just have to suspend reality and just breathe."_ She nodded as I planted a warm kiss on her lips and then leaned in and turned the shower on.

While we waited for the water to heat up I pulled her to the sink and handed her a spare toothbrush and we brushed our teeth together. Call me sappy but its things like this that make me smile, when we do simple things and I see Britt with no stress on her face it makes me think of the future, our future.

* * *

><p>We stood under the steaming water of the shower and I took the opportunity that I had while Britt was distracted and shoved her against the wall. She looked down at me in shock. <em>"Are you trying to top me?"<em> she chuckled.

_"Maybe."_ I said raising my eyebrow. _"I know I get all Bitch on the streets and femme in the sheets but B…I just want to love you."_

_"Yeah but that's the problem Ana…you always need to control things."_ She said as she ran her hands up my sides. _"I let you control our whole lives but this," _she kissed me just below my ear, _"And this,"_ she grazed her nails over my breasts. _"All of this…is mine to control!"_

Before I knew it I was facing the shower wall and she had her hand wrapped around me as she entered me with her fingers…how many, I couldn't tell. I rested my head against the wall as she leaned into me. _"MMm...ok...B."_

_"Besides, I know that you like it like this, don't you?"_ I moaned and pushed into her further.

_"Yessss."_ I hissed out. _"But what about you?"_ I whined.

_"You can deal with me in a minute but right now I need you to understand that you can't control this. Our love…all of it,"_ she said as she brushed my sweet spot, _"is best when you let me lead. So let me lead!"_ she bit down on my ear as I came undone. She stepped back as I tried to regain my bearings.

It was true that in this relationship giving up control had worked for us because when I controlled things I tended to screw them up and that's how she ended up with Artie and I ended up with Karofsky.

I finally turned to her and saw that she was busy washing her hair so before she could protest I dropped down to my knees and pulled her close until I was close enough to make sure that I wasn't the only one to have an orgasm this morning.

She stood there with her head thrown back and her soapy hands in my hair as I tried to show her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. How much I supported her. She came only a few moments later with tears in her eyes.

When I stood back up I could hear the alarm going off in the bedroom. Britt and I rushed through the shower and then she helped me to get dressed. She wouldn't be coming to the private viewing, instead she was going to take my car and pick up Q and NoNo while I rode in the limo with my family. This was going to be a hard day for me and I'm sure that it would only get harder next week when we read the will…much harder!

I zoned out as I sat in a pew with Sandra squeezing my hand and crying with everything she was worth. I was the only one there without a significant other. I felt lonely and just wanted to be with Brittany. I hated this whole thing.

* * *

><p>Apparently there is a Lopez family tradition where you go up to the front of the church and instead of talking to the other attendees you speak to the corpse. I think that its fucking morbid and archaic but I went along with it. I wouldn't be the one to dishonor my family today. I was on my very best behavior and was once again proving Q wrong and as far as I knew was coming off as a fabulous faker.<p>

My father looked like he was just sleeping. I brushed a hand over his smooth pepper colored hair and then leaned in and kissed his forehead before I knelt down on the bench in front of his casket. I didn't want anyone of my sisters in the front row to hear me so I used my raspy voice to my advantage and spoke in a low murmur.

_"Papi, this is not something I was prepared to do. I don't know how to do this….all the hard things in life you taught me how to get through them but this wasn't one of your lessons. I am going to stick to my goals and your dreams. I am going to Columbia and I'm going to become the best damn attorney in the country. I am going to congress or the bench and I am going to be someone! I promise. I didn't get to tell you about the baby and I'm sorry. It all got screwed up and I know you saw in the end what it was doing to me. I just wish that we had more time for you to help me fix this…but, this baby kept me from going to back to that stuff. I love this baby and I love you. I'm sorry for not being the daughter you saw me as. I am learning slowly but surely to love myself as much as you and Brittany and everyone does. It's too late to say Bendicion but I can say que Dios te bendiga. Te Amo Papi!"_

I kissed his face one last time and then I cried as I took one last look at my father. As I made my way back to the pew I saw Brenda shooting me a dirty look and remembered Celia's warning from last night. I suddenly felt like there was a great big target on my back. Was the grieving already finished…was I now competition to my own flesh and blood?


	32. Chapter 32:For the Love of the Money

**Chapter 32:For the Love of the Money (The O'Jays)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I suddenly felt like there was a great big target on my back. <strong>_

_**Was the grieving already finished…was I now competition to my own flesh and blood?**_

* * *

><p>Burying my father should have been the end of my mourning,<p>

But I couldn't fully heal because there was a storm brewing between my sisters and my mother.

It has never been a secret that for years Mami, Damariz and Brenda have just tolerated each other for my father's sake.

My mom and dad met at Columbia where she was a law student and he was a med student.

He had just had twin daughters, Brenda and Damariz, it had been his ex-wife's last ditch effort to fix their marriage.

They had married young after he got her pregnant with Sandra and then immediately after, with Celia.

His first wife was cheating on him a lot and it broke him and so he left her and took his two eldest daughters and moved to New York.

At first my father denied the twins because his wife had been messing around.

He didn't even see the twins until they were a couple months old because he couldn't really tell.

Mami tells me that I reminded him of his first wife and that's why he tried to punish me with his fists when he heard rumors around town.

He basically thought I was a whore.

In my opinion there is never an excuse but at least I know that there was a reason at least in his mind.

* * *

><p>I know that my sisters see my mom as a home wrecker but I know for a fact that she isn't that type of person.<p>

My father married my mother soon after she graduated from Columbia and then they had me.

My mom was the driving force behind my fathers success.

Papi's first wife had convinced him to quit med school but my mom stood by him and supported our family while he finished.

She worked as a lawyer and then when I was born she only maintained her license and worked from home as outside counsel for firms.

My mother was an angel to my father and I know that he loved her more than anyone or anything in the entire world.

* * *

><p>My eldest sisters, Sandra and Celia, saw how things really happened with their own eyes and always embraced me from afar.<p>

The two of them always showed respect for my mom but the youngest two always treated her rudely and spoke about me like I wasn't there.

To this day I don't like to be in a room alone with them for too long after they trapped me in the closet calling me garbage face when I was eight.

It wasn't until recent years, well since Papi's death that they started to see me differently.

Sandra tells me that I can trust my sisters but I know that this is the one thing that we can't agree on and I know that Celia agrees.

I know that Brenda and Damariz hold an extreme hatred for my mother and even though sometimes I can't stand the way my mother can be, she is still my mom.

I am her only child.

I am her flesh and blood and I won't stand by and let her be attacked by anyone.

* * *

><p>It had been a few weeks since my fathers burial and his lawyers had been contacting me almost daily.<p>

We had to postpone the reading of the will which annoyed the crap out of my sisters but some other things had to be settled first like buying my father's headstone.

And settling his estate.

When the lawyers contacted me, I figured that they had also been contacting my sisters as well.

When Sandra didn't mention anything about it when I asked, I knew something was up.

I finally got around to scheduling the reading of the will for the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Everyone had come together and decided that we were going to break bread together at the big house, my father's house.

I had even invited Q to dinner, since Britt would be in Chicago visiting family.

Things were seemed okay and I was really excited about that.

I had just hit twelve weeks and my belly was becoming rounded.

My morning sickness had passed and I was becoming a happy pregnant woman.

Go figure!

* * *

><p>We we were holding the reading of the will in my fathers study which still smelled of him, so much so that I half expected him to come walking through the door any second.<p>

I sat between Sandra and my mother on the sofa that faced the desk and my other sisters sat in the chairs surrounding us.

My father's lawyer, Salvatore, wasn't unfamiliar to me, he was the same man who bailed me out if jail and got my charges dropped when I crashed into town hall, drunk at 15 years old.

He hugged my mom and offered his condolences and then kissed my cheek and offered me the same.

But that was as far as his intimate greetings went.

He smiled at everyone else and then perched behind the desk and began shuffling papers.

I could tell that this action had set my sisters on edge because it solidified in their minds where they stood in comparison to me and my mother.

To them we were the people that he chose over raising them up.

I looked to Sandra and she offered me a small smile but I could tell that as the eldest she was trying to be as diplomatic as possible

_"We are here for the reading of the last will and testament of Aden Carlos Lop..."_ before he could finish his sentence the opened and in walked my husband in all his frigging pompous glory.

I hadn't seen Marco since that horrific night in September that had changed my life.

I squeezed Sandra's hand tightly as he leaned in to kiss my lips.

I don't think I can ever stress enough the power that Marco has over me.

I think it shocks most people, when they see how I become incapable of all actions and thought when he is in the room.

My mind just didn't work normally.

Even now.

I kissed his lips back and when he went to place a hand on my tiny baby bump, I let him.

He smiled at me and then proceeded to walk around the couch and stand directly behind me.

I felt insanely anxious as he rested his hands on my shoulders.

* * *

><p>Every few minutes he would squeeze my shoulders and each time it made me jump.<p>

Sandra kept shooting looks at me but I continued to smile and try to breathe deeply.

The reading of the will continued but it was hard for me to concentrate on anything but the hands that rested on my body.

Sandra nudged my side when I began to close my eyes and drift off.

It was as if something was taking over me, it was like Marco was possessing my soul and I was allowing him and embracing it for some reason.

I was startled back to reality after my sister nudged me to pay attention.

I looked up and realized everyone was staring at me and that I had missed something.

_"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"_ I said, clearly knowing that whatever I missed was something substantial.

_"Santana, your father has named you as the executor of his entire financial estate. He has placed a clause that allows you to distribute the money as you see fit but it's not a requirement."_

I sat wide eyed, feeling angry and stuck.

It would have been so easy to give it all to my mother but obviously that wasn't what Papi wanted.

Even in death he was creating a war.

_"Fuck..."_ I muttered under my breath.

This was not good.

* * *

><p>"<em>What was that Santana?"<em>

_"How much is the financial estate worth?"_

_"Well he has left his physical possessions to your mother and Sandra along with as his savings. His financial estate after your mother's share is worth 11.7 million dollars including his steadily growing investments."_

The room was in an immediate uproar.

I thought about how much my sisters Celia and Brenda were working their asses off to survive while me, Mami, Sandra, and Damariz were better off.

It just didn't seem fair.

_"Does that include my trust fund?"_

_"No as of your 18th birthday that money was transferred fully under your name."_

_"All of it? And now this inheritance? Did he say why?"_

_"No. I asked him to reconsider spreading the money more equally among his children but he insisted that this be the way that things happened."_

_"Was this will done recently?"_

_"October 1st, the day before he left for Atlanta."_

_"And I can do whatever want with it?"_

* * *

><p>He simply nodded.<p>

I dropped my head and closed my eyes searching for some answer.

My father was a calculating and frugal man, if he didn't divide this equally himself, there was a reason for it.

I was trying to do the math trying to figure out a way to split the money off, searching for a way to be fair to my sisters, when I heard the first strike against me.

_"See I told you Sandra! She is an ungrateful little bitch, all that money and she's upset about it!"_

Brenda was seething and frankly I didn't blame her even if her anger was misdirected.

I looked to Damariz who was staring daggers at me.

They were going to punish me for Papi's decision, here they were turning me just like Celia said they would.

I was beginning to get angry and I could just feel the bitter words behind my teeth but then Marco ran his fingers through the hair just above my neck and began to rub it softly.

A chill went through me.

That action meant more than I would ever admit out loud.

My whole body relaxed.

He had somehow discovered that spot on my neck one night when we were in bed and I was screaming out in pain.

I hated him for it usually but right now when it felt like the world was caving in over this money, I was somewhat grateful for it.

_"Don't attack Ana, she wouldn't just stand by and be selfish. You two never gave her a chance. She isn't the person that you think she is. She is our sister. Su Sangre!"_

Celia, the purest of us all, was standing up for me and backing me and it made me feel like I had another ally.

It was in that moment that I realized what it is about my sister I have always loved so much, she reminded me of Brittany especially right in that moment.

_"Can I talk to my wife alone a moment?"_ Marco said, lightly squeezing the back of my neck.

Despite the tension in the air everyone turned to him and in unison yelled out,

_"NO!"_

I smirked but then let out a yelp when I felt his hand squeeze the back of my neck a little two tightly.

I knew immediately that I would find a bruise there in the morning.

He was furious but after a moment he let go.

I leaned away from him immediately and rubbed at the back of my neck.

They were witnessing first hand the weakness that Marco brought out in me and it made me feel trapped and very small.

So before anyone else could say another word I jumped up and ran from the house.

* * *

><p>I needed to get away.<p>

I wished that I could go to Britt but I had to settle for Q.

Without looking back, I flew across the foyer and out the door.

When I made it to my car I flung the door open, jumped inside and pulled off the driveway.

I drove a block before I realized I didn't know where to go, where to seek comfort so I sat in my car with my doors locked and pulled out my phone.

_**SOS...Fuck, I need you Q!-S**_

_**What's wrong?-Q**_

_**Shit just got really bad, can I come over?-S**_

_**Yea, Judy just left.-Q**_

I said a prayer and then hit the gas.

I drove as fast as I could away from my sisters, Marco, and Mami.

My mother, who had sat there quiet as a church mouse allowing me to be attacked and very well saw Marco squeezing my neck, made me feel the worst.

* * *

><p>When I pulled up to Quinn's, she was standing on her steps waiting for me.<p>

She looked worried and I hated that I did that to her.

I pulled into the driveway, turned off my phone and then as soon as I stepped out of the car I found myself running straight up the steps and then I threw myself into Quinn's arms.

When I finally let go we walked inside and I saw that Rachel was sitting on the couch cross-legged with her nose deep in a book or at least that's how she was trying to appear.

She looked up at me in mock surprise and smiled.

_"Do you want me to go upstairs while you two talk?"_

_"It's fine Berry, I need all the advice I can get right now."_

I plopped down on the recliner and crossed my legs like Rachel.

Q went and sat next to her and then Rachel leaned her head on Q's shoulder while Q rested a hand on her lap.

They were cute together.

I had to admit that when I first heard they were doing it, I was grossed out but now that I could see how Rachel seemed to mellow out around Q and how Quinn seemed at peace for once, they were cute.

They were good for each other, even I could see that.

* * *

><p>Seeing them that close made me miss Britt even more.<p>

_"So they just read the will."_ I said as I kept my head in my hands staring down at my lap.

_"Was it bad? Was there a fight?"_ Quinn asked trying not sound too intrigued with my family drama but failing.

_"Yes and kinda."_

Quinn nodded for me to continue but my neck was starting to bug me so I rubbed at it a little too hard and flinched.

I went to speak again but Quinn had seen my pain and knowing my history she began to question it.

_"What's wrong with your neck?"_

_"It's nothing...Marco just-"_

_"Wait, what? Marco is in Lima?"_

Before I could respond she jumped up and came over to me and lifted my hair so she could see my neck.

By the sound of her gasp I could tell that the bruise was already appearing and then Rachel walked over and had the same reaction.

I didn't know what to do...I just felt numb and helpless.

_"Is it bad?"_

_"I'll go get you an ice pack."_

Rachel rushed from the room, frantically leaving me alone with you Q.

_"I just can't wrap my mind around how he could do this to you San."_

_"Yeah, me either."_

* * *

><p>Rachel came back into the room looking insanely scared.<p>

I tried to smile but she lowered her eyes and then she placed the ice pack on my neck and I sighed in relief.

Frankly, I hadn't realized just how much my neck was hurting.

I kept my head down and squeezed my eyes shut trying to block out my reality.

I felt Quinn rubbing my legs and so I opened my eyes and looked down at her as she was kneeling in front of me.

She was sad so I tried to smile again but she saw the part of me that was broken.

And in that moment as I looked into my best friend's eyes, I broke completely.

I dug the heels of my palms in my eyes and threw myself back onto the recliner and then mumbled through my tears.

_"He left all of the money to me. Every cent. Now my sisters hate me!"_

_"Wow."_

_"Yep. I have every intention of sharing it, I mean there is enough to around but then Brenda called me out just like the bitch that she is. Marco showed up acting like a loving husband until everyone refused to allow him to be alone with me and then he did this. It just seems like I can never fucking win with these people, I am just so damn tired."_

_"I know honey, I know."_ Quinn said as she pulled my hands from my face and held them.

* * *

><p>"<em>If you don't mind me asking, Santana, how much money is it, I mean how much money does it take for your own sisters to turn on you?"<em> Rachel asked.

It didn't even phase me that she had the balls to ask.

_"Almost 12 million but I'm convinced they would have done it for free."_

I watched as their jaws practically hit the floor.

I knew that it was a lot of money and that I should help my sisters but I didn't think splitting it evenly was fair, it couldn't be.

My father obviously didn't think so either or he would have done that in the first place.

Quinn wiped my tears and brushed my hair back before she planted a kiss on my forehead.

_"And yet here you are still thinking about how to help them."_

Have I ever said how much I love her?

She looked up at Rachel and then angled her head toward the steps, needing no additional instruction, Rachel quickly grabbed her book and headed up the stairs.

* * *

><p>Once Quinn was sure that Rachel was out of earshot she pushed me over and squeezed into the recliner with me pushing it back and raising our feet from the ground in the process.<p>

She put her arm around me and allowed me to rest my head on her shoulder.

_"You didn't have to send her away."_

_"Yea, I did. I know how private you are and this is something that I would keep very quiet if I were you. Rachel won't say anything but the less she knows the better."_

_"Okay...that's kind of rude."_

_"No, its honest and that's why both of you love me. Besides, I think she understood that she was in best friend territory. No worries."_

_"Okay so what do I do?"_

_"Listen San, this situation sucks and I'm sure that your dad probably didn't think you would have to deal with this right now. But obviously that didn't happen, so this is what you do. You make sure that you and this baby are taken care of. You do everything that you need to do to set yourself up for the future. When you are done doing that, you get those bitches together and you ask them straight up what their financial need is. Say Brenda says she is 100 grand in debt give her 500. Let them know you will help them get comfortable but that you aren't going to just hand it all over. They are going to be bitter no matter what but that isn't your problem. I can tell you now that Sandra isn't going to take a cent and Damariz really shouldn't because that chick has money of her own. So you take care of Brenda and then Celia, she will take whatever you give her with humility."_

* * *

><p>I thought about it and considered it but it just seemed like I was playing God over their futures or something so I just decided to think like Britt, simple and straight forward.<p>

_"You know, Q, I think I'm going to just give them each a million and call it a day. That still leaves me with my trust fund and 8 million."_

_"That sounds like a plan, too."_

_"Papi obviously wanted me to keep them from mooching off his money so...I will do what he wants."_

_"I'm sure you will do what you think is right for everyone."_

_"Thanks for your help Q."_

After our deep heart to heart, we ordered a pizza and watched movies until late that evening.

It was a good distraction and I needed it after the bullshit from my sisters.

But reality can only be ignored for so long and I knew that my sisters were waiting.

I could be bitch and just say fuck them and walk away but I know in my heart that they would just make my life a living hell so I had play this cool and quick.

As I drove back home, I knew that this could make or break my relationship with my sisters and that I needed to make a decision soon and stick with it.

I just hope that I make the right one.

But you know what they say,

You try to please everyone and you please no one at all.


	33. Chapter 33:Kiss With A Fist

**Chapter 33: Kiss With A Fist (Florence & The Machine)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I just hope that I make the right one but you know what they say, <strong>_

_**You try to please everyone and you please no one at all.**_

* * *

><p>I drove around for awhile after I left Quinn's, feeling good about what I needed to do.<p>

I got home pretty late feeling spent but I was settled on my decision.

My body was tired and I just wanted to lie in my bed and sleep away all the drama forever.

As I parked my car my phone began buzzing.

_"Hey B!"_ I said excited that she was finally calling.

_"Hi Ana, what are you doing? I called earlier but you didn't answer."_

_"Ugh…I had my phone on silent it has been rough day. I can't wait for you to get back. What are you doing right now?"_

_"On the road with my cousin just driving, I wanted to hear your voice. What are you doing?"_

_"Just getting home, I'm going to shower and then when you get in you can call me?"_ I asked.

I was feeling a million times better as I climbed the steps to my second floor apartment.

I saw him before he saw me and so I had a moment to school my expression.

_"Okay, B…I have to go now. Call me okay?"_

_"Oh…alright. I love you!"_

_"I love you too Britt…always and only you!"_ I said aloud not caring who heard me.

* * *

><p>When I finally made it down the hallway to my doorway, Marco stood there waiting for me.<p>

I smiled at him and then put my phone in my pocket.

I knew that he heard me and I knew that he was angry about it but right then I just felt so content that I didn't have the time or energy to be afraid him.

Honestly, I had imagined this moment for months, this is the first time that we would be alone together since that night he almost killed me,

But I wasn't nervous or frightened.

Really, I felt confident in who I was and what I would tolerate.

I moved past him and opened my door and when I was fully inside, I held the door open for him.

He seemed surprised that I let him in knowing that he was pissed but I had balls today, apparently.

When I closed the door behind him I took a deep breath and then turned around.

I didn't see it coming but I should have.

As I turned around, his fist collided with the side of my face and it felt like he had broken my cheek.

My balance thanks to Cheerios was back in full form, so I lunged at him landing a few punches to his face.

There was no way he could get me down so easily because he wasn't getting away with it this time, at least not without feeling some pain too.

I landed a knee right against his balls and he staggered backwards.

While he was trying to recover, I leaned across the kitchen counter and grabbed a knife.

He finally came towards me but I held the knife tighter and pushed it against his neck, I pressed down drawing a little blood.

He seemed honestly frightened and it gave me a rush.

* * *

><p><em>"Don't you ever put your hands on me again, got it motherfucker?"<em> I said through clenched teeth since my face was exploding in pain.

I squinted with my one eye closed just to relieve some of the pressure from the swelling.

He held his hands up in surrender and I pulled back just a little bit.

He stepped back and sat down in the sofa.

_"I see you got your claws back, Santana. "_

_"Are you going to keep your fucking hands to yourself?"_

_"This is an interesting dynamic don't you think, love?"_

_"Answer my question or get the fuck out!"_ I screamed at him.

_"Okay, okay! I won't touch you."_

_"What is it that you want? Why are you here?"_

_"I wanted to see my wife."_

_"Well, I don't want to see you."_

_"But you're still my wife."_

_"Not for long."_

_"No? Why not? Your fucking father can't threaten me from the grave. I'm free and clear to beat you until I cum myself."_

_"Gross."_

_"You know you want me. That blonde bitch has nothing on me!"_

_"Oh please, you have less game then a four eyed cripple! Now tell me Marco, What the fuck do you want?"_ I said as I stood over him placing the knife against his jugular and digging it in.

He kept swallowing as I had my fun and then he caught my eyes and stared me down.

That look was one of warning, one that I got to know very well while we were in New York.

I faltered and stepped back a second.

_"Good girl."_ He said as he rubbed his neck and I cringed.

_"Out with it already."_ I said regaining my composure.

_"Is it my baby?"_

_"Maybe."_

_"What is that? What the fuck does maybe mean? Who else is there other than that Mohawked Jew that knocked up Lucy?"_

_"Azimio Adams and Ian Perkins."_

_"Wow, got a thing for athletes? Not a man among them."_

_"Yep, including you Marco."_

He balled up his fists but kept them resting on his knees.

I looked down at him and smiled at him, happy that in some small way, I had finally gotten under his skin but it didn't last long.

* * *

><p>He gave me that warning look again and then he smiled back at me and sat back putting his hands behind his head, stretched his legs out and crossed his ankles out in front of him<p>

_"Oh yeah, how could I forget, let me be the first to congratulate you by the way..."_

_"On the baby?"_

I was confused with what he was talking about.

I hated when he came from left field with shit.

He was like a snake, he would lull you into a false sense of security and then when you thought you had the upper hand he would strike.

_"No, on your acceptance to Columbia."_

_"How do you know that I was accepted?"_

I hadn't heard anything from them yet so this was news to me.

_"Haven't you been checking your mail?"_

He had a smug look on his face as I shook my head.

* * *

><p>Truthfully, I hadn't been really been paying attention to much other than the basics.<p>

And I have been so busy juggling my hormones, Brittany, and my grades.

I had been doing just enough to get by, I had even managed to avoid meeting with Sue outside of Cheerios practice and most people have been leaving me be because they chalked my silences up to grieving.

So, I shook my head again and then walked backwards into the dining room.

I had been throwing my mail into a box on my computer table that sat beside of my laptop, so unless I sat there I wasn't going to see it.

Looking now, I had a decent sized stack of envelopes that I had been neglecting.

I rifled through them until I saw the blue and white packet and a small envelope both with the Columbia logo them.

Keeping an eye on him, I used the knife and to open the packet first and then I pulled out my early admissions letter of acceptance.

It was always my fathers dream for me to follow in his footsteps and now I would get the chance.

Marco was lingering as if he was waiting for something.

That smug look had yet to leave his face.

I looked up at him and then opened the small letter guessing that whatever it was he was smug about was in there.

The letter was on the standard Columbia letterhead and had an embossed lion next to my name.

I smiled with pride.

The letter was offering me an internship working in the mayor's office at the start of the semester.

I was so excited until I saw the name at the bottom, Mr. Jeffry Evans.

I threw the paper down on the table and turned to Marco who was now standing over me with the knife that I had placed down in a moment of shock.

* * *

><p>He wrapped his left hand around my neck and then shoved me against the wall.<p>

As an immediate reflex my hands flew to protect my stomach and my eyes squeezed shut.

I was praying out loud hoping that he would let me go but he just pushed me harder.

At least, he was letting me breathe this time, which was nice of him.

I looked up at him refusing to cry.

He smiled even bigger and that smug look now was morphed into a snarl.

_"Did you really think I would be okay with you pulling a knife on me and then just be able to leave here, peacefully?"_

He squeezed my neck tighter and began to run the tip of the knife up and down the side of my face.

Terrified as I was, I wasn't going to be backing down.

I looked him straight in the eye and leaned my face into the knife.

I glared at him and then, when I felt like I had enough air, I looked him dead in the eye and yelled,

_"If you're really going to do something just fucking do it already, Marco!"_

* * *

><p>He wasn't expecting my defiance and so he flinched and hesitated, giving me just enough time to shove him backwards and make a break for the door.<p>

I was so thankful that I hadn't had the time to take off my jacket and that my car keys were still in my pocket because I didn't have time to look back.

When I threw open the door and ran, I ran straight into another body.

I could feel Marco behind me as I fell backwards onto my ass, my head bumping into his legs.

Gripping my stomach, I suddenly was really grateful for the carpet.

I looked up to see who was standing there and I saw Brittany with a face of shock glancing between me and Marco.

_"Ana, are you alright?"_ she leaned over and helped me up.

I wrapped my arms around her neck and hung on for dear life, this was better than running away.

Marco only had the balls to fuck with me when no one was watching.

I was safe again.

As she was rubbing at my back, I heard her speaking to Marco over my shoulder.

_"I think you should leave before I call the cops or kick your ass myself."_

Almost immediately, I felt Marco push past us and slam the door.

I still had my face buried in Britt's shoulder and I was afraid to move.

When she felt my shaking increase, she hugged me even tighter.

Britt continued to rub my back and allowed me to seek her comfort even with the way things were between us.

She just stood there, for as long as I needed.

B was a God send and I felt so happy that she was here.

* * *

><p>After awhile I pulled away and looked up into her eyes, ready to show her my gratitude but then she looked down at my face in horror and all my gratitude faded.<p>

I turned away from her and stormed to my bedroom, finally feeling anger again.

Even now, Marco was stealing my moments away.

I stood in my vanity mirror and looked at my reflection.

Fucking snake.

My cheek was quickly turning a deep shade of purple and when I lifted my chin I could see equally dark hand prints forming on my neck.

_"Fuck!"_ My voice was strained.

I was just so fucking tired of this shit.

Britt came up behind me and put her hands on my shoulders and I flinched in pain.

I hadn't even checked on those bruises yet.

Pain shooting through my neck and shoulders caused me to shrug her hands off my shoulders quickly,

_"Britt don't."_ I whispered as I leaned in to inspect my face further.

Trying my best to be nonchalant.

But she wouldn't play along.

* * *

><p><em>"I need you to let me see, take your shirt off please?"<em> she whispered at my back.

_"Don't think you can come in here making demands."_ I said looking at her through the mirror.

_"I'm asking because I'm concerned Ana. Please?"_

_"No."_

_"Okay maybe later then."_ She said staring back at my reflection.

_"Why are you here, B? You are supposed to be in Chicago with your family."_

_"Charley and I took the car and we came back here. I needed to be with you. So I had her drop me off."_

_"Why? Tell me the real reason that you are here!"_

I was becoming desperate.

There was no way in my mind, that I could understand why her parents would allow her and Charley to make a five hour drive alone just because she wanted to be with me.

_"Can we talk about it later just let me take care-"_ She had placed her hands on my hips and I felt trapped.

_"No. I don't want you to take care of me right now. I want you to tell me why the fuck you suddenly felt the need to be with me?"_

I still wasn't looking at her, instead I was playing with things on my dresser.

* * *

><p>Her eyes began to water, I know that she hates when I scream at her but I was on edge.<p>

She let go of my hips and walked to the bed but I still hadn't turned around.

I was watching her though as she plopped down on the side of the bed and looked at me for a moment before releasing a pained sigh.

_"I'm getting on a plane tomorrow night. I'm headed to New York. The head choreographer is doing a workshop starting Friday straight through the New Year. I will be back after Christmas break."_

_"What?!"_ my scream made her jump.

I turned my eyes from her and lifted my left hand and punched straight at my mirror. _"Fuck!"_

The pain shot up my arm and my hand was instantly covered in blood.

Britt jumped up from the bed, came over to me as I leaned over my dresser clenching my hand to my chest and grabbed my hips spinning me around trying to see the damage.

_"No, get the fuck off me!"_ I planted my hands on her shoulders and I pushed at her. I had shoved her harder then I intended and she flew backwards, hitting her head on the bedpost and falling to the floor unconscious._ "Shit! Brittany?"_

I rushed over and knelt beside her and kept calling out her name but she wasn't responding.

I reached my good hand into my pocket and then called Quinn.

_"Hello?"_

_"Fuck, Quinn I need you to get over here it's an emergency!"_

_"What happened?"_

_"Just get here please!"_

* * *

><p>I was crying and pleading as I hung up the phone and checked Britt's pulse.<p>

It was steady…thank God!

I was hunched over Britt crying out her name when I heard Quinn open the front door and call out to me.

_"San?"_

_"In here!"_ I screamed,

She came rushing in to my bed room, took one look around and then the moment Quinn saw us she flew into action.

_"Rachel get in here!"_ she called out and between the two of them they managed to carry Britt out to the car.

I quickly grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my aching fist,

Shit just went from bad to worse.


	34. Chapter 34:Hot N Cold

**Chapter 34: Hot N Cold (Katy Perry)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I quickly grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my aching fist, shit just went from bad to worse.<strong>_

* * *

><p>On our way to the hospital, I called Dr. Jindahl and asked him to meet us in the ER,<p>

Luckily for me, he was on duty already.

When we got to the hospital they put B on a stretcher and wheeled her away immediately but I had to wait to be seen.

As I sat there, thinking over what I happened, I felt like complete and utter shit.

I knew that I had fucked up and I should have just let her look after me.

How could I be so stupid?

I knew that she was already at war with herself over going on this tour and I had done nothing but make it worse.

I kept pacing back and forth until I felt a tap on my shoulder, I had never been happier to see my father's old colleague.

_"Why don't you come to triage with me so we can look at that hand."_

_"Ok."_

_"And those bruises."_

I dropped my head, feeling ashamed of the way that I looked and of course, for what I had just done to Britt.

How could I even think to put my hands on her like that?

I was no better than Marco or my father.

I was the one beating me up this time and I knew that it was what I deserved.

* * *

><p>When Dr. Jindahl placed a hand on my arm and I looked up at him with tears in my eyes, he smiled softly at me.<p>

_"It's going to be alright Santana."_ he smiled sweetly and I attempted to smile back but a sharp pain suddenly shot up my lower back and I ended up hunched over leaning on my knees trying to breathe through the pain.

Dr. Jindahl called for a wheelchair and I was quickly ushered into it.

When we got into an exam room, I climbed up onto the bed and sat back against the pillows.

The pain had eased when I sat in the wheelchair so I was probably just sore from all the action from earlier.

I sat there thinking about how pitiful I felt and how I just wanted to be on my knees begging Britt to forgive me.

I was just so ashamed of myself.

* * *

><p>I was snapped out of my thoughts when the doctor began to fluff up the pillows and then he began to place them behind my neck and back.<p>

I didn't feel like I deserved to be taken care of like this, it was my fault that I was here in the first place.

I was certain that Marco had never felt this bad after he lashed out at me,

But for me, I felt like the worst person on the planet.

I knew that I was making myself miserable.

I was fighting tears and I found it hard to focus as Dr. Jindahl was talking to me but then he raised my clenched fist and placed it on a metal tray and the pain immediately hit me.

Suddenly, pity was too time consuming as the pain took over.

_"Shit. Is there something that you can give me for the pain, doc?"_

_"Just regular Tylenol."_

_"But I'm allergic."_

_"Then, no, not while you are pregnant."_

_"Fuck."_

_"Alright Santana, open your hand up for me."_

I placed my hand down and tried to stretch it out but I couldn't.

_"This is all I can do..."_ I said with tears in my eyes.

I was only able to stretch out my thumb and even that was insanely painful.

_"Mmmm...what did you punch?"_

_"A mirror."_

_"The Lopez temper, I'm familiar."_ He chuckled to himself until I looked at him and he just shrugged his shoulders. _"I am going to get your hand cleaned up so that I can better see what we are dealing with, ok?"_

_"Okay, do you think that it's broken?"_

_"I can't say without an x-ray but it's entirely possible."_

_"Okay, so give me the x-ray."_

_"We can't do that."_

_"Because I'm pregnant?"_

_"Exactly."_

_"So what now?"_

_"It depends on how much pain you can take. We are going to have to do surgery and unless you want to be awake you are just going to have to wear a brace and a sling until then."_

_"You're kidding right?"_

_"Unfortunately not."_

_"Damn."_

_"Let me clean you up and see what we are looking at before we talk about your options. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

><p>After watching shards of glass being taken out of my hand and getting cleaned up, I realized that I had made some serious damage to my primary hand and would probably be fucking useless for a while.<p>

This was the second time that I had to deal with this hand being broken...and this time it was all my fault.

How had I been so stupid?

All of the blood came from a split down my hand and across my knuckles, where I had sliced almost down to the bone.

_"Just do it, please. I want you to just cut open my hand and fix whatever you need to fix and then stitch it back up, okay?"_

_"That is highly unorthodox, Mrs. Vega."_

_"You are my doctor...please stop calling me that!"_

_"I'm sorry...Santana...that isn't going to be an easy thing to sit through."_

_"I don't fucking care, okay? I can't walk around like this for the next seven months!"_

I was starting to get hysterical.

_"Let me call in a technician to check on your hand okay?"_

_"Thank you!"_

He left the room looking flustered but I didn't fucking care this hurt and he seemed terrified to do anything to help me.

As I got angry I felt my hand start to bleed again.

_"Doc?!"_ It had been a little too long for me to be bleeding this heavy, so I started banging on the nurse button with my right hand. _"Papi…I need Papi!"_

* * *

><p>I saw the door crack open and in walked my sisters with my mom.<p>

The moment that Damariz saw me she rushed over.

_"Did they just leave you here, bleeding like this?"_

_"Yes…Mari, they won't fucking do anything cuz I'm fucking knocked up but…they think it's broken!"_ I whined.

_"Okay, I'm here now. Can one of you find me the doctor on call please? As a matter of fact you can all just go, I've got this."_

My family looked stunned but then walked out of the room and left me alone with Damariz.

In this moment she was acting like our father._  
><em>

_"Thanks Mari. How did you guys find that out I was here?"_

_"Your friend Rachel called us. We rushed right over. So you want to tell me how you did this?"_

_"I punched my mirror."_

_"Well that was stupid. Can you open up your hand for me?"_

_"No and it fucking hurts and I'm allergic to Tylenol. "_

_"You have to try and calm down…the more worked up that you get, the more you bleed out. They should be able to x-ray your hand if they do it carefully. I'm going to go talk to them. I will be right back, I promise."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

><p>At some point in my hysteria I fell asleep.<p>

The pain dulled and I was grateful that I had been so tired because I was deep into my dreams.

I kept replaying what had happened at the apartment and I kept dissecting what had made me lash out at Britt like that.

It all came back to me just taking out my anger with Marco out on her, which was something I never wanted to do.

When I woke up, I was in a different room dressed in my pajamas.

I was laying in a hospital bed with my arm propped up in a sling and wrapped tight in a black cast.

Had I been asleep that long?

My whole arm felt heavy and stung but it didn't hurt as much as before.

_"You're awake…"_ A raspy voice said from right next to me.

I turned to my right and I saw Quinn sitting at my bedside.

She looked exhausted and pale as she pulled her chair closer to my bed.

* * *

><p><em>"What happened? How long was I out?"<em>

_"A few hours, your sister really came through for you. I think she scared the crap out of the doctors, it was almost like your dad was walking around again."_ She grimaced but I knew what she meant, _"Sorry. She found an anesthesia that was safe for you and when you were asleep she put you under. Then they reset your hand. You broke three bones and have a crap load of stitches. They put a cast on you and I insisted that they make it black because I knew that was what you would want."_

_"Thanks. How's Britt?"_

_"She's okay. She has a concussion so they have her under observation and she had to get stitches above her eye. The doctors said an inch or two lower and she might have been blinded."_

_"Fuck…I'm so stupid."_ I said closing my eyes and leaning back into my pillows.

_"Do you want to tell me what happened?"_

_"Britt didn't tell you?"_

_"She told me something that seemed amazingly like a lie. I know that she doesn't lie and when she does she doesn't do it very well. So tell me…did you hit her?"_

_"What? No. I didn't."_

_"So, she really just slipped on your carpeted floor and fell? That's bullshit, Santana and you know it!"_

_"Can we talk about this later? I am in so much pain right now and don't have the energy to argue with you."_

_"Fine…but we will talk about this. I am going to go be a good friend and clean up your apartment with your mom. Then when I come pick you up in the morning…I want the full story. Got it?"_

_"Yes. Is she still here?"_

_"Yea she's on the other side of that curtain sleeping. Like I said your sister pulled some strings."_

_"Can…can you pull it back so I can see her?"_

_"I don't know if you deserve to see her."_

_"That's not for you to decide, Quinn!"_ Brittany's voice came through strong from the other side of the room.

Quinn went around the curtain and tried to talk quietly but I could hear her fucking perfect.

_"If she hurt you Britt…she doesn't deserve to even be in the same room with you. I'm just trying to protect you sweetie."_

_"I don't need to be protected from Santana."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes, now pull back the fucking curtain and go…please?"_

_"Fine."_

* * *

><p>After Quinn left, I looked across at Britt.<p>

She had a bruise around the top of her left eye and a bandage covering her stitches.

I was so sorry but I couldn't get the words to pass my lips.

We stared at each other for so long that when she spoke it made me jump a bit in surprise.

_"I called my mom and had her arrange my flight for the morning. I am leaving at eight."_

_"Okay."_

I turned my eyes from her and looked up at the ceiling.

She was in the hospital because of me and that's the first thing that she says.

Great.

_"I think we need a break, Ana."_

_"Okay."_ I said fighting off the tears.

This is what I had expected.

And I wouldn't fight her on it.

_"Not forever just for a little while. Maybe I should just go back to being your best friend until you are done with Marco for good."_

_"I am done with Marco."_

_"Right." _She whispered with a sad look in her eyes.

_"I am!"_

_"Goodnight, Ana."_

She closed her eyes and I felt my throat close up as the tears threatened to come down.

_"B?" _I whispered.

She turned her eyes back to me and looked at me with cold eyes.

_"Yea?"_

_"I am done with him."_

_"How did he get into your apartment, then?"_

_"I let him in."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I thought that I could control the situation."_

_"And we are back to your control issues."_

_"Well can you fucking blame me, Britt?"_

_"Goodnight."_

_"Fine…goodnight!"_

_"I love you, Santana."_

_"Fuck you, Brittany."_


	35. Chapter 35:Blame Game

**Chapter 35: Blame Game (Kanye West)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>"Fuck you, Brittany."<strong>_

* * *

><p>The next morning when I woke up and looked across the room, the bed that Britt was laying in was empty and made up fresh.<p>

Britt was already gone.

My face fell and my heart stopped but then I sucked it up.

This was for the best.

Good for her...

Who the fuck am I trying to kid, this was horrible but she just got there first.

I would probably have avoided her until she left any way.

The sun coming in through the window was still light so I knew that it had to still be pretty early.

There was a knock at my door and in came my sisters with my mom.

I attempted to sit up but there was more pain then I could deal with at the moment.

I laid still and just waited for them to come to me.

Damariz gave me a once over and then adjusted my bed a bit so that I could sit up.

_"For someone who has been in this hospital three times in the last three months you would think that I would know how to do that by now." _I joked.

No one laughed.

* * *

><p><em>"Mi'ja…what happened to you? To Brittany?" <em>

I sighed and looked into my mother's bloodshot eyes and knew that this wasn't the time for jokes because she was truly concerned.

_"Marco paid me a visit last night and he roughed me up a bit but I got some good hits in too. Then Britt came and made him leave and then I snapped and I punched my mirror and she got in my way and I pushed her away and she fell into the bedpost." _

_"I knew it! I knew that you had something to do with it!" _Quinn said as she shut the door behind her.

I dropped my head and tried to avoid her eyes.

This was embarrassing.

She sat on the empty hospital bed next to Sandra and glared at me.

I looked around at my family and I could see that they were all disappointed in me.

_"It was an accident Mami. I'm not like Marco…not like Papi." _I said looking at my mom who had tears in her eyes.

_"I don't know, Santana." _

Full name…I can count on one hand the amount of times that my mom has called me by it.

_"Well we broke up so you don't have to worry about me hurting her anymore, Quinn."_

_"I know."_

* * *

><p>The room got quiet and then I got sick of it, I decided to change the subject.<p>

_"Where's Brenda?"_

_"She is back in L.A."_ Damariz said.

_"Why?"_

_"She left after you did. She is pretty pissed off."_ Celia said pushing my hair from my face.

_"I wasn't going to keep any money from her, from any of you."_

_"Well you can keep my share of whatever you were planning on giving me because I'm good. Okay?"_

Sandra smiled as she leaned back on the bed where Britt had been just a few hours before.

_"Me either, I don't need a penny. But Brenda…she has it pretty hard. She has the four kids, her husband died in Iraq, and I know for a fact that she struggles to put food on her table. Coming here twice really broke the bank. So even if she is a bitch to you, I can see why she is so upset. I try to help her out the best that I can but she doesn't like to borrow anything, so this money would have been hers fair and square. It could set her up for life."_ Damariz said.

_"I know what she has been through, despite it not being reciprocal I have kept up with every single one of you. I have sent my nephews that I have never even met a birthday present ever since they were born…does she think about that when she calls me selfish?"_

_"Ana, I think that she was out of line yesterday and just like you with Brittany last night, her anger was misplaced."_

Celia had hit me where it hurt and I was immediately quiet.

_"Well, I made my decision yesterday. I want to settle this now so that we can go back home and have a peaceful Thanksgiving dinner. So Mari can you call her and put her on speaker phone, please?"_

* * *

><p>Everyone gathered around closer to my bed and we listened as Brenda answered the phone.<p>

I could hear her kids in the background laughing and it made me smile.

_"Hello Mari."_

_"Hey Bren? It's Santana."_

_"Oh...hi."_

_"Look, I want to apologize for making you think that I don't care about what happens with you or the kids. I love you guys and I think it's pretty fucked up that Papi decided to do this...I hate it almost as much as you do. I made a decision yesterday and I have all the girls here so I wanted to square it away and not wait any longer. Is that okay?"_

_"Um…okay...go ahead?"_ she said sounding unsure.

_"Hey Bren…its Mari, lets just hear her out okay?"_

_"Okay…fine, say what you have to say, Santana."_

_"So after talking to the ladies here Sandra and Damariz are forfeiting their shares so I am awarding Celia two million, one to open that amazing art gallery she wants to buy and one for herself and for you Brenda, I am awarding you four million, one for you and one for each of the boys. I am going to meet with the lawyer this week, so you should have your share before Christmas. I'm still here if you need me always. I love you guys."_

_"Thank you Santana. That is very big of you."_

_"No, thank you for hearing me out, I love you. Kisses to my sobrinos!"_

_"Bye Bren! Happy Thanksgiving!"_ Damariz yelled out.

My other sisters followed up with similar sentiments.

* * *

><p>Once I settled the money issue the tension between my sisters seemed to ease.<p>

Now all I needed to worry about was how to fix the other fucked up shit in my life.

I couldn't have my baby coming into this world with all this crazy stuff going on and with me in and out of the hospital constantly.

My family left to go prepare Thanksgiving dinner while Quinn stuck around and helped me get dressed.

_"So what happens next with you and B?"_

_"Nothing, she broke it off...we're done."_

_"She told me that she asked for a break…that this isn't a break up."_

_"Well to me it is. Santana Lopez is in it for the long haul, I don't do breaks."_

_"Come on, San…don't get all resentful."_

_"Fuck that, I was committed and cemented in this relationship, no matter what and she breaks up with me like nothing, why shouldn't I be resentful?"_

_"It's a break."_

_"Yea BREAK up!"_

* * *

><p>We rode to my mother's house in silence.<p>

I was going to be staying there until my cast was off because I didn't really know how to do shit with my right hand.

Quinn, meanwhile seemed to be torn between me and Britt and didn't know what to do about it.

"_You don't have to choose you know."_

_"Yea…I know."_

_"You can be her friend. This doesn't change anything."_

_"I know…she told me the same thing when I took her to the airport this morning."_

_"So you took her?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Was she upset?"_

_"Yes, she cried the whole time but what do you care. It's over, right?"_

_"She is still my best friend, Quinn."_

_"Well fucking act like it, Santana."_

_"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"_

_"You know what it means. She told me what you said to her last night when she told you that she loved you."_

_"Yea…so."_

_"You hadn't been bitch enough to her? Did you see her face? She has to go to her first practice ever with a bruise on her face and stitches above her eye. You don't think that sucks for her?"_

_"Have you seen my fucking face lately, Q? No…how about my neck?"_

_"This is different and you know it. You don't love Marco but you love Britt and she loves you. This is worse I don't care if it's three stitches or ten thousand."_

_"Fine. You're right Q."_

_"I am right."_

_"Just let me know…are you and I going to be like this now? Instead of you on my side you are just going to continuously make me feel guilty? If that is how this is going to be I would rather we just take a break from you too."_

_"You don't mean that."_ She said as she pulled into my driveway.

_"Yes the fuck I do."_

* * *

><p><em>"I'm just going to ignore your shitty attitude and just remember that you are in pain without painkillers. It is just the pain talking. You can't get rid of me as easy as you did with Britt."<em>

_"Yea…I know. Let's go throw on some sweats and watch some football, okay?"_ I said as we climbed out the car.

_"Cheerleader, much?_

_"Once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader!" _I said, pumping my right fist in the air._ "I may even still have some spare pompoms."_

Thanksgiving dinner went off without a bit of drama and even though we were on a supposed break, I had a bunch of missed calls and texts from B that I left unanswered.

It had to be like ripping off a band-aid for me, I couldn't ease into a break.

I refused to.

I had more important things to be concerned with, like my health.

I had been put on bed rest because of all the back pain and I was taking it literally.

I felt drained and from what Sandra tells me, I should try to sleep while I can, before the baby gets here, so that's exactly what I have been doing.

* * *

><p>I was still at my parents' house a week later and had been going to school from there as well.<p>

Having my mom drop me off everyday is something that I would soon like to forget.

On top of that I was uncomfortable because I was sleeping in the den since my mom didn't want me climbing the stairs while I was supposed to be off my feet the majority of the time.

I was feeling lonely and bored and was tempted to call Britt but every time that I even thought about it I could hear her voice in my head asking for a break.

I honestly hadn't given much thought to Marco despite the pain that I was feeling on my face, neck, and shoulders.

Shit, I was pretty much hurting everywhere and with this cast on and no medication I was doing everything that I could to not move it too much.

I was hoping that Marco had headed back to the city and decided to leave me alone but I wasn't so lucky.

* * *

><p>I woke up in the middle of the night a week after I had last seen him with his hand clasped over my mouth so that I couldn't scream.<p>

I tried to swing my cast at him but then I felt the pain of him holding it above my head with his other hand.

_"Do as I say and neither one of us gets hurt. Got it?"_

I nodded my head as the tears dripped from my eyes.

_"Good girl, I want two things from you and then I'll go."_ I nodded again, _"Good girl. I'm going to move my hand from your mouth and if you scream I swear I will kill this baby."_

The look in his eyes proved just how serious he was so I nodded with tears in my eyes, knowing that he meant every word that he uttered.

I wrapped my free hand over my small baby bump and just prayed that he would leave.

He climbed completely on top of me and began to raise up my T-shirt.

Times like this I was cursing how well he knew me.

Cursing that the fact that he knew that I liked to sleep in the bare minimum.

I tried not to cry out as he entered me swiftly.

He was looking down at me and I was squeezing my eyes shut trying to block him out.

I was trying to go somewhere else in my head like I was able to do when I was high but now being sober it was much harder to do.

* * *

><p><em>"Mmmm... I missed this pussy. The second thing that I want Santana, is alimony when I divorce you."<em>

My eyes shot open, this was about the money, probably always had been but more importantly he wanted a divorce?

Of course he wanted one, then I would pay him off.

He was feeding an addiction to cocaine after-all, I knew what that felt like.

I could see that his eyes were bloodshot and that he was as high as a kite.

When he came he rammed even harder and I was certain that he ripped me as the pain shot through my groin.

He climbed off me and left me lying there like a piece of trash.

_"The papers should be showing up any day now."_

With that he left and I laid there sobbing, clutching my stomach and thanking God that he hadn't touched my stomach.

I had come so far from this disgusting feeling, I wasn't going to let him have this much control over me anymore.

I reached for my phone and then scrolled through my contacts as I heard the front door close.

_"I need you..."_

* * *

><p>I was so thankful that Damariz had decided to stay a bit longer to help me around because there is nothing like having a doctor take you to the ER.<p>

As I told her everything she held my hand and encouraged me to do what was best for me.

She knew that I had finally had enough of the bullshit.

On top of that, I was doing what Britt had asked.

I was cutting Marco off from me the best way that I could.

I even got a rape kit done.

Marco was going to have his day in court from the other side of it, if I had my way.

_"Ahh Santana can't stay away for 24 hours now?"_ Dr. Jindahl asked in passing.

_"I guess not doc."_

_"I see you are finally getting the authorities involved."_

_"I guess, I have finally had enough."_

* * *

><p>The following morning I pressed assault charges and then filed a restraining order.<p>

My lawyer suggested that I move back to my apartment and take my mother for protection purposes.

But that wasn't something I was a fan of.

Somehow I managed to just convince Damariz to just stay with me for another week until the restraining order was served.

At this point, Mami and I were so distant that I could only take her in small doses.

Spending time with Damariz was fine and all but after that week was over and she flew back to L.A., I felt so much better.

I was so happy to have my own space again.

I finally had my place back to myself.

* * *

><p>My mom was going off to visit my dad's sister, Irma in Puerto Rico for Christmas and tried to get me to go but I insisted that I was fine in Lima.<p>

I had been keeping to myself and staying in bed like I was supposed to be and I was still ignoring Britt, which was really easy to do with her in New York.

She got the point after about a week and stopped leaving sad voicemails...but I still got texts.

Sometimes, I waited whole days to respond to them.

I was doing this for her.

She was better off without a wreck like me in her life.

I had promised my mom before she left that I would get Quinn to come and stay with me but another week went by and I still hadn't called Q.

Even though she said it wasn't so easy to get rid of her she had stopped talking to me and forwarded my phone calls so I gave up calling her or anyone else until I couldn't take the solitude anymore on the morning of Christmas Eve.

* * *

><p><em>"Happy Hanukkah Berry."<em>

_"Why thank you Santana how sweet of you to remember me at this time of year!"_

_"Yea. So Berry, I'm calling because I wanted to know if you were busy today."_

_"No, my fathers are off visiting friends in Columbus and Quinn is ignoring me today."_

_"Are you two still arguing about me and Britt. Q told me how you were on my side."_

_"I am…she has no right to harass you about this. You obviously didn't mean to hurt Brittany but Quinn on the other hand knew what she was doing when she slapped me...twice!"_

_"So is she still mad at you about it?"_

_"Oh no, I won that argument, no this argument is about colleges."_

_"Huh?"_

_"Well you see Quinn got accepted to Yale early admissions and I still haven't heard from NYADA. She tried to convince me-"_

_"Berry. Wait, before you go on endlessly, can we talk about this in person, like you coming over here to spend the day, like now, maybe?"_

_"Really? Is that an invitation to come over to your place alone, without Quinn as a buffer?"_

_"Yea, I guess you could say that."_

_"Well then I accept, are you hungry? I just made my famous vegan lemon cookies."_

_"Yum...the baby wants cookies!" _I groaned out and felt my mouth water._  
><em>

_"Sure it does who wouldn't want Auntie Rachel's amazing shortbread lemon cookies?"_

_"My mouth is watering, Berry. Never keep a pregnant woman waiting! Get here!"_

* * *

><p>I hung up the phone and finally got out of the bed.<p>

I had surprised even myself when I decided to invite over Rachel Berry but I was insanely lonely.

And her company was more tolerable on a one to one basis.

My joints were hurting today from the combination of my continued bed-rest and the blistering cold that seemed to seep through the walls no matter how high I turned up the heat.

I couldn't stop thinking about Brittany and I knew that more than anything the chill in my body was from the lack of being in her arms.

I pushed her from my mind as much as I could, dressed in warm clothes and just tried to distract myself while waiting for my cookies to come.

Oh and Rachel, too.

I hadn't really been out of bed in a few days so I hadn't been wearing my sling very often.

When I stood up and let my arm dangle for a second it started throbbing almost immediately.

I clenched my teeth and began a wild search for the damned thing.

After a few minutes of searching through all my covers, I found my sling and threw it over my shoulder slipping my frigging arm inside of it.

The throbbing dulled a little bit but the damage had already been done and the pain would probably stay for a while.

I moved to the couch with my pillows and comforter and camped out waiting for Rachel and the cookies.

Man, I must have needed some company badly if this is what I had to look forward to on Christmas Eve!

I was grumbling to myself, as I settled into the couch when there was a knock at the door.

_"It's open!"_ I called out amazed that Rachel had gotten here so quickly with my cookies.

The door cracked open and in walked the last fucking person I had ever expected.

_"Azimio?"_


	36. Chapter 36:Big Girls Don't Cry

**Chapter 36: Big Girls Don't Cry/Personal (Fergie)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>The door cracked open and in walked the last fucking person I had ever expected. <strong>_

_**"Azimio?"**_

* * *

><p>It took me a moment to register that this wasn't just some dream.<p>

Azimio stood at my door and patiently waited for me to regain my composure before making any sudden movements.

I had been completely laid out under the covers before he came but now I was on high alert.

He was gentleman, despite what people might believe.

Then again, I was McKinley royalty.

I sat up straight and pulled the covers over me.

Even feeling like crap, I still care about my appearance so I was glad that I had thought to at least comb my hair and put on actual clothes today.

_"You can come in."_ I said waving him towards the recliner.

He closed the door behind him and then leaned against the counter that separated the entry way and the kitchen before deciding to come further into the living room.

_"Hey Santana, nice place."_

_"Thanks...it's a mess but it's home."_

He smiled and then looked at me with concern.

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"Like crap…but you know, I'm getting used to it."_

I smiled and waited a second for him to sit down before I asked as politely as I could.

He seemed nervous as he sat across from me and rubbed his hands against his jeans.

_"Why are you here?"_

_"To see you."_

_"Obviously."_

_"Yea."_

_"So what specifically brings you to see me?"_

_"You're pregnant."_

_"Yes, I'm aware."_

_"It's not mine."_ He said, forehead all wrinkled in concentration.

* * *

><p>I was trying to be patient because it seemed like it took a lot for him to be sitting here right now but my patience was notoriously thin.<p>

_"Okay...I wasn't planning on hassling you about it either way. I have no plans to bother anyone as a matter of fact. I'm prepared to do this alone."_

_"Seriously?"_

_"Yea, pretty much."_

_"Oh, well, it wasn't about responsibility because I would step up."_

_"Yea...is that why you are so quick to deny the kid?"_

_"No, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sure that it isn't mine."_ He said reiterating his previous statement.

_"Ok, that's great, Merry Christmas to me. Look Z, I really don't want to go into the semantics of what happened. I honestly don't remember a thing about that night...I didn't even know who the hell Ian Perkins was until I heard about what happened. Since you are so sure...Care to shed some light?"_

_"Um...yea."_

_"Okay...go for it."_

_"Well you gave me a blow job...that's it. I was too drunk to last much more than that." _He said, actually blushing._ "It was Perkins that went all the way with you. I just thought that you should know."_

_"Oh...so you lied about fucking me?"_

He nodded, looking ashamed.

But I was relieved...even if it was nauseating.

* * *

><p>As I sat there, I felt even grosser then before.<p>

And I could feel the tears burning the rims of my eyes but I couldn't cry in front of him.

His honesty had been refreshing but it still hurt.

I sat there for a second just staring off trying to remember even a little bit of that night but nothing was coming back to me.

Fuck, I was such an idiot.

I finally looked his way and noticed that he had been looking at me with kind eyes and a small smile.

Not a common thing, unless he had a frosty beverage.

_"Well, Z, thank you for clearing that up for me."_ I sighed.

He stood up looking like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and then he reached into his pocket and handed me a wrapped gift.

_"I brought this for you."_

I looked at him in shock took the gift.

_"Cushioning the blow?"_

He laughed and shook his head as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

_"__My mom had me her senior year in high school and when I told her about the baby and how it wasn't mine, she told me to be honest with you. That you would appreciate it, even if you were mad. Truth is that I've had a crush on you since you first transferred to public school. I wouldn't have minded so much if that was my kid. I told her that and she said that you could use all the friends that you could get and it may not be mine but I'm still here if you need me. My mom wanted to wish you luck. __I just want to give you this before I go, Merry Christmas Santana. "_

* * *

><p>I had tears in my eyes as he leaned over and dropped a kiss on the top of my head.<p>

How had I never seen this side of him before?

I held my arms out and he softly hugged me for a moment before standing up again.

There was always a longing in me to get hugs from guys that didn't want to beat me to a pulp.

And in that moment, his hug healed some of my hurt.

He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat as he stood back up, obviously getting a little choked up.

_"Thanks Z. You have no idea how much this means to me. Merry Christmas."_

He smiled down at me and then left quickly and quietly.

I held the gift in my hands and then smiled to myself.

That crazy encounter had just assured me that there are still decent guys out there.

I had to make sure that I thanked him again when I saw him back at school.

* * *

><p>I was broken from my reverie as Rachel came bursting through the door like she was running from someone.<p>

She shut the door behind her and locked it.

I laughed to myself as she looked at me somewhat stricken,

_"Santana, was that just Azimio Adams that I saw coming out of here?"_ she asked as she put down a large grocery bag on the counter. I nodded and smiled at her. She was gulping down deep breaths as she began to peel off her coat and scarf. _"Oh my goodness, its a million degrees in here! Are you cold? You must be. Thank goodness I had the presence of mind to wear layers!"_

I allowed her to continue rambling as I looked down at the gift in my hands, turning it over and over again trying to examine the package from every angle.

After the way I was most days at school, I was just so amazed that he had thought of me.

I was so focused on the package that I hadn't been listening to Rachel and she noticed.

She snapped her fingers in front of my eyes, immediately annoying me and making me wonder why I had even invited her over.

I looked up at her and scrunched my face.

_"What is it Rachel?"_ she grabbed the gift from my hand and shoved an open tin full of cookies at me, ahh that's why she's here!

_"Did he give this to you?"_

_"You know, Berry I didn't invite you over here so you could harass me and take my presents!"_ I snapped at her while attempting to snatch the gift back but she pulled it out of my reach and let out a heavy sigh as she plopped down in my recliner.

I shrugged my shoulders as I picked up a cookie and allowed it to melt in my mouth.

It was like heaven!

I looked back at her and noticed that she looked annoyed as she examined the wrapping paper.

Her eyebrows were all bunched together and she was avoiding my eyes.

_"Why did you invite me over here then? I mean other than for the cookies."_

_"I just don't want to be alone, okay? And please don't make me regret calling you or telling you that by saying something vapid or over the top."_

She smirked to herself and then sighed obviously holding back a long speech.

_"I'm just glad that you called."_

* * *

><p>She smiled to herself again and then got up from the chair, handing the gift back to me in the process.<p>

I placed it beside me and went back to scarfing down the cookies.

She headed back to the kitchen and began unloading the grocery bag.

_"So what's in the bag?"_ I asked her, trying to see from where I sat, as I spoke to her and ate another cookie at the same time.

She smiled at me wickedly before holding up a few DVDs.

_"I brought some bad reality show DVDs that Quinn left at my house and I also brought various things to snack on while we lounge around like sloths. Oh and I have your Christmas gift from Quinn."_

_"I thought you two weren't speaking."_

_"We weren't but then I called her to see if she wanted to come over here with me and she turned me down but then asked me to bring you this."_

Rachel put a gift bag on the floor by my little tree and then flounced back to the kitchen.

* * *

><p>We sat through a few episodes of the Jersey Shore and I had managed to polish off all the cookies before I finally felt like I wasn't so alone anymore.<p>

I was grateful for Rachel visiting and keeping me company.

Because of her, I was feeling a little less depressed and much more relaxed.

I had fallen asleep at some point during the second DVD, curled up facing the back of the couch, with my cast propped up on my side.

As I was waking up I could hear Rachel talking to someone at my front door and she was trying her hardest to whisper but she wasn't the very best at it.

I didn't want to move so I just listened hoping that she could get whoever it was to go away, for a moment I thought it could be Marco but then I heard Quinn's frustrated voice arguing back at Rachel.

_"I thought you weren't coming?"_

_"I wanted to see her, let me in."_

_"I don't know Quinn, maybe you were right about not coming, she is finally content and I would like to keep her that way. You should go while she is still asleep."_

_"Move out of my way Rachel."_

I could practically hear Quinn gritting her teeth and it made me smile to myself, knowing that she wanted to see me so badly.

_"No."_

_"If you don't move out of my way, I will make you." _She threatened.

_"What are you going to do slap me, again?"_

The argument was becoming a little too heated for my taste so I decided to _"wake up"_.

* * *

><p>I pulled myself up to a seated position and readjusted my comforter around me and then cleared my throat.<p>

_"Let her in Rachel."_ I said trying my best to sound nice.

_"Yes let me in Rachel."_ Quinn said pushing on the door and storming past her flustered girlfriend.

Quinn immediately came over to me, pushed the covers out of her way and then plopped down next to me grabbing my ankles and placing them on her lap.

Once I readjusted my cast to rest on a pillow in my lap, I smiled at her.

She nodded her head and then I just sat there as she began rubbing my ankles and feet.

I was sore all over but this seemed to be helping to relieve at least a little bit of the pain.

When I looked up, I saw that Rachel had taken our mess into the kitchen and was cleaning while muttering to herself angrily.

The place had been a mess and so I knew that before long, she wouldn't be able to resist cleaning.

* * *

><p><em>"So how are you San?<em>" Quinn asked me as she worked on a knot just above my ankle and I closed my eyes suddenly getting drowsy.

_"Oh God, I am so very confused at the moment."_ I said forcing myself to keep my eyes open.

_"Me too. I just talked to Britt and she tells me that you are ignoring her phone calls and messages. Don't you want to fix this?"_

_"Q, I'm in a really good mood right now, please don't ruin it with your interrogations about my EX-girlfriend."_

_"It was a simple question."_

_"Yes and it was a simple response. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to talk to her right now."_

_"Well, in that case I'm leaving."_ She said as she pushed my feet off her lap and stood up.

_"What? Why?_" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest ready to tell her off.

_"Because Santana, Brittany is sitting out in my car waiting for me to give her the signal that it is okay for her to come up."_

So Quinn was angry because she wanted to talk me into seeing Britt not because she wanted to see me so badly.

I was pissed off and hurt.

So I lashed out.

_"Well, you're right, I guess you should leave then and take Rachel with you!" _

I stood up from the couch and stormed to my bedroom, slamming the door in the process.

There goes my mellow mood!

* * *

><p>I sat on the floor against my couch later that night, listening to the local radio station playing endless Christmas music.<p>

There were tears dripping down my face as I hummed along and I stared at my miniature tree.

I had somehow managed to alienate myself from my family and friends and so now as a result I sat here all alone.

It was almost midnight, almost Christmas and in this moment, I missed Britt more than anything.

Had I been too rash?

I should have let her come up earlier and then maybe I could have convinced her to stay the night

But then I remembered that I was in the friend zone again and I knew that wouldn't be enough for me.

_"Merry Christmas baby. God willing you and I will be celebrating together next year in New York City!"_

As the clock struck midnight, I decided to open up my presents and get them out of the way.

This would be as much as I would do for the holiday, since I had every intention of sleeping all day on Christmas.

I had three gifts in total so this wasn't going to take very long.

My body protested as I pulled the bag from Quinn into my lap.

I hadn't expected her to still get me a gift but lately a lot has been unexpected for me.

* * *

><p>Inside the bag there was a box that was covered in gorgeous red glitter wrapping and had black and white ribbons around it.<p>

There was a little note card that read, _**Once a Cheerio, Always a Cheerio.** _

I smiled and then peeled off the wrapping.

There was a card on top of the box.

I opened it and it was blank except for a note from Q.

**_S-_**  
><strong><em>As far as parents go ours are a pretty messed up a bunch. So, I got you this journal so that you can document this year. This is a crazy time for you but it can serve as inspiration for you down the road. In those moments where a tough parenting decision has you doubting yourself it may serve to strengthen your resolve. I'm proud of you for what you are doing. I love you always sis!<em>**  
><strong><em>-Q<em>**

The journal was gorgeous.

It was leather bound and had my initials monogrammed on the cover.

I lifted the book to my nose and took a long hard sniff.

Most people wouldn't know this, but I have always secretly loved the smell of paper and leather.

I knew that I was smiling as I slipped everything back into the box and pushed it to the side.

My second gift was from Mami, I already knew what it was because I had picked it out myself.

When I was at her house over Thanksgiving, I had fallen asleep using Sandra's pregnancy pillow and had been very vocal about wanting one.

My mom had attempted to surprise me with it but I had seen the shape and size and knew immediately what it was.

So she made me promise to wait for Christmas.

I couldn't wait to try it out tonight.

* * *

><p>Finally there was my last present.<p>

It made me feel so amazing that Azimio went out of his way to think of me.

I opened the box and found two things.

A note and a book.

The book was written by Alicia Adams and the title made me smile, I opened the note.

**_Santana,_**

**_My mom is my biggest inspiration. She taught me early on, that life is what you make it. When she was told to get an abortion or to give up her baby because it would ruin her life, that I would ruin her life. She wouldn't back down. Now she is a bestselling author and a pretty successful businesswoman. She also is a really good mom to me and my brothers. You remind me of her in many ways so I know that you are going to be AMAZING. This is her first book. I hope it helps you see that this life you are creating will be the drive behind you in those tough moments where you want to give in. I am here to help if you need me. Remember that this is not an end but a beginning._**

**_Merry Christmas_**

**_-Z_**

I put the letter down and looked back at the book. **_"The Rebels' Guide to Surviving Pregnancy"_**.

That name had me written all over it.

I would make sure to read every page and take notes.

All I wanted was to hug Azimio again, the gift was a sweet gesture, that was very much appreciated by me.

I ran a hand over my growing belly and contentment settled over me for a moment.

_"We are going to be okay baby! Mami loves you!"_

As I climbed into bed that night and took off my sling, I finally felt comfortable and at peace.

I kept a firm hand on my baby bump and fell asleep talking to my newest love.

* * *

><p>True to my word, I spent all of Christmas locked in up my apartment.<p>

And I was glad that my mom had to decided that her yearly Christmas trip to Puerto Rico shouldn't be cancelled.

I had always coveted the idea of my own space but now that I had it and had alienated everyone in my life, I felt worse.

I was depressed and alone.

It was my childhood all over again.

Depression had a firm hold on me.

I hadn't showered in days, I had turned my phone off and had barely eaten a thing.

Plus, I was too stubborn to suck up my pride and talk to B about us and I was too ashamed to talk to Q.

Sadly, I knew that this baby was the only thing keeping me from the drugs and alcohol which scared me, I wouldn't be pregnant forever.

I rubbed my stomach as much as I could and just talked to the baby hoping that somehow it would make me feel better.

My whole world sucked and I was falling apart at the seams, my self-destructive behavior was just on the edge of my vision.

Dripping out endless tears, I laid staring out the window, mind in the distance with only tears to soothe the cracks in my armor.

I felt bitter and helpless and it was my own damn fault.


	37. Chapter 37:Cold

**Chapter 37: Cold (Maxwell)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I felt bitter and helpless and it was my own damn fault.<strong>_

* * *

><p>I had literally been an emotional and pitiful wretch the solid week between Christmas and New Years.<p>

I didn't answer phone calls, I didn't respond to knocks on my door, and I didn't leave my bed if I didn't need to.

And knowing that Quinn had a key to the bottom lock, I had locked the top.

There was no way that I was going to let anyone come to my pity party.

The entire time, I was nothing like my former self and I was quickly growing disgusted with it.

With all my self-loathing, I had even missed the birth of my nephew Johnny.

Mami had even flown straight from Puerto Rico to New York to be with Sandra.

So not even she could save me from myself

I was feeling pitiful and disgusting.

My hygiene had taken a serious hit and I was sure that I smelled to the high heavens.

Depression had bitten me square in the ass and wasn't letting go.

I cried, I screamed, I wrote depressing prose and blasted emo music until I was nauseous.

I had fallen asleep like usual hating the world and all that existed and then one day just like that I got up.

Enough was enough.

* * *

><p>It was the second day of the New Year and I had enough of the simpering mess that I had become.<p>

It was as if Sue Sylvester had somehow climbed into my head and was ridiculing the mess that I had made of myself, except the voice was my own.

I didn't look anything like myself.

I avoided my own gaze in the mirror and threw open a window to air out the room.

That's how bad I smelled.

Shit!

When did it get so cold?

Right, it was January!

I slammed the window shut and just settled for turning on the ceiling fan.

I walked to the end of my bed and ripped off all my sheets,

I wanted to throw them away or burn them, anything to keep me from crawling right back into them and crying again.

Don't get me wrong, I still felt miserable but I just kept forcing myself to keep pushing past the tears and the internal bitching.

* * *

><p>My first shower in a week was like heaven on Earth.<p>

It felt like a years' worth of grime was coming off of my body.

I stayed under the scalding water until it began to freeze me.

My stomach rumbled which surprised me because I hadn't shown hunger symptoms in a while.

Then again, without them, I was still pregnant so I should have been eating.

I was embarrassed to be able to say that I hadn't showered or eaten since last year and it was that kind of thinking that had kicked my ass into high gear.

I was committed to going back into McKinley the same confident bitch that I had always been.

It was time to get back to being myself.

School was supposed to start back up in two days and I wasn't the least bit prepared.

I was now four months along and my stomach had decided to start showing within the last week while I lay there like a slug.

None of my clothes fit me except my sweats, which was highly unacceptable.

I could hear the mall calling my name from miles away.

But first I had to deal with the state of my apartment.

I had been lax in my cleaning and should have been more diligent with my habits since I hate vermin but I obviously didn't give a flying fuck about any of that before now.

I threw on my sweats and I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom, one handed and with ease.

I had built up such a store of energy that I blew through that place in no time at all.

* * *

><p>I was packing away my Christmas tree when I saw the gift from Azimio still sitting on my coffee table with the journal from Q.<p>

The big pregnancy pillow was the only gift to actually make it to my bedroom a week ago,

Which honestly was the reason that I was able to lay there for so long, damned comfortable ass pillow!

I picked up the book and took a seat in my groove on the couch.

The book wasn't insanely long and so I wanted to give it a once over just in case I saw Z and he asked about it.

What I wasn't expecting was to get sucked into the damn thing.

The very first page was a short how-to list of ten things that I should be doing right now to get the most out of my pregnancy.

I hadn't gotten any of them right in quite some time and even then it was because I had people holding my hand.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Rule #1-NO self pity…it's useless and a time killer (something you don't have!)<strong>_

_**Rule #2-DON'T prove them right…they already have assumptions (are YOU making it worse? See Rule #1)**_

_**Rule #3-PAMPER yourself while you can because after a couple of months there will be only one kind of pampers and it isn't yours!**_

_**Rule #4-PLAN because you only have a short time to set up your future success and if you are in school it's even shorter! **_

_**Rule #5-KEEP your friends close…nothing can kill a friendship like this pregnancy can. So if you have a good network, don't mess it up…do everything to make it stronger because you will need them.**_

_**Rule #6-EAT well, eat enough, and be healthy. You may be suffering and depressed but why punish the baby you are fighting so hard to keep? **_

_**Rule #8-EXERCISE…the healthier you are the less complications down the road. **_

_**Rule #9-EMBRACE life because it's stupid not to!**_

_**Rule #10-LIVE your life as if it's just starting not like its coming to an end.**_

* * *

><p>I threw the book down and got my ass up.<p>

No time like the present to fix some things.

I would focus on fixing me first and then I would worry about my friendship network when I got back to school.

And I even hummed as I brushed my hair, my teeth and then fried an egg.

Suddenly, I was all in on getting better.

I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I finished the egg and felt like I was going to pass out from not having more.

Starving, I sat at my dining room table and stared at my plate.

I kept thinking of rule # 5.

Maybe waiting another two days would only make things harder.

Fixing things with Britt could wait until then.

In that moment I realized how much I was squandering a damn good resource, Q.

Who else my age in Lima went through a teen pregnancy and walked away stronger than ever?

Only my best friend since I was six!

* * *

><p><em>"Hello?"<em> She said in a sing song voice.

Obviously she hadn't checked to see who was calling first.

_"Hi Quinn."_

My voice was rusty from misuse but I pushed forward.

She gasped and I fought not to roll my eyes.

_"San? Are you okay?"_

_"Yea. Are you busy today?"_

_"Um….hold on a sec."_ I heard her put the phone down and start whispering. Then it rustled as she got back on the line. _"No, free and clear. What's up?"_

_"I wanted to go shopping and I thought maybe you would want to come with. Plus Mani's and Pedi's are much more fun with company. What do you say?"_

_"Okay. Sure!"_

_"Oh and Q, have you eaten, yet?" _

My growling stomach wouldn't let me forget that I was in fact starving.

I heard her choke back a giggle which made me certain that Rachel was or had been there when I called.

Gross.

_"Um…no not yet."_

_"Meet me at the We Lime in twenty minutes?"_

_"See you there!"_ She said excitedly before hanging up.

Boom!

Rules 3, 5, 6 and 9 just like that!

I could follow this check list.

Maybe it would help me to focus and get through this.

* * *

><p>When I got in my car I realized that maybe driving wasn't something I should be attempting with this heavy ass cast in my way and ice on the roads.<p>

The pain had dulled a little bit and I wasn't sure that I wanted to aggravate it.

Note to self never punch anything with primary my hand!

I grabbed my phone out of my purse and sat back and acknowledged to myself that it was okay to ask for help.

My back was a bit sore from all the movement and I knew that I was making the right decision.

I had the seat warmers on high and it was soothing my aching body...why hadn't I thought of this before?

Man I had been really out of it.

_"Hello?"_

_"Q, its me again…do you think you could come over here and pick me up?"_

_"Umm…sure."_

_"It's the cast…"_

_"Right, I'll be there in a sec!"_

She must have already been on the road because true to her word she literally came pulling up beside me in the parking lot a few seconds later.

When she got out her car, I could see that she was well tanned and smiling really huge.

Someone had a great week without me.

I sighed and tried my best to smile.

She opened my car door and I stepped out and stood in front of her on shaky feet.

We stood there only a moment before she wrapped her arms around me and held on tight.

She smelled awesome and it immediately calmed down my sudden bout of nerves.

_"I missed you so much San!"_

_"Thanks."_ I said before pulling out of the hug and smiling.

I wasn't sure if the smile was genuine but I knew that I was feeling better already.

* * *

><p><em>"Did you go tanning?" <em>I asked as I strapped myself in her car.

_"Actually, I went to see my sister in San Francisco for a few days...got to actually sit by the pool."_

_"Oh...sounds nice."_

_"Mmm...not as fun as when I do it with you."_

_"Nice to hear."_

_"Yea...I'm sure it is. I really did miss you."_

* * *

><p>As dorky as it sounds, knowing that Quinn missed me, made me feel loved.<p>

It was nice...to feel loved.

Having Quinn with me while I was shopping for maternity clothes proved to be a godsend.

There is no one that gets me like Q does.

She kept me away from anything that fell too close to Rachel Berry or Mercedes Jones territory.

I mean don't get me wrong, Aretha can dress but I think my style is a bit better.

It also helped that I didn't really have a budget, so I could afford to lean a little more pricey, although I tried not to do that too much either.

After lunch in the food court, we shopped more.

Quinn finally convinced me that I looked like a ghost so I got a spray tan and then we went and got our feet did and our nails shined to utter perfection.

I needed this badly!

Thank God for Q being so amazing and Azimio for that book!

* * *

><p>We had shopped like crazy and I had even bought Quinn an<em>, I'm sorry I was douche<em> present.

I let her pick it out and she ended up dragging me into a hippie looking store.

Even though I moaned and groaned, I was definitely checking out some of the stuff.

When Quinn picked out this dress that I coveted from the moment that I saw it, I pouted.

It only came in three sizes, none of them higher than a 6.

Q caught my sad look and pouted back at me.

_"Don't worry, San I'll let you borrow it after you lose your baby weight."_

_"Gee thanks!"_ I said as I swiped my debit card.

Who knew if that was going to ever happen...then again, with my ability to go days without eating, it was a probability.

Overall, It had been a successful shopping trip and I was doing my best to stick to the rules of the book and be pleasant.

Even Quinn noticed and commented on it a few times.

* * *

><p>You know, for me, it is really fucking hard to be nice when you haven't done it on a regular basis but I was making a damn good effort.<p>

Q pulled up to my apartment building and parked next to my car.

I thought that she was just dropping me off, so when I went to grab my bags out of her hands and she shook her head and started walking inside.

I was a little surprised.

When we walked into the apartment she looked around somewhat shocked.

_"I expected this place to look like a dump…I mean this is the first time that you have seen daylight in what a month?"_

_"I cleaned it before I called you."_ I said as I shut the door behind me.

She nodded in understanding and then placed my bags on the floor.

I suddenly felt very heavy and needed to sit down.

_"Now that all the shopping is done we have to talk."_

_"About what?"_ I asked as I propped my feet up on the coffee table and rubbed my belly.

Watching Quinn try on all those cute small clothes made me feel like a big disgusting blimp.

* * *

><p><em>"You."<em>

_"What about me?"_

_"San, you have got to get it together. You're pregnant not dying. You look thinner then you should. I mean before today when was the last time you ate?"_

_"I can't remember"_ I said feeling ashamed of myself.

_"My godchild is too young to be on a Cheerios diet."_ She said putting her hands on her hips and looking down at me.

_"I know its just I feel gross lately and just fat!"_

_"You're not fat, you're pregnant for God's sake."_

I felt a new wave of tears coming on and covered my face with my hand.

I knew that I had been neglecting my daily rituals but I had been so wrapped up in a world of depression that I was still trying to shake.

She dropped down on the couch beside me, pulled my hand from my face and rubbed her hands across my belly.

_"Don't cry honey…this precious life in here will be with us soon enough and then you can go back to being that sexy bitch you like to be so much!"_

_"I'm not sexy now? Like__, would__ you do me?"_

_"Um…what? Do you? What an odd thing to say. Anyway, I think you are one of the hottest, sexiest pregnant women that I have ever seen."_

_"You mean that?"_

_"Absolutely!"_

_"Thanks Q!"_

_"Now, I am going to run home and grab my Cheerios uniform and then I'm coming back to stay with you tonight, okay?"_ she said nodding her head so that I would nod my head along with her and I did.

_"I won't lock the door."_

_"It doesn't matter because I have a key remember?"_

_"Then why didn't you visit before today?"_

_"Because a true best friend knows when to step back and wait it out and honey I am the queen of waiting!"_

_"Sure…that's how you got pregnant right?"_

She plucked my arm and stood up in mock anger.

_"That was so rude!"_

_"But you still love me!"_

_"Only on Sundays."_

_"Well I guess I'm in luck today!"_

She stuck her tongue out as she shut the door behind her.

I made myself get up and pick up the bags off the floor and I felt my back crack and not in the good way.

I moaned out and there was no one there to hear me.

I missed Britt so much and wished that we could fix this, that we could get over this dumb _"break"_ shit and work it out like adults.

I was going to try to talk to her tomorrow or at some point this week.

Maybe I could get her back in my arms.

I just had to swallow my pride…which is no easy feat.

* * *

><p>I expected to be ostracized and picked on when I walked through the school doors but nothing had changed.<p>

Everyone was just bustling around like normal.

I breathed a sigh of relief, I had been waiting for pregnant lesbian jokes but they never came.

Then I saw Jacob Ben Israel on his way over to me but one of the football players stepped in his way and made him run in the opposite direction.

I smiled and headed straight to my locker hoping to avoid seeing Britt a little longer, I wasn't ready to talk to her just yet.

I needed to prepare myself with the right words and the right apologies.

When I got to my locker unscathed, I turned around suddenly and realized that I was being watched by several football players but not in that joking slushy way but in a protective way.

People had been going out of their way to walk around me.

I spotted Sam walking by and I grabbed his jacket sleeve.

I leaned in and whispered in his ear.

_"Hey Trouty, What's with the football team?"_

_"After practice this morning Azimio put a ban against slushying you and he asked the football team to enforce it, so now you have your own personal bodyguards."_

_"Wow, that fucking rocks!"_ I said as I grabbed what I needed for my class. Sam lingered a little longer than I liked, so I finally decided to pay him some attention so he would leave faster. _"Spill it. What do you want?"_

_"So are you with him now? Is that his baby?"_ he asked while stuffing his hands in his pockets.

_"No and no, he's just a really good friend."_

I was surprised that I meant that honestly as I said it and it felt good.

I closed my locker leaned in gave Sam a kiss on the cheek and walked off to my first class.

* * *

><p>I made it all morning with not a change to my usual school schedule.<p>

Everyone stayed of my way and when I walked the hallways it was like I was in my Cheerios uniform again instead of a track suit.

When, I got to my locker and was feeling a million times better than yesterday and was actually looking forward to eating something, that changed.

Peacefully, I rubbed my belly and then opened the locker so I could put stuff away and grab my purse.

I had just put my books in my locker and was about to close it when I felt the cold and sticky feeling of a slushy being poured over my head.

You could hear a pin drop in the hallways, as I stood there covered in blue slush.

The sound of my scream was probably heard in China.

I still hadn't moved but I had begun to cry and I mean flat-out sob.

Over the last day, I had worked so hard to get myself to a point of comfort and happiness and then this shit had to happen.

Was my happiness too much?

I was going to kill whoever it was that fucked up my day!

* * *

><p>Finally I turned and saw Britt holding the empty plastic cup in her hand, staring down at me with harsh blue eyes.<p>

I could see why the football players were nervous, who would have thought that Britt would do this.

I mean she was the only Cheerio that bought slushies and actually drank them.

Plus, who would want to get in between me and Britt to stop something like this...other than Quinn?

My eyes were stinging and my pride was wounded.

I was furious that she would do this to me, her of all people should know to leave a happy Santana the fuck alone!

All my resolve to fix things went flying right out the fucking window.

_"We are so over do you hear me Brittany Pierce? WE ARE OVER! Fuck you!"_

_"You don't get to decide that on your own, Santana!"_

_"Yes the hell I do! What the fuck were you trying to prove just now?"_

_"I just wanted to get you to talk to me and it worked."_

_"Yea well, fuck you! How's that for talking?"_

I reared back to slap her but two things happened simultaneously, someone grabbed my arm before I could make contact but not before I watched the love of my life flinch away in fear like I was Marco fucking Vega.

Britt stood there with her eyes scrunched shut as I was yanked away from her.

* * *

><p>Sue Sylvester had the sleeve of my sweater in a death grip as she pulled me into her office.<p>

I heard the door shut behind us and saw Quinn standing there arms crossed and face burning in anger.

_"Lopez, Q here tells me that you have decided to become like your husband and torture Brittany. I didn't believe her until I just witnessed you about to slap her in front of the whole student body. This is unacceptable."_

_"Q, should mind her own fucking business."_

_"You are my fucking business, who looks out for you like I do? Nobody!" _Quinn screeched.

_"Does no one give a shit about me just being slushied? I'm pregnant!"_

_"There are worse things, you still have your baby, San."_

_"Yea well that was your damn decision."_

I knew that I was saying things to her that I could never take back but I was hurting.

I was tearing at a wound that was only just healing.

My pride was vicious almost as vicious as my words and I could see what I was doing but did she?

* * *

><p><em>"She was only reacting to you ignoring her all day."<em>

_"I told you that I would talk to her and I was going to at lunch! Was all this really necessary?"_ I asked gesturing to my blue tinted clothes and skin. _"I'm done with her Q. And I'm done with everything else too, unless it has to do with my classes I don't want any part in it."_

_"What about glee club?"_

_"Fuck the glee club I'm done!" _I screamed out._  
><em>

_"San?"_

_"Fuck you, Lucy!"_

I didn't bother staying for the rest of the school day, I grabbed my expensive leather coat and pulled it over my sticky clothes.

There was a pounding in my head, I was outraged.

I didn't grab my books or even look back to see if I was being followed, I just strutted out the school and headed home.

Fuck McKinley.

* * *

><p>By the time I got to the door of my apartment my clothes had become frozen solid and my skin was burning from the ice.<p>

It took me almost ten minutes to get my hand to stop shaking long enough to get my key in the lock.

Sadness seeped from my pores.

I was back to feeling depressed but now I was angry on top of that.

I stood in my doorway and just allowed the heat to absorb into my skin.

_"You should really get in here and shower before you get sick."_

When I heard her voice in my apartment, I slammed the door and stormed towards her.

Britt stood there in my kitchen in a pair of my sweats acting like I should have expected her to be there.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: It's been awhile, thanks for the story alerts. I am working through this story the best that I can and I think it may end up in two parts. Let me know what you think...and to my anon reviewer the answer to your question is that a lot of this story is based on my actual experience...everything else just comes from my manic nights! :) **

**Read & Review and I shall bless you with more! Like tomorrow ;)**

**-A**


	38. Chapter 38:Save Me

**Chapter 38: Save Me (Nicki Minaj)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>When I heard her voice in my apartment, I slammed the door and stormed towards her. <strong>_

_**Britt stood there in my kitchen in a pair of my sweats acting like I should have expected her to be there.**_

* * *

><p><em>"How did you get in here?" <em>I growled out as I stood nearly against her.

_"Quinn gave me her spare key and since I know you better than anyone, I knew that you would leave school and come home."_

_"It's not like I had a fucking choice!"_

I felt my hands ball into fists and then promptly stormed past her.

_"There's always a choice."_

_"Maybe for you but never for me!"_

_"Always for you, too."_

_"You really want to hit me, don't you?"_

_"Is that what you want to do, Ana?"_

_"No...yes...I don't fucking know!"_ I said as I stood dripping the blue liquid onto my kitchen floor.

I was shaking and I wasn't sure anymore whether it was the cold or the anger.

Or the craving of something to soothe the stress.

_"Are you ready to let me take care of you yet?"_

_"Is that what this shit is about? Is that why you humiliated me in front of the whole school?"_

I was shrieking and I didn't fucking care.

But she didn't back down she just kept smiling.

_"Please...you don't get humiliated."_

_"Fuck yo...you know what? Fuck it! Go ahead Britt Britt...since you went through all this damn trouble, please take over and take care of me!"_

* * *

><p>I stood there still dripping onto the floor, waiting to see if she would jump to the challenge and she didn't disappoint.<p>

As she stepped into my personal space and peeled off my jacket, she hummed to herself.

It felt like she was making a mockery out of me but I wasn't going to put up a fight...sometimes...I just get too tired to fight.

She tossed my jacket onto the middle of the kitchen floor and then grabbed my hand and led me through my bedroom and into my bathroom.

Still annoyed, I stood there with my eyes shut tight, ignoring the voices in my head telling me to fight this and kept my chin in the air trying to keep in the tears.

I didn't move as she made quick work of taking off all of my clothes.

I was so upset and depressed about everything that I was really letting go.

Plus, I figured if I just allowed Britt to direct me for a little while I would be able to keep moving.

Maybe I would even manage to be healthy.

* * *

><p>I was at the end of my rope and she knew it.<p>

She kept humming and being gentle with me.

So gentle that I thought I might break if she continued.

But I still didn't put up a fight.

Britt loved me enough to step in when things got too hard for me to handle, something that only Quinn and Sandra had done to this point but never on this level.

I stood there shivering as she turned on the shower and then took off all her own clothes.

My memory flashed back to that clinical shower we had shared way back after I had gotten drunk and knocked up.

I watched her as she stepped under the water and then reached out her hand for me.

I hissed as the heat soaked into my skin...the cold had started to burn.

For a moment I could see that she looked apologetic.

At the last moment I had remembered to hold my arm out of the shower, even though my cast now had slushy inside of it.

Britt quickly stepped out the shower and left me there standing there awkwardly.

I felt her covering up my arm with plastic and tying something around it so that I didn't have to hold my heavy arm up any longer.

When she stepped back in the shower she looked at me with remorse.

I could tell that she had forgotten about my cast when she decided to pour the slushy all over me.

* * *

><p><em>"I'm sorry I had to do this Ana. I was mad and I honestly didn't think that you would get so angry. It's just that..you kind of deserved it after this,"<em> She pointed to a pink scar above her eyebrow.

I reached up a shaky hand and brushed my fingers along the side of her face and then I pulled her head down and placed a gentle but firm kiss to the scar.

_"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, B. I'm no better than Marco, am I?"_

I dropped my chin to my chest, too ashamed to look her in the eyes.

She ran her hand under my chin and raised my face up.

_"Don't you dare beat yourself up. I'm fine. I know that you didn't mean it."_

_"But I meant it earlier when I almost slapped you in the hallway."_

_"Let's just move on from that."_

I stood under the water as she washed my body from head to toes and then she washed the sticky slushiness from my hair.

I was feeling relieved and relaxed for the first time in over a month.

I leaned into her as she rinsed us under the water.

She kept running her hands over my stomach and kissing the side of my face.

I was so safe in that moment, I felt like nothing could touch me.

Nothing could ruin this moment.

* * *

><p>After our shower she toweled me dry and then led me to my bedroom.<p>

When I went to grab my lotion she took it from me.

_"Britt I can do it."_

_"I know but I want to do it, so hush and let me."_

I didn't put up a fight as she took her time rubbing me down.

This was the first time that she was seeing my stomach in almost two months and she was even more fascinated this time around.

She hovered over my belly, paying special attention to the baby.

_"Hey there my love, you have sure grown since Mama was last here. I missed you. I need you to be good for Mami she's having a bit of a hard time lately."_

I chuckled as my stomach jumped.

Britt looked up at me and smiled.

_"How is the pregnancy coming? What does your doctor say?"_

I shook my head.

I was too embarrassed to tell her that I had missed all my appointments and that I hadn't been back to the doctor but I had to be honest.

Depression had made me act like a complete brat and I realized that.

Making an appointment had been on my radar since I was back on my feet.

I just hadn't had the chance.

_"I have missed my appointments, I kind of neglected myself there for a while."_

_"I noticed, Rachel and Quinn kept me up to date on how you haven't been taking good care of yourself. I also noticed that you haven't opened a single piece of mail."_

_"Yea well, laying curled up in my bed was a higher priority to me."_

_"That is going to change now that I'm back."_

_"Is that right?" _I put my hand on my hip and cocked my eyebrow.

She hummed to herself and nodded.

_"Yep."_

* * *

><p>I allowed Britt to help me get dressed and then she led me to the dining room table and directed me to sit down.<p>

Sore, I sat on the cushioned chair and looked up at her.

She smiled and handed me a box.

_"I just want you to sit here and relax a minute and open your mail."_ she handed me a thick stack of letters.

I had told Britt a couple years ago how much I enjoyed getting mail, how me and Q would check every day just waiting for something as kids but nothing ever came.

So now as an adult I still get a little excited when there is an envelope with my name on it.

To Britt it was a pretty big indicator of how I was treating myself, that I had such a huge stack and it wasn't a good one.

She left the room while I made three piles.

Junk, School, Open immediately.

There was a lot in the junk pile so I dumped that back into the box to be recycled.

I forgot how therapeutic it was to do something so mundane.

As I was sifting through it all, I saw that I had a letter about my SAT scores, Packets from Harvard, Yale, University of Puerto Rico, NYU, and another one from Columbia.

I would go through that as soon as I could.

My heart was already set on the school of my dreams, so I turned to the open immediately pile that only had three things in it.

I saw two big packets from two different law firms then there was a letter at the bottom, it was from Marco but was addressed from a prison.

No wonder he had seemingly disappeared!

_"You have got to be kidding me!"_ I said aloud in actual shock when I saw it.

Britt came out the bedroom and saw me staring at the unopened letter in my hands.

_"What's that?" _she asked as she slid in the chair next to me.

I handed her the letter and sat back on the cushion and closing my eyes, imagining Marco being propositioned in prison.

Karma really was a bitch.

How his fucking cookie had crumbled.

I opened an eye and peaked over at Britt who had gotten quiet.

She sat there staring wide eyed at the envelope and then handed it back to me looking pale and almost sick to her stomach.

_"Open it."_ she said in a strained voice.

* * *

><p>I smiled at her and brushed her hair behind her ear before leaning in and kissing her forehead.<p>

Why did she seem worried?

This was a good thing.

I ripped open the envelope and then pulled out a letter, ironically written on legal paper.

I chuckled to myself and read it aloud.

_**Dear Santana,**_

_**As you can see I have a new address. I lost my job and was disbarred after I was caught with my hand in the proverbial cookie jar with that whole escort business. **_

_**It wasn't as legal as I made it out to be. When you arrive at Columbia you will be greeted with a new dean since dear Mr. Evans is also out of a job as well. I also had the unfortunate luck of having my medicine on me when I got picked up. So it looks like I'll be here for a while.  
><strong>_

_**You are probably gloating and I don't blame you. **_

_**You are my only real family and I don't want to be lost here and forgotten. So I'm going to put your name on my visitors list. **_

_**Please visit? **_

_**You should have received your divorce papers by now. **_

_**So you are now back to being Santana mfing Lopez. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. **_

_**Good luck with the baby and school I know you will make an amazing attorney!**_

_**Love always,**_

_**Marco Vega**_

* * *

><p><em>"I'm free!"<em>

I handed the letter to Brittany and then turned back around anxious to open the big Manila envelopes.

The first one was the papers that I had drawn up agreeing to handing money over to my sisters and for the rest to be deposited in my account.

I was walking away with 6.5 million dollars.

_"Is that your inheritance?"_ I nodded and looked up at her and smiled.

Her jaw was stuck open.

I wrinkled my nose and slid the paper off to the side like it was no big deal.

Because to me...it really wasn't.

_"This is what's left. I gave the rest to my sisters."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yea that's what I said."_

I opened the second envelope and saw two sets of divorce papers.

Before I could even ask, Britt handed me a pen and I sloppily signed both sets and then placed them back in the envelope.

* * *

><p>My stomach growled loudly and Britt smiled.<p>

_"Hungry?"_ I nodded my head and smiled back at her. As the day wore on she was slowly chipping away at the wall that I had built. _"I noticed all the food in your fridge is spoiled or growing hair so I am going to have to get take out."_

_"Okay, that's fine." _I yawned, suddenly realizing how exhausted I was. _"I'll just sleep while you shop, okay?"_

Brittany tucked me in bed for a much needed nap while she went to grab a change of clothes and food from Breadstix.

I promised her that I wouldn't move until she got back which wasn't a hard promise to keep since I was so relaxed.

It was amazingly easy to fall right to sleep, I knocked out almost immediately.

_"Ana? Sweetheart? You need to wake up."_

_"Five more minutes." _I grumbled as I hugged my pregnancy pillow.

_"No, you have been asleep way too long already. Come on up, up!"_

* * *

><p>After trying to convince her that I didn't need to get up and failing, I gave in.<p>

I cracked open my eyes and could see that it was dark outside.

Britt stood above me with her hand out.

My body felt really heavy and my throat felt raw.

I didn't want to eat but I had promised to give up control to Britt for a while so that I could get better.

Because obviously my own judgment had been a bit off lately.

When I sat up Britt put a pair of thick socks on my feet which had previously felt like blocks of ice.

She then pulled me to my feet and held on tightly to my hand as she brought me out to my dining room.

I rolled my eyes when I saw that Rachel and Quinn sat there waiting for me.

_"Great, company." _

I looked at Britt and she nodded towards the table, ignoring my comment.

I sighed dramatically and then took a seat across from Rachel it was the furthest from Q that I could get at the moment.

Traitor.

* * *

><p>We ate dinner in silence after Quinn insisted that we pray first.<p>

I was just tremendously annoyed with her even though I had forgiven Britt.

I sighed and looked at her with a tight smile and I tried not to be annoyed for Britt's sake.

But of course, the combo of my hormones and her forced laughter made me want to gag.

I swallowed my pasta instead and just continuously stuffed my mouth with Breadstix, anytime the conversation turned towards me but of course Rachel always gets her way.

She had been there for me, I couldn't be a bitch to her if I tried.

_"So how was your first day back Santana?"_

_"Miserable Rachel…you know a slushy shower does that to you, a facial would have been a step up."_

_"Tell me about it…what color was it?"_

_"Blue Raspberry."_

_"Ugh…that burns the most! Are your eyes alright?"_

How endearing...bonding with the hobbit!

I couldn't hold back my small smile when I looked at her.

_"Yes. I'm fine thanks!"_

_"So are you coming back to Glee tomorrow?"_

_"I don't know, I don't really want to."_ I mumbled as I finished off the food on my plate and showed it to Britt.

She smiled and leaned in to kiss my lips.

I smiled and kissed her back.

_"That is disgustingly cute!"_ Quinn muttered as she pushed her food around on her plate.

Something was bothering her and I had a feeling that I didn't want to know about it.

* * *

><p>It had been months since I had actually attended glee club and I had apparently missed a lot.<p>

Like Puck's new girlfriend joining.

Rachel and Quinn were now openly dating and sat together up at the front.

We had apparently won sectionals and were hosting regionals for the first time since the 60s or something.

The biggest shocker for me though, was the Amy Winehouse tribute that we would be doing.

And as every old glee clubber knew, Amy was my thing like Rachel with her show tunes.

It made me smile that, even in my absence an idea that I had thrown in a hat last May on a whim, was now coming to fruition.

I hadn't planned on coming back to the club but I had extra time in my day now since being signed out of AP Chemistry because of the chemical hazards.

Maybe being back in glee wasn't so bad.

They were doing Amy, so I could definitely devote myself to the group again.

When I walked into the meeting a few minutes late because of my overactive bladder, everyone seemed excited..

Even Q since I hadn't even told her that I would be back.

They were in the middle of an insane argument about me actually when I walked in.

I cleared my throat, instantly halting the argument.

* * *

><p><em>"Hey...guys...Mr. Shue is it alright if I come back?"<em>

_"Of course Santana, we are your family."_

I screwed up my face and nodded.

Right...maybe I didn't miss his dumb assertions but I could just ignore that.

None of these people showed up when my dad died...some family they were.

I took a seat in the front next to Q, not really wanting to be next to B and her new BFF Olivia.

_"As I was saying, I think that Santana would be great to sing the lead vocal, as she has already shown that she can master Amy Winehouse."_ Rachel said standing next to Mr. Shue. _"And now that she's back...we don't have to convince her to do it."_

I smiled at Rachel and blushed a bit.

Of course my shining moment was interrupted by an obnoxious voice somewhere behind me.

_"And I still stand by the fact that she abandoned us and should just sing in the background so that no one can see what a disgrace she is!"_

I bit down on my lips and calmly turned to look at her.

When I looked up at her and saw her roll her eyes at me, I lunged from my chair straight at her stupid fucking face.

I was grabbed by about six people but still managed to land a slap right across her face.

Take that, bitch!

* * *

><p><em>"You don't know me, I will go all Lima Heights up in here!"<em>

_"Yea okay, richy rich! Try Lima Heights Adjacent! Stop fronting! You are just a slut who doesn't even know who her baby's father is!"_

Everyone stood around waiting for me to lunge again but I turned to Puck with teary eyes.

_"Fuck you, Noah Puckerman. You were the last fucking guy that I trusted, when you called and asked if the baby was yours, I was honest with you. With just YOU!"_

_"TT?"_

_"No! Fuck you!"_

I hadn't told many people that I wasn't sure about the paternity of the baby.

It was a sore spot for me and the fact that he thought he could share that with his demon girlfriend was uncalled for.

I didn't storm out of the room after that because I was pregnant and tired.

Storm outs are for when I was a size two and cheerleading.

So, pregnant Santana, just turned back around, ignoring the stunned silence and looked over at Rachel.

_"You were saying, Berry?"_ I said trying to turn the attention back to Rachel.

_"Wait, is no one going to do anything? She just slapped me."_ Olivia said as she stood to her feet coming all the way in front of me and started wagging a finger in my face.

_"Get your finger out my face pop mark!"_ I said in a growl.

Everyone turned towards Rachel including Mr. Shue.

It made me smile to see that they kind of did have my back.

Olivia let out a frustrated scream and stormed out the room not even half as good as I could have done.

Puck like the whipped puppy he is went running after her.

I rolled my eyes and looked back at Rachel.

She smiled at me and then launched into her argument.

_"What I was saying, Santana was..."_

* * *

><p>I was amazed at just how many classes I was down because of the baby.<p>

Apparently, everything is a hazard.

I was out of Chem, Track, and AP Physics.

So I was left with three open blocks in my day.

I was expected to use the time as independent study and was looking forward to just using the time to sleep in the library but then Holly Holiday was hired full-time.

Apparently, I wasn't the only pregnant teen walking around after break so Figgins added an extra health course for us.

So much for sleep.

It was supposed to be listed as just general health to keep up with confidentiality but I mean it's not like it was a shocker.

The bonus to it all was that they were also pulling in teen mothers, so while she had given Beth up for adoption, Quinn was still forced into the course and I couldn't help gloating just a little.

_"This is really fucked up San."_

_"It may be informative to you."_

_"I don't plan on popping any kids out until well after med school."_

_"So then you are the class beacon!"_ I said dramatically giving a good show of spirit fingers. _"Embrace your light, Lucy Q!"_

_"Screw you, San."_

_"Ugh. While I admit that would be hot...It would be almost incestuous! Like when you dated Sam...the resemblance was insanely creepy!"_

_"I can see that now that I am on the other side. I think brunette's are just hotter."_ I flicked my hair and nodded with a smirk. She rolled her eyes, _"Anyway, so you think that I can convince Holly to send me back to study hall?"_

* * *

><p>Before I could answer that with another smart as remark, Ms. Holiday came strolling into the room.<p>

She smiled at us and put her fists on her hips just like an ex-cheerleader would do.

I wouldn't doubt it.

_"No Quinn you can't! In fact, I specifically requested your presence."_ Holly said as she strolled to the front of the room.

Quinn looked appalled.

_"With all due respect Ms. Holiday, it was hard enough getting to a point where I can even mention Beth without crying. I really don't want to go through that again. Please?"_

_"Well if you seriously feel that you have no advice to share or nothing to learn, then please feel free to go."_

That's it Holly, stroke her ego!

_"I mean there is plenty of advice that I could give but I doubt that I have much to learn."_

This argument was getting tedious and although I saw Quinn's point, I also knew that her help had already been a saving grace for me.

So I leaned across the aisle and rubbed her hand and smiled genuinely.

_"Q, come on give it a shot. This will totally look good on your med school resume!"_ I whispered.

She nodded in realization and then turned back to the front.

_"Okay. I'm in."_

By the end of the class it seemed that Quinn was actually glad that she stayed and so was I.

There was no way that I could be in a room with these losers without her.

* * *

><p>As we stepped out of the classroom we were immediately frozen as a bullhorn sounded.<p>

Sue had trained us so well that the very sound of that thing could stop me, even if I were in labor.

_"Q! Preggers the sequel! My office now!" _she growled.

This couldn't be good.

She hadn't insulted my pregnancy to date and so she must be angry with me in some way.

Quinn and I looked at each other and then quickly followed behind Sue, not wanting to anger her any further.

I had long quit managing the Cheerios and Q was apparently doing a bang up job as captain, better than the first time.

So why was Sue so pissed off?

One word.

Brittany.


	39. Chapter 39:BrokenHearted Girl

**Chapter 39: Broken-Hearted Girl (Beyoncé)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>So why was Sue so pissed off? <strong>_

_**One word. **_

_**Brittany.**_

* * *

><p>Sue had moved the chairs from the center of the floor and forced me and Q to stand as she circled us, like a hungry lion.<p>

We both kept our heads down trying to avoid all measures of eye contact with her.

Her presence was enough...eye contact just egged her on.

We stood still with our hands clasped behind our backs just trying to get through this unscathed.

_"Can either of you tell me why Madonna herself just called crying about Brittany quitting the tour?"_

My head snapped up before I could stop myself, I looked straight at Sue and then over at Q, who hadn't even flinched and then back at Sue...I couldn't contain myself.

This was news to me!

_"What?"_

I looked over at Quinn again and although her head was bowed, she was turning bright red.

Fuck, Q!

I became just as enraged as Sue.

_"Quinn! You knew? You knew and you didn't fucking say anything to me?"_

She jumped in place as I yelled nearly in her ear.

I had been playing nice ever since that dinner at my apartment a few weeks ago and she lied to me all this time.

For weeks, we had been in a good place but now...that was out the fucking window!

_"S?"_ Sue barked at me.

_"Yes coach?"_

_"How do I deal with secrets?"_

_"Other than water-boarding? Immediate expulsion from the team."_

I watched as tears fell from Quinn's face straight to the floor.

That was the last thing that she wanted.

I took a step away from her because I could see that Sue was about to rip into her and I didn't want to be caught in the crossfire.

_"How long have you known about this, Q?"_ Sue asked calmly.

Quinn must have had a good reason not to say anything at that moment because instead of answering Sue like she normally would she just shrugged her shoulders.

Bad move.

Sue was fuming now, pacing back and forth and clenching her fists.

* * *

><p><em>"Q, don't make it harder on yourself."<em> I urged but she shook her head, still refused to say anything.

Why was she being so stubborn?

I could see that she was now crying pretty hard.

Her shoulders were curled in on themselves and she was shaking.

God, what had I missed?

I tried to coax her a few more times but each time I spoke, she cried even harder.

What the fuck?

_"Santana! Go out to the field and get Brittany!"_ Sue barked at me.

I hesitated because while I had stepped away from Q, I still didn't want to abandon her but then for the first time Q spoke to me.

_"Go San."_ she mumbled. _"I'm fine here." _

I didn't believe her for a second but I wasn't going to stand there like an idiot and make Sue angrier.

* * *

><p>I found B sitting on the bottom of the bleachers in her street clothes with her prized uniform crammed in her fists.<p>

Sue had already taken action against her.

This was worse than I thought, apparently she was waiting for Sue to come get her.

She looked like she was about to go head off to war.

_"B?"_ I said as I touched her shoulder.

She looked up with scared eyes obviously not expecting me...given that I had barely spoken to her since the whole slushy incident and her short sweetness weeks ago.

Once she went home that night, I had pulled back into my shell but continued to eat and appear healthy, so we just barely spoke or rather I just half ignored her.

Here I was though, trying to help her.

_"Yea?"_ she croaked out to me.

_"Sue wants to see you in her office. Come on, I left Q in there alone and I think Sue is going to kill her."_

_"Oh no."_

Britt gaped back at me in horror as she nervously stood to her feet.

She looked at me with sad eyes and then walked around me and started heading down the tunnel that led to the locker rooms and coaches offices.

No pinky link...just her walking as fast as her legs could carry her.

I was getting heavier and walking was a pain in the ass but I tried my best to keep up with her but she seemed to be walking faster than me on purpose.

But that didn't seem right.

I pushed myself to move faster and was almost on her heels.

Almost.

Sue's office was deadly quiet when we got there.

The door had been open but there were no sounds.

Britt pushed the door open more and then quickly closed it in my face before I could enter.

Huh?

I heard the lock click soon after that.

You have got to be kidding me!

* * *

><p>I stepped to the side and watched them through the window.<p>

Britt was crying hard as she put her uniform on Sue's desk.

Just like Q, the Cheerios were a dream.

And losing it hurt more than anything.

Quinn still stood just as I had left her but Sue now sat behind her desk with her head resting on her fists.

Britt stood in front of the desk now blocking Q from Sue's vision and was mumbling something to Sue.

I kept catching Sue shooting me quick looks through the window.

Almost like she felt sorry for me.

Was this about me?

Oh hell no!

I wasn't going to stand for it, I couldn't stand there and watch this any longer.

I walked off to my gym locker and sat in front of it thinking about everything that had happened.

What was I missing?

How could they leave me out of this if it had something to do with me?

* * *

><p>I opened my book bag, dug in the pockets and finally found my keys.<p>

Screw them.

Santana Lopez, still had her ways.

I was excited that I still had the spare key to Sue's office.

I stood up and went to walk back to the office when I felt a hand on my arm.

Maybe I didn't need the key.

I turned to find Q standing there with bloodshot eyes.

This shit ended here and now.

_"What else aren't you telling me, Q?"_

_"You should sit back down."_

_"Why?"_

_"Please? San...please just sit?"_ she whispered.

This was the first time that I had ever seen her beg for anything from me, so I sat down and looked up at her expectantly.

I may have wanted to kick her ass for being evasive but if she was telling me to sit down, then it was for a reason.

* * *

><p><em>"It happened after Christmas...when we left your apartment the three of us got trashed and some things were said...things that I should have kept to myself."<em>

I raised my eyebrow at her and was mentally trying to remember if there was anything that I was keeping from B.

But I couldn't think of anything.

_"I don't get what you could have said that would be bad."_

_"That...that I..."_

_"Spit it out Q!"_

_"That I'm..."_

_"That's she's in love with you."_ I heard Britt loud and clear from behind me. I looked at my best friend could see the sadness in her eyes. _"and how you two slept with each other."_

_"What the fuck?!" I stood up and put my finger in Q's face. "Why Q? That was ages ago we were kids. You begged me to never bring it up again. We agreed we wouldn't talk about it. Remember?"_

Q shrugged.

_"I guess I...was just jealous."_

_"You're dating Rachel!"_

_"I...I don't know what to say." _She finished lamely.

_"Do you love her back, Ana?"_ Britt croaked out.

I turned to Britt and shook my head.

_"No B, always and only you."_ I said without a moment's hesitation and that's when I watched B's face shatter into a million pieces.

There was more?

I jumped to my feet and opened my arms to her as she broke.

She wrapped her arms around me and cried into my shoulder.

I rubbed at her back and kissed her shoulder as she placed her hand on my stomach.

Even in her sadness, she was acknowledging the baby.

It calmed me until I paid closer attention to her crying.

She kept mumbling in my ear the same phrase over and over again.

_"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."_

I stood back and pushed her shoulder with my good hand but this time I didn't push her away, I held tight.

_"Why are you sorry, B?"_

_"That I didn't have faith in us...that's why I did it."_

I let go of her and finally sat down, I knew what she was going to say before she even said it...my heart was shattering in my chest.

* * *

><p><em>"Who was she?"<em>

_"Huh?"_

_"Who did you fuck?"_

_"My choreographer, that's why I quit the tour, because she wanted more from me and I didn't want to be stuck on tour with her. I came home after that just in time to see you for Christmas but you didn't want to see me and then..."_

_"Wait who else? You fucked more than one person?"_

Britt nodded and then covered her face.

I could see Q choking up again.

It hit me then like a motherfucking Mac truck.

_"Wait you two?"_ I looked between my two friends and jumped up. I suddenly stood toe to toe with Quinn. _"Does Rachel know?"_

Quinn shook her head and then looked back down at her hands.

I turned back towards B who still had fear in her eyes.

_"Was there anyone else?"_

She nodded and held up one finger.

I felt winded as if I took a punch to my gut.

Pissed, I grabbed my bag from the floor slipped it on and then tucked my arm in the sling.

I was trying to calm myself down before I exploded.

I tried to talk myself out of wanting to know who the third person was and was almost ready to walk away when my curiosity got the best of me.

_"Who?"_ I finally got out.

Britt stepped back and shook her head.

She had been hoping that I would back down but I couldn't.

_"I can't please."_

_"Who?"_

_"Ana...it doesn't matter."_

I was running faces through my head but couldn't really think of anyone that would get her this scared to tell me.

_"Marco."_ she whispered it and I had barely heard it.

* * *

><p>I had to make sure I heard correctly.<p>

_"As in my ex-husband, Marco?"_

She nodded.

Then I remembered her face when I had handed her the letter from Marco.

Did she think that he was going to tell me?

Not a chance.

She had fucked him and then came back on a high horse.

_"Fuck you, Brittany."_

I turned to Q and then smiled before bringing my hand back swinging straight at her treasured new nose.

She threw her hands up to block her face but I had stopped inches before I made contact.

There was no point.

_"You're not even fucking worth it."_ I spat at her feet instead and walked out of the locker room.

My world had gone to shit and it was at the hands of those closest to me.

Why was I surprised?

I managed to make it all the way to my apartment before collapsing on my living room floor and crying.

My heart felt like it was trying to pry itself from my chest.

* * *

><p><em>"I don't know what to do."<em>

_"Do you love them both?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Would they forgive you if the tables were turned?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Is this the network you want around your child?"_

_"They are my chosen family."_

_"Do you think they will do it again?"_

_"Quinn definitely won't. I have never seen her like this."_

_"And Brittany?"_

_"I am pretty sure that she won't. I have never seen her look this horrible either."_

_"And you love them?"_

_"Unconditionally."_

_"Well then, Santana it seems like you have the answer."_

_"Yea, I guess I do. Thank you so much for speaking with me Mrs. Adams."_

_"Absolutely, anytime. Just remember that your baby comes first."_

_"Thank you."_

* * *

><p>I ended the call and thought of the advice that I had just gotten.<p>

It had been days since I had spoken to either or them.

School suddenly became a lonely place but then I did have one person.

I just didn't know how to approach her.

Because from what I could tell Rachel, was in the same place.

We hadn't talked to each other about it yet because it just seemed too raw.

Now though, after over a week and my heart hurting more and more I had to figure a way out of it.

How many mistakes had I made?

How many fucked up decisions had led me to where I am?

And I was still forgiven by both Brittany and Quinn?

I could either be bitter or I could just accept it.

* * *

><p>I needed to let B sit a little longer though because her shit was premeditated and twisted and just fucking ugly.<p>

My best friend though, had been through hell and back with me.

She always had my back.

And she gave up Cheerios for me.

She stood up to Sue and accepted her punishment.

So, I would talk to the first chance I got but before anything I needed to talk to Rachel.

**_Hey...u ok?-Santana_**

**_Absolutely not okay right now. How about you?-Rachel_**

**_I'm getting there, can you come over?-Santana_**

**_Yes. I will be there shortly.-Rachel_**

**_Bring cookies. ;)-Santana_**

* * *

><p>In the time it took for Rachel to get to my apartment, I had settled within myself that if I was going to get through this then I needed her on my side.<p>

When I opened the door for her she looked like someone had just kidnapped her puppy.

She looked up at me with these sad eyes and I couldn't help but comfort her.

I wiped the tears from her eyes and then kissed her forehead.

That was the only bit of sadness that I could show.

Seconds later I put a smile on my face.

_"Hey Rachel!"_ I said excitedly wrapping her in an intense hug.

I was hoping my excitement would catch on.

She looked taken a back momentarily but then smiled.

_"Wow, that baby bump is growing. Can I touch it?"_

_"Without taking me to dinner? Isn't that like second base?"_

She held up a bag and smiled.

_"I brought you dinner and dessert!"_

_"So you came with the intention to take advantage of me?"_

She reddened and held her hands in the air.

_"I'm sorry?"_

_"Rach I'm just messing with you. Go ahead and fondle me." _

_S_he scowled and I winked pushing my stomach towards her.

I was coming up on my fifth month in two days and my stomach was much more noticeable.

Rachel put the bags down on the coffee table and then knelt in front of me.

_"Okay, that's definitely third base...at least!"_

_"Oh shush already. I am trying to get acquainted with my niece or nephew."_

_"Nephew. It's a boy."_

Rachel looked up at me in awe and then smiled.

_"Hey there little man. This is Auntie Ray. I can't wait to meet you!"_ She rested her hands on either side of my little belly and then kissed it in the center. Just then I felt the flutter. _"Was that what I think it was?"_

_"Yea...I guess he is excited to meet you too. Now get up it's starting to get weird in here."_

And finally, she let out a laugh.

Score!

* * *

><p>We sat at the table eating salad and breadstix since I still couldn't really stomach meat.<p>

It felt good to have an ally.

_"So how did you take it?"_ I asked straight away.

_"Would it be bad if I told you that I kind of understood it?"_

I felt my eyes go wide as I looked at her blush.

_"Enlighten me Rach...make me understand what you do. Help me to get where you are. Please?"_

_"Seriously?"_

_"No bullshit. These are my two best friends and I want to be able to forgive them and move on."_

_"Okay, um...Let me first say that while I understand how it happened I'm still incredibly angry with them."_

_"Oh yea, Me too but I don't want to be anymore."_

_"Yea, me either."_

_"So then what do we do?"_

_"Right, the way that I see it is that Quinn has always had you, known you best, knew you first. It was pure jealousy. Brittany had a part of you that Quinn never could. Now you are all on a level playing field. You slept with them both, they have slept with each other."_

_"That's a bit incestuous don't you think?"_

_"Yea but I think you are strong enough that you can move past it. I think this made Quinn realize that she wants the idea of you but when she had you and Britt she could feel that your love was elsewhere."_

_"You guys talked about all this?"_

_"Oh yes, Quinn and I talk everything through. We leave no stone unturned. It's why I didn't break up with her. It's why she and I will last."_

_"Do you think me and B will last?"_

_"Oh yes. If you get through all of your hangups, she will follow you to the end of time. You have always wanted to be loved, cherished and to never be alone and the miracle of that all is?"_

_"I have that in Britt."_

_"Exactly."_

* * *

><p>My five month check up came up quickly.<p>

I had been going to my appointments alone and got depressed each time that I couldn't share it with anyone.

Quinn and I had finally made up after my talk with Rachel a week ago but we were still weird around each other.

I kept wondering if she was still in love with me or if she enjoyed sleeping with Britt.

I was losing it but I kept coming back to the same thought.

She was my best friend at the end of the day and she was the best damn friend a person could have.

She loved me unconditionally and I needed her in my life so, it was just going to have to keep getting better day by day.

I knew that I could ask her to go with me to my check up but in my heart I knew that there was only one person that I wanted there.

I just had to get over my hangups.


	40. Chapter 40:Come Back Song

**Chapter 40: Come Back Song (Darius Rucker)**

* * *

><p>…<em><strong>but in my heart, I knew that there was only one person that I wanted there.<strong>_

**_I just had to get over my hangups._**

* * *

><p>After getting booted from the Cheerios, Britt and Q had started an after school dance troop which in my opinion kicked ass.<p>

They were doing just fine without Sue and it annoyed the fuck out of her.

I had sat in on some of the practices and was insanely impressed, I could see why they wanted Britt on that tour so badly.

They looked like they were having so much fun and like they didn't miss the Cheerios one bit.

I wanted to be out there dancing along with them but I was now classified as a high risk pregnancy and was supposed to be taking it easy, I hadn't shared that tidbit with anyone but Rachel.

It was the day of my check-up and I was sneaking into another dance practice, I had thirty minutes to get to my appointment but I just wanted to watch Britt, I missed her so much.

It had been over a month since that day in the locker room and I still hadn't said two words to her, now though, as I was halfway through my pregnancy at 20 weeks I needed her now more than ever.

Her touch was what I had missed the most.

I still had another week with my cast on and I really didn't want to drive myself even though I had a better range of motion and my arm didn't really hurt anymore.

In the meantime, Rachel had been taking me to my check-ups but today she had an audition or something and left me stranded.

* * *

><p>Silently, I watched from the back of the gym as the music to one of Britt's favorite songs of the moment, <em>"Dynamite"<em> by Taio Cruz came blasting over the speakers.

I thought it got annoying after a while but she thought it was the perfect song to dance too.

And while I was skeptical when I first heard it come on, watching Britt improvise was almost like watching magic happen.

Her dancing was arrogant and in your face but that was how Britt danced the best.

The beat was going and the troop was moving in unison behind B and following her moves.

Then the song dropped off and the beat got louder, that's when I saw her.

Britt had on those booty shorts and a tank I bought her awhile back.

She was doing a solo and the way she moved made me hot and made me want to jump her.

I had been so entranced that I didn't notice that she was now dancing alone.

I felt a body next to me but I only had eyes for one person.

_"San?"_ Quinn said as she was trying to catch her breath._  
><em>

_"Hmmm?"_

_"San?"_

_"Shhh...she's coming."_ I said as I watched that fine ass body move towards me.

Britt had finally spotted me and her blue eyes were sparkling.

She pulled out her hair tie and shook her hair out and I felt my throat get dry at the sight.

These hormones were a bitch, I was supposed to be angry at her but I felt nothing but passion.

* * *

><p>When she stood right in front of me I couldn't take my eyes off her and her nipples were perky and peaking out at me.<p>

I licked my lips and before I knew what I was doing I stood up and pulled her lips against mine.

The kiss was slow and searing.

As she touched me I felt my skin tingle.

I felt my son kick as I pressed into her and then she jumped back.

_"Cock-block"_ I muttered.

_"Did the baby just kick?"_ she asked excitedly.

_"Yes, at the most inconvenient of moments. He is so grounded when he comes out."_

_"Ana, you can't ground a baby."_

_"Just watch me!"_ I muttered.

_"Did you get to see me dance?"_

_"Yea and it was fucking hot."_ She blushed as I pulled her back to my lips but just then the alarm on my phone went off. _"Shit."_

_"What's wrong? What was that?"_

_"It's the reason I came here actually. Do you want to come to my sonogram with me?"_

_"Yes! I want to more than anything!"_ she was jumping up and down clapping her hands and I couldn't help but laugh.

* * *

><p>I laid on the table at the doctors' office with my stomach out and ready to get covered in that gross stuff.<p>

I hated it but I endured it for what came after that.

Britt lightly placed a hand on my stomach causing me to jump.

I looked up and saw the tears in her eyes.

_"I have missed so much. Do you know what it is yet?"_

I nodded my head and then placed my cast covered hand over hers.

I took my other hand and wrapped it around her waist and pulled her closer.

_"It's a boy."_

She leaned down and kissed my lips sweetly and then kissed my belly right in the center.

I thought of Rachel immediately and laughed out loud.

Britt looked up at me puzzled but I just smiled and pulled her down for another kiss.

I wanted her back with me...I just needed her to see that I was ready to just be with her and that I needed the same from her.

* * *

><p>This wasn't my first time hearing my son's heartbeat but you could tell that it was Britt's.<p>

She stared at the monitor in awe and held my hand tightly.

_"That's amazing! Can I have a copy of that?"_

_"If it's okay with the mom."_

_"Doc, this is his other mom she can have whatever she wants."_

_"In that case, I hope to see you more often Brittany. The next couple months are going to be rough for Santana. She needs low stress, foot rubs, and that low cal diet that I sent her home with last time."_

_"Why is there something wrong with the baby? With Santana?"_

I turned my face from them and focused only on the screen with my son's profile.

I was hoping to avoid this topic but it looked like I wasn't going to get that wish.

I was trying not worry about it so I had just been ignoring the diet plan and just ate less of everything and tried to avoid stressful situations.

_"Santana? Have you been secretive?"_ The doctor asked me but I didn't answer instead I just shrugged. _"Brittany are you serious about taking care of these two?"_

_"Absolutely, from here on out I will do what ever needs to be done for my family. I promise."_

I couldn't help the smile that crossed my face.

I kept my face looking away.

There were tears in my eyes already.

_"That's good to hear. You being around is important because Santana here has gestational diabetes. She also has high blood pressure. This can cause strain on the baby and cause complications during labor. Santana tells me that she has been tremendously stressed lately and that she has been just barely been hanging on...I know you didn't want me to divulge this much Santana...but it is for the best. Brittany, I hope you can see why I'm worried for both of them?"_

My body shook as I began to cry.

Holding all of this stuff in had been hard on me.

Rachel did the best that she could but she wasn't B.

Brittany squeezed my hand tightly and then whispered to me sweetly,

_"I'm here now, Ana, don't cry!"_ she kissed me again and then wiped my face.

I was overwhelmed with my life, I had been shouldering that burden for two months.

I knew that my life was in jeopardy and so was the life of my son and I was utterly terrified.

* * *

><p><em>"Why didn't you tell us?"<em>

We sat at my dining room table with Quinn and Rachel as Brittany looked at me waiting for an answer to her question.

_"I told Rachel."_

They both shot daggers at her.

_"I did what I could. San and I eat dinner together every night. We watch movies, I do all that I can, plus she begged me not to say anything."_

_"It's okay. I'm okay. I have been doing everything. I don't even wander the halls at school anymore. I got the okay to drive my car and now that the cast is coming off in a week, I can do more but I still haven't driven. I'm trying my best here, okay?"_

_"Okay, fine but me and Britt could have helped you."_

_"Well...stuff got in the way but you know now so feel free."_

_"We just need to be honest with each other...there is so much tension and crap going on but we are a family and we can't let crap pull us apart." _

Quinn looked at me desperately like she had been holding in this speech for a long time.

_"I couldn't agree more Q and I'm trying but I just have all of this on my mind."_

_"Okay, I totally understand, but can we all just agree to no more secrets?"_ Quinn looked at me apologetically.

This was the first time that we all addressed the situation while we are all in the same room.

I had forgiven Q and Rachel had forgiven her and Britt.

It as me though that was the hold up, I was on the fence with Britt so it really came down to me in the end.

I just wanted my little family back together so eventually, I had to forgive her.

So I said what I had to make things better.

_"Look, let's get rid of the elephant in the room and push it behind us. Are you two done sleeping together?"_ I looked between Quinn and Britt. They both nodded their heads. _"Then all is forgiven. Right, Rach?"_

_"Yes. Can we put it behind us, now?"_

_"I would love to!"_ Quinn breathed out a sigh of relief.

_"What about my other two, Ana?"_

Britt said cautiously as she looked at me nervously.

Fuck!

Rome wasn't built in a day...I knew that there was more to the story and Britt wouldn't do it to be spiteful...right?

I could suck it up and get over it, for now.

_"As much as it hurts me to think about it...let's just call it even for now. Okay B?"_

She nodded and wrapped her arms around me.

Before I knew it I was at the center of a big group hug.

I allowed it for a couple seconds and then I began to push away when I had enough.

* * *

><p>Quinn and Rachel left soon after the sappy and endless hug.<p>

Now that they were gone, that left me and B alone together for the first time in months.

I didn't know how to act so I just tried to go about my nightly routine and she would jump in somewhere, I figured.

I got up from the table and climbed into my usual nook on the couch.

Exhausted, I pulled my big blanket from the back of the couch and wrapped it around myself.

I had been doing this ritual for so long that I didn't even realize that Britt was watching me.

I grabbed a book from the coffee table and began to read.

_"So this is what you do every night?"_ B asked as she perched on the edge of the coffee table right in front of me.

_"Pretty much." _I shrugged not thinking it was a big deal...there were things that I had done in the past._  
><em>

I couldn't party anymore so I indulged in other things.

_"Do you even exercise?"_

_"Ummm...not really. I have been waiting for the ice to melt."_

I shrugged, it was mid-March so that could be true right?

_"Come on get up and get dressed."_ S

he grabbed my book right out of my hands and put it on the table behind her, far enough out of my reach that I would have to uncurl myself and get up just to get it back.

_"Why?"_ I was whining now. _"I just want to sit here, my ankles hurt."_

_"If you walk around the block with me just once I will give you a foot rub when we get back."_

_"Make it a foot rub and a back rub and you've got yourself a deal!"_

* * *

><p>Once I got outside and the fresh air hit me I immediately began to feel better.<p>

I wrapped Britt's hand in mine and didn't let go.

_"Thanks for getting me out here, B"_

_"I said that I am going to take care of you and I meant it...its been way too long that you have been doing it alone."_

_"Yea it has, plus, Valentine's Day sucked without you."_

_"Mmmm."_ she mumbled.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"Its just that...ugh...I know you said you wanted to put stuff behind us but I don't think I can."_

_"Would it make you feel better if you told me what you were thinking or what happened?"_

_"Don't you want to know, I would want to know at least some of it. Aren't you even a little curious?"_

_"No...not really but if it will make you feel better, at least tell me about how you ended up with Marco."_

She squeezed my hand a little tighter and then raised it to her lips and kissed it.

I knew that this was going to be hard for me to hear but I felt like if we could get through this then we could get through anything.

* * *

><p><em>"When I first got to the city back in November, I had to sit out of practice for the first few days because of the concussion. I still showed up to every practice that whole week because I didn't want to miss anything. One of the nights Frankie and I had been practicing this one move over and over again and you know me, I wouldn't sleep if I didn't get it just right so I stayed long after she left. Our practices were in the hotel so it wasn't like I had to leave the building to get to my room so I felt pretty safe. So that night as I'm practicing Marco showed up and started telling me about what he had done to you the night before. He told me how safe you thought you were in your father's house but that he could get to you anywhere and wanted to let me know that he knew how to get to me too.-"<em>

_"Wait, so this happened way back then, so he happened first? Right after you got him to leave my apartment? Right...after I hurt you?"_

I felt so sick to my stomach as I thought of how much Marco had gone off the deep end, he had some serious delusions of grandeur, as if he was fucking untouchable.

I took a deep breath and just hoped that he was enjoying his prison cell.

_"I know, he doesn't like to be embarrassed, you told me that once and now I have seen it myself. He kept threatening you and I had heard enough and so I told him that I would do whatever he wanted to get him to leave you alone, forever. So he offered to make me feel...he wanted me to see what it was that kept you coming back to him...I took him back to my room with me and he got me high and then it happened. I kept telling myself that this was for you and when it was over, he promised to back off. I was so sick when I saw that he couldn't touch you anyway because he had gotten locked away."_

_"Did he hurt you?"_

I was trying my best to stay calm but inside I was freaking out,

He had basically forced himself on her even after the assault charges and the restraining order he still found a way to stick it to me.

_"He tried to but I think I'm stronger than him or he was just too high to put up a fight."_

_"He wanted to control you after you made him leave the apartment. He wanted to get me back for pressing charges. Why didn't you tell me?"_

_"I tried. I called I texted and you didn't answer my phone calls. I felt dirty and heartbroken so I started partying with the other dancers to distract myself. One night, I went out to a club with them and Frankie was dancing close against me and she kissed me and I didn't stop it. I went back to Frankie's room with her a couple nights after that and we just fell into bed together. She started to get possessive and wanted me all to herself. If I mentioned you she freaked on me. I told her I couldn't deal with her, I needed to be with you. She wanted more from me and I wanted nothing from her. So I quit right before Christmas and I left that night, caught a plane and crashed at Quinn's._ _When I asked about you, Quinn told me how you were depressed and being a bitch to her but that you had reached out to Rachel. I just wanted see you for five minutes and you wouldn't let me, even though it was Christmas Eve so after that, I went back to Quinn's and we got really wasted and she told me how she loved you first and slept with you first. I was furious and so that night after Rachel left...we argued about you and before I knew it I was trying to prove to her why I was better for you. We knew that we should stop and we kept saying it over and over but then we got caught up. We both were miserable afterwards."_

_"Wow...so this Frankie chick got clingy?" _

I didn't want to think of her with Quinn or Marco any longer...those stung the most so I focused on the dumb bimbo instead.

_"Yea...I was waiting for my creepy kitten calendar."_

I barked out in laughter nearly slipping on ice.

Britt wrapped a hand tightly around my waist saving me from falling on my ass.

* * *

><p>When we got back up to the apartment, my bladder felt like it was going to explode so I rushed to the bathroom and when I came back out Britt was stretched across the bed reading my journal.<p>

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Reading your depressing journal!"_

_"Hey, I was in a dark place when I wrote that stuff."_

_"Okay...yea...I see that! I can also see that you really should learn to write with both hands...it looks like a chicken wrote this!"_

_"So you got jokes?"_

I grabbed the journal from her hands and leaned over and kissed her upside down.

_"That was like Spiderman!"_ she giggled and then gently pulled me down on the bed with her.

Being with her like this was how it was supposed to be.

No Marco...no tour...no stupid _"break"_ just me and Brittany.

I sat with my legs crossed against a ton of pillows and Britt laid on my knee with her lips pressed to my stomach.

She was mumbling to the baby and whatever she was saying excited him because it felt like he had invited friends over and was having a party in there.

* * *

><p>I looked down at Britt and felt tears suddenly spring to my eyes.<p>

I brushed her hair out of her face and was trying to stop the tears but they were now freely pouring down my cheeks, she still hadn't noticed not until I started to hiccup.

She looked up at me and when she saw the state that I was in she immediately sat up and pulled me into a tight hug.

She rubbed my back and I sobbed into her shoulder.

_"I'm sorry Britt Britt!"_

I wailed as I let out all the emotions that I had been bottling up.

_"Hey...no more apologies! We are good again, remember? I'm back...just like you wanted, like I wanted!"_ she smiled and kissed my wet face.

She let me sob for a while until I regained my senses.

Finally, I sat up and I wiped my eyes with my shirt and then looked up at her. She had been crying with me, silently.

I leaned forward and kissed each of her cheeks and brushed my thumb across her lips before leaning in to kiss them.

I sat back and looked into her eyes and the emotions were rolling around again, I could feel my eyes watering up again.

_"Ana, sweetie what's wrong?"_

_"What are we doing, here like this?"_

_"What do you mean, Ana?"_

_"What are we? Are we together? Is this still a part of the break?"_

_"I haven't really thought about it."_

_"I can't waste time B, I'm about to go through something huge. I need to know where we stand."_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I hope you are enjoying! R&R.**

**Until next time**

**-A**


	41. Chapter 41:Promise

**Chapter 41: Promise (Romeo Santos feat. Usher)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>"I can't waste time B, I'm about to go through something huge. I need to know where we stand."<strong>_

* * *

><p><em>"Let's get married!"<em> Britt said with the biggest smile on her face.

I knew that marriage was something that I wanted to do at some point but I was plain terrified to make that kind of commitment when we are so on/off all the time.

_"Whoa…B, that's way too fast. I just want something concrete like you being my girlfriend."_

_"What's more concrete than marriage, you asked me to marry you first…remember?"_

_"I remember and then our world fell apart, remember?"_

_"What are you so afraid of?"_

_"Getting my heart broken…again."_

_"Okay…sorry I brought it up. I realize trust has to be built up again."_

_"Exactly…so how about you move in with me, then after a few months maybe after graduation we can talk about marriage again?"_

_"Okay."_

_"So do you want to move in?  
><em>

_"I'm going to have to talk to my parents."_

_"Okay. Do you want me to go with you?"_

_"No. I can do this. I'm going to head over there now…are you okay for the night?"_

_"Um…yeah, I'm just going to take a shower and then maybe read for a little while. Call me okay?"_

She smiled as she gave me kiss after kiss, she was stalling.

I finally pulled back as she came in for yet another kiss.

_"Don't stall B, it's getting late. You should go talk to them."_

_"Okay…but before I go…will you be my girlfriend?"_

_"Yea…okay."_

_"You don't sound so sure…"_

_"Yes! I'm sure. I'm just nervous…I promised to be honest and I'm feeling scared of what this means. I know it's what I wanted but now that it is here…I feel like I'm going to screw it up somehow."_

She leaned over me and pulled me into a deeper kiss this time and I could feel all of her promises and desires and I knew that she meant it.

* * *

><p>I smiled and pulled back again.<p>

She looked down at me and rubbed her thumb across my lips just like I had done to her earlier.

_"You won't screw up, Ana…odds are that it will be me!"_ she winked but that kind of freaked me out a little bit. _"I was kidding"_

_"Yea, B…not a good time to joke, especially not when I'm doubting things."_

_"Then don't doubt things."_

_"Ugh..easier said than done."_

_"One more kiss?"_

I smirked and kissed her and then pulled back again and playfully pushed her back.

_"Go…so that maybe you can right come back tonight?"_

_"I will always come back to you!"_ she said as she walked out the bedroom.

I heard the front door close and I leaned back against the pillows and pressed my fingers to my lips.

I could do this…right? I could give my heart to her…I had done it before.

* * *

><p>My phone buzzed a few minutes later and I groaned as I reached across the bed to retrieve it.<p>

It was lost in the covers...how am I always losing things in there?

My head felt so full of cotton as I forced my brain to catch up.

I finally grabbed it and answered it seeing that it was Britt.

_"Hey B!"_

_"Um, Santana? It's Susan."_

_"Oh, Mrs. Pierce…hi…how are you?"_

_"Not too good at the moment."_

_"I'm sorry?"_

_"You asked Brittany to move in with you?"_

_"Yes. I know its extreme…its just that I could really use her help. I um…I'm a high risk pregnancy and I have gestational diabetes. I haven't been doing too well on my own and now that Britt and I are together again…she wants to be a part of the baby's life…um"_

I was panicking and was beginning to ramble.

_"Santana, honey, slow down…its okay. I just would have preferred if you two had sat down and talked to us about it instead of her just coming home and telling us that she was moving out."_

_"I'm so sorry…do you want me to come over and sit with you guys and talk to you? I can't really drive right now but I can walk?"_

_"You are not walking seven miles on icy sidewalks in your condition Santana, don't be silly! We are fine with it as long as she gets to school every day and her grades don't drop. She is going to Julliard and I want her to be able to keep up academically."_

I guess she finally told them that she quit the tour at some point.

_"Of course, as you know, I live literally across the street from school, so she will be there every day on time and her grades will not slip. I will continue to tutor her. I promise."_

_"Okay…well she and Rob are already on their way over there with her stuff."_

_"You mean you had already agreed?"_

_"I just wanted to know where your head was. You are a lot like me and she is a lot like Rob. I know how big this is for you. I wanted to make sure that you were okay with this."_

_"Thank you for understanding, Mrs. Pierce."_

_"Susan. It's been too long with this Mrs. Pierce business."_

_"Okay…Mrs…Susan?"_

_"Take care of yourself Santana and let me know if you need anything even if it's just a hug, understand?"_

_"Okay. Thanks."_

_"I love you Santana."_

_"Um…I love you too Susan. Good night!"_

What the heck just happened?

I was so confused as I sat there trying to digest my conversation with Britt's mom.

She understood that for me this was huge step, it was almost like a marriage to me.

* * *

><p>I got out of the bed and decided that I needed a shower to clear my head.<p>

My head just felt so full.

I stood with the water pouring down my back and my head still feeling cloudy.

Britt was moving in and that meant that there were things that I had to hide…

Secrets that needed to stay the way that they were.

I was panicking a little bit but I just knew that if I could get my thoughts under control then I would be okay.

And then I felt a sharp pain in my back that made me buckle to my knees.

Shit!

Now, I was suddenly feeling guilty and remorseful.

I began to cry with my forehead leaned against the back of the tub…how had this day turned so quickly?

Me...it was my fault.

I wish that I could turn back the clock from this morning or even an hour ago…I wish I could change all of my doubts.

I had to get myself together.

My sobs quieted down just as I heard the front door open and close.

When I heard Britt, I quickly tried to stand up but my back felt like it was breaking.

There was a lot of shuffling going on…I heard Britt and her dad talking and then I heard their footsteps to the front door.

I grabbed onto the bar that ran along the wall and tried again to get up but when you only have one good arm it is insanely difficult to get up in a slippery shower.

My body had quit on me and I couldn't move no matter how much I tried.

I didn't want Britt to see me like this because I knew that she would ask too many questions.

Questions that I wasn't prepared to answer just yet.

* * *

><p><em>"Ana? Are you okay? Why's the door locked?"<em> I didn't answer her and knew that I had only a matter of seconds before she picked the lock. What possessed me to teach her to pick a lock? Ugh! Fuck my life!_"Babe…you have been in there a while…I'm picking the lock if you don't respond."_

_"I'm okay…"_ I groaned out and knew immediately that I didn't sound believable,as a matter of fact I sounded the opposite of okay.

Shit!

I looked down in between my knees and saw that I was bleeding a little bit.

Shakily, I rubbed my stomach and could still feel him moving in there.

Thank God.

_"Come on mi'jo…please be okay. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Forgive me? Please?"_

I was crying again and didn't even try to get up anymore.

I heard the lock click and closed my eyes and began to pray really hard.

I was calling on every saint and spirit I knew the name of to watch over me, I even called out to my dad.

Sobbing out loud, I was trying to calm down but I knew it was no use.

The shower curtain was pulled back and I heard her gasp.

* * *

><p><em>"Santana you're bleeding…where is it coming from?"<em> I looked up at her and shook my head.

_"I can't get up, it hurts, B."_

_"We're going to the hospital…come on let me help you up."_

She leaned down and hooked her arms under my armpits and pulled.

I rested my head on her shoulder as I finally stood on my feet.

She let go and kept her arms out just in case I went down but I didn't.

For just that moment, I was stable.

She stepped back and kept looking at me as if she was trying to see through me.

Which was the last thing I wanted.

_"Don't move…stay right there and let me get you something to put on okay?"_

I nodded and held onto the wall and the bar.

My head was killing me and I was feeling a little light headed.

And on top of that, I knew that this was quickly getting serious.

* * *

><p>I felt the trickle down my leg and tried to look down but I couldn't see past my belly.<p>

Britt came into the bathroom on the phone and carrying a nightgown and a towel.

She seemed to be listening to directions from someone.

I stood there as she pulled the nightgown over my head.

_"Okay…yea…hold on she's right here."_

Britt handed me the phone and then wrapped blanket around me before picking me up.

I always seem to forget just how strong she is.

I was so focused on her that I forgot that she handed me the phone.

_"Hello? Ana? Are you there?"_

_"Mari?"_

_"It's going to be okay…this happens sometimes."_

_"Okay."_

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"It hurts?"_

* * *

><p>Britt was moving so quickly that I didn't even remember her carrying me out of the apartment and putting me in the passenger seat of my car.<p>

She wrapped the seat belt around me as I continued to talk.

_"What hurts the most?"_

_"My back…my lower back."_

_"How about your stomach?"_

_"No."_

_"Did you do anything out of the ordinary today?"_

_"Um…no?"_

_"Now is not the time to lie to me…please, I'm just trying to help you."_

_"I walked more than I usually do..."_

_"Okay…alright."_

_"Mari?"_

_"Yes…honey?"_

_"Is he going to be alright?"_

_"He? The baby…yes…we are going to do everything we can to make sure he is okay…me and Britt."_

_"Okay."_

I was drifting off.

_"Hey…hey you're not drowsy are you?"_

_"My head hurts…I just need to nap a little."_

_"NO!"_ I jumped at her suddenly loud voice.

"_Why not? Sandra said when I'm tired that I should sleep."_

_"The doctors are going to need to talk to you at the hospital just stay awake until you talk to them okay and then you can sleep."_

_"Promise?"_

_"Yes…sis…I promise."_

* * *

><p>Damariz kept me talking until we got to the hospital and I was put in a wheelchair and taken straight to emergency.<p>

Britt took the phone and was arguing into it.

What had happened that fast?

Damariz was being nice…why was Britt mad at her?

I tried my best to listen to Mari but it was so hard to stay awake.

And then, I heard Britt yelling from somewhere in the hall.

_"What do you mean I can't go back there? I am her family! Screw what I look like…that is Santana Lopez…her father was your boss! Come on…her sister is on the phone! Hey don't snatch my phone!"_

I was in and out of it and couldn't make heads or tails of anything.

Then, I was being poked and prodded and being asked a zillion questions that I couldn't quite answer.

I eventually fell asleep and it felt like I was floating.

Was I dead?

Was he?

I thought of Britt struggling in the hall and thought that maybe I should marry her so that she wouldn't be kept from me like that in emergencies.

A lot of thoughts hopped around my head as I lay there and I tried to remember each and everyone so that I could share it with Britt later.

* * *

><p>My head hurt really badly as I attempted to open my eyes.<p>

The light above me seemed brighter than the sun.

I tried lifting my arm to shield my eyes but it seemed so heavy.

When I opened my mouth to lick my dry lips, I couldn't make any saliva.

Gross.

I felt like I was falling back to sleep when I heard her voice.

_"Ana?"_

Britt's voice was so strained and even though sleep was fighting hard to pull me under again, I forced myself to look over to where the voice was coming from.

There she sat smiling softly at me as she stared hard at me.

Did something happen?

Did she know?

_"B? Water?"_

She shuffled around and then stuck a straw in my mouth.

The water tasted so amazing, so sweet!

I quickly finished it and asked for more and she brought me more.

Finally after three cups of water I was able to open my eyes fully.

* * *

><p>Britt looked terrible, like she had been fighting, crying, and screaming.<p>

And she probably had.

She looked down at me with a look of adoration and of love.

_"I'm ready."_

_"For what honey?"_

_"Marry me?"_ My voice squeaked.

_"Okay."_

_"Promise me?"_

_"I promise."_

_"You can have my heart back."_

_"Thanks…I will do my best to take care of it okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"You feel better? You gave me quite the scare."_

_"I'm so tired."_

_"Yea…Damariz said you would be. You lost a lot of blood."_

_"Is she okay?"_

_"Yes, she will probably be here in the morning when you wake up."  
><em>

_"Is the baby okay? Is…is he still there?"_

I was beginning to cry at the thought of losing him and it made my head hurt more.

_"Yes. He is doing just fine, it's his Mami that we are all worried about."_

_"Am I okay?"_

_"You will be."_

_"I want to go home."_

_"Tomorrow."_

* * *

><p><em>"Okay. What did the doctors say is wrong…why was I bleeding?"<em>

_"Combination of things, you are severely dehydrated, you're not resting enough, your sugar was insanely high."_

_"Oh."_

_"Yea, so right now they are just trying to stabilize you and at the latest you can come home on Sunday."_

_"But he is okay?"_

_"Yes. He is fine. I double checked."_

_"Thank you! I love you Britt."_

_"I will always look out for you, I love you back, always and only you!"_

She leaned in and kissed my lips and I smiled.

I fell asleep a little after that and felt relief at the fact that my son was still there and that he was okay.

God had heard my cry and was giving me another chance…I just hope I don't screw up this time.


	42. Chapter 42:By Your Side

**Chapter 42: By Your Side (Sade)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>God had heard my cry and was giving me another chance…I just hope I don't screw up this time.<strong>_

* * *

><p>"<em>Good morning, sleepy head!"<em>

When I woke up the next day, I was feeling much better.

My head was clearer and even though it still hurt, I could think straight again.

Thank God!

"_Morning B…can I go yet?"_

"_Soon…we are waiting for some test results."_

"_Is Mari here yet?"_

"_She's out in the hall…do you want me to go and get her for you?"_

"_Yea…would you mind if…do you think that I could…..can I talk to her alone?"_

"_Sure babe…whatever you want."_

_"Thank you."_

* * *

><p>My sister came bustling in a bit later and without me even having ask her to, she adjusted my bed for me.<p>

Then, she sat on the edge and looked me straight in the eyes.

She kept looking back and forth between them and then she rested a cool hand on my stomach.

I sighed and smiled at her.

_"Thank you for last night."_

"_You're hiding something…I can see it in your eyes."_

_"I know."_

_"It's bad."_

"_You're right."_

"_Does it have anything to with what happened?"_

"_Probably."_

"_Well whatever it is…stop doing it. You came close to losing him last night."_

"_Britt said that he is fine."_

"_He is…now. I'm not going to ask what you're hiding because I know the Lopez code of secrecy…but stop whatever it is."_

"_Okay. I'm sorry."_

"_Enough with the sorry…promise me you are going to start taking better care of yourself, Santana."_

"_Okay, I promise that I'll try."_

_"Try?"_

I shrugged...I couldn't lie.

_"Yes...try."_

"_And if you feel like you can't talk to Brittany about something…you can always talk to me. I know that I'm the bitchy sister but I have never betrayed anyone's confidences. First do not harm and all that shit." _

She smiled at me and rubbed my stomach.

"_Thank you for everything Mari. I really appreciate it."_

"_Of course…you are bringing another Lopez man into the world…it's the least that I can do."_

"_I love you."_

"_Aw…I love you too sis!"_

* * *

><p>I was so happy to be back in my own home!<p>

I was really starting to hate hospitals.

Britt was amazing and I was so glad that she had been there the night before.

If she hadn't, I would have lost someone so precious to me.

My son was quickly becoming my whole world.

Britt was a close second.

I was serious about wanting to marry her right away.

Britt set me up on the couch and brought me everything that I could possibly need.

She put my laptop on a TV table right next to me.

She put on my comfy socks and propped my feet up on the ottoman.

And She finally found my food guidelines from my doctor that I thought I threw away and made a shopping list.

She even turned up the heat when I told her how cold I felt even though I could tell that she was burning up.

If this was the next few months...I was going to go nuts.

But her heart was in a good place so I couldn't fault her too much.

* * *

><p>"<em>Okay babe, I'm going to go shopping as soon as Quinn gets here. Damariz just called to let us know that she got back home safely. Is there anything that you can think of that you need?"<em>

"_I have to pee." _

I felt bad as I told her this since she had just basically built a fort around me but she smiled without complaint, helped me to my feet and led me to the bathroom.

I had never been comfortable with people watching me relieve myself but I knew that there wasn't a chance that B would be leaving me alone anytime soon.

Once I was done she checked the bowl to make sure I wasn't bleeding, I rolled my eyes when she wasn't looking and shuffled over to the sink to wash my hands.

I felt a sharp stab in my back and cried out and leaned against the sink.

The panic on her face was more real than I had ever seen.

_"Are you okay…come on lets you get you back on the couch."_

She tried to pick me up but I refused.

_"No, B, I can walk. Mari said that I would have some back pain for a couple days. I'm okay."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes. Why don't you hold onto my arm just in case I get dizzy, okay?"_

Britt looked anxious as she walked me slowly through the bedroom and the dining room.

When I was finally back on the couch she seemed to be able to breathe again.

She readjusted me until I was back to how she had me before I got up and then sat in the recliner and looked at me with worry written all over her face.

_"Britt, I'm okay. I promise."_

_"I still feel like you are not saying something."_

_"I am fine. Okay?"_

_"Alright."_

* * *

><p>I was relieved when there was a changing of the guard and Quinn came breezing in.<p>

Britt stood up and rubbed my head and kissed my lips.

She then leaned all the way over and kissed my stomach.

Once she was finally done henpecking me, she stood up and grabbed my debit card and her shopping list.

_"Okay Q, she has everything that she needs. She shouldn't have to move. Don't stress her out and if you need anything at all…call me. Okay?"_

Quinn laughed and put her hands on Britt's shoulders.

My jealousy spiked at the contact but I swallowed it as Quinn rolled her eyes.

Britt's back was to me but Quinn had seen my face.

She dropped her hands and hugged herself without dropping her smile.

Better Fabray, I winked.

_"Britt…sweetie just breathe, I have had years of practice with Santana."_ Britt nodded and took a deep breath. _"Now get out of here and let San breathe you know she hates being smothered."_

Britt looked back at me worriedly and then nodded again as she left.

She looked towards me one more time and then shut the door.

Finally!

* * *

><p><em>"Has she been like that since you got home from the hospital?"<em>

_"Yes…its endearing but I needed a break from it."_

_"Well here I am."_

_"That you are. She moved in."_

_"I heard…you do realize that she calls me every single time that there is a development in your relationship…right?"_

_"Yeah I can see that."_

_"I'm happy for you guys."_

_"Thanks. We talked last night before the hospital…just like Rachel says that you two do."_

_"Oh…one of those conversations, I don't care for them but they help. Don't they?"_

_"Somewhat. I mean I understand better why she did what she did with Marco, I'm not mad about it either. The thing with you was a drunken mistake…I mean look what happened when I got drunk, I am probably pregnant because of it."_

_"Yea, that night with Britt is definitely a night that I would like to forget. It wasn't one of my better moments, I mean you are awesome and all but I can't believe I was going toe to toe with Britt over you."_

_"Well when you're hot like me you get used to people fighting over you…what can I say?" _

She rolled her eyes and leaned in, my best friend never tires from gossip.

I smirked at her nosy nature._  
><em>

_"So what about Frankie?"_

_"Mmmm…the choreographer, I want to kick her ass and I haven't even met her."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because while I can justify that shit with Marco and even the thing with you, I can't justify her sleeping with this other chick. That was just pure lust, you know, she did it because she wanted to. She told me that and you know why she stopped it? She stopped it because the girl got too clingy…which made her miss me."_

* * *

><p><em>"Calm down San, you're getting a bit hype and you just got out of the hospital."<em>

I looked away from her and sat back against the couch.

I didn't want to even think about shit with Frankie.

Quinn took care of that right away.

_"What are you hiding from me, San?"_

_"What the fuck are you talking about, now?"_

_"I just mentioned the hospital and you got a guilty expression on your face. Is there something that maybe I should know or Brittany should know? I mean, I have been pregnant and have never gone through as much as you. I think I visited the hospital once and that was to give birth."_

_"Well, I'm high risk and you weren't. I'm fine now though."_

_"B told me that you asked to speak to your sister alone…did you do something to yourself?"_

_"Q? Can you, please just drop it?"_

_"You would tell me if you were in trouble right?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Before it got bad?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Why don't I believe you?"_

_"Because you don't want to…don't mention this conversation to Britt…please?"_

_"Okay, as long as you stay healthy."_

_"I'm trying."_

_"It's the trying that I'm worrying about."_

* * *

><p>We sat in silence for a while after that until I fell asleep from pure boredom.<p>

When I felt the cool air come drifting in, my body began to shiver.

I burrowed into the couch and covered myself with the blanket.

Even with that, I was still freezing!

I peaked out and could see both Quinn and Britt coming into the apartment loaded down with bags.

They both smiled at me.

_"Are you hiding from us?"_ Quinn chuckled as she kicked the door shut behind her.

I sat up, while still wrapped up in the blankets and shook my head.

_"It's just really cold."_

_"San, its beautiful outside…its springtime…get it together!"_

_"Screw you Quinn!"_

I kept noticing Quinn watching me as she helped put away the groceries and then helped Britt make dinner.

Every couple minutes I would look up from the tv or from whatever book I was reading and there she was staring at me as if she was trying to figure out some puzzle.

One of the dorkiest things about my good friend is that she loves a good puzzle and she always solves them and for that reason her gaze was starting to make me nervous.

* * *

><p>I have never been happier to see Rachel Berry in all of my life.<p>

Quinn looked like she had figured something out and was coming over to me when the door swung open and in walked the midget with a tin can in her hands.

_"Rachel!"_ I squealed in delight, _"Are those what I think they are?"_

_"Yes now with less sugar! Brittany kindly sent me your dietary guidelines and I realized that if I cut down on the sugar just a little that you could eat a whole tin and still be fine!"_ She leaned over and placed the tin on the coffee table and then kissed my cheek._ "How is my little man today?"_

I scowled up at her as she stood between me and the cookies.

_"Fine, now sneak me a cookie before my two bodyguards notice."_

_"Don't do it Rachel! If you give her a cookie I'm cutting you off!"_ Quinn yelled out.

Rachel looked at her in shock and then turned back to me and whispered.

_"I love you, San but I can't go without my loving kisses. I promise that I will sneak you an extra cookie after dinner."_

_"You better, hobbit!"_

_"Ana, don't threaten the guests."_

_"Berry is not a guest she is family!"_

* * *

><p>Rachel started beaming and then when both Quinn and Britt had their backs turned she slipped me a cookie that she had wrapped up in her pocket.<p>

Flattery gets you everywhere.

I quickly tucked it in my mouth and winked at her.

She sat in the recliner and grabbed one of my books as I let the cookie dissolve on my tongue.

I put my head back and just enjoyed it, even with less sugar it was still amazing.

God, I could so become a vegan if I kept Rachel around!

_"What book is this?"_

_"1984. I'm reading it for AP English. I am doing my senior project on alternate realities that could be our future. I'm doing a comparison of older literary references of the future, all the way back to Nostradamus and comparing it to the Hunger Games."_

_"Wow, Santana…that sounds like a masters' thesis."_

_"Well, English is my backup if Law doesn't work out."_

_"You never cease to amaze me."_

_"I don't know how to take that, Berry?"_

_"The Cheerios uniform creates a certain stereotype and-"_

_"I would stop talking if I were you Rach…you are definitely outnumbered at the moment."_ Quinn said as she leaned over the back of the recliner and kissed her forehead.

_"Thank you for the reminder, my love, sometimes I forget myself."_

_"That is disgustingly cute."_ I muttered before mock gagging.

* * *

><p>That night as I lay in bed surrounded by my pregnancy pillow and Britt, I prayed again for a way out of my head.<p>

My mind was holding me back from the emotions that I needed to make this relationship last, I was in an alternate reality of my own.

All my reading was staring to take its toll.

My phone screen lit up and I saw that I had a text message.

It was my sister.

My gut began to tighten up.

**_I got your tests results…screw the Lopez code. We need to talk. NOW!-Damariz_**

**_Not now-Ana_**

**_Right now, before this gets out of hand!-Damariz_**

**_I'm in bed with Britt right next to me. Can we do this tomorrow?-Ana_**

**_Okay, but I want answers.-Damariz_**

Fuck!

I was totally freaking out…there was no way to explain things to my sister.

Whatever those tests said could be like a ticking time bomb that could ruin my relationship, my life or both.

_"Who is texting you at this hour Ana?"_ Britt mumbled in my ear.

I quickly deleted my messages and locked my phone and then pushed it back under my pillow.

_"Go back to sleep Britt, it's just my sister checking in on me, you know she is on L.A. time and forgets that it's later here."_

Britt accepted my response as the gospel and quickly fell back to sleep.

I felt my son playing around in there and I ran a hand over him.

After the third rub I could feel him settle down and was finally able to get some sleep while I still could.

Tomorrow things were going to get bad and I had no way to prepare for it…at least no healthy way.

* * *

><p>The next morning, it was hard for me to wake up and get moving.<p>

Britt had to be at school early because of Cheerios practice so she trusted me to sit in the library and wait for class to start.

I sat there all of five minutes before I got tired and decided to go sit in my car.

Britt didn't want to risk me over doing it by walking to school so she drove us.

And boy was I grateful for it.

I put the key in the ignition and turned on the heated seats, immediately feeling better.

The clock had just hit 7:30 and I knew that Mari worked early so this would probably be a good time to call her.

_"Hello?"_

_"It's me…I can't talk long, I just wanted to call you while I was alone."_

_"What's going on with you, Ana?"_

_"I made a mistake…just one little mistake and its biting me in the ass."_

_"You can't afford to make mistakes…you are overdoing it Ana…you are risking your health and the health of your son."_

_"When you told me to stop whatever it was I was doing I did. I promised I would try and I swear that I am really trying."_

_"Try harder."_

_"I am...I swear to you!"_

_"I'm worried about you, Ana."_

_"Don't be."_

_"Not going to happen."_

_"Can you just...Please...this stays between us right?"_

_"Unless your life is in danger then yes, I will not say anything to Brittany."_

_"Thank you."_

_"Don't make me regret it."_

* * *

><p>I hung up my phone and saw that first period had started already, which meant that Britt would have been looking for me after practice.<p>

Crap!

I turned the car off and climbed out of the drivers' seat.

When I went to shut the door I saw that Britt was standing on the steps of the school waiting for me, arms crossed over her uniform top.

Her face was scrunched up and she looked like she was trying to decide whether to be angry or worried.

I walked over to her and kissed her cheek before linking our pinkies and walking towards the double doors.

She squeezed my pinky in hers and scowled at me as we stepped inside.

_"I was looking for you."_

_"I got cold."_

_"So you sat in the car instead of a warm building?"_

_"The library doesn't have seat warmers. My back was hurting."_

Her angry face broke into a tiny smirk…she had chosen worry over anger.

Thankfully.

I didn't need Britt angry with me right now.

What I needed at the moment was all her trust and all her love, now.

Whether I deserved it or not was a different story.


	43. Chapter 43:Before It's Too Late

**Chapter 43: Before It's Too Late (Goo Goo Dolls)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I didn't need Britt angry with me right now.<strong>_

_**What I needed at the moment was all her trust and all her love, now.**_

_**Whether I deserved it or not was a different story.**_

* * *

><p><em>"It's been a month."<em>

I woke up to Britt lying next to me propped up on her elbow.

Confused, that she was talking before I had opened my eyes, I stared at her.

I was still trying to wake up completely and she was already talking to me...what gives?

_"Huh?"_

_"You are officially off bed rest as of today."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes and I since it is also the first day of Spring Break I have a surprise for you."_

_"Really?"_

I sat up and rubbed my palms together.

I was learning to love surprises when they came from Britt.

And because I had been on my best behavior in the last couple weeks and did everything that I was supposed to be doing, I deserved presents.

I didn't have anymore scares and I didn't cause any more hospital visits, I had only been back to get that stupid cast off and to have my six month check-up.

Other than that, there was no iminant dangers in my life anymore.

I was in the home stretch now, at least that is what my doctor says.

All I know is that I am officially over this pregnancy.

I am even fatter and feel even more disgusting than I did a few months ago.

* * *

><p>Britt held her balled up fist out to me and waited for me to open my palm.<p>

_"Is this my surprise?"_ I asked before taking whatever she had.

_"Yes. I hope that you like it as much as I do."_

_"I'm sure I will."_

She dropped something cold into my hand and I cocked my eyebrow at her.

I opened my hand and saw a gorgeous platinum band.

_"Will you marry me, Santana Lopez?"_

I was in shock as I looked down at the ring, it looked eerily familiar and it was expensive…I could tell from the cut of the single diamond.

_"Of course, yes."_ I said as I leaned in and kissed her.

She sat up excited and took the ring from the palm of my hand and slipped it on me.

It fit perfectly.

_"I'm so glad that you said yes."_

_"Where did you get this ring, B?"_

_"Your mom, I went to her to ask for her blessing to propose to you and she gave me her engagement ring from your dad and told me that it was the only ring that would look good on you. She was right."_

A tear fell from my eye as I looked at the ring again…of course I recognized it, I had worn it before as a child when I was playing in my mother's jewelry box.

Knowing that this was a ring that my father had picked out specifically for my mother made me feel like I had his blessing in a way and it made my heart swell.

_"Thank you so much for this Brittany! I love you so fucking much!"_ I said squeezing her tight to me.

_"So you want to get married?"_

_"I already said yes, Britt."_

_"No, like this week…while we are free."_

_"This week?" _I balked.

_"Yes. We could fly to New York…you are almost at the point when you can't fly anymore and I don't want to wait until after the baby is already here."_

_"Okay, lets do it."_

_"Really?"_

I suddenly remembered something that Susan had said to me just a month before and I knew I couldn't answer that question completely just yet.

_"I think we need to sit down and talk to your parents first."_

_"What?"_

_"I'm serious. You spoke to my mother and I think it is only proper if I speak to your parents. It would make me feel better."_

_"Okay...I'll call them."_

* * *

><p>So that morning when most of our classmates where sleeping in on their spring break,<p>

Britt and I were dressed in our nicest casual clothes and headed across town to meet her parents for brunch at We Lime Bistro.

Britt held my hand tightly, as we walked inside.

My stomach was getting larger at least in my opinion, although other mom's told me I only looked like I was no more than four months pregnant but I was still a little self-conscious about it.

We slid into the booth across from her parents and they beamed at us.

I looked up at them and smiled back.

_"So can I see the ring?"_ Susan asked making me look at her in shock. _"Britt told us she was going to do it, can I see it?"_

I raised my hand and showed it to her and she smiled one of those huge goofy smiles that I loved on her daughter so very much.

_"So, I guess you know why I wanted to have brunch with you then?"_

_"Yes, but Rob wanted a free breakfast and wanted to see you squirm a little bit."_ She chuckled.

_"Really, Daddy, that's not nice!"_ Britt pouted and he shook his head and stuck out his tongue.

_"So Mr. Pierce and Mrs…Susan, I love your daughter very much and I would be honored for her to become a Lopez. I will honor and respect her all the days of my life. Do I have your blessing to marry her?"_

They both nodded and then turned to the approaching waitress and ordered brunch like I hadn't just laid myself all out there.

I was always amazed at the stark difference between the Pierce family and my own.

What would it have been like to have them as my parents?

* * *

><p><em>"See Ana, told you no big deal."<em> Britt chuckled as she leaned into me. _"Did you want to tell them about our plans for the week?"_

_"Umm...yes!"_ I snickered and turned back to her father as he drank his orange juice.

_"Brittany wants to get married this week in New York and I said yes."_

Her father choked on his juice and began coughing violently.

Susan patted his back and told him to not be such a drama queen.

We all burst out in laughter once he could regain his composure.

_"Wow…Santana, I thought that we had topped your grand gesture with our nonchalance but sure showed us! You definitely fit in with us! Have I ever told you how you are my favorite?"_

I smiled at Britt and shoved a piece of pancake into my mouth but she just tickled my side.

_"Don't get too excited I have heard him say that to most of my friends and family."_

_"I am excited…because he finally said it to me!"_

* * *

><p>That afternoon I got Quinn to keep Brittany busy with some fake Cheerios business now that Sue had begged them to come back.<p>

Quinn was so excited to be a Cheerio again that she didn't even complain and she even got Sue in on it, while I went out shopping with Rachel.

I only had a one hour window of time before I had to get back to the apartment.

And I had a checkup with the doctor this afternoon because Britt wanted to get clearance for me to fly.

So as soon as Britt was safely in the school, Rachel picked me up and we drove to a jeweler friend of my family in West Lima.

I walked in and the moment Jorge saw me he came from around the counter and held his arms wide open.

_"Ay mi'ja, it has been way too long! How are you feeling these days?"_

_"Very pregnant and very tired but otherwise happy as can be, Jorge this is my good friend Rachel Berry."_

Rachel extended her hand for him to shake but he lifted it to his lips and kissed it instead.

She blushed as he winked at her.

_"Such a flirt! Come on Jorge…lets get to searching, thank you for all your help today on such short notice."_

_"Nena, don't thank me yet, from what you said on the phone we have very little time to find a ring for this special young lady."_

_"Si, I need something that is snug and won't snag, she is a dancer and can get a little crazy with her moves, and I don't want it to get in the way."_

* * *

><p>The three of us spent about five minutes combing through the rings when Rachel let out a gasp.<p>

We both rushed over to where she stood and there was the ring.

It was exactly what I had imagined and had described to Rachel in the car.

It was elegant and perfectly set but not too flashy.

It had a smooth look to it and definitely looked like something that wouldn't get in her way too much.

The ring was actually the perfect size for her ring finger which was extra lucky for me.

Happily, I paid for the ring and then we headed back home.

When I got there, I snuck three cookies before Britt and Quinn got back.

Today was just turning out to be incredibly amazing.

Rachel and I were just setting up a movie when they walked in both looking worn out in their Cheerio uniforms.

I was shocked.

I didn't think Quinn would actually find something for them to do but apparently Sue didn't pass up the chance to have two of her best Cheerios at her disposal for a few hours.

* * *

><p>Britt staggered into the kitchen and bumped around a little bit and then peaked over the counter.<p>

_"Santana Lopez? Did you take three cookies?"_

I looked at her guiltily and shook my head.

_"No babe...It was Rachel."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"No…damn...it was me."_ I said smiling my cutest smile and rubbed my belly. _"Your son wanted them so badly."_

_"Don't blame him…that's not nice."_

_"Hey…it's true. To make up for it I have a surprise for you…come here a sec."_

Britt came over after tossing her sneakers on the floor next to the couch.

I pulled her in front of me and wrapped my arms around her waist and rested my head on her stomach.

_"How is this hug a surprise?"_

_"Oh that wasn't the surprise, I just wanted a hug."_

I sat back and held my fist out to her and waited for her to open her hand.

She looked at me sideways while smirking and opening her hand.

I dropped the ring in her open palm and said to her sweetly.

_"Marry me back, B Lo?"_

She broke out into a fit of giggles as she nodded her head and handed the ring to me so that I could slip it on her finger, it fit perfectly.

_"I love it, Ana."_

_"Sweet."_

I stood up and pulled her in for a kiss, she leaned over my stomach and kissed me deeply.

Fucking hormones.

I let out a loud groan and she kissed me harder.

* * *

><p><em>"Rachel, I think we should go."<em> Quinn whispered.

_"Yea so do I."_

They were heading to the door before Britt pulled away and then turned towards them.

_"Um…where are you two going?"_

_"To give you your space?"_ Rachel said shrugging her shoulders.

_"Yea, we don't want to be in the way."_ Quinn followed up.

_"I thought we were going to all go to the sonogram to see the baby on the screen."_

Britt pouted and immediately they looked sorry.

I couldn't help but smile.

How many people does she get when she makes that face?

_"Shit…completely forgot about that myself."_ I muttered as I went in search of my food journal that I had been keeping for the doctor.

* * *

><p>I laid on the table again with all that gross stuff on my stomach.<p>

My friends and fiancé surrounded me and all of them swooned when the baby's heartbeat echoed throughout the room.

_"He looks great Santana. Whatever you are doing is definitely working. He is about four pounds and his heart sounds strong and steady."_

I beamed with pride.

Score!

After the appointment, Brittany took the doctor off to the side so that she could get her input on the flight and any extra precautions that she should take with me.

They were talking for almost a full five minutes before Brittany came back to us giving double thumbs up.

_"All systems are a go. She said this is the last week that you should be flying and that I should get you back here as soon as I can."_

* * *

><p>Sunday afternoon, my mother, Britt's parents, Quinn and Rachel all boarded a flight with us to New York.<p>

We were going to be staying with Sandra who was really excited to be hosting the reception after the ceremony.

I was so excited to see her, since this was also the first time I would get to meet my new nephew.

He had the brightest green eyes that I had ever seen and was absolutely the cutest baby in the world.

Of course that was because my son wasn't here yet.

Since we weren't getting married until Tuesday we would be just enjoying hanging out and shopping in the city, it was also a good opportunity to give Quinn a tour of Columbia.

I had been trying to convince her to give up Yale for Columbia but she hadn't been swayed yet.

But I would sway her yet!

On Monday morning Britt and I headed to the courthouse and got our marriage license and scheduled our wedding date, March 27th.

After getting the license we headed back to the house and awaited the arrival of my other sisters that would be flying in tonight.

I hated to drag people away on a weekday but when I told them about what we were about to do, they all volunteered to come.

Because of course, who wants to miss me getting married...for the second time?!

* * *

><p>It was an exhausting few days, capped off by a huge family dinner the night before the big day.<p>

Everyone offered up stories about me or Brittany or me and Brittany…most of them insanely embarrassing.

But neither of us really minded.

I think that my stomach was fondled by everyone at least twice and we were getting all sorts of advice.

By the time midnight rolled around, I was getting really cranky.

So I got Britt to get us out of there.

Britt and I decided to sleep in different rooms on our last single night, so I would be crashing with Quinn while she crashed with Rachel.

Thank goodness that I wasn't alone.

What's that saying about idle hands and the devil?

* * *

><p>I was sitting up in bed reading yet another book when someone knocked on the door.<p>

If law did fail, I was totally reusing this idea.

My head was hurting as I tried to focus on the fact that my gut was tellng me that my night was about to suck.

And of course, the door opened and it was Damariz and she had Quinn hot on her heels.

Great!

When they came in, Quinn quickly shut the door and locked it.

Knowing immediately what as up, I sighed, put my book on the nightstand and took off my glasses.

_"I'm about to get shit aren't I?"_

Quinn looked halfway between pissed and depressed as she nodded.

I knew that I couldn't have them too close together without them connecting the dots.

Damariz sat on one side of me and Quinn on the other side, trapping me on the bed.

I groaned while I sat there looking down at my hands, which had all of a sudden started to shake.

Damariz grabbed one of my hands and began to run her finger up and down the scar that ran up the center, it was all that was left from the broken hand.

Quinn though wasn't about to comfort me.

She just watched me...really closely.

_"Quinn and I talked obviously. We are both still worried about you."_

_"Why? Quinn you were there today, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health." _

Maybe I could play it off?

_"Yes but San…did you really…did you really snort coke while you are pregnant?"_

I looked her in the eyes and I nodded as I sucked my lip into my mouth.

That's it Q, go in for the kill.

* * *

><p><em>"Yes…just half a line that morning, I just needed something to take the edge off. My world was falling apart and I was depressed I didn't think the day was going to end so well. I had been okay and then Britt insisted that we walk around the block and then she told me about sleeping with Marco, Frankie and you…when she left and then her mom called to check on me and I kind of just felt buried underneath it all."<em>

_"There are other ways."_

_"Yea well...I was in a bad place and so I had the other half line. I took a shower and that's when it all started. I thought that since nothing happened that morning, that it would be okay one more time."_

I looked at them and could see the horror, the shame and anger on their faces.

"You nearly killed him." Mari said.

I nodded and closed my eyes.

_"Have you done it any other times?"_ Quinn asked, sounding like she was going to cry.

_"That week..."_ I whispered.

Quinn sucked in a breath and shook her head, in complete shock.

_"That's a heavy burden to carry into your wedding day without telling Brittany, sis, are you going to tell her ever?"_

_"I can't…Mari. Please don't say anything…I haven't done anything since. I swear!"_

_"She's right…she can't do that Damariz…this is not even about that foolish pride she has. Brittany is just so pure and if she knows, it's going to wreck them both. Telling us…is better because now we can at least help her stay clean. San you don't have to tell her." _Quinn said as she clung to my side.

_"Okay…promise me then, no more. Please?"_

I nodded and she wrapped her arms around me.

She squeezed me tight and shook a little in my arms.

It was the first time that I had seen Damariz show real emotion.

When she pulled away, I saw her cheeks stained with tears.

Go me!

* * *

><p>After my sister left the room, Quinn turned off the lights and climbed in the bed with me, wrapping me in her arms.<p>

_"I'm so proud of you right now, San."_

_"When can I be proud of myself? I feel like such a fuck up, Q."_

_"You're not a fuck up. You just have an addiction sweetie."_

_"You say that like I have a pimple or something insignificant. I almost killed my son, Q."_

_"Don't let your mind go there or you will slip back into depression. Just be the Santana that I know is in there, you're just too fucking afraid to show your true self, the one that Britt fell in love with. Be her tomorrow as you stand in front of the love of your life. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

It felt so good to get that burden off my chest and know that I was still loved.

Someday I knew that I would tell Britt but it wasn't going to be now or in the near future…I just needed her to love and trust me and it would be enough to make it through.


	44. Chapter 44:I Swear

**Chapter 44: I Swear (Marc Anthony)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I just needed her to love and trust me and it would be enough to make it through.<strong>_

* * *

><p>Our wedding was scheduled for 3pm but Britt and I decided that we wouldn't see each other the whole day.<p>

When we saw each other for the first time, we wanted it to be when we were exchanging vows.

We were doing everything that we could to make this romantic.

It was our last day as single women.

I was going off to spend the day with Quinn, who was my best woman and Britt would be out with Rachel.

Quinn and I did all the normal things that we would do in Lima except on a grander scale.

Manicures, Pedicures, and lots of shopping.

But before all of that, first we went out for breakfast in TriBeCa at this restaurant that Marco had taken me to once.

Q had promised me that after last night she wouldn't bring up our talk as long as I was happy.

So I was doing everything that I could to project my inner happiness and contentment.

It was getting easier lately to allow my walls down around her.

* * *

><p><em>"Are you ready for this?"<em>

_"Definitely!"_

_"Not scared?"_

_"Nah…its just me and Britt like always. I was ready to marry her the moment that I met her."_

_"Love at first sight?"_

_"Absolutely…I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her."_

_"That's good to hear."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

_"Take care of her San."_

_"There is nothing that I wouldn't do to bring her happiness. I don't want anyone to be able to love her better than I can."_

_"I can say for a fact that I don't think anyone ever could. When you guys are apart it seems wrong, almost like there is no hope for the rest of us. You two just fit together."_

_"Like two pieces of a puzzle?"_ I asked smirking at her.

_"Exactly what I was thinking…are you teasing me?"_

_"Of course not!"_ I said winking at her…I was so glad she was here, I felt the same way about her just in a different way.

There is nothing that I wouldn't do to see Quinn smile and Rachel was slowly falling into that category as well…I know scary right?

* * *

><p>The day flew by and before I knew it I was standing in a room in the courthouse surrounded by my sisters and my mother.<p>

They were all tucking and adjusting my hair, make-up and my dress.

I was still getting various pieces of advice and I was still trying to decide how I was going to express myself to Britt tonight when we exchanged our vows at the reception.

My mom saw my face and then pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek.

_"Just remember that you love her and forget the rest. Okay?"_

Quinn poked her head into the room and winked at me and then cleared her throat.

_"Britt's here. It's time. Come on San."_

I looked to my family and flashed one last smile before going into the room on the side.

We had decided that since Britt had so little family and I had so much family that we would each have one person in there with us…and so we decided on our best friends.

Sandra had put together an elaborate ceremony at her house for that night so that everyone could partake in a ceremony…I thought it was genius.

Nobody would be left out.

* * *

><p>The moment that I stepped into the room and I saw her standing there with a shimmering pale blue dress on and just the lightest touch of makeup, I thought she looked perfect and I felt my heart melt.<p>

She flashed me a brilliant smile and then reached a hand out for me.

There was a hint of fear in her eyes but that quickly vanished when I smiled back at her.

The moment her hand touched mine, I felt every worry, every stress, everything just fall away and I did what my mom said I just let my love for her fill up my soul.

_"Always and only you, Brittany, I swear!"_ I whispered the moment after we said our vows and just before I slipped her wedding band on her finger.

She looked into my eyes and I could see the worry sitting just beyond her tears.

I brushed her cheeks with my thumbs and then I leaned up and I kissed her like never before.

I wanted to take all of her burdens, all of her worries and wash them away with my love, faithfulness, and tenderness.

The whole official piece lasted about five minutes.

I walked in with a girlfriend and out with a wife, just like that!

* * *

><p>We held our hands clasped even as we greeted our families, it was the comfort of each other's touch that we both needed to stay grounded in reality, even though this felt like a dream.<p>

Brittany changed her last name just like she had told me she would and could now really go by that silly dance name if she wanted to.

I kept zoning out and thinking about what was to come and kept being brought back to reality by a light squeeze of my hand or a kiss on the lips.

Before the reception we headed out into Sandra's back garden which was lit up with a dozen red and white lights and took a zillion pictures.

It was a great night, I got to meet Brenda's handsome sons, Celia brought a date…a woman date?

Crazy, right?

Britt and I stood off to the side at one point and just watched as our families mingled and laughed together.

My mother had taken Rob off and was teaching him to salsa.

For a man with such a talented daughter, Brittany's father didn't have a shred of rhythm in his two left feet which made Britt blush in embarrassment.

It was a great day and I saw it as good things to come.

* * *

><p>When we got back to Lima on Thursday morning one of the first things that we did as a married couple was go the doctor's office.<p>

One of my doctors stipulations about me leaving was that I see her as soon as I get back so that she could check on me and the baby.

I didn't realize how nervous Brittany was until we got there and she began to pace the room.

_"My love…calm down, you're making me dizzy."_

Britt looked up at me and gave me a nervous wink that looked more like a twitch than a cute gesture.

_"I'm sorry Ana, it's just that the plane could have made the baby sick and I don't think I could handle anything happening to you two. I would die…Ana!"_

I reached a hand out to her and once I touched her she seemed to calm down a little bit.

I pulled her in close until she was leaning against us and then I rubbed her back.

_"Britt, we are fine. I haven't had any pains or nausea and this little boy has not stopped moving around in there since we left New York so stop worrying so much, okay? I need you to relax."_

Although she promised that she would relax she didn't seem to actually do it until the check up was over and the doctor told me that things were going well.

She didn't give me any extra instructions and sent us on our way.

See...no worries!

* * *

><p>I have never dealt with stress well.<p>

This is no secret thing.

Years of abuse had me conditioned to find any way possible to ease my worries.

I know this about myself and its something that I struggle with every day.

Being a victim is not something that I ever want to be.

I may appear to be calm on the surface but I am always a little panicked on the inside.

Because I just have this propensity to ruin everything that I touch, I try my best to just appear calm.

Fake it, until I feel it.

I like to excel, I like to succeed and surpass anyone's expectations of me.

And to do that...I have to improvise at times.

I think my drive is what makes me such a great student because of my need to not fail.

But it hasn't always been the best thing when it relates to my relationship with Brittany.

* * *

><p>It was the second day in April and the first day back to school after spring break,<p>

Britt and I were returning to McKinley as a married couple and expectant parents.

Our dynamic was essentially still the same but felt completely different.

At least to us it did.

I wanted to make our every moment for the next three months of school to be perfect and so I slowly began to overdo things…in ways that most people wouldn't notice but Britt wasn't most people.

She was watching me most of the time and when she wasn't, she had eyes everywhere.

Well almost everywhere.

Our first meeting of glee, after break, everyone was a buzz with the news of our marriage and the upcoming regional's competition that was on Saturday…and how we didn't have a complete set list.

Frankly, I don't know how we have not learned yet that we should be preparing a set list.

I was annoyed with just about everyone in the room and their stupid ideas for how I should sing my solo.

I had chosen my favorite Amy Winehouse song from her last album **_"Our Day Will Come"_** and everyone was telling me how I should turn it into a duet with one of the guys or maybe I shouldn't be on my feet at all.

I was fed up with all the unsolicited advice, so I refused to practice the song in front of anyone but my wife.

I was thinking of mashing it up with **_"No Greater Love", _**a song that meant more to me than I ever wanted to explain, but I needed to pick the right moments to inter-cut the songs.

On top of all the stress of regional's, my first draft for my senior project was due this week and my intention had been to get it ready during spring break but I just didn't have the time.

* * *

><p>I was on stress overload and I knew that it wasn't a good thing.<p>

And the problem with me being stressed was that it's the time that I'm the most devious.

Generally, I can't even trust myself.

I spent a lot of time leaving the building and sitting in my car during the week just so I could breathe.

There just seemed to be no silence in my world anymore and I couldn't handle it.

On top of that, now that I wasn't on bed rest, Britt had loosened her hold on me so she would leave me to have my solitude.

So when I needed her to smother me she was giving me space and when I didn't need her too, she was everywhere.

I was so grateful for all she was and that was probably because we were still in the newlywed bliss stage.

When I wasn't sitting in my car though I was in the auditorium.

Mr. Shue was trying to perfect my dance moves so they would be seamless and not to stressful on me.

He had picked these baby doll dresses, again this year, that kind of covered up the fact that I was pregnant.

But really, my main concern was more that I didn't fall flat on my ass, than if people knew I was pregnant.

* * *

><p>Throughout the week despite my insane schedule, I kept finding these moments to be alone.<p>

Even when I really didn't want to be.

I kept watching Britt and making sure that she was alright and I kept noticing that she was texting a lot and each time that I called her attention to it, she looked almost frantic to finish whatever she was writing.

I had asked Quinn and Rachel if they had noticed it and they both agreed that Brittany seemed on edge and would go off and have phone conversations or would be texting in the corner.

They had thought that she was talking to me…and I had thought she was talking to them.

I tried not to let any jealous get to me.

But at seven months pregnant, I was hormonal and jealous all the time.

I would just remind myself that I loved her and just push all the other crap to the side.

We had glee club every day that week and even knowing that I was in my third trimester and I wanted to sit most of the time, I danced.

I was stubborn and I stayed on my feet as much as possible even with B shooting me glares.

She didn't stop me though, she was too busy on that fucking phone.

I knew that when we got home she would yell at me as she rubbed my feet but I didn't care as long as there was rubbing and loving involved.

* * *

><p>Friday night after the week had finally ended and I had completed my homework assignments, Britt made me sit down so that she could massage my swollen feet.<p>

I rested my hands on my stomach and just closed my eyes hoping to drift off into a peaceful sleep with this kind of relaxation.

But I should have known better.

Britt still seemed on edge and because of it I couldn't allow myself to drift off because I could feel the tension in her touch.

_"B, what's bothering you?"_

_"I'm just worried about you."_

_"I'm fine. Once I do my solo tomorrow, I swear that I will start sitting more."_

_"You just have to take it easy babe. Don't think that just because your numbers are down you can exhaust yourself. You're seven months pregnant."_

_"I know, I know. I'll be better, I promise. You are so good to me B."_

_"You make it easy to be good to you. Hey, I signed my paperwork for Julliard today."_

_"Really…so its official now?"_

_"Yes, I called mom and dad to tell them."_

_"Were they excited?"_

_"Mom cried and thanked Jesus. I didn't even know she knew who that was. Dad though he just asked if I was sure and if I was happy with my decision. When I told him that I was he told me that he was proud of me."_

_"I'm proud of you too. Lean over here for a sec, I need some sweet wifey kisses!"_ she smiled and rubbed her nose against mine before kissing me long and hard. I felt a swift kick to my side.

_"I think that your son is jealous."_ I said as I slapped my stomach where he kicked me.

_"Hey, don't do that Ana, Izzy doesn't like that."_

_"Well I don't like when climbs my ribs or uses my bladder for a soccer ball but he does it anyway."_

_"He is just a baby."_

_"Ow! The fucker just did it again. Britt you need talk some sense into him!"_

I laid back and lifted my tunic so she could get closer access to my bare skin.

Britt leaned down grabbing a bottle of cocoa butter that sat on the nightstand and began to rub my stomach in every itchy spot.

I sighed in relief and leaned in to kiss her.

She put the bottle back down before kissing me back.

I put my legs out and let her lean in and kiss my stomach.

The moment she started speaking directly against my skin the kicking stopped and I felt him relax.

Britt has such a calming effect on everyone she meets and so I wasn't surprised that the baby had picked up on that.

I sometimes think he likes her more than me...I don't think that can blame him though, I'm pretty smitten with her myself.


	45. Chapter 45:Sorry

**Chapter 45: Sorry (Daughtry)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I sometimes think he likes her more than me...I don't think that can blame him though, I'm pretty smitten with her myself.<strong>_

* * *

><p>Sometime in the middle of the night when the moon was shining brightly through my window and Brittany was tucked snugly against my back, I woke up from the most vivid nightmare.<p>

**_I had been standing on a pier overlooking a vast lake watching Britt and our son fish. The world was completely silent with the exception of my son's laughter. I remember myself smiling in the sunlight as I watched him laugh with his whole body. In a flash Britt turned to me and suddenly I was on the boat shoving my son overboard and then holding Britt back as he drowned before our eyes and she screamed that I was a monster. _**

In all of my research for my senior project, I have studied metaphors extensively and have always had a hard time grasping the full meaning of them until that night.

For me, it was literal, I was killing our son, I was drowning out his laughter and Britt would hate me for it.

She'd think that I was a monster.

But really, I wasn't.

I was an addict.

And it was haunting me.

* * *

><p>I remember climbing from the bed and walking to the kitchen in search of some water because I had woken up with a wet face and a dry throat.<p>

I stood in the kitchen watching the water fill up and overflow from my cup and found that I couldn't bring myself to drink it…

All I kept hearing was my son's laughter and then there was a kick to my side.

_"I'm sorry did I wake you mi'jo or is it you that woke me?"_

My head was starting to hurt and my body was shaking.

How reckless I had been.

I knew that I was talking in circles most likely because I was in such a state of shock after seeing myself so boundlessly out of control.

This all had to be just be a reflection of how I felt most day on the inside.

So out of control.

Exhausted and feeling lost, I planned to give into sleep again.

I crawled back into bed and tried to sleep but my son was restless…it made me wonder if babies dream inside the womb and if so do they share the dreams of their mothers.

At some point in my thought process I had fallen into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

><p>The next morning we were supposed to be leaving bright and early to head over to Carmel for the competition.<p>

So when the alarm went off and I couldn't bring myself to move Britt ended up shaking me awake.

It was in that shaking that I realized that I hadn't really been that I was unable to get up but rather I couldn't move because I was in such tremendous pain.

My back was on fire and I was just trying to ignore it so I kept pushing myself to go back to sleep.

I heard Britt leave the room and forced myself to turn from my side to my back and try to sit up.

When I finally managed to pull myself to a seated position there were even stronger sharp pains in my side and the sheets were quickly becoming soaked.

_"Britt!"_ I screamed out.

She had been so on edge lately that I could have whispered and she would have heard me.

She came running out the bathroom and I looked up at her waiting for some instruction because I was too shocked to move.

_"What's happening…did your water just break?"_ She asked ripping the blanket off of me and inspecting the area where I sat.

_"I think so…it hurts."_

_"Ana, baby I think we have to go to the hospital."_ Britt was quickly becoming frantic and I was just scared.

_"B, you need to call the doctor. Something is wrong, it's too soon."_ I said as I was attempting to stand up but then I was immediately falling to my knees.

It was so reminiscent of the last time that this happened that I couldn't help to break out in tears. _"_

_Fuck!"_ I said as I banged my hands against my knees.

The dream had been more than a damned metaphor it had been a warning.

This is what happens Santana...do you see what you've done?

I should have gotten up then and gotten ready for this moment but I tried ignoring it.

Britt was running around me throwing things in a bag while calling the doctor.

She was frantically speaking into the phone and then looked down at me finally seeing my apparent distress.

_"Ana is there any blood?"_ she asked trying to sound calm.

_"I don't know!_" I was now sobbing uncontrollably, because with every breath came more pain and every bit of strength I had was gone. I was relying completely on Britt to take over. I just knew that I had zero time to fuck around. _"Just hurry, B!"_

* * *

><p>Frustrated with the doctor, she hung up.<p>

Tired of feeling helpless, she took matters into her own hands, no longer waiting for me to say something.

She simply scooped me up and held me close to her chest.

I hung onto her and tried to inhale her scent to calm my nerves but the pain wouldn't allow me to be calm.

_"I'm so sorry Brittany… just forgive me…please?"_

I kept sobbing over and over again.

She just kept looking at me with a worried expression, trying to find out what was wrong with me while driving.

_"Ana, sweetheart, it's going to be okay…you have to calm down. I forgive you okay…this isn't your fault."_

_"It is…I've been so stupid and careless. So reckless!"_

_"Stop it…don't beat yourself up. Come on calm down…if he comes today we will just get to meet him sooner. He is going to want his Mami to be happy and calm…so just breathe baby."_

_"Okay."  
><em>

When we got to the hospital my doctor stood with a stretcher waiting and with a worried look on her face.

She quickly threw on a smile but it was too late, I had already seen her expression, she knew that this was bad.

I began to cry harder as they began wheeling me down the hall with Brittany holding tightly to my hand as we went straight to the labor suite.

_"Britt?"_ she looked down at me and smiled. _"Britt…I have to tell you something."_

_"I forgive you…okay. You don't need to confess your heart out right now. I know you have been overdoing it and I forgive you. Let's just focus on the baby and getting him here safely. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

><p>Britt stood over me dressed in scrubs and a hair cap thing, trying to look at me excitedly but I wasn't excited about this.<p>

It was all wrong.

My son wasn't supposed to be here for another two months and so I was nervous about what this would mean for him.

How sick was he going to be?

When I first got there the doctor tried to calm me with a bunch of best case scenarios but I trust my gut over a doctor's intuition any day.

I hadn't been there more than twenty minutes when the doctor finally looked up at me gravely.

_"Well, it looks like he is in distress. We are going to have to get him out of there, as soon as possible."_ She said.

I looked up at her and began to cry while shaking my head in denial.

_"No, no, no…it's too soon! Please! He can't come out yet!"_

_"Santana, either one of you could die if we wait any longer!"_

The doctor was pleading with me to see reason but I was still adamantly refusing as if I had choice.

Britt brushed a hand over my head and then kissed my cheek.

I could see the tears forming in her eyes and the fear that was now wrinkling up her face.

Fear that I had put there, thank you very much!

* * *

><p><em>"Ana, sweetie, we have to do this."<em> I nodded and reached for her hand.

_"I know. Just...please don't leave me…please?"_

_"I'm not going anywhere."_

_"You promise?"_

_"I promise."  
><em>

I was wheeled into surgery and they applied the regional anesthesia so that I could be awake.

Numb, I laid there behind the blue curtain with Britt standing there shoulder to shoulder with the nurses while holding on tight to my hand.

The tears hadn't stopped.

She watched everything that they did and asked if I wanted to know what they did as they did it but I just shook my head and tried not to sob.

_"Wow…I see his head…San, his hair is black and curly like yours is."_ I smiled a little and squeezed her hand tighter.

I was waiting patiently to hear him and seeing Britt's face scrunched up in concentration had me worried but then I heard it.

It had all happened so fast in the spectrum of things but while I laid there and waited for that first cry it felt like an eternity but it came.

It was weak and small, but it was there.

Britt looked over at him with tears in her eyes.

_"He's so beautiful…small…but beautiful! I can't believe that he's here, Ana."_ she whispered.

She briefly let go of my hand so that she could cut his umbilical cord but then she was right back to comforting me as I wept.

_"They are taking him away now…to check on him."_

_"Go with him B."_ I whispered as she kept looking over to the side.

_"I'm not leaving you. Once you are all closed up then I will go see him okay."_

_"Promise me?"_

_"I promise."_

* * *

><p>I laid in my room after they stapled me up, getting poked and prodded and questioned extensively.<p>

Everyone wanted answers.

I saw more doctors than I could count and it made me nervous still.

I was still in pain and feeling extremely exhausted but I wanted to see him, so I denied all medication that wasn't necessary.

I didn't want to be high on anything when I saw him for the first time.

I owed him that much.

Britt had gone off in search of a doctor because it had been over twenty minutes and we still hadn't heard word of how he was doing.

Finally, she ran into my baby doctor and got her to come see me.

When I saw my doctor's face, I was wishing that she hadn't come so soon.

But thankfully, she had come in alone while Britt stood in hallway calling our friends and family

* * *

><p><em>"Hi Santana, how are you feeling?"<em>

_"Tired."_

_"Mmmhmm. Any pain?"_

_"I guess.__ How is he?"_

_"Sick, we are getting him set up in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, the NICU. He came in weighing five pounds even, so he isn't underweight but he is showing signs of withdrawal, I couldn't find any drugs in his system but I know your history."_

_"I…I—is he going to be okay?"_

_"He should be after some time. However, you need to get help, honey. This could have been so much worse."_

_"I know."_

_"You could have lost him."_

I let out a gasp and nodded.

Guilt was filling my body as I looked at her.

_"Am I going to be in trouble?"_

_"I'm torn Santana. I have known you since you were knee-high to your father and I know what you have been through this past year but I also know that you consciously put not only yourself but your baby in danger. I have an oath to uphold here."_

_"I know…but what if I get help, I mean you have no official record that I did anything...I can fix this? Right?"_

_"If you get help it would be the best thing that you could ever do for yourself and your son."_

_"I don't want him taken away, he belongs with me."_

_"Then I suggest you stop lying to yourself and your family and admit that you have problem."_

I didn't hear the door swing open or Britt's insanely light footsteps but I did hear her gasp out.

_"A problem with what?"_

My doctor looked at me and then back at Brittany.

* * *

><p><em>"Let's make a deal Santana…you admit to your problem and I will forget what I know. This goes against everything I stand for but I believe that you are still capable of fixing this."<em>

I bit my lip and looked between her and Brittany, fighting the tears that were overcoming me and then looked at the doctor and nodded.

_"Okay."_

_"Right now. I'm not moving until you talk to her."_

_"Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on!"_ Brittany was yelling now and it made me jump.

The doctor stared at me for a long moment and then turned to my wife and smiled sadly.

_"Tell her Santana."_

I swallowed and then met my wife's eyes.

_"I caused this B…I decided that getting through this week would be easier with a little help and so all week and then yesterday I went into my car and I snorted a line of coke. It's started small, just a pinky full all week but then yesterday, I got bold and did a whole line."_

_"What?!" _She choked out as she put her hand over her mouth and tears came pouring down.

_"This wasn't even the first time that I have done it while pregnant…the first time was that week between Christmas and New Years…and you remember the time after that, when you found me in the shower?"_

At that point she lost it.

And I lost her.

_"Why would you do this to him? Is this what you were so fucking sorry for earlier?"_

She had tears pouring down her cheeks as she looked right through me.

_"Yes."_

_"Is this what you and Damariz talked about back then?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You talked about it again with her and Quinn last week…didn't you?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You lied this whole time about the drugs..."_

_"Yes."  
><em>

_"What will happen now, doc?"_

Britt looked away from me and right at the doctor.

"_She gets help or the baby gets taken away. We have a rehab facility right in this hospital. It's my opinion that you admit yourself, Santana and sign your guardianship over to your wife."_

_"Sign him over?"_

_"Yes…decisions will need to be made for him and you are in no place to do that."_

_"Okay…I'll do it…once I'm healed up, I will do it. Can I see him?"_

I looked at Brittany but she was avoiding my eyes.

_"Yes…I'll take you in a little while but right now I think you need to just sit here and think about what you did to us…to our family…to our son. I need you to sit here and think about how you are going to fix this."_

* * *

><p>The birth of your child should be one of the happiest days of your life.<p>

A time when you are closest to the ones that you love but for me it was one of the worse days of my life.

One of the loneliest.

I sat alone in my hospital bed in an empty room and couldn't find a single tear to drop.

I felt my heart become empty and cold in my chest.

The way that Britt looked at me was like no other look I had ever seen from her eyes, it was beyond disappointment, it felt like she was beyond ashamed.

There was knock on the door and then I felt her presence again.

She looked like a wreck as she sat at the edge of my bed.

I didn't know what to do or say, so I just sat there and waited.

Britt looked up at me and pulled my pinky from my balled up hand and wrapped it around hers.

_"She isn't going to say anything even if you don't get help."_

_"Why?"_

_"That's not important."_

_"It is to me."_

_"I told her that if you don't get help that I will report you myself. Your lawyer is drawing up the guardianship papers today. I just came to tell you that your sister is here and so are our friends. I don't know what to tell them. They all want to see him but right now he can't have visitors so they want to see you. What are you going to say?"_

_"I don't know. I don't really want to see anyone but the baby right now."_

_"Well you don't have that choice. So when I send Damariz in here…what are you going to say to her?"_

_"Why can't you just stay with me and find out?"_

_"Because, being around you hurts too much right now."_

Her phone started going off from inside her pocket and she looked away from me and picked it up.

She looked back at me on last time and then left the room.

* * *

><p>I sat there staring after her until my sister appeared.<p>

She didn't look too happy either.

_"Hi Mari."_

_"Don't you fucking say hi to me, so casual…what the hell were you thinking? For six days? Really?"_

_"I wasn't thinking."_

_"I am so fucking disappointed in you."_

_"Join the club."_

_"Now is not the time for your fucking sarcasm, Santana."_

_"I don't know how else to be when Brittany won't let me see my own son."_

_"She is only doing what is best for him right now."_

_"Seeing me is what's best for him...seeing his family."  
><em>

_"I saw him."_

_"Is he okay? Does he look alright?"_

_"He has a slight twitch when he breathes in, like he is pain."_

_"Is he…is he in pain?"_

_"I don't doubt it."_

_"What have I done?"_

I cried into my hands thinking about how small he must be and already he was in pain.

* * *

><p>It was my job to shield him from it and I had introduced it to him.<p>

Damariz scrolled through her phone and then held up a picture for me.

It wasn't a very clear picture but I could see him.

Curly hair, caramel skin, and pouty lips just like mine.

He was beautiful.

She took her phone back and tucked it away in her jacket.

I immediately felt empty, the moment she took the phone back, I looked at her in desperation.

I wanted to see the picture just a little bit longer but I knew that my moment to see it was over.

She had already defied Britt wishes and let me see him.

_"In three days you will discharged…what are you going to do?"_

_"Rehab…I can't leave this hospital without getting better. I just can't."_

_"Do you mean that?"_

_"Of course I do."_

_"If you mean that then I will help Brittany with anything she needs for him, including any medical decisions."_

_"Thank you."_

_"You can thank me by meaning what you say and getting help."  
><em>

* * *

><p>That night as I was trying to fall asleep I felt another warm body press up against mine spooning me and holding me close.<p>

When I heard her begin to hum, I started crying again and I could hear the tears that she was holding back.

_"I'm so sorry Santana…no parent should be kept from their baby."_

_"I did this to him, Q. I fucked up."_

_"I know…and you are going to fix it. I just know that you will make this better."_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"Because you have never loved anything more than yourself, not even Britt but now, now you feel a mother's love and I know for a fact that you won't let anything come between you and him."_

_"Isaac. That's his name. Britt and I have been keeping it quiet."_

_"Laughter."_

_"What?"_

_"His name means laughter."_

* * *

><p>I closed my eyes and began to connect the dots from my dream to now…maybe the dream was his way of communicating with me.<p>

I pulled Quinn's arms tighter around me and smiled for the first time all day.

_"Do you think Britt will ever forgive me?"_

_"Will you ever forgive yourself?"_

_"No."_

_"Then how can you ask her to forgive you?"_

_"I can't…I will do everything in my power to make it better."  
><em>

_"How?"_

_"I need you to do me a favor."_

_"Anything."_

_"I need you to take my car to Puck and have him search every nook and cranny and clean out my stash."_

* * *

><p><em>"Your car…that's where you kept it?"<em> I heard Britt's voice suddenly come alive in the darkness and I felt my heart momentarily stop, I couldn't deny her anything at the moment especially not the truth.

_"Yes B."_

_"So you did this in the parking lot at school?"_

_"Yes B."_

_"What else have you kept from me?"_

_"This is it. I promise."_

_"Your promises don't mean much to me right now. I'm going to go clean out your car myself…right now."_

_"Britt?"_

_"What?"_

_"I love you."_

_"Fuck you Santana."_

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: This was an insanely hard chapter to write and I hope that it wasn't too have for some of you. Read and Review**_

_-A  
><em>


	46. Chapter 46:What I've Done

**Chapter 46: What I've Done (Linkin Park)**

* * *

><p>"<em><strong>Fuck you Santana."<strong>_

* * *

><p>It was the morning that I was being discharged and Brittany still hadn't spoken to me since before went to go and clean out my car.<p>

I was sitting there staring at my phone, thinking of my son and how much I was going to miss him.

The night before I had convinced Quinn to finally take me to see Isaac because I knew that when I signed over guardianship that Brittany would probably keep me from him…or at least she would try.

He needed me and I wanted to be there for him.

Quinn was right, I had a mother's love and for me there was nothing that I wouldn't do for my son.

When I was pregnant, it was like the fact that there was another person in my body...it just didn't seem real.

Even with the sonograms and the kicks, it still didn't seem real.

Now though...it was too real.

I was staring at the consequences of my actions and I didn't like what I saw.

* * *

><p>His face was a smaller replica of my own.<p>

There was no denying Isaac and the way that he looked so small.

I had robbed him of a normal birth.

Now him being here was overshadowed by my drug addiction.

And that just wasn't right.

I sat next to his incubator and watched his chest rise and fall,

And I could see the twitch that Damariz was talking about and it made my very soul ache.

_"Do you want to hold him?"_

The nurse looked down at me as she checked his vitals.

She was smiling at me sweetly even though it was obvious that he was sick.

Maybe she didn't realize it was because of drugs.

Or maybe she didn't care?

_"Excuse me?"_

_"You're his mother right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do you want to hold him?"_

I had looked up at Quinn with a questioning gaze and she shrugged and nodded.

_"Go on San, who knows the next time that you will be able to."_

_"Um…okay."_

* * *

><p>The nurse had me unbutton the front of my gown a bit so that she could lay him on my skin.<p>

She said that the NICU babies need that skin to skin contact, something about it helping them to heal faster.

I watched as she adjusted all of his wires and then placed him on my chest.

I sat back in the rocking chair and looked down at him.

His breathing slowed a bit and his hands released themselves from the tight fists that he had balled up.

The smell of him had me entranced.

And his little breathy sighs made my heart swoon.

I took my finger and softly stroked his back and he made a small noise that sounded like a sigh.

He seemed happy.

Even if he was still twitching a little when he breathed.

_"Hi, Isaac…its your Mami…I love you so much, Papa and I'm going to do everything to make this right, I can to prove it to you and your Mama."_

I had Quinn take a picture with my phone so that I could remember this moment.

And so that in moments when Britt got angry and spiteful, I could still have him with me.

I held him for a nice long while before I had to give him back.

Britt had walked to where we were and was glaring at me as I held Isaac but I didn't give a fuck.

He was my son and if she wanted me to get better she had to let me have this moment.

So I kissed his head and told him that I loved him and would see him soon before I handed him back to the nurse.

* * *

><p>So now after finally getting to spend time with my son, I sat in my hospital bed dressed in clothes that Quinn had brought me, staring at the picture of me and Isaac.<p>

Tears burned the back of my eyes but I couldn't let them fall because this was my fault.

I did this.

My wedding band was sparkling as I held the phone closer to my face.

_"I love you, Papa."_ I whispered before kissing the phone.

I was trying memorize everything about him, even though I knew that his features would change faster than I could blink.

_"Are you ready to go San?"_

_"Yea."_

_"What time is your hearing?"_

_"It's at eleven and then I'm supposed to go meet with Figgins and Sue around two."_

_"Have you talked to Britt yet?"_

_"I've tried but she is giving me the cold shoulder still but I can't really say that I blame her."_

_"Yea, she isn't really speaking to me either, since I knew about the drugs and didn't say anything to her about it."_

_"I'm sorry that you got dragged into this, Q."_

_"Yea I know but really, it was my choice not to say anything. We have almost every class together, I saw you leave the school and I didn't stop you."_

_"Has Rachel forgiven you yet?"_

_"No. I have tried to have one of those heart to heart conversations with her but she doesn't want to hear it. Right now she is just trying to be there for Britt."_

_"I'm glad someone is, since I can't be."_

_"Honey, right now you need support too. You need to stay clean and if people alienate you...then this will just get worse."_

_"Yea...I guess you're right."_

_"So did you set a date for your temporary guardianship to end?"_

_"Not really, I couldn't decide on a time period, so I just chose our graduation day. I figured two months should be enough time to get myself back together."_

_"I hope so."_

* * *

><p>I got discharged and then headed back to my apartment with Quinn.<p>

There was so much on my mind but I knew that I needed to try to stay as focused as possible.

We rushed through the apartment with a checklist.

I had to grab some paperwork that my lawyer had sent me and pack an overnight bag.

Britt was at school just for the morning so I knew that I would be able to get in and out without bothering her too much.

I zipped in and out of the apartment without giving much notice to anything but what was on the list.

I just grabbed what I needed including my books and then I climbed back into Quinn's bug, I was planning on staying with her tonight until I figured things out.

Britt and I were in a bad place and I didn't want to make it worse.

Thankfully Quinn was with me because I don't think that I would have been able to do any of this alone.

I was thankful that she was given an excused absence just to help me around to town.

This was one of those times that I needed my best friend more than I needed anyone else in the world.

* * *

><p>When we got to the courthouse, after dropping my bag at her house, Quinn held my hand tightly.<p>

Her touch was keeping me grounded as she held onto me, all the way into the room that the hearing was in.

Sal waited there for me and directed me to a seat between him and Quinn.

I swallowed every bit of pain as I sat down, not wanting any pity.

With all the stuff going on, it was easy for me to lose focus of what I was doing here just let go of what had happened.

I had to make sure that I made this about my son and not the drugs, it was the only way that I was going to make it through this day sober.

Brittany walked in the room followed by her mom and Sue Sylvester.

I looked up at Brittany and waited to catch her eyes but she managed to look everywhere but at me.

_"Focus on Isaac. He is the most important thing."_ Quinn whispered softly against my ear.

I nodded and took a deep breath.

This was going to hurt like hell but I had to focus.

This was about Isaac.

* * *

><p><em>"Okay, this is a simple process. Santana has already had the papers drawn up and has set an end date for this arrangement. So all we need to do now is have Brittany look over it and then we need the signatures of both Santana Lopez, Brittany Lopez and a third party of which Santana left said decision up to Brittany."<em>

I looked down at the paper in front of me and saw where I needed to sign and initial.

I grabbed my favorite ink pen from my purse (it was my favorite because Britt had it engraved for me) and I heard Britt scoff at me.

When I looked up she was staring at the pen but I just smiled softly and looked back down at the paper.

I ignored her rudeness and I signed my portion of the paper and slid it across the table to my wife.

It was the first time she spoke to me.

_"Thank you."_

At least she still had manners.

I nodded and began to sign the second copy of the record before sliding that copy over as well.

Britt then slid the papers over to Quinn since she was Isaac's godmother, even though I'm sure at the moment she would have preferred that it was Rachel.

The judge looked over the final copies of the papers and then signed his name at the bottom and left the room to get them filed away.

I sat there biting my lips and trying to calm my jumpy nerves.

My body was craving blow at the worst possible moment.

Great!

I could feel my hands shaking on top of the table.

So I scooped up my pen and shoved it in my purse, hoping that nobody had seen them shaking.

I clenched my hands into fists and quickly took them from the table top and forced them into my lap.

* * *

><p><em>"Would you guys mind giving me a second alone with my wife please?"<em> Brittany muttered.

I felt my heart start to speed up as I realized that she actually planned to talk to me.

The room cleared out fairly quickly.

I watched as everyone filed out of the room, feeling nervous as Britt suddenly couldn't take her eyes off of me.

Quinn lingered in the doorway and gave me a comforting smile before shutting the door.

I looked up towards Britt and could still see the cold look in her blue eyes as she stared at me.

I opened my mouth to speak but she held up her hand to silence the words that hadn't even crossed my lips.

_"I don't want to hear that you're sorry, those apologies belong only to Isaac. I wanted to talk to you alone to set some guidelines. Okay?"_

_"Okay, whatever you want Britt."_

_"I'm not going to keep you from him as long as you are sober but if you see him and are on something, I swear I will never forgive you and I will seek full custody."  
><em>

_"What?"_

_"Look, I want to forgive what you did but I don't feel like I can until I can understand why you did it. I know that you have a million reasons but honestly none of them really matter because what's done is done. You broke my trust and my heart but I can get through that and work on us because you're my wife Santana and I love you, I love you more than you love yourself on a good day. I just need you to not hide behind your walls. Can you do that?"_

_"Yes. I will do anything that you need me to do."_

_"Right, now I have managed to keep what you did between us, Quinn, Rachel, Sue and Damariz. Everyone else just assumes that you are deep in a depression about having Isaac early and didn't trust yourself to make any decisions for him. They don't know about the drugs...yet."_

_"What are you saying exactly, Britt?"_

_"That I think if we just go to therapy together and you do an outpatient rehab that we can make it through without you going away or tarnishing your reputation before you go to college. I don't think you not being around is good for Isaac. The nurse told me after you left this morning, that all of his vitals improved the moment you touched him and that hasn't happened with anyone...not even me."_

_"Really?" _I smiled to myself but it dropped when I saw the jealousy in her eyes.

_"Yea."_

_"So what, are you saying that I shouldn't admit myself to rehab?"_

_"Yes."_

_"What if I slip up?"_

_"Then you admit yourself that day or tell me so we can work through it together. I want you home with me every night, I want to wake up with you everyday. We can fix this together I know it."_

_"B...what if this is bigger than us...bigger than our love?"_

_"Nothing is bigger than our love silly. Nothing."_

_"So I can come home?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I will do anything to make this right Britt Britt."_

_"I'm going to hold you to that."_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I know that this is literally the shortest chapter in quite a while but I just needed something to transition to the next part of the story. **

**-A**


	47. Chapter 47:Nobody's Perfect

**Chapter 47: Nobody's Perfect (Jessie J)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>"I'm going to hold you to that."<strong>_

* * *

><p>My friendship with Britt was always an easy one, from the moment that we met we had been inseparable.<p>

Then when Quinn got pregnant and we were just with each other all the time our bond grew even greater.

I have always found an extreme comfort being around her, touching her, talking to her, everything was always easy.

So, when Quinn dropped us off at home from the courthouse and we walked up to our apartment and I felt nervous, I panicked a little inside, it was a new thing for me.

There was this chasm between us now that I had created by doing something reckless.

When we were finally inside of the apartment, I dropped my bags on the floor by the couch and sat down.

I felt so alone, so lost and out of place in my own apartment.

Britt knelt in front of me, she already had tears in her eyes as she looked up at me.

_"We need to talk about things."_

_"Okay…like what?" _

Dumb question, Santana.

_"Everything is different now."_

_"I know."_

_"Do you? Do you understand that I find it so hard to trust you, right now? Do you see that I feel so broken inside because I am supposed to be your support, the one that keeps you from falling but instead, instead we are lying to each other and keeping secrets."_

* * *

><p><em>"What do you mean 'we'? I mean yeah I fucked up but what have you done? What lies have you told? I'm the fucking drug addict, not you."<em>

_"I should tell you something."_

_"Like what?"_

_"I've been talking to Frankie."_ She said without even a look of guilt.

_"When? Why?"_ I asked as calmly as I could.

_"Like all the time. We're friends. She just wants to be there for me."_

_"Bullshit."_

_"You don't think I'm a good judge of people?"_

_"You chose to marry me so I'm not so sure."_ I said rolling my eyes.

_"Fuck you Santana."_ she looked angry now, that's an emotion I can deal with, I've seen her angry.

_"I'm just being honest Brittany. I don't trust that girl."_

_"Do you trust me?"_

_"Without question, I trust you with my life."_

_"Then trust that I know what I'm doing."_

_"What **are** you doing, I mean what is the point of this friendship with Frankie, you're not even going on that tour right?"_

_"I'm just keeping my connections just in case I want to tour one day."_

_"Whose idea was that?"_

_"What makes you think I couldn't come up with that idea myself?"_ her face was turning red.

This wasn't a good way to reconcile.

_"Of course you could it's just not how you think...me, yes, I'm in it for personal gain but you Britt...you are pure, you're not in it for anything."_

_"You don't know me like you think you do Ana. Everything that I do, everything that I say has a reason behind it, even this conversation."_

* * *

><p><em>"Enlighten then me B, tell me why we are talking about this, of all things, right now?"<em>

_"I saw her on our wedding day."_

Ahhhh, there is the fucking guilty face.

_"What? Saw her?"_ I said feeling like she punched me in the gut.

_"Yep...I ditched Rachel and went to the hotel. Frankie had called me and I told her I was in town for the day and she asked if I wanted to meet for breakfast."_

_"And you went?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Did you fuck her?"_

_"No."_

_"Promise."_

_"What?"_

_"Promise me that you didn't fuck her, B." _

My voice was getting lower and deeper as I imagined my wife fucking this bimbo.

_"Fine. I promise."_

_"Did you want to?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And yet I still don't understand why you are telling me this."_

_"Because I need you to see that I have faced temptation."_ She said while rubbing her hands on her thighs.

What?

_"Ok, that really isn't…ugh...what does that have to do with anything Brittany?"_

_"I have faced temptation and I didn't give in. That's how you need to be."_

_"Then why didn't you just say that in the first place? Why even bother to tell me about Frankie?"_

_"Because I also wanted you to see that it would be so easy for me to leave you_ _but I'm still here."_

_"How nice of you to stick by me for once…"_ I muttered, thinking of her ditching me for Wheels.

_"Don't get bitchy. I just want to be honest with you so that you will be honest with me. I can't ask you to be truthful if I lie."_

She had a point.

* * *

><p><em>"Fine, so you had breakfast with her, did you talk about anything?"<em> I asked trying to not be angry.

_"The tour...how she needed me on it, she kept going on and on about how more than half of the dancers at Julliard would sell their souls for a chance to tour with Madonna."_

_"She's probably right."_

_"I'm glad that you agree."_

_"What? Why does that matter? You already signed the papers for Julliard, so why does it even matter."_

She shrugged.

_"I don't know."_

_"Just so you know, that was why I was so willing to marry you because I thought that you would be around. I mean we spend hours talking about our lives in New York. You are going to Julliard...right?"_

_"I lied."_

_"Britt...Please tell me you signed the papers for Julliard?"_

_"I signed them I just never sent them...Frankie has been trying to convince me to go on tour, like really hard and she is slowly breaking me down."_

_"So all the sneaky text messages and phone calls they were from her?"_

_"Yes."_

_"And how is this supposed to help me stay sober, how does you telling me that you talk all day to a girl that you want to fuck again, help me not want to get so fucking blazed that I don't feel this fucking knife in my chest?"_

_"Because come September, I may not be here so I'm going to need you to get it together for Isaac. I need you to be able to take care of him and yourself when I walk away."_

_"When you walk away? So you've decided?"_

_"I'm leaning towards the tour…but I still love you."_

_"Prove it."_

* * *

><p>I felt a headache coming on as I looked down into her eyes, I could see the change in them.<p>

Who was this woman who I had married?

I was trying my hardest to see the love in her eyes but they just looked empty and cold.

There was even a little maliciousness in there and it frightened me, this was the third in the unholy trinity.

Britt had a dark side but she had never had it towards me.

Right then, I knew that we would never be the same again.

Something inside my wife had died and I was probably the one that killed it.

I leaned forward and put my hands on her shoulders and moved in to kiss her.

I hadn't kissed her in days and we were supposed to be acting like newlyweds.

I almost died inside when she pulled her head back and pushed me away from her.

Rejection slammed the knife in my chest, even deeper.

She looked at my hurt face and just shook her head.

_"We aren't there yet. I'm not ready for the sweet lady kisses, not from you."_

_"If not me then…who? Frankie?"_

_"Maybe, I just know that I don't really want you to touch me right now. "_

_"What? Why? This is all because of what I did?"_

* * *

><p><em>"Yes! You have to earn that right back...do you know how much it killed me to find all that stuff in your car."<em>

_"How much did you find?"_

_"How much was there?"_

_"Just tell me 3 or 4 bags?"_

_"I found five bags. Is that all of it?"_

_"I think so."_

_"What do you mean you think so?"_

_"It's been in there for months, how am I supposed to remember how much is in there?"_

_"Because you fucking put it in there Santana, that's how!"_

She was on her feet standing above me pointing an accusatory finger in my face.

_"When I was high, I put it there, when I was fucking high, Britt! I forgot about it until a few weeks ago when I decided to clean out the car."_

_"I don't believe you...Santana Lopez you know everything about everything! I know you have a better idea of how much is in there, that's why you asked me the way that you did. So how much is in there, how many bags?"_

_"I told you already 3 or 4."_

_"But I found five, does that mean that there could be more?"_

She had her hands crossed over her chest and looked helpless.

_"Possibly?"_

I shrugged and looked up at her trying to show her that I was being honest.

* * *

><p><em>"I'm trying really hard to be fair to you Santana, everyone wanted to get you to be in rehab but I said no, I said that we could deal with this…but we can't deal with it if you aren't honest with me."<em>

_"And I'm doing everything I can to be honest with you."_

She shook her head and threw her hands up in frustration.

_"You know what...I just need to go clear my head for a while. I'll call you later."_

_"Wait...how long is a little while?"_

_"I'm not sure an hour or two...I'll probably go see my parents or Rachel."_

_"Fine, go! Can I have my car keys back, please?"_

I stood up and held my hand out.

_"No."_

_"Why not? I may want to go see my son and I can't walk there with the stitches."_

_"No."_

_"Are you serious right now, Brittany?!"_

_"You can't have the keys because there are probably still drugs in that car, Santana and I'm not risking it...if you want to see Isaac I'll take you myself."_

_"Fine! Let's go then."_

* * *

><p>It killed me that my own wife didn't trust me to drive ten blocks by myself.<p>

Especially when I was being completely fucking honest when I told her that I didn't know how much was in there…I know there is more but I don't know how much.

I'm already thinking like a lawyer, God help me!

She should trust that I wouldn't go see Isaac high even if I got high while pregnant...twice.

Okay, okay…then again I know for a fact that there are at least ten bags of coke still stashed in the car, so I guess I wouldn't trust me either.

So just like that, she gave up on her alone time to drive me around.

My mind was going crazy as we set out for the hospital in my car that I knew for a fact was swimming in coke.

I kept finding myself mentally searching the areas that were easy access that B would never think to look.

When I picked out this car, my dad allowed me to get whatever custom changes I wanted and so I picked to have a bunch of hiding spots put in.

I have always been obsessed with hiding spots.

These though had a purpose.

Even though I was sober at the time, a part of me knew it wouldn't last forever.

What's wrong with me?

I'm not an addict...I just like a buzz from time to time.

* * *

><p><em>"What are you thinking about?"<em> Britt asked knocking me out of my thoughts.

_"Huh?"_

_"It's the drugs isn't it?"_ She asked again, with impatience in her voice.

_"No."_

_"Andddd we are back to lying."_

She shot me a look as she pulled into a parking spot.

She sat there and looked out the window biting her lips.

_"Ok, ok fine yes I was thinking about drugs...but not like you think."_

_"Right...ok."_

Britt was really becoming a pro with her sarcasm and I can honestly say in some ways she was better at it than me.

I didn't have any words for her after that, I just got out the car and walked to the elevator behind my fuming wife.

As we got on the elevator I fought the urge to glance at my car.

The ride up to the fifth floor was tense as Britt held tightly to my hand.

* * *

><p>The moment that we stepped into the NICU, our first time going together, all the drama was left at the door.<p>

I smiled at Britt and she actually smiled back, a genuine fucking smile.

God I missed how easy those used to appear on her face when she looked at me.

I let out a sigh and regained my focus as we washed our hands and then headed back to see Isaac.

_"I'm glad you're here with me Ana."_ Britt whispered as I waved to the nurse before heading to the rocking chair beside his incubator.

I looked up at Britt and smiled again,

_"Me too, B."_

Feeling more confident, I sat in the rocking chair and nodded towards the nurse so that she could bring me my son.

It felt good being able to just walk in without worrying about anyone judging me…like Britt and be able to hold him.

It had only been half a day since I had last seen him but already he looked different.

I ran my hand lightly over him and just like last time he slept peacefully on my chest.

As I touched his back he kept making the cutest little sighing noises.

I loved him so much.

I took a moment to examine him thoroughly since I hadn't really gotten to before, now.

Isaac had long fingers, toes, and legs that all seemed in working order and his face looked almost like a tiny replica of mine...he was absolutely gorgeous!

The features that weren't mine was his little ears that stuck out a bit.

Britt came and stood next to me running a finger over his cheek, _"Wake up little buddy."_

He sighed again and then he opened his eyes and that was when I saw them for the first time...he had the deepest clearest baby blue eyes that I had ever seen.

_"Wow."_

I had seen those eyes and ears before…I could see him clearly in my mind.

_"I know...it's almost like he could be mine."_ Britt said smiling at me.

I smiled back.

_"I know who his father is now."_ I said almost in a whisper, not wanting to startle Isaac.

_"Yea I figured you would once he opened his eyes but I didn't want to guess just in case I was wrong."_

_"I was so sure that it was Marco."_

_"Thank God it's not!"_

_"Yeah...I totally agree."  
><em>

_"So should we tell Ian?"_ She said almost with a bit of worry tinting her voice.

_"I think we should...besides in order for you to adopt Isaac, Ian would have to sign over his rights to him."_

_"Do you think that he will?"_

_"I don't know...but it doesn't hurt to find out."_

Ian was an unknown for us.

Marco would never sign his rights over and after losing Beth, I was pretty sure that Nono would have trouble signing him over too.

I tried to track Ian down but he avoided me the few times I asked to talk to him so I wasn't even sure where he stood.

_"Here Britt, take Isaac, I don't want to wait any longer I'm going to go call Ian, right now."_

_"Okay."_

The nurse took Isaac from me and changed his diaper and then set him down on Britt's chest.

I buttoned my shirt back up and smiled down at them.

As I was leaving, I looked back at Britt with Isaac, seeing the joy on her face, I was hoping that this would work out and Ian would sign his rights over.

I didn't want anything to get in the way of the adoption or Britt's joy.

* * *

><p>When I got out into the hallway and reached into my purse, I realized I had left my phone in the car.<p>

Shit!

I didn't have the keys.

When I looked next to me and saw the coat check...awesome!

I knew that Britt had left the keys in her jacket so I was able to have them in my hand in no time at all, I knew she wouldn't let me go down alone.

_"Go in get the phone...come right back"_

I kept chanting to myself over and over.

Sometimes when your mind is in overdrive you do things on autopilot and there were things I didn't want to accidentally do.

The moment that I sat in my car in pursuit of my phone I found myself totally looking for it in places that I knew the phone wouldn't be like beneath the control panel in a hidden compartment that I had never shown anyone.

I took a deep breath and hesitated but then I suddenly felt myself moving without even thinking.

When I pushed the hidden release on the control panel the compartment popped open and there they were lined up in a row...small bags, the powder white as snow, pure as can be.

My hand trembled as I reached in and I ran a finger over one of the bags lightly, eerily similar to the way I had touched my son, I felt the chill run through me as I looked at my supply, I could use it little by little and make it last, I mean there were six that could take me through the month, at least.

My stomach felt nauseous, my palms were sweating and my hand was shaking uncontrollably.

I was so entranced by what I had found that I literally jumped when my phone buzzed from the top of the console bringing me screeching back to reality.

Was I really considering this?

What could it hurt?

Could I get away with it?

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thank you for your awesome reviews and adds. I wasn't going to post until Saturday but I thought what the hell...why not? Enjoy!**

**-A  
><strong>


	48. Chapter 48:Careful

**Chapter 48: Careful (Paramore)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Was I really considering this? <strong>_

_**What could it hurt? **_

_**Could I get away with it?**_

* * *

><p><em>"Where are you?"<em>

Fuck!

I was freaking out when I lifted up the phone and saw that it was Britt.

_"I'm in the car."_ I whispered, trying not to reveal how panicked I was.

_"I'm on my way down...why are you in there, I thought you understood how I felt about you being alone in the car?_"

I could hear the anger returning to her voice.

But I could honestly say that I hadn't done anything wrong.

Not yet anyway.

_"M-my phone...I left it, I was going to come right back but I'm on the other line with Ian."_ I lied.

_"You have been gone for an hour and now visiting hours are over, I just got on the elevator. See you in a bit."_

Had I really been searching for my stash that long?

To me it seemed like everything happened in a flash but when I looked at my phone I saw that it had actually been over an hour.

Britt was probably assuming the worst.

I cleared out the compartment and tucked the baggies in my bra...three on each side.

Quickly, I readjusted my shirt and then I quickly closed the compartment.

I took a deep breath to calm my nerves and then sat back and called Z.

* * *

><p><em>"Hey Santana? What's going on? How's the baby?"<em>

_"Hi Z. Everything is good...he's doing better. Listen I have a favor to ask..."_

_"Sure what can I do for you?"_

_"The baby is Ian's."_

_"Oh...shit. Does he know?"_

_"Not yet but I need you to feel him out to see if he is interested in meeting Isaac and maybe signing his rights over."_

Britt climbed in the driver's seat and I flashed a smile.

She looked surprised that I was actually on the phone and not snorting coke off the dashboard.

I looked at the dashboard as the memory of me with my nose to the dash actually popped in my mind.

I threw my head back and closed my eyes focusing on what Azimio was saying.

_"Wow...um…that's a big favor. Listen I'm going to do you an even better favor...he is right next to me…you talk to him yourself okay?"_

Before I could respond I could hear that he was handing the phone over.

I tried to yell out to him.

_"Shit..Z…No-"_

* * *

><p><em>"Hello?"<em>

_"Um...hi Ian...it's Santana."_

_"Hey...um...how are you?"_

_"Good the baby…Isaac is here, he was born on April 7th."_

_"Oh wow! Well congratulations."_

_"Thanks um…hey listen...he's yours."_

I cut the bullshit and just said it straight out before I lost my nerve.

_"What?"_

_"Yea, believe me, I'm just as surprised you are, given that I don't actually remember having sex with you."_

_"Why should I believe you?"_

_"Because I could just pick up and go with no problem but I am actually reaching out to you. Look, just so you know, I'm not out for money or anything, I have more than enough...I just want to talk to you, maybe you can come and see him with me?"_

_"Ok? No strings attached?"_

_"No strings, no obligations...just visit him with me."_

_"Okay...when?"_

_"How about straight after school tomorrow?"_

_"Um...okay...just us?"_

_"If you want, I'm sure Brittany would want to be there."_

_"No audiences...just you and me or I'm not going."_

_"Okay...I will be waiting for you in the parking lot in the black BMW."_

I hung up the phone and returned it to the console, quickly eying the area to make sure that everything looked normal.

When I was sure that everything was where it should be, I sat back in my seat and without lifting my gaze from my lap, I handed the keys to Britt.

* * *

><p><em>"So...yeah...Ian agreed to see Isaac tomorrow after school. He doesn't want an audience though...strange right."<em> I got my seat belt on and when I finally looked up, I realized that we hadn't moved. _"B? What wrong you aren't upset about him wanting to be alone with me are you?"_

Britt had on her serious face and had been looking straight ahead out into the parking lot.

Her mind seemed to be a million miles a minute.

I sighed and put my hand on her arm but she shrugged me off.

Fuck.

We were doing so well!

I watched her closely and could see that she seemed to be trying to figure something out.

_"B?_" I said again, trying to get her to come back to me.

_"Did you find any drugs?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Where are they? Give them to me."_

I leaned over the console into the backseat and flipped up the ashtray.

A bit part of me had expected this so I calmly pulled out the remaining four baggies that I hadn't checked for earlier because I knew that they were there.

I held them tight in my hand for a second and then took a deep breath.

Finally, I sat back up and handed them to her with a smile on my face and hope in my eyes.

Lying with the truth always worked in the past.

_"Here, that's all of it...the car is clean now."_

_"And you didn't snort any?"_

_"No."_

I was glad she phrased her question that way because my answer was the complete truth, I mean sure I had thought about it but knowing that I was just getting her to look at me with a smile again swayed me.

She leaned over and wrapped me in a hug.

I rested my head on her shoulder and inhaled the sweet smell the was uniquely hers and thanked God that I had decided to stay sober for the moment.

I could feel that she was shaking a little bit and then I heard her first sob.

Guilt rained down on me as she soaked my shirt with her tears, I could tell that she was scared...I just didn't know why.

Was it me?

Of course it was!

* * *

><p><em>"I was so afraid that I would get down here and you would be high or you would lie about finding the drugs...thank you for being honest with me."<em>

_"Of course B."_

My voice sounded insanely harsh and raspy even to my ears.

I swallowed down the bile that was clinging to the back of my throat.

She looked into my eyes for a moment and then grinned a little before turning the car on.

As she finally pulled out onto the road, I could see that her small grin had turned into a mega watt smile.

How long would that last?

_"Now that you gave me what was left, I feel like I can trust you to drive with Ian tomorrow by yourself."_

_"Thanks B."_

_"I'm just so proud of you."_

_"Yea me too."_

* * *

><p>I turned my head towards the window and closed my eyes trying to ignore the rolling in the pit of my stomach.<p>

I relaxed a little when I felt her hand caressing my leg.

A caress that I didn't deserve.

I put my hand on hers and rubbed it before pulling it back, I didn't want to push it.

Feeling jittery, I readjusted my seat and then I noticed that we had passed the turn towards home.

Shit!

This was not the time for detours!

_"B? where are we going?"_

_"Quinn called to invite us out to dinner with her and Rachel at Breadstix."_

_"Oh...ok."_

The nausea increased tenfold, just knowing what I was walking in to.

Q was the last person that I needed to be around while I was carrying my stash in my fucking bra.

She always knows when I'm hiding something, she once said that I'm her favorite kind of puzzle because I'm different each time she sees me.

_"Are you feeling alright Ana? You don't seem too excited, this is your favorite place in the whole world!"_

_"It still is, I'm just tired B. Remember, I just left the hospital this morning."_

_"Oh...right." _

She was disappointed and right now I didn't want to risk it.

_"But I'm okay though."_

_"Are you sure? We could just go home, cuddle and make out..."_

I should have taken that option but I'm too fucking stubborn...I get on my own fucking nerves sometimes.

_"It's okay, B. You know how Q is when you cancel on her."_ She starts fucking sniffing around, I thought. _"She hates it more than anything...her dad ditched her a lot as a kid."_

_"Um okay...it's still too soon to cuddle and stuff anyway, I guess."_

* * *

><p>We slid into the booth across from the girls with me sitting on the outside, I felt trapped the other way...I never said it out loud because I didn't need to get Quinn started on some bloodhound mission before we even ate.<p>

Besides, it seemed kind to let B sit first and I was doing anything to win points with her at the moment.

Quinn was smiling and blushing at us both...good...Q was in a good mood, good mood equals less suspicious.

_"So you two made up?"_ Rachel smiled and threw her arm around Q.

_"We are trying. We are definitely making progress, especially Ana and tonight she gave me the rest of her stash."_

Shit!

Quinn raised her eyebrow and looked from Britt to me.

She kicked me under the table and nodded towards the bathroom and I shook my head.

Leave it to Q to know me better than Britt.

Most people would think that was impossible but I knew better.

She wanted to get me alone but I wasn't going to be taking the bait.

Not tonight.

She rolled her eyes and turned back towards Britt.

_"So just like that, she handed it over to you B? No hesitation?"_

I could hear the skepticism in her voice.

She was officially on my trail...now I had to throw my guard up.

_"Well not just like that, you see..."_ Shut up Brittany...shut up, shut up!, _"She was in the car alone for like an hour and when I got in and asked if she found anything she immediately dug it out from someplace that I had missed and handed me all four bags."_

Fuck me!

I could see Quinn fucking calculating my every move.

She wasn't even being discreet about it.

I could see that she really wanted me alone...she wanted to beat the truth out of me if she had to._  
><em>

_"Why was San in the car and you weren't, we agreed that she shouldn't be alone right now, didn't we?"_

And there is the accusing tone.

Everything would be downhill from here...great!

_"She ran down to get her phone to call Ian because she forgot it down there and after a while I noticed how long she had been gone so I rushed down."_

_"Well good job San! I'm proud of you." _Quinn said, while staring me down_._

And there it was the look that said she had her first puzzle piece.

I smiled and looked down at the menu.

_"Um...thanks...Q, Let's just order okay? Enough talk of bad habits...I'm hungry."_

* * *

><p>After the waitress came over and brought us fresh breadstix and we ordered our food the conversation began to pick up and I was actually having a good time.<p>

The conversation hadn't steered back to drugs which was exactly how things needed to stay.

But Quinn was still staring.

She wasn't going to let this go so easily.

I ignored Quinn's stares and tried to pay complete attention to Rachel.

Giving Rachel all my focus, was my thing lately...when I'm uncomfortable, I just let Rachel's star shine bright so that I can hide behind it but Q wasn't giving up.

_"Hey San?"_

I looked up from my warm breadstick and up at Q and could see her searching my eyes.

_"Yea Q?"_

_"Why did you need to call Ian at that moment?"_ she said after a beat. _"What was so important?"_

_"He's Isaac's father."_ Britt blurted out. _"She wants him to see Isaac so she is taking him tomorrow."_

Was nothing private anymore?

Could I not keep anything just between me and Britt...did she have to divulge every fucking detail for Quinn to over analyze?

Fuck my life!

* * *

><p>I was tired of being the center of attention so I decided to try and hide behind star-shine over there.<p>

I cleared my throat and looked her way.

_"So Rachel...how was regionals?"_ I said loudly with a smile.

I didn't want Quinn to be able to say shit to me.

_"Oh it was amazing. We won, of course, since I was the one to stand in for you...that was inevitable."_

_"Ummm...yea...ok...so um how did you like singing Amy Winehouse?"_

_"While I'm sure my performance was flawless as usual, I'm certain the level of rasp needed was something only you or Quinn could attain."_

_"Why Rachel Barbra Berry, I do believe that you just complemented two-thirds of the unholy trinity. I think that you should complement my wife for being there the whole time I was in labor, just for good measure!"_

_"Right! Brittany, you must have been amazing...did you get to cut the umbilical cord?"_

_"Yes...but Izzy is still a Mami's boy. Each time Ana visits he gets insanely better."_

* * *

><p>I was so happy when our food got to the table and the talking had stopped for a while.<p>

Anxiously, I tried to enjoy my food but I kept catching Q watching me and it was making me paranoid.

As badly as I wanted to enjoy the amazing cheesy, pesto goodness, I couldn't with Q and her fucking laser eyes.

I was halfway through my food when the conversation was picking back up as Rachel and Britt were talking about New York and Broadway.

I was bored with them and just tried to smile and laugh at the right moments.

I hadn't really been paying attention when suddenly I felt liquid splash all over me.

_"Shit...San I'm so sorry!"_ Quinn said as she picked up the toppled cup that had been formerly sitting in front of her.

Britt started patting me down with her napkin.

My boobs were her first target.

I turned away and shook my head at her as I stared down Quinn.

_"You did that fucking shit on purpose!"_

My voice was low and angry as I pointed at my supposed best friend.

She quirked her fucking eyebrow and looked me straight in the eyes and didn't deny it.

Britt looked at me strangely and began to wipe the table in front of me before more water dripped down on my pants.

_"Shit...B...stop."_ I snapped and she yanked her hands back.

_"You should clean that up, San."_ Quinn said with a smirk on her face.

I looked down and saw that my shirt was becoming transparent and I was wearing a lace bra.

_"Shit!"_

I finally got up from the table and rushed off to the bathroom.

Britt offered to come with me but I just took her jacket instead.

I knew what Quinn was doing and I wasn't going to fall for it...

I just had to hurry out of the bathroom and get through the rest of this fucking meal.

* * *

><p>I stood in front of the sink and stripped off my button up shirt that I was wearing over a black tank top.<p>

My head was spinning a bit since I had dipped a pinky in one of the baggies while readjusting them.

Just enough to take the edge off.

I took the opportunity to wipe my face and splash water in my eyes before standing up again.

My tank top, thankfully, was only slightly damp, nothing too extreme.

Patting my chest once more to make sure the baggies weren't visible, I slipped on B's jacket.

I jumped when I heard the door swing open, as I was zipping Britt's jacket up.

The blow was hitting my system and instead of flipping out, I took a deep breath and focused on the hazel eyes, staring me down.

Be cool, Lopez.

* * *

><p>"<em>What's with you, Q? What were trying to pull with that shit?" <em>I said as calmly as possible.

_"I know you Santana...I know that you never give in that easy, with anything. I also know that you like to hide shit, so tell me where's the rest of the stash?"_

_"I gave it all to B."_

_"Bullshit."_

_"I'm being serious. You're supposed to be my best friend, why the fuck don't you believe me?"_

_"You're deflecting. Now, I definitely know you have more."_

_"Look Q, I don't need this shit right now. I am tired, its been a long day."_

The door swung open and in came Britt and Rachel.

Great!

I was nervous about seeing Britt, this could go one of two ways...I just had to play my cards right.

There were drugs zipping around in my head and when she looked at me, I immediately felt guilty...but I didn't show it.

_"What's going on in here?"_ she looked between me and Q...arms crossed over our chests with scowls on our faces.

_"My best friend is doubting me and thinks that I lied to you."_

_"About what?"_

_"She thinks that I have more cocaine."_

I was playing the victim card hard with a pout and sad eyes.

Britt looked upset and then scrunched up her face.

She looked over at Q and then back at me and crossed her arms behind her back.

_"Well do you have more?"_

Shit!

Now I had to lie with the truth.

This was becoming way too common for my liking.

* * *

><p><em>"I gave you everything that was still in the car!"<em> I said trying to word things correctly.

Britt didn't catch on but I know that Quinn did.

She glared at me but didn't say a word because Britt was still talking.

_"Show me."_

It was nearly a whisper but B knew that I heard her.

There was a chill there but I just nodded and willed the drugs to keep me calm.

_"Okay. I have nothing to hide."_

Another fucking lie, I was on a roll tonight.

I grabbed my wet shirt and then followed Britt and Quinn out to the car.

Rachel was behind us in a flash.

The stood around the car and I realized that we were out in the open.

I didn't need other people seeing this.

_"Can we not do this here in the parking lot?"_ I asked trying to buy some time.

_"Where then?"_ B asked.

_"A garage? I don't like being in the open like this...you know how people talk."_

_"If you have nothing to hide then you shouldn't have a problem with what people see."_ Quinn spat.

_"Fuck...fine. I just don't want these Lima losers in my business okay. This is an expensive car and I don't want people seeing my hiding spots. Besides in order to show you everything I have to sit on the ground and I don't want to sit on this dirty fucking ground."_

_"Okay...then let's go to your parents house then, Ana. Your mom is still out of town and that's a three car garage."_

_"Okay."_

Me and Britt climbed into my car and Quinn followed us in her bug.

I was angry beyond measure.

I felt like a pig being led to slaughter.

Plus, I needed another hit but there was no chance of that...I was being watched.

Had I really gotten everything?

What if I forgot something?

_"If it makes you feel any better, I believe you."_

No Brittany that doesn't make me feel better!

It makes me feel like the most horrible wife in the world for lying to you,

And being sort of high while doing it!

_"Thanks B that means a lot to me."_

Yea...a lot of pain!

* * *

><p>We pulled straight into the garage and pulled up along side of my father's old BMW.<p>

I looked at it and felt tears spring to my eyes.

Papi.

God, I missed him.

Britt rubbed my leg trying to comfort me, for someone who didn't want me to touch them, she was touching me an awful lot tonight.

I held on to the feeling of her touch as I slowly climbed from the car.

My stomach ached from the staples and I wished that I had just listened to Britt and gone home.

I should not have to deal with this shit right now.

* * *

><p><em>"Okay San here we are, now go ahead, show us every place you keep your shit"<em> Quinn barked out as we stood next to the car.

I sighed and held my hand out for the keys.

B handed them to me and then stepped back watching my every move.

She was even curious.

I decided to start as far away from any possible baggies, so I went to the back of the car and popped open the trunk.

My heart was racing as I leaned into the trunk and set to work.

I could feel them standing over my shoulder, as I pulled out my all weather mat and lifted the battery box to reveal a small compartment.

This had been where I kept my stash hidden from Marco.

I flipped it open and stepped back so that they could peer in.

_"Nothing."_ I muttered before putting everything back together.

The last time I had opened this compartment had been before my overdose...before my father died.

I had been certain about that one and the next place.

* * *

><p>I closed the trunk and then used it as leverage to slowly sit down on the ground since my staples were tugging at my skin.<p>

Feeling like my hit was wearing off I cleared my throat and took a moment to take a breath.

I needed more.

This was bad.

And I knew it.

I gripped the back of my license plate and wiggled it until it popped off.

I heard a couple of gasps from behind me but kept on with my search.

You ain't seen nothing yet, ladies.

I knocked on my emergency key compartment twice, it was the only custom thing that my dad put there for me.

For emergencies.

After three knocks and a push it popped open.

I sat back a little and held it open so they could see that it was just my spare key and nothing else.

_"Nothing"_ I muttered again.

Feeling like I should just stop here, I forced myself to keep going.

Keep proving that there was nothing left in the car.

Even if I knew that was a lie.

I closed the compartment with the same series of knocks and then pushed the plate back on and tightened a screw.

I let out a heavy sigh and reached a hand up to Britt, so she could help me up.

She smiled at me and gripped both my arms and hoisted me up.

* * *

><p>After I was back on my feet, I noticed that Britt was looking down at me in awe.<p>

Quinn though still looked skeptical as all hell.

I rolled my eyes at her and then walked to the side door and climbed into the back seat.

Hesitantly, I reached under the front passenger seat and pulled down the release.

A flap opened down and I reached in, after a good wiggle, I pulled out a miniature mahogany lock-box (a family heirloom) that was firmly secured to the bottom of the seat.

Right now, I was regretting all the custom details that I had Papi put in because they were making me look very sneaky at the moment especially to Quinn.

I sat there for a long moment with trembling hands...this was the one place where I was unsure of...this was where I put things when I had a lot of it left over...but I just couldn't remember the last time that I had put shit inside of it.

Sometimes my mind escapes me and this was one of those moments.

Coming down from the coke probably had something to do with that.

I grabbed my keys and looked for the one that had an S on it.

Taking a moment to look at my wife, I mouthed an apology before singling out the key.

B had asked about this key before and I told her it was the key to my heart.

Dumb move.

* * *

><p>When I found it I could see all over her face that she recognized the key, I could see the hurt in her eyes.<p>

Because now...she would think that I meant my heart was cocaine when really...the person who gave me the box was my heart.

It had been honest but now...I wished I had just not given her an explanation.

Trying to just get through this, I nervously smiled a little before putting the key into a really small hole and opening the box.

_Shit!_

Inside of the box laid the glass mirror that I used sometimes and my old rolled up fifty dollar bill.

There was no baggie but there was coke residue all over the place on the inside.

Enough for at least two lines.

Normally, I would have cleaned that up but I must have been in a rush the last time that I had the box out.

I looked up at Britt and she had tears in her eyes.

It was one thing for her to know what I did but it was another to see the evidence of it.

Resigned to the fact that I was fucked, I tried handing her the lock box but she shook her head and tucked her hands in her pockets.

She wanted nothing to do with it.

I didn't blame her.

* * *

><p><em>"Give it here."<em>

Quinn said holding her hands out.

I handed it to her and just as she was about to lift it above her head and smash it to the ground, I held a hand up.

That was a step too far.

_"Whoa...wait! That lock box is handmade Q...it has been in my family for a century and is probably worth more than your whole fucking bug. It was my abuelo's. Please...don't break it."_

I was pleading with her and could feel the tears in my eyes as I looked at her.

This was my honest truth.

She looked at me hard to see if I was lying but she knew that this was the truth, I didn't have much left over from my Abuelo whom I adored and she knew that this thing meant a lot to me.

I knew she didn't approve of what I was doing with a family heirloom that expensive but she nodded in understanding.

She took the box and put it in the back seat of her car.

_"Then I will clean it out and give it back to B."_

_"Okay just promise me that won't break it."_

_"I keep my word San, unlike some people."_

I ignored that jab at me and climbed further into the back seat and opened the ashtray like I did earlier for B.

This needed to end so I was going to keep moving.

_"Nothing."_ I climbed out of the backseat and shut the door.

I looked up at B but could see that she was almost as nervous as I was.

I ran my hand through my hair a few dozen times and then I climbed into the passenger seat and opened up my last compartment that I was willing to show them.

It was the one that I had cleared out earlier.

_"Nothing"_

* * *

><p>Britt let out a sigh but she didn't look relieved.<p>

But then she smiled at me before turning to Quinn.

_"Are you satisfied now, Q?"_ she asked.

_"I guess so...no more hiding places San?"_

_"No."_ I said almost truthfully.

_"I still feel like you're hiding something." _

Of course like a good best friend she was right but I wasn't going to tell her that she knew me better than I had realized.

I smiled at her and just flagged her off but not B.

Britt whipped around and got almost completely in Quinn's face.

_"I need you to drop this. If my wife says she is telling the truth then you need to believe her."_

I felt a pang of guilt when I saw Quinn shooting me sideways glances.

She was just looking out for me.

And I didn't deserve her but she wasn't going to go against B.

Not right now.

I was tired of it all and just wanted to got to bed.

Plus, now that the blow had almost completely worn off, I was feeling incredibly guilty.

I sat sideways in the passenger seat and watched the whole thing play out for a few seconds but then it hurt to watch and I knew that it need to end.

Quinn didn't deserve to be attacked.

_"Okay B I'm sorry."_ Q said as she shot me one last look.

I could feel my stomach aching and decided that this had to stop now, Quinn had, had enough and so had I.

_"Baby can we go home please? I'm hurting. I'm not supposed to be out like this for so long. The staples..."_

_"Shit, Ana I totally forgot!"_

_"It's okay...goodnight Quinn, goodnight Rachel." _I said as I turned forward and pulled the door shut.

I watched Britt standing at Quinn's car window obviously needing to say one last thing.

_"I hope that you're proud of yourself Quinn...you ruined a perfectly goodnight. Santana is getting better, I just know it!"_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Do you like? I like...I realized that it was too much of a cliffhanger at the end of the last chapter so I posted this one but now I see that this is filled with foreboding. It was extra long just for you! I hope you enjoyed! Hasta manana!**

**-A**


	49. Chapter 49:Drugs or Me

**Chapter 49: Drugs or Me (Jimmy Eat World)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Santana is getting better, I just know it!"<em>**

* * *

><p>When we got home it was almost midnight and with tomorrow being my first day back to school for me, I knew that I would be dead on my feet, if I didn't get to bed soon.<p>

_"Come on, before you relax we have to do this..."_ Britt said as she walked past me.

I followed her into the bathroom and watched as she lifted the toilet seat.

I raised an eyebrow and stared at her as she pulled out the baggies that I had given her from her purse and handed them back to me.

How did I forget about those?

I looked up at her and raised my eyebrows but she just nodded to the toilet.

_"Dump them."_

_"Can't you just do this?"_

I tried handing them back but she shook her head.

_"No, I want to see you get rid of them yourself."_

I ran a trembling hand over my face as I felt a cold sweat coming on.

My hands were shaking almost uncontrollably as I poured the first bag into the water and then my whole body started to follow suit.

When I poured in the second and third, I was sick to my stomach and by the fourth one, I was fighting back the sobs that were trying to break free.

* * *

><p>I looked up at B when I finally completed what she had asked of me and smiled weakly but her face was still grim as she looked at the motions that I had just gone through...<p>

For the first time, she was really starting to see how close I was to becoming a fucking junkie.

She bared her teeth in disgust and looked back at the toilet before looking into my eyes.

_"Flush it!"_ Britt barked at me.

I was so close to getting her to trust me and so I nodded.

But I didn't move.

I wanted to make this count, so I reached past her and put my shaky, sweaty hand on the lever but then I found that couldn't move any further.

Seeing my distress, Britt leaned next to my ear and whispered softly,

_"Do it for Isaac."_

I took a deep breath and pushed the lever all the way down and slowly released it as I watched the cloudy water disappear.

There was a sob that broke from my throat but I quickly bit down on my lips until I started to draw blood.

Be cool, Lopez.

* * *

><p>We stood in our bedroom a few moments later and I couldn't look away from my hands.<p>

They were still shaking and I was willing them to stop shaking so much.

I was really scaring myself.

How addicted was I?

Britt lifted my chin, pushed the hair from my eyes and then smiled lightly.

_"Good job baby! Are you ready for bed?"_ she suddenly sounded exhausted...she looked like she just lifted a ton over her head and then put it back down.

It had been a long day for her too.

Suddenly, I felt guilty for what I was about to do.

But then my hands shook more and I realized that I needed this.

It wasn't just a want anymore...I felt like I was going to die without it.

_"A-actually I-I need to shower. Ok?" _

Why the hell was I stuttering?

Be cool...shit!

Was it about what I just did or was it what I was about to do?

Either way, I needed to get it together and fast.

_"Okay, well, if you don't mind I'm going to get to sleep, I have Cheerios at six."_ she said shrugging.

_"Okay. Goodnight Britt Britt."_

_"Don't be too long, okay?"_

_"I won't."_

She kissed my lips and then began to strip down and change into pajamas.

As I watched her change, I felt a pulse between my legs...it had been way too long and I was craving her.

Not as much as another hit but pretty damn close.

_"Ana, are you creeping on me?" _B chuckled as she looked up and caught me staring.

_"No! You're my wife, I can look at you if I want." _I said denying my creeper stares.

_"Well the show's over, it's late."_

* * *

><p>She turned off the overhead light while I turned on the side lamp and then grabbed some pajamas.<p>

When I was safely in the bathroom, I slowly and quietly locked the door.

Hoping that she hadn't heard it.

I waited to see if B would come but nothing happened.

So far, so good.

I turned on the shower first and then began to undress.

I stood in front of the mirror and slowly took off my bra.

There they were all six bags just waiting for me.

I opened the baggie that I had used earlier and dipped in my pinky.

A little mountain sat there and before I could talk myself out of it, I brought it to my nostril and inhaled.

I pushed through the burn and closed the bag back up and put it next to the others.

My nose ached but I just sniffed a few times and hoped to God that my nose wasn't going to start bleeding.

I had spent the whole ride home planning exactly what I would do with the drugs and while taking another tiny hit wasn't apart of the plan, I was suddenly feeling better.

* * *

><p>Feeling like the worst was over, I slowly opened the cabinet under the sink and put my hand up towards the back wall.<p>

This had been where I was hiding my drugs before moving them to the car.

Once Britt had moved in, I couldn't risk her finding it.

I was reaching for the little shelf that I found when I was seeking out a spider months ago.

At first, I ignored it but then one day, I decided it was the perfect place.

I sighed when I felt the velvet against my fingers.

There on top of the shelf was a ring box...Britt's ring box, actually.

I know, I know...I'm horrible...but it was the perfect size.

Wiping at my nose once again, I sniffed and then placed the box on the countertop.

I pulled opened it and then put five bags inside of it and then quickly put it back.

Too much time had passed since I had come in here and there was no water going, Britt would be suspicious.

How I right I was!

* * *

><p>I was climbing up from the floor when there was a knock on the door and I froze.<p>

_"Ana? Why is the door locked?"_

Britt jiggled the handle of the door and I swallowed back my fear.

Be fucking cool, Lopez.

Thinking quickly, I clutched the last bag and wiped my nose again.

My hair was in a ponytail, so I stuck the last baggie in there.

She was still jiggling the door knob so I quickly shut the cabinet door without making a sound and then unlocked the door.

I stepped back just in time for her to swing the door open.

Britt looked at me with those harsh eyes and I just smiled nervously.

Please don't ask if I'm high...please?

* * *

><p><em>"Sorry, dumb habit...the nurses were always opening the door while I showered." <em>I said with the least amount of nerves that I could muster.

_"Why aren't you in there yet?"_

_"I was looking at my stomach, at the stitches."_ I said gesturing towards the wound.

She looked down and then back up into my eyes.

I hadn't looked at them but I was pretty sure they looked normal.

Usually when they are bloodshot, they itch.

She was still checking me for a high though.

Please don't ask.

I smiled and dared her to ask.

I mean, how could I have gotten anything...she was with me all night.

_"Are you okay, B?"_

_"Yea...just don't lock the door okay...it makes me nervous."_

_"Sorry B."_

She wrapped her hands around my waist and pulled me against her body but far enough that she didn't hit my stomach as she pressed her lips to mine, I felt another jolt right to my core and couldn't help but moan.

_"Mmmmm"_

_"Night Ana."_ she said pulling back.

_"Mmmm night B."_

* * *

><p>I climbed in the shower as Britt closed the door and went back to bed.<p>

As I stood under the water, I remembered what sat in my hair and quickly grabbed the bag.

I weighed the decision, it was late she wouldn't even know.

I could fall into bed and just enjoy my high while drifting off.

Besides, I might as well finish the thing.

My plan was flawless.

Or so I thought.

I stepped back from under the water cracked the bag open and my shaky hands were suddenly steady as I put it to my nose.

I blocked my nostril and then I took a deep breath and immediately felt the rush as the powder went up my nose all at once.

My nose burned again so I rubbed at it until it stopped.

I felt like I was floating and chuckled to myself.

_"Ana?"_

I had sucked up what I could from the bag with a huge breath in, closed the bag in my hand and then stood under the water hopefully rinsing any residue away.

What was going on?

_"Yes baby?"_ I said as I stepped back from under the water.

I was so spaced out but right now, I really needed to focus.

_"The hospital just called."_ she whispered.

My body was vibrating and my heart was racing but I had to be normal...I had just done a lot of coke almost five lines worth, maybe more.

I felt insanely guilty as I rubbed at my itchy eyes.

Fuck!

Why did she have to get back up?

I poked my head out and she was just sitting there on the toilet staring down at her phone.

Her shoulders were shaking.

She was crying.

I started to panic.

_"What did they say? Is Isaac okay?" _

_"Do you think I'm stupid Santana?"_

_"What?"_

_"I just saw you...I came in and peaked in and I saw you."_

_"B...I-I-"_

_"I knew that you were up to something...I knew that you were lying. All those chances you had to tell the truth tonight and you didn't. Not once!"_

* * *

><p>I reached over, turned off the water and pulled back the curtain.<p>

Fuck.

She had been lying about the hospital calling...had she even ever left the bathroom in the first place?

Had she seen that I was high before I got in the shower?

She stood up and looked in my eyes and then held out her hand.

_"Give me the bag."_ she said as she looked at me with an angry stare.

I hesitated because there was still some left in there and I really didn't want her to flush it but then I saw that look in her eyes...that vacant look and I couldn't deny her.

I raised up my arm quickly before I lost my nerve and then I unclenched my fist and let it fall into her hand.

Britt stood there for a second just looking at the crumpled bag and then back at me.

She took the bag and poured what was left of it into the palm of her hand...she looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and a sad smile.

_"Me or this."_ I looked from her eyes to her hand and back again, _"God! Is it that hard for you? Are you that far gone? How did it get this bad? Fuck...Here if you need it so badly, just finish it!"_

This was a test, it had to be.

I shook my head not wanting her to see me like this.

_"No, B. I'm done."_ I whispered.

She stood even closer and put her hand in my face just under my nose.

_"Finish it now or I want a divorce._" she growled.

She sounded desperate and unsure but she was persisting.

Her eyes were digging holes into the side of my face but I couldn't cry.

This wasn't the time for tears.

_"B? Please? Don't make me?"_

I was begging...I was torn.

_"Fucking do it!"_

* * *

><p>I looked up at her for a moment and then put my finger to my nostril again and dipped my head to her hand.<p>

She was watching me as I finished every bit, even going back to get anything that I had missed.

Blitzed, I lifted my head up and looked in her eyes as the rush hit me.

_"Fuck."_ I said throwing my head back and allowing the drugs to do what they did best.

God why did I need this so badly?

I was high rolling...I hadn't taken that much since my overdose.

Maybe my tolerance had gotten higher.

When I looked at my wife, I could see that the tears had dried and she looked determined.

Britt still had that sad smile on her face as she wiped my nose clean and then leaned in and kissed my lips.

_"No more lies." _she said with a deep conviction in her eyes...she meant that with her whole heart...I didn't think I could stick to that but I would try...for B, I would always try._  
><em>

I looked away from her and reached for a towel as I stepped from the shower.

But I froze when I felt her grab my wrist and turned to look up into her eyes instead.

_"Where's the rest?"_ she asked with a sad voice.

She was probably remembering how adamant Quinn was earlier about me lying.

I was so screwed.

She hated to be mean to people and I had sat there and allowed it to happen.

So now she was being mean to me.

Turnabout is fair play.

* * *

><p>I stood there feeling as high as a kite in a tornado and horny as fuck.<p>

She looked at me with fire in her eyes and I thought it was hot.

Of course I would.

This is what coke did to me.

She could now see what Marco and countless others had seen.

I brought new meaning to the words coke whore.

I licked my lips and leaned in, trying to get another one of those sweet lady kisses.

I growled when she shoved me against the wall and leaned into me.

_"I said, where is the rest?"_ I felt her caress my thigh and I leaned my head onto her shoulder.

_"B...mmm" _

She was trying to find out by any means necessary but she had underestimated how fucking horny I could be.

_"You want me?"_ or maybe she knew exactly what she was doing...

_"Yessss!" _I hissed out.

_"Tell me where it is..."_ she said as she grazed her fingers over my hips and up across my breasts squeezing them. I threw my head back and let myself fall into the sensation of her touch. _"Get it for me baby or I'll have to stop."_

* * *

><p>I stood there moaning for a few seconds while she kneaded my breasts.<p>

My body ached when she lifted her hand off of me and began to step back and for every step back she took I stepped forward until her ass was pressed against the sink and I was leaning against her.

Britt looked into my eyes with a mixture of sadness and heat.

_"I'm not asking again"_ she said gripping my wrist a little two tightly for my liking.

I gasped out and dropped to my knees in front of her, she squeezed my hand tighter thinking that I was going to try something and I yelped.

She was at the end of her rope and was resorting to aggressive tactics hoping that I responded and just like I had been conditioned to do, I submitted.

I reached between her legs and opened the cabinet door. I took my free hand and reached as far as I could.

But she was holding super tight.

I came back out from under the sink and looked back up at Britt, she looked annoyed, when I didn't say anything and only looked at her.

Her grip was getting tighter and I felt like my wrist was going to break.

_"Baby, please, you have to let go, I can't reach like this."_ I whined.

Without releasing her bruising hold she knelt beside me and urged me to proceed.

Britt could see the distress that she was causing me even in my high state and so with her other hand she stroked my back softly.

I leaned forward and with little effort finally got a hold on the box.

I took a deep breath and then I ducked from under the cabinet.

As I held the box in my hand, I found myself face to face with B, who was leaning into me.

I leaned in even closer to kiss her but she squeezed my wrist tighter and held her other hand out.

_"Give it to me."_

* * *

><p>I closed my eyes and bowed my head because she was really hurting me and I couldn't go through that again.<p>

So I looked up at her and tried not to wince.

_"Let go first...please?"_ I asked as nicely as I could.

When she released my wrist and I pulled it to my chest, I could see that it was already turning purple.

Britt looked at what she had done and then turned her cold eyes on me.

She didn't really seem to care and instead, just knelt there with her hands on her lap, waiting for me to make a move.

After the first tear drop that fell down my cheek, I quickly shoved the box into her hands not wanting her to see me cry over drugs.

I felt my eyes bouncing all over the room but tried my best to focus. I knew that this was serious.

_"Is this the box from..."_ she looked down at the ring on her finger, _"I can't believe that this is how you...ugh...Ana...why?"_

I just sat there shaking my head not really sure how to answer her question as the tears tried to erupt from my face.

God, please let me focus!

She looked up at me one last time and then quickly opened the box.

She fingered the bags, counting them and then looked back up at me as she snapped the box shut again.

_"Is this all of it? Think carefully before you answer. I can't take another lie."_

_"Yes." _I whispered...I think so...

_"Get up."_ she said as she stood to her feet.

I looked up at her and started to see double, my head began to ache and I could feel the trickle of a nosebleed starting.

_"Fuck."_ I muttered as I pulled myself up to my feet.

I leaned against the sink and began to feel every pain in my body.

My high was turning out bad...a fucking waste...shit.

* * *

><p>Britt wrapped me in a towel and plugged up my nose.<p>

_"Come on, you're shivering."_

I didn't argue, I just nodded my head and let her lead me to the bedroom.

I was staring to crash down and felt like I was floating as I just stood there and let her dress me.

My feet weren't stable so I kept swaying but she was quiet and patient as she got me ready for bed.

I felt like a puppet.

She finished putting my hair up in a bun and then grabbed my face in between her hands.

It took a moment but I was able to stare back into the pools of blue in front of me.

There was so much going on in them and I felt like I was going to drown in them.

_"I hope you enjoyed that Ana...because you're done officially! Got it?"_ I didn't respond I just stared at her. Then she grabbed my wrist again even after she saw what she had done to me and squeezed it, instantaneously getting my attention. _"Got it?"_

_"Yes. Please let go! I'll be better, I'll do better anything for you Brittany."_

I was crying now because the love of my life was seeing me for the sniveling coward I truly was and was realizing that I responded to pain before pleasure.

After so many years of abuse...I had become hard-wired this way.

I had done my best to hide that from her but she figured it out on her own just like Marco.

She pulled back the covers and waited for me to crawl into the bed.

* * *

><p>Once we laid there in the darkness, Britt spooned up behind me, threw her arm around my waist and slowly pulled me against her.<p>

My head felt like it was going to split wide open.

This was torture.

I clutched my wrist to my chest and silently let the tears soak my pillow.

This had been the worst week ever!

I felt her breath creep over my neck and I shivered.

Even crying, my body still responded to her.

She kissed behind my ear and across the expanse of my neck before sighing deeply and resting her head on my shoulder.

_"I'll be taking over for a while until you get back to where you need to be. Got it?"_

_"Yes, B." _I squeaked out.

_"Marco tried to tell me about you but I didn't want to believe him. I see now that control is what you need...so control is what you will get."_

My stomach dropped.

I should have known that he had said more to Britt than she had let on.

* * *

><p>I closed my eyes and tried to fight back the sobs that were aching to break free from my chest.<p>

I took a deep breath and just nodded.

_"Yes B."_

_"Go to sleep now, we will settle things tomorrow."_

I laid there, awake for hours after Britt fell asleep.

My body hurt so fucking bad and my wrist was still throbbing.

What had we become?

I replayed my day and just kept crying as silently as possible.

What was wrong with me?

* * *

><p>Getting up in the morning was going to be really hard for me because the pain in my stomach had increased while I laid there and watched the sky just before the sun.<p>

The skin of my wrist was purple and hurt to the touch, I had almost forgotten what the pain felt like, almost.

It couldn't be earlier than four in the morning when I just couldn't bear it any longer and got up.

I knew that the alarm would go off in an hour but I couldn't wait anymore, I needed an escape.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'm done posting until maybe Saturday...-A**


	50. Chapter 50:The Deep End

**Chapter 50: The Deep End (Crossfade)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I knew that the alarm would go off in an hour but I couldn't wait anymore, I needed an escape.<strong>_

* * *

><p>After crawling out of bed and feeling like I could just fall to pieces at any second, I headed for the bathroom.<p>

My mind was shrouded in a thick cloud of heavy emotions and my body felt like it might actually break in two.

It would be so easy to find a way to make the pain stop.

As I stepped into the bathroom, I noticed that Britt had left the ring box just sitting there on the edge of the sink.

I paused there for a second and then walked closer.

I looked down at the box and swallowed the lump in my throat.

How easy would it be?

My hand hovered above the box while I contemplated ending my agony...but then I hesitated.

There was too much at stake, I just didn't think it was worth the risk, so I dropped my hand to my side.

I wish she had seen me...seen that I had a little bit of self control.

I pushed the box in the back corner by the wall and turned to shut the door but then I froze.

* * *

><p>When I turned around, I was suddenly glad that I had resisted.<p>

Brown eyes met blue as Britt stood there waiting to see what I would do.

I smiled at her, grabbed the box and handed it to her.

_"Good girl."_ B said, the eerily similar statement that I heard as I lay under Marco.

I looked at her and resisted the urge to cringe.

Her look at me should have been making me feel encouraged but really it didn't.

It was like Marco was right there.

I turned towards the long mirror on the wall and pulled down my shorts to better examine my stomach.

That movement alone made me cringe.

_"I-I think it's infected." _I said showing her the purple and blue skin that surrounded my staples.

_"Then I guess you should go back to the hospital. Unfortunately I can't go with you or Sue would kill me. The keys are on the counter."_ she put the box back on the edge of the sink and walked back into the bedroom.

Was she really going to just leave that there?

How long would she torture me with this?

* * *

><p>I didn't take the bait, I just turned back around and took one last look at the scar before pulling my shorts back up.<p>

Despite just getting out of the hospital, this hurt bad enough for me to return.

I stepped out of the bathroom and searched for a loose-fitting jacket.

The pain shot through me and so I had to hold on to the wall to keep from collapsing.

I was feeling too horrible to care about my appearance.

I grabbed a bag and stuffed some clothes into it since I wasn't sure if I would be making it to school or if I would be admitted to the hospital, so I made sure that I had something other than my pajamas to wear to school.

When I had my stuff together and then went to grab my heavy backpack off the floor, I found that I couldn't bend over without excruciating pain.

_"B?"_ She lifted her sleepy head from her pillow and looked towards me.

_"What?"_ She mumbled.

_"Can you help me please? I can't carry these to the car."_ I said pointing to the two bags at my feet.

_"Are you actually asking me for help?"_ she smirked and then sat up.

_"Yes...baby please help me?"_

Britt had been trying to get me to ask for help for years and it rarely happened but I hurt too much to care at this point.

I know it seemed like a big deal to her but honestly I just knew that I needed medical attention and soon.

Britt saw the pain all over my face and began to bite her lip.

She finally stood up and gave a huge stretch and then looked back at me,

_"Screw Sue. I'll make it up after school. Come on, I'll take you. Just let me get dressed quick."_

I nodded with appreciation and then I leaned against the dresser hoping that it would help take some of the pressure off my stomach.

I felt woozy and stumbled forward a little bit.

_"Shit!"_ I muttered as everything went black.

* * *

><p>I opened my eyes and saw the familiar light above my hospital bed.<p>

I groaned in recognition and muttered to myself,

_"Not again..."_, I heard a deep chuckle and when I looked to my left there sat Dr. Jindahl.

_"I'm going to have to start charging you rent!"_ he smiled warmly at me in that fatherly way.

_"What happened?"_

_"You take piss poor care of yourself that's what, I mean what has it been 24 hours since you left? Piss Poor!"_

_"Is that your medical diagnosis doc?"_

_"Yes."_

_"How long have I been here?"_

_"Oh thirty minutes or so."_

_"Am I admitted?"_

_"You would like that wouldn't you?"_

_"Oh yea...the food here is better than a master cleanse at helping me shed the baby weight."_

_"Ha! Well sorry to break it to you but there is no need for you to stay. You have been on an antibiotic drip for the last twenty minutes and I have prescribed you a prescription for more. From what we could tell, you just tore your sutures. We got you all put back together in no time at all. You are all bandaged up and should come back on Saturday to have your staples removed. In the mean time keep the area clean but don't drench it like you did last night. You should also try to stay off your feet whenever possible."_

_"How-how did you k-know that I drenched my stitches?"_

_"Unlike you, your wife let's me know everything...and I mean everything." _he said as he tapped his nose.

_"Uh-I-I can explain."_

_"No need. I know how addiction works and you will just give me excuse after excuse and I do have other patients to see today."_

* * *

><p>I nodded in understanding and smiled up at him.<p>

He looked at me with an expression somewhere between pity and remorse as he unhooked my IV drip.

In that moment as he looked back at me, it was like I was looking into my father's face. I shook the sad thoughts from my head and cleared my throat.

_"So when can I leave?"_

_"Whenever you want. Take care of that wound, study hard and keep your nose clean."_ he winked and then patted my arm before he left.

I sat up slowly expecting to feel pain but felt nothing.

My whole abdomen was numb.

Hopefully, that would last for a while.

I saw my school clothes laid out on a chair and quickly began to change while the pain was still numbed.

The door opened and then I heard her sneakers.

_"I'll be done in a sec B."_ I said as I pulled my socks on.

She smiled down at me and then picked up my backpack from the floor.

_"I'll still make practice."_ I stood up and looked at her as I pulled on my jacket and smiled.

_"That's great!"_

_"Yup, Dr. J told me how you need to be off your feet as much as possible and so I want you to sit in the bleachers and wait for me, so I can walk you to your first class."_

_"Wait...what? Seriously?"_

I had hoped to camp out in the library until my first class since I barely got any sleep the night before.

Britt looked at me and arched an eyebrow...she was becoming my clone.

_"Was I not clear?"_ she asked raising her hand and reaching out for my wrist.

_"No, B, I understand."_ I said pulling back and offering up just my pinky.

_"Good let's go."_ she bypassed my pinky and grabbed my wrist anyway, pulling me forward.

The pain made me nauseous but I didn't fight...that would just make things worse.

* * *

><p>When we parked Britt took the keys and put them in her jacket pocket.<p>

She came over to my side of the car and helped me to stand up.

She handed me my book bag and then brushed through my hair with her fingers, before she pulled me towards her and kissed my lips.

_"Bleachers...the whole time. Promise me?"_ she said after tugging and sucking on my bottom lip.

_"I promise, B."_

I nodded my head and followed her to the field.

The Cheerios were all gathered together giggling like the gossips that they were.

I kissed Britt one more time before she went off to join them.

The moment that I was settled on the bleachers, I searched through my bag for something to entertain myself.

I hoped that this didn't go on forever because sitting on the hard metal wasn't helping my stomach too much.

It had been a while, although the only reason that I noticed is because I finished off the book that I was reading.

I sat with my backpack at my feet reading the last line in _Mockingjay_ when I heard a loud scream and then the flurry of panic.

* * *

><p>My head shot up and there on the ground, with a leg bent at an odd angle was Q.<p>

Poor Quinn was screaming out in agony.

Someone must have missed their mark and dropped her.

Nationals was in three weeks, this was not good!

_"No! Anyone but Q! Damn-it! Fifty laps, all of you and then turn in your uniform Davis, you are a pathetic excuse for a human being! You just cost me Nationals!"_

I stayed firmly on the bleachers as I watched Q get carted off.

Her leg was definitely broken.

I wanted to go and be with her but I knew that I couldn't do that, I had to stay where I was supposed, to be so that I could put some trust back into my relationship.

Something Quinn would definitely prefer that I spend my time doing.

She had Rachel and Lord only knows the kind of pampering the Hobbit would bestow upon my best friend.

Everyone cleared the field but I still stayed there.

Britt had gone in with Quinn but I figured she would be back out to get me at some point.

This was me trying to do things the right way.

I knew that Britt was trying to do what was best for me but when the bell for first period went off, I finally just got up.

She had meant well but I couldn't miss class just because B forgot about me.

I got to class five minutes into a pop quiz and so ,I was forced to sit in the hall until it was over.

I was pissed.

My stomach was no longer numb and my fucking wrist was throbbing.

I just couldn't deal.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Meet me bottom of right wing steps 2 mins...-S<em>**

Breathing a deep sigh, I gathered my stuff and took a few back ways to avoid Britt's classroom and made my way to the rarely used back stairway.

There he stood, cocky smile on his face as he leaned against the back wall smoking a cigarette.

I stood beside him, facing away from view and smiled at him.

_"Hey, candy man."_

_"Hey S. I've got just what you need."_

_"Thanks, I'll wire you the money...you know the spot."_

I smiled tightly and headed in the opposite direction of my hookup.

My stomach was starting to burn now and the throbbing in my wrist continued.

I knew that if I could make it through a school day high while pregnant then today was definitely doable.

Before I made it back into the hallway, I moved off to a dark corner and took a moment to myself.

I dipped my finger into the bag, put it to my nose and quickly inhaled.

It was just enough for a buzz barely a line's worth and was all I needed to dull the pain.

When I went to climb the steps, I found that I had to hold on tight to the railing because I had suddenly become dizzy.

I tried my best to relax and took deep breaths.

When I calmed my heart down a bit, I bent over and tucked the bag in my sock.

I came up slowly not wanting to fall up or down the steps.

I stood at the end of the hallway and felt marginally better but I knew that there was a higher potential for feeling great, I knew that I definitely needed more.

Being sober was now something that I didn't feel like doing anymore.

I made a detour to the first bathroom I found and had just a little bit more and then headed back to my classroom.

* * *

><p>The bell rang by the time that I got to the classroom door so instead of even attempting to enter I just turned around and floated on down to my locker.<p>

When I got to my locker I suddenly decided that I should rearrange it because my backpack was too damn heavy and I didn't need to carry so much weight with my stomach like this.

My skin was tingling and burning so I had to stop my mini cleaning spree and start actively scratching up and down my arms.

Once my skin felt cooler I went back to my task and finally managed to shove the stupid bag in there by the time that the warning bell rang.

_"Shit!"_ I muttered as I grabbed my books for the next two periods.

Two AP courses back to back on the other side of the building in neighboring rooms and I hadn't moved from my locker yet.

I closed my eyes for a second, took another deep breath and then grabbed a tissue to blow my nose which felt like it had started dripping.

When I looked at the tissue, I could see little flecks of red and was happy to see that it wasn't a full-blown nosebleed.

Sighing and wiping once more, I stuffed the tissue in my pocket and then I nearly jumped out of my skin as I closed my locker and ran straight into my wife.

I leaned in and kissed her cheek trying to appear cheerful and sober.

_"Hey B."_ she looked at me skeptically for a second and then wrapped her arms around me while sticking her hands in the back pockets of my jeans.

I knew she was checking me.

I chuckled, search away sugar...you're not finding a damn thing.

There was no way that I could give myself away but I had to let her look.

She ran her hands across my hips and over my front pockets and I just pretended not to notice.

Satisfied with her search Britt hugged me tightly.

_"Sorry about earlier with all the excitement of Quinn and the ambulance I got distracted but it looks like you managed just fine without me so I'll see you at lunch, ok?"_ I nodded and smiled as she kissed my lips.

I kissed her back sweetly as the bell went off again and then pulled away.

* * *

><p>I walked as fast as I could to get to my next class and made it inside just as the door was closing.<p>

I sat in my usual seat in the back of the room and dropped my stuff down onto the table.

I looked to my right and saw Quinn's empty seat and felt bittersweet about her absence.

She would know if I was high immediately, so in order for me to get away scotch free with my plans, she was probably already at home nursing a broken bone.

_"Alright, settle in guys...we are watching a movie as the first part of Frank's presentation. As I stated yesterday you each get two days to present. Next week's presenters are Quinn Fabray and Santana Lopez." _

I made a note in my planner to ask Quinn about that later.

Somehow, I hadn't realized that I had work to do for this class.

The lights went out and the tv snapped on.

**The of mystery of honey**...great!

We were halfway through class and my hands were getting shaky so I leaned down and pulled the bag from my sock.

I poured some powder on the desk top and then put the baggie back while no one was paying attention.

* * *

><p>Everyone was facing forward so I dipped my head, making sure to keep my eyes on the screen, while crossing my arms in front of me.<p>

Then quick and quiet I snorted the whole line.

The tiny flakes burned my nose and I couldn't see straight for a moment.

The bleeding felt like it started again.

I pulled the tissue out of my pocket and wiped my nose before looking back up.

Everyone was still looking forward, not noticing a thing as my high began.

When the bees made it onto the screen, I found myself laughing loudly and obnoxiously.

I couldn't contain myself even after Mr. Salvatore paused the movie and when I still couldn't stop I was finally just asked to leave the room.

I grabbed my books and apologized to Frank before leaving.

Even as I left the room, I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

I stood out in the hallway and managed to calm down after a bit.

My heart was racing in my chest and I felt like I could run a thousand miles, I was honestly tempted to.

I hadn't felt this high, this good since New York.

My body was buzzing.

I wandered the school to burn off some excess energy until the bell rang and then headed back to where I had just come from for my next class.

* * *

><p>I kept trying to walk straight but the whole hallway was suddenly on an angle, so I stayed close to the lockers and occasionally pressed against them to avoid falling over, after a while I just decided to walk slower.<p>

People walked by me and through me as if the extreme slant of the hallway was something normal for them.

A few people had even reached out to steady me but I would just turn and paste myself to the wall.

The bell rang snapping me back to reality and I looked up to see that class had ended before it began.

How awesome!

I grabbed my books and made my way down a crooked hallway full of zombies.

Zombies that I knew weren't even there.

I kept clenching my eyes shut and jumping out of the way when one came too close.

Shit!

This had never happened...what the hell was going on.

I finally made it to my locker in one piece and shoved my books inside.

I felt like I was floating in mid-air and was getting nauseous.

I searched past the gnomes in my locker and found my wallet behind the fat cheerful one.

_"You sneaky fucker!"_ I laughed out and stuck my tongue out at him before slamming the door shut.

The hall had emptied out again, so walking down the angled hallway this time around was much easier.

This drug trip seemed to be never-ending and I was halfway between loving it and hating it.

My stomach grumbled loudly and I was sure the whole room had heard it because several faces were looking at me strangely as I entered the cafeteria.

I got straight into the lunch line and filled up my tray with tater tots.

* * *

><p>After dodging a few more zombies and feeling the room completely spin.<p>

I found Britt at end of a table with the glee dweebs.

When I saw that Olivia sat next to B, I marched over and pushed her out of my way until I was able to sit between them.

When I finally got next to my honey, I began to chow down on my mini mountain of tots.

_"Fucking amazing!"_ I yelled out.

Everyone looked at me and I thought why not I'm in a good mood.

I pushed my tray into the middle of the table for easier access.

_"Have some."_ I said excitedly, but no one budged so I held up my middle finger and then pulled my tray back. _"Fine don't then!"_

_"Ana, honey, can you walk me to the bathroom?"_ Britt asked sweetly.

_"Sure Britt Britt!"_ I shouted and jumped from my seat. _"Don't any of you fucking touch my tots! I'm looking at you Weezy!"_

* * *

><p>I found Britt's pinky and pulled gently on her finger towards the bathroom.<p>

Britt obviously couldn't walk the crooked hall because she kept bumping into me.

_"Take your time, B. I got you."_ I whispered.

She didn't respond, in fact she seemed really mad and I couldn't quite figure out why.

When we got to the bathroom, I propped myself up against the window sill and waited for B to go into the stall but she didn't.

She locked the bathroom door and then came straight at me.

I held my arms wide for my sweet wifey kisses but instead got my chin wrenched forward.

Britt was looking in my eyes and then stepped back.

There were suddenly tears in her eyes.

_"I can't believe you!"_ she whispered.

_"What I do?"_ I felt my lip sticking out and smiled.

_"Where is it?"_

_"Where's what?"_

She looked angry and I couldn't figure out why.

I watched her curiously as she began to search me.

She was growling louder and louder each time she came up with nothing.

She was mumbling to herself.

* * *

><p><em>"Marco said...of course...I should have fucking checked them last night too! Take off your shoes Santana!"<em>

_"Mmmmmkay B."_ I leaned over and nearly collided, face first with the floor.

_"Take off your shoes."_

Britt caught me and held me steady as I sat on the floor.

I looked up at her and smiled as I pulled off my shoes.

Why was she so mad?

I sat with my feet out and saw B looking anxiously at my feet as she lowered herself down to the floor in front of me.

_"Feeling kinky, B?"_ I asked trying to put a smile on her face but it only made her angrier.

_"Shut the fuck up and give me your feet."_ she growled out.

_"I like when you're demanding..."_

I smiled as I plopped my feet in her lap pushing her Cheerios skirt up in the process trying to see what color her panties were today.

_"Shut up!"_ she muttered again...a little softer this time.

I zipped my lips and put the imaginary key in my bra.

Britt peeled off the sock from my right foot and then quickly peeled the sock from my left foot.

The baggie dropped out and I quickly lunged for it but B was faster...she was always faster.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: More to come! Soon and very soon...-A**


	51. Chapter 51:Why?

**Chapter 51: Why? (Avril Lavigne)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>The baggie dropped out and I quickly lunged for it but B was faster...she was always faster.<em>**

* * *

><p><em>"This doesn't look like cocaine...what is this?"<em>

Britt held up the bag and examined it.

_"Candy."_

_"Where did you get this?"_

_"My candyman!"_ I said slightly giggling.

Britt looked concerned as she put my socks back on my feet and then my shoes.

Without warning B pulled me to my feet and then looped an arm through mine.

_"I can't believe you right now, Santana!"_

_"I know, I'm amazing right?"_

_"No...not right now, you're not."_

I leaned into B and closed my eyes as she walked us down the hallway.

_"I love you B."_

_"No you don't."_

_"I do...haha...I do, get it cuz you my wife!"_

I barked out laughing at my own joke.

* * *

><p>I opened my eyes when I noticed that we had stopped.<p>

We stood in front of a familiar door but I couldn't quite figure out where I had seen it before.

Britt knocked and then we waited.

The door flung open and there looking huger than huge stood Sue.

_"Coach, she took this,"_ she handed the baggie to Sue, _"Do you know what it is?"_

Sue grabbed me by the collar of my jacket and pulled me into her office and pushed me into a chair.

_"Hey, why so rough Sue?"_

I watched as Sue and Britt turned to claymation versions of themselves and started dancing around.

They were doing some kind of weird dance.

It started out as a giggle and then turned into me curled up into the fetal position, on the ground laughing so hard that I was crying.

They looked at me and Britt tried calling out to me but I continued to cry into the corner.

The crying quickly turned to sobbing and then I was vomiting rainbows.

Finally it started to hurt and I had to back away just to not be covered in it.

I walked away from the rainbow puddle and staggered against the door.

Everything hurt now and I felt like my eyes were going to explode.

I was so tired from the vomiting that I walked across the room to try and get some comfort from B but then ended up passed out at B's feet.

* * *

><p>When I woke up, my head felt like it was going to split wide open and my mouth felt like it was full of cotton.<p>

I laid on my stomach staring at a wall.

Everything was blurry and my body felt numb.

_"B?"_ I whispered.

_"Oh, thank God! Coach she's awake."_ I heard her call out making me wince from her yelling.

My head was throbbing as I turned my head to look in her direction.

_"B, I can't move."_ I continued to whisper.

_"Sue said that might happen. Temporary paralysis is a side effect. It will wear off soon."_

_"What time is it?"_

_"A little after one...you were only out for a few minutes."_

_"I'm sorry. It's never been this bad." _

She sweetly ran a hand over the side of my face and through my hair.

The beautiful moment was ruined by an insanely loud Sue Sylvester.

_"That, sandbags, is because the idiot who sold this to you gave you bad angel dust not coke."_ Sue said as she walked further into the room and standing above me. _"If you had finished this bag you would have overdosed and died leaving your baby an orphan and my Cheerios reputation marred by a junkie!"_

My arms and legs began to tingle as the feeling returned to them.

I slowly rolled over onto my back and noticed that my vision was clearing.

_"I'm done buying stuff from that guy or anyone else. I feel fucking horrible...I may have just scared myself straight...did I do anything stupid?"_ I asked looking up at B.

_"Besides taking this in the first place?"_

_"Touche, you're right. Shit...of all days for me to do something stupid...I have to meet Ian in an hour."_

_"I talked to him already...I'm coming with you guys. I'll drive."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

><p>When I was finally able to sit up without feeling faint, Britt shoved a bottle of water in my face and gave me some gum to chew on.<p>

Before we left Sue's office, she brushed my hair and kissed me a hundred times sweetly.

I had really scared her.

And I could see how torn she was about comforting me, when I had done this to myself but she was still trying to be a good wife while I fell to pieces.

I felt like I was barely functioning with the pain in my head but I refused to complain about it, why should anyone pity me?

Britt held my hand as we walked down the hallway toward our lockers.

She hadn't spoken much since I woke up and I wasn't quite sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

I stood against my locker and just waited for B to finish.

I looked around and then leaned in close to her.

_"I'm think that I'm finally ready, B."_

_"For what?"_ she asked as she stuffed her books into her backpack.

_"I need you to take over control...I don't trust myself but I trust you."_

She closed her locker and then turned to me looking in my eyes searching for my honesty and then leaned in between my head and the locker.

_"We will talk about this later. For now, get your books from your locker. Ian is supposed to meet us by the car in like two minutes."_

I nodded my head and attempted to open my locker but I couldn't get my brain to function.

Britt nudged me to the side with her hip and put in the combination.

After packing my bag for me and throwing it over her shoulder, B clasped my hand and began pulling my stumbling ass down the hallway.

I could hear her still grumbling to herself as we left the building and she showed no sign of stopping.

* * *

><p>I was happy that Britt came because the ride to the hospital would have been awkward otherwise.<p>

I laid in the backseat while they chatted along the whole way.

Apparently, Ian was going to Julliard for drama.

He was like the male version of Brittany from what I could tell.

That must have been why I had picked him.

As that thought struck me so did memories of the rest of that lost night back in September.

_"Shit!"_ I muttered.

As we got onto the elevator, I took a moment to look at my son's father.

Ian easily stood over six feet with sandy blonde hair and the clearest baby blue eyes that I had ever seen with ears that stuck out.

He seemed sweet and from what I was now remembering I knew that he was honestly putting his best foot forward by agreeing to come.

When he caught me looking at him he smiled shyly and looked away.

I could now understand why he avoided me while I was pregnant or at all...I was such a bitch to him that night.

As we were washing our hands, I leaned into him and he ducked his head.

_"I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me. I was in a bad place...I used you and I'm so sorry. I should have never treated you so poorly. I was so wrong."_ he looked at me and nodded.

_"All is forgiven. Thank you for saying that, you have no idea how much that means to me."_

_"I meant every word."_

* * *

><p>When we got to the back of the NICU, the nurse stood up from the rocking chair and smiled at us.<p>

_"You must be Ian?"_

_"Yes ma'am."_

_"Have a seat...do you want to hold him?"_

_"Will I hurt him?"_

_"No he is almost strong enough to get out of here in fact."_

The nurse got Ian situated in the rocker and then she handed the baby to him.

_"Hold him like a football...you know how to do that right?"_

Ian nodded and then held Isaac close to his chest after unbuttoning his shirt.

When he looked down at his son for the first time and saw his own eyes looking back up at him, he smiled really big.

I could tell that he was just as mesmerized by him as I was.

_"He's a looker! I think I may be in love with him already."_,

If I had heard that before today my heart would have dropped but now with what I remembered about that night, I was glad that he loved Isaac at first sight.

I took a picture of them and sent it to Ian's phone.

He held Isaac close to his heart and kissed his forehead.

Britt stood to the side with a nervous expression on her face.

Then she looked at me almost pleadingly.

_"Ian, would you mind coming over tonight for dinner maybe so we can all talk?"_ I asked.

He looked at me and then at Britt before he nodded.

_"Okay."_, then he looked at Britt, obviously seeing her distress,_ "We can find a way to make this work...I'm not taking him away from you Brittany."_ he looked back at Isaac in amazement.

I pulled B to my side and wrapped my arm around her waist.

She leaned her head on my shoulder and we watched Ian for a while and then he got up so that I could sit with him for a while.

* * *

><p>As Isaac lay on my chest, I could see that he still had a twitch when he breathed.<p>

I could hear the wheeze as he inhaled.

I could see the damage that I had inflicted on him and I began to cry.

_"I'm so sorry hijo...I am going to get better and so are you. I promise"_

We stayed a while longer after I made sure that B got her time with Isaac.

I could see that she was worried about where she fit in his life but in my eyes her place was cemented.

While she sat with Isaac, Ian used the opportunity to finally pull me to the side.

_"Can I talk to you for a second?"_

_"Ian, the reason I invited you over tonight, is so that we can talk about everything with Britt there too, I don't want her to feel left out."_

_"I know that, it's just that I needed to set up a time when I can just talk to you, that's why I didn't want an audience. I only agreed to her coming because she told me that you still needed help getting around with the stitches and all."_

I nodded my head in agreement, happy she hadn't said anything about the drugs.

_"Why can't you talk to me in front of my wife?"_

_"Does she know about that night?"_

_"No, I didn't even remember until just today."_

_"I'm embarrassed about it okay..."_

_"B won't judge you...you saw how it was in the car, you guys are like one person."_

_"Is that why you chose me?"_

_"I guess I have a type, tall...blond hair...blue eyes. Who knew?"_ I asked rhetorically.

Ian smiled and then winked.

_"Your subconscious, apparently."_

_"I really am sorry about what happened."_

_"Don't stress about it...it was a crazy night."_

_"Yea."_

_"I get that she won't judge me...I just...I can't explain...it's just..."_

_"Look, how about when we get to the house, we can all square things away and then...then you and I will talk alone. How does that sound?"_

_"Okay. Thank you, Santana."_

_"Come on, we should go back in."_

* * *

><p>When we got to the apartment each carrying our own take out, Britt immediately went into the bedroom to change.<p>

She seemed annoyed that Ian and I had walked off to talk a little at the hospital but she was trying her best not to show it.

My head was throbbing and my stomach was burning.

This had been a crazy day that I would gladly like to put behind me.

Except for the part where I watched Ian hold Isaac...that was something that I never wanted to forget.

Ian sat down on the couch and I offered him a drink but he just stared at me, up and down.

_"Well?"_

_"No thanks."_

When he declined, I went ahead into the kitchen, happy when I found some aspirin.

Hoping to feel better soon, I grabbed a bottle of water and dropped two pills into my palm.

Britt came out just when I was about to throw the pills back.

And cleared her throat.

I looked over at her and she had a scowl on her face.

_"No."_ she whispered.

_"But, B?"_

_"No. Give them to me."_

I looked at her pleadingly but she held her hand out and I crumbled.

_"Fine."_

I rolled my eyes and put them in her hand.

I just wanted the pain to stop but apparently any kind of drug was off limits.

Fuck.

* * *

><p>We all sat down in the dining room and ate in silence for a while, no one knowing how to start the dialogue.<p>

Britt had a firm hand on my leg the entire time and I noticed that Ian looked nervous.

_"Can I ask you something Santana?"_ he finally ground out.

_"Go ahead."_

_"If I allow Britt to adopt Isaac does that mean that I can't see him, like, ever?"_

I turned to Britt and nodded towards her, I wasn't going to let her be left out of the conversation by any means.

_"A big part of the reason that we wanted you to meet Izzy is because we wanted you to make that decision after meeting him. You can be around as much or little as you want. As long as it's like in a godfather or uncle capacity. I want to be a full-time mom to him."_ Britt said with a nervous look on her face.

I nodded in agreement and looked back at Ian.

_"I agree."_ I said, backing up my wife.

_"Well...I want to be around, take him to do guy things you know. I am not ready to raise a kid at all but he **is** my son too. I know you two will be amazing moms but I just want him to know me at least...I also know that I want to get married some day and don't want to have two families. So being his Godfather would make me insanely happy!"_ he smiled and rubbed his palms together.

_"Are you sure Ian? I don't want you to come back and sue for custody later. I am open to making this relationship with you a frequent one if you're committed to it. Ball games, car stuff, whatever you want but I want you to honor Britt as his mom just as much as me, especially if something were to happen to me."_

_"Okay. I can do that. I will sign over my rights as long as I get to be around him."_

_"Okay. I'll have my lawyer draw up the paperwork then."_

_"Okay. So I'm his godfather?"_

_"Yep."_

_"I'm excited. Thank you for letting me meet him, you are going to be great parents!"_

_"And that's my cue to go. I know you want to talk to Santana alone so I'm going to go do some homework. See you later Ian."_

Britt stood up and held her arms open.

Ian picked her up and spun her around and as always she came down gracefully.

* * *

><p>Once B had gone to the room and shut the door, I watched Ian visibly relax.<p>

_"So what's up Ian?"_

_"So the STD...I'm sorry about that."_

_"So we're just jumping right into it, are we?"_

_"I need to get this stuff off of my chest."_

_"Okay."_

_"I know that I told you that I was a virgin and I-I meant it, I'm sorry."_

_"Look, I should be the one apologizing...I was drunk and I literally dragged you up those stairs and took advantage of you. I ridiculed you and called you gay and then when you told me how you got raped by your uncle a few weeks before...I laughed at you. I'm sorry...I have been abused and violated and it's not something anyone should go through."_

_"You were the first person that I told...it was hard to push through that but with therapy, I have come a long way."_

_"It's good that you're going to therapy...I think that's where I need to be."_

_"Maybe it would help with your other issues too."_

_"Yea."_

_"Just know that, I'm here for you."_

_"Yea? You mean that?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Did you mean what you said that night about me?"_

_"Yea...since like second grade but you didn't know I existed...I even joined the football team when I saw that you were a cheerleader, convinced myself it was me that you were cheering for."_

_"That's a bit creepy...you don't have a shrine of me somewhere do you?"_

_"God no! It was just a crush and so when you finally noticed me at the party, you could have kicked my ass all night and I would have come back for more."_

_"Wow...wanky and how about now?"_

_"Now I have accepted that you love Brittany and I am content with the fact that at least, you know who I am now. If I had to pick any mother for my son it would have always been you."_

_"That's because you don't know me very well, I'm a really screwed up person right now, definitely not parent material."_

_"Why is that, because of the drugs?"_

_"Wait! You know about that?"_

_"It's all over school, after Finn shouted it at the SATs and then today when you were stumbling in the halls and the cafeteria it wasn't hard to guess that you were tripping off something."_

_"Fuck! Look, I'm trying to stop. Right now, I can't really trust myself...today opened my eyes though."_

_"Good. Can I ask you something?"_

_"Anything."_

_"While you pregnant did you...?"_

_"Yes. A few times. That's why he's here early. I'm so ashamed of myself. He is largely unharmed, so far, aside from the twitching."_

_"When he breathes...yea...I noticed that. Is he going to be okay?"_

_"He has asthma...but they seem to think he is getting better. The twitch is very slight now compared to how it was a week ago."_

_"And you're trying to stop?"_

_"Yes...before he comes home."_

_"When does that happen?"_

_"They are planning to keep him until at least his due date."_

_"Which is?"_

_"June 21st, which honestly gives me almost two full months to kick this habit."_

_"But you are working on stopping now, right?"_

_"Yes. I have decided that as soon as graduation is over, I'm going to rehab before moving to New York."_

_"Good. I really care about you and I want you to get back to your bitchy self. Please stop okay?"_

_"I'm trying"_

_"Well try harder."_

_"Gee thanks."_

_"I want my son to have both his mothers okay?"_

_"Okay...I get it...I'm going to work at it."_

_"So in New York will you be getting a place?"_

_"Yes...somewhere close to Columbia, hopefully. I am going to be in an intense program and I'm going to need to focus."_

_"What will happen with Isaac when you have school?"_

_"My sister Sandra is married to Johnny Diaz of the New York-"_

_"Giants! You're kidding me? I worship that guy!"_

_"Well don't ever tell him that when you meet him. Anyway, my sister is a stay at home mom and has offered to take care of Isaac when I'm at school."_

_"Great!"_

_"Yeah, I was going to move in with her but I think that I'm going to need to actually be in the city for school not in Westchester."_

_"That's great because Julliard isn't far from Columbia, so when I have time, I want to help out with him."_

_"That's great!"_

_"Thanks!"_

* * *

><p>By the time that we finished having our talk, Ian was yawning and I was feeling like I could pass out.<p>

So, I grabbed the car keys and drove Ian back home.

It felt good to be out on the open road without supervision especially after that stupid stunt that I had pulled earlier.

I didn't want to lose my privileges so I drove there and then straight back.

I got back home and cleaned up a little.

I grabbed another bottle of water and downed it in just a few sips since my head was still pounding...why was she afraid of me taking only aspirin?

It wasn't like I was going to kill myself...I would miss me too much.

* * *

><p>Exhausted, I opened the bedroom door and Britt was laying across the bed, breathing heavy.<p>

I froze in the doorway and when she saw me she quickly hung up the phone.

My eyes had zeroed in on the moving covers, I had noticed her hand was moving under the blanket and she was flushed.

_"What were you doing B?"_

_"Um..."_

_"Please tell me that I didn't just walk in on you having phone sex!"_ I yelled.

Britt blushed and then put her phone on the nightstand.

_"That was a quick drive to Ian's."_

_"Of course, it's not like we were going to be off making another baby."_

_"So you do want to sleep with him again?"_

_"What?"_

Was she high?

_"You look at him differently than any other guy...you look at him like you look at me." _

She had noticed that? Fuck!

_"Alright, I admit I am a little attracted to him okay..."_

I closed the door and leaned against it, wanting to just climb in bed and sleep but I knew that this conversation had just taken a strange turn.

Britt sat against the headboard and had that cold look in her eyes, again.

_"Sexually attracted?"_

_"No. As a person, like he and I were meant to be close, like me and Noah or me and Quinn."_

_"Both of which you have fucked by the way."_

_"Okay...bad example...I'm done with all that anyway. I am committed to you...can you say the same? Are you committed to me?"_

* * *

><p>I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge, resting my hand against her leg.<p>

She held both hands in her lap and wouldn't look up into my eyes.

I noticed that she had on just her bra and panties...I knew that I had caught her.

She had been having phone sex.

In our bed.

Door unlocked...like she wanted to be caught.

I reached over to her lap and grabbed her right hand, lifting it to my nose easily smelling her rich scent coating her still partially damp fingers.

I kissed her hand and then held it in my lap between my hands.

_"What were you doing when I walked in B?"_

_"Um..."_

_"You know phone sex is still cheating B."_

_"It is?"_

_"Was it Frankie?"_

_"Yea."_

_"You're thinking about going on that tour aren't you?"_

I sat there softly caressing her hand as I waited for a response.

My heart was pounding and I felt sick but I sat still, feeling like I deserved to feel this pain.

I was trying my best to be patient and give her a chance to be honest, even though I hadn't been one hundred percent honest with her.

_"I don't know yet."_

_"You want to fuck her again, though?"_

I kept looking down at her hand not being able to turn towards her and look in her eyes.

I wanted to hear the words come from her lips.

_"Yes."_

_"Don't you still want me?"_

_"So badly...but with her it-it's just different."_

_"How?"_

_"I don't want to say."_

_"Tell me, B."_

_"It's exciting with her...fresh...no drama."_

* * *

><p>I stood up from the bed, walked into the bathroom and slamming the door.<p>

Seconds later, I heard her stumble from the bed and I quickly locked the door.

There was nothing that she could say to me right now.

I saw the ring box taunting me from where I had left it but I felt nauseous at the thought of even getting high.

One bad trip had made me leery of doing anything else.

Plus, Ian's words were still fresh in my mind.

I stripped my clothes off and climbed in the shower with my back to the water...my wound was still achy and I didn't want to aggravate it.

Despite what Dr. Jindahl believed, I actually hated hospitals.

She was banging on the door now but I just continued to shower.

_"Ana? Unlock the door."_

_"Fuck off Brittany._" I called out sweetly...allowing my headache to add to my level of bitchiness.

She really had pushed me past my limit.

We were married and parents now...why the games?

Why the cheating?

_"I'm going to pick it."_

I sighed and rinsed the conditioner from my hair.

_"I don't give a flying fuck what you do, Brittany Susan!"_

I heard her ram her shoulder into the door and then curse in pain.

I felt sorry for her and then I looked down at my bruised wrist which I had to disguise all day long and I rolled my eyes.

She could kiss my ass right now.

_"You're supposed to be listening to me."_

_"Yeah and you're supposed to not want to fuck around."_

_"Open this door!"_

_"Open it yourself!"_

_"Fine!"_

* * *

><p>I didn't respond to her bullying, I just kept on showering.<p>

It felt so good to just rinse my cares away, rinse off the bittersweet day that I had.

My head was still throbbing and I wanted it to just go away already.

I ran a light hand over my stomach, feeling the dull burn where they pulled Isaac from me and could feel the throb.

He should still be there.

But I had been stupid.

The cursing continued and I could hear the clicking.

She was getting increasingly angry.

I knew that I needed to get out and unlock the door but I just wasn't ready to face Britt yet.

I stepped out of the shower and began to dry my skin, trying to remember the last time I had taken time to myself like this and I couldn't remember.

Now that I was calmer, I needed to fix shit with my wife.

But I wouldn't have the chance.

* * *

><p>The door swung open and slammed against the wall, I jumped back nearly falling backwards into the shower.<p>

_"What the fuck is wrong with you!"_ I yelled stomping my foot.

The action sending pain through my body.

My head hurt again as I glared at her.

I probably didn't look as intimidating standing there naked but I was hoping she would take me seriously.

She didn't.

Britt grabbed my hands and pulled them above my head before stepping close to me and pressing my back against the wall.

She pressed against me, ignoring my stomach and brushing against it.

I hissed and sniffed back the tears that were starting to come.

_"Did you use any?"_

I was confused but then remembered the velvet box on the sink.

It felt good to be able to tell the truth.

_"No."_ I whispered. _"I'm done."_

_"Why because your precious Ian asked you to?"_

_"Fuck you Brittany, I'm stopping for me, for Isaac, for us!"_

We were staring each other down now.

I was exhausted and in pain and didn't have any tolerance for this bullshit at the moment.

_"Yea right."_

She was almost nose to nose with me now and had a really tight grip on me.

The tears were pouring down now but I paid them no mind and kept trying to sniff through a stuffy nose.

Who was this person in front of me?

* * *

><p><em>"B, you're really fucking pushing it right now. I'm not going to deal with this shit from you."<em>

My voice cracked at the end and she barked out a laugh that chilled me.

This was too reminiscent of the people who had violated me.

Too reminiscent of my ex-husband.

_"Yes you will. We both know that you will do whatever the fuck I say."_

She was right...for the most part.

_"What is wrong with you?"_

She pressed me against the wall even harder and was nearly suffocating me with her overwhelming presence.

My stomach ached so badly and I wanted to scream.

_"You know Santana, I tried being sweet with you, I tried playing stupid, but you don't respond to those things you walk all over me, so now I'm going to be in control of this relationship."_

_"You have always been in control, I would do anything for you! Don't you get that?"_ I was whispering and pleading for her to understand.

_"No, you keep getting high...you keep lying to me...no matter what I do, you always have to rebel against me."_

_"You're not my father! You're not my mother! You don't fucking rule me!"_

_"I'm your wife."_

_"Only when you feel it's convenient, apparently."_

_"I could say the same for you."_ she said.

My arms were burning as they were pressed tightly against the wall above me.

Why did people always do this to me?

_"Britt please? I just want us to be alright again. I'll give you the world if you want it, I'll do anything to make this marriage better. If you want to go fuck your little bitch because you need something I can't give you, if you want to go on that tour, if you want me to do everything you fucking ask of me, then I will but I can't live like this, being abused every time I fucking breathe wrong, not again. Please stop this, let go of me, please?"_

* * *

><p><strong>-A<strong>


	52. Chapter 52:Tired

**Chapter 52: Tired (Adele)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>I can't live like this, being abused every time I fucking breathe wrong, not again. Please stop this, let go of me, please?"<em>**

* * *

><p>I could feel the tears pouring from my eyes as I begged her to stop, pleaded with her to give me her love back no matter what the cost.<p>

Even if it meant allowing her to break our wedding vows...again.

_"And if I want all of that? Frankie, the tour, your undying devotion you would give it all to me?"_

_"Always and only you, B."_

_"Then that's what I want."_ she said as she dropped my hands, I wiggled my fingers as the blood flowed back into them.

I looked up at her and sucked my lips into my mouth before nodding in agreement.

_"Okay."_ I whispered taking the chance to lean into her chest. Sobs wracked my body, I felt like I had just sold my soul, sold out my marriage. _"Can I-I just ask one thing?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Don't stop loving me, don't leave me...please?"_

I cried into her chest and she wrapped her arms tightly around me dropping kisses to my head.

This was pathetic.

_"I will never leave you Ana. I love you more than anything. Always and only you."_

* * *

><p>So that's how the agreement came to be, I turned a blind eye to her going behind locked doors with her phone and she didn't hurt me.<p>

I felt a wall go up between us, that only I could see.

Britt went on being her happy self and I played the part of her adoring wife.

I stopped using and focused on graduating and being a good Mami.

All of the temptation was still there but I resisted.

The next two days back to school, I was a model student and was on time or early to most of my classes and when I saw my candy man in the hallways and he would wink at me, I would look the other way.

Being strung out on whatever he was pushing, was not how I wanted to finish off high school.

Everything was feeling great and Britt was starting to be more caring towards me.

I was skeptical though...when something feels too good to be true...it usually is.

* * *

><p>Saturday morning, I laid curled up in my wife's arms, as she sung sweet songs to me and I felt like I could lie there forever at peace with her.<p>

It almost seemed like we were back to us.

Back to being Santittany.

We were laughing and staring into each other's eyes.

And I actually felt better.

Clean and loved.

_"Are you excited about today?"_ she whispered in my ear.

_"Yes! I want these staples out so that I can start running again."_

_"And fucking?"_

_"Yes and getting my mack on with my old lady." _I chuckled.

_"Hey! You're older than me remember?"_

_"I was joking Britt."_

_"I know!"_

_"So what do you want to do after we leave the hospital?"_

_"I want to go for a drive. I want to escape for the night. We never got our honeymoon."_

_"Right. Well we can visit Isaac and then how about we go out on a date...dinner and dancing?"_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes...there is that club that opened across from the mall. I think it's 18 to enter."_

_"I don't know if that is the best place for us right now...how about we just have a picnic in the Children's garden? or by the lake?"_

_"Okay, Britt whatever you want."_

_"Yea! We can go see the ducks!"_

_"That sounds amazing."_

* * *

><p>Everything was happening so fast, graduation a month and a half away, Isaac would be out of the hospital soon after that and today was our senior brunch at Breadstix.<p>

Britt and I were actively dating now and back to having sex every chance we got.

The aggression between us was still there and it still seemed like she had lost apart of herself.

But I pressed on.

I hadn't touched drugs or alcohol in two weeks and Britt and I were back to fucking daily again.

And even if I felt used by the end of it...I was just happy that she was paying me attention over Frankie.

I was pressed against the shower wall with my leg thrown over her hip as she fucked me with four fingers.

She had been taking out her frustration with the little shit that I did that she didn't approve of, during sex.

It seemed to be the way she kept herself from gripping me up.

Only during sex could she hold onto me without me begging her to stop because I was willing to take it all even if it was painful at times.

I rested my head against her shoulder as she growled into my neck.

_"You like this? Me fucking you like this?"_

_"Y-yes! More...harder B...God! Ahhh"_ I felt my eyes nearly pop out as she shifted and got her whole hand inside of me. It felt uncomfortable at first but then she began to move and I felt like I was going to fall to pieces. _"Shit!"_

_"Mmmm...that's my little wife taking it like a champ...you keep taking it like this and I won't need Frankie so much while I'm home from the tour."_ My heart leapt a little...so this is what she needed...I could do this. _"Is this too much? Huh? Can you take it?"_

_"I can take it all baby...all of it...B! I-I'm c-c-cumming! Shit!"_

_"I want you to give me all you got...I gave Frankie nine orgasms in a row...can you beat that?"_ she was taunting me but Santana fucking Lopez doesn't back down from a challenge.

_"Yes...baby...ayyyyy...B!"_

_"That's three..."_

_"Harder B!"_ I screamed.

I groaned when she abruptly pulled out of me.

_"In the bed, on your knees."_ she slapped my ass as I stood back on shaky legs.

This was too much like Marco.

Too much like my past.

I wanted my wife back...but she seemed long gone.

This couldn't be my life.

_"We're going to be late for the brunch, B." _I whined.

_"Fuck the brunch! We will show up fashionably late. In bed! Don't make me say it again!"_

* * *

><p>I pushed my aching body to climb onto the bed and get into position with my feet dangling over the side of the mattress just like she wanted.<p>

Before I could even prepare myself, she was sliding her whole hand back inside of me.

_"Fuck!"_ I moaned into the mattress, that did not feel good.

She held onto my shoulder as she took me completely...she was deeper and more excited than before.

I was screaming now as my tears soaked the pillow.

My body was so close to climaxing.

The only sound in the room was our grunts and the wet slapping sound as she pounded over and over.

Even with my mind jumping back to bad memories, I was still egging her on.

_"Mmmmm...harder! Faster!"_ I yelled because it excited her, even though I wanted softer and slower. _"Ayyyyy!"_ I screamed as I came again back to back to back.

I was at six orgasms now.

_"Show me why I married you Ana!"_ she muttered into my ear.

I began to push back into her hand as she pounded trying to make this happen faster.

My orgasm came hard and had me seeing stars.

I was at eight...I was going to knock this bitch out if the water,

Even if it literally killed me!

_"More B...yes! More! Just like that...mmmmm!"_ Ten, beat that bitch! Even though I was tired and had passed the goal, I kept going._ "More...don't stop!"_

_"You still want more?"_

_"Yes!"_ No. _"Please!"_

Stop.

I could tell that Britt was worn out because she was slowing down.

Then she pulled out of me.

I collapsed to the bed before I hit eleven.

_"My hand hurt...sorry baby."_

_"It's okay B. We can try again later...ok?"_ I said smiling through my pain.

_"With the strap on?"_

_"Whatever you want baby."_ I just wanted a fucking break...my body ached. _"For now let's get in the shower again but no funny business. Okay?"_

* * *

><p>I hadn't wanted to go to the stupid brunch...it was a free day and with Isaac in the regular nursery now just a month after being born, that was where wanted to be.<p>

But no...I had to go...glee club was performing.

How fucking great!

I just wanted to be with my son but B had asked to go and perform, with the cutest pout on her face, so I couldn't say no.

I was standing under the water when I felt B pull me back against her,

_"Britt! We're going to be late!"_ I whined but she just grunted and bent me back over.

Not again.

My body ached.

How was she more insatiable than Marco?

_"I want that last one, I know you were almost there." _she said, as she pushed on my upper half until I was completely bent over.

_"Okay B...but we have to leave soon...okay?"_

I tried not to sound too much like I was begging, not that it would have mattered.

* * *

><p>I felt the water pounding down on my back as I held onto the edge of the tub with my head just inches from the wall.<p>

She only used two fingers this time and it was only moments before I crumbled again.

Like this, it felt better.

More pleasurable.

More like being in love.

But then she had to go and ruin it.

_"That wasn't good enough, Ana."_ she said as she slapped my ass.

_"I'm sorry."_ I groaned.

_"You're not sorry yet!"_

Fuck.

I knew that meant we were definitely going to be late.

She had been saying that whenever I spent _"too much"_ time with Ian.

Last night, Ian and I had stayed until the end of visiting hours and then he took me out for pizza before I drove him home.

The night before, I had spent the night with Quinn after working on a project.

Britt had Cheerios drills and couldn't make it both times.

Now I was going to pay for it.

Dammit!

I took a deep breath and waited as she stepped out the shower.

_"Don't move...I don't want to wait for later. Just a quickie!"_

Fuck me...or rather don't fuck me!

I kept my head facing the bottom of the tub as I felt her climb back in behind me.

This was all apart of her game...fuck me to oblivion, so that I was nice at these stupid functions and I wasn't flirting too much with Ian or Q.

I was scared to see what happened for prom night, especially, if either one of them wanted to dance with me.

* * *

><p>Britt dug her fingers into my hips and slammed into me hard with the strap-on.<p>

My head would have collided with the wall if she hadn't been holding on to me so tightly.

I barely had time to breathe with her rapid movements.

She was jack-hammering into me and I was trying not to scream in pain.

_"Are you holding out on me, Ana?"_

Crap I forgot to at least moan.

Crap!

_"N-no Britt."_

_"Sounds like it, what I'm not as good as Ian? Not as cool as Quinn? Hmm?"_

_"I'm yours baby, only yours, no one fucks me like you do...ahhhhh fuck!"_

_"Am. I. too. much. for. you? Hmm? Maybe I should find someone else, I mean, if you can't handle it."_

_"Fuck! So good B! I wish you could just fuck me all day!"_ I groaned out.

I knew it was a stretch but I knew what her response would be to my pronouncement.

_"Too bad...brunch and then the hospital and then the sleepover tonight with Q and Rachel."_

_"Are you sure you can't fuck me any more baby? Oh...god! Harder baby! Like that...yes!"_ I screamed out.

She finally pulled back and slammed back in.

I came again screaming her name.

_"Maybe, I'll find the time."_ she said as she smacked my ass again.

I came three times before Britt was finally satisfied that I had been dealt with.

She left me alone to shower while she pulled out our clothes.

Finally able to release all the bottled up emotions for the moment, I found myself in tears.

I felt horrible with the way things were going since this whole deal because I wasn't getting anything out of this arrangement.

I was sore all the time and I was starting to feel like a piece of trash.

The more I gave of myself to Britt the worse I felt.

I found myself anxious for September to come so that I could get a break from her.

* * *

><p>We ended up getting to brunch only thirty minutes late.<p>

Britt held my hand tightly as we trudged up the handicap ramp.

I was so sore that I was dreading being around my peers and having to sit-down.

Especially with her hovering over me all the time.

At this rate, Frankie could have her.

I plastered on a huge smile, after promising Britt that I would be on my best behavior.

_"San! You made it!"_ Quinn hobbled over to me in her boot.

I smiled at her and immediately regretted it.

B squeezed at my hand before I could say the hundred or so cripple jokes that were floating in my head.

Even if that was just how me and Q were...but I got the message.

So I was nice.

_"Hey Q, how are you?"_

Quinn noticed.

And she didn't like what she saw.

_"Fine, hey B would you mind if I stole San for a little while?"_

_"Sure thing...I wanted to go hang out with the glee club for a bit anyway...see ya!"_

_"Thanks, B!"_

Britt bounced off in her mock aloofness.

And I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

* * *

><p><em>"You look like hell."<em> Q whispered in my ear as she pulled me off to a solitary booth.

_"Then I look, how I feel."_ I said as I slowly eased down on my side of the booth.

Barely biting back a groan.

_"Why is this only the second time that we have been alone in almost a month? What's going on with you? If I didn't know any better I'd think that Britt turned into Marco, from the way you follow her around these days, I'm starting to worry. I mean I'm happy that you have been clean but does that mean you have to stop living? Is B acting like Marco?"_

_"As always Q, you really aren't far off from the truth."_

Quinn sat in stunned silence and then reached out for my hand but I pulled my hands off the table and dropped them into my lap and just shook my head.

Even with her across the room, I knew that Britt was watching.

_"I can't do that, not while she can see us. She thinks that we are too intimate for best friends...I mean she knows how intimate I was with her as my best friend."_

_"But we are just best friends. We weren't even serious when we had sex with each other. It's not happening again. We agreed."_

_"Doesn't matter...she made me change my seats in our classes that we have together because she said you and I sitting in the back of the room was suspicious and that we could be doing anything back there. She is past the point of reason."_

_"Shit! I thought you were just being bitchy. You can't live like this...not again. Are you even happy anymore?"_

_"No...aside from Glee and seeing Isaac...being around you is the best part of my day."_

_"Mine too!"_

_"But I have to back up my wife...Lord knows that I have screwed up enough. She deserves my devotion."_

_"Is she cheating on you?"_

_"W-why would you even ask that?"_

She raised that fucking eyebrow of hers and just shook her head.

Leave it to Q...she knows me better than anyone, I swear it.

_"Only someone this jealous and overprotective would be doing it to just project their guilt of cheating onto someone else. So tell me...is she cheating on you?"_

_"I caught her having phone sex...with Frankie and now I know for a fact that she does it almost every night, I'm surprised they aren't doing it on Skype."_ I whispered.

_"That's really screwed up...quick ask me something...she's coming over here."_

_"Um...so when's the cast come off?"_

_"Not soon enough...hopefully I won't be hobbling across that stage."_

_"Hey Q...you think I can have Ana back?" _Britt said as she hovered over me.

_"Yea sure B. San, do me a favor, when you see Rachel, can you tell her where I am? I don't think I can make the journey."_

_"Sure thing Q."_ I winked and walked away.

* * *

><p>As we walked over to the buffet, Britt leaned down next to my ear and whispered,<p>

_"Did that husky voice of hers make you wet?"_

I pulled back and looked at her in shock.

_"Are you fucking kidding me right now, Brittany?"_ I whispered back harshly

Britt let out a fake chuckle and then pulled on my elbow, ignoring my question.

_"Let's eat!"_ she said in her bubbly Brittany voice.

I found Rachel harassing the manager of the place about proper arrangement of microphones or something and pulled her away.

_"Hey, Rach...my crippled friend is over there in need of some sweet lady kisses and maybe some conversation."_

Rachel looked over at Quinn sitting alone in a booth playing with a straw wrapper and dazing out the window.

_"I guess you're right...thanks for the heads up."_ she said as she wandered over to Q.

Brittany leaned in again and said,

_"Awww...anything for your girlfriend Quinn, right?"_

_"She's not my girlfriend...I'm happily married thank you very much!"_

I finished putting crap on my plate and then walked off to a booth in the back.

When we sat down Britt had crinkled up her brow and was watching someone over my shoulder.

There was only one person that made that face appear and I was afraid of what was coming.

I had purposely sat with my back to the restaurant so that she didn't think I wasn't checking anyone out and here she was not even looking at me, obviously more interested in the rest of the room.

I kicked her under the table _"accidentally"_ and then smiled.

_"Still sore?"_ she asked raising her eyebrow.

I looked down at my plate not bothering to answer.

* * *

><p>The rest of the brunch had been a snooze fest with exception of B finding ways to take digs at my friendship with Q.<p>

The glee club performed and it was one of the first times in a long while that I felt genuinely happy.

After we climbed from the stage and sat back down in our booth, Puck and Ian came over and sat with us.

Puck had sat beside Britt and was picking at what was left of her french toast sticks while Ian squeezed in next to me.

Bad move, Perkins.

I sat stiffly until he playfully began to poke me in the ribs making me laugh out loudly.

God, why was he doing this?

I could see the chill in B's eyes so I tried to avoid them at all cost.

_"Hey baby Mami, you okay?"_ Ian joked, I punched his arm trying to get him to stop, he just chuckled and took a sip of my orange juice.

I found myself wishing that he and I had become friends sooner because he was a pretty cool ass dude.

_"Nothing much, Papa bear. NoNo...what's up with you, what do we owe the honor of you two young strapping gentlemen at our table? Hate to break it to you but we are married teen lesbians!"_

I winked at Britt who smiled but it didn't reach the cold in her eyes.

_"Well Quinn and Rachel invited us tonight for a small soiree and I was wondering if I could catch a ride with you two since we are all headed to see Isaac after this?"_

_"Absolutely, you got it papa bear."_ I said leaning into him.

He threw his arm over my shoulder and then looked at Britt having quickly learned that he had to always ask her things too.

_"How about you Brittany you don't mind do you?"_

_"Nah...as a matter of fact, I'm going to cut out on the hospital and ma_y_be even the party. My parents have been bugging me to visit them, plus, I need to get a jump start on my senior project. So babe can you drop me off on your way to the hospital?"_

_"Of course babe, are you sure you don't want to go?" _Britt nodded and then looked off out the window. I turned to Ian and shrugged,_ "I guess it's just the two of us. Hey, since we are going to the hospital and then both going to the party do you just wanna ride with me all day? How did you get here?"_

_"That would be great...and I walked here, duh, you know, I do only live two blocks away." _

_"Right."_

The guys got up from the table to go cause trouble elsewhere, so I took the opportunity to slide in the booth next to Britt.

I didn't want this to get ugly later._  
><em>

* * *

><p>I knew that Britt was pissed, I could feel the anger rolling off of her in waves but she was really good at masking her feelings.<p>

Cautiously, I leaned in and kissed her.

I pulled back and looked up into her eyes and could see that she was fighting back tears.

I leaned my nose against hers and put my hands on either side of her face to make sure she was only looking at me.

_"Always and only yours, B."_

_"Okay." _she said wiping her eyes.

_"Don't cry. I'm sorry for whatever I did."_

_"Yeah...right!"_ she said blinking her eyes rapidly trying to stop the tears.

_"Tell me how to fix this B, I won't drive him if you don't want me to. I'll go tell him right now."_

I turned to leave but she grabbed my hand.

I looked back at her and saw her nibbling on her lip.

Crap...

_"Look, Ana, I think that I need to get away for a few days...since seniors are off next Monday, I think I want to go to New York."_

_"Okay. When do you want to leave? How much should I pack?"_

_"No. Santana, I'm going alone."_

_"A-alone? B? What are you going to do there alone? Who are you going to do?"_

I felt the tears burning my eyes but I would not cry here.

* * *

><p><em>"Stop whining Ana, it's so fucking unattractive."<em> she said.

I got up from the booth and grabbed my purse ready to storm from the restaurant, when she ended up pushing me out of the way and walking to the door.

Fuck that!

I chased her all the way out to the parking lot and I grabbed her arm spinning her around to face me.

I held her arm tightly, stared her straight in the eyes and kept my voice at a low and angry whisper.

_"How are you going to fucking pay for it? Hmm? Don't think I'm going to bankroll your trip to New York, so that you can go fuck someone else!"_

She looked at me and then yanked her arm away.

_"I don't need any money from you, Santana! I don't need anything from you!"_

With that, she stormed off without even looking back over her shoulder.

And I just stood there in the parking lot of Breadstix with the whole fucking senior class watching me get rejected by, Brittany.

I am sure that I looked completely pathetic standing there all alone, just watching her walk off, until I couldn't see her anymore but I didn't care.

My heart was breaking.

I was so fucking sick and tired of the bullshit!

How had everything gotten so screwed up?


	53. Chapter 53:I Don't Love You

**Chapter 53:I Don't Love You (My Chemical Romance)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>How had everything gotten so screwed up?<em>**

* * *

><p>I didn't fight the tears this time around.<p>

I stood there staring off to where Britt had gone and I sobbed like a freaking lunatic.

I wrapped my arms around myself and hung my head and watched my tear drops hit the cracked pavement.

My body froze when I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders and just from the scent, I knew it was Ian.

After he wrapped his other arm around me too, I stood there crying hard into his shirt.

_"It's okay babe...come on let's go see Isaac, okay?"_ I stayed tucked in his arms but nodded in agreement.

I just kept replaying what had just happened.

Had Brittany just blatantly told me she was going to go fuck Frankie?

What kind of alternate universe was this?

Everything felt sick and twisted and backwards.

_"San?"_

I turned from the wet spot on the front of Ian's shirt, to see Quinn hobbling down the ramp in her boot trying to get to me as fast as she could.

I pulled Ian so that we could move closer to the ramp and she didn't kill herself trying to comfort me.

She finally reached the bottom and immediately wiped my tears with her hands.

_"Hey baby girl."_ she whispered.

_"Hey Q."_

_"I'm going to come with you guys okay? I haven't seen my godson in a while. We can meet everyone else at the house later, Rachel has the keys to the house."_

We walked over to the car and I realized that Britt had the fucking keys to my car.

Ugh!

* * *

><p>Thank God for the spare.<p>

I made Ian and Quinn block any peepers and then popped off the license plate.

Ian's face changed into one of awe and I couldn't help but laugh through my tears.

Feeling miserable and a bit unhinged, I handed Ian the keys and headed to the passenger side.

_"You drive."_

_"Really? This car is worth more than my house!"_

_"I'm sure it is, especially since it's got all the bells and whistles."_

_"Are you sure that you're okay with this?"_

_"It replaceable. Plus, I trust you...just don't fuck it up, Q already has one broken leg, let's not make it two."_

Quinn stuck her tongue out and relaxed into the back seat.

_"Can we put the top down?"_

_"Go for it."_

* * *

><p>By the time that we got to the hospital, Ian and Quinn had done everything that they could to cheer me up.<p>

Quinn had even gone on to tell Ian the most embarrassing stories about me.

Which made me just get mad.

He would glance my way and start laughing and I kept screaming for him to watch the road.

All in all, I was just excited to be able to see my son after such a shitty morning.

In the elevator, I thanked my two friends for their awesomeness and ended up getting a kiss on each cheek at the same time.

Ian just fit so flawlessly into my life, it was as if he was just meant to always be there.

Of course nothing in my life stays happy for long.

* * *

><p>When we got to the reception area to check in, I was promptly told that I had been barred from seeing Isaac pending prior approval by his guardian.<p>

_"What? I am his mother, this is his father...how can we be banned?"_

_"Oh he isn't banned, just you Mrs. Lopez. Your wife said that you were a potential hazard to Isaac...in your current condition."_

_"What condition? There is nothing wrong with me?"_

The nurse leaned over the counter and whispered with too much snark for my taste,

_"The drugs"_

_"You're kidding me right? I'm sober!"_ I yelled.

_"Mrs. Lopez, I suggest that you discuss personal matters with your wife." _she said as she returned to her computer without even looking my way.

_"Oh I will!"_ I yelled pushing her stupid clipboard to the floor._ "You guys can go see him if you want and I will just wait in the hall."_ I muttered as I sat in a chair that faced the glass wall of the nursery.

This was as close as I could get to my son, Ian and Quinn both looked pissed but I urged them to go see Isaac.

Britt had crossed a big line.

* * *

><p>Q decided to stay with me so that Ian could go in saying that at least one of Isaac's parents should see him.<p>

I had no tears left for this moment because all I felt was rage.

Britt had gone too far, it was one thing to fight with me and control things in my life but it was another to keep me away from the only thing I had going for me at the moment.

The only thing that was keeping me sober.

I wasn't going to let this go so easily.

She had just started a fucking war.

A war that I would win!

_"What's going on with you two, San? Where did Britt go?"_

_"She says that she is going to New York for the weekend. You can figure out the rest."_

_"Frankie?"_

_"Hmm."_

_"I thought we were all set for tonight. When did she decide this?"_

_"About a half hour ago after I sat too close to Ian or something...who the fuck knows anymore?"_

_"That's really messed up, San."_

_"That is nothing compared to leaving for the next three days and barring me from seeing Isaac."_

_"So what are you going to do?"_

_"I have no idea right now, Q."_

* * *

><p>When Ian tapped on the glass window to get my attention, my head snapped up and I saw that he was holding Isaac up so that I could at least see him through the glass.<p>

I walked across the hall and stood almost flush with the wall and looked at my son.

It had been two days since I had last seen him and his cheeks were already chubbier and his twitch was almost gone.

He was starting to grow at a rapid pace and often times, he looked different from day-to-day.

Isaac looked up at me with those amazing eyes and his mouth formed a smile.

Did he really recognize me?

My eyes burned as I felt the tears coming but I didn't want him to see me looking sad.

Those brilliant baby blue eyes sparkled as I made silly faces at him.

I felt so much better just getting so see him and just had to settle with not being able to hold him for now.

Britt be damned.

I was happy that at least Ian was here with him and made sure that I got to see him to.

It was like the most amazing thing right now.

* * *

><p>I looked up into Ian's equally beautiful blue eyes and could see the want in his eyes.<p>

And I was sure that my eyes probably reflected the same emotion.

I knew that Ian felt that same pull that I did when we were with Isaac together...it was insanely confusing to me because I know that I'm a lesbian but I can't explain my attraction to him.

_"San?"_ Quinn cleared her throat snapping me out of my daze.

She stood beside me also smiling at Isaac.

_"Yea, Q?"_ I asked turning towards her.

_"If that is how you always look at Ian, I can see why B is so jealous. Shit, I'm jealous as your best friend. Its like when you two are together, no one else exists, almost exactly like when you are with Britt."_

_"Seriously?"_

_"Uh, yea. You definitely need to check that before it gets worse and you actually do something stupid."_

_"I can't help it, Q. I'm just so attracted to him...what am I supposed to do?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"Easier said then done."_

_"I know what you mean, that's how I felt after I had Beth...I felt this pull towards Puck but when we tried it and I slept with him...we realized that the attraction wasn't sexual at all just kind of parental...almost like a **"we did this"** attraction. My advice to you, don't do it...I wasn't married when I attempted it, but you my friend are supposed to be happily wed."_

_"I am happily wed. I love my wife. All I know is that right now my knight in shining armor is Ian and Britt doesn't like it one bit."_ I was talking to her but still making faces at Isaac.

_"Yea well, can you blame her for being upset?"_

_"It's more than that though, you know, she even punishes me for it...she gets really rough and then asks if I'm thinking about you or Ian. It just makes me want to fuck you two already, just so she can be right."_

* * *

><p><em>"I knew it!"<em> Fuck...how does B always pop up at these kind of moments? "_So why don't you just do it already Ana?"_ I ignored her and looked back at Isaac. _"Are you really ignoring me, Santana?" _

I didn't turn around, I just nodded my head.

Britt had fucked me over and so in my eyes, she didn't deserve my fucking sympathy right now.

Ian had apparently seen Britt before I did because he had handed the baby back to the nurse and was already on his way out.

But I still refused to turn around.

I was still hyper aware of her though, I felt her come up behind me and I stiffened.

And then I yelped when she gripped the hell out of my arm and pulled me around to face her.

I couldn't believe that she was doing this here in front of other people.

Quinn, my usually helpful buffer, was so unstable in that boot that she couldn't manage to step between me and Britt fast enough.

We stood toe to toe and I was refusing to look away.

I heard Quinn clear her throat trying to get me to step back even though Britt was still holding me with an iron tight grip.

_"San we should go...Britt, don't do this here." _Quinn pleaded._ "Oh thank God...are you ready to go, Ian?"_ Quinn asked, trying to get Ian to make me leave.

_"No, Quinn I'm not quite ready."_ he said, as he stood in front of me forcing Britt to let go of me. I was shocked that he had the balls to stand up against her. He had seen how she had gripped me up and I know that he didn't like it especially knowing my history with abuse. He completely blocked me and pushed me behind him.

_"Ian don't."_ I tried to protest but he ignored me.

* * *

><p><em>"Brittany you need to leave." <em>He said calmly.

_"Who the hell do you think you are to tell me what to do?" _She screeched at him.

_"I haven't signed those papers yet, I still have full rights to Isaac and if you keep treating Santana this way, I won't let you adopt him."_

_"I'm his guardian." _Britt said with more venom than I knew she possessed.

_"For three more weeks"_ I squeaked out as I literally hid with my head against Ian's back.

I could feel his muscles clenched in anger and it made me feel safe as I rubbed my sore arm.

I knew that I would have a new bruise there, by the end of the day.

_"Are you really fucking siding with him, Santana? Against me? Against your own wife?"_

I tried to step around Ian but he kept blocking me and eventually wrapped one of his arms backwards and lightly held my hand in his.

Quinn was rubbing my back knowing that I was ready to explode and that this was really not helping my feelings towards Brittany.

_"I just came to bring you, your damn keys. Fuck you, Santana! I hope the three of you are really happy together!"_ I heard the jingle of keys as Ian caught them.

* * *

><p>Once Britt was gone, Ian turned around and looked at me.<p>

_"Are you alright? Does your arm hurt, bad?"_

_"No...I've had worse."_

He shook his head sadly.

_"I don't doubt that. Come on, let's get out of here."_

When we climbed back in the car, I let Ian drive again.

I was too fucking distraught to focus on anything, especially the road.

I hadn't let on to how much my arm actually hurt because when Britt was rough sometimes she pinned my arms behind my back.

Sometimes, I wished that I was really fat so she couldn't push me around so much.

Ugh...I just needed to fix this!

_"Take me home."_ I whispered.

_"What?" _Quinn said from the back seat sounding disappointed.

_"I just need to pack a bag. I can't be in the apartment by myself this weekend or I'm going to fuck up and use...I know it."_

* * *

><p>I had been hoping that Britt had just driven straight to Dayton already, so that I would be able to be in and out but when we pulled up next to Britt's truck in the parking lot...I knew that shit was about to go from bad to worse.<p>

When Ian saw my expression, he went to get out of the car but I stopped him.

_"No, Ian. Let me talk to her okay? She isn't going to hurt me. I'll be back in 10 minutes."_

_"If you aren't back by then, I'm coming up there."_

_"Deal."_

I felt the tears slowly coming down my cheeks as I approached the apartment.

I was so frustrated and angry.

I had never wanted things to get like this, where I was scared to go home...I thought I was done with that.

Life with Marco was supposed to be that but not with Britt.

Everything was just so wrong.

I shakily put my key in the lock and nearly lost my hand when Britt flung the door open.

She looked more furious than I had ever seen her.

When she saw that I was alone, she yanked me forward by my shirt and crashed her lips against mine.

She held me close to her body and then pushed the door shut.

_"Stop it, B."_

_"No."_

_"I told them that I would be back in ten minutes."_

_"This won't take that long."_

_"Britt...please, don't."_

_"Enough talking."_

* * *

><p>She pulled me into the bedroom and then pushed me so hard, that I fell over the end of the bed and onto my ass.<p>

I scrambled to get up but wasn't fast enough.

She locked the door and stormed towards me.

As I got to my knees, she grabbed me by my ponytail.

_"What the fuck Britt? We had a deal!"_ I yelled at her.

She pushed me onto the bed and hiked up my jean skirt.

_"Time for a new deal."_

_"Britt, please, stop!"_

I have never been able to resist Britt so when she plunged her fingers inside of me, I was instantly wet.

My pleads were weak as my hormones took over.

So pathetic!

_"Don't pretend that you don't want this, Santana, your body could never lie to me!"_ she said panting as she went harder and deeper.

_"Please stop, they are down there in the car waiting."_

_"They can fucking wait."_

_"Shit...B-b I thought you were leaving? Why are you still here?"_

_"I am leaving. Flight leaves in an hour but I needed some sexy times first. Don't worry I'll be out of here in time for the threesome."_ she said as she went from two fingers to four.

_"What? Fuck...ayyy! B..."_ I moaned out.

_"I like you like this...calling out my name while your fuck buddies are downstairs."_

_"Shit! Al-always and o-ooooh fuck!"_

_"It's been three minutes Ana, I definitely have time don't you think...I mean it's what you asked for after all."_

She climbed off of me and headed to the bathroom.

Fuck that.

* * *

><p>I jumped up from the bed, grabbed my Cheerios duffel bag and started throwing shoes and clothes inside of it.<p>

This was too much like Marco and I couldn't deal right now.

I was at the dresser grabbing my makeup bag, when I looked up in the mirror, to see Britt behind me again.

I flinched as she pushed me forward and reached under my skirt shoving my panties to the side, I tried to move away but she slammed into me so hard it took my breath away.

Why had I picked such a big dildo?

My stomach ached and my insides clenched as she had her way with me.

I had no choice but to stay where I was and let her get what she needed from me, I grabbed onto the edge of the dresser and I screamed out...in pleasure...in pain.

_"I'm going to fuck you so hard that you will still feel it next week!"_

_"Britt...nayyyyy...only you. I love you!"_

I had my face pressed into my make up bag as she continued to ride me.

I was so tired.

I felt so torn.

When I looked up in the mirror again, I could see that she was wearing an ugly snarl on her face as she gripped my hips hard.

This wasn't an act of love.

_"Cum for me."_ she reached under me and pinched my clit hard. My knees began to buckle but she was holding me up. _"You only have four minutes left...cum for me now!"_

_"Britt...Britt! Mmmm...no one but you baby! Uh!"_ I screamed out as she slammed hard into me, going deeper than ever before.

I came hard and felt faint.

Why was I still turned on?

I was turning into someone who I loathed.

Britt knew all of my triggers and just kept pushing them whenever the hell she felt like it.

When she finally pulled out of me, there was an insane smile on her face, almost maniacal.

She slapped my ass and pulled my skirt back down.

When I heard the bathroom door close, I let out a sigh of relief.

The shower came on and I finally relaxed.

I still laid there, feeling used, as I tried hard not to move very fast.

When I looked at my reflection, I could see that I had been sobbing this whole time.

Fuck.

When I finally stood up, I could feel how soaked my panties were and could see how disheveled my appearance was.

I heard the front door open and close and then heavy footsteps.

Ian.

* * *

><p><em>"Santana, honey, are you okay?"<em> Ian said from the other side of my bedroom door.

Stop with sweet shit...you're making it worse.

_"Yea."_ I croaked out, my voice was almost gone.

_"I'm going to wait right here for you okay?"_

_"I'll be out in a sec."_ I croaked out as I looked through my dresser drawers.

Britt came out of the bathroom a second later, looking freshly showered and in a new outfit.

She looked hot as usual, ready to be fucked by that bitch in New York, straight off the plane.

Good riddance.

My body was barely moving as I tried my best to ignore the pain.

But of course, she wouldn't let me.

* * *

><p><em>"Is that your boyfriend that I heard?"<em> she said looking at me and smirking.

_"He's not my fucking boyfriend."_ I muttered.

I was shuffling around packing and pulling out a change of clothes, trying my best to ignore her and move quickly.

Frankly, I just wanted to not feel so gross at the moment.

So even though they were waiting, I needed a shower.

I was stripping off my clothes and she just sat on the bed and stared at me like I had two heads.

What now?

* * *

><p><em>"What the heck are you doing?"<em>

She advanced on me so quick, that I couldn't move fast enough to get away from her.

Before I knew it, she had pinned me back against the dresser again and shoved three of her fingers inside of me.

_"B!"_ I moaned out. She was using her palm and mashing it into my clit and in no time at all, I was cumming again. I could feel the wetness dripping down my leg. _"Fuck! B!"_ I moaned out.

_"Feel good baby?"_ she whispered gently.

_"Fuck! Yes! Ummm I'm so close shit..."_

I was panting as she fucked me straight through an orgasm and halfway to another.

_"Be good while I'm gone."_

She flicked my clit and I became unhinged and screamed out her name at the top of my lungs.

Knowing that Ian heard me, her grin got bigger.

She chuckled and pulled out of me.

_"Clean my fingers for me, babe."_

I sucked her fingers into my mouth and sucked hard on them.

When I had licked them clean she grabbed my jaw and pressed her lips to mine because she always loved the taste of me from both sets of lips...but these the best.

I used to think that it was cute but right now I just wanted her to leave already because right now, I didn't love her very much.

She had violated my body and I just wanted to get away from her.

I just wanted her to get out of MY apartment and never come back.

Almost as if she heard me, she turned from me and just left me standing there like that, freshly fucked and exhausted.

I hoped that she was gone when I stumbled into the bathroom but just in case I locked the door.

Once I relieved my aching bladder, I took the fastest shower possible.

There was no way that I could allow her to come back and take advantage of me in her favorite place to fuck.

Not today and with the way that I was feeling...not ever!

I knew that Ian probably heard everything she had done to me and I was so embarrassed.

* * *

><p>I finished packing and getting dressed and then I opened my bedroom door.<p>

My face was a bit swollen from all the crying but I was hoping that he would ignore it.

Ian was leaning against the counter watching me with concern.

He looked me over for any bruises but there wouldn't be anything visible, I had gotten too good at hiding things like that.

_"Does that happen a lot? I swear, I didn't realize how possessive she gets."_

I shrugged walking past him and opening the door.

_"It's only like that when I'm around you or Quinn."_

_"So every day then."_

I shrugged again as I locked the door.

_"Obviously, I enjoyed it."_

_"You actually sounded like you were in a lot of pain? Like you were crying."_

Because I was.

_"Just let it go, okay? She just gets a little rough sometimes but I'm used to that kind of thing. Like I told you earlier, I have dealt with much worse."_

Rolling his eyes, Ian grabbed my bag and then held my hand as we headed down to the car.

When we got to the top of the stairs I groaned out.

_"Shit! Fucking stairs."_ I muttered.

_"Want me to carry you?"_

_"No, I'm fine."_ I said as I slowly descended the steps.

I urged him to go ahead in front of me, so Ian just waited for me at the bottom.

It took me almost two minutes to make it down.

* * *

><p>Back in the car Quinn was sitting in the back seat looking anxious.<p>

I smiled at her when she finally saw me.

She frowned as Ian put my bag in the seat next to her and then ruffled her hair.

My head hurt really bad and I just wanted to curl up in a ball but I couldn't.

I was throwing up all of my walls, trying to keep it together.

Quinn turned to me and looked me over like Ian had.

_"You look like shit."_

_"Thanks."_

_"I'm surprised that your neighbors don't complain with all that screaming...I could hear you all the way out here."_

_"My neighbor is a pervy old guy, he was probably whacking off!"_

_"Gross!"_

* * *

><p>I walked around to the other side of the car and climbed in the driver seat.<p>

Ian looked at me with a pout.

_"You've had your fun grandma! Now let me show you how to really drive a BMW."_

He smirked and I just rolled my eyes.

I waited for him to get in and then I quickly, put the key in the ignition.

I could feel the tension coming from both of them and I didn't want to deal with it but I knew that I had to.

_"Alright, fine, did she say anything to you guys?"_ I said, turning in my seat so that I could look at both of them.

_"Um she just shot me a dirty look as she went speeding past me through in the kitchen...but she didn't say a word. She just seemed really pissed though."_

I sighed and put my hand on Ian's knee.

_"I'm sorry about that. My wife has lost her mind and I don't even know how to fix it. She's really jealous of you and I'm sorry."_

He nodded, accepting my apology but not really agreeing with it.

I sighed and then I turned to Quinn who still looked insanely upset.

_"She smiled at me and told me to not let you get high or too drunk or you might get pregnant again. She laughed when she said that and then she kissed my cheek before climbing in her truck and driving off, it was a Brittany that I had never seen before, she was kind of scary. Are you okay, San?"_

_"Fuck her. She is basically pushing me into Ian's arms and then is mad about me even considering it."_

_"Well in my opinion you two do seem like given the chance you would go at it like animals. I know you both feel an attraction but you have to fight it! You are such good friends right now, no need to make it awkward."_

_"Why does everyone assume that I'm so fucking eager to cheat on my wife? Including my wife?"_

_"Um...because you have done it before. You slept with her when you were still married to Marco, remember?"_

_"Ugh! Fuck my life! Screw it, I'm getting plastered tonight and Ian, if it happens, it happens...my wife is on her way to go more than two hundred miles just to fuck someone else...so if I fuck you, it's justified let's just do it with condoms this time."_

* * *

><p>Ian sat there looking shocked and turning all shades of pink.<p>

Quinn rolled her eyes at me and I gave her the finger as I turned away.

_"As your best friend, who has seen the way you have been treated, I say an eye for an eye but as your sister, I say don't you fucking dare."_

I rolled my eyes and pulled out of the parking lot.

Ian held onto the door and I let out a laugh.

_"Is this a car chase?"_ he said looking like he was going to shit himself as he looked behind us to see if we were being followed.

Both Quinn and I laughed.

_"Yeah...my demons are chasing me and they can fly, so make sure to duck!"_ I said flashing him a smile.

I was determined to enjoy my weekend, two could play this game.

Settled in my decision to let loose, I pushed play in my CD player and turned up my Pitbull CD to max volume.

I was ready to get crazy tonight because let's be honest, who knew the next time I would be able to do this.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thank you for the reviews. ****-A**


	54. Chapter 54:We All Want Love

**Chapter 54:We All Want Love (Rihanna)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>I was ready to get crazy tonight because let's be honest, who knew the next time I would be able to do this.<em>**

* * *

><p>When we got to Quinn's house, I gave the keys back to Ian and told him to go get ice and that if he scratched my car I was going to sue him.<p>

He looked scared enough to drive like a grandma again.

Which was okay with me, even if I had given him shit for it.

I laughed to myself and grabbed my party CDs and my iPod from my bag.

Feeling better, the more and more that I got into a party mode, I headed straight down to Q's basement, which was partially above ground and led out to a patio and pool.

I opened up the doors to let some of the May heat enter the cool room and took a moment to gather myself.

Britt should be here with me.

We should be partying like we used to...before Marco came back.

But I was alone.

Sniffing back the tears, I internally scolded myself and focused on what I was doing.

I set up the stereo and then put the music on shuffle, I wanted to go big and have a blast.

My worries could wait.

**_Yo! let's make tonight epic! Bring your boys! Don't forget the booze!-TT_**

**_Say no more we r on da way! Make sure ur girls r there!-NoNo_**

I texted the biggest gossip on the Cheerios and told her that there was a party at Q's, knowing that she would take care of the girls for me.

The party was definitely on!

* * *

><p>After I was sure that the party would be able to kick off from the moment people walked in, I ran upstairs, grabbing my bag from the living room on my way up to Quinn's room.<p>

My body still ached but I was feeling better.

Thankfully!

In my entire friendship with Quinn, I have never needed to knock on her door before entering but I'm thinking that maybe I should start.

When I swung the door open and Rachel was in nothing but her panties, straddling Quinn's waist and making out with her, as she lay flat on her back, my jaw dropped.

Who knew Quinn had it like that?

This was a fabulous way to recuperate from a broken bone, why hadn't I thought of that?

This should have been how Britt was with me...even if I had given her stitches!

Some girls just have all the luck!

_"Damn hobbit...if I had known that you were hiding that body under those ugly sweaters...shit...get it Q!"_

I got matching glares as I laughed.

_"San! Seriously? Go!"_

_"Okay, okay!"_

I shut the door and left them to it.

Disgusted and intrigued at the same time, I headed to the guest room instead of watching any longer although it was pretty hot.

* * *

><p>Thankfully I had showered at home so I didn't have to waste time.<p>

I changed into my bikini that I had worked hard all month to look good in again and threw a short red summer dress over it.

Annoyed with Britt again, I covered my bruises with a layer of concealer and then took a step back to make sure that I had gotten everything.

This was not how things were supposed to be...not with Brittany.

We couldn't stay like this.

Something had to change.

I put a light layer of make-up on my face with a little lip gloss before finger combing through my summer curls.

When all was said and done, I felt like a new woman!

I checked my reflection and was satisfied that I was looking fucking amazing and definitely fuckable, although, I didn't want to be fucked.

_"Damn...how do manage to be so damn hot! Woa TT, you sure you want to stay off the market?"_

_"Fuck off Puckerman!"_ I turned towards him scowling playfully.

_"I noticed that being your baby daddy gives BMW privliges...I guess I knocked up the wrong head Cheerio."_

_"I would have kicked your ass, if you had knocked me up and I would never have let you drive my chick magnet. Ian is just amazing and I love him."_

_"Don't let the wife of yours, hear you say that."_

_"She isn't here to care, now, is she? Nope...I didn't think so!_"

_"Yes! I get my wing-woman tonight? Sweet! The party is jumping off, so ready to do this...oh and tell my baby mama that she should lock the door."_

_"Yea, I know, I walked in on them too. Am I the only one in the glee club that didn't know Rachel was so hot under those outfits?"_

_"Yep!"_

* * *

><p>Back downstairs, the party was indeed already bumping.<p>

People were grinding all over each other and some people were already making out.

There was something going on, every where that I turned.

I saw people who I hadn't really seen for months that acted like I was the President when I walked into the room.

Feeling confident, I made my way to the stereo, turned the bass higher and began to dance with NoNo.

He looked down at me and snickered because he noticed that I kept a foot of space between us.

I was still faithful.

I turned around when I felt a hand press the small of my back and saw Ian smiling down at me.

Happy to see him, I pursed my lips and gave him my cheek to kiss.

_"How's my whip?" _I whispered against his ear.

_"Perfect."_

_"Good job Papa bear!"_ I said leaning up to kiss his cheek.

_"Are you ready to have some fun?"_ he smiled sweetly.

_"Beyond ready!"_

* * *

><p>Ian smiled at Puck as he grabbed my hand and pulled me away towards the bar.<p>

Holding his hand was bittersweet, I felt the love from Ian that I craved from Britt and it kept feeling like that knife in my chest was being twisted.

I had to numb this feeling.

No Coke, NO COKE!

Anything but that.

We walked out onto the patio that overlooked the pool and found the bar Puck had set up.

I steered clear of the tequila since it causes black outs and pregnancies (at least for me) and headed straight for the flavored rum, grabbing a whole bottle for me and Ian to share.

_"I sense a drinking game coming on!"_ I heard Puck yell out from behind us.

Fuck, I knew this was going to lead to some shit.

Always did.

* * *

><p>There were about forty of us all dancing and drinking but the moment Puck said drinking game, everyone rushed over to the bar to grab a shot glass or cup.<p>

Great!

And then my heart stopped when I saw a familiar face.

No coke.

Not even a little.

_"Papa bear?"_ Ian leaned down and put his ear next to my lips, I kissed it and then whispered to him, _"if I get insanely plastered like last time...please just don't let me get anywhere near that Chambers kid."_

_"Is that your dealer?" _He looked up and had an angry expression.

_"I prefer to call him my Candy man."_

_"Okay. I won't let you near him."_

_"And don't you touch him either. He could bring me down and I need to keep my record clean for law school. Got it?"_

_"Yes keep my muscle to myself...got it!"_

* * *

><p>People were camped out everywhere some still dancing, others looking like they were going to make babies right in front of everyone.<p>

Gross!

There was strip poker in one corner, flip cup by the pool and someone was setting up a game of beer pong but Puck...he was sticking to never have I ever because when you have done as much as we have it's a surefire way to get trashed fast.

Just my luck.

Even though people were into other games they still took shots if they did something that someone called out.

Things were easy going and I had only taken one shot so far...but then it changed.

I heard Rachel yell from the top of the steps,

_"Never have I ever fucked Santana Lopez!"_ I whipped around and gave her both middle fingers.

_"Really Rachel! I thought we were cool?"_

_"That's for not knocking earlier!"_

_"Wait for me!"_

Quinn came hopping down the stairs behind her girlfriend with a huge smile on her face.

I had been perched on Ian's lap on the loveseat, Quinn plopped down next to us and Rachel handed her a shot glass.

_"Alright...I didn't admit to it last year but I'm into full disclosure these days,"_ Quinn said while winking at Rachel. Gross! _"Ok, so who fucked Santana? Show of hands...wow...she's been busy! Okay, ok, Ready on 3!"_

I sat there watching as half the room was throwing back shots including Quinn.

God...had I really been with that many people?

Marco was right...I was a whore.

I heard laughter from behind me and turned to watch as Ian threw back his shot and then quickly poured another before he growled out,

_"As the baby daddy, it's my turn! Never have I ever fucked Noah Puckerman!"_

_"Fuck! Ian? Come on! Here fill me up!"_ I groaned.

_"Me too baby daddy!"_ Quinn chuckled.

After we got through all the who fucked whom, I was at least seven shots in and was feeling close to blacking out.

_"Enough! I want to make this more interesting lets play spin the bottle!"_ Rachel yelled.

_"Oh God! Not that again!" _I said slapping my palm to my face.

* * *

><p>People were off doing her own thing, while a smaller group of us (mainly glee kids) played spin the bottle like fucking teenyboppers.<p>

Rachel spun first and landed on me and looked over at Q for permission.

_"You deserve it I fucked your wife."_

Everyone went silent and looked between us.

I had tried to keep that from being common knowledge but it was out there now.

People looked at me and I felt my face get hot.

_"Fuck you Quinn!"_ I said as I got up and pulled Rachel to her feet. _"Let's see what all the hype is about...shall we?"_

Everyone was hooting and hollering as I crashed my lips into Rachel's.

And immediately, I was shocked.

Rachel took over almost immediately and sucked my bottom lip into her mouth and nibbled on it.

She pulled her hips into mine and I couldn't stop myself from moaning.

_"That's enough San!"_ I heard Quinn say but when I tried to pull away Rachel cupped the back of my head and rubbed my neck and I turned to putty.

Did everyone know about my neck?

I continued to hear the catcalls and whistles and found myself hoping that no one took a picture but I'm sure they had...

Britt was going to kill me.

We finally came up for air and I put my hands to my lip, I could feel how swollen it was from her sucking it.

Now, I felt high as fuck and pretty turned on too.

I sat back down and leaned into Ian as we sat on the floor.

I looked over and could see that Quinn was glaring at me but I just stuck my tongue out at her and looked back up at Ian.

_"My turn!"_ I leaned down and spun the bottle and when it turned right back to where we were sitting, I knew my ass was grass when B came home.

_"Looks like fate to me."_ Q snickered.

_"Bitch!"_ I sneered at her.

_"And proud! Now kiss Papa bear over there!"_ she said winking.

I was already in his lap practically, so I just turned and waited for him to lean in.

The moment Ian pressed his lips to mine it reminded me of my first kiss with B where everything and everyone in the room disappeared.

We ended up with him reclined back while I was straddling him and then I was kissing him like there was no tomorrow.

* * *

><p><em>"Hey! Hey TT, that's enough! If you get knocked up again, your wife is going to kick your ass!"<em>

I raised my middle finger in NoNo's general direction and continued to suck at Ian's neck.

I was drunk and horny, I could feel my needy, weepiness coming on and I didn't want to cry over B.

As I reached my hands under Ian's shirt, I could suddenly feel myself being hoisted up in the air.

_"Put me down Noah!"_

_"I said that you needed to stop. You need to cool off!"_

When his words hit me, I realized where we were headed and kicked and screamed.

_"Oh God...no! Please! Noa-"_

Before I could breathe in and hold my breath, I was hurtling through the air into the deep end of the pool.

I sunk like a stone, the cesarean had cut across the muscles in my stomach and when I tried to swim, I had sharp pains shooting across my abdomen.

Not expecting the spasms, I gasped out in pain and ended up swallowing a ton of water.

I felt like I was dying as I choked and struggled to get to the surface and then everything was black and I was floating.

* * *

><p>My nose and throat were burning as I coughed up water and began to vomit.<p>

A soaking wet Ian was knelt over me with a look of panic on his face when I came to.

_"Hey Mami you okay?"_

_"Yea..." _I coughed out.

_"Good...no better way to clear a party then someone nearly dying...wow."_

_"Yea?"_

_"I'm glad that you're okay."_

_"Party's over?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Sucks!"_

_"Yea."_

_"You saved my life?"_

_"Kinda..."_

_"Remind me to buy you a car."_

_"Sure thing! You okay?"_

_"Help me up."_

_"Right sorry!"  
><em>

* * *

><p>When I was finally on my feet, I noticed that Quinn was cursing out Puck along with Rachel who had her hands on her hips and was getting in on the action.<p>

_"So are we all that's left?" _I croaked.

_"Yea."_

_"That sucks."_

_"At least you're still alive."_

_"True."_

_"You sure that you're okay?"_

_"Can you come upstairs with me?"_

_"I don't think that's a good idea."_

_"I don't care about that right now. I just feel light-headed and need to change and so do you."_

* * *

><p>Ian was stripped down to his trunks and a towel with a towel over his shoulders as he sat on the bed.<p>

I closed the door and then I stripped down to nothing.

He pretended not to watch me as I stood there naked right next to him searching through my bag for my shower stuff.

I didn't care enough to be shy at the moment and could feel a headache coming on.

I finally grabbed a towel out of my bag and then walked into the bathroom.

Feeling unsteady still, I turned back and caught his eyes practically glued to my ass.

I cleared my throat and smiled at him.

_"You coming, creeper?"_

_"To uh...shower?"_

_"Not exactly, can you just sit in here with me? I really don't want to be alone, tonight."_

I was feeling needy and usually this would be Q but with her all crippled and angry at Puck, I happily settled for Ian.

I hung up my towel in the rack and turned on the water and let it heat up.

I shut the door and locked it and then stood by the shower right in front of Ian, as I waited for the water.

* * *

><p><em>"Are you always this comfortable walking around naked?"<em>

_"Just around certain people."_

_"I feel honored then...is that um the scar?"_ he said pointing towards the hairline below my stomach.

_"Yea...that's it."_

_"Does it still hurt?"_

_"Only when I try to swim apparently."_ I chuckled. He looked fascinated. _"You can touch it if you want."_

He looked up at me to see if I was fucking with him but then I grabbed his hand and put his fingers against the scar.

There was just something about Ian that made me feel safe...made me feel loved.

I wanted Britt so badly to be the one touching me, to be the one fascinated with me.

I knew that I was toying with his emotions and pushing past a barrier but I just needed the love.


	55. Chapter 55:Falling Apart

**Chapter 55: Falling Apart (All American Rejects)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>I knew that I was toying with his emotions and pushing past a barrier but I just needed the love.<em>**

* * *

><p>I felt myself shiver as he ran his hand over the scar, I leaned into his touch as he acknowledged the pain that I had gone through to bring his son into the world.<p>

_"Thank you."_ he said while still rubbing his hand ever so lightly back and forth.

I felt the heat of him and I shuddered.

_"F-for wh-what?"_ I stuttered out.

_"For Isaac. This...staying sober. Everything that you have been to me in this short time, you could have been a total bitch to me but you have allowed me into your life even when it has caused friction in your marriage, just so that I can know my son."_

_"God."_

He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the scar.

I stood there feeling so many conflicting emotions knowing that in everything that I have done and have been through in the past year, never have I wanted to be with anyone else, not once I was officially with Britt, until now.

Now things were different.

I felt like I was being pulled apart at the seams.

And this fucking moment right now was so perfect that I wanted to do whatever I could to make it last forever.

* * *

><p>As I felt his lips pressed against such an intimate place, I turned my mind off and before long found my hands pressed against the back of his head holding his lips there.<p>

All that I had was this moment and before now just didn't exist.

It seemed like until that moment he had been dealing with conflicting emotions as well but feeling my hands against him made him relax.

He knew that I loved Brittany, he knew that I was more committed to my relationship with her than to anything else in this world other than Isaac.

He and I would never end up together and I think we were both settled on that fact but when he felt me respond to his touch by encouraging it to continue, he turned his mind off too.

A groan left my lips when I felt him give in.

When I felt his hands grazing up my legs, I heard myself sigh and immediately felt ashamed.

He then leaned in more and kissed the purple finger print shaped bruises on each of my hips.

I hadn't even noticed them until he was working to kiss the pain and shame of being used by my own wife, away.

My wife.

Brittany.

All of a sudden I was attempting to stop myself even as I leaned into his touch.

* * *

><p><em>"I-Ian...we should stop."<em>

_"We should but I don't want to and I don't think you do either."_ he said as he kissed my scar again.

Our eyes met and I could feel every crazy thought in my head stop.

That was a first.

_"Fuck..."_ I muttered as his hands gripped my ass. _"Don't stop...just love me right now."_

Ian didn't move his hands as he stood up and pulled me closer to him.

Standing in his arms felt so right, even though I knew that it was so wrong.

I could feel how hard he was as he leaned into me and I should have run for the hills right then but it wasn't about him being a guy, me being gay or my being married right now.

I ran my hands up his chest and pushed the towel off his shoulders and then leaned against his skin.

As I rested my head on Ian's chest, I thought of Isaac and when he was first born.

The nurses insisted on that skin to skin contact, so that he could heal faster and feel love.

What I didn't realize until this moment, was that it wasn't just Isaac that needed that kind of comfort and love...he wasn't the only one that could heal this way.

I was starting to think that I could to.

* * *

><p><em>"Tell me now to stop, Santana because once I step in that shower with you it's on and I don't think that either one of us is going to be able to stop."<em> he whispered.

I looked up at the father of my son and could hear Quinn warning me but then I remembered Britt as she fucked me brutally and then left me there like a piece of trash.

My mind went back to every bad thing that had happened to me and I knew that I couldn't stop.

Right now was just about me and Ian both needing and wanting to be loved not fucked.

I was his first and from what he tells me his only, so I wasn't the only one that had been used and fucked.

This was kind of my redemption...letting him have me...willingly.

I was hoping that we could both heal, we just had to not think about what was outside this room and just be...we had to let love in.

_"J-just t-take it slow, okay?"_ I said as I turned away from him and climbed under the steamy water.

This would be it, after this, me and B would be even and we could get serious and focus on fixing this marriage.

We could start cutting the bullshit out and really start to love each other again.

The irony of me about to fuck a guy and Britt off to be with another girl, when she was the bisexual, didn't escape my mind for a second, we were each trying to cope the best way we knew how.

Two married teenagers, still finding our way.

I looked up at Ian as he climbed in the shower and closed the curtain and suddenly I felt insanely shy.

He brushed my hair from my face and then leaned down and kissed my lips.

His kisses weren't sugar sweet like Britt's or rough like Marco's, instead they just evoked comfort...just what I needed.

My sobering mind was screaming at me to stop this before I broke my marriage vows but I couldn't...I had to do this so that I could see for myself if there was anything there and I needed to be reminded what it was that I loved in my wife that I hadn't been able to find anywhere else.

* * *

><p>Our kisses were slow and tender, as I stood wrapped in his arms feeling the comfort that I had been seeking for so long.<p>

After a few moments the kisses while tender became more urgent and so he picked me up.

I hissed as he wrapped my legs around his waist, effectively pinning me against the wall while still allowing me a little space between us, so that I didn't freak out.

Once I was situated with my ankles locked behind his back, I looked up at him and smiled while caressing his face with my finger tips.

_"I can't believe we are really doing this, again."_ I whispered.

_"Are you okay? Do you want to stop?"_ he had his hands clasping my ass, was totally naked and pressed against me but still stopped to check on me.

No guy had ever done that...no guy was this open and caring.

Even with Noah, there was always some emotional barrier between us, stopping us from getting to this point.

Ian would be an amazing husband to some lucky girl some day.

I looked in those amazing eyes and I shook my head.

_"Please, Ian? Just...please?"_

I leaned into him, pulling him closer with my legs and kissed his lips.

He nodded and then readjusted himself and slowly slid home.

I was still sore from earlier but he was patient with me.

After we were flush against each other and I stopped clenching my eyes tightly shut and looked up at him, he smiled.

My lips curved up and then, feeling a moment of guilt, I rested my head against his chest.

He had stopped and was waiting me out to see if I would ask him to stop but I didn't.

* * *

><p><em>"Move."<em> I whispered.

I raised my head up and saw that he was trying to look me in my eyes.

He was searching them for uncertainty.

But he wouldn't find it.

When he was sure that I was looking back at him he began to move.

_"Don't look away."_ He groaned.

I nodded and stayed in the moment with him.

He wanted me willing and present.

We maintained eye contact the whole time and never released the tight grip that we had on each other.

Ian was gentle and attentive to me the whole time, which I had been craving more than anything.

He ended up resting his forehead against mine as we came together.

For a few minutes afterwards, I held him inside me, not wanting him to move just yet.

I just needed that wholeness, to not feel used and thrown away for a few moments longer.

And he got that.

I needed to feel that he loved me in some way and he didn't disappoint.

He smiled at me and gripped me tighter.

I began to cry tears of sadness, joy, anger, and love and he held me there, as I cried into his chest for the second time that day.

* * *

><p><em>"Oh Mami, honey, it's going to be alright sweetheart, she still loves you, I just think that she is not looking at things from your side, we all have selfish moments. She's a bit lost right now but she still loves you."<em>

I was astounded by this man, here he was still buried inside me, still pinning me to the wall but was comforting me about my wife.

_"We can't do this again...you know that right?"_ I mumbled into his chest after I got the tears to stop.

He laughed and nodded in agreement.

_"Yes, I wouldn't give in, even if you wanted to. I feel like we just healed some bleeding wound."_

_"Yea, me too. Thank you Ian."_

_"Thank you, Santana...now let's just hope you don't get pregnant...again."_

I paused.

Fuck.

How could I forget?

_"Fuck! Are you kidding me?"_ I couldn't help but laugh,_ "I guess we are just going to have to see what happens."_ I whispered.

* * *

><p>With everything that happened and was about to happen in my marriage, I still didn't think having another baby was the worst thing that could happen to me at the moment.<p>

The spell was broken and now we were back to being Santana and Ian.

A married lesbian and a quirky football player.

_"We should get out."_ Ian said as he watched me daze off.

I nodded as I let my feet drop.

He held me there and then leaned in and kissed my lips softly.

_"I still need to shower." _I whispered.

_"Me too...remember, I jumped in that pool too. So I should take one now ,I guess, since I'm already in here."_ he pulled out of me and rested me back on my feet. I smiled and stood under the water, we were okay. I had my back to him when he patted my ass, _"Hey sweet cheeks, pass the soap."_

Yep...we were definitely okay.

* * *

><p>I let Ian get out of the shower before me and then just stood there allowing all the crap to just roll from my shoulders.<p>

My spirit felt renewed.

I felt strengthened.

A bit later when the water had started to get cold, Ian ducked his head in the shower and whistled at me,

_"__I'm going to head home with Puck. You might want to hurry up by the way. Your two friends were sitting on the bed when I came out and they looked pretty pissed off."_

_"Come here a sec."_ he leaned in and I plopped a big sloppy wet kiss on his lips. _"Go see Isaac and give him that for me okay? His goodnight kiss!"_

Ian nodded at me and then left.

I finally stepped out of the shower once he left, feeling like a void in my soul had been filled, like I could deal with the tough shit again.

Like I could take control back in my relationship.

Feeling relieved that I didn't have an awkward after sex moment with Ian, I took my time drying myself.

Things outside the room could wait.

I wanted to enjoy my serenity a few minutes longer, so I took my time brushing out my hair and even began to hum to myself.

My smile wouldn't disappear and my skin was glowing.

Happiness filled me.

I expected yelling and screaming when I stepped out into the guest room.

What I didn't expect was to see my wife with huge tears in her ocean blue eyes, looking like a wounded puppy.

How long had she been there?

* * *

><p><em>"Hey."<em> she said quietly.

_"Hi Britt Britt...I thought that you left."_

_"I got to the airport and was in the terminal when Frankie called and told me that she was on her way to the beach for the weekend so I turned back."_

_"How long were you here?"_

_"I got here sometime around the scar show and tell...I sat here through all of it. I couldn't bear to see him when I knew that he was coming out so I sat in Quinn's room to calm down until he left...then came back in here to wait for you."_

_"Oh."_

_"Yea. So what now?" _She mumbled.

_"I think that I'm going to stay here for the weekend still. I think that you and I need a breather."_

_"So another break, then?"_

_"No. I just need a few nights to clear my head."_

_"Are you planning to fuck him again?" _

The anger in her voice was suddenly back.

_"No. That was a one time thing, B."_

_"Are you going to make out with Rachel again...the video that Olivia sent seemed pretty intense." _

And there was the jealousy.

_"You see, Britt, this is why I need space...your jealousy is just too fucking much. I don't know who you are anymore, Brittany. You know, I was willing to take this whole phase that you are going through...I had been taking it all in stride but then you denied me access to Isaac. You really fucked up. You crossed a line."_

_"I'm sorry Ana."_ She looked sad again.

I just stood there and shook my head.

_"You're not sorry."_

She came towards me, opened her arms and I flinched away.

She hesitated and looked at me sideways.

_"Are you afraid of me?"_

_"No." _I whispered, trying to disguise my feelings.

_"Yes, you are...I didn't mean for it to get this bad, just so you know."_

_"But it has."_ I said as I peeled off my towel and showed her the bruise that was breaking on my arm and the deep purple ones that were on my upper legs and hips. _"And it gets worse each time."_

_"I'm so sorry." _She whispered.

_"Can you just go now...please? I need space."_

_"Okay."_

She nodded and walked away, leaving the room and shutting the door.

I didn't watch her leave even for a second.

Right now, I didn't want to turn to see her go or I knew that I would break.

I didn't want her to see me be weak anymore, not at all...I didn't want to cry anymore.

My happiness was gone, replaced by tears.

I was so fucking tired of the tears.

And then I was throwing up my walls again, I had left them down way too long.

Britt was going to have to find her way back to my heart.

* * *

><p>Later that night, I found myself craving a release and knew that I didn't have to go far to get what I needed.<p>

I knew that I wanted the drugs.

I knew that I wanted to erase the emotions that were rolling around inside of me but I had been clean for almost a month.

And really, I wanted to stay that way more than anything.

**_You awake?-S_**

**_If u need me 2 b-Q_**

**_Is Rachel here?-S_**

**_Yes but u can come lay w/ us...it's not a good sleepover if ur over there by yourself...come on-Q_**

I put on some shorts and put my hair up.

I figured that I would stay with them for a little until the cravings passed.

Feeling like I needed to cut myself off, I left my phone charging not wanting to deal with any nonsense from B.

* * *

><p>Rachel and Quinn lay spooning watching a movie, looking insanely cute.<p>

I felt bad intruding.

Any other time, I would have just turned back around but these were my friends and I needed them more than anything at the moment.

They knew that.

Q saw the emotions playing all over my face and lifted up her arm.

I crawled onto the bed and backed up against her.

We laid together watching some stupid movie in silence for a few minutes.

Quinn had her arm thrown over me while Rachel had reached over and rubbed at my side.

I found that love was coming from everywhere today...everywhere except from Brittany.

Just before I drifted off I could feel the craving itch under my skin.

My body was shaking.

Just a little coke would go a long way.

But I couldn't.

* * *

><p><em>"Q?"<em>

_"Hmmm?"_

_"Hold me tighter...please...I can't leave this room right now?"_

_"Where are the drugs?" _She asked lazily.

_"Where else...in my car." _

_"When did you get more?"_

_"Britt never got rid of them after I gave them to her. She got so mad at me one night that she threw them at me and I held onto them."_

_"All of it?"_

_"Yea. I been testing myself, you know to see if I could resist."_

_"That was a dangerous thing to do, San."_

_"I know. I came over here because I know that and now I want it so badly."_

_"You can't go back to drugs, San, you have been so good."_ Quinn hugged me closer and kissed my head. _"I love you most when you are sober."_

_"Which spot are they in?"_ Rachel asked as she rolled out of the bed and she slipped into her shoes.

_"Uh...the console and the ashtray. There are four."_

_"Britt told us that there were five."_ Rachel said raising an eyebrow. _"I thought we were past the lies?"_

She had her hands on her hips and I couldn't help but smile as the tv illuminated her silhouette.

_"One last hoorah...the fifth one is in my duffel bag in the guest room."_

_"You brought that shit into my house? Santana...why?"_

_"Don't know, I wasn't thinking straight earlier. I'm sorry."_

_"Thank you for the honesty. I will take care of it. Quinn keep her here until I get back." _Rachel said without looking back.

I turned onto my stomach and turned my face towards Quinn's.

She looked into my eyes and let out a sweet smile. _"_

_Stop thinking so hard sweetie. Get some sleep and we will figure it out in the morning."_ she rubbed my hair out of my face and then leaned in and kissed my nose.

_"Thanks for everything Lucy Q_" I rubbed my nose against hers just like we have done since we were kids and then kissed her forehead. _"I love you...so very much!"_

_"I love you too, Sanny Poo!"  
><em>

I stared into Quinn's eyes until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

I fell asleep in her arms feeling like everything was going to work out.

* * *

><p>When I woke up early Saturday morning with a bad shake and itching even worse, I couldn't hold the feelings in any longer.<p>

The sun was barely in the sky but that didn't matter.

I went back to the guest room and got dressed as quietly as possible.

Cravings were taking over and I was moving on autopilot again.

I looked down at my phone and threw it in my pocket at the last second.

Still feeling way too much, I pulled out onto the highway and headed west.

I drove for a while before I turned on the country station and took a few back roads.

Finally, I turned into the woods, driving down a path that I hadn't been down in years, not since my dad brought me to see the stars as a kid.

I pulled the car down another path and then parked.

Although I had come out here for peace, I knew that I should be aware of what was going on back home, especially with Isaac still in the hospital.

I picked up my phone which had been vibrating during the drive.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Where r u?-Q<em>**

**_San don't do it...please?-Q_**

**_You didn't tell me where everything was, did you? :(-Rachel_**

**_I called B if u don't text back we r going 2 go out looking 4 u-Q_**

**_Mami...come home-Ian_**

**_I can't believe I married a junkie...I want my Ana back :(-B_**

After seeing that last text from my wife I turned the phone on silent and tossed it to the bottom of my purse.

Fuck her.

I took a deep breath, finally settling on what I was going to do and then pulled up the steering wheel.

My last bag in the entire world...my emergency bag.

I had so much to work on but this addiction was priority number one after today.

This was it...I wouldn't do it anymore.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Alright my faves...this chica is headed to bed. I am spent after spending the day feeding your addiction. Much love. Thank you for the reviews! I appreciate each and every one!**

**-A**


	56. Chapter 56:I Try

**Chapter 56: I Try (Macy Gray)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>This was it...I wouldn't do it anymore.<em>**

* * *

><p>My hands were steady as I poured out the pure white powder onto the console.<p>

Why was it so beautiful to me?

I grabbed my credit card and divided the lines out.

Four lines...that was what I saw as my last hurrah.

I tried to ignore the rolling in my gut that was telling me to stop.

No amount of hesitation could sway me, I needed this...at least...I thought I did.

No more thinking!

I rolled up a loose dollar bill that was in my purse and told my conscience to go fuck itself.

Doing everything to clear my mind, I leaned in closer to the console and then closed off my right nostril.

I was really doing this.

A few weeks after I denounced cocaine, I was breaking a self-imposed sobriety that I had been so proud of.

Just stop thinking, Lopez.

I closed my eyes for a second and then I felt my mind go clear and as I lined up the rolled up bill with the first line, all my stress was gone.

And then finally, I was ready.

I was really doing this...screw the consequences.

* * *

><p>When I pulled it in all in with one deep breath, the rush was immediate.<p>

And so was the sting.

It was like brain freeze but it wasn't cold...it burned and then it was numb.

Not so bad, I was still okay, so the next time, I didn't hesitate as I leaned in and sucked in two more lines with ease.

My head was now buzzing, my heart was racing and my body was trembling with all of this extra energy.

And even though I felt like I could run a marathon, I would force myself to nap after this just to burn through it a little faster.

I knew how horny I got when I was high and I didn't want to do anything else that was as stupid as cheating on my wife just satisfy an inkling.

_"Mmm."_ I moaned.

My mind went blank and I suddenly thought of my son.

Tears burned my eyes and I blocked off my thoughts of him.

I sucked in the last line quicker than the ones before it wanting to get this over with.

There was stray residue covering the black leather of the console, so I took out my credit card and lined everything up and got almost half a line.

I felt a great sense of achievement at not having wasted any.

I didn't even bother with the dollar bill this time around, I just pressed my nose down and sniffed it up.

_"Ahhh...fuck."_ I said as the pulsing in my veins increased.

There was a dribble on my lips and I knew that a nose bleed was coming.

So, I sat there for a moment and kept my head back as I enjoyed the popping behind my eyes.

I was definitely high and I was definitely not having a bad trip.

Thank God.

* * *

><p>After I was sure that the bleeding had stopped, I wiped the blood away.<p>

I opened my glove box and pulled out a baby wipe and cleaned off the console and then any traces of blood.

Although, I have been using this car as my coke den, I still wanted to keep my car in pristine condition.

Go figure!

I also wanted to keep my record clean, so I wiped my finger prints from the baggie before dropping it out my window.

My head had been moving too much and so I should have been surprised when I felt the dribble again.

I felt my nose tingling as it began to bleed a little, so I blew my nose trying to fight off any massive blood loss.

I hated to bleed...especially from my nose, it always freaked me out.

But it always happened.

I felt my eyes itching and so reached into my purse for my eye drops and knocked the rusty feeling away immediately.

After finishing my routine, I crawled back to the backseat and took a nice nap with the top down.

I know it seems insane to do this out in the open but I felt invincible.

* * *

><p>When I woke up again, the sun was blazing...I hadn't kicked my high yet even though I knew for a fact that some time had passed.<p>

When I looked at my watch, I saw that it had only been two hours since I left Quinn's house.

Usually my high lasted no more than an hour, so I definitely knew that the end of my high was coming soon.

It wasn't long, of course, before I found myself searching the car for more.

I was searching in every crevice of my car, looking for anything that I may have missed and just when I was going to give up, I found a velvet bag in my glove box...seriously?

How was that even possible?

I found myself wondering if there was an expiration date on cocaine.

Then I was wondering how did we all possibly miss this bag?

Britt had searched this car, I had searched this car before and once Ian had even looked through it.

So how?

But why question it?

I closed the glove box and then I opened up the bag.

Seeing more drugs made my heart race.

I could tell that this had definitely been left here by Marco because all that was in there was a little under half a bag of coke.

Which was totally enough.

I freaked a little with excitement or anxiousness, I'm not certain which, I just know that I jumped up and down for a few seconds before turning my mind on.

Okay...this was it enough to buzz but not crash on my way home.

This was it...seriously!

I couldn't contain my excitement and then I caught my reflection in the review mirror.

Dilated pupils, sweaty forehead and ashy lips.

Addict.

* * *

><p><em>"Britt's right, I am turning into a fucking junkie. Alright Mr. Blow...you are it for me, after this, I am going to have to say goodbye."<em>

I saluted the little baggie and then giggled like a school girl about my silliness.

I couldn't believe the good mood that I found myself in.

Just ride, Lopez.

For old times sake, I poured my two lines onto the dashboard and then put my nose right down onto the dash.

My head was immediately clear and everything was suddenly vibrant and bright to me.

Shit!

Marco's stuff seemed so much purer than the Lima blow that I had been using the last little while.

This was the stuff that came from someone I hated.

Someone who had tried to break me.

And I was thanking God that there was no more.

Because I wouldn't be able to kick this...not without help.

I began my routine one last time and used a baby wipe to clean the dash, the bag, and my nose.

My heart was racing and the world seemed rainbow tinted...yup definitely still a lesbian!

I laughed to myself.

Feeling better than I had in a very long time, I turned on the car, finally ready to face my family and friends.

I buckled up...can never be too safe and then cut the music up.

* * *

><p>I pulled back from the path and headed back down the highway towards Lima.<p>

The open road felt great, I just wanted to get home to my love and make things right.

I suddenly started humming that song that Rachel sang last year...Get it right...la la la.

That's what I wanted to do.

Get shit right for once.

When I was just outside town, I noticed that my tank was low, so I pulled into a gas station to fill up and grab a pack of cigarettes.

At some point on my way back to the pump, it dawned on me that I should call someone and let them know where I am because I had probably freaked some people out.

Gosh, I'm so generous and considerate!

I leaned into the car and grabbed my phone and scrolled past all the missed calls and messages looking for the easiest person to call.

Whoever I called needed to be someone close enough to know me but not close enough to lecture me.

After scrolling for a few seconds, I figured it out.

I settled on Aretha because she was harmless and generally was just as selfish as I was.

I closed my tank gas tank and then climbed back into my car clutching my phone.

Suddenly feeling thirsty, I downed a bottle of water that I didn't even realize that I had grabbed and then lit a cigarette.

Britt doesn't like cigarettes so this had been my first one in quite a while and I took a nice long drag holding the smoke in for a moment before letting out rings of smoke.

My body relaxed and I allowed the peace of my lingering high to soak through my bones.

Before I pulled off, I linked my car to my phone and then pulled back onto the road.

Between the cigarette and my light buzz, there was nothing stopping my happiness and I was really enjoying it.

Why hadn't I been happy before this?

Right...my wife hates me!

* * *

><p>Feeling sad for a split second, I took a deep breath, pushed the call button on my steering wheel and waited for the Bluetooth to connect.<p>

I had picked out this particular robot lady because she was giggly like Britt Britt, which right now was making me miss her even more!

Get it right, Lopez.

_"Hello Santana! Bluetooth connected, who would you like to call?"_

I freaking loved this automatic Bluetooth in my car.

Suddenly, I didn't feel so alone.

I had to use it more often, especially when I missed my wife or when we were arguing.

_"Call Weezy."_

_"Calling...Weezy"_

The phone rang a few times before Mercedes answered out of breath must have been running to the phone.

Who knew that she even ran?!

_"Hello?"_

_"Weezy? It's Santana...if anyone calls you, tell them that you heard from me and that I'm fine."_

_"Wait, where are you?"_

_"On my way to magick!"_ I said happily before hanging up.

I felt the heat of the sun baking me in my all black on black car, so I pulled to the side of the road and dropped the top down.

_"Amazing...I love you Papi for this fucking awesome car!"_

I lit another cigarette and pulled back on the road...I was feeling fucking marvelous.

_"Lima here I come!"_

* * *

><p>I had been dancing in my seat with Miranda Lambert.<p>

Right then, I felt just like the girl in the song, knowing that I was prettier than the rest of the twigs on the Cheerios.

I was singing along when my stereo stopped and the phone started ringing.

_"Ugh...Rude!"_ I said to the car, lightly slapping the steering wheel.

_"Phone call from Ian."_

I hit the answer button, okay fine I would talk to baby daddy.

_"Hey, Papa Bear."_

_"Hey! Thank God! Are you okay?"_

_"Yep. What's up?"_

_"What's up? Uh...I was worried about you...you just dropped off the map for like twelve hours...did you...ugh...did you get high?"_ he sighed in distress and it made me worry for the first time all day.

I didn't answer his question though.

"_I'm sorry that I worried you. I just needed to clear my head. I'm pulling into Lima now. I'll see you later okay."_

_"When?"_

_"I'll call you."_

_"Promise me that you will call me, Please?!"_

_"I will call you honey okay? Relax. Did you see Isaac today?"_

_"Yes. He's ready to come home some time this week."_

_"No shit! Really?"_

I had definitely decided to quit drugs at the right time!

_"Yea."_

_"When did you find this out?"_

_"Just this morning. Brittany called me, since she couldn't get in touch with you, she thought maybe you were with me."_

_"Of course she did. Britt's silly."_

_"You sure that you're okay?"_

_"I'm so fucking happy right now, Ian!"_

_"Yea, me too."_

_"I'll call you, got to go, bye!"_

* * *

><p>I have been driving the streets of Lima since I was fourteen, sneaking out at night stealing my dad's cars and picking up Quinn and later on Britt.<p>

I took joy rides whenever I could and had never been found out until that time I crashed into the courthouse drunk on my fifteenth birthday.

So much had happened in my life since then and now here I was again driving as fast as I could down the streets feeling high and mighty.

My music stopped again because of the phone was ringing again.

_"Shit...I can't get through a song!"_

_"Phone call from B."_

I pushed the accept button, as I flew past McKinley in a blur.

_"What do you think that you're doing, Santana?!"_

_"Driving."_

_"I know that…you nearly just hit me!"_

_"What? I didn't see you! Where are you?"_

_"I was about to cross the street to the apartment."_

I pulled over and then backed up down the street, tires squealing as I sped backwards towards my apartment building and sure enough there stood B on the sidewalk looking panic stricken.

_"Sorry!"_

_"Park the car and come inside."_

_"I can't, I was headed to the tree house."_

_"Can you just come inside for a bit...please?"_

_"No...not right now, B."_

_"Why not?"_

_"I don't want you to hurt me."_

_"I'm done with that…just please park the car and come upstairs before someone calls the cops."_

_"Fine!"_

* * *

><p>I whipped the car around and pulled into my usual parking space beside her truck.<p>

Britt finally felt safe enough to cross the street and come up the path towards the building, after she knew that I was parked and the car was off.

My high was gone.

But my good mood remained...for now.

I put the top up grabbed my purse and got out.

I hit the alarm on the car and then met her at the bottom of the steps.

We stood there looking at each other for a moment, trying to feel each other out.

What the hell, why not...I'm supposed to be fixing shit.

I held my pinky out and she smiled as she linked hers with mine, happy that I wasn't banishing her anymore.

* * *

><p>We held onto each other all the way up the stairs, down the hall, and to the door of our apartment.<p>

Once we were inside, I could smell fresh paint.

_"What were you doing in here?"_

_"Getting Izzy's room ready."_

_"Without me?"_

_"You have kind of been missing since this morning…I needed to keep myself busy until you turned up."_

I nodded my head and allowed her to pull me towards the second bedroom.

She had been busy.

The walls were swirls of red and blue.

_"Columbia and Julliard…I wanted both of our colors to be in here."_

_"It's beautiful, B."_

_"Go in and check out the stuff that I got for him…Quinn helped."_

There was a beautiful oak crib and a matching glider that sat beside it.

_"When did you buy all this?"_

_"Just this morning…everyone was in a panic and I sent you that horrible text…sorry about that. I couldn't cry anymore so I just started painting. I called Ian and we talked…he told me how much he was sorry for overstepping and that he would back off a bit and then he offered to come help me with the room, and so he did."_

_"Really? You and Ian? Did all of this...together?"_

_"Yea."_

_"I can't believe that you did all of this today! You are so amazing B."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Wow." _I said as I stepped back into the kitchen.

The combination of the drying paint and the drugs in my system, making my head hurt and my nose tingle.

I was headed for a hangover...great!

Make the best of it Lopez...be in the moment.

Smile.

And so I did, I turned towards Britt and I smiled.

She looked nervous.

_"Now that you have seen what I have been doing since you disappeared, why don't we sit down and talk about what you have been doing."_

* * *

><p>I paused and looked at her in shock.<p>

How did she know?

_"Right now?"_

_"Is your high gone?"_

_"Well yea…it is."_

_"Then yes…right now. I can't go another day like this…living like this. We have got change this whole arrangement."_

_"Which one…as of right now we have several of them…Ian…Frankie…the abuse…which one, B?"_

Her lip quivered but her eyes were serious.

I had called her out and she looked like she was actually listening instead of getting violent.

Maybe she wanted to get things right, too.

* * *

><p><em>"All of it. We can order pizza and we can sit here and work through this stuff, so that by the time we go to pick up Isaac on Friday, we will be able to be the best parents ever."<em>

_"Okay, B."_

_"Good. So I talked to Rachel and she gave me some ideas on how we could get through talking."_

_"Oh great!" _

_"Hey, no sarcasm, you love Rachel. Let's see how well her ideas work with us because honestly I'm all out of ideas Ana."_

_"Me too…I thought last night…ugh."_

_"Yea…ugh is right." _

She winked as she picked up her phone and started texting.

_"What are you doing, B?"_

_"Letting people know that you aren't dead somewhere and that I am taking care of this."_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: You have so many questions and they are all great ones. So please know that Brittana is endgame...I promise! Also I can't just rush to happy happy joy joy...I'm trying to be realistic here and happy doesn't happen over night. There is good stuff in store for our two some...especially in the next couple of chapters. I appreciate every review even the ones that make me question my motives. I hope you continue to read and review. More soon to come.**

**-A**


	57. Chapter 57:Start Over

**Chapter 57: Start Over (Beyoncé)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>"Letting people know that you aren't dead somewhere and that I am taking care of this."<em>**

* * *

><p><em>"I'm not a problem to be taken care of, B."<em>

_"I don't want to argue…it doesn't fix anything, It hasn't ever fixed anything."_

_"Okay…I'm sorry. What do you want on your pizza so I can order?"_

_"Get a Hawaiian, a Pepperoni and green pepper with bacon and a caesar salad."_

She winked as she picked up her phone and started texting again.

_"Who is going to eat all of this food?"_

_"Rachel, Quinn, Noah, and Ian are all coming over to help us talk through this."_

_"What?"_ I said, standing stock still waiting for an explanation.

Britt put her phone down and then came over to me, running her hands up and down my arms.

It was one of the first times that she had touched me gently in quite a while.

It felt nice.

Strange...but nice.

_"Ana, there comes a time when we have to face our weaknesses and in our relationship, we talk to everyone else about our problems but each other, so Rachel thought that if we got everyone together we could talk about the things that have been making us fail in this relationship, that it would be easier to just be honest with each other."_

_"Do you think that it will work?"_

_"I hope so…I don't know where we went wrong but I want us to get back to how amazing we were. Don't you? Aren't you willing to try anything?"_

_"Yes, if it means living out my dreams then yes."_

_"Okay…so order that pizza and I will finish letting people know that you're here."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

><p>When you are sitting in a room full of people who you have either slept with or made out with and they are all trying to help you…it has to be one of the craziest experiences, ever.<p>

I sat on the couch, sober and willing to try to let Rachel be the ringleader in my home and in my relationship for this one night.

I have always despised the part of Rachel that just knows what to do in every situation…for some people things are just easy like Britt and her dancing but for me though, life has always been an agonizing production.

We all sat in the living room chowing down on our food having meaningless chit-chat when Rachel stood up and moved to the other side of the room so we could all see her properly.

_"First I want to thank everyone for giving up a piece of their Saturday night to be here. We all love Santana and Brittany, which is why I wanted us to help them get this right. So enjoy your pizza and drinks. I am going to pass around 3x5 cards, I want you to be serious and write down questions for the two of them to answer. Each of us has been a listening ear for the two of them and so I am sure that there are things that we know that both of them should be aware of about each other. After you are done we are going to sit the ladies in the kitchen facing each other while one of us reads a question out loud. Santana…Brittany this is a night of full disclosure so let's set our bitterness aside and be totally honest. Does everyone understand?"_

Everyone nodded and set up in different areas of the living room and began furiously writing out questions.

I looked over at Rachel and smiled at her.

I thought that her plan was brilliant and thought that maybe my family should have done this growing up, so that I could have heard my father's reasoning behind things.

_"Hey Rach…how do you know about this?" _I asked as I bit into a one of the lemon cookies that she had brought.

_"My dads went to a marriage counselor and this was an activity that they were given. They still do it. They will write down their questions and then have their therapist read them aloud…then they have to be honest and answer to each other. It works so well that I have been doing it with Quinn and it helps us, right baby love?"_

_"She's right San…sometimes in the heat of the moment you may want to know something and instead of asking it as just a question we yell and scream about it…that method doesn't work so well does it?"_

_"I guess not."_ I said as I held onto B's hand in my lap and played with her fingers.

* * *

><p>When everyone was done with their note cards, Rachel pulled two chairs from the table and sat them facing each other in the kitchen.<p>

_"Okay ladies…please be seated. Here are the rules…you are only allowed to answer the question asked and you are not allowed to ask any questions of your own until the end. No yelling, no eye rolling Santana, no touching what so ever, and please maintain eye contact until this is through. Got it?"_

We both nodded and then sat in our chairs.

Britt had that killer smile on and I just wanted to try not saying anything that would hurt her but that would defeat the purpose I guess.

I was afraid of the questions but I was more scared to lose the one that I loved.

_"Okay, lets start with Noah since he has to leave early."_

I sat up took a deep breath and looked straight into Britt's eyes while twirling my wedding band around and around on my finger.

B sat with her bottom lip between her teeth and her hands crushed beneath her.

_"Santana, what about Brittany scares you the most."_

_"When she goes into a violent rage and lashes out at me."_

_"What are you afraid of in your relationship the most?"_

_"That one day Britt will figure out how much of a big phony I am and leave me just like everyone else does."_

_"How many people have ever given you an orgasm and who?"_

_"Two people. Brittany and Ian."_

_"What do you love more drugs or Brittany."_

_"Brittany, definitely."_

_"What do you want more than anything in the world?"_

_"To move to New York with Brittany and Isaac and live happily ever after."_

_"Why do you sleep around with guys?"_

_"Because guys don't care…they just want to get off and sometimes, I just need to not think about shit, stop processing and just feel…I can do that with guys."_

_"Are you sure that you're a lesbian?"_

_"Yes."_

_"How do you know?"_

_"Because I have only ever loved one person in the whole world enough to die for them and that's Brittany and she's a girl."_

_"Why was your dad always beating you?"_

_"He thought that I was a whore, a failure, a waste of his life and money."_

_"Has anyone else made you feel that way...like a whore...a waste of life?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Who?"_

_"Marco, half the guys on the football team, everyone I came into contact with in New York and lately Brittany."_

_"Do you think that you are any of those things?"_

_"I don't know...I have been trying not to be."_

_"Do you love yourself?"_

_"Sometimes."_

_"What was the job that you had when you were in New York last summer?" _

I had never told anyone but Puck the full story...but now it was going to be all out there.

_"I was an escort and a stripper but on the side...on the side guys paid me to sleep with them."_

_"How did that effect you?"_

_"It made me feel dirty and unworthy of love."_

_"Are you afraid of love?"_

_"Yes, because it always ends up hurting and leaving me."_

Britt looked at me with both of her lips tucked in her mouth and was shaking her head from side to side.

The way that she had been treating me had brought my mind back to that summer in more ways than one.

She had made me second guess who I was and my worth.

And I knew that wasn't what she wanted...but that's where I was.

Drugs were my outlet.

_"What were you doing the first time you tried blow?"_

_"I had just had a threesome with some guy and his wife. The guys wife didn't like the way I looked at her husband with such distaste and told me to take a hit of the blow because it would make me more desirable and more friendly. So I did and got paid almost two grand that night. After that Marco always made sure that I started the night that way and then I got hooked."_

_"Do you want to stop getting high?"_

_"I do."_

_"Okay...I'm done. I hope that you two really work though this and Britt, that girl loves you more than her own life, be easier on her. She's not as tough as she thinks that she is. Night guys."_

He kissed my forehead and then wiped my tears from my face before squeezing my shoulder.

_"Be easy, TT." _He said into my ear before standing up and nodding at Britt.

* * *

><p>Noah left shortly after and I continued to look towards my wife and could see the cold look in her eyes melting a little bit, as if she was seeing me for the first time.<p>

I felt the tears burning my eyes and those were the simple the questions, things that Britt should already know about me for the most part…it was Quinn's questions that I dreaded the most.

But knowing Rachel, she would save Quinn for last.

_"Alright, I will go next then you Ian and we will save Quinn for last."_

I smiled because it was just as I thought.

Rachel was the one that Britt confided in and so I was very interested in the questions that she would have.

She leaned over the counter and sorted the cards out before clearing her throat.

_"Brittany, tell us something that you have never told Santana."_

_"Just one thing…oh I'm sorry…um…like what?"_

_"How about the biggest thing?"_

_"Oh...I see the school counselor every day for an hour instead of class."_

I looked at her strangely, I had been memorizing her class schedule since we first met, just in case she had trouble remembering and I had never seen anything like that, I was definitely wondering what that was about.

_"Why do you see the counselor, Brittany?"_

_"I have bipolar disorder and I go through these angry moments that I have kept under control for years."_

_"How have you been controlling your anger?"_

_"Medication and therapy. I see a therapist outside of school and then school counselor."_

_"When was the last time that you were in therapy?"_

_"I don't remember."_

_"Lately you have been very angry, why?"_

_"When I married Santana I wanted to be smart like her and the medicine makes me spacey and forgetful so I stopped taking them and I stopped going to therapy."_

My jaw dropped.

How I had never known this about Brittany is a mystery.

The anger, the aggression wasn't because of me it was her…I could work with that…as long as she wasn't just an asshole like Marco…I could deal.

I smiled over at Britt who looked pale and nervous.

_"How many times have you cheated on Santana since you have been married?"_

_"Well that depends…um...Rachel I don't know how to answer that."_

_"The best you can Brittany…just take your time and be honest...since the day that you got married...how many times."_

My stomach dropped as I looked at Britt.

Her face was really pale as she looked at me.

_"Okay…uh...well the phone sex with Frankie went on for a while maybe for a month almost every day. Then there was once on our wedding day. I slept with Frankie and then went to the court-house and married Santana."_

Our wedding day?

I choked back a sob...how many lies...how many half-truths.

I took a deep breath and tried to smile at Britt through the tears in my eyes.

She looked at me sadly and apologetically.

_"How does it make you feel, Brittany?"_

_"Unworthy…I feel disgusted with myself for lying to her for so long and then making her feel bad about her relationship with Ian and Quinn. I feel responsible for her cheating on me last night."_

_"When was the last time that you took your medicine?"_

_"I took it today like you suggested and I feel better. Before today though, was probably the day that I moved into this apartment."_

_"What else have you not told Santana?"_

_"That I knew about the drugs after searching the car, I knew about the hidden compartments in the car because Marco told me. I kept track of how fast you went through them and I knew every time that you lied about it and I just let it happen."_

_"Why?"_

_"I guess her being high was helping to distract her from the things that I had done and lied about. Then I couldn't stop her anymore but I didn't realize how bad it was until the angel dust."  
><em>

_"What scares you the most?"_

_"Santana leaving me for Ian and taking Isaac away from me."_

_"What do you want more than anything in your relationship right now?"_

_"To start over."  
><em>

I wanted to reach out and hug her, I wanted to reassure her that there was nothing short of death that would keep me from her but I had to wait.

_"Thank you for answering my questions honestly, Britt. Ian, your up!"_

* * *

><p>Britt put her face in her shirt and cried hard and my heart was aching.<p>

I felt so raw right now but Britt had been holding so much in…so much that I never knew and I was seeing her for the first time as well.

My heart ached and I needed this to stop but it had to continue.

So much had gone unsaid.

_"Brittany."_ I paused a second because I didn't expect Ian to ask her anything but then I just waited. _"Why did you recently ask me to put off signing the papers."_

Britt looked up at me and mouthed a sorry before wiping her face.

She had spoken to him?

When?

_"Because I was afraid that my marriage was ending and that when I left for Europe...that Santana would leave me or die."_

I choked back a sob and shook my head.

_"Santana, Why did you have sex with me yesterday?"_

_"You are everything that I love about my wife and everything that I was afraid that she had lost. I just wanted to feel loved and not like trash. Like I was worth something."_

_"Do you want to marry me? Run off and have a big family with me?"_

_"No."_ I chuckled, _"I always and only want Brittany. I want to raise a family and do all the fun stuff that I never did as a kid with her."_

_"Do you love Isaac?"_

_"Yes…more than I ever could have imagined."_

_"Do you want me to take Brittany's place as his second parent?"_

_"No."_

_"What is your biggest turn off?"_

_"Pain. There is a difference between passion and pain. I don't like when someone intentionally hurts me in any way but especially physically."_

Britt looked away and then looked back at me with more tears in her eyes.

_"What do you miss about the old Brittany the most?"_

_"Her goofiness, the way that her laugh can make every problem, every ache, every pain just disappear."_

_"Do you want Brittany to go on that tour?"_

_"Sometimes, when the pain is too much, I would much rather she just go away and hurt someone else."_

_"When was the last time you got high?"_

_"This morning."_

_"How much?"_

_"Uh...four and half lines and then...half a baggie...um...a lot."_

Britt's eyes got wide and more tears came.

I felt like shit.

_"Are you ready to stop with the drugs?"_

_"Yes. I don't want to hurt anymore…I don't want that fake escape, I just want to be happy again."_

_"Will you agree to go to therapy?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do you promise to love and honor Brittany forever?"_

_"I do…I will always."_

_"If you could tell Isaac anything about Britt what would it be?"_

_"That if he ever needs anything…extra love…extra attention, an explanation on the history of candy that would rock his socks off, his Mama can give that to him better than me."_

Seeing Brittany smile through her tears made me just want to kick everyone out of the apartment so that we could really just talk this out.

We were almost ready to be completely open with each other.

Almost.

_"Thanks for answering. I'm going to cut out of here and leave you ladies to it."_

* * *

><p>I had so many emotions going on in my head and in my heart because I knew that the next part of the conversation was going to get really intense.<p>

Britt was shifting in her seat and I was running my hands over my face.

We were both crying and I had a feeling that it was only going to get more intense.

My head hurt and my stomach turned.

Quinn was up next and I was freaking inside.

What would she ask?

Was there anything left?

Quinn has been split down the middle with me and Britt for years, often times falling a little more onto my side but still I knew that Brittany confided in her more than anyone other than Rachel.

So far I had learned more than I ever thought possible about the woman in front of me but I had a feeling that Quinn knew much more than she ever admitted to and that worried me.


	58. Chapter 58:Stay

**Chapter 58: Stay (Tyrese)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>So far I had learned more than I ever thought possible about the woman in front of me but I had a feeling that Quinn knew much more than she ever admitted to and that worried me.<strong>_

* * *

><p>Britt and I just sat there in the kitchen staring at each other intensely…we each had so many questions and so many different answers that needed to be said but we still had to hold on…<p>

We still needed to wait because there had always been our third.

Ever since Sue deemed us the unholy trinity we have always had a very intimate relationship with each other and in many ways Quinn was the third person in our relationship and without her input tonight we would surely forget something.

We were broken out of our staring contest when Quinn did that annoying throat clearing thing that she does.

_"Alright girls, this has been an intense night and so before I get into this, I wanted to give each of you a chance to take a breather. So San go to Isaac's room and Britt go to your bedroom and write down whatever questions that you have and then I will come get you in five minutes."_

Thank God!

* * *

><p>When I stood up I fought the urge to hug Britt and it looked like she had the same reaction towards me.<p>

I had a stack of 3x5 cards and a pen in my hands as I went into Isaac's room and shut the door.

I sat down in the glider and looked at the hard work that my wife had put in to making the room look so fabulous.

There were so many things that I needed to know but when I went to write them down, I found that I already knew the answer to most of my questions so I ended only scribbling down one thing.

I spent the rest of my time walking around the room admiring the time and detail that Britt had put into everything…she loved Isaac, wholly and completely and it made a lot of the questions that I had about her loyalty to me just fade away.

If there was no Isaac, I don't think that we would be able to work through this so amicably.

It was her love for him that made me sure of the fact that in someway she had to not want to abandon me.

But how committed was I?

How much did I want to stay in this?

Was I willing to give up being so selfish?

There would surely still be mistakes and many mountains to climb...but was I willing?

Would she stay?

Would I?

* * *

><p>There was a knock on the door and then Q poked her head in.<p>

_"Hey, Q."_

_"Hey."_

_"Sorry about leaving without saying anything...you mad at me?"_

She shrugged and closed the door as she stepped into the room.

_"I get it...strangely...I get you and I knew on some level that you probably be gone when I woke up."_

_"And you didn't stop me?"_

_"There's no stopping you...I'm just glad that you came back."_

_"Me too." _

_"And I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you for keeping your temper tonight."_

_"I'm not upset, Q. I mean, I should be...but oddly...I'm not."_

_"No?"_

_"You know that I could never stay mad at her, even after everything. I'm just glad that I know things now, so that I can help her, the way she helps me."_

_"That's good to hear. Does that mean that you're ready?"_

_"Yes. Is she out there yet?"_

_"Yes…we are waiting for you."_

_"Okay. Let's do this."_

* * *

><p>Britt had taken her five minutes apparently and changed into her duck pajamas and it made me smile.<p>

I sat across from her and found that I couldn't stop smiling at her.

Even after hearing all of that, I just felt so filled with love.

I just wanted her to stay with me and work through all this.

I knew this was making me stronger and more loyal to her and I hoped that it was reciprocal.

_"Brittany, tell Santana about that night…the night that you and I slept together."_

_"That's not a question."_

_"Can you please tell Santana about that night?"_

_"Fine. We had been drinking a lot and Quinn was being jealous about you and me. I was angry about it and I just wanted to shut her up once and for all but then she told me how you two had slept together and how she was the your first. So I pushed her against the wall and I kissed her. I wanted to just shut her up. Then it got intense and the next thing I knew we were in bed together and I eventually just cried like a baby after it was over. _

_"Can you tell her about after the sex?"_

_"Quinn held me and comforted me. She admitted that when you two slept together that you were teenagers, it was a few months after you lost the baby and it was about comfort. She told me how she was kind of just stiff and unresponsive with you and that afterwards you two swore to forget that it happened. I got really upset that night and went off to her bathroom..." _

Britt shot Quinn a look but then Quinn just nodded and raised her eyebrow.

_"Tell her."_

My heart was racing as I watched Britt look down at her hands for a long moment before meeting my eyes again.

There were new tears.

_"I got so upset that I started swallowing a whole bunch of aspirin but then Quinn caught me and stuck her fingers down my throat until I threw up. After that, she took me to the hospital. I had only taken seven pills at that point, so there was no point in even taking me to the hospital but she wanted to make sure that I was okay. I know I messed up."_

_"B." _I whispered but she just put her finger to her lips and shook her head.

I nodded and rubbed my palms against my legs.

This had taken a dark turn and I was feeling so bad about it.

I wish that I had known.

_"Do your parents know that you stopped taking your medication, Britt?"_

_"No."_

_"What would they do if they found out?"_

_"Probably blame Santana."_

_"Do you think being off of them has helped you?"_

_"No. I'm going to take them from now on even if I'm spacey."_

_"Will you ever put your hand on San in anger again?"_

_"Not if I can help it. Not taking my meds was a mistake."_

_"Good...okay."_

* * *

><p>Hearing Britt admit that she had made a mistake by being off the medication gave me hope that she would be getting back to her self really soon.<p>

I smiled nice and big at her and nodded in agreement.

I wanted her spacey any day over being aggressive and angry.

_"San, tell Britt about your back up plan."_

_"What? Quinn come on!"_

_"Tell her."_

_"Fine. I bought a house. It's near the school, I convinced Quinn to go to Columbia with me. We were going to live together. "_

_"When did you buy the house San?"_

_"The day we got married, paid cash for it. If things between me and B worked out, I was just going to pretend that I had found it randomly and surprise her."_

_"Do you regret marrying Santana, Britt?"_

_"No, but sometimes...I think that we should have waited."_

_"How about you San, do you regret marrying B?"_

_"No. Not once...not ever."_

Britt sucked in a breath and mouthed an apology but I just shook my head and smiled.

I wasn't upset.

_"What do you think it will take to fix this Britt?"_

_"Honesty...from both of us."_

_"How about you San?"_

_"Commitment."_

_"I'm done."_

* * *

><p>Rachel was standing again...this time right next to us.<p>

Her eyes were bloodshot and her nose was red.

She had been crying.

I smiled at her and she smiled back.

_"Brittany, I'm going to let you ask your questions now okay?"_

_"Okay."_

I took a deep breath and looked at Britt again and could see the shaking that she was trying to control.

Her nerves were going crazy.

I smiled at her trying to ease some of her fears but she was beyond any coaxing from me.

I knew that she just needed to get her questions out.

So I looked her in the eye and nodded.

_"Are you mad about me for not telling you about being bipolar?"_

_"No."_

_"Will you stay with me even if I am on the medication?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do you feel like I violated you?"_

_"Yes…a little."_

_"Do you want me to move out?"_

_"No."_

_"If I wanted to go on the tour…still…would you be okay with it?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Would you be angry that I went?"_

_"No just a little sad but I'd get over it."_

_"Can I still adopt Isaac?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Can we get a cat?"_

_"No…I never told you this but I'm allergic to them."_

_"Really…wow!"_

_"That's not a question."_

_"Oops…sorry. Um…are you upset about me sleeping with Frankie on our wedding day?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do you want to know about it?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Now?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay, well I went there hiding from Rachel because she thought she saw Barbra Stryman."_ Rachel coughed and whispered _"Streisand, Britt." _B looked back at her and waved her off. _"Yeah that woman and I was near the hotel and so realized that I should go say hi…so I called Frankie and she asked me to have brunch in her room, so I agreed. When I told her that I was getting married, she said we should go at it one last time before I was tied down to you forever, so I went along with it. Afterwards I felt really bad about it especially when I saw you and you looked so beautiful and happy. That's why I cried on our wedding day...I felt so horrible. I'm sorry."_

_"I know."_

_"Will you forgive me?"_

_"Yes...I think that I can."_

_"Tonight?"_

_"Yes...I think so."_

_"Good because I forgive you and Ian."_

_"I'm glad."_

_"Can we go to therapy together?"_

_"Yes! I think that we need to find someone to talk to on a regular basis so that we don't get lost again."_

_"I agree."_

_"Good and I want you to stay on the medicine. It helps you."_

_"Okay...I will. I promise."_

_"Good."_

_"I'm done now, do you have questions?"_

* * *

><p><em>"Will you stay with me and promise to always work through things?"<em>

_"Yes."_

_"That's all I needed to know."_

_"Really?!"_ all three of them said in unison.

_"Yes…are we done? Can I kiss my wife now?"_

_"Um…yea. Just remember to keep an open dialogue."_

_"Yep."_

_"Alright, Come on Quinn lets go…will we see you guys for brunch tomorrow?"_

_"Lets make it dinner…I want to have breakfast in bed with B."_ I said sweetly as I led them to the door.

* * *

><p>When we had finally cleared out our company, Britt and I just stood there and looked at each other.<p>

She stood in the kitchen and put the chairs away.

I sat on the couch and looked over at her as she nervously cleaned up.

_"B?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Come over here a sec."_

_"Um…yea okay."_

I stood up and held my arms open for my wife.

Britt stepped into my embrace and immediately began to cry against my shoulder.

I rubbed her back and held onto her for a while before finally pulling back and looking into her watery blue eyes.

_"I love you…always and only you, Britt Britt."_

I leaned in and kissed her and it felt like everything melted away just like the first time.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: A little sweetness to end my posting for the weekend. I hope that some questions were answered and some hope was restored in our favorite girls! Isaac gets to come home this week so yea! More still to come...I have nine days to close out this part of the story. Keep reading...keep reviewing...**

**-A**


	59. Chapter 59:Blame Me! Blame Me!

**Chapter 59: Blame Me! Blame Me! (Anberlin)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>"I love you…always and only you!"<em> **

_**I leaned in and kissed her and it felt like everything melted away just like the first time.**_

* * *

><p>Britt and I spent the night curled up together talking about our hopes and dreams.<p>

It was the first time in a long time that we had been able to break down our walls and listen to each other.

I'm not going to say that spilling all those secrets didn't hurt because believe me they hurt like hell but I feel like we are better for it.

_"So do you still feel that attraction to Ian?"_

_"Not really. I love him but now its more like a best friend, brother kind of thing. Like me and Noah."_

_"You know I actually like him a lot...I feel like maybe I shouldn't like him but I can't help it."_

_"He makes me feel the same way and maybe I just confused it with something more."_

_"I am really sorry about lying about Frankie."_

_"I forgave you."_

_"I know...I just feel like it started everything, like you were more willing to sleep with Ian because of it."_

_"Honestly B, if you weren't around anymore and I was single I would probably just be in a relationship with him just because I would want that family for Isaac. I'm glad that I don't have to do that...it would feel like lying."_

* * *

><p>I laid flat on my stomach in a deep sleep when I felt her hands running up the length of my body.<p>

I tried to stay still but I couldn't fight the urge to let out a moan.

_"Mmmm B..."_

_"Shh...I'm trying to seduce you I can't do that if you are so willing to be seduced."_

_"You don't have to seduce me...I want you completely!"_ I moaned again as she began to nibble on my ear.

_"I know...but I want to."_

I let out a sigh as she kissed down my neck and across my shoulders.

"_I love you Britt Britt, make love to me...please?"_

Britt pouted as she rolled me over.

_"You aren't going to let me seduce you are you?"_

_"Nope."_

* * *

><p>I pulled her down by her tank top and kissed her and then when she let her guard down I flipped us over straddling her in one go.<p>

_"I see you have been paying attention."_ she giggled.

_"I'm a very good student!"_ I said as I peeled her clothes from her body. _"Especially when my teacher is so hot!"_

It has been so long since I had taken time to touch her. I looked down into the glittering eyes and it took my breath away.

_"What?"_

_"How did I get so lucky?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"My wife is smoking!"_

_"How dare you talk about your wife when you are about the have sex with me!"_

_"Sorry...those eyes just remind me of her!"_

B broke out into a smile and did that scrunchy nose thing that I loved so much.

I dropped my head to her shoulder and began to kiss her neck as my hands explored her breasts. Her breath hitched...ummm...good sign.

I leaned and stole a kiss before making my way to her breasts.

_"Ana...that feels...great!"_ she whispered as I sucked her nipple into my mouth and rolled it between my lips.

There is nothing sexier than the way Britt moans...it makes me wet every damn time.

I ran my hand down between her legs and looked into her face waiting for the first moan.

_"Ohhhhhhhh...wow!"_ she choked out as I began tracing patterns over her clit.

I kept spelling the word _mine_ over and over again until she came shuddering a few seconds later.

We went at it for hours until we finally were so exhausted that we feel asleep.

* * *

><p>At dawn my bladder woke me up and I tried my best not to grumble as I made my way to the bathroom.<p>

I had been so wrapped up in being forced to wake up that I hadn't even noticed that Britt wasn't in bed with me until I was on my way back to an empty bed.

I shrugged assuming that she went to use the other bathroom.

I was just falling back to sleep when the bedroom door burst open and slammed against the wall, the noise sounded like a gunshot.

I jumped up and nearly fell out the bed in horror.

_"Fuck!"_

_"Oops...sorry!"_ I looked up and there stood B completely nude carrying a tray._ "I made breakfast!"_ she giggled.

_"Tell me you didn't cook naked?"_ I said as I sat up and smoothed down my crazy bed hair.

"_I didn't cook naked...I'm not totally insane!"_

B walked over to the bed and placed the tray over my legs.

I let out a huge laugh as I looked down at two bowls of Trix.

I smiled as I looked up into her smiling face.

_"My favorite! Thanks B!"_

She bounced up and down clapping her hands.

Normally I would have clapped with her but I was entirely distracted by the boobs bouncing up and down in my face.

I leaned forward and tried to grab one but she jumped back and slapped my hand away.

_"Eat first!"_

I stuck out my lip and pouted but she didn't budge.

_"Fine!"_ I said scooping the cereal onto my spoon and then into my mouth. _"Better?"_ I said with a mouth full of milk causing some to drool down my teeth.

Britt made a gagging gesture and then wiped my chin with her hand.

_"Like that's any less gross!"_ I said laughing as she then wiped her hand on the comforter.

She plopped down softly and we began to eat together.

* * *

><p>"<em>So tell me about this house that you bought."<em>

_"It's a brownstone townhouse with an actual garage...it has five bedrooms, three bathrooms, an attic and a little ivy covered backyard. I saw it when I insisted Q go on a tour of Columbia with me. I think you are going to love it."_

_"Can we go see it."_

_"Sure whenever you want."_

_"Today?"_

_"Umm...I don't know if we can get a flight out at late notice."_

_"Please! Can you check and we can take Q and Rach as a thank you for last night!"_

Before last night this would have become an argument but today, today it's okay with me.

Watching Britt smile has always been my greatest weakness so I surprised when I found myself caving.

_"Okay...I'll call our agent and see what she can do."_

_"Yes! I'm going to call Rachel!"_

* * *

><p>By some miracle from the Gods we managed to get a flight direct to the city which cut down on several hours on a plane.<p>

When Britt called Rachel to invite her to New York I could hear her screaming in excitement across the room.

Between Rachel and B, by the time we boarded the plane they had our time all planned out with plays, restaurants, and a trip to NYADA.

I had plans of my own but would wait to see if there was time.

When we got to the JFK, Johnny's driver met us...my sister had been kind enough to lend him to us for the day.

Quinn was still in that huge cast so walking wasn't going to be feasible today.

I couldn't believe that Britt had actually called and convinced my sister to let go of her favorite luxury as Johnny's wife.

_"So how are you ladies today?"_ Rachel said excitedly.

_"We are so awesome. Thank you Ana for being so awesome!" _Britt squeaked out bouncing in her seat...I found myself staring as I was replaying her bouncing from that morning.

We had mind blowing sex after breakfast and then again before we packed for our trip and then again on the way to the airport.

Make-ups are so awesome.

I leaned over and kissed B and ran my hand over the side of her face.

_"I love you B! Always and only you!_" I whispered.

_"Awwwww"_ My head snapped towards Rachel and I stared her down making her smile even harder. I was losing my touch.

_"Alright enough with the sappiness, Rachel! B where are we headed first? I saw you talking to the driver."_

_"To the house! Quinn gave me the address."_

_"Are you sure you don't want to eat first?"_

_"No. Rach and I planned it...we are going to see the house, then Broadway, and then dinner."_

_"Ugh okay. Whatever you want B."_

Quinn did that thing with her throat and I snapped at her. _"What Q?"_

_"Open dialogue." _she said pointing at B. I sighed and then turned to my wife and flashed a small smile.

_"B...I would really like it if we ate first even if it's something small. I'm starving."_

_"Oh okay!"_ I was surprised to see B agree so quickly maybe there was something to this whole honesty thing.

* * *

><p>Once I satisfied my hunger we headed to the house.<p>

I found myself much more willing to be cordial and cooperate now that I had eaten.

Britt cuddled against me as we watched the city through the car window.

When we pulled up to the house I watched as Britt's jaw dropped and her eyes lit up.

_"That's the house?"_

_"Yes. That's our house baby...do you love it?"_

_"Yes! It's soooo pretty!"_

_"I'm glad you approve."_ I said squeezing her hand.

_"Can we go inside?"_

I handed her the keys and she jumped out of the car as soon as we pulled up to the curb with Rachel close behind her.

Q and I had already seen it so I stayed back so that I could help her out of the car.

I held her hand as we climbed the steps and she held on tightly.

_"I can't wait to move here."_ Q whispered softly.

_"Are you coming for sure?"_

_"Yup...I'm all registered."_

_"Did you tell Rachel?"_

_"I've been hinting at it...I just have been waiting for acceptance letter. If she doesn't get in I don't want her to feel bad."_

_"Are you kidding me? Rachel is totally going to get in!"_

_"I hope so...it would kill her if she didn't."_

_"She will." _I said as we made it to the doorway where Rachel was waiting anxiously.

Q smiled at me and then hobbled over to her girl. Rachel wrapped and arm around her waist and helped her walk down the hallway.

Sometimes I do things for people who I cannot believe.

Britt has definitely rubbed off on me.

**_Hola...do you still have that contact that sits on the board at NYADA?-Ana_**

**_Si, why...is that you're back up now?-Celia_**

**_No, you remember Rachel Berry? She is dying to get in. Can you put in a word?-Ana_**

**_Say no more...I have seen that girl. She is as good as in.-Celia_**

**_Thanks hermana!-Ana_**

_**No problem!-Celia**_

* * *

><p>The house was the perfect distance between Julliard and Columbia and wasn't far from the Hudson.<p>

I knew that B would love it. As we walked through the house she kept pointing out what she planned to do with each room.

She seemed so thrilled that this was where are lives were headed and I was glad that she was still happy to spend her life with me.

We were in the hallway headed to Isaac's room when my phone rang.

When I saw who it was I knew that answering was my only option...there are just some people who take precedent over house tours.

I followed behind the girls and answered quietly.

_"Hey Ian. Is everything alright?"_

_"No actually everything isn't alright." _he said sounding upset.

My heart began to race, I was sending silent prayers...please let my son be okay!

_"Hold on a sec."_ I turned to my friends and B and shooed them ahead to look around, B shot me a nervous look but then I smiled and she walked ahead. I stepped into my future bedroom and sat on the window seat, not sure if I should be sitting for this phone call. _"Okay, what's wrong?"_

_"Where are you?"_

_"New York, I texted you and told you that I would be back tomorrow."_

_"The cops showed up to the hospital looking for you."_

"_What? Why?"_

_"They didn't say...but they told me that if I saw you to call them. I think they had a warrant."_

_"Are you kidding me right now?"_

_"I wish."_

I heard the door open and looked up to see a concerned look on Britt's face.

_"Thanks for letting me know Ian. I'll take care of it. How's Isaac?"_

"_He's having a bad day. His lungs aren't doing so good...they are talking about moving him back to the NICU." _

My heart ached for my son, there was no way I could enjoy the rest of my time here with so much going on back in Lima.

_"I'm coming home."_ I was still looking at B and could see the tears in her eyes as I dashed her plans for the day. I mouthed a sorry to her before looking away out the window, _"Let me know what they decide to do okay? I have to go."_

_"Um okay... What about the cops?"_

_"I'll take care of it."_

* * *

><p>Before he could say another word I hung up.<p>

B walked closer to me and was about to protest as I was scrolling through my contacts.

I held up a finger trying to get her to wait a second when my phone went off again.

I heard her let out a huff as I answered.

_"Hello?"_

_"Santana! Thank God, I have been calling you for the last two hours. Where are you?"_

It was my lawyer...this couldn't be good.

_"New York. What's going on back there Sal? What's this about the cops looking for me?"_

I watched Britt's face go from red and angry to scared and pale as she stood in front of me with her arms across her chest.

_"Well I advise you to get back here and turn yourself in."_

_"For what?"_

_"You had a warrant issued for your arrest at 10am in connection with illegal narcotics. This is serious Santana."_

_"They are already charging me?"_

_"They claim they have are felony charges. This is no joke...we can't play around with this."_ He said as if he was trying to convince me.

_"No shit...Sal I'm getting on the next flight home...meet me at the terminal okay...and find out everything you can."_

_"Okay. Let me know what time to expect you. Just get home fast, I'll see you in Dayton."_ he said as he hung up. I was heated...what the hell could I possibly have done for felony charges to brought up against me?

* * *

><p>I was freaking out inside but on the outside I did everything that I could to appear calm and collected because if I freaked out I knew that Britt would lose it.<p>

I looked up at her and could see her shuffling from one foot to the other and biting that lip of hers.

_"Ana what's wrong? We have to go home? The cops are looking for you?"_

_"You can stay if you want but I have to go right now."_

_"Where are you going?"_ Q said as she stepped into the room with Rachel.

_"I need to get to Lima as soon as possible. There is a warrant out for my arrest."_

_"What?"_ they all said.

_"Yea so you guys can stay if you want but I have to get back, the longer the warrant sits the worse it gets."_

_"No...We aren't going to let you go back by yourself."_ Q said. B just kept standing there just looking at me in confusion.

I tried to smile at them but I couldn't even get my face to agree with the simple command from my brain.

* * *

><p>We managed to catch a flight to Dayton as soon as we got to the airport but almost missed it until Rachel showing super human strength picked up Q.<p>

I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all but this was just too serious for me to even make light of.

Britt sat looking out the window of the plane still unable to bring herself to speak to me.

Her anxiety was making me feel even worse but I couldn't let it show.

We had just gotten back to some form of normalcy and just like that it was being ripped from us.

I was just so tired of Lima...so tired of the bullshit.

I sat there looking at the back of B's head as she watched the sunset outside her window.

She had put her hand in mine at some point, I wasn't sure if it was from habit or if she was actually trying to comfort me.

I squeezed her hand halfway through the flight and she finally turned to me.

Her face was a mess of tears as she finally looked into my eyes, I could see the panic all over her face, she had been trying to be strong.

_"It's okay Britt Britt. We will get this straightened out."_

_"I'm sorry!"_ she mumbled as she leaned into my shoulder and began sobbing.

_"None of this is your fault."_ I said as I wrapped an arm around her.

_"I told Frankie about everything...the drugs and about Marco being arrested. What if she said something?"_

Britt's sobs were getting louder and people were starting to stare.

_"Shhh B you don't know that. This is my fault ok. Don't blame yourself."_

_"What if..."_

_"No what if's right now...we will handle things as they come."_

She continued to sob quietly into my shirt for the rest of the flight.

I just stared at the seat in front of me and tried my best to think of the best case scenarios but I couldn't...I knew this had something to do with the drugs, I just didn't know how badly.

* * *

><p>When we touched down in Dayton, Sal stood at the terminal waiting for me just like I had asked.<p>

I forced a smile and he just nodded.

_"Britt drive my car home, I'm going to go ahead in the car with Sal."_

_"No...I'm coming with you, let Rachel drive."_

Rachel stood there looking just as panicked as Britt but I was hoping that Quinn would be able to keep her from crashing my car on the highway.

I looked over at Q and she just nodded at me, knowing what I was worried about and silently assuring me that everything would be fine.

I sighed and handed the keys to Rachel.

_"Fine. Rachel...just be careful."_

Before I let the girls drive my car I did one huge sweep of it to make sure that if they took the car that it would be completely clean.

Sal looked at me and instead of awe he seemed angry.

I nodded to him when I was done and followed him to his car.

The ride started out tense as he looked ahead at the road.

He seemed really anxious about this, he had never had to defend our family except for medical malpractice with my dad.

This though, this was a big deal apparently.

Once we were on the road Sal started to speak.

_"Looks like we are in for a big case Santana."_

_"So a warrant for my arrest...this is crazy."_

_"They have warrants for your car and apartment as well."_

_"I don't understand this...what did I do?"_

_"Kyle Chambers was picked up yesterday and he struck a deal with the DA...smaller sentence if he turned in his hookup. You were named."_

_"What? That's bullshit Sal. This could get me kicked out if school...I could lose Isaac!"_ Now I was officially panicking.

_"Well hopefully you aren't in possession of anything, from what I could see you made sure of that as well, do you have anything on you?"_

_"I'm clean. I used what I had left yesterday."_

_"So you have consumed cocaine in the last 24 hours?"_

_"Yes...they aren't going to test me are they?"_

_"They might."_

_"Fuck!"_

_"Be advised that they may also attempt to freeze your assets."_

_"You're kidding! Ugh! I'm going to kill that kid!"_

_"Make sure you don't make those kind of statements at the station."_

* * *

><p>We sat there in silence as tried to formulate some sort of plan to get myself out of this.<p>

I knew that hooking up with that kid was a bad idea.

I can't catch a fucking break!

_"So she has to go to jail just tonight, right?"_ Britt squeaked out from the backseat.

_"Most likely Santana will be kept in custody until she clears bail but if they freeze her money she won't be able to bail herself out."_

_"What do I need to do Sal?"_

_"Go in there be honest but only say what you need to say no more, no less. Don't fight them. Act like you are talking to your father."_

_"Ok. Have you talked to my mom?"_

Mami had gone to one of the best law schools in the country, the same law school that I might get kicked out of, if these stick.

_"I spoke to Gladys after I talked to you. She said she would be waiting at the precinct for us. Captain Rivera will also be doing everything he can...but once they find out he is your godfather I'm not sure how much help he will be."_

_"Can you take me to the hospital to see Isaac first?"_

_"Okay...I told them I would be bringing you in tonight so don't take too long. You know they have been out to take you down for years so they are looking for anything to add to your charges."_

* * *

><p>The nurse was about to stop me from seeing Isaac and had that gloating face on from two days before but when she saw Britt she sat back down.<p>

I smirked at her, raised my middle finger and kept walking.

Isaac was already back in the NICU with Ian.

He looked paler than usual and his lips were tinted blue.

I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my face when I picked him up I could hear how bad he was wheezing.

How bad he was trying to breathe because of the stupid shit that I had done.

_"Izzy baby you have to get better papa so that you can come home. I love you so much."_ His breathing slowed a bit as I rubbed his little back and whispered to him. _"Mami might be away for a little bit but Mama will come everyday and so will Tio Ian and Auntie Q. I love you, I love you, I love you papa!"_

I tried not to cry as I held my son but it was useless, I had no idea how long it would be until I held him next and it killed me.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: We are coming to an end to part one very shortly...how is the interest to see this story make its way to New York in the next part? **

**Thanks for all the awesome reviews. My lady love also left me one. Te amo babe! Always and only you ;-***

**Read & Review**

**-A**


	60. Chapter 60:All Falls Down

**Chapter 60: All Falls Down (Kanye West)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I tried not to cry as I held my son but it was useless, I had no idea how long it would be until I held him next and it killed me.<strong>_

* * *

><p>I handed Isaac back to the nurse after kissing him a bunch of times.<p>

She smiled at me as she put him back into the little bed.

She slipped a mask over his face so that she could give him a breathing treatment and I felt more tears sliding down my cheeks.

He needed me right now and I couldn't stay with him.

I felt like a horrible mother.

_"You'll be back before you know it okay?"_ B said trying to soothe my tears as I looked over my shoulder repeatedly.

_"This could get bad B...really bad. I need you to be here for him okay?"_ I said as we stood at the door to the NICU. I looked into her bloodshot eyes and linked our pinkies. _"Double pinky promise me."_ I said leaning my forehead against hers.

_"I would triple pinky promise if I could Ana."_

_"Thank you...I love you!"_ I whispered as I kissed her lips. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her body.

_"Always. I love you too."_

_"Come on...lets get this over with."_

* * *

><p>Sal stood patiently by the elevator as Britt and I stepped into the hallway.<p>

B was holding tight to my hand and trying her best to be strong but I knew she wanted to break.

I was glad to know that she could be strong if she needed to be.

I had no idea how much of a ride I was in for but as long as I knew that she had my back I felt more confident that I could beat this.

Quinn and Rachel drove my car to the station right behind us.

If Sal wanted my cooperation I would do everything that I could to show that I had nothing to hide.

I was just hoping that there wasn't anymore surprises like the half bag from the day before that I had found, I had looked thoroughly at the airport and had even wiped down my surfaces just so there was no residue.

I wasn't taking any chances.

When I walked into the station and I felt famous, everyone got really quiet and were all looking at me with excitement on their faces.

They were fucking enjoying this.

I kept my head high and my face stoic as I had walked in with my wife still holding tight to my hand and my lawyer by my side.

I felt so anxious to find out the truth.

I was so happy when we were in a hall away from the main floor and I could let my guard down slightly.

I took at deep breath as Sal knocked on the door in front of us.

I squeezed Britt's hand and then I tried to smile when I saw that my mom was waiting for me in my godfather's office.

She smiled back at me and I could see that she meant it.

* * *

><p>I could see that she believed in me and I was able to smile for the first time all night long.<p>

Sal down next to my mother in the only remaining chair. I looked up at the tall handsome man who stood in front of us.

I hadn't seen him in a while, I realized that I had missed him as I looked at his sparkling eyes.

My Padrino was my whole life as a kid, I got to ride in squad cars, play cops and robbers, and all sorts of crazy crap as a kid when he was around.

He was my second father and when everything went down after I lost the baby...he had pulled away from me at my father's request.

I was hoping that he could save me or at least cushion the blow a bit.

He looked torn between his duty and his blood.

I tried to smile at him but I couldn't do anything but just stand there clutching Britt's hand like it was my oxygen.

_"Hi Ana...it's been awhile."_

_"Since the funeral, Padrino, how are you? I've missed you."_

_"I've been better Ana. This is not a good situation."_

_"I know...I'm innocent. You taught me better."_

_"I hope so."_

_"I'm sorry for this Pa!"_ I said no longer able to hide the tears.

He made sure that the blinds were down and then he wrapped me in a hug...a fatherly hug.

I gained strength from him holding me those few moments and then when I thought he was going to let go he pulled B into the hug.

_"I'm going to do all I can to get this thrown out, okay girls?" We both nodded as he let us go._

_"Thank you Pa."_ I whispered, wiping at the tears on my face and trying to get my fearlessness back.

_"So are you ready to face the wolves?"_

_"As ready as I can be for this sort of thing."_

_"Did you turn in your car keys?"_

I turned to Britt and she handed me the car keys.

I hesitated for a second mentally checking the car again and then I handed them over.

_"Make sure they take care of my baby."_

"_I will."_

_"Thank you for this."_

_"Of course baby girl. They are out for blood so let's get you out there."_

* * *

><p>I was read my rights and then booked in a matter if minutes.<p>

I had never seen cops so happy in all of my life. It seemed like they had just been itching to get me into the station.

Pa had allowed Britt to stay by my side the whole time until they cuffed me.

As they were taking me into custody I heard Britt finally breakdown, she stood by Mami's side holding onto her hand now and was outwardly sobbing again.

I couldn't acknowledge her tears for fears that it would make me break.

_"Ana! I love you baby!"_

I kept my head down as they led to lock up.

Just like Sal said, they tested my urine and then asked if they would find anything and I was honest.

The cop that was asking about my piss had an ugly ass smirk on his face when I admitted to using blow, as if I had just admitted to being a drug lord or like I had handed him a year's supply.

I know that this was going to mess up my admission to Columbia especially since now I was probably going to be connected to Mr. Evans and Marco.

I had continued my drug usage long after Marco had disappeared from the picture and I had a bank account that could easily support money laundering.

For years of money being my way out it seemed that now it might possibly get me into even more trouble.

* * *

><p>When I woke up in the morning and had my cereal with B, I would never had imagined that by nightfall I would be in jail.<p>

We were supposed to be in Manhattan painting the town in rainbows and getting into silly teenage fun.

This wasn't how things were supposed to go.

I sat in a dark cell that reeked of bodily fluids for hours without being formally charged.

I was angry that I was wasting valuable time away from Isaac so that I could sit in a cell and to top it all off I still hadn't been questioned.

I became agitated and convinced that the assholes were making me sit and wait on purpose.

As time went on, I was starting to believe that I was destined to not be happy forever, I mean I had just fixed shit with B, I was getting back to myself and fighting a growing addiction.

I was actually looking forward to living and being a mom and a wife.

Things were amazingly better than they had been just a year prior...so this shit was just utterly ridiculous.

I knew one thing for certain, once I was cleared, and I would be cleared, I would be out for blood.

I sat for more three hours before I was brought back up for questioning.

They still refused to uncuff me and so I was forced to keep my arms in front of me.

The pain from broken hand had never fully vanished so the extra tight cuffs made for a painful experience.

When I got to the interrogation room they sat me in a cold metal chair next to Sal who was looking even more pissed off that usual.

I could tell that he had been yelling at some point since he had a vein standing out on his forehead and when he greeted me his voice sounded a bit hoarse.

_"Everything okay Sal?"_

_"No."_ he leaned in and whispered. _"They somehow found out about your activities in New York last summer and have witnesses to your cocaine usage and purchases that you made while at school. They are digging up everything that they can to throw the book at you."_

_"Shit."_

_"I'm trying my best here Santana."_

_"So, can you get me out of here?"_

_"It took me three hours just to get you up here. Settle in Santana, I think this is going to get bad before it gets better."_

_"I was afraid you'd say that."_

* * *

><p>The door opened and a burly looking guy and a young Spanish guy walked in, the big guy had a cocky smile on his face and looked at me like I was a sirloin steak.<p>

_"Mrs. Lopez...how are you tonight? I'm Chuck and this is my partner Felix."_

_"We've met. Hi Felix."_ when Chuck's partner began to blush as I smiled, he swung his head around to him and gestured for him to meet him outside the room.

I chuckled to myself and tried to see out the door.

The moment the door closed behind them Sal cleared his throat and looked at me with wild eyes, raising his eyebrow.

_"What?"_

_"How do you know that officer?"_

_"Why do you think I have never had a speeding ticket? Felix and I go way back."_

_"Behave Santana and maybe this will work for your benefit."_

_"You got it, Sal."_

* * *

><p>When Chuck and Felix came back I could tell that Felix didn't really explain how he knew me because Chuck didn't seem anxious anymore.<p>

If Felix had been honest and told his partner how he took me from behind over the trunk of his squad car when I was fifteen and he was twenty five, I'm sure Felix would not have been allowed to walk back in.

I smiled the sweetest smile that I could at them and tried my best not to look at Felix too much.

_"Mrs. Lopez, what is your relationship with a one Kyle Chambers?"_

_"He was my dealer."_

_"Dealer? Of what?"_

_"Cocaine."_

_"So you admit to previous drug usage."_

_"Yes."_

_"How often did you buy from Mr. Chambers?"_

_"Only three times."_

_"The most recent being?"_

_"A month ago, he gave me PCP instead of what I asked for and I almost died so I stopped buying from him after that."_

_"Your test results show high levels of cocaine...if you stopped buying from him how were you still able to have such high amount in your system a month later?"_

_"I had extra from a previous buy. My wife caught me and took it away, I recently took it back."_

_"Have you ever sold drugs Mrs. Lopez?"_

_"No sir."_

_"So purchases only?"_

_"Yes._

_"How did you meet Mr. Chambers?"_

_"One of my idiot classmates made reference to my drug habit in front of the entire senior class and Kyle approached me a few days afterwards."_

_"And that was the first time you met him?"_

_"Yes sir."_

_"Our records indicate that you have shared classes with him for the last ten years. Can you explain how you never met him in those ten years?"_

_"With all do respect sir, in the past I would never have associated with him or people like him. We walk different circles...I couldn't tell you the names of more than half of the senior class at McKinley."_

_"So he came to you and introduced himself as what?"_

_"He told me that he had the best stuff in Lima and that he could give me what I needed."_

_"How did you first come in contact with cocaine?"_

_"Last summer in New York, on the job."_

_"What job was that?"_

Sal leaned over and whispered to me,

_"You don't have to answer that."_

* * *

><p><em>"I was a personal escort to some high powered businessmen."<em>

_"Did you have sexual relations with these men?" _

I sat there stunned that he had the gull to ask me that fucking question.

Sal cut him off.

_"What does this have to do with your case?"_

_"I'm sorry, I am just trying to get answers based off statements that were made by Mr. Chambers and see where the truth is."_

_"That is the DA's job not yours."_

_"Fine. Mrs. Lopez accept my apologies, how about you tell us in what form you paid Mr. Chambers?"_

_"I would wire the money to western union and he would pick it up whenever. He had wanted me to do a direct transfer but I refused."_

_"So you never sold drugs?"_

_"No."_

_"Where did you get drugs before meeting Mr. Chambers?"_

_"My ex-husband"_

_"Marco Vega?"_

_"Yes sir."_

_"Have you been in contact with Mr. Vega?"_

_"No sir."_

_"He is currently serving a 23 year sentence in Rikers. I have here that he was convicted of money laundering racketeering, bribery, theft, and distribution of illegal narcotics. Do you have anything to do with those charges."_

_"No sir, we were married less than six months and had no ties after that. Most of the time he wasn't with me. I was aware of some of his activities but I don't know how he did what he did. I don't know his contacts. I'm just someone who is realizing that I can still save myself...did I purchase coke...yes...but I have nothing on my person, my property, or in my possession that would indicate anything more than that."_

_"One more question, what did you do with the money that Marco wired to your account?"_

_"I paid the rent, bought a new phone and I used it for school stuff. I hadn't gotten my inheritance yet."_

_"So you weren't funneling money elsewhere, like say to Mr. Chambers?"_

_"Sir, I didn't even know him when I was married to Marco. My ex-husband made sure that I always had anything that I wanted or needed and if I had any contact with Kyle while I was still married I would had a broken jaw. I assure you that I had no contact with him before this year. I am not guilty of anything but poor choices that I am trying to rectify."_

_"So what are you saying?"_

_"That your officers jumped the gun and issued a warrant on hearsay. You have no witnesses, you have no case. My ex-husband has already been tried and convicted and since I wasn't subpoenaed on that case about any transactions I made, obviously they weren't suspect. Now if you want the tapes on Kyle I can give a list of who he sells to, I think I even know who his distributor might be but please don't take me down because of some ages old vendetta."_

_"Vendetta?"_

_"You're new here so I will be nice enough to fill you in, I'm a daddy's girl who has always gotten her way there is nothing I couldn't buy my way out of...now though sir, my dad is dead, I have a wife, a son, and I'm one foot out of this town. Your officers have been trying to pin me down for years. I admit that I've done some crazy crap but never anything this stupid."_

_"So you say you might know the distributor?"_

_"I've heard rumors...ok...look people talk and while I try not to listen every once in a while things stick but I may be forgetting."_

_"So what are you asking."_

_"Drop the charges and I'll sing like a bird...but I want anonymity."_

_"Names first, deals second."_

I turned to Sal and noticed that he was excitedly scribbling away on his note pad looking like a giddy school girl.

I cleared my throat and his head popped up.

I was annoyed with him and this whole investigation.

_"Are you even paying attention, Sal? I don't pay you to write love letters to your cat, help me out here."_ I winked and he just shrugged. Sal got his lawyer face back on, slid his notepad away from him and then folded his hands on the table. He was smirking...I was hoping that was a good thing.

_"Look fellas this is all one huge misunderstanding. My client is innocent and I believe that if you continue with this case you will have a lawsuit on your hands that this precinct cannot afford."_

_"So you are going to dispute the claims?"_

_"Absolutely."_

_"Well her hearing is at 9am. We will see what the judge thinks." _

* * *

><p>Chuck pushed away from the table and stood up looking down at me with a look of annoyance.<p>

He turned to Felix who just sat at the table and was staring me down.

I kept looking between the two partners, wondering if either of them really believed that I had been capable of such things.

Sal was sitting tense next to me, no longer smirking.

He seemed cool and collected but I could tell that he was trying to figure out their angle.

I, on the other hand was just angry.

I rested my hands on the table and looked over to Felix who hadn't spoken a word the whole time.

He looked back at me almost pleading with me to not say anything stupid.

I just wanted his help but I guess guys are not as willing to help you when you aren't bent over screaming out their names.

_"Why are you letting them do this to me?"_

_"What San-Santana no one is doing anything to you?"_

_"Felix, we have been more than friends for a very very long time and I always thought that meant something to you but I guess I was wrong."_

_"This is serious business Santana, we have to explore all avenues and unfortunately they lead to you, my hands are tied."_

_"But you know me Felix, you know that I would never do this."_

_"All I know is that people aren't always who you think they are."_ He said as he glanced down at my wedding band. He wasn't going to help me because of Britt?

Seriously?

_"You're kidding right? You aren't going to help me because of that?"_

Chuck and Sal looked at us strangely but I wasn't paying them any fucking mind.

_"Believe what you want...I just know that people change."_

_"Apparently they do."_ I turned from him and rolled my eyes back trying to wipe any hurt from my face, I would not fucking cry right now. I turned to my attorney, _"Sal call my mom and your buddies, they want a case we will give them one. I'm going to fight for every penny this place has!_" I turned towards Chuck, "_Take me back to lock up please."_

_"I thought you said she would cooperate."_ Chuck said to Sal.

Sal chuckled as he stood up and helped me from my chair.

_"Well Chuck, anyone that knows Mrs. Lopez knows that she is doing just that, she is on her best behavior. Probably better than I have ever seen her...right Felix?"_ Felix nodded before he could stop himself and then looked horrified that he acknowledged any relationship between us.

I smirked and followed Chuck out the door.

I was in for a long night.

When I walked past the main floor to go back to lock up I could see smirks on half their fucking faces in the station.

I knew in my gut that this was personal.

I felt like I had missed something.

Had I done something that I didn't remember?

Was there was something else at play.

* * *

><p>It felt like the middle of the night as I lay on my cot, I lost all track of time as I racked my brain for some sort of answer.<p>

I had crashed into city hall almost five years ago...there had to be something else, but what was it?

I was curled up in a ball going over in my head every single thing that I knew about Kyle and my relationship with the cops.

I fell asleep at some point and was awakened by one of the officers running his hand across my face.

I jumped up to my feet and pushed him away just enough to get him to step back, I didn't need anymore charges.

When he regained his footing, he stood up against me and looked down at me with angry, cold eyes.

_"What the hell are you doing?"_ I growled.

_"Time to get ready for your hearing."_

_"Get the hell out of my cell...please?"_

From what I could tell it was still dark outside and it really freaked me out to be down here alone with this guy.

_"Language. You dykes can be so harsh."_

_"I want to see your captain."_

_"He's not here."_

_"What about Felix?"_

_"Gone."_

_"What do you want?"_

_"I want you to plead guilty, so that my nephew doesn't get brought down in your shit"_

_"Your nephew...who the hell is your nephew?"_

_"Kyle Chambers...your candyman."_

_"Fuck you."_

_"I'm sure you'd like that...I've heard what a little slut you can be."_

_"Get out of my cell."_

_"Plead guilty."_

_"Not a fucking chance, sleazeball."_

He wrenched me to my feet and then landed a punch straight to my gut.

The wind left my lungs and I coughed trying to get air.

I hadn't been hit so hard in months so I hadn't been prepared.

_"Fuck!"_ I cried out.

_"Plead guilty."_

_"Fuck you!"_

He punched me again and again.

I didn't make a sound this time and I could tell it infuriated him.

He kept hitting me and I could taste the blood in my mouth from biting my cheek so hard.

I closed my eyes as the room began to spin.

Suddenly there was a loud clanging sound and the stupid fucking cop jumped back.

I stood there clutching my stomach, the damage had already been done...I felt like shit.

Footsteps came down the hallway towards my cell and I just stood there in horror hoping that this guy didn't have a buddy.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw a familiar face.

I had never been happier to see Felix in all of my life.


	61. Chapter 61:The Middle

**Chapter 61:The Middle (Jimmy Eat World)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw a familiar face. I had never been happier to see Felix in all of my life.<em>**

* * *

><p>I looked up at Felix as he stepped into my cell.<p>

I still held tight to my stomach and knew that I had a look of pain on my face.

He looked me up and down and then turned towards the fucking evil son of a bitch that punched me.

_"Why are you in her cell Mack?"_

_"Just checking in on her."_

_"She doesn't need to be checked on at 3am."_

_"I thought Captain told you and Chuck to call it a night?"_

_"And leave her in this cell with you idiots around...the captain would have my badge!"_

_"Well I was just checking on her...shit...I didn't know you wanted a piece...I'll go."_

_"Is that what you were planning to do?" Felix stepped even closer to Mack and I could see that Felix definitely had a height and a muscle advantage over the guy. "If you touch her...if you ever touch her I will kill you myself!"_

_"So protective over your little dyke junkie girlfriend...aren't you?" _

I stood there in awe as Felix lifted Mack up by his collar and brought him to eye level.

_"Say one more thing and I will kick your ass myself!"_

_"Fine...put me down." _

Felix dropped him to his feet and he nearly fell on his ass.

He scrambled towards the entry to the cell and then came back towards me and growled.

_"Remember what I said!"  
><em>

_"You were taken off this case for a reason...now get out of her cell."_

_"Yea well you should be taken off the case since you have been screwing her."_

_"This is your last chance before I call the captain, get the fuck out of here!"_

Mack looked back at me, hocked up gunk in throat and spit towards me.

I jumped back before it could connect with me, utterly disgusted.

_"Asshole!"_ I called after him as Felix forcibly shoved him from my cell.

* * *

><p>When the fucker was gone, I finally let out a breath.<p>

Fuck it hurt.

I sat on my cot and just tried to take breaths but they came out labored and short.

"_He do something to you?"_

_"I'm okay."_

_"What did he do?"_

_"Fuck...Felix just go...please?"_

_"Listen T, I'm sorry about all this."_

_"I know."_

_"I wish I could do something to stop this nonsense."_

_"You just did...who knows what he would have done. Just go...okay?"_ I whispered as I sat back against the wall cringing when my stomach contracted.

_"You need anything before I go?"_

_"Water..."_ I said feeling my throat dry out as I tried to breathe.

He grabbed a paper cup and filled it with water from the sink.

He handed it to me and when I reached out for it, I saw how bad I was shaking. Felix sat on the edge of my cot and brought the cup to my lips.

I dipped my head and drank the water greedily.

I threw my head back against the wall and then looked at him.

_"Thank you."_

_"You're welcome...I'll bring you coffee in the morning...black, three sugars right?"_ I nodded and then slowly laid back onto the pillow. He looked at me longingly as he shut and locked the door. _"See you in the morning."_

* * *

><p>I woke up in the morning before anyone came for me and could feel that the pain had increased.<p>

I sucked in a breath and tried my best to just push past the pain.

I lifted up my shirt and tried to see my stomach but my fucking boobs blocked my vision.

_"That looks pretty bad."_ I snapped my head up and there stood Felix with my coffee.

_"Yea...well these fucking boobs are in the way...I can't see it."_

_"It's pretty bad...I'm going to tell the captain about it."_

_"No...please, he will kill the guy with his bare hands and I know for a fact that they would never find his body."_

_"When you get out of here go see someone okay."_ He said as he handed the cup to me.

I breathed in the bittersweet smell of the coffee and brought it to my lips.

He was smiling at me when I looked up at him.

_"Thank you."_

_"Your welcome."_

_"What makes you so sure I'm getting out of here?"_

_"Because you were right last night...we have no case. We are plucking straws. You're name wasn't the only one that Kyle mentioned it just so happens that out of a list of fifteen names yours stuck out. Your Padrino knows you and I have history...that's why he put me on the case. Chuck is new and wants to make a name for himself."_

_"And I would be just the way to do it...of course!"_

_"So I don't anticipate you being here very long."_

_"That's the best news I have heard since this all started."_

_"Yea...well I couldn't very well say that last night, I almost passed out when Chuck started suspecting something."_

_"Sorry."_

_"Look...guy named Walter will be down to get you in thirty minutes...clean up your face, do something with that hair, and drink that coffee. This guy is an ass but he won't hurt you like Mack did. Just be humble...I know that's hard for you but I know that you can do it."_

_"Okay. Thanks again...now get out of here before someone thinks you're sampling the goods."_ I said, winking at him.

I have always loved to make a man blush, it makes me feel so powerful.

All hail ME!

* * *

><p>I had never heard of so many people at a simple hearing but my people had shown up in full force.<p>

When I walked into the room, Britt was sitting right up front with bloodshot eyes holding Ian and Quinn's hands.

My sisters and my mom all surrounded them and then there was Sue Sylvester.

I looked around for any glee clubbers but my _"family"_ was once again nowhere to be found.

This is why I would follow Sue to the ends of the Earth.

She taught me strength, which is exactly what I needed at the moment and when I caught her eye she looked at me with smugness and winked.

She was up to something and I was completely fine with whatever she had up her sleeve.

She was my own warped guardian angel...sick right?

_"All rise."_

I stood shoulder to shoulder with Sal as the judge entered, gearing myself for whatever bail she set because I knew that I could pay it and if I couldn't one of my sisters could, no matter how I looked at it I would be going home at some point today.

_"This is a bail hearing for Santana Gladys Lopez, how do you plead?"_

_"Not guilty."_

_"Taking into account your willingness to turn yourself in within hours of being notified of your pending arrest, I do not see you as a flight risk and because of your amazing coöperation with the local officials, I will set bail for two hundred and fifty thousand. Your case will be heard on Monday May 14th at 9am. If you do not appear another warrant will be issued. Understand?"_

_"Yes ma'am."_

When the judge left I leaned into Sal and whispered, _"Come to lock up and bring Damariz and a camera."_

_"Why?"_

_"Start putting my case together, the bruises on my stomach are just part of it. I want someones badge"_

_"Bruises?"_

_"Just show up!"  
><em>

We were interrupted when I was tapped on the shoulder and asked to stand.

Even though they knew that my bail was about to be posted they still wanted to make a show by handcuffing me in front of my family and friends.

I put out my wrists for the awaiting handcuffs and kept my head down. Felix was right, Walter had been an ass making snide comments but he didn't once try to get too rough with the exception of the cuffs.

He had made sure to make the cuffs extra tight.

I winced as I felt the metal hit my bone.

_"Ana?"_ I looked over and saw my wife with tears in her eyes. She had seen me wince._ "Are you okay baby?"_

I nodded my head too afraid to speak for fear that I might cry again.

My pride was keeping me from turning into a blubbering mess.

_"Sandra is posting your bail right now. I'll see you soon."_

I nodded again as they pushed at me to start walking towards the door.

* * *

><p>The ride back to the station was a quiet one.<p>

I was on my best behavior as I saw Britt riding along side of the bus with Celia and Mami.

I watched them the entire way, I kept catching Britt glance up at me through the window and I tried to smile but it was hard when you have a wire screen partially blocking your vision and pains shooting up and down your chest and stomach.

When we got back at the station Sal was waiting with Damariz, Sandra and Sue by Padrino's office.

They were all smiling at me.

I attempted to smile back but the pain was becoming less bearable.

Felix came over and whispered in the ear Walter's ear.

Walter kept looking down at me and then over to my family.

He hadn't let go of my elbow and in fact had squeezed it a couple times during the conversation.

I stood there just waiting as they continued to talk off to the side.

Sal held his thumbs up and smiled even harder.

I jumped when a hand came down on my shoulder.

It was Padrino, he was smiling as well.

He winked at me and then held out his hand to Walter for the key to my cuffs.

_"Mrs. Lopez on behalf of the Lima judicial system please accept my apologies for any inconveniences. You are free to go."_

I stood there looking at him in confusion as Walter uncuffed my wrists.

* * *

><p>As soon as they were off I began to rub my left wrist which was bruising.<p>

Padrino opened his arms to me and I stepped into them.

He squeezed me lightly and then asked me to step into his office.

My family members and Sue followed us inside.

The moment the door was closed I turned to my godfather, near tears.

_"What the hell had happened?"_

_"We got our guy. I called you in here to see your stomach."_

_"I told Felix to keep his mouth shut."_

_"Well he cares about you Santana, just like we all do, let me see."_

I lifted up my shirt and all they all gasped.

Damariz came over to me and ran a light hand over my abdomen.

_"You need to go see a doctor."_

_"You are one."_

_"Yes but I don't cart x-ray machines around on my back."_

_"Well you should know better by now."_ I said as I dropped my shirt.

Padrino turned to Damariz.

_"Can you take pictures of these bruises, I have a guy from internal affairs coming in this afternoon."_

_"Okay, Tio. You got it!"_

* * *

><p>As I walked out of the building I saw them ushering in Kyle and Sandy, I guess he moved from Marijuana to pills and powder.<p>

Sal leaned into my ear while wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

_"Your cheer coach over there got a confession out of Sandy. It came through as you where in transit from the hearing. They dropped all the charges and Brittany should have picked up your car by now."_

Relief filled my chest as I finally felt the tears soaking my cheeks.

I looked over at my sisters who were smiling back at me as we walked to the car.

I suddenly realized that there was only one place that I wanted to be at that moment.

_"Sal...can you do me one last favor?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Take me to the hospital."_

_"You sure that you don't want to see your family first?"_

_"Just call Britt and tell her where I am, okay?"_

_"Okay." _

_"I'll see you guys at the house...okay?"_ I called out to my sisters.

They knew me enough by now to know that I had to see Isaac before I did anything else.

* * *

><p>When Sal dropped me off at the hospital he told me that he would see me at dinner.<p>

I smiled climbed onto the elevator.

When I entered the baby floor a different nurse was on duty and she smiled at me and sent me on my way.

When I walked into the NICU, after washing my hands three times, I found Britt already there holding Isaac on her chest. S

he looked up at me with a smile on her but with tears in his eyes.

_"I knew you'd come here first."_ Britt whispered.

I smiled and nodded as I leaned in and kissed her lips.

_"How is he?"_ I asked as I saw for the first time, my baby with the breathing mask on his little face, the thing was massive on him as the breathing treatment filled his lungs.

_"Not good. Maybe if you hold him with your Mami magic he will get better."_

_"After his treatment is done." _I said feeling too dirty and too afraid to hold him.

I sat on the stool in front of Britt and placed my hand on Isaac's back.

Seeing him like this steeled my resolve to stay clean.

I could feel how congested his lungs were and wished that I could trade places with him.

I should be sick and he should be healthy.

I rubbed his back, occasionally running into Britt's fingers.

I looked up at her and could see her smiling at me.

_"So you're free now? Sal called."_

_"Yea...they dropped the charges."_

_"Thank God...I went to church with Quinn last night and we prayed for you."_

_"Really? That means a lot to me B."_

_"It helped me feel closer to you."_

_"I feel the same way, when I go it makes me feel closer to Papi."_

_"We should go together."_

_"We can."_

_"So, how about you, are you okay?"_

_"Yea...I'm fine."_

_"Full honesty Ana..."_

_"I'm just worried about Isaac."_

_"That's not completely it, you like you're in pain."_

_"A little...one of the cops roughed me up but Pa saw them and is going to file charges."_

_"Let me see."_

_"Right now?"_

_"Yes."_

I stood up and then lifted up my shirt...the bruises had gotten dark some of them were almost black from what I had seen in the pictures that Damariz had taken.

_"Oh my...Ana...you need to get checked out."_

* * *

><p>The nurse started to walk over and I quickly dropped my shirt.<p>

I shook at my head at Britt because I really just wanted to move past this but I knew better to think she would stay quiet.

_"Nurse Becky? Can you page Dr. Jindahl?"_

The nurse simply nodded and left the room.

I sat down and looked back at Britt pleading for her to drop this but I knew she wouldn't.

_"B, I'm fine."_

_"No you're not. You wince when you breathe just like Isaac and you have been doing it since the courtroom."_

_"I have?"_

_"Yes. I know you Ana. I know everything about you. This reminds of when Aden was alive." _

I felt a chill run through me at the mention of my father's name and a reminder of the pain he had caused.

The buzzer on the breathing machine dings and the nurse took back Isaac.

He was sleeping peacefully as she put him back in the glass box thing.

I was so happy that I was out so that I could focus on his recovery as well as mine.

* * *

><p><em>"Santana? Brittany? Is everything alright?"<em> Dr. Jindahl poked his head into the room.

_"Hey doc...The wife here paged you to check me out."_

_"Well come along then."_

Britt placed a hand in mine as we followed my doctor out if the NICU.

What a turn around from the last time we left the hospital ward together.

My stomach was hurting the more I walked but I had just been ignoring it the best I could but that apparently hadn't been working well.

Now though I was starting to agree with Britt that I definitely should be checking it out.

_"Okay, so why don't you tell me what's going on?"_

I sat on the examining table and crossed my arms over my stomach.

_"I got arrested last night."_

_"I see...because of the drugs."_

_"Yes...something like that."_

_"So what happened?"_

_"One of the cops roughed me up this morning."_

_"Male or female?"_

_"Male...he punched me repeatedly in my stomach."_

_"Did you file a report?"_

_"Yes."  
><em>

_"Okay Santana can you take off your shirt for me?"_

I pushed past the burning in my gut and tried to raise my shirt but couldn't bear the pain.

_"Shit!"_ I couldn't lift it and began to gasp for air. _"B?"_

Britt saw my distress and quickly rushed over to help peel my shirt off.

I let out a hiss as I put my arms back down.

B had her damn lip between her teeth as she looked down at me.

_"Okay lie back for me."_

After I laid flat on my back Dr.

Jindahl came over to me and started to press in places and I couldn't help but cry out every time.

_"Doc you're killing me!"_

_"I'm going to send you for a chest x-ray. Is there any chance you might be pregnant?"_ I looked at him and then over at B.

_"Possibly a...slight chance"_ I whispered.

Britt pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and kept blinking.

I knew that she was trying not to cry.

_"Was this planned?"_

_"I cheated on Britt and we didn't use any protection."_

_"When was this?"_

_"Friday."_

_"Okay, I suggest you follow-up and get a test in the next couple of weeks."_

_"Okay."_

_"What about drug usage?"_

_"Not since Saturday."_

_"So two days then."_

_"Yes."_

_"Have you given any thought to rehab?"_

_"Some."_

_"I'd like you to think seriously about it."_

_"I will."_

_"Good! Okay well let's get you checked out."_

* * *

><p>After the painful x-ray, Britt and I sat in the exam room while Dr. Jindahl went to check on another patient.<p>

She hadn't spoken since before the whole pregnancy thing and I really wanted to see where her head was in all of this.

I knew that I should have spoken up sooner but it hadn't come up at all and I had totally forgotten about it until Dr. Jindahl asked.

_"Honesty B."_

_"So, you think you're pregnant?"_

_"It's too soon to tell."_

_"What happens if you are?"_

_"Nothing will change between us B, I promise."_

_"I'm scared...how could we possibly take care of another baby with Isaac being so sick?"_

_"B its okay...we will deal with this just like everything else...one step at a time."_

_"Does Ian know?"_

_"Well...he was there, B. I don't think it would shock him."_

_"Yea..."_

_"B...please don't worry! Please?"_

_"Okay. okay...I won't."  
><em>

* * *

><p>After leaving the hospital B drove us to my mother's house since my sisters had all flown in to be by my side.<p>

I was so sore as I walked stiffly with my hand in Britt's. Dr. Jindahl told me to take it easy if I could.

I had refused medicine so I was doing my best to just take it slow.

When we walked in B threw herself in front of me as people were running up for hugs.

_"She has two cracked ribs...don't hug too hard!"_

Everyone froze including Sal who stood next to my mom in the kitchen.

_"How did that happen? You were fine this morning!"_ Celia said as she made her way over to me.

_"Dumb cop roughed me up."_

_"Sal, we can't let them get away with it!"_ my mother said gesturing towards me.

_"No worries, Captain Rivera already knows, we took pictures at the station and there is a police report."_

Even with Sal explaining away the issue my family continued to go back and forth over what happened and what need to be done.

I held my hands up as everyone started yelling about me being just a little woman and I had enough.

_"Stop! Padrino is looking into, internal affairs is coming in tonight."_

Just please leave it to him. I don't want to fight with them, honestly, I just want to graduate and get out of Lima for good."

* * *

><p>Dinner was a quiet affair for once. Damariz kept shooting me looks every time I cringed, finally she had enough and I was forced to bring up another topic I didn't wish to discuss.<p>

_"Why didn't you get medication, Ana?"_

_"I'm trying to stay sober."_

_"You've been sober since December...right?"_

_"No."_ the uproar was immediate. Then my mom spoke up.

_"Mija when was the last time?"_

_"Saturday."_ there was even more yelling after that...I was so tired, so I leaned over to B.

_"Take me home...please?"_ I was near tears and just wanted the peace and quiet that only existed in my apartment. Britt turned pink as she looked at me and placed a hand on top of mine. I looked in her eyes and could see the anxiousness. _"What is it, B?"_

_"We um...we got evicted. The cops um broke the door down looking for you while we were gone and the landlord said it was the straw that ate the camel...we have to get out stuff all out by tomorrow. He is going to give you a check for the balance."_

I sat there staring down at my plate as the whole room disappeared...I could feel the anger bubbling under the surface.

_"Where did you sleep last night?"_

_"At Rachel's"_

I slammed my fists down the table and immediately cried out in pain.

The room suddenly went quiet as I sat there somewhere between pain and anger.

_"This is bullshit! I paid that cabron nine thousand dollars! There is one month left on the lease! Where are we supposed to live?"_

_"Aqui mija, what's wrong with here? Your Papi can't torment you anymore... just come home...you and Brittany."_

_"Really Gladys! You hear that Ana? Problem solved!" _Britt squealed.

I looked at my mom and then Britt and could see the delight on their faces and so I just went along with it.

It was one month, right?

I lived with my mom for eighteen years, I could certainly last a month.

I let out a pained breath and nodded in agreement.

_"Okay. Thank you Mami."_

The smile on my mother's face was worth a thousand tears.

I didn't get to see her smile often but when she did it lit up my world.

Sal insisted that he would go pick up the check personally while helping to move my stuff.

For such a crotchety man he was sweet as pie. He went on to call Ian, Noah and even Felix to go over there and help out.

I wanted to go curse out the landlord myself but my mother insisted I stay behind while B and my sisters headed out to move out stuff with Sal.

I closed my eyes and just tried to breathe.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I know, I know...I pick on Santana a lot but I want to be realistic. Don't worry...I am going to let up on her _a little_ in the next couple chapters...I promise!**

**-A**


	62. Chapter 62:Trust

**Chapter 62: Trust (Keyshia Cole ft. Monica)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>I closed my eyes and just tried to breathe.<em>**

* * *

><p>When everyone was gone and I got over my hissy fit at the dining room table, which Mami left the room to let me have on my own, I walked into the kitchen feeling marginally better.<p>

Mami sat at the island drinking coffee and reading a book with her old lady reading glasses on.

_"Mami, you are so adorable sometimes."_

_"Sometimes? I'm adorable ALL the time...get it straight!"_

_"And you say my cockiness comes from Papi!"_

_"Come sit with me and talk for a second."_

_"Okay...can I have cafe too?"_

She got up from her seat and prepared a cup of café con leche for me.

I finally sat down on one of the stools after struggling to climb up, times like this I'm glad that Mami had chosen bar stools that had backs to them.

She handed me my coffee and then sat back across from me and closed her book.

* * *

><p><em>"So...you and Brittany made up?"<em>

_"Yes."_

_"Good."_

_"Yea...its great, we are working on trusting each other again."_

_"You'll get there. Now I wanted to talk to you about something important."_

_"Okay."_

_"I went to see Isaac early this morning and he wasn't doing so well."_

_"I know."_

_"Hear me out...I know seeing him this way makes you realize the big mistake that you made. I just want to be certain that you won't be doing it again. I'm not judging you because Lord knows when he is old enough, you have to be honest with him and tell him what you did and I just hope that he is forgiving like me and not vengeful like you and your father."_

_"Mami, I-"_

_"I'm not done. I know that you want to leave Lima as soon as you can and get out to the city. I know that you think that you are going to be able to conquer the world and mija trust me when I say that I hope you do it with grace, looking amazing like me, and do it in stilettos. You have what it takes to be somebody big, somebody important but if you don't start loving yourself the way I love you or the way Brittany loves you...you are going to fall back into your old ways fast. That's not what I want for you and Brittany and especially not for Isaac."_

_"I agree with you Mami. I know what I have done and I am still trying to forgive myself-"_

_"The time for that is passed. You will begin to forgive yourself naturally. As you take care of Isaac and raise him up right you will start to see that it is his forgiveness and love that you need more than anything. Love yourself and you will be able to love your wife and son better. So no more sleeping around, no more drugs and please just try to stay out of trouble!"_

_"I will."_

_"Good, now let's go upstairs...I have something that should help with the pain."_

* * *

><p>Mami ran a hot bath for me and then put some herbs in the water and then had me sit in there.<p>

It was like sitting in a tub of icy hot.

Most people would be embarrassed with their mother sitting in the bathroom with them while they bathed but she had raised me to be so comfortable with my body that it didn't phase me.

Besides...try getting out of a deep jacuzzi tub with cracked ribs and then tell me you wouldn't have someone helping you!

Mami sat on a bench and talked to me about my family that she had spent the last year flying around the country to see.

I heard about cousins and people who I didn't know from a hole in the wall.

I loved closing my eyes and listening to her speak to me, it made me feel important to her, like I was her best girlfriend or something.

I loved it.

After successfully getting me out of the tub and then rubbing me down with a towel, I stood at her bathroom sink while she rubbed some old Puerto Rican remedy on my ribs.

The ache subsided a little and turned into a tingle.

My stomach hurt to the touch but as I stood there fresh out of a hot bath and allowed my mom to take care of me just like I had always wanted.

I was dressed in one of my father's old button down shirts, lying across my mom's bed with my head in her lap as she rubbed my head and then began to talk about us.

* * *

><p><em>"I know I wasn't always there for you when you needed me Santana but I want you to know that I am here now. I want to be in your life...I'm glad you are coming home for a little while."<em>

_"Yea? You don't think I failed?"_

_"No...You are just like you're father so afraid to fail, so afraid to let people help you."_

_"I know."_

_"I know that you and Brittany have been having problems, I know about her and that girl."_

_"How do you know?"_

_"Because Brittany tells her mother everything and her mother tells me since I know you won't."_

_"So you know about Friday night then?"_

_"With that boy?"_

_"Ian."_

_"Yes...I know about that."_

_"Are you ashamed of me?"_

_"I could never be ashamed...disappointed sometimes but never ashamed."_

_"I didn't use a condom."_

_"So you might get pregnant again?"_

_"Possibly."_

_"How does Brittany feel about this?"_

_"She isn't happy about me doing that with Ian and she is worried that this will ruin our relationship."_

_"What do you think?"_

_"I'm thinking that I wouldn't mind. I want my own family more than anything and after all the things that happened this year I'm not sure I want to be a lawyer. Is that what happened with you?"_

_"Getting my law degree opened a lot of doors for me but I don't regret staying home with you your first few years either."_

_"I just want to be home with Isaac."_

_"So are you shelving Columbia?"_

_"I'm not sure."_

_"You have plenty of people to help you take care of him."_

_"He's just really sick...I did that to him, I can't let him suffer through that and I'm off somewhere."_

_"So maybe take a year off. You can afford to do it...there are girls out there that wish they had the luxury."_

_"Yea, I know you're right."_

_"I know."_

_"Would you want to move to New York with us, Mami?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"Promise me you'll think about it?"_

_"I promise...now try to rest."_

I closed my eyes and drifted into a half sleep.

I definitely had a lot to think about.

Seeing Isaac so sick made me just want to be with him and take care of him full-time.

I wanted so much for him and if there was another baby on the horizon, I definitely wanted to be home.

I wouldn't be my parents.

I wanted to be present in my kid's life...always.

* * *

><p>I woke up hours later in my bed with B snoring lightly in my ear.<p>

She must have carried me to bed when she got home.

The sting in my ribs had decreased significantly, although it still hurt to breath.

I pulled Britt's arms tighter around me and tried to go back to sleep but my mind was racing.

_"Ana? You ok?"_ Britt mumbled into my ear nearly scaring me half to death.

_"Sorry I woke you."_

_"Its okay. I wanted to check on you anyway. Everything with the move went well. The guys helped me paint Isaac's room back to white. A lot of the furniture and stuff is in storage."_

_"Thanks for doing that."_

_"Absolutely. I got your money back and Sandra got Johnny's money back too. That guys lost out on a lot of money!"_

_"His loss, asshole." _

_"So what has you up at this hour baby?"_

_"What would you think of me waiting a year or two before I go to school?"_

_"If that's what you want to do, then I think you should do it."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Isaac needs around the clock care and everyone has been saying how when he is with you he is the best."_

_"Yea...I think that's what I'm going to do."_

_"Okay. Well, um...are we still going to New York then?"_

_"Why wouldn't we...you are still going to Julliard...right? Have you decided?"_

_"What if this is my only chance? What if this tour is the thing that opens doors for me? I mean Julliard is the chance of a lifetime but so is this tour."_

_"Do you want to go on the tour?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Will they still take you?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then go."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes. I know this means a lot to you...go."_

_"What about you and Isaac?"_

_"I will have Quinn and Sandra...I can also probably convince my mom to come stay with us."_

_"And Ian?"_

_"What about him?"_

_"He will be right at Julliard if you need him. I'm okay with it now."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes. I know we are forever and nothing will change that."_

_"Ok."_

_"I'm excited...I'm going to miss you and Isaac so much but we can Skype everyday that I'm free."_

_"B?"_

_"Yea...do you think anything will happen between you and Frankie?"_

_"No. I'm done with that. With her. Always and only you Ana."_

I smiled huge and snuggled closer to B. Despite the shitty weekend...some definite progress had been made in my relationship and some serious decisions were about to change my future.

* * *

><p>The two weeks that followed my move back to my mom's were uneventful.<p>

I went to school, I watched B practice and get ready for Nationals with the Cheerios and I was actually enjoying be back at home.

After school each day, B and I would go spend a few hours with Isaac and then we would head home and Mami would have dinner waiting for us.

It felt good to eat dinner as a family.

A few time we had come home to see Britt's parents and sister at the table waiting for us.

Most night though it was just the three of us.

_"How's Isaac today?"_ Mami asked after we said grace.

_"He didn't have to take any breathing treatments for the last four days so he is definitely getting better!" _B said.

_"Yea, Mami, the doctor's have moved him back to the nursery and he will probably come home next week."_

_"Excellen__t and you had your appointment with Dr. Jindahl? How are you're ribs progressing?"_

_"Better when he asked me how I was healing so fast I told him that you had a remedy that was doing wonders, he says that being married to a doctor must have rubbed off on you."_

_"He's probably right."_

_"So Mami, have you given any thought to New York?"_

_"I have and I think that I will come at the end of August so that you and Brittany can have that time together. Quinn isn't moving in until then either right?"_

_"Yup."_

_"Well then you that's what I will do. Sound like a plan?"_

_"Absolutely Gladys!"_ B bounced in her seat and I couldn't help but bounce in my seat a little too.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would be so excited about my mother coming to live with me but I've obviously matured because now it was the most exciting news in the world.

* * *

><p>It was on a Friday, the week before prom when things started to pick up again.<p>

Quinn had gotten the cast off her leg a day to late and the Cheerios ended up losing Nationals.

Not having to deal with Sue meant that she had more time to go off and make out with Rachel.

The Cheerios had placed second in the overall competition and still walked away with something but for Sue that wasn't good enough so even though the season was over the girls still had to endure hour-long practices the whole week after losing, after school rerunning the drill that had lost the championship.

Britt was coming home every night exhausted and sore and so Mami had started to rub her miracle remedy on Britt's legs.

She was so excited that today was the last day of these drills and that she wouldn't have to worry about the Cheerios anymore.

I was sitting on the bleachers with Britt's stuff trying my best to tune out Sue and her megaphone.

I had been into an insane game of Draw Something against Ian from B's phone a text message popped up.

Normally when I check her texts messages they are from Rachel or her mom but today it was someone totally different.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Hey B-Lo! lol, its Frankie...heard u r coming on tour after all good 4 u. Glad da wife isn't being a bitch 4 once. Can't wait 2 c u! Xoxoxo-F.R.<em>**

I reread the message over and over until it became nothing but a blurry image.

I felt the rims of my eyes burning as I wiped angrily at the tears that were beginning to come down.

I felt stupid for crying.

_"Hey...that my phone?"_ B stood above me with an anxious look on her face.

Almost like she felt guilty...maybe it was my tears.

_"You got a text from Frankie."_

_"Oh."_ she held her hand out and I handed her the phone.

_"Sorry that I read it."_

_"That's okay...I would have told you about it anyway...we promised to be honest."_

_"Are you going to read it?"_

She sat down beside me, straddling the bleacher and put her head on my shoulder.

_"Not until I make sure that my wife is okay. You are more important than any text I could ever get from her."_

I looked at her and smiled.

_"You mean that?"_

_"Absolutely! Does it say something that upset you?"_

_"Yes...no...Maybe? I'm just emotional today. I think it w_as _seeing you go off to Nationals without me on Monday and then knowing that if I was there we would have won. I could have pulled off that move flawlessly. Plus there's Isaac."_

_"You should be excited about that! When do we pick him up?"_

_"Tonight, whenever you are ready."_

_"I'm ready now. Come on let's go."_ she said standing up and tossing both our backpacks over her shoulders.

_"Read the message B."_ I said not even bothering to stand up. _"If you don't read it then its all I'm going to think about and I don't want to think about her when I pick up Isaac."_

_"Fine."_ B unlocked her phone screen and then read the message and then quickly sent a message off in response. Her phone dinged immediately and I could see her face scrunch up in anger while she sent another message off and then promptly turned her phone on silent and shoved it in the back pocket of her jeans. _"You ready?"_ she said with a deep sigh and a forced smile.

_"I wanted to do something first if you don't mind?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

><p>We climbed in the convertible, this was the first time that I drove in a while with my ribs still sore from time to time.<p>

I didn't want to tell Britt where we were going because I knew she would try to talk me out of it but I had made an executive decision and I hope she supported me.

I glanced at her as I turned down main street and drove past the hospital and out onto the highway.

Britt looked over at me with a confused expression.

_"Where are we going, Ana?"_

_"You'll see."_

We drove a little further and I tried not to look to the side as we passed the pull of to the woods.

That part of my life was over now, which was exactly what prompted this little trip.

I pulled off the highway and drove a couple more miles and then I saw it.

I pulled onto the car lot and my mother's baby brother Gene was waiting for me as we pulled up.

I stepped out the car and hugged him tight.

_"Tio!"_

_"How is my favorite niece?"_

_"Good...Tio. Tio Gene this is my wife Brittany... I told you about her earlier."_

_"Wow she is hot!"_

Britt was blushing as we stood there talking about her like she couldn't hear us.

_"Thanks...what are we doing here Ana?"_ she finally said shyly and then linked her pinky with mine.

_"I'm trading my car in."_

_"What? You love that car."_

_"I do...Tio here has been trying to convince me to keep it but I don't want it. Too many bad memories plus a carseat doesn't fit. Is my car ready?"_

_"Yes."_

I had been back and forth on the phone all day about my new black on black BMW x6.

I wanted tinted windows and for it to be fully loaded and insisted that I trade in the convertible despite it being less than a year old.

When Tio walked me to my new car and handed me the keys I nearly passed out.

I traded in my car and then paid the rest outright.

I never unlinked my pinky from Britt's as we filled out all the paperwork.

It felt so good to walk away from a car that symbolized the height of addiction for me.

I had done lines of coke off of every available surface and I had sex in the back seat with Marco...it was just not a place I wanted my son.

This was the beginning of a new chapter...one based on family and love.

I wanted to put my son in a place that was clean and comfortable.

I didn't want to put him anywhere that I had memories of bad things because he was too important.

_"I can't believe that you are letting me drive this before you!"_

_"How does it feel?"_

_"Amazing...makes my dumpy pickup truck seem like scrap metal."_

_"Well I put your name on the title so this is really our car."_

_"Really? Not just yours like the convertible?"_

_"Yep, yours and mind. Now let's go get our son."_

* * *

><p>We stopped by the house to pick up Isaac's carseat and my mom.<p>

I hadn't told anyone about my trade in but Tio so when Mami saw the car she was jumping up and down just like I had when I first saw it in person.

I let her ride up front with Britt and mess with all the button's and compartments not having any fear that something would accidentally appear.

It felt refreshing.

When we got to the hospital, Ian was already there waiting for us. He had already dressed Isaac like I had asked him to and seemed just as anxious as we were.

B and I had gone back and forth a zillion times about how involved we wanted him and whether we wanted him to be there when we brought Isaac home.

She got through the jealously and realized how much Ian meant to me and to this family, he gave us Isaac, he was there for him when we couldn't be.

We were insanely grateful for him so the choice was clear.

When I picked up Isaac and held him close to me his little face lit up.

His little dimples stood out and that made his face look even cuter, although I wasn't sure that was possible.

I was in love with him and knew in that moment that taking a year off was the best decision I could ever make for him.

_"My grandson is so handsome."_

_"He sure is!"_

_"And he is breathing so much better."_

_"Lets go Mami. Lets take him home!"  
><em>

Mami was practically beaming as she held Isaac.

This was her first grandchild and she had already warned me that she intended to spoil him.

* * *

><p>Ian and Mami rode in the front seat while B and I rode in the backseat with Isaac with our fingers laced together as we watched him sleep.<p>

_"This is so amazing. It felt like he was never coming home."_

_"Yes longest month and a half of my life. Did you make sure to grab his machine and his medicine, B?"_

_"Yes. The nurses wrote out a schedule for him too."_

_"Good. I'm nervous about tonight...this is our first night with him."_

_"Thankfully Gladys and Ian will both be there just in case we need them and then tomorrow when Ian goes to work Q is coming over."_

_"I know it's an excited kind of nervous."_

* * *

><p>We hadn't bothered to create a nursery like we had at the apartment since we planned to move in a month so we just put the crib in our bedroom and moved the dresser into my walk-in closet.<p>

B had cleared out all the unnecessary junk from the room and it was the cleanest I had ever seen it.

Mami was thrilled!

Once we were settled and Ian laid Isaac down in the crib, the three of us just stood there watching him sleep, Ian had his arms thrown over our shoulders and I laughed to myself when I realized that we were both leaning on him.

What a long way we have come!

_"You ladies are going to be amazing at this. I won't be in your way much while I'm here, Gladys has me doing some **man** chores around the house so I'm going to head out and cut the grass. She does anyone can do this stuff right?"_

_"Ha! I knew it, She usually gets Noah or Johnny when they're here. My dad never let her take out trash, clean toilets, or any kind of hard labor. She's conditioned that way now."_

_"So she gets a pro football player to take her trash out?"_

_"Yep. No guy is exempt. Don't worry she will probably make you a big man dinner."_

_"Then I better go." _He said excitedly.

Ian squeezed us tight and then kissed our heads before quietly running from the room excited about the dinner that he would receive for a job well done.

B moved closer to me and wrapped an arm around my waist.

She smiled at me and I leaned in and kissed her.

I pulled her flush against me and made the kiss even deeper.

She moaned when I sucked her lip in between my teeth.

Isaac began to cry just as it was getting good.

_"Cockblock."_ I muttered playfully.

_"Hey! Language! Don't listen to her Izzy. Mami is just cranky!"_ B picked him up and took him to the changing table. _"Wow! He filled his diaper! Do you want to change him?"_

_"Nope. You are on diaper duty until you leave in September."_

_"Oh...I guess that's fair."_ I plopped down on the bed and watched as she cleaned him. I saw it before she did and didn't have a chance to warn her. Britt stood horrified as a stream of piss hit her in the face._ "Ugh! Izzy? That's gross."_

Britt took a baby wipe and ran it down her face.

She had just learned a valuable lesson.

I snickered and she stuck her tongue out at me.

_"Hey pay attention before he does it again!"_

I barked out in laughter as she turned back to him and glared while rushing through changing him.

_"He better not or he is so grounded!"_

_"You told me that you can't punish a baby."_

_"Watch me!"_ she said winking at me.

In that moment as I watched her lovingly pamper our son and then feed him, I think I was happier than I had ever been before...but you know how it goes...calm before storms.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The End...or is it? Haha...who knows these days. I think I'm coming close to the end...I'm stopping at 65 no matter what happens. **

**-A**


	63. Chapter 63:Torn

**Chapter 63: Torn (Natalie Imbruglia)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>In that moment as I watched her lovingly pamper our son and then feed him, I think I was happier than I had ever been before...but you know how it goes...calm before storms.<em>**

* * *

><p><em>"Ana?"<em>

I was sitting in the glider with a sleeping Isaac on my chest, nose deep in a book when B came bursting in the room.

The door thumped loudly against the wall scaring the baby and causing him to scream.

I threw down the book and rushed to rub Isaac's back because when he cried too hard he ended up having an asthma attack which I wanted to avoid at all costs.

_"Brittany!"_ I yelled out as she stood there chest heaving with a look of guilt on her face. _"What is it, you woke up Isaac, is it important?"_

Although I had asked her a question I didn't wait for her to answer as I got up and started pacing back and forth trying to calm Isaac down.

I tried singing and talking but he kept crying and wheezing.

Britt kept trying to speak but I was humming to Isaac and not really paying attention her because he was starting to calm down considerably.

Finally Britt gave up trying to speak and just stormed from the room in frustration.

I had been feeling sick for days, I was irritable, I had a migraine and I just wanted to relax which was why I had sent Britt to go hang out with her dad for a while but apparently she didn't seem to get the hint.

* * *

><p>After a few minutes of humming and rocking him, I finally got Isaac back to sleep, thankfully.<p>

I hadn't meant to ignore B but Isaac was having a cranky day and so I just wanted to get him resting and attack free especially since he was totally off schedule yesterday with all the visitors that had come by to see him.

I put him down in his crib and then I went in search of my wife.

I searched the downstairs first since the tv in the family room had become her new best friend but the rooms downstairs where empty so I made my way back upstairs since her truck was still outside.

I poked my head into Mami's room when I heard whimpering coming from that direction.

Britt lay across my mom's bed crying into her lap.

My mom looked up at me as she rubbed Britt's back and waved me over.

I suddenly felt insanely guilty for yelling at Britt, obviously it had been important if she was now in tears.

I sat on the edge of the bed and placed my hand on her foot.

_"Britt? Sweetie, are you okay?"_

_"No!"_ she screamed out.

I could see that my mom wanted out of this awkward situation so I walked around the bed and nudged her to get up so we could switch places.

Mami kissed my cheek happily and then ran a light hand over Britt's head before walking towards the door.

_"I'll go sit with Isaac."_ she whispered before heading out the door and closing it.

I rubbed Britt's back and she just waited for her to say something and I fell asleep waiting.

* * *

><p>I was awakened by Britt's warm soft lips on mine.<p>

Stolen kisses like these were the only ones that we had been sharing lately.

I had been so exhausted after dealing with a sick baby that I hadn't had time to nap or pay Britt much attention.

_"Ana?"_ she whispered in my ear.

_"Ummm...five more minutes?"_

_"We don't have time...I need you to wake up so that we can talk about this."_

I kept my eyes clenched shut trying to fall back asleep and avoid whatever had brought Britt to tears and surely would bring me to anger.

She however reached a hand behind my neck and kissed me harder taking my breath away.

_"What is it, B?"_

_"Frankie."_

My eyes popped open and I sat up suddenly alert and wide awake.

Britt sat there with the saddest face that I had ever seen but I on the other hand was fucking annoyed.

I didn't want to waste another minute of my life worried about this girl and her games.

I had been through so much this past year and just felt like I deserved to relax, I deserved my peace but Britt had other plans.

_"What about her?"_

_"She's here."_

_"What? Here, where?"_

_"In Lima."_

_"Why the fuck is she here?"_ I said looking at B in disgust.

_"She came to see me. She is staying over at the B & B on Main Street for a few days."_

_"Why does she need to see you...you broke it off with her right?"_

Britt looked down at her hands that rested at the center of her crossed legs, shrugged her shoulders and then looked up at me with fresh tears in her eyes.

_"Kind of."_

_"What do you mean kind of?"_ I tried to keep my voice low and calm trying my best to hear her out but that can be so hard to do when I'm tired and sick.

_"I just stopped responding to her messages and phone calls. Then she texted on Friday...you saw that. When I wrote her back to say that it was over she said too late that she was here already. So I told her to get lost...go back to New York. I thought she would leave."_

_"But she didn't right? Now she won't leave."_

_"I was at the duck pond running trying to give you extra time to relax before I came home and there she was running with me."_

_"Today?"_ my voice got a little louder.

_"Yes. I rushed right home to tell you."_

_"Why didn't you tell me on Friday, B?"_

_"You were crying and then you got the new car and we picked up Isaac...everything was so peaceful. I didn't want to ruin it."_

* * *

><p>I looked up at B and went to say something when I heard my mom yell for me, I froze a second waiting for Isaac's cry but didn't hear it so I nearly re-cracked my ribs running down the hallway trying to get to them.<p>

I swung into the door way and Mami was pacing with him.

_"He's wheezing really bad."_ she said softly to me. _"He is falling back to sleep but he sounds terrible. You should take him back to the hospital."_

_"No. Hand him here."_

I knew that I was being stubborn but I didn't want him to have to go back he had only been home two days.

_"Listen to me mija...he needs to go back. Don't be selfish. Don't let him down because you are too stubborn to see he is very sick and he's burning up."_

I placed my hand on his little body and he felt iron hot.

_"Okay. I'll call the doctor, can you get him the car seat?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

><p>I walked back into Mami's bedroom to get Britt since she hadn't followed me into the room but she was gone.<p>

Fuck!

I didn't want to do this alone, she was supposed to support me in this kind of situation...right?

I called the doctor and let him know what was going on and he agreed that Isaac should come back into the hospital as soon as possible.

I walked around the house doing a sweep of the family room again and still couldn't find B.

Finally I looked out onto the driveway and could see that her truck was gone.

Had she really just left even with me running out the room so panicked?

I knew this had to do with Frankie but at that moment nothing else mattered more than my son.

_"Where's Brittany?"_ Mami said as she came down the steps carrying the car seat.

_"She left...I don't know where to but I can't worry about that right now._

I still had sore ribs and I was shaking badly so Mami decided that she would drive.

I smiled at her nervously and handed her the keys.

I used to be so good under pressure...but so much had fucked with my mind and my nerves.

I knew apart of it was the exhaustion and the cold...I just needed Isaac to feel better so that I could feel better.

* * *

><p><strong><em>You home?-Ana<em>**

**_Yea...everything okay?-Ian_**

**_Meet me at the hospital...he's really sick.-Ana_**

**_On my way-Ian_**

**_B, I'm taking Izzy to the hospital. Where are you?-Ana_**

* * *

><p>In the time it took Mamí to drive to the hospital I still didn't hear from Britt, even though I called her and left her four messages.<p>

I sat in the back seat with Isaac and tried my best to soothe him.

Britt had always been better at keeping him from tears and right then it would be amazing if she was with me.

I had to stop thinking about her and Frankie but I couldn't and it was making me even angrier.

When we got the hospital Ian was waiting with Isaac's doctor at the main entrance.

The sight of him standing there as my eternal knight I calmed down considerably and didn't want to kill my wife.

I was happy that I had thought to text him, at times like these you need anyone to help you stay afloat and Britt was not fitting the bill so I found someone who could...temporarily of course.

I didn't realize I had been crying until Ian reached out and wiped my face with a tissue.

_"He's going to fine Mami okay?"_

_"I know...its just...ugh! I'm just tired...okay?"_

_"I understand...lets just get him checked out and you will feel much better."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

><p>As we walked inside and I didn't see her anywhere I put a hand on Ian's arm.<p>

_"Hey, have you seen Britt by any chance?"_

_"No was she supposed to meet me here?"_

_"I'm just checking, she probably just got caught up doing something."_ or someone.

The thought crossed my mind and I felt my stomach drop.

I tried my best to ignore the inkling in my gut and just focused on Isaac.

The three of us followed the doctor as he checked on Isaac's breathing.

_"I am going to take him upstairs for tests...I can bring one of you."_

I was trembling as I stepped forward.

I looked back at my mom and she just smiled.

_"We will wait for you okay?"_

Watching the doctors x-ray my little baby and then immediately start hooking up to machines to him almost killed me.

I didn't feel like I could ever forgive myself for the pain that I had caused him.

He is supposed to be happy and healthy but at almost two months old he had spent more time hooked up to machines than in my arms.

That isn't how things are supposed to be.

The doctor kept scribbling things down and then looking back at me...did he know this was my fault?

Was it common knowledge?

_"So are you admitting him?"_ I asked the doctor as we headed upstairs from his x-ray.

_"It looks like he has developed pneumonia so yes, most likely. We are going to get him up to the NICU and start him on a round of antibiotics and breathing treatments."_

I walked stiffly beside the doctor wishing that Britt was with me or that my father was here.

I needed a friend, companion.

I smiled at Nurse Becky when she picked up Isaac and she was the first person to soothe my fears and tell me what to expect.

She had become like apart of the family and I was glad that we came in during her shift because she was my favorite and I'm convinced Isaac was her favorite patient.

_"He's going to be fine Santana this happens with preemies sometimes but he will recover in about a week hopefully."_

_"This is...was it something I did wrong? Could I have done anything differently?"_

_"This kind of thing just happens. He went from a completely sterile environment to the real world. It's okay."_

She got him swaddled up and then began to start all of his machines.

she looked down at him admiringly and made this clicking noise with her tongue that made him smile.

I had to learn how to do that and try it myself.

After he was set up I sat there in the rocker with my hand resting on his little foot.

_"Do you want me to get your wife? Is she here?"_

_"No...If you see Ian though..."_ I trailed off not knowing whether B had shown, feeling like she should be here over Ian. _"No one just now. Thanks."_

_"Okay."_

I turned back to Isaac and watched his eyes dance around.

He always seemed fascinated with the air.

Britt says that he already has an imaginary friend and Ian says it's a ghost...I'd like to believe it's my dad.

He had always wanted a son so a grandson would have been amazing to him.

* * *

><p><em>"Penny for your thoughts?"<em> a scratchy voice said from behind me.

I didn't want to look at her right now because I was afraid of what I might see in her eyes or what I might say once I looked at her.

_"Where have you been B?"_

_"You know where."_

_"I want to hear you say it."_ I said through gritted teeth.

_"I thought if I told her face to face that we were through that she would get it."_

_"Yea? How did that go Brittany?"_ I smiled when I saw Isaac's eyes light up just before he drifted off to sleep.

_"Do you really want to talk about this right now?"_

_"No actually I would just prefer it if you left."_

_"Well tough cuz I'm not leaving."_ she sat on the bench next to me and leaned over Isaac.

That's when I smelled it.

_"Is that weed I smell?"_ I snapped my head in her direction but she was ignoring me now. _"Look at me." _

I faintly smelled something else on her but I didn't want to believe that she had literally left me to go and do that.

She couldn't be that cold...that selfish...could she?

I leaned in and kissed Isaac.

_"Okay nene, I will come see you later okay. Mami loves you!"_

_"You're leaving?"_

_"We both are."_ I gripped her arm harder than I meant to and ripped her up from the bench._"Let's go." _

I held tight to her jacket and marched us straight out of NICU.

* * *

><p>Once we were out in the hallway, I pushed her up against the wall and then grabbed her chin and forced her to look at me.<p>

Her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks were pink.

_"I can't believe you came to see him like this. All the times you kept me away and here you are...what makes you so damned special?"_

She was staring through me with glassy eyes and it made me violently angry.

Was I like this?

Was this what made her so angry all the time?

There was fire in my veins.

_"Go home Brittany."_

_"No!"_ she said as she pulled away from me and tried to head back into the NICU.

_"Please?"_ I was begging her but she didn't want to bend...sometimes she was so fucking unbending that it hurt me to the very core of my being.

_"No Santana. I'm not leaving our son."_

I threw my hands up in frustration.

What more could I do...she was his guardian...I couldn't have her kicked out.

I needed some help.

I needed someone who she respected to get her to back off.

I needed someone who would talk me off the ledge.

So when she went back in I sat in the hallway scrolling through my phone.

* * *

><p><strong><em>I need your help...please?-S<em>**

**_What's going on?-Q_**

**_Come get Britt...-S_**

**_Where r u?-Q_**

**_The hospital...Isaac has pneumonia...she's here high-S_**

**_What?-Q_**

**_Yea...please?-S_**

**_B there soon-Q_**

* * *

><p>I sat there trying to get over my anger and frustration.<p>

I was trying not to let this get to me but I'm not entirely sure that was even possible anymore.

My head was pounding and I was feeling sick with worry over her and Isaac both.

I couldn't deal and I knew what I wanted...what I needed.

_"Hi mija."_ My urges were snapped as my mom sat down next to me and wrapped an arm around me. _"How is he?"_

_"It's pneumonia."_

_"So he's admitted?"_ Ian said, I hadn't even noticed him there.

I had forgotten that he was even at the hospital.

I was really becoming unhinged.

_"Yes. You can go in if you want to."_

_"Why aren't you in there?"_ he asked sounding confused.

_"Britt's in there with him."_ I whispered as I sat there like a statue, staring off in a daze.

_"So? He's your kid too. Go in there."_

_"Ian...please stop, okay? I just can't go in there right now."_

_"Why?"_ he was getting agitated.

_"I'll go back in when she leaves."_

Apparently that wasn't the answer that he wanted to hear because he stormed towards the NICU and swung the door open.

I didn't even budge.

I just sat there looking after him and could feel the tears choking me but I shoved the feeling back down not wanting to break down in the middle of the hallway.

* * *

><p><em>"Mija what is it?"<em>

_"Nothing."_

_"Nothing doesn't make you fight tears. What did Brittany do that has you so upset that you don't want to be near her?"_

_"She's high...I just can't-I can't deal with her right now Mamí, not on top of everything else!"_

I heard light footsteps coming down the hallway and I knew immediately, without even looking that Quinn had arrived.

I felt my nerves relax a little bit as I looked up at her.

_"Where is she?"_ she asked looking calm and collected as usual. _"Excuse my manners, hola Mama Gladys, You look great!"_ Mami smiled in response and whispered a polite thanks.

_"Britt's in there with Isaac and Ian."_

_"And you're out here? I don't think so."_

_"I just don't want to deal with her like this."_

_"Get up San. You shouldn't be out in this hallway...Brittany should be."_

_"And now she is."_ said Ian who was forcefully pushing Britt into the hallway.

She wasn't even putting up a fight, she just stood there looking like a fucking zombie.

I looked down at my hands and tried not to cry.

Was that me?

Mami stood up and pulled me up with her, she saw the doubts and guilt in my eyes and she wasn't having any of it.

_"Come on Ana, let's go in with the baby."_

I nodded and walked past Britt not even wanting to look at her.

I left Ian and Q to deal with her.

There are a lot of things that I am strong enough to take but Brittany being high was not one of them.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Two more to go...I'm torn. ****Thanks for the reviews...they make me remember that other people exist that think I'm not too terrible with their faves.**

**-A**


	64. Chapter 64:Forgive You

**Chapter 64:Forgive You (Kelly Clarkson)**

* * *

><p><strong><em>There are a lot of things that I am strong enough to take but Brittany being high was not one of them.<em>**

* * *

><p>Isaac was fast asleep and it sounded like he was breathing much easier.<p>

I sat back in the rocking chair and just watched my baby sleep.

_"She went to see that girl?"_ Mamí said as more of a statement than a question.

_"I guess so. I'm just trying to be calm and not trip about it too much but her coming to see Isaac like that with the smoke literally dripping from her clothes and smelling like sex. I'm just so ashamed of her right now. I'm trying to keep myself from saying stupid stuff to her right now."_

_"I understand."_

_"You do?"_

_"I kept your father from you when he was drunk...when I could but he always knew your schedule better than I did."_

_"Yea well he still got to me. I'm just worried...I mean if this is the influence that this girl has on Britt after two hours can you imagine her months and months at a time?"_

_"Do you think that she will be that irresponsible?"_

_"What's more irresponsible than what she just did?"_

My mother raised an eyebrow and then looked over at Isaac making me remember what was more irresponsible.

_"Don't be so quick to judge."_

_"I know, I know this is why I don't want to talk to her right now because I know that what I did was much worse! I'm the reason he is in here...I know what I did ok!"_ I was beginning to fucking cry.

Ugh.

_"Have you seen Dr. Jindahl?"_

_"No. Why?"_

_"You haven't been this back and forth with your emotions since you were pregnant with Isaac"_

_"I can't think about that right now."_

_"I think that you should be thinking about that. You have been sick, tired, irritable and weepy. You need to check it out."_

_"Maybe."_

_"And maybe this tour has too many red flags...maybe your marriage needs more time to mature before she leaves for two years."_

_"I already told her to go. I can't go back on my word."_

_"Well if there is another baby coming...maybe she won't want to miss that."_

_"I won't get my hopes up...I don't want her to feel obligated to stay because there may be another baby. Besides, I can do this on my own."_

_"But you shouldn't have to...why are you even married if you can't rely on your wife to be there for you?"_

_"She doesn't have to be...she didn't ask to be a teenage mother."_

_"But she proposed and knew what she was walking into with both eyes open. Stop giving her excuses. If Aden had asked me to take in his girls I would have done it without a second thought. He was my husband and I supported him and he supported me, that's how it's supposed to go."_

_"You're right."_

We sat with Isaac all afternoon and then Mami insisted that I go see Dr. Jindahl, since I was still weeping, while she drove Britt and her truck back home.

I was so thankful that Mami was taking Britt off my hands for a little while.

I still didn't want to be alone though, so Q ended up going with me to see the good doctor.

Ian wanted to go too but I made him follow my mom home just in case she needed help dealing with B.

* * *

><p><em>"I can't believe you might be pregnant again, San. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the two of you having sex in my shower, totally not cool by the way!"<em>

_"Well it happened, what's done is done, get over it."_

_"Is it weird that I'm kind of excited?"_

_"Absolutely...what is taking this test so frigging long?"_

_"San it's been like three minutes."_

_"Exactly!"_

* * *

><p>The good doctor walked into the room with his face focused on the clipboard.<p>

_"How's my favorite patient today?"_

_"Anxious and irritable!"_ Quinn said while laughing and slapping me on the back.

I scowled at her and crossed my arms over my chest.

I knew that I was glaring but I didn't care.

Sometimes Quinn can be so fucking rude.

I huffed in annoyance and then Dr. Jindahl looked up and flashed me a genuine smile.

_"Well?"_ I said nearly biting his head off.

_"Well Santana it looks like you and Ian are the most fertile people on the planet. You are a few weeks along...with a due date on Valentine's Day...ironic don't you think?"_

_"Too fucking ironic."_ I spat out feeling queasy suddenly.

_"Well hopefully you can stay healthy this time around. Plenty of fluids, low stress, you know the drill. You should monitor your diet or you will be right back to the diabetes...got it?"_

_"Thanks doc."_

_"Anytime. Keep that nose clean!"_ he said as he left the room.

I raised my middle finger and Q quickly slapped it down.

* * *

><p>I sat there clenching the edge of the bed and looking at Quinn.<p>

_"How do I tell B?"_

_"Be upfront and honest."_

_"She's going to hate me."_

_"I think you worry too much. I think she will be excited."_

_"I hope so."_

_"Do you want me to be with you when you tell her?"_

_"No...I don't want her to feel cornered."_

_"So what about school?"_

_"I decided that I'm going to wait a year and now maybe two years to start school."_

_"Oh...so what about me living with you?"_

_"I still want you there...I'll be home and you go out and live it up for me...ok?"_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Absolutely!"_

_"Okay good, you scared me!"_ we started walking down to the cars.

I noticed that Q had managed to park right next to me.

_"Q?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I love you."_

_"Aww San...I love you too."_

Q hugged me and then opened my car door for me.

She stood there and watched me buckle up before she shut my door and walked off to her own car.

Man, I love her!

* * *

><p>I drove around town for a little while before finally making it home that night. I had a lot to think about.<p>

My life was about to get even more interesting.

I would be a mother of two by the time I was twenty!

I never thought in a million years that would be me.

_"Bluetooth connected, who do you want to call?"_

_"Call papa bear."_

_"Calling papa bear."_

_"Hey Mamí, you okay?"_

_"Are you near my mom?"_

_"No, actually I'm laying here across your bed watching your wife sleep."_

_"That's creepy."_

_"It was at her request she wanted to make sure spiders weren't going to crawl in her brain and lay eggs or something."_

_"Oh...that's even creepier."_

_"How did the test go?"_

_"Passed with flying colors! I'm due on Valentine's Day."_

_"You're kidding?"_

_"So not joking right now."_

_"Wow...that's insane!"_

_"Yea...well I'm never sleeping with you again that's for sure!"_

_"Yea at this point if I even hug you...you might get pregnant."_

_"Who's pregnant?"_ I heard Britt say groggily.

_"Shit...don't you say another word. I have to tell her in person...just don't respond she will fall right back to sleep."_

_"Where are you?"_

_"Walking up the steps."_

_"Okay...well I'm hanging up then."_

Ian hopped up off the bed and met me at the bedroom door with a stupid smile on his face.

He leaned over and kissed my forehead and then ran a hand over my stomach.

_"Goodnight...my little baby factory." _he whispered. I stepped on his foot and he nearly fell over._ "Shit...sorry! I was just kidding"_

_"Not funny! Now go home...goodnight!"_

_"Goodnight."_

* * *

><p>Britt was laying in the bed in her stinky clothes...ugh!<p>

I shut my bedroom door and walked into the bathroom, turned on the shower and got out two towels.

I was hoping the sheets didn't smell because I really didn't want to change them.

After getting pj's for both of us I went over to her side of the bed and ran my hand up and down her back.

_"Britt Britt?"_

_"Hmmm?"_

_"Come take a shower."_

_"Sorry only with my wife."_ she mumbled.

_"I am your wife."_

_"Liar...Frankie...you can never be my wife."_ I smiled as I leaned in and kissed her lips.

I felt her lips turn into a smile as she recognized my luscious lips. "_Ana?"_

_"One and only. Get up and get naked with me."_ she peaked an eye open and then quickly shut it again.

_"Did I just call you Frankie?"_

_"Yes."_

_"That's embarrassing."_ she groaned and threw a her hand over her face.

_"Sure is."_

_"Are you mad?"_

_"Come get naked. I can never be too mad at you when your boobs are involved."_

_"Pervert!"_ she said as she sat up.

_"Only for you B. Now get up! Get naked and meet me in the shower. I'll see you in there!"_ I said as I walked away while stripping down piece by piece.

I laughed to myself when I could feel her eyes burning on my ass as I swayed into the bathroom.

I was halfway through washing my body when Britt finally climbed in.

I turned to her and could see that she had that insane look of regret on her face.

My stomach dropped and immediately I knew why.

_"Did you fuck her?"_ B nodded and then bit her lip.

I shrugged and then turned away to rinse off, I needed to calm down and take control back.

_"Say something Ana."_

I turned back around and rubbed her soap in between my hands before getting down on my knees and then I began washing her feet.

I slowly moved up her body feeling her skin raise every time I moved to a new area.

I loved when simple things turned her on.

_"Ana...please...say something."_ she was whining now but I didn't care about that.

I pulled myself to my feet and continued to wash her body.

I avoided her eyes even when I washed her ears.

She went to speak again but then I turned her and began to wash her back.

When I was done, I pushed her forward under the water and watched as all the soap rinsed from her body.

* * *

><p>Britt seemed much cleaner now but I could still smell it...faintly...the weed mixed with cheap perfume.<p>

I was perplexed until it suddenly hit me that it must be in her hair.

I squeezed shampoo into my hands and then pulled her head down and began to scrub and scratch my fingers against her scalp.

Britt's eyes rolled back in her head as I massaged her scalp and neck under the water.

Just as she was stepping from under the water I leaned in and kissed her lips again.

_"Ana?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"I quit for good."_

_"Quit what?"_

_"The tour. Every time I'm near her I can't help myself. She just has this way."_

_"You used to say that about me."_

_"You have a way with me too."_

_"I think you should have gone off with her...lived a new life where you screw all the time and had rough violent sex. That's what you like right?"_

_"What?"_

_"The long red scratches on your back the bite marks on your breasts...I'm sorry I can't be all that for you B."_

_"That's not what I want...I just want you."_

_"That's why you left today and then didn't answer my messages or phone calls because you want me?"_ I said as I gripped her waist loosely.

_"I quit the tour for you."_

_"No you quit for yourself not for me. I had nothing to do with your decision."_

_"I drove her to the airport and told her it was done."_

_"This is all some game to her, you know that, right? You just keeping going back even though she called you stupid. I'm so tired of it all, I shouldn't be fighting this hard to keep this marriage going. I have too much to worry about right now."_

_"Like what, what's more important to you than fixing our marriage?"_

_"Our son Isaac. Remember him?"_

_"The doctors sai-"_

_"I know what they say but I still worry. I will always worry about him."_

_"I worry too you know, as soon as I turned my phone back on and saw your message I rushed right over."_

_"Gee thanks, Britt Britt."  
><em>

_"Why the sarcasm?"_

_"Because you should never turn your phone off when we have a sick baby."_

_"Sorry."_

_"Just don't turn it off...okay? I don't care where you are just keep it on."_

_"Ok."_

_"Good."  
><em>

_"We are even now you know that, Ana?"_

_"What?"_

_"You fucked Ian and I fucked Frankie. We are even now."_

_"Great._

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Yea I know."_

* * *

><p><em>"Honestly, Ana...what is it you feel right now?"<em>

_"Tired, anxious, and nervous."_

_"Why are you nervous?"_

_"Because I have to tell you something."_

_"What is it?"_

_"I'm pregnant."_

_"What?"_

_"I'm pregnant."_

_"When did you find this out?"_

_"A few hours ago."_

_"Does Ian know?"_

_"Yea...it's only your opinion that I care about though. So tell me what you think honestly."_

_"I don't know anymore."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"What are we doing? Why can't we not cheat?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"I'm excited and all...I just don't want any more surprises from you and Ian. If you want to have another baby lets plan together...okay?"_

_"Okay."  
><em>

_"So we are having another baby."_

_"I am you don't have to stick around if you don't want to, it's not too late for you to go back to the tour. You don't have to be around"_

_"And why wouldn't I want to be around?"_

_"I don't know...because it wasn't planned."_

_"So what? What's done is done, right? I'm excited. I'm a little annoyed that Ian keeps knocking you up but I'm still excited that we get a second chance at having a healthy pregnancy. How about you?"_

_"I'm excited if you are."_

_"I hope it's a girl."_

_"I hope the baby is just healthy."_

_"We can just tell people it was planned you know? Like my parents and your sisters."_

_"Yea I doubt they will believe that."_

* * *

><p>There was a knock at the door. <em>"Yes?"<em> I called out.

_"Is Brittany in there?"_

_"I'm here Gladys."_

_"You have a visitor in the kitchen."_

_"Who is it?"_

_"Francis Ruiz, says she's a good friend."_

I looked over at Britt and then leapt from the shower before she could stop me. Enough was enough!

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I can't help but toy with your emotions. I think I'm a sadist. Ssshhh...our little secret okay?**

**-A**


	65. Chapter 65:Do Ya Thang

**Chapter 65: Do Ya Thang (Rihanna)**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I looked over at Britt and then leapt from the shower before she could stop me. Enough was enough!<strong>_

* * *

><p>I never got dressed so fast in all my life. I brushed my hair and pulled on my tight pj's, the ones that B loved because they showed off every curve, this was my fucking competition I had to look hot.<p>

I felt like this bitch had some fucking nerve showing up here.

Britt stood there dressed and ready to head downstairs but then I grabbed her arm and pulled her against me.

_"This ends tonight...understand?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I'm done with the games."_

_"Can I talk to her alone?"_

_"No. She had the balls to come to my mother's house and you want me to leave you alone with her? No, that's not happening."_

_"Okay...don't hit her okay?"_

_"This isn't about me fighting her...I know this is hard for you B. I know you feel stuck...you're hot I understand but there are lines...and she just crossed the biggest one. So this ends tonight. Got it?"_

_"Got it."_

* * *

><p>Britt linked her pinky with mine as we walked side by side down the steps and into the kitchen.<p>

She seemed insanely nervous but I had meant it when I said that I didn't want to fight.

I just didn't want to be blatantly disrespected.

This was our home.

I don't like her being unfaithful and I believe it will stop but in the mean time...I haven't gone looking for her so why did she think she could come here?

Frankie had tanned skin, red hair and hazel eyes like Q.

She was a knockout and I could see why B was attracted to her but where I was an 11 she was merely a 7 and you never leave your 80 for your 20.

Mami was standing against the sink just watching her.

She knew who this chick was and she wasn't even going to try to be hospitable, like me she was wondering what the hell she was doing in our house.

_"I'm leaving...you need to figure this shit out. And Brittany, no more unannounced guests...its rude. See you two in the morning."_

Mami served me cafe and then left without giving a second glance to either Frankie or Britt.

I promised B that I would let her talk before I said a word so that's what I would do.

I said that I would let her try one last time to fix it before I stepped in and I would let her try her way before I took drastic measures so that she could see once and for all who was her 80 and who was her 20.

We sat across the counter from my wife's mistress and I could feel a calm wash over me as I rested one hand on Britt's knee and the other against my still flat stomach.

_"Why are you here Frankie?"_

_"Hello to you too B! Is this the wife?"_

_"Yes this is my wife Santana."_

_"You're even hotter in person."_ she said, winking at me.

I dug my fingers into Britt's knee and saw her visibly flinch.

_"I told you that it's over. Why don't you understand that?"_

_"Because your words and actions are completely opposite. You came to me today. You kissed me first...didn't tell your wife that did you?"_ I looked over at B and then back at this bitch, was she telling me that B had initiated this shit? Enough was enough, I was taking over.

Britt was too fucking nice to deal with this kind of girl.

I could see the attraction...she was like a less hot version of me...B was stuck.

_"Britt Britt can you go call Q for me...I'm going to talk to your little friend."_

_"Ana, you promised?"_ she said as she pulled that damned lip between her teeth.

_"Please?"_ I turned to her and nodded, giving her my best smirk before kissing her lips. _"It will be fine. Okay?"_

_"Um ok."_

* * *

><p>I kept the smile on my face as I watched Britt leave the kitchen.<p>

The moment the door shut I maintained my composure...keep it cool Lopez...it's a marathon not a sprint.

I raised my mug to my lips, watching as this bitch tried to stare me down and nearly choked with laughter when she quickly looked away as I raised my eyebrow.

I finally placed the mug down, clenched my fists in my lap and looking her straight in the eye.

_"What do you want, Francis?"_

_"I want Brittany."_

_"Why? I'm sure you could go find someone else to fuck around with, you're marginally hot...why my wife?"_

_"She's a good fuck but I'm sure you know that already."_ I smirked at her and then nodded, still trying to be calm.

_"Here's how it's going to go."_ It killed me not insult her, more flies with honey...right? _"I want you to go on that tour and forget about my wife or I will make it so you never dance again." _

See I'm calm...no?

_"Is that a threat?"_

_"No puta that's a promise."_

Why can't she just accept my politeness?

_"She told me that she loves me."_

_"I doubt that."_

_"Ask her yourself. All I know is I like her maybe even love her and you just keep trapping her. My phone just went off...wonder who it is..."_ she pulled out her phone, looked at the screen and then smirked as she slid it over to me. _"See if I'm lying, these are just from Friday, Saturday and today but there are tons more!"_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Hey miss u- B-Lo<em>**

**_I love u and I'm sick about it- B-Lo_**

**_U r the only reason I want the tour n e more- B-Lo_**

**_We have 2 end this...I just wan more time- B-Lo_**

**_She saw what u texted this has 2 stop- B-Lo_**

**_Yes I still luv u. We just can't do this. Go off on tour so I can forget- B-Lo_**

**_Y r u in Lima...u have 2 go- B-Lo_**

**_Stay until this afternoon...1 more round;)- B-Lo_**

**_It really is over- B-Lo_**

**_U shouldn't have come here. My heart hurts- B-Lo_**

**_If u love me as much as I love u please let me go. Ana is my life, I love her more. Y is this so hard? I want u both...please leave? :(-B-Lo_**

I sat there scrolling through the messages and the pieces fell together, Britt's behavior on and off the medication, her expression on the bleachers when she saw that I read her text from Frankie, the way she broke down earlier.

A light went on in my head.

This had to be settled once and for all, I needed to have a low stress pregnancy and this was definitely a major point of stress.

I stood from my seat and held my hand out to Frankie.

* * *

><p>She looked anxious as she put her hand in mine. I pulled her up the steps with me and down the hallway.<p>

I slowly pushed open my bedroom door and there sitting in the middle of our bed sat B with a mess of tears on her face typing out another text message.

I knew realistically that she had sent those text messages but actually seeing her do it was completely different, it made it real.

I held Frankie's hand tightly and then shut the door loudly, causing Britt to jerk her head up.

When she looked up and saw us standing there hand in hand her face went pale and her lip became trapped between her teeth again.

_"A-Ana? Frankie?"_

_"Here we are Britt Britt, you wanted us both so here we are." _I smiled at B and pulled Frankie closer until she was hip to hip with me.

B just sat there with her mouth half open as she looked at us in shock.

_"I don't understand, Ana?"_

_"This is what you wanted right?"  
><em>

I felt the jealousy and rage coursing through my veins as I thought about the messages and the lies that she had been holding onto for so long.

There were so many of them, it was like she was addicted to them.

I needed to help her like she helped me...this was her intervention...Santana style.

So I did the only logical thing, well at least logical to me.

I pulled Frankie to me and I kissed her.

I had my hand wrapped around her as I pushed her against the door.

She tasted like sweet tarts...like Britt.

* * *

><p><em>"Stop! What are you doing?"<em> I heard B yell but I didn't stop.

I trapped Frankie against the door and yanked open her button down shirt, buttons went flying everywhere.

I knew that Britt was freaking out but she needed to choose and this was the only way.

I had to take Frankie's hold over her away.

Frankie gave as well as she got gripping my ass through my shorts and deepening the kiss.

I could feel B near me but I wasn't going to stop.

Britt was screeching now.

_"Santana, baby please? Please stop!"_

I was running my hands up Frankie's chest and grinding against her as she continued to grip my ass and pull me closer.

I pulled her bra down and sucked a nipple into my mouth and nibbled on it.

_"Ayyyyy...dios! Ayyyy"_ she moaned out as I sucked harder.

_"Stop it...please?"_

I could hear Britt crying now but that was...not good enough. I needed her to choose...now!

I ran my hand up the girls back and snapped her bra off.

I pulled away so that it could slide off of her arms.

She let the bra fall to the floor and then looked back up at me with a hunger in her eyes before gripping my ass again.

I grabbed her by the back of the neck and began nibbling at her lips, jaw, and neck.

She kept moaning and pressing her breasts against me.

I kept a firm hold on the back of her neck and then used my other hand to squeeze her breast.

_"Uhhh."_ she moaned out as she tilted up her chin and sticking out her chest to give me better access.

I knew this girl...she was more like me than I could have ever imagined.

This was a girl who was spoiled and always got her way, a girl who had never been topped.

First time for everything.

* * *

><p>I grabbed her hair in my fist and pulled her to my lips again while walking us over to the bed.<p>

I threw her down and chanced a glance over to my wife who had a hand over her mouth and was sobbing hard.

I ended up straddling Frankie and pinning her arms under my knees while I kissed and sucked on her neck.

She kept moaning and squirming.

I could still faintly hear B sobbing but that still wasn't good enough.

I know you probably think I'm nuts but fuck it.

Sometimes shit has to happen in unconventional ways.

I felt like I was fighting a war.

I reached down between us and found my way up the chick's skirt and could feel how ready she was for me.

I pushed her panties to the side and quickly shoved three of my fingers inside of her.

_"Oh God!"_ she screamed out as she tried to pull her arms from under my knees but I wasn't having any of that.

I kept pumping my fingers but I needed more.

I needed this to be over.

I turned my face and looked over at my sobbing wife.

_"Britt Britt, get over here."_

_"What?"_ I heard her respond through choked sobs.

_"Get over here now!"_

* * *

><p>I looked back down and saw that Frankie was rolling her head back and forth since she couldn't move her arms.<p>

She was sweating and moaning.

I smiled at her and kissed her lips and pulled her lip into my mouth, biting into it.

I wanted her to feel everything about this even when it was over.

I was fucking her into submission...she needed to know that I was the boss...I ran shit, girls like her only understand after they are broken in and if Marco taught me anything it was submission.

Britt stood next to me and had a hand on my face.

I looked up at her as I fucked her mistress and I smiled.

With my free hand that I had been balancing myself on the bed, I sat up while still pumping my fingers as deep as I could into Frankie, I grabbed Britt's face and pulled her into a kiss.

I wanted her to see who was running all of this.

I was her 80.

I would always be her 80 and there was no bitch that could trump me.

She could feel my point.

I could tell that she knew where we stood.

She kissed me with more passion than I had ever felt from her and I knew that I had her.

* * *

><p>I felt Frankie coming undone, walls clenching my fingers and I went harder, despite being exhausted, I still persisted.<p>

I looked into Britt's wet eyes and I smiled at her before I pushed her away gently.

I had to finish this.

I turned back to Frankie and put my all into it.

I loomed back over this fucking controlling bitch and made sure that she knew that her time with Britt had passed.

I pulled her lip into my mouth again and bit down as hard as I could and she screamed out.

_"Say that you're my bitch, Francis!"_ I whispered into her ear.

She remained silent, still trying to put up a fight so I slammed my fingers even deeper almost slipping my whole hand in as she gushed out her orgasm.

_"I'm your bitch...fuck!"_ she screamed.

_"Whose bitch?"_

_"Santana! I'm yours...only yours!"_ she screamed out.

_"You like being my bitch?"_

_"Yes! God yes!"_ her voice was getting hoarse.

_"You want to cum again?"_

_"Yes!"_

_"Say that you will leave B alone!"_

_"B who?"_ she screamed out.

"Say it!"

_"Oh god! No more B! You win! Game over! Ugh...right there shit I'm cumming again!"_

_"Don't forget whose bitch you are!"_

_"Oh ahh Ssss-Santana, I'm your fucking bitch...ugh...yes!"_ she came hard around my fingers but I still wasn't done.

I flicked her clit twice and she came again mumbling incoherently.

I looked down at her and then smiled over at Britt.

She looked on in awe.

* * *

><p>I stood up off Frankie and then wiped my hand on her skirt. It felt good to realize my power again. It had been a long time coming.<p>

I walked over to my wife and yanked her up from the glider.

She looked down at me with lust in her eyes.

I smiled and pulled her down into a kiss.

I could feel that her face was wet with tears as she peppered my face with kisses.

_"I'm so sorry...I love you always and only you Ana! Forgive me?"_ she said as she held me against her.

I nodded and pulled her down into another kiss.

_"Fix it tonight."_ I said patting her ass and then pulling away from B, pushing her towards Frankie.

Britt had a new spring in her step.

I stood in the bathroom door watching as Frankie fixed herself.

She couldn't even look into Britt's eyes.

_"Let me walk you out."_ Britt said. She was back to her bouncy, chipper self as she opened the door for Frankie.

I walked into the bathroom and washed my hands not wanting any evidence of Frankie on me any longer.

Now I knew that I had to change the sheets...maybe even burn them.

* * *

><p>As I stepped back out into the room I saw that Frankie still had her head down as she stepped out into the hallway.<p>

_"Bye Francis!"_ I called out as I stood in the doorway, watching them walk to the stairway.

_"Um ok...bye Santana. I'm sorry for all the trouble." _she whispered.

_"This is just a lesson learned right? Bye bye now. Drive safely!"_

I stood at the top of the steps and watched as Britt opened the door for Frankie.

There was no hug goodbye, no kiss, not even a see you later.

I had definitely taken a big risk tonight but the look in Britt's eyes had changed when she watched a girl who had such power over her sexually be knocked down a few pegs by her wife.

That night after changing the sheets, Britt held me close to her and kept whispering apologies and sweet sentiments.

I was tired but content.

I had won.

I felt it in my soul.

* * *

><p>Monday morning before the alarm went off for school, I was awakened by sweet lady kisses and the smell of chocolate.<p>

Normally this would be hot and sexy but when the smell hit the back of my throat I jumped out of the bed and barely made it to the toilet before turning into Linda Blair.

Hello morning sickness!

I needed some lollipops and quick.

Britt had made me pancakes with chocolate fudge syrup on top a guilty pleasure of mine but apparently my baby didn't agree.

The very smell of it made me want to curl up and die.

I tried to leave the bathroom but the smell was so strong that I ended up right back on my knees in the bathroom a second time.

What I had missed during my sprint was the fudge that spelled out..._**Prom?**_

Britt came to the bathroom after taking the pancakes away and spraying air freshener.

She knelt down beside me and rubbed my back softly.

_"Baby doesn't like chocolate, huh?"_

_"I guess not."_ I said as I knelt there waiting for anything else to come up.

_"Sorry. This is going to suck if you can't have chocolate. I should have thought first...I'm sorry baby!"_

_"It's not your fault. It was sweet of you to make me breakfast."_

_"So will you go to prom with me?"_

_"Is that what this was about?" _I said as I finally put the lid down and sat on top of the toilet.

Britt looked up at me and nodded.

_"Of course I will go to prom with you babe. There is no dancer better than you!"_

_"Awesome."_

_"Yea...awesome. I feel gross...ugh!" _I said as I stood up to brush my teeth._  
><em>

_"When you feel better I will serve you plain pancakes...okay?"_

_"How about just some toast?"_

_"Um okay. You got it!"_

* * *

><p>The night of Prom was magical for me and Britt.<p>

We had gone so long with all the drama that we hadn't really been able to just enjoy each others company.

We spent the whole week between the Frankie incident and Prom night at the hospital with Isaac.

He was getting better but the doctors wanted to keep him an extra week just to make sure that he was strong enough.

It was great to see him actually smiling and breathing without the twitch or the wheezing.

We were able to go off that night feeling like our son was cared for and not be guilty about enjoying ourselves.

Britt had put herself on restriction and had blocked Frankie's number from her phone.

I could see that she was making a serious effort to be the wife that she had set out to be.

_"Dance with me?" _Britt asked as I returned from the bathroom after standing too close to the chocolate fountain.

"_Yea...just away from that evil fountain."_

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Yes...I just want chocolate...why is the baby torturing me?"_ I said with tears in my eyes.

_"The baby is not picking on you. Come on...our song is about to come on."_

Rachel stepped onto the stage as the last song ended and clapped lightly before taking to the mic.

_"Hello...senior classmates. This song goes out to Santana Lopez from her adoring wife Brittany."_

I thought it would be Songbird but Quinn stepped up to the microphone and began to sing my favorite Amy Winehouse song...the song that I wanted to sing to Brittany at Regionals.

**_Our Day Will Come. _**

As Quinn sang the song to us I smiled into Britt's shoulder and I placed a hand on her bare back pulling her closer.

_"I can't believe you remembered this song."_

_"I know everything about you Ana. I may act a little out of it most of the time but I do pay attention. Besides...don't you feel like our day has finally come? We are going to start living our city dream in a week from today."_

_"I can't believe it."_

_"Well start believing."_

_"I love you B."_

_"Always and only you Ana. What's done is done. Let's live forward and not backwards anymore. Okay?"_

_"Okay!"_

* * *

><p>It was the last week of the school year, prom had been the Friday before and it was layered in sappy sweetness.<p>

I had gone home and made love to my wife all weekend long.

I kissed her ten times more than usual and made sure to show her how much I appreciated her and we got a little frisky too.

That Sunday, Britt had heard from the head choreographer of the tour that Frankie had transferred to the David Guetta tour and was in California.

It was great news and I actually didn't mind now if Britt decided at the last minute to go.

I mean it would still suck but I wouldn't be so worried about Frankie.

I was happy that my life in turn was becoming amazing.

* * *

><p>Graduation was on a Wednesday night and I was set to deliver my valedictorian speech.<p>

I looked out into a sea of red gowns and saw that this chapter was closing.

My heart felt big and complete as I looked out into the crowd and saw Mamí holding Isaac.

Then I looked down at the graduate section at my empty seat and then at my wife...I was the happiest person in the world in that moment.

* * *

><p><em>"Faculty, staff, family and friends I would like to thank you on behalf of the class of 2012 for your love and support. For many of us this has been a defining year. For others it's been a year we would like to forget. For me it has been a little bit of both. In this year I have been married twice, I gave birth to a beautiful son, I have battled drug addiction, domestic abuse, I have survived the death of my father and being outed in front of the whole senior class...I even spent a night in jail. I'm sure many of you are surprised to even see me standing here, I know that because I am even surprised that I am standing here. I survived this year the best that I could and I still managed to stand in front of you with a 4.3 average. I am a little bruised and broken but I'm still standing. So what I can tell you my fellow graduates is that through it all my education and my support network has grounded me and kept me alive. For that I am eternally grateful. We are about to be scattered to the four winds...there will be hard times and bad times that seem never-ending but you will get through it using your mind and your heart. Keep your friends and family close...don't let petty arguments stand in your way. Be who you are and be proud of who you are not. And if you need a swift kick in the butt know that there is always someone out there willing to slushy you and to listen. We have all been tried and tested by our friends, our parents, our teachers, and our coaches. We all stand here bruised, a little worn but still standing. We are fierce. We are strong. We are McKinley Titans now and forever. So in ten years when we come back through these halls...I expect to be in a room full of successful and accomplished individuals. Let's be elite as housewives, doctors, soldiers, lawyers...adults. I wish each and every one of you a slushy full of happiness and love. May all your dreams, realized and unrealized come to fruition. Thanks for the support and love I have gotten from many of you even when I didn't deserve it. You saved my life. I stand behind you as you go forward as your friend. Go out and conquer the world Titans...go big and make McKinley proud!<em>

* * *

><p>The standing ovation that I received after my speech was unexpected and uplifting...it had taken me hours to get the words that I wanted to use but Britt, Q and Rachel had stood with me and by me through each draft.<p>

I finally settled on short and honest.

Now that I had finished I felt like every word was perfect.

I allowed the tears to flow knowing that I had earned the right to the joy that I felt.

The moment I got back to my seat Britt wrapped her pinky around mine.

* * *

><p><em>"Azimio Isaac Adams."<em> there wasn't much applause but I stood up and cheered.

I wished I had pompoms.

Z was my first supporter and I was forever grateful for that boost of confidence.

That faith in me that he had was why I named my son for him.

_"Rachel Barbra Berry."_ I stood up and cheered again as my true blue friend sauntered up to the podium.

I was grateful for the hobbit for holding my relationship together even when both Britt and I were ready to throw in the towel.

I loved her like a sister.

_"Lucille Quinn Fabray."_ when Q walked up on stage and did a twirl she was met by whistles and catcalls from all over the room and admiration from me.

I don't know where I would be without her.

_"Brittany Susan Lopez."_ B turned to me and kissed me before hugging Figgins and taking her diploma.

He looked flustered but smiled when he saw me standing behind her ready for him to say my name.

_"Santana Gladys Lopez."_ I tried to hold the blush that crossed my cheeks when I got another standing ovation from my class.

I did a little bow and then hugged Sue who stood next to Figgins.

She hugged me tight and then pushed me towards my wife.

I flew into Britt's arms kissing her soundly and then we walked off the stage together pinkies linked.

_"Ian Christopher Perkins."_ Ian looked down and winked at me before grabbing his diploma and then he moved to the end of the stage waiting just like Britt had done.

_"Noah Aaron Puckerman."_ NoNo had tears in his eyes as he strolled up to Figgins and after holding onto his diploma that he had waited five years for, just like B he hugged the principal like they were best buddies.

After NoNo released the little man. I could then see why Ian had waited...him and Puck chest bumped and high-fived and then they walked from the stage elbows linked in a homage to me and Britt.

* * *

><p>That Friday night, newly graduated we gathered in the back of the house once again to celebrate my 19th birthday.<p>

I wore a simple summer dress as I carried my son onto the patio.

I hadn't wanted to really do anything other than sit out there and just be with him.

I was taking my pregnancy seriously and after nearly drowning the last time that I was near a pool I decided that I definitely didn't want to get in.

_"Hand me my godson, please?"_ Q sat perched at a table on the patio watching our friends wrestle each other into the pool.

I could see Britt dancing in the deep end with Mike.

I loved watching her just be a kid.

It was amazing to see the lack of stress on her face.

She was genuinely happy again.

I handed a newly recovered Isaac to Quinn and she smiled big and wide as she looked into his chubby little face.

She began that baby talk and the faces and he smiled at her.

* * *

><p><em>"So how does it feel Q? Finally being out to your mom?"<em>

_"It was a long time coming but she wasn't surprised I mean Rachel and I haven't really been sneaky or anything. And you? How does it feel to have gotten rid of Frankie? It took balls doing what you did."_

_"I see it more like fixing a wrong in my marriage. B and I are good now, I don't feel like there is a gauntlet hanging over my head now. And now we are all set to drive to New York tomorrow and start our lives. Have you decided if you want to come along, yet?"_

_"Rachel is moving on to campus in August so I was going to hang out here with her a little longer."_

_"I can fly her out to visit? Puhleeeeeeeeeze?"_ I begged and pouted.

_"Are we going to drive straight or will we make stops? I don't think Isaac can handle a straight drive."_

_"We will definitely make stops and stay at hotels...my treat! We may even site see and should be in New York by Monday morning."_

_"Okay. Fine. I will come along. Is it just us three and Isaac?"_

_"Oh yea...Rachel already agreed to come."_

_"You tricked me!"_

_"It's just fun to mess with you Q."_

* * *

><p>I have spent years setting myself up to fail but somewhere along the way all of that changed.<p>

Somewhere along the way I realized that the self sabotage was just a projection of other people's failures.

I decided that I had to live for me. I had to grasp my future by the balls and not let go.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Our dreams have magick because we'll always stay in love this way...our day will come.<em>**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: That's all she wrote folks. Glee is back on Tuesday! I made it! ****It has been great sharing some of my story with you guys. It was cathartic and awesome. **

**-A  
><strong>


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